Next Level University

#1421 - What Do You Really Care About the Most?

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

In this episode, hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros talk about core values and being in alignment with them. They discuss how optimizing for one thing determines our life choices. Nurturing our core values shapes our life decisions and aligns our intentions with our actions. They also tackle the challenging terrain of setting boundaries, understanding the intentions behind our actions, and moving beyond self-doubt. They also discuss helping others grow and the challenge of doing it without hurting them with the truth.

Links mentioned:
Email Kevin to join our email list: Kevin@nextleveluniverse.com
Download the app: Optimal - https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/optimal/  

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Website 💻  http://www.nextleveluniverse.com   

The best way to track your habits is here! Download the app: Optimal - https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/optimal/   

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Any of these communities or resources are FREE to join and consume

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Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/neverquitkid/
Alan: https://www.instagram.com/alazaros88/

Email 💬
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Alan@nextleveluniverse.com

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Show notes:
[2:15] A gap between what needs to be done vs. your actions
[7:39] You only get one shot
[11:39] The deepest thing that is driving your behavior
[15:01] Helen praises Alan for providing safe and empowering coaching services with Next Level Business Solutions
[16:23] Indicators of our deepest core values
[24:10] Setting boundaries
[31:19] Outro

Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

Speaker 1:

Next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we teach you how to level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. We hope you enjoyed our latest episode, episode number 1420. Another reason self-awareness slash, awareness in general is everything. Everything is in all caps, so you know it's a big deal Today. For episode number 1421, happy Monday. What do you really care about the most? So when Alan and I meet on Mondays, we chat about what we're going through, what we've learned lessons, stories, examples, all that stuff and then we choose our topics and episodes for the week. And Alan said, hey, I'd really love to do an episode on this. And I said, all right, I'm going to let you lead it, I'm going to do the intro and I'm going to kick it to you and then we'll see where we end up. So, Alan, go on.

Speaker 2:

So I've always tried to articulate when clients come to me, they have these goals they want to achieve and I've said this to you before, kev anyone can teach you how to achieve a goal. Very few people can actually get you to do it. Now, not anyone can teach you how to achieve a goal. Obviously, you need to go to a YouTube expert who has achieved on YouTube in order to learn YouTube, but what I mean by that quote is that a lot of people don't have what they want to achieve because there's a gap between what needs to get done and what they want to do versus their actions. Let me explain. Let's say you have a goal to lose weight, but yet you're not necessarily exercising as much as you need to, or you're eating more than you should in order to lose that weight. Just logical here, not emotional for a second. Anytime there's a gap between someone's words and their actions, it means that there's something running beneath the surface that we're not aware of. It's like a record playing in the background. I digress. What I want to do on this episode is I want to help everyone understand how to bridge the gap when your words aren't meeting your actions, and here's what it is. Anytime your words are not meeting your actions, you can ask yourself a simple question why? And you can always. If you dig deep enough, you can always figure out what belief system is underneath that. What are you optimizing for without realizing it?

Speaker 2:

I remember I was in my early 20s early 20s and I was in college and I met this woman that I was with for five years. Her name was Courtney Courtney and I met during a time when we were having a lot of fun. We were very focused on fun. Yes, we were achieving in college. Yes, we were getting our degrees. I was getting my master's program. She was going to UMass School of Pharmacy. She wanted to become a nurse, but we were very focused on fun. We lived together on a lake and she had a bunch of friends and I had a bunch of friends and our friends would hang out and we would have parties. It would be a blast.

Speaker 2:

When I hit 26, I got in that car accident that I've talked about and if you're a new listener, essentially what it did is it completely shook me up. My father passed away when he was 28. I was 26 at the time of this car accident and I considered that my second chance that my dad never got. So it really rattled me. I had tons of regret. I had to reevaluate my whole life After that car accident. That's when I fell in love with personal growth. That's when I fell in love with personal development. That's when it wasn't just about achievement and fun and friends. It became about growth and contribution for me.

Speaker 2:

After that, courtney and I started to drift apart, and the reason why is because what we were optimizing for changed. She was still in that other paradigm, which is friends, achievement and fun, and I was all in growth, growth, growth, growth, growth. I read every book I could get my hands on. I spent thousands and thousands of dollars on books. It was like too much, honestly, in hindsight. But we started to drift apart. And the reason we started to drift apart is because we had a different thing that we were really focused on.

Speaker 2:

So the point of this episode is what do you really value the most? Her and I, when we first got together in my early 20s, we had the same core values achievement, which was academics at the time, college, friends and fun. So we worked, it worked, it was natural. She had friends, I had friends, I had fun, she had fun and we both achieved. We were both academics, we both had goals and dreams and we were working towards them.

Speaker 2:

Through college. That all worked when mine shifted away from fun, away from friends and away from achievement and went all in on personal growth and contribution, and I went all in on conversation change lives, then the hyper conscious podcast with Kev. Now, eventually, next level university. This is way before any of that, but it started to drift apart. So my question for our listeners is what do you value the most? Not what you say you value most, not what you think you value most, but what your actions show that you value most. And I think that's going to be a hell of a mirror and hopefully something we can all use to learn about ourselves.

Speaker 1:

Well, even in the preamble for this, you and I were talking behind the scenes and you said what do you value the most? And I said I don't know. I said I got to think about it. You said the podcast. Right, that's got to be the podcast. And I said well, yes, I value that very highly.

Speaker 2:

I said I know you.

Speaker 1:

The business. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I said, yeah, that's a big piece. I mean, I obviously value that a ton and I care about that a ton. I've dedicated my life to that. And we kept digging and digging and I said honestly, at the end of the day, it's just being a good person. I just want to keep, I just want to be a good person. That's really what I, no matter what I'm doing. That's what I'm trying to do. And then, if you can connect the dots to that, we've talked many times about how I had friends with benefits back in the day and I always. One of the reasons I'm always open about talking I'm open with talking about that is because I always try to be a good person, even in those situations. I never wanted to take advantage of anybody. I would never be with multiple people at the same time. It was always I just want to be a good person.

Speaker 2:

We used to say this early in the journey hashtag character over everything.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I used to say that all the time. I believe that. I believe that somebody asked me on a podcast a while ago about legacy what is legacy, what's your legacy to be? And I said I'm not thinking about when I'm dead, I'm thinking about after I leave this interview, where I may never talk to you again and most of your listeners will never hear from me again. I only get one shot. I get one shot at somebody hearing me and resonating or being inspired or impacted or motivated or changing their identity, whatever it is. I only get one shot. That's how I think of it. So I think that's always been. I won't say it's always been, but that's been a conscious decision for me for a long time. A conscious has it ever?

Speaker 2:

not been, because what if that's your deepest core value and it always has been.

Speaker 1:

No, when I was in high school I was kind of a dick to certain people. There was people I just wasn't. I wouldn't say I was a bully, but there were definitely times where I did stuff for attention that wasn't thoughtful towards other people.

Speaker 2:

So just because your actions didn't match your deepest core value, that might mean you're out of alignment. That doesn't mean that you don't care about it. I bet you you can remember every single time that you were like a really mean person.

Speaker 1:

It's not that I was ever. I wouldn't say I was super mean, but I thought it was funny. It's gonna sound terrible when my buddy and I would go fishing. I always like to knock him in the water and I would go in after.

Speaker 1:

It's not that it was. You had his cell phone and he had nice clothes on it. It was cold or anything I would go in after. But I just I always thought that was very funny. We would just do stuff like that. But then in retrospect I was doing more of that than anybody else. Nobody else was really knocking anybody else in the water. So I liked to be funny, and sometimes I think being funny was more at the expense of other people than it was anything else. So don't go fishing with me.

Speaker 2:

I had it many times.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I never knocked you in the water, I was immature, I was immature, I think I was seeking attention and then I think later in life, through awareness and just exposure to being a grown adult, that started to shift.

Speaker 2:

You remember the question I asked every guest when we back, when we had guests what about? You never changed. I think this is yours. Just because you were a dick at times doesn't mean you weren't. Just because what if, when you were a dick or whatever quote unquote you were just outside of alignment with who you're meant to be, who you aspire to be?

Speaker 1:

There's a reason. I remember it, remember we were talking. It was during COVID, I was, the gyms had just opened up, I think, and I was at the gym working out and I saw somebody watch my story, somebody that I went to high school with and I sent him a message and said hey, man, I just want to say I'm sorry if I was a dick. I wasn't trying to be, but I'm sure I wasn't as conscious of this as I could have been. He said ah, dude, you're good man, no worries, we were all trying to figure out in high school, but within the awareness I have now, I remember most of the stuff pretty specifically.

Speaker 2:

Because you were below your own standard. We remember the pain, and the pain is always coming when you're below your own standard, when you see people treat people poorly. It bothers you so much, right? It's you? My choreo, yeah, that's, I'm telling you that means it's your purpose, it makes sense, it, just like it bothers me so much when people don't maximize their potential. It bothers me more than it bothers you, for sure, right, isn't that? I think that that's, that's okay. I what if that's who we're meant to be? Yeah, and then what if we combined, you know, created a university online?

Speaker 2:

you know, no good, but at the end of the day, I think there's something to that. So, for our listeners, what is the what is the thing about you that never changed? What is it? That's the deepest thing that's driving your behavior Actions? That doesn't mean your actions always do, but it means that you always adjust. You know what's another good one For me I mean this when I say it.

Speaker 2:

You Helped me develop my character More than almost anyone. I would say. Emilia is the only person ahead of that. That makes sense because that's your focus, even if it wasn't conscious. I've helped you achieve your dreams and maximize your potential more than anyone else has. Doesn't that make sense? Because that's my purpose, you know. So you've helped me be a better man. I've helped you maximize your potential and now we are both men maximizing our potential and better men for it and, I think, better people for it. But obviously we're men. I Think there's something to that and I and I want to make sure that our listeners can can Learn from that, because, yeah, obviously you're a podcaster too, but if you had to choose, I want to be the most successful podcaster in the world versus I want to be the best man I can possibly be Care from a character perspective. You know your choice, you know, and I think that that's that's driving more of our behavior than we realize. And then we wonder why we aren't consistent on other things.

Speaker 1:

You know me and the other thing is what is that? What does it mean for you to be the thing that you care about? That's a layer of a layer of what does it mean to be nice? Do you not ever send your food back if it's cooked wrong? Or do you not ever set boundaries? That's, that's when, the last, or that's when. That's why, my goodness, that's why the previous season Was a lot about boundaries and sticking up for myself, because that's not something I did before.

Speaker 2:

I didn't do that well physically, because you were afraid to be a dick probably.

Speaker 1:

I don't want somebody to, yeah, I don't. I don't want somebody to have a negative experience, but sometimes that's. That's the way it has to be. It can't always be positive and it doesn't mean I'm a bad person, but that's evolution. That's evolution for me, I do.

Speaker 1:

I I deeply care what people think of me deeply, but I also understand that I can only influence Certain opinions. There's people out there that will never like me. There's people out there that would probably never not like me. Doesn't mean either of those are correct, doesn't mean either of those are wrong, but I just think knowing that is super important. And then, what does that mean to you? What does it mean to you to, for me, be a good person? What does that mean Okay? What does it mean to Be family first? What does that mean Mm-hmm? What does it mean to Be charitable? What does it mean to Care about growth? What does it mean to care about being present? You have to figure out what the definition of it, of it, is, because that, to your point, is determining the things you do, the things you don't do, the places you go, the places you don't, determining everything. And if you're, at least if you're aware of it, you can influence it a little bit more.

Speaker 2:

When we used to interview guests, we would sometimes struggle because we had guests that weren't aligned.

Speaker 2:

Yeah and the ones that weren't aligned for Kevin Often weren't aligned for me either, quite frankly, but it was usually because their character was off From your perspective. The people, the guests that weren't aligned for me, were the ones who didn't understand how they achieved their goals, and they're trying to teach other people how to achieve what they've achieved when they don't even understand. You know how lucky they got with XYZ. You know and or it was. They went viral or whatever. So there's, there's indicators all around us as to what our deepest core value is, and the way that I explain this is what are you optimizing for? Unconsciously, but that's just a fancy phrase, for what did you say before, when we were talking about this episode? You said Intentionality. What are you intentionally? Yeah, it's like a. If you have family first and and there's an opportunity to go to lunch with a mentor that's gonna help you maximize your potential, you're gonna focus on your family.

Speaker 2:

Over that, I coached this, this one woman who was wildly successful and she's like well, I want to make, you know, two and a half million dollars a year. I don't want my husband to have to work. You know, we have this new $800,000 house, we have these cars. We spend a lot of money and I remember telling her she's like I only want to work one third of the year and I said I can't.

Speaker 2:

I can't help you. You're not gonna. You can't make two and a half million dollars a year where you're currently at and have your husband not work Without working more. From my perspective, now you could eventually, but you have to invest to the next five to ten years into building a business that could do that. But she didn't want to go to me after that. I understand why you're. You want to spend more time with your kids. You she cares more about her children than she does about achievement. That's okay. I'm not making that wrong. I'm just saying you're not going to make $2.5 million a year when you're spending two thirds of the year with your children.

Speaker 2:

Now is it possible with some other way that I'm not aware of? Potentially I don't think so. But it makes sense if I'm trying to help her maximize her potential, maximize her contribution and maximize her profitability and she really, really all she really wants deep, deep, deep, deep down is to be with her kids and her family. Of course, the coaching is not going to work, and I think that I'm just more aware of that as an older man now. You know, a lot of people come to me and they tell me they want to maximize my potential, and then Kevin tells me I know that person. No, they don't, at least not to the level that you're taking it. And if you're out there listening, maybe you do want to grow, but maybe you care more about family than growth. That's okay. I don't agree with that, because I think growth is the most important thing for your family.

Speaker 2:

But every one of us has a different definition. We all have different core values and we all have different definitions of what those core values are. And if you're in alignment fully, that's what matters. If you're not, that's when your words aren't meeting your actions, and I'd rather you not tell yourself a story about that. I'd rather you figure out what is actually the most important to me, because everyone wants to be in shape, but not everyone values going to the gym enough to actually be in shape. They value food, maybe more. That's okay and again, not okay from the sense of you know. I obviously think everyone needs to hit a certain level of exercise and lead by example, and I feel like we all have a responsibility for future generations to lead by example. So there's that part of it.

Speaker 2:

But of course, I would think that, because growth is my number one core value, so hopefully there's something in this episode for you where it's, you know, for Kevin's hashtag, character over everything. For me it's hashtag maximize your potential over everything you know, and maybe number one is character for him and number two is maximizing his potential and his impact. I would say number two is probably impact, number three is your potential. For me, it's potential first, impact. Second, character. Third, probably actually I think it's in this case I think it would be character. Second, because maximize my potential. I now define as who I am, as a person you know. So that's kind of part of maximizing my potential, which is interesting.

Speaker 2:

But for you out there, what's yours? If you could only pick one. The hardest thing in the world, because obviously we have more than one core value, but you can only have one. That's that's your 10 out of 10. It's like going to a restaurant you don't have, you know, sushi, pizza and burgers. There's going to be one of those three that you do actually like more there's. You can't have three 10 out of 10s. In that case, for you, kevin, which one was it?

Speaker 1:

Pizza Pizza. For me it would be sushi.

Speaker 2:

For me it would be sushi.

Speaker 2:

I don't know See if you and I go to a restaurant together, I'm going to want to go to a sushi restaurant and you're going to want to go to a pizza joint, that's okay, but one of us is going to have to let the other person lead. And I think that once we understand this and this will be the last thing I say I promise I coach couples now, a lot of couples. It's so cool. Here's why, if you're optimizing for two different things and you're not aware that that's happening unconsciously, you're in a lot of trouble. I have one couple I'm thinking of.

Speaker 2:

One of them's number one core value by far is personal growth. The other person's core value is family, family, the female in the relationship. Her number one core values personal growth. Number two is family. All she has to know is oh, okay, everything family wise. He's going to prioritize over his personal growth and I need to just understand that and then maybe encourage him. Hey, your personal growth is what's best for the family. You see how you can uncover some great things when you do that. That's what we're really doing in our relationship talks coaching. So what is your next level? Nugget, was it buried?

Speaker 1:

in there. I just want to make sure we get it to the surface.

Speaker 2:

You have many core values, but you have one that your actions would prove is more important than all the others, and once you understand that, it will unlock something for you.

Speaker 1:

Mine would be when you figure out what you care about. Write down five behaviors that you are doing that, prove it, and five behaviors You're not doing that prove it. That's what I would say Give us an example.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, for me there's a. So there is this, a 77 year old man at my gym. His name is Bruce. He's awesome, he's crushing it. It comes in with his beanie on. He's got his own. He's got his own. He's got his lifting belt on. He's serious. Strong too For 77 strong, strong in general, not just for 77. I don't like talking to people in the gym Because I like going and getting after it at six o'clock in the morning, but Bruce is just a. He's a bright light and he's positive and he's just a good dude. So every day he comes in him and I have a little conversation. I'm very yeah cordial with them.

Speaker 1:

He's a great guy and he inspires me. 77, and he's a bodybuilder. Okay, I don't have a lot of excuses at 33 not to get my shit together. Pardon my friend. So I yeah, I give him time and space to connect because I know that's important to him, and then I go finish my work out. I Could I put my hat down and say, hey, man, I'm getting after it, don't bother me, of course. But that, what's the five minutes start the perfect example.

Speaker 2:

Character is more important to you than maximizing your potential. For me, I would have to yeah, I know and, but that doesn't mean I'm a bad person and that doesn't mean you're a bad person. It means that we are valuing Something different in a different order.

Speaker 1:

It doesn't mean I don't care about my character, no, but then the part of it is you would start to resent him eventually if you didn't do that.

Speaker 2:

And then that makes, because it wouldn't, that makes worse right versus you of this is worth it to me, because this is who I aspire to be yeah, depending on where I am.

Speaker 1:

Sometimes I just say, hey, man, I got a run, you know knuckles. And he'll come over and say, hey, can I grab a spot? Of course, yeah, I got you. And then I'll say, okay, I got to finish my set, it just. It can evolve it can. It doesn't mean I'm gonna hang out with them the whole time, and then we're gonna go sit down and have a shake after, and then we're gonna go to a pizza joint.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, do whatever.

Speaker 1:

Do whatever he wants to after that maybe that's too much, but yeah, that's, that's a good example. And then I would say I Don't know, I don't know what. A what a good example of not like what is something you're not doing. That is proof that you're Actually valuing what you value, or carrying them, I don't know what in that example, it would be not saying, hey, I really can't do this anymore.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, you know, not setting that boundary.

Speaker 1:

One of the things remember again, we've talked about this before, but one of the I won't use the this specific, but some of the hardest things I've ever done that have hurt other people Were because I knew it would hurt them more if I didn't do it. So Remember we've talked many times about the situation ship that I had where, yeah, effectively, I broke someone's heart Because I knew if I didn't break their heart then it was gonna get broken eventually.

Speaker 2:

And it weren't even worse.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, we weren't in it for the same reasons and I felt selfish. I said as has gone too far gone, gone.

Speaker 2:

Reasons you don't want to hurt others because you've been so hurt I.

Speaker 1:

Don't know, when you say it, it doesn't really connect. I Just feel like I have the opportunity not to, I Think. I think that's what it is. It's like I could get away with not. You know, this person doesn't have to get hurt. There's got to be a way around that, and sometimes there's isn't.

Speaker 2:

Unfortunately, yeah, because in that moment you had to choose Either your own alignment, you know you choosing you in that instance, no matter what that other person would end up hurt.

Speaker 1:

Well, the problem is that was the second version of that decision. I had already made the decision and said hey, I'm not in this. I don't really want a relationship. I'm sorry if I misled you. This just isn't aligned for me right now. I think we should go our separate ways. And the person came back with something, was like well, let's just be friends and you know we can hook up occasionally. I was like are you sure you want that? Because this is never gonna change for me. I can promise you you're not gonna woo me into our relationship. My mind's made up, it's done. And they said, no, this is totally fine. And then I was dumb and I was like, okay, cool, we're on the same page. And then we weren't on the same page. And then I remember I went to you and I said, hey, man, I gotta this girl's gonna get hurt. I gotta let this go.

Speaker 2:

It was hard.

Speaker 1:

I don't like hurting people. Hurt people sucks, but it's the worst Sometimes. Yeah, that's what's best for somebody long term To hurt a little bit less or, sorry, to hurt a little bit more in the short term than the long term.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, truth.

Speaker 2:

And also can people grow without any pain? That's the other piece of this Like can you be cruel to be kind and again, cruel is the wrong word, but whether it's, I did have a moment once where it's like I'm trying to help people grow but I'm also like I don't want to hurt them, but sometimes the truth that I need to share is hurtful, or at least it hurts their ego or whatever. And then I think back to my life and how many times I've been hurt and how much that helped me grow. You'd kind of do you almost have to decide Like I think I'm going and I've said this behind the scenes Some of the hardest things I've ever done.

Speaker 2:

I shared one time with one of the NLU team members and fortunately she's grown so much since then and I have as well. But I said I actually am in this audio message to you. I am prioritizing what I believe is best for your growth over your temporary feelings, and I want you to know that I'm not trying to hurt you. I just am trying to help, even though what I'm sharing might hurt, it might poke you or whatever. But I am trusting that what comes out of this is going to be better for both of us eventually and the key word is eventually because obviously crawling through the mud is never fun- have you one.

Speaker 1:

Have you than I expected Same have you than I expected? Next Elvination, if you so we have an email list. A lot of people might not know that because I don't know if we've ever talked about it, maybe a single time on the podcast. We used to be more focused on it, where we remember we were recording courses. We had a bunch of courses we were recording and they would get sent out every single week in the email and then we were like there's no way we can do this on top of all the other stuff we're doing.

Speaker 1:

But if you want to keep up with the behind the scenes, sometimes we'll send out specific discounts and deals with stuff that we have coming out. Just send me an email, kevin at nextleveluniversecom Full name. Just say, hey, I want to be in the email list. We're not going to spam you. We send one a week. We talk about sometimes relationship talks or book club or group coaching or stuff like that, but every single week is a value driven email going out about something from the podcast. So if you're interested, shoot me an email full name, first name, last name and I'll have your email. Obviously We'll have you added.

Speaker 2:

One of our amazing team members, jerry Ann, shout out to Jerry Ann she picks a best pick of the week. So if you cannot listen to all seven episodes, we are deeply regretful of that. No, she picks out her favorite from the week and she sends that when we are not promoting other things. So one email a week at the very most. I think the most we've ever done was three, and that was when we had a lot going on. Join us Kevin at nextleveluniversecom. Email him, say full name email address. We'll put you on there. Also, what was I going to share? Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Speaker 2:

Ok, I use our app. We have an app, but the new listeners, we do have an app. It's called Optimal and it's a habit tracker. You start out with three little habits and one, mim, which is most important measurement. The link in the show notes will take you to the landing page. The landing page has a video all about it.

Speaker 2:

It's a simple app. You download it on your phone. You track your habits. You do your most important win and most important improvement each day. Here's what I promise you you will feel more on track because each day you will be checking in. Tracking habits has got to be the most underrated tool on the planet. I cannot imagine my life without tracking habits. I have these little black notebooks behind me on my bookshelf. You can't see them on the camera right now, but I was doing that eight years ago and I was tracking and checking the box on mobility and foam rolling and did I exercise today? And eventually we created an app and the whole team tracks habits. It's called Peak Performance Tracking. The app name is Optimal. Click the link in the show notes, check it out and I promise you you'll at least gain some momentum.

Speaker 1:

Tomorrow for episode number 1,422. New seasons bring up old reasons. I have a couple stories for that. I can't tease them because I don't know exactly where I'm going to go with them yet, so you'll find out on tomorrow's episode. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, we're grateful for each and every one of you, and at NLU we do not have fans, we have family.

Speaker 2:

We'll talk to you all tomorrow Find that deepest core value. Next one Nishin.

Speaker 1:

Nice OK.

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