Next Level University

#1423 - A Vulnerable Conversation About Love

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

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In this episode, hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros talk about the complexities of love and how the most challenging parts can also be the most rewarding. They discuss how being in a committed relationship is like playing poker, always being all in, and choosing never to fold. They talk about taking ownership and checking with your partner what "song" they have stuck in their head and its implications.

Link mentioned:
Next Level Nation - https://www.facebook.com/groups/459320958216700     
Next Level U Book Club - https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/next-level-book-club/ 

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Show notes:
[2:59] The hardest things are those closest to the heart
[7:53] Be willing to take ownership
[14:53] Some people take too much or too little ownership
[16:17] Helen praises Alan’s Next Level Business Solutions coaching for providing safe and empowering coaching services
[19:20] What is the purpose of your intimate relationship?
[22:17] Don't be reckless, take it slow
[27:28] How much ownership are you taking?
[34:48] Outro

Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

Speaker 1:

Next level nation. Welcome back to another episode of next level university, where we teach you how to level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. We hope you enjoyed our latest episode, episode number 1422. New seasons bring up old reasons. Today for episode number 1423, as promised, a vulnerable conversation about love. So, alan I were on the road last week. This is our first time back in the studio in what seems like forever. I don't know. Maybe the last day I recorded a podcast episode was last Wednesday. I think this is the longest I've gone without recording an episode in.

Speaker 2:

Maybe years yeah it's.

Speaker 1:

It's wild, but here we are. Why are we doing this episode? Oftentimes I'm on other shows or we're on coaching calls or group coaching or meetups or whatever it is. And we have said this many times we all are going to end up in a relationship. Most likely not everybody will, but we have relationships. We all are going to experience love in some way, shape or form, whether it's love for an intimate partner, love for a pet, love for family member, whatever it may be.

Speaker 1:

Money we are all going to use money and we all live in a physical body. But a lot of us don't know about our physical body. We don't know a ton about health, we don't know a ton about wealth and we don't know a ton about love because we're not taught about it. We're not really taught about it. You and I are blessed because we have amazing relationships. So I figured if we could talk openly about love in general and how our perspective of love has shifted, that would be a powerful episode from my perspective. That's what I was thinking when I Decided we would do this episode. We did. I think we did a vulnerable conversation about Something in a couple months ago. I don't know if it was a vulnerable conversation about insecurity, or I Don't remember what it was.

Speaker 2:

Well, I know we did a meet-up about love recently.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, we did, you did. I did a summit about love last week. At the end of the day, I believe this the the things that are the hardest are the things that are closest to the heart. You said that before and I Don't know. Being a, being an entrepreneur, is one of the best ways in the world to learn about yourself.

Speaker 1:

I think the only better way to learn about yourself is to be in a relationship Agreed, because when you're in a relationship, you and you love this person. I mean, you have love for this person. You think about this person all the time. This is your person. The mirrors you're gonna get are just Some of the hardest ones in the world, and I don't have any specific ones at the top of my mind, but it's. It's almost like you're not playing Go fish, you're playing the highest level of poker possible and you're always all in and you always. You have all of your money on the table and if you lose, it's going to be a terrible, terrible loss. That's how I feel about true, true love, being married, having a family that there's a lot more pressure because the benefits are a lot higher, but the potential disastrous results are a lot higher as well.

Speaker 2:

Kevin and I spent a lot of time in a car. Kevin drove us to Pittsburgh and we've spent 16 plus hours in a car together in the last three to four days, so we talked a lot and we gave a speech in Pittsburgh for a fraternity called Alpha Chi Rho and Alpha Chi Rho is an organization that I was a part of back in college. That had a really positive impact on me during a challenging time. We've done a ton of reminiscing me, in particular because this brought me back. I saw some people that I knew in college and it was like people hadn't seen in a decade. It was wild, and in the car I did some napping while Kevin was driving and I was just processing.

Speaker 2:

So much Memories were flowing through my mind. If you've ever watched an old movie that you saw as a kid, it's like watching the movie again. But from this new awareness and I do this all the time and I was thinking about the relationships that I had in college friends, intimate relationships, some of the stories that came up during it during the speaking event, speaking engagement and Kevin I think a good frame for this episode that would be valuable is you and I reminisced a lot about those days when I was in college and you were working at the gas station and you were a firefighter or in the fire academy.

Speaker 2:

rather, let's talk from the frame of what we didn't understand, because if we're talking about what we didn't understand in our early 20s, late teens because Kevin and I spoke with mostly undergrads, which in this case were people that were 19, 20, 21- years old and it was wild and it was 1920 and 21 year old men because it was a fraternity, not a sorority, and so it just brought up all of my mentalities back in college, all of my understandings back then, or lack thereof understandings.

Speaker 2:

So I think we should talk a little bit about what we understand now as a 33 year old man in a committed relationship and myself, 34 in a committed relationship, because both of you, you and I are all in, You're married, so you're perceived as more all in. But I told you, amelia, at the beginning we talked to each other, but this is it for us. This is the one and the fears that can arise when you are all in. To Kevin's original point it's the biggest mirror, it's the most challenging work in the world, but it's also the most rewarding and if you do it right, the relationship just gets better and better and better.

Speaker 2:

But the challenges are there and it's more inner challenges than outer challenges. It's obviously both. You know, obviously, like well, who's going to do the dishes and who's going to get the groceries and who's going to take care of the pets and who's going to. That kind of stuff is easy. It still brings up. But what does it do? It brings up the inner stuff. So let's talk about what we didn't understand. So my question for you, kevin what's the, what's the biggest thing that you just genuinely didn't understand in your early 20s or late teens?

Speaker 1:

about love. I would say the the more you love someone, the more you have to be willing to take ownership. I never, never, connected those two things because, yeah, something might not be my fault quote unquote but I have a part of it. So there is. I don't have to take full responsibility for everything, but I have to take some responsibility for everything, whatever that means. Sometimes, taking responsibility is allowing somebody else to take the responsibility they need to. So you don't take on, you don't take on all the responsibility. Sometimes that's the right amount of responsibility. I would say that that was that's probably the biggest thing. I was thinking of that recently.

Speaker 1:

And when you're in a real deep, authentic, connected, lifelong relationship, there is no hatch to get out. I mean, you can choose that if you want, but I don't want to choose that. So you're always looking for, you can't look for a way out. You can't say you know what? I don't really. I don't really like feeling the way I feel right now. I know I made a mistake, but I don't want to take ownership for that. I'm going to go whatever. There isn't that. It's a game that never ends. There is no time limit, there are no goals, there is no arena. It's a game that never ends and you're always trying to get a little bit better.

Speaker 1:

But I think that ownership piece of it is is big and again we're talking about intimate relationships, I suppose in this episode. But you and I, one of the reasons you and I have gotten closer is because we have better ownership. I forgot to bring our lapel mics and there were circumstances there's always circumstances and I said well, I don't, I understand the circumstances but I don't want to put it off on somebody else. Like I knew better, I should have been prepared. I want to make sure I take ownership for what I can have when I could take ownership for in this situation. Right, because I I think that's important and obviously I love you as a business partner and a friend. That I would say ownership. Ownership is one of the most important things in the world for both partners, or I guess as many partners as there are in the relationship you do, you out there, I know, I'm sure there's people that have that yeah, ownership.

Speaker 2:

Ownership is taking responsibility for what you could have done better, should have done better, want to have done better. Ownership is taking responsibility for mistakes you've made. There's a really good example of ownership that came up in book club yesterday. We ended up doing book club on Sunday instead of Saturday because we were traveling all day Saturday and somehow ownership came up. I think it was responsibility or ownership those two are fairly interchangeable in my opinion and somehow the story came up about the lapels and how you and I oh, okay, so Brandon runs Book Club. He's the director of Book Club, but he also is the director of speeches.

Speaker 2:

So Kevin and I, after every speech, we do wins and losses, what we call an experience review and the wins were like four or five and then the losses were like 50. And it was a really strong experience overall. But we tend to focus on what we can improve rather than what we did well, which again can be dangerous with your self-worth. Be careful. But Brandon was joking and laughing about the list because it was, you know, 50 losses and only a couple wins. But one of the losses was the AV person at the hotel hadn't put batteries in the lapel mic, so we had to start late because the audio wasn't working over the speaker system and Kevin and I in the losses took responsibility. Anyway, here's what we took responsibility for we didn't take responsibility for the fact that there wasn't batteries in there. We did take responsibility for the fact that we didn't check if there were batteries and, more importantly, we said, next time we're going to go straight to the AV guy, we need to meet the AV guy first, just like at Next Level Live. That's one of the first things we do is tech first the night before. And so what we took ownership of was what we could control, what we could have done, and that's one thing that I'll say that we, I believe we do a really good job of.

Speaker 2:

And, quite frankly, to bring this back to love and relationships, love in particular. I'll share this briefly, and then I want to go to the thing that I think I didn't understand. I know I didn't understand. That I think is most valuable, but Kevin and I got back yesterday at I think I got back at 2.30 or so. I had book club at four and then I had a relationship talks, coaching call at 5.15.

Speaker 2:

And we also have a new kitten named Tiger Lily Tilly for short, and so now Emilia spent some time while I was away training Tilly, because she's only five weeks old, and I was like I'm going to do this little little thing and Tucker and Tariel, my dog and my cat, they don't know that they can accidentally kill Tilly If they are too playful because they don't know their own strength. So we kind of have to. The way in which we're training them has to be in separate rooms. For now I'm very much looking to the forward to the time when Tilly is strong enough and big enough to where she can play with her brother and sister without it being a concern. And she's quickly getting there, which is great.

Speaker 2:

And the whole system of you know put it feeding them, cleaning litter boxes, making sure they're in separate rooms at separate times, making sure so I come home and I pulled my back out when we were on the road there's a lot of sitting and then we worked out really hard together and, anyways, I pulled my back out. So that's made everything really challenging. So, anyways, fast forward, fast forward, fast forward. This morning I was sleeping 12 hours, last night, 11 hours and 47 minutes, I think time in bed is what my ordering said, and so I was in rough shape. She woke up, she's not feeling well, and so we're both trying to start our weeks on Monday from a place of definitely being behind. Plus the new kitten, plus all the other things, groceries, blah, blah, blah and again all still wonderful problems to have, but problems nonetheless I was.

Speaker 2:

She came up and said something and I was slightly snippy with this. One remark of like. No, I know like I totally I'm very, very rarely snippy with Emilia. Emilia and I have never fought, We've never raised our voice, We've never stormed out. We have ridiculously high standards when it comes to how we treat each other. But I was a little snippy Now, understandably snippy in some regards.

Speaker 2:

You know I'm doing a lot of the stuff. I'm overwhelmed. I have an unpacked. I got to be with Kev recording at XYZ. So hopefully you're out there thinking about your own relationship, your own love, your own past, your own current.

Speaker 2:

I could have just moved forward, Not a big deal. I could have easily just been like oh, you know, whatever, Sometimes I get snippy, Sometimes I'm late, Sometimes I'm blah, blah, no, no, no, no. So here's what I did. I said, ah, that was kind of snippy, that wasn't very kind. So she was taking a shower and I went and apologized and gave her a kiss and she said thank you so much. I appreciate it. I'm like I'm not feeling well. My back is killing me. You know I'm behind, I'm overwhelmed. And she said same deal. I'm feeling terrible, Like you know she's like. This is why I hate travel. It always. It always hurts the relationship sometimes Not always, but sometimes it does and just trying to get back in the swing of things and I know that people out there are relating to this, you know when you're overwhelmed some of you have kids, I have pets. When I, when we have kids, it'll be even more challenging by a significant margin. The point that I'm making is I took ownership. I easily could have brushed that off of no, that was on you or no, that's not a big deal, but those little things, they stack up and I would much rather just get back in rapport and get back on the same page and just take ownership. And so, how much are you taking ownership in your relationship? And I think everyone is either taking too much ownership that's the the side I tend to be on or too little, and I think that was a good example of that Mine. The thing that I didn't understand when I was younger the paradigms. It was 2020. No tail into 2019.

Speaker 2:

Kevin and I co-hosted an event called Top Notch Live. You've probably heard of it. If you're a long-term listener, if you're a new listener, it was a really quite big event in hindsight eight speakers, full day, 100 people and Tori Aletto, one of our friends, who has a podcast or had a podcast. I don't know if she's still doing it or not. The imperfect person no, Okay, she is a family therapist and she coaches or does therapy with couples. She's a couples counselor for lack of better phrasing, I don't know her exact title, but she's been studying relationships for at least 15 years, if not 20 years, and she gave a speech on intimate relationships. The very first thing she said I'll never, ever forget. She got on stage and the very first flash card she had, because she was a new speaker at the time. She said intimate relationships are about growth. The purpose of an intimate relationship is growth. And then she went into why that's so powerful.

Speaker 2:

I now coach couples all over the world. I have a conscious couples podcast. I'm constantly doing events about relationships. A lot of listeners know that that is the most important thing hands down. If I was on a relationship talks, coach and call yesterday.

Speaker 2:

If the purpose of your relationship is growth, every challenge becomes an opportunity. If the purpose of your relationship is fun, I honestly think you're in trouble, and I'm not saying this lightly. I used to have relationships that were built on friends and fun. She has her group of friends, I have my group of friends. We have fun. I talked about that in the last episode last week one of the episodes last week. That's a fun centered paradigm. Our relationship's purpose is fun and friends. The problem is, when you have challenges, when you have disagreements, when you have arguments, when you have fights, is that an opportunity to grow or is it? You know what, honestly, this isn't working out, Whereas with Emilia and I, the purpose of our relationship is growth and contribution. So every time we have a challenge, it's an opportunity to take more ownership and learn about yourself, learn about each other so that you can be better, and then, when you become better, you have more to give, which is the contribution piece. So that's what I didn't understand in my early 20s, late teens. I didn't understand that the purpose of an intimate relationship, if you decide in advance with your partner, the purpose is growth. All of a sudden, every challenge becomes a beautiful opportunity to become better. But I do wanna share this, because I feel the same way when you say that Essentially what Kevin's articulating is that whenever he sees a couple saying I love you right away. And it's dangerous, yeah, because it's not built on a strong foundation.

Speaker 2:

Emilia and I fell in love very quickly and we went very deep very quickly is what he's referring to. But, Kev, I took it slow. I didn't kiss her until our second date. I didn't end up sleeping and we share this stuff on the conscious couples podcast, so she has no problem with me sharing this stuff. We didn't have sex right away. We were.

Speaker 2:

I was playing a long game from the beginning. I didn't want to make that mistake of letting the infatuation and the newness take over my emotions. I didn't wanna make a long-term decision based on short-term emotions. So we were very I mean, I think I didn't ask her to be with me until three months later, even though I was certain I wanted to be with her within the first week and I didn't. We kissed the second date. We slept together a month later, plus at least. And I'm sharing this because I wanna be vulnerable and I wanna encourage people.

Speaker 2:

When you find your person, you don't have to. When you find your person, you don't have to lock it up quick or anything like that. You can play a level-headed, positive. Do it the right way. My thing was do not screw this up. Do this one right, Do this one right. You're in no rush. You're in no rush, Just let it organically grow, let it develop. So I didn't mean to interrupt you, Kev, but I wanna make it clear that I do think that those are red flags. They really are, and you and I have talked behind the scenes.

Speaker 2:

Kevin is I'll call him the relationship predictor. He is very, very, very. If you bet on, Kevin watches UFC, as you know, and every Saturday he bets on fights. And with betting on relationships, Kev, you're a percentage you showed me your UFC percentage is like 48% up or something. It's very, very high in the prediction and I think one of the things he looks for is people that are being a little bit reckless with how quickly they're jumping in and getting infatuated and they're not necessarily playing the long game out of the gate, or maybe they are, but you're very high in your percentage and I think that's important to share. Oh, very good. Yeah, I love it Really. Why? It's a good point and it's way better than ours, at least way better than mine. Yeah, I know. Oh yeah, it's a good analogy for success as well.

Speaker 2:

You start a podcast for a couple of weeks. Everybody's listening. It's the best, Definitely Next level nuggets. Check in with what the purpose of your relationship is from your perspective and then also from your partner's perspective. If it is not, what I would say is if, whatever paradigm and the paradigm what I mean is the you ever have a song stuck in your head. It's like that. It's the song that's stuck in your head. For me, you and I, it's how do we grow our head, Both of us, when one of them is. How do we grow together in? How do we grow together? How that guitar, how that rebel. Oh yeah, baby, we're going to do something interesting as of now. Check in what's the song playing, what's the song stuck in your relationship's head, and then what are the long-term pros and cons of that.

Speaker 2:

What about you? Good luck following that up. I Real, real quick. Every now and then, kev will have a moment when I say something. I always know when the moment happens where you're like Wow, that's like really good. It's actually not that often. Surprisingly, that was one of those. That was fun for me, thank you.

Speaker 2:

You, yeah, yeah, and our, our primary demographic is women. I Been extremely impressed with her in that regard. That's been unbelievable. I thought when you and I first started this and we realized that our listeners were primarily women, I remember thinking that and that was long before I met Emilia but you wouldn't turn, we're dating. And I remember thinking this is gonna be challenging for us Because it's going to increase that way and we've never had any problems. It's like unbelievable.

Speaker 2:

I'm super impressed with them. They also trust us. So that's us also being very trustworthy. Right, if they were to, yeah, same, because if there was ever a breach in trust, that would make that Wait, you know, and there never will be. So it's good, Definitely you. But there's the opposite end of that of a pilot who thinks he's the man or the woman and isn't very good, which is ego, right. So it's hard to decipher between those, but that's another episode. Fair that's fair Either way. Either way, good enough. That's how we built Next Level University. Nice work, that was it. When good enough is never enough, you'll always have enough. It's excellent.

Speaker 2:

It's true, when Kevin and I went and spoke, we did breakout sessions. We were with these people for three and a half hours and I led with that. You're going to be with us for three and a half hours today. People were yeah, don't lead with that. And some of the people were very, very open and honest about their challenges. Other people were really not as vulnerable and not as willing to admit where they need help. Our community is a place where you can ask for help in a safe way, where you're not going to be seen as less than you're actually going to be seen as more than You're not going to be seen as weaker. You're actually going to be seen as stronger and hopefully, you join Next Level Nation and start to realize that that's the place to do that.

Speaker 2:

And anytime anyone was ever disrespectful, they got booted and we will continue doing that, quite frankly, because I think bullies are the reason why most people aren't helped, because they're so afraid to be bullied. They don't want to share what's really going on. And then they never solve what's really going on because there's so many people that can help you with things, because that's their life's work. Speaking of life's work, jim Quick helps everyone with one thing he was young and he got bad concussions, two really bad concussions, and he was told he was the boy with the broken brain. So if you've ever felt not smart enough or you've ever felt like learning is hard for you, he talks about meta-learning, learning how to learn, and so this book is called Limitless. It is unbelievably powerful.

Speaker 2:

We had some people in tears yesterday on Book Club. Book Club is every Saturday at 12.30 pm, eastern time I'm trying to say Eastern time instead of Eastern Standard Time, eastern time and we are 124 weeks in a row without a single miss. We are only doing one chapter per week. So just read. We are doing chapter two next week and we hope to see you there. The link to register will be in the show notes. I should do that Same, definitely. Mm-hmm. Yeah, keep taking ownership. Excelling nation, strong work, okay, bye-bye.

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Alan Lazaros

Host
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Kevin Palmieri

Host