Next Level University

#1401 - Are You Stuck In An Old Identity?

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

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What do you fear more - success or failure? There’s a certain discomfort that comes with transformation. It's always a little uncomfortable when you shed your old skin to reveal a new one. In this episode, hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros discuss how they had to let go of their past selves to become who they wanted to be. They talk about experiences that initially felt alien but were steps toward their growth. They also delve into the impact their identities have on coaching, the value of a supportive community, the dynamics of old friendships, and how to navigate the sometimes tricky path of identity transformation.

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Show notes:
[4:44] You need to let go of the old version of you
[10:26] Skip the small talk
[15:35] Being afraid of failure and being afraid of success
[13:24] John talks about his phenomenal experience working with Kevin and the Next Level Podcast Solutions team
[14:44] Lower the probability of your deepest fear
[21:08] You need to be vulnerable and courageous
[28:55] Outro

Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

Speaker 1:

record on the other. I'm going to hit record on the video and pull purpose all the uh, I'm not on mix up edge. Do you want me to?

Speaker 2:

doesn't matter should not matter, because I'm not going to use the other issues well, in the beginning we did when we were sinking but it doesn't you think that we need to wait? No, I I don't think so.

Speaker 1:

It would make any sense really hello, hello, hello, yeah, yeah, cuz I'm recording native, you sure we can give it a minute if you want.

Speaker 2:

There's no way to tell. We have no idea what's going on behind the curtains, really, so to speak, for assessment. See this. Yeah, doesn't work. Was no hands on the move the right for you.

Speaker 1:

I like this watch, though, so very black nice one match the tattoos.

Speaker 2:

When I was working at the retrofit rainbow and I sure that's a very good we went to the mall and I was like I'm gonna get to watch this. It was like for a drawl or something about. To watch is for something was there a lot of? But I was falling at the time are you ready?

Speaker 1:

you thought, I believe so intention uh, that's what we're supposed to do check this out correct. Mike fan off. Steady camera we think so. Audio test already did it. Internet test we didn't. Doesn't matter because we're native. I see a is up meaning it's not.

Speaker 2:

Will remember intention those of those of powerful story for me bring a big idea that I think will change someone's life is that okay, plug is next nation for me and free calls for you.

Speaker 1:

I'll I think you should say that.

Speaker 2:

Several listeners yet okay, and then I got a member of motion, novel and memorable soon happens a twenty on the clock, up twenty on the watch useless it'll I just want to put on the record that this is dumb and it's not going to work but bel cls is One second.

Speaker 2:

All right, next level nation, welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we teach you how to level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. We hope you enjoyed our latest episode, episode number 1400. Another milestone complete. It was one of the most powerful questions you can ask yourself. We talked a lot about why deductive reasoning Today for episode number 1400 and one are you stuck in an old identity?

Speaker 2:

So Alan had a different story than he's going to tell, but it is very timely because, as you can see if you're watching us on YouTube, I am back down in my old stomping grounds with Alan. If you are listening to us, you might not be able to tell a difference, or hopefully it'll sound better than it has in the past. We ordered a new laptop so we should be able to fix the audio issues as of these recordings, and recordings are going forward, so we should be good looking forward to the Zen book. The Zen book, yes. Another laptop, just what you need. One more laptop, of course. So, for those who might not know, alan lives in our original hometown. So today I was on track to get here at 10.05 AM and I said you know what? I'm going to go drive around town and feel all the nostalgia and I was very, I was very happy, but I was also very sad and I don't know. I was feeling all sorts of different feelings. I drove up to the puddle.

Speaker 2:

The puddle is a town park that we have that has a little pond and there's a playground and there's a swing set and then there's a path that goes up into the woods and there's another small pond up there and there's like a fire pit and we used to party quite hard up there back in the day. But I remember thinking when I drove up there today I remember all I wanted was people to care about me when I was younger and we would go party up there and we would get drunk and I would always leave. That was like a thing for me is I would get sad and I would leave and I always wanted somebody to follow me. That was just like always my thing. And I had all those feelings today and it was just I don't know. It just took me back to young Kev, who does not really know how he got here, young Kev who didn't have a lot going for him. I drove by the gas station that I used to work at, which was interesting. I drove down my own street, my old street, and it just it's very easy for me to put myself back into the identity of old Kev because, yeah, I've adopted the new identity, but it's very weird for me. This whole thing is very weird for me, probably more so than I let on, because sometimes you have to take time to sit with it in order to disconnect from what is actually happening.

Speaker 2:

So the goal in this episode is to kind of talk about that. What is an old identity that you might get stuck in? It doesn't mean you're always stuck in it. Maybe you revert around certain people, maybe you revert in certain situations. I didn't revert, but I definitely had the feelings and the vibes of understanding what it would be like to revert back here. I'm probably more giggly than usual when I come here. I don't know if that has something to do with it, but that's the goal in today's episode. So I'll give you a quick early next level nugget. I would really get familiar with the places, the people places, things, ideas and feelings that create reversion, where you jump back into an old identity. That might not be a bad one I'm not saying it's a bad identity but it could be an identity that doesn't serve you and will not serve you where you are today.

Speaker 1:

So Kevin asked me what my intention was for this episode, and it was to bring a big idea that would potentially change our listeners life. And I think the big idea that I want to bring is that you cannot fully transform into who you aspire to be until you first let go of who you used to be on any level. So, for example, whatever your next level, is that next goal? Maybe it's a fitness goal? Okay, so you're going to have to let go of the version of you that is afraid to be maybe in better shape than other people. Maybe you have to let go of the version of you that was a nerd in high school or was not athletic in high school. Maybe you have to let go of that version of you that came from a family that was quote unquote big boned.

Speaker 1:

A lot of times in my coaching, I'm teaching people how to do things, but and I used to say this to Kevin all the time when we used to coach on how to coach and he's like what are you doing? What are you doing differently? What, like, how is this working? And I said, anyone can teach anyone how to do something. Very few people can get them to actually do it. And so, for example, I can give you the best, the best, the best fitness program, but if you still have an old identity of not into fitness or not an athlete or not good enough or not disciplined or not whatever, you have a subconscious aversion to being in public or maybe a subconscious aversion to being in better shape, or if you can't let go of that past identity, you're basically not going to do the program and then not know why and then not believe in yourself. And I think that we're all unconsciously uncomfortable with new identities, even successful things.

Speaker 1:

You know, I remember there was an episode a while back with Kevin and I where I bought a bunch of new like nice collared shirts, because I'm a business consultant and a CEO, coach and peak performance coach and it's important for me to be seen in a light that is more successful and well dressed and well kept. And I remember he asked me on the episode like why is that so different for you? Why is that uncomfortable for you? And I said because growing up I used to, you know, shop at Salvation Army, which is like a thrift store where people would donate clothes, and for the longest time after my stepdad left I didn't have enough money for new clothes, and so it was just so weird to be successful enough to where not only can I buy nice clothes, but like really nice clothes, and, you know, having a housekeeper that's another thing that was uncomfortable at first. It's a good uncomfortable, but it's still uncomfortable.

Speaker 1:

And the reason it's uncomfortable is because it's not congruent with my identity.

Speaker 1:

Yet I identified as a successful speaker long before I became a successful speaker, so that when so when Kevin and I got successful like a successful opportunity of $5,000 to speak recently, it wasn't like uncomfortable for me, whereas getting a housekeeper, I didn't unconsciously identify as someone who was going to get a housekeeper.

Speaker 1:

So for me it was like there was a little bit of an identity shift that happened when that happened because I hadn't determined in advance oh, I'm going to have a housekeeper, and I think that there's something to that, and so if you are not seeing yourself in advance as a certain way, and then you do achieve a certain level of success or even failure, if it's incongruent with your existing identity, it's going to be uncomfortable at the ego level, and by ego what I mean is who you think you are. And so, kevin, coming down here to North Uxbridge. I grew up in South Uxbridge and, like the southern part of the town, he grew up in the northern part of the town, so this is the area that you grew up in, kind of right, yeah, where I lived was probably I don't know five minutes from here.

Speaker 1:

So this is like I don't know 15 minutes from where I lived, but that's got to be what it is is you're this new version, drastically different version, but also still the same, kevin, deep, deep in there?

Speaker 1:

And I think that that's the weird duality of like you're still Kevin Palmieri, and your a lot hasn't changed. There's some parts of you that really are still the same, and then there's other parts of you that are completely different than what you thought, what you said, what you did, what you believed, what you believed about yourself, what you understood about the world were so different, and so I love personally to go back into old environments as the new version of me, to reassess everything, and I don't know if that's a me thing or for everybody, but for my next level nugget would be whatever goal you want to achieve, whatever success you want to achieve the intimate relationship of your dreams, or the business of your dreams, or the career of your dreams, or the body of your dreams it's going to require a new identity, and you're either going to adopt that identity in advance by shedding an old one, or you're going to work hard to get a result that that that is going to shift your identity after you get it.

Speaker 2:

Some of the most valuable things I've ever done are the things that most people will never actually see. We talk about them on the podcast, which is why we reference our lives so much in our stories and our experiences. Remember how, one day, taryn said hey, I want you to come do this. Skip the small talk thing with me.

Speaker 2:

Oh yeah we haven't mentioned that in a while. On the podcast there is this thing called skip the small talk, and my wife wanted me to go. She said I think it'd be really fun for us and I think it's good for you to get out of your comfort zone. This was early in our relationship and we drove to a town outside of Boston I don't remember where it was and you go into this room it's kind of like a bar and you can get beer and I think they had food too and the goal of it was to have deep conversations with people.

Speaker 2:

And I remember thinking, going into that, this is going to be terrible. I am, this is going to be terrible. What if I don't know what to say? What if I say something stupid? I'm going to be so embarrassed. And I was super comfortable there 10 out of 10 comfortable and I never expected that. But then makes sense, right? I'm a podcaster and I've done a bunch of coaching calls and I've been on a bunch of shows and I kind of have conversations with strangers for a living.

Speaker 1:

So prior to that, you were thinking from an old identity of I'm going to be shy, I'm going to be socially anxious, I'm going to not know what to say, I'm going to be the least confident in the room. And then you got into that environment and realized, oh, all of my hard work has been paying off and I'm actually more confident than these other people because I do this for a living.

Speaker 2:

It was so much easier than I expected. But here's the. Here's something that happened after. I after that assumed every time I was in a group of people it was going to be very easy for me to strike up deep conversations with them, and that's not why people are in the room always. So everybody who went to that went there with the sole intention of having deep conversations. Not everybody has that same intention. So I almost had to I don't want to say I had to.

Speaker 2:

I dealt with getting stuck in an old identity when I would go spend time around people because it didn't seem like these people were ready for the new identity yet and I didn't want to talk too much. I didn't want to ask questions that were too deep or offend anybody or seem arrogant or full of myself or whatever it is. So that's the powerful thing about this is when you, when you expose yourself to new things because I think exposure is necessary for a new identity you have to expose yourself to things. When you expose yourself to new things, you get new identity pieces and new identity points and new identity perspectives. Then, when you get exposed to things that are older and more common, or things you're familiar with, you assume things are going to go a certain way, but they don't always go that way.

Speaker 2:

That's what I've experienced. I've experienced that a lot, where sometimes I'll be in a group of people and it's like, oh yeah, this should be easy, I should be able to have a conversation with anybody. But not everybody is up for a conversation and I just assume they are, because in a lot of my other practices and in other podcasts, coaching calls, whatever it is people are always want to talk about deep stuff and that's become so normal to me. That's just part of my identity. Now I talk about my life and I talk about whatever is going to add value to the audience, but then when you go into a different place, it's not necessarily like that. What do you think?

Speaker 1:

is the identity our listeners are holding onto.

Speaker 2:

That's a great question. It's obviously different for everybody, but probably whatever one kept you the safest, whatever one that you stayed in when you were going through something that made you feel like you were going to be safe or you were going to be loved or there was certainty, made you feel significant. Probably the tool that kept you safe is also the tool that's going to keep you small quote unquote in this example. Thank you, I appreciate it, yeah that's what I would say, but it's personal right.

Speaker 1:

It's different for everybody, Whatever identity is the one that you have created to lower the probability of your deepest fear. So I've been thinking a lot about this. Kevin's afraid of failure, I'm afraid of success, Like why it's all predicated on our deepest fear.

Speaker 1:

So Kevin's deepest fear being the gas station, kid only child, no dad not going to college, that kind of thing it's like of course, failure is going to be your fear not being significant, not being valued, like to you, running away and that kind of thing I'm trying to talk into the camera here but I'm trying to look at Kevin as well.

Speaker 1:

So for those of you not on YouTube, it's a different setup. But it makes sense why you're afraid of failure, based on that upbringing and that experience. It makes sense why I'm afraid of success because the parts of you that you hid, kev, were the inadequacies. They're not smart enough, not tall enough, not good enough, not enoughness For me. The parts of me that I hid were the parts that were maybe not socially accepted, so smarter than harder working than better than and I think that we all are hiding a part of ourselves.

Speaker 1:

I said that to Amelia yesterday. I think everyone is hiding a part of themselves, everyone. You're either hiding a part of you that is truly magnificent, because it isn't, maybe it makes other people uncomfortable or you're hiding a part of you that is like deeply inadequate, and I think all of us have both at times, different times, but I think all of us have one bigger one. You are either, in my opinion, hiding a deep inadequacy or a deep fear of inadequacy, or you are hiding a deep, deep greatness that you know is there, that maybe hasn't been socially acceptable. At Next Level Hope Foundation we hang out with, like all these kids and I think ages. I think there was like a three year old there?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, probably like three to 12, three to 12.

Speaker 1:

And I like to observe all the all the kids, because I'm learning and some of the kids have really positive identities of I'm awesome, and some of the kids have really negative identities of like, I'm inadequate, I'm not good enough, I'm not as athletic, blah, blah, blah. And I can tell, I can see their self concept above their heads for lack of a better phrasing. And when I was a young boy I had the I'm a winner, I'm I'm great at stuff, I'm good at stuff, I'm smart, like that kind of thing. And I think have had probably the opposite. I definitely have the opposite and I think that it makes sense that our fears are predicated on. So Kevin isn't afraid to be disliked, he isn't afraid to. He doesn't go into a room afraid that people won't like him or people are going to judge him.

Speaker 2:

I would say, probably as much as yeah, as most people I still I do, but just less probably.

Speaker 1:

But we're both going to a speech soon and I'm not at all afraid of not giving a great speech. I'm afraid of not being liked or or valued.

Speaker 2:

See, it's interesting, because I'm afraid of that going into this room, because this is more your room than it is mine. You went to this.

Speaker 1:

I think you think that but it's no, yeah, no, it's time. Time will tell. Yeah, time will tell. For context, you know, shout out to Nicholas if you're, if you're listening. But it's essentially Alpha Chi row, which was a fraternity that I was a part of, and it's a whole national organization. They do a lot of really good stuff and we got invited to speak two years ago.

Speaker 1:

I think, and we just got invited back to their convention, but Kevin's presupposing, based on his old identity, that he's not going to be able to hang in this room, which again you're overcoming because you kind of know intellectually that you can.

Speaker 2:

Well, I assume that the, the brothers, they are going to like you because you were part of the chapter. So I think it's one of those things where I'm not going to fit in Again. Very interesting part of my journey the only times I've ever been to college or the times I've been paid to go to college. It's very it's been a very weird thing for me. You know, every time I go to college I get money. It's just weird.

Speaker 1:

That's a perfect example of this. Kevin is in the identity still of I didn't go to college. Every single person in this room went to college. Yes, yeah, and so it's just interesting, but back to now, I'm the one saying interesting a bunch.

Speaker 2:

I haven't said it once.

Speaker 1:

I've been thinking strong work, strong work. So I digress. Kevin is not fearful of being disliked as much as I am. I'm not fearful of failing as much as he is, and we're both fearful of both, but not really to the same extent. And for those of you listening, I hope that you have identified which you're more afraid of. And then to go back to identity here, if you are more afraid of failure, you most likely are deeply afraid of being inadequate and you most likely have, have developed some sort of a persona that is not fully authentic, where you're basically hiding your inadequacies and fearful of people finding out that you're not maybe enough or whatever.

Speaker 1:

Okay, and that's not to say you're actually not enough. None of this is rooted in truth. This is all our own upbringing and self concept, or the other side of that coin. On my side of the coin, you're most likely afraid of success because you're afraid of social pain and not fitting in and you're hiding a part of you that really is like wildly extraordinary, that would make other people around you maybe less likely to like you or less relatable, or whatever it might be. And either way, if you feel deeply inadequate deep down on Kevin's side fear of failure you're going to have to be vulnerable and face that uncomfortable truth, like he did, with not being smart enough or not knowing enough about business, or put yourself out there, go into a room of other really smart people. Quote unquote. So you're going to have to be vulnerable and you're going to have to be courageous to get over the fear of failure and fear of inadequacy. Same is true when it comes to the other end.

Speaker 1:

If you're afraid of success and hiding a part of you, you're going to have to reveal that part too. You're going to have to, and I'm going to have to, and I have been trying really hard, to my level of vulnerability. It's very, very scary when we do group coaching because you introduce yourself and you share. You share who you are with these people on a deep level. Everyone's been sharing so much in group 11 of who they are and it's it's very vulnerable because we're all either afraid to be inadequate or afraid to be disliked. I'm I'm convinced that those are the two deep fears in the human consciousness, and your identity is most likely shaped around avoiding one of those two last thing before we go.

Speaker 2:

I went on a podcast the other day and this, this individual was just a really a Really open, really vulnerable human 60. He kept saying I'm 63, I'm single, I'm trying to find love, I'm an alcoholic or recovering alcoholic, I'm the outcast of my family, I'm blah, blah, blah and blank, blank, blank. And during the interview I Said do you ever think the way you talk about yourself is holding you back? Because he, he said I want to learn from you. I don't want this to be an interview, I want it to be a conversation and I'm open to hearing your thoughts. Okay, cool, I'm in. And I said I said that. I said Do you ever think the way you introduce yourself is keeping you stuck in what you think you used to be, not who you want to be? And he said it's interesting. I've gotten that a lot in my life. And I said it's very clear that you think you almost have to introduce yourself as a failure because you're afraid you're gonna fail people and that is holding you back, for sure, for sure. He asked me, he was asking me dating advice, which was. It was very, very Interesting. I'm gonna use it one time here, because I'm a 30, I'm 33, this person's 63.

Speaker 2:

He's talking about being on bumble and tinder and he said you, you know how all that works. I was yeah, of course, and he said well, I think I might have, I might have revealed too much information too soon. And I said I I know why. Because you're afraid they're gonna find out later and they're gonna run away. So you're just telling him right now. So you're literally staying in that old identity, because if you lean into the new identity to find out what your old identity used to be, you're afraid they're gonna leave.

Speaker 2:

I used to do the same thing when it comes to, hey, how tall are you? I used to say that all the time to girls when I was talking to girls Do, are you, is it important to you that the man you date is taller than you? I used to do that stuff all the time because I was so afraid of leaning into the new, confident Identity of it doesn't really matter that much that I used to revert to the old one. And the other part of it too, was I wasn't. I wasn't certain enough in the new identity that if something happened, I'd be able to handle it.

Speaker 2:

I thought it would break the new identity and Catapult me back into the old one. So I thought it would. It would be valuable to share that story because that person that's what's happening. He's introducing himself from an old place. He's never gonna get beyond Today. He's all if he's always saying you know, I used to be this, I used to be this, I used to be this, right. So it's very challenging for you to overcome that when that's the way you introduce yourself to other people.

Speaker 1:

What are the pros and cons of your old identity? What are the pros and cons of the identity you held in high school? What are the pros and cons of the identity you held in college or when you didn't go to college? What are the pros and cons? And then realize, like I can now choose, with some effort and some work, what I want my new identity to be and the very last thing I'll share is, if you want to get to the next level in your life, you're gonna have to adopt the new identity.

Speaker 1:

It's like a, you know. It's like you're using old software. It's like windows using Windows 2000 instead of you know, your new Mac, old socks. I thought you're gonna say no, no, software, software. There are benefits to your old identity. That's why you still have it. So for you, kev, the benefits to your old identity is I don't have to try and fail, because if I don't believe in myself, then there's nothing. There's nothing that I have to Go prove and it's. It's no matter what whether you're Amazing, amazing, amazing, more than people think, or or worse than people think, quote-unquote. Whatever it's uncomfortable when you are outside of what you're used to. It's uncomfortable outside of what you're used to, of course.

Speaker 2:

Of course. Yeah, who knew Alan Lazarus was so popular? We mentioned something last week I don't remember which episode it was but we mentioned how Alan was doing free, 30 minute next level breakthrough sessions. It's not a coaching call, it's not a sales call, it's just you hop on the mic I don't know if Alan will have this mic, but you hop on Zoom with Alan and you can just get to know him and I'm sure some people will come with. Hey, this is what I'm going through. What's your advice? Or? I'm sure a lot of people have different questions.

Speaker 2:

Three people booked while I was here. So while I was here with Alan, we got a bunch of emails coming through and three of them were hey, I wanna do this, this is the time we're gonna do it, the Zoom links all set up and all that. So if you are interested, make sure you click the link in the show notes. It might be a little intimidating, you might be a little afraid. I promise Alan is a baby behind the scenes and if he sasses you at all I will put him down. So you are safe. And again, we wanna get to know the audience better, the community better, because that is what this entire thing is built on. The better we know you, the more value we can add on these microphones every single day, and that is our ultimate goal.

Speaker 1:

The three things I focus on in coaching are goals, process. So goals is what you wanna achieve, process is how you want to achieve it. And then the most important is identity who you used to be, who you wanna be, who you are now, and how to bridge the gap. So identity is a big, big, big piece of it and at very least you will leave that call knowing yourself in a different way. Also, also, also, also.

Speaker 2:

I thought that was gonna be the end. I was ready to moonwalk out of here.

Speaker 1:

Also. Yeah, yeah, no, I just it was a long pause cause I thought that was the end and it wasn't.

Speaker 2:

I thought so Okay, also, before you go. You say also one more time I'm gonna take off.

Speaker 1:

Also yeah, I think I said it like six times Next level nation. If you want a supportive community of other people who are getting outside of their old identities, that is the place. The only rule in next level nation is that you cannot be disrespectful and you cannot be a bully. That's it. It's a psychologically safe place to belong, to feel seen, to feel understood and to feel valued, and we have booted people who were disrespectful to myself, to Kevin, to other people, and we will continue to do so, because I was bullied a lot growing up. We don't want any of that and I think a lot of people, quite frankly, are just not given the safe space to explore themselves in an authentic way, and I think that this is good training wheels for everybody to start sharing more of who they are and letting their light shine. So next level nation is the place. It's free, Private Facebook group. The link will be in the show notes.

Speaker 2:

Tomorrow for episode number 1,402, three reasons. Many early friendships don't last. I was actually thinking about this before bed last night. And why are you pointing your biceps? I don't know, you're a strange bird. That's what we're gonna talk about tomorrow. I'm sure we'll touch on Alan's biceps as well and make sure you join us. As always we love you, we appreciate you, we are grateful for each and every one of you, and at NLU we do not have fans, we have family. We'll talk to you all tomorrow.

Speaker 1:

Transform those identities Next level nation.

Speaker 2:

Oh God.

People on this episode

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Alan Lazaros

Host
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Kevin Palmieri

Host