Next Level University

#1429 - We Really Wish We Stopped Spending Time With THESE People Sooner

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

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What if your biggest mistake is surrounding yourself with individuals oozing with arrogance and entitlement?  In this episode, hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros talk about how they have dealt with arrogance and entitlement. They discuss how our own behavior can sometimes enable these toxic traits. They also talk about reformulating relationships with toxic individuals, stressing the importance of alignment and separating arrogance from true confidence.

Links mentioned:
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Show notes:
[3:35] Arrogance and entitlement
[9:49] It's hard to combat arrogance
[16:17] Rebecca praises Alan's coaching and the effectiveness of the Peak Performance Tracker in keeping her consistent and moving toward her goals
[17:16] A quick activity during the podcast
[21:14] Break free from toxicity
[24:52] Gratitude and humility
[32:17] Outro

Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

Speaker 1:

Next level nation. Welcome back to another episode of next level university, where we teach you how to level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. We hope you enjoyed our latest episode, episode number 1428. What if your success is just a numbers game? Today, for episode number 1429, we really wish we stopped spending time with these people sooner.

Speaker 1:

I had something happen one time, alan, where it made me question why and whether or not I would continue to be friends with someone, and it's not the story I've told many times. There was someone in my life who was into hunting and they went out and they were hunting and they shot a deer and they posted a picture of this deer on Instagram and they put the hashtag vegan and One of our mutual friends actually, who was, is I don't know if they still are, but they were a vegan at the time Comment and said hey, that was kind of a dick move and he wasn't very kind to this person. It was. It was very strange for me because it didn't seem like something this person would do. It didn't seem like this person Was that negative or that toxic it. It was quite a surprise to me, honestly.

Speaker 1:

But after that happened and I started to look back. I remember seeing other signs of what we're gonna talk about today and it started to make sense to me, and then I noticed more of that behavior and more of that behavior, and more of that behavior. But what we're talking about today is arrogance and entitlement. Being around somebody who is arrogant, being around people who are entitled there aren't Many, if any, benefits of it, honestly, especially if you're somebody who is very humble or, going back to our previous episode, excuse me, a 1427 are you a turtle or a puffer fish? If you're a turtle Around puffer fishes or around people who are arrogant or entitled, it's gonna mess up the relationships. What can I help you with, sir?

Speaker 1:

Whenever I smile, kevin always interrupts the episode and asks what he can, because I know something's going on in that, in that brain, ears, yeah puffer fishes. Fish is is already.

Speaker 2:

No, I love it man For fun for me, but I'm not trying to, I'm not trying to hate, I'm not trying to make fun. No, no, I know, I just think it is fun, I'll put you down.

Speaker 1:

I'm in an unresourceful state that I will put you up.

Speaker 2:

Puffer fishes puffer fishes and I thought it was funny. I'm allowed to smile. Turtle and puffer fishes.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, exactly, but that's what we're talking about today arrogance and entitlement. It was very arrogant of that person to do what he did to put a picture up and tag People, knowing those people would be offended and then, when they got offended, just talking trash to them. That was very arrogant. It was a very arrogant, toxic thing to do. And then when I looked back, this person and I used to have physical altercations because I remember thinking he's kind of a dick sometimes. Sometimes you say some stuff that it's just not very kind. I never connected the fact that that was arrogant behavior.

Speaker 1:

Now, full disclosure the definition of arrogance versus what we think arrogance is versus what you think arrogance is might be different. The definition of entitlement versus what we think versus what you think. This is gonna be an open conversation when there's gonna be a lot of contemplation. But if you can ask yourself, are there any people who I would put into the arrogant and or entitled bucket? How do I respond when I'm spending time with them? Why are they still in my life? Is it positive that they're in my life? That's really the goal of this episode is just to have an open conversation around those two things, and the reason why is in retrospect. I wish I spent less time with people like that. You wish you spent less time with people like that.

Speaker 2:

If we can Use our pain and lessons to help you avoid some, then that's what this episode is for you know, when you were talking, I was thinking about I wish I had let had spent less time with this. This type of person, toxic, came up for me. Yeah, I think that we should talk about that. What is, yes, arrogant and entitled, our our toxic and very simple analogy here if you, if you are a plant in toxic soil, with toxic water and and toxic rain and and no sunshine, no matter how amazing you are, you're going to slowly decay.

Speaker 2:

I Used to believe in myself so much that I believed I could not only achieve my dreams, but I believed that I could bring a lot of other people with me, and I think to some extent, that's obviously true. Our company is built on the idea that we can bring people with us toward our dreams. Together, we can all grow, we can all achieve, we can all be better, and I do believe that that's a superpower. But it came with this kryptonite and it came with this weakness. This weakness was me allowing myself to tolerate being super disrespected by people who are arrogant, entitled and toxic. And it wasn't until Kevin came into my life, or Emilia came into my life, and they started observing the way I was treated by other people and they were like, hey, that's like really toxic, that's really arrogant, that's really I can't believe you. Let them treat you that way. And then I started to say, oh okay, cause that was kind of normal being around arrogant, entitled people. In hindsight I am gonna share this. I have been around a lot of arrogant, entitled people in my life and that has been single-handedly the biggest mistake of my life. I'm not even just, I'm not even kidding. That's been the most the single-handed, biggest mistake I've ever made is me unconsciously, and then eventually consciously, choosing to continue to surround myself with arrogant, entitled people.

Speaker 2:

In hindsight, when I shifted from corporate America into podcasting and I started a podcast called Conversations Changed Lives and I started getting into fitness and I started chasing my dreams and I started doing fitness competitions and fitness coaching and fitness modeling, I had a lot of people make a lot of fun of me. They made a lot of fun of me. They talked behind my back. They thought I was an idiot. Why would you ever quit a job making that much money? I would never do that and in hindsight it really is fascinating because those are very arrogant, entitled things. I would say they're toxic things.

Speaker 2:

In hindsight, from this frame, kevin and I are very, very successful. We've built a quarter million dollar per year business and growing. It's a quickly, exponentially globally growing business. We're very successful. Kevin and these people were very, very arrogant in oh he's such an idiot. I can't believe he did that. I would never do that. It's very why not support me? In hindsight it doesn't make any sense. Why wouldn't you just want me to go succeed? Why wouldn't you want us to? We're trying to help people.

Speaker 2:

I remember thinking to myself like I'm like talking to kids for free at the Boys and Girls Club to try to help them create prosperity in their lives. Why are you hating on me so much? I have so much pain under this, and the truth of the matter is, is that part of it is my fault and here's why I allowed toxic people to be toxic toward me and I didn't stick up for myself. I should have said dude, shove it. You're a loser, get out of here. I'm gonna succeed way more than you.

Speaker 2:

I never did that. I never said that. I never was like dude, what makes you think that I'm gonna fail? What makes you think on what planet? What makes you think that you know better than I do? Why? Where do you get off? On what planet? Do you know business better than I do? I have an MBA. You've never succeeded in business in your entire life. You've never started a podcast. You can see how frustrated I am with myself that I never stood up to these people. I never told them to shove it and in hindsight it was really toxic. I'm lucky that I made it through a lot of that dude, honestly, because there were times when I felt so alone and I felt so misunderstood and I felt so not believed in. I'm surprised in some way I don't know even how I made it through a lot of that dude, honestly.

Speaker 1:

Well, it's very hard to combat Arrogance. Remember and I don't say this to brag, but I think it's a really good example Alan and I were at a party and I was drinking and there was somebody there who was very arrogant he's been very arrogant to you in the past and he was picking on someone who's picking on your, who was your girlfriend at the time and I said I said hey, man, if you don't stop, I'm gonna take you outside and beat the shit out of you. Like, what are you doing? Why are you such an ass? I was drunk, so I was very forward.

Speaker 1:

Dude he's always been like that, but that was the last time he ever he doesn't. He won't talk to me like he talks to you.

Speaker 1:

Now again that's a dangerous game too. How do you overcome arrogance? I don't know. I don't know what the answer is. I can't claim to know it because if I was sober I might not have said anything, because I wasn't that courageous. I wasn't that courageous. I said I was gonna tell you this or say this story Today. As of recording this episode, I did a podcast pre-call earlier, and it's a podcast about business, and I did my research and I said, yeah, this seems this should be good. They have 38 episodes Cool, it's right up our alley. And I log into this podcast pre-call and there's the producer. So I'm talking to the producer of the show. I'm not even talking to the host. I don't even know who the host is at this point and he said, hey, we're excited to have you. I just want to take you through this presentation so we can make sure this is a good fit. And I was like, okay, red flag's already going off.

Speaker 1:

Just the energy around this the energy around.

Speaker 2:

this is different. Yeah, it's like dance, kevin. Dance A little bit To prove yourself to us. A little bit, because you're not worthy of our.

Speaker 1:

But I understand this is the process for people. So cool, I'm open-minded, let's do it All right. Cool, so we're going through and they say, okay, what's the size of your social media audience? Do you have a mailing list? And I said yeah, but we don't really. We don't really utilize it. We send you know, we'll send an email every week on the top tip from the week for the podcast. And he said do you do like any selling on it? I said no, not really. No, we'll talk about group coaching every once in a while. And he said, why not? And I said because that's not the way our business model set up Right there. It's like why not? You're not going to coach me? No, no, no, that's not why I'm here. I don't even know who you are and very clearly, you don't know who I am either and also very clearly real talk.

Speaker 2:

they're not that successful. I know, I know, I know. So which is arrogance?

Speaker 1:

I power through that. And we're yeah, we're talking, we're talking. And then we get to the point where and I was going to ask I was going to say are you expecting money from me? Is that coming? Is that what's going to happen here? Because I'm not interested.

Speaker 1:

If that's the case, they said so you don't have to do this. But if you do want to, you can send us $100 and we'll run a Facebook ad and it'll help the episode. And also, if you could get three people to subscribe and share and then also connect us with people who come on the show and we'll make connections for you. That's a very entitled way to approach having a guest on. So and here's how I know I'm doing you a bigger favor than you're doing me I know your show is not successful. I'm certain of it. I can tell by looking at it. When we and this is now that could be considered arrogant the way I said it, but here's the thing I've dated a back it up when we had Evan Carmichael on in the beginning, it was how much time are you willing to give us? 20 minutes?

Speaker 2:

It was gratitude, it was gratitude, it was gratitude, it was gratitude. The opposite of entitlement is gratitude.

Speaker 1:

And I would say that's one of the ways we got as many amazing guests as we did is we were very, very grateful and we overprepared. I knew their names, I knew you knew their businesses. That is grateful energy versus entitled energy. Then we get to the end of this podcast pre-call and he said oh, if you ever are looking for guests, we'd love to join. And I said we don't have guests and I don't know who you are. Why would we have you on our show? I'm a podcaster, I'm an entrepreneur, I have 1400 episodes. That says I take this very seriously. That's why I'm coming on you. I'm way ahead of you. I'm way ahead of where you are.

Speaker 1:

In podcast land I get that very often where people say, well, I'd love to come on your show. You're missing the point. I don't ask Tom Brady and I'm not saying where Tom Brady, but I don't ask Tom Brady to play catch with me. I understand he has other people that he can go play catch with. It's entitled not to do the research before you talk to someone because that makes you look bad.

Speaker 1:

I did another podcast today and this person was sweet. It's not a negative thing, but we're going through kind of the pre-flight checklist. And she said I just want to make sure all of your notifications are off and you have water and all that. And I didn't say anything. I'm not going to say anything. And when she said tell me about your business, I said we have 1400 episodes. And she said wow, I feel like an idiot because here I am talking to somebody who's 100 times further than I am and I'm telling them the pre-flight checklist. And I said honestly no, I'm all for it. I want to hear what your pre-. It would be arrogant of me to say you don't have to tell me any of these things. I know everything.

Speaker 2:

I don't know everything.

Speaker 1:

I'm the man and I know, yeah, that would be arrogant. As a matter of fact, it's actually a cred build because they're taking their platform seriously.

Speaker 2:

I appreciate that and it wasn't from that place of I appreciate that. And then afterwards they were like oh, I'm sorry. You obviously know that. See, that's humility, that's humility of like oh, wow, you're way ahead of me. Sorry that, I didn't mean to be disrespectful. It's like you weren't disrespectful. If you were, trust me, I'd know it.

Speaker 1:

We see this. Yeah, One of the reasons this is such an important episode is you, whether you're watching or listening. You might not have radar on this as much I do. I have an undercover radar of if you're arrogant, arrogant or entitled. I can smell it. It turns me off immediately and I do not want to spend any time with you, regardless of how much it might be detrimental.

Speaker 2:

I don't care.

Speaker 1:

Whatever We'll go, do our own thing. I'd rather be aligned and losing than misaligned and winning. We'll figure it out, thank goodness, we'll figure it out.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, that.

Speaker 1:

My early next level nugget would be what is your radar for arrogance or entitlement, what is your response to it, and how many positions are being held in your life by people who are arrogant and or entitled?

Speaker 2:

I always do this at speeches. I have the entire audience close their eyes. If you're not driving, please close your eyes. I'm closing mine as well. You have one person. This person wants to see you win and you know they want to see you win. They put wind in your sails. Sometimes they tell you hard truths that are challenging to hear, but you know deep down, intuitively, they want to see you win. They do. They want to see you flourish. They want to see you grow. They want to see you succeed. They believe in you. And maybe this person on the surface maybe you don't even like them all that much, but you know deep down they really want to see you win.

Speaker 2:

Okay, that's person one, person two and when I share this it should almost bother you Because you don't want to admit it this second person they seem like they want you to win. They make it seem like they really want to see you succeed. On the surface, on the outside, they make it appear like they're supporting you, but you know deep down in your heart of hearts and in your soul and in your intuition that they don't want to see you win. This is the type of person where you play a board game with them and they almost don't even care if they win. They just don't want you to win. This is a person who pretends to support you but you know deep down there deeply jealous of you, and you know they unconsciously do not want to see you win. This one will be hard to admit. It's someone you're like damn damn, that is true. I don't have evidence, I don't have anything I could point to, but I know intuitively. They just don't want to see me flourish. They don't want to see me succeed beyond them. Now open your eyes and tell me which one of those people you spend more time with. Every time I do that. It is such a huge awakening Because the person you're spending the most time with is most likely the person who is hoodwinking you to stay with them, and the other person who really does want to see you win isn't fighting for your time. They're not fighting for your time because they believe in themselves and because they're free. I'm not mad at Kevin. When Kevin decides to do Kevin If it conflicts with the business, I'll say hey, man, we need this, this and this, but that's because I want to see him win and I know that I'm not the most likable person in the world and all that crap. What I do also know is I want to see people win, I want to see people flourish, I want to believe in people and I want to see people win, and I always have.

Speaker 2:

And you have people in your life that are toxic. You just haven't identified it because it sucks to look at. It does it sucks to look at. You want to believe these people aren't toxic and even they want to believe they're not. But they are. And if you get away from them, believe it or not, that's when they'll start being humble. When you leave, they will be more humble. When you set boundaries, they will be more respectful.

Speaker 2:

This is my biggest mistake, hands down, and I'm not making that mistake anymore. Thanks to Kev, thanks to Emilia, I know how to reverse engineer finish lines and I know how to achieve goals and I know how to make habits, I know how to track habits and I know math and I know all this stuff. I was not good at this at all. I had no idea what arrogance looked like. I had no idea what lack of humility looked like. I had no idea what entitlement looked like. I had no idea what toxic looked like. Toxicity is real, it is in your life and you know intuitively that it is, but you keep gaslighting yourself and you keep convincing yourself that they're not toxic, when deep down you know they are and you have to break free. You have to punch the bully in the face and they'll stop bullying you because deep down they're just very weak. That's actually why they're so toxic.

Speaker 1:

If you are able to reformulate the relationship, they'll probably leave. The reason a lot of people are in the relationships they're in is because they have control. They have power, they have influence. Whatever they feel like they're in control. I think that's a good way to put it. The second you say it's not going to be that way anymore, they might go somewhere else when they have control.

Speaker 1:

Which will show you why they were that way the whole time. When I look at ads on social media, the thing that jumps off the page to me now is it creates entitlement. It's creating entitlement. It's saying you are entitled to more success than you have with less work. That's all it's doing. That's all it's doing. I had a podcast breakthrough session with someone and she said if I work with you, what kind of success can I expect? I said I love that question because I'm going to tell you the truth. It depends on how much work you put in. I have some clients who crush it. I have some clients who don't do much because they don't want to put any more work in. That's on you. That's totally up to you. The level of work you put in is going to dictate the success you have not me, I can help you.

Speaker 2:

I can help you Most honest answer. He sells person who's ever given.

Speaker 1:

This person said they wanted to work with us, so I think it was the right answer.

Speaker 2:

You mean that I can't get a six pack in 30 days and that I can't be a multi-millionaire in the next 90 days?

Speaker 1:

That's all. Perpetuating entitlement is what it is.

Speaker 1:

People know, that If I was sleazy and I was putting together an ad, I would do the same thing. I would say what can I do? That would create real entitlement around the fact that they want results that they don't have yet and I can teach them how to do it. This is what I would do. That's all it is. It's creating entitlement. It's creating false expectations.

Speaker 1:

Unfortunately, Unfortunately, I know that's off the road of what we're talking about here today. That is the question that you asked, Alan. Who are you spending more time with? That is a very, very powerful question, because you might not even be able to be yourself around certain people if they're arrogant or entitled. You might be a different person completely.

Speaker 1:

One of the reasons I didn't like I think things would be a little bit different now but one of the reasons I didn't like spending time around arrogant people is because I couldn't stay centered. It was very hard for me to stay myself. Sometimes I would stoop to where they were and I didn't like that. I feel dirty after and I'd regret it, but I didn't know how to fix it. I didn't know how to stop it. I didn't know how to stay. I'm better at it now. I'm checking, I'm shield bumping and I'm staying in alignment and saying, if I'm being honest, that's not for me, I'm not interested, but it's uncomfortable and it sucks. But even on that call, that podcast pre-call, this person said no, I'm grateful you are telling me the truth, I'm all about authenticity. It's like all right, cool, that's good. We're more in alignment than we were before. I still don't think I want to do it, but we're more in alignment than we were before. I appreciate the honesty as well.

Speaker 2:

So yeah, Staying aligned in life is hard enough with supportive people around you. It's going to be impossible with toxic people around you, with arrogant people around you, with entitled people around you. The opposite of entitlement is gratitude. The opposite of arrogance is humility. I'm going to define each real quick, because this is something I wish I knew so desperately.

Speaker 2:

Arrogance is someone who thinks they are better than they really are. Entitlement is someone who thinks they're more important than they really are, thinks they deserve by default, thinks they shouldn't have to earn anything. They are a certain color or a certain race or a certain pedigree or a certain came from a certain family. It's entitlement you think you deserve by default, without any work. You think you're better than other people. It's like a spoiled kid who gets whatever they want without any effort and then they walk around in life thinking that they deserve things by default. In some ways that's not actually even the kid's fault. That would be the parent's fault. But at the end of the day it's our responsibility to identify where we're at and our community tends to be walked on. They tend to be bullied. It makes sense law of attraction. Kevin and I have been walked on and bullied a lot me more than him. Quite frankly, I'm good at a lot of stuff. I've never been good at this. I'm getting better at this and it is. It's changing my life. It's changing my life.

Speaker 2:

So humility is an accurate understanding of your own value, an accurate understanding of your own importance, an accurate understanding of your own skills, an accurate understanding of your own abilities. Humility is I'm a student and I'm also a teacher, and I know which is which and I know when to be which, and I'm not going to teach you about things that I suck at, kevin and I. I was on the phone earlier with the NLU team and we're creating something called the next level dreamliner. This is going to be a planner that helps you break your dreams down into goals, down into milestones, down into tasks and habits, and it's going to be something that's amazing, that keeps you on track. And I opened the meeting it was me, amy, jerry, ann and Lizzie and I said listen, this will never be sold through NLU if Kevin and I don't love it enough to use it every day.

Speaker 2:

Kevin and I do not sell things that we do not do ourselves. We just don't. If we're not using them ourselves, we won't talk about it, we won't do it, we're not full of it. We're not going to lead you to a place we haven't been or a place we're headed toward and that's leading by example and that's who we are. So we're not going to sell you some quick, fixed course that we've never done. We've never made a million dollars in two days, so we're not going to sell you a course on how to do it yet We've yet.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I think I'm on to, I'm actually on to something behind the scenes that could turn that actually.

Speaker 2:

And if and when that happens, we'll tell you the truth of what accumulated beforehand.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it took six years. Six years in two days. But yeah, Don't worry about the first six years. Yeah.

Speaker 2:

Don't worry about the first six years of grinding, but at the end of the day, that's what it is Is you know intuitively who is toxic and you're afraid to admit it to yourself because it's sad, it's sad, it sucks. You don't want to believe it, I don't either, but when you leave their life, your life is going to flourish and you're going to go. Hmm, there seems to be a correlation between how magnificent my life gets and how far away from these people I get, and that has been my experience, that has been Kevin's experience. Set boundaries, sail away from toxic.

Speaker 1:

And I wonder if one of the reasons I'm good at letting people go is because I understand if they're toxic and they're going, that's what's going to happen anyway. Yeah, probably I hang on to be a higher unconscious competency that we never knew? Yeah, I hang on to people who are, who are nutritious, who are positive. I do, I'm surrounded by those people.

Speaker 2:

Well, your deepest fear was failure, and if you didn't believe you could succeed, of course you're not going to believe you can succeed with toxic people yeah, that's fair. So for you it's like okay, I have to leave. I'm afraid I'm not going to succeed regardless. So for you, that humility was huge. I think that shows humility. So you've always been better at this and you've definitely helped me in this. So much I appreciate it brother.

Speaker 1:

I don't know where it comes from, but this is something that I've just had radar on for a long time and I don't know where it comes from. But I'm grateful If you, if you have questions or you need support on this, reach out. I don't know what that would look like. I don't know if you're going to send me a picture of someone and say, hey, is this person arrogant? I don't know. I don't know what it will look like, but if you need help deciphering what it means, please, we're always just a message away. We're always just a message away. If you are looking for more like-minded people, maybe you're in this moment realizing I am surrounded by a lot of people who are arrogant and entitled and I want to get around people who are humble and have big goals and big dreams and want to see me win.

Speaker 1:

Your 12th round of group coaching is starting October 3rd, 6pm Eastern time. Right now the website is updated. We have everything ready to go. I know a lot of people couldn't get into the group that is running now. If you missed out, please reach out for the promo code. We'll give it to you and get signed up so you do not make the same mistake you made before. With the promo code, it ends up being less than $97 a month, a bargain, really, really, really affordable. That's why we have it set up that way, so you can afford it. We want to help.

Speaker 2:

That's it. That's it. I want to share this quickly. Group coaching Kevin and I revamped the curriculum. There goes my alarm. Kevin and I revamped the curriculum for-. We sat down and were like, okay, we've done 10 groups, that's 100 people and we've learned a lot. Let's take all the best stuff and let's get rid of all the stuff that didn't land or wasn't clear or didn't help build momentum. We revamped the whole curriculum and so far, group 11 is on fire cranking. The last thing I want to say is, whether it's group coaching or next level nation or anything at NLU, what we can promise you is that toxic people are on our radar. Now. We know what it's like when someone's trying to put others down or be disrespectful or be a bully. We've booted people from next level nation who were being toxic. One time I did a live video where I was sharing a story and I was crying and someone was really toxic and Kevin booted them within 20 minutes.

Speaker 1:

They're gone.

Speaker 2:

If you're not supportive of other people's goals and dreams and of other people's choices, you're gone. If you want a safe place to flourish and grow and be somewhere where you know you're not going to get bullied or made fun of, next level nation is the place.

Speaker 1:

Heavy one. Last thing I'm a natural protector, so if you're in the community, if you're in the NLU family, I'm going to bad for you, the team I say that on every team call. I care very much about the community and I want to keep everybody safe. That is one of the goals I have in life. Tomorrow for episode number 1,430, three questions to ask yourself to get more clarity. One of the things we learned when we went to the speaking engagement that we were key noting at is clarity is a superpower and it's something that not a lot of people have. I wonder if people really know how to find it. We are going to jam on that tomorrow for episode number 1,430. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you, and at NLU we do not have fans, we have family.

Speaker 2:

We'll talk to you all tomorrow. Sail away from toxic. Say something nation.

People on this episode

Head Shot

Alan Lazaros

Host
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Kevin Palmieri

Host