Next Level University
Confidence, mindset, relationships, limiting beliefs, family, goals, consistency, self-worth, and success are at the core of hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros' heart-driven, no-nonsense approach to holistic self-improvement. This transformative, 7 day per week podcast is focused on helping dream chasers who have been struggling to achieve their goals and are seeking community, consistency and answers. If you've ever asked yourself "How do I get to the next level in my life", we're here for you!
Our goal at NLU is to help you uncover the habits to build unshakable confidence, cultivate a powerful mindset, nurture meaningful relationships, overcome limiting beliefs, create an amazing family life, set and achieve transformative goals, embrace consistency, recognize your self-worth, and ultimately create the fulfillment and success you desire. Let's level up your health, wealth and love!
Next Level University
#1447 - One Trait That Sabotages Relationships
Who takes on more ownership in your relationship, especially when things are not going right? Often, there's an imbalance - one person taking more responsibility than the other. This can be damaging. In this episode, hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros talk about uncovering the power of ownership in relationships. It's uncomfortable and challenging, but it's also empowering. It's a path to personal growth, trust, and credibility and opens up opportunities we might not have thought possible. They discuss how taking responsibility for our actions affects not only our personal growth but also our relationships with others.
Links mentioned:
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Show notes:
[3:56] The importance of taking ownership
[5:25] Toxic masculinity
[13:01] The first step to transformation
[16:00] Tim credits Alan's guidance and the Next Level Business Solutions for the transformative impact on his business
[17:49] Admittance of guilt
[22:12] Taking back control of your life
[29:19] Outro
Next level nation. Welcome back to another episode of next level university, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. We hope you enjoyed our latest episode, episode number 146. How to actually ask for help today? For episode number 147, one trait that sabotages relationships I have mentioned suits, the television show, many times over the last few months.
Speaker 1:Taren got me into it. It was one of those shows and you probably won't resonate with this at all, because I don't know if Emilia even watches television shows. But Taren will be watching something and she'll be like hey, do you want to watch this with me? And I'll look at it like no, no, I'm good, I'm good, this isn't my type of show. And then I'll walk in the bedroom at one night and she'll be watching it. I'll be like who's that character? What's going on in this scene? Like what's what's happening? Why are they fighting? And she'll say you really should have started watching this with me. It's like now it's too late. And then two weeks later She'll restart the whole thing so I can watch it with her. She's sweet like that. So we're watching suits.
Speaker 1:Suits is about a New York law firm and a lot of New York lawyers, high-powered New York lawyers. I actually think you'd enjoy the show very much. The main character, harvey Spector, is his name good-looking dude, very confident. He's got a lot of well. Yeah, he's got a lot of personality and the women like him, but he never could seem down to I can never seem to hold down a successful relationship. In the beginning of the Show. We're in trouble just for. Let me, just, let me just do this. I'm traveling to bell to Belgium next week, so Ellen and I get to record 14 episodes this week. We don't have to. We're blessed to be able to do this, but we are definitely Overwhelmed by the amount of episodes we are going to record in the next few days. So that's why we're so giggly, because we're Delaying the inevitable maybe we do an episode at some point.
Speaker 2:Kev on aligned overwhelm.
Speaker 1:Oh, I like that because we're overwhelmed, but it's also what we want. Most likely We'll forget about that. It just will say we're gonna do it. I mean most likely never will no, no, no, it'll come up.
Speaker 2:Okay, I dig it. Aligned, overwhelm aligned overwhelm.
Speaker 1:I like that. I like that very much. I think that's a great idea and I do believe that is something that we do often. That is very beneficial to our quote-unquote success, health, wealth and love. So hot respecter, main character doesn't seem to be able to hold down a good relationship. Is it any coincidence no smiles. Is it any coincidence, alan, that he is a lawyer who quite literally argues for a living? His partner would come to him and say something and he would say, yeah, but yeah, but yeah, but One thing he never seems to do and he's doing better now, later in the seasons but he never took ownership for anything. He would just put it off or say, but but you've coached many different relationships at this point. This is definitely a pattern that I recognized when I was younger. How important is ownership in a relationship? It's.
Speaker 2:The. The short answer is it's everything. As I unpack that it's. It's not everything trust, communication. It's a big, big pillar, though there's certain pillars in everything that hold the whole. Building up ownership is one of the pillars in a relationship, and we were talking about a story in our early business relationship where I didn't take ownership and you and I almost got in a physical altercation.
Speaker 1:You care to share that in full detail.
Speaker 2:No, I'm gonna, I'm gonna okay.
Speaker 1:I thought you're alluding to it, so you could then share it.
Speaker 2:Kevin and I interviewed some individuals and when you're on an interview, you're trying to build rapport and you tend to mirror and match the guest and that's just a thing.
Speaker 2:And so if you've ever watched someone that you really really resonate with, interview someone who you really really don't, all of a sudden they become very different and they, they're mirroring, matching, so it ends up being some amalgamation of that person. So, anyways, I swore a lot. It was it was a podcast that had a lot of hardcore mentalities and it was a little bit of what I would now describe even though back then we didn't describe it this way a little bit of toxic masculinity. And so I swore more than I usually do and I was vibing and I was in flow and we were in a gym and I definitely Egoed up a bit, kev Sheld up a bit and felt a little suppressed and at the end of the interview he's like dude, you swore a lot. I don't think that was really us. That didn't feel like really you, you definitely, and I was like nah, man, nope and.
Speaker 2:That was one of the toughest moments in our business relationship because we just strongly disagreed with each other and I was in hindsight it's very, very clear that he was insecure and I was Not taking ownership for the fact that I was vibing in a way that wasn't Nearly as aligned with our message. And now here we are, 1447 episodes in, and now we understand who we are and, more importantly, we understand who we're not. So part of this is just the Growth journey. You interview hundreds of people. Some of them are not gonna resonate in hindsight and you might not like who you are around certain people. So at the end of the day, I didn't take ownership and and Kev was trying to get me to take ownership. Because what does it mean if I don't take ownership and that's really the this conversation If I don't take ownership and I say nope, that means that's gonna keep happening in Kevin's mind. That means okay, if Alan doesn't think anything was wrong with that, what does that mean about our future? That means we're gonna keep doing episodes that aren't aligned for me. I'm gonna keep feeling insecure and suppressed and we're gonna have end up with a show that I don't believe in. And if I end up with a show that I don't believe in. We can't do this, and so Ownership in a relationship is one of the pillars I do.
Speaker 2:I coach a lot of relationships and a Lot of times there's one partner who's taking more ownership than the other partner. Usually there's one partner who takes over ownership. They take ownership for the entire success of the entire relationship and and usually the other person is taking less ownership, and so the person who takes more ownership than they should tends to point inward at themselves Whenever something goes wrong. No, that's my bad, you know, I didn't text you, I didn't call you, I didn't prepare, I didn't put it on the calendar or whatever it is, and then someone else tends to be pointing outward. And what needs to happen is, with these couples, is you need to try to the person who's used to pointing outward, like what was the guy's name? Steve Harvey? No, the guy in the show, harvey Specter.
Speaker 1:Harvey Specter.
Speaker 2:My man, steve Harvey Harvey Specter in the show is a lawyer who's always pointing outward it's. It's always if you're defending a defendant or you're trying to prosecute someone who's being defended, you're always pointing at the Person. You're at the other person. You're always pointing at the other side, trying to prove that you're good or you're right or you're not in the wrong. That's what lawyers do, especially lawyers in a TV show. And so, at the end of the day, every single relationship that I've ever seen has two sides and it's very rarely 50 50 on the ownership front.
Speaker 2:I I actually I'll share this story briefly. There's a client that I have that I coach, who is in what I consider to be was in what I consider to be a very toxic relationship, and whenever I coach people, one of the number one things that I that I do is I assess whether or not they're in a healthy relationship or a toxic relationship. It's never a zero and a one. It's usually zero to ten. How healthy is this relationship versus how toxic is it? And this client of mine I've been working with her for years is absolutely Transforming and crushing it, quite frankly. To the extent that she has gotten away from said toxic person Okay. But in the beginning of this I had a mutual friend with this person and I went to the mutual friend and I said, listen, I got to understand, no matter how thin you slice it, there's always two sides and I just want to understand from your perspective Fully objective here, do not put your friend first. I want to know what percentage is her? What percentage is her? Because it's not 100% the other person. I know that it's not. I know that it's definitely not 50 50, because this other person is very clearly very toxic. But I know it's not 50 50. So what am I missing? A lot of my clients show me the best version of themselves.
Speaker 2:She said, honestly, I'd say 80 20. I said, okay, fair. And I said, okay, what about now? She said, oh, now I know what percentage is her. And I said, okay, what about now? She said, oh, now, probably 95 5. She's really. She's really faced a lot of her stuff. She's faced a lot of her demons. She's transformed a lot. She's way more humble than she used to be XYZ.
Speaker 2:So, at the end of the day, every single relationship I've ever coached or ever seen has One partner who tends to take more ownership, more responsibility for the success of the relationship and one partner who tends to take less. The person who tends to take less needs to Take more, and the person who tends to take more needs to actually give some ownership away. That's the hard part I'm. I'm definitely on that end a lot of times with Emilia. Unfortunately I'm not. But in the past, in hindsight, as a 34 year old man looking back at my early 20s, my late 20s, particularly my late 20s, it's like, oh I really I took full Responsibility for 100% of the success of that relationship, regardless of the other person, and that's just a losing game. That's called being a martyr. But if you take zero ownership, you're also in trouble. The relationship couldn't possibly succeed because you're just not taking responsibility.
Speaker 1:One of the things you left out of the story. Hmm, I gave you a chance. I wanted to see where it went. After this interview, we had a Yoga session scheduled. So Alan and I I believe, both crying got into the car and drove to yoga, sat on opposite sides of the room in total darkness and silence and just laid there with our thoughts. And then we right after that, I think we, I think we went to the gym after that sound bowls.
Speaker 2:No, no, that was a different one, Okay no, it's a different one.
Speaker 1:I remember this yoga room was packed, it's like standing only. Yeah, and I was like I don't have a man. Everybody else has stuff. I'm sweating through my clothes. I just get an argument. I'm almost a physical fist fight with this gentleman over here. It was brutal, it was brutal.
Speaker 2:We made it through. We did make it through always something to learn in those things. But Kev had to take ownership for his side too. He had to take ownership for the fact that maybe he was being insecure I definitely was, and if he owns, listen, I might be insecure, but I still think you were a little arrogant. And then I own. Yeah, I was probably a little arrogant, but I think you were probably insecure too, because if he wasn't insecure, he probably wouldn't have been as concerned. So when, when he's insecure, I'm gonna see more arrogant, and when I'm arrogant, he's gonna see more insecure. So ownership the the last thing I'll say. I wrote this down. If you want to addiction 101 type of thing if you want to overcome an addiction I've dealt with addiction in the past, I've dealt with alcoholism, I've dealt with these things, and then I have a lot of clients who have also overcome a lot of these things the first step is ownership.
Speaker 2:I have a drinking problem. I remember the day when I was like this is a problem. I remember it, and Before that there was no way I could transform. There was no way I could change it, because you're not gonna change something that you don't own and I think, responsibility. You know that quote from spider-man With great power comes great responsibility. You ever heard that before?
Speaker 1:yeah, I don't know if that was from spider-man.
Speaker 2:No, no, it was said in spider-man, but okay, okay, it was made more famous from having I?
Speaker 1:I haven't seen spider-man in a minute, so I probably wouldn't know.
Speaker 2:Jim quick talks about this in his book limitless, which we're reading in book club, and he talks about how he actually met the person something Stanley who wrote the comic book.
Speaker 1:I know I'm not great with names. No, no, no, his name is actually Stanley Stanley.
Speaker 2:Oh, stanley, okay, Gotcha, my man Stanley, this is funny.
Speaker 1:He has since passed away. All right, all right, peter Stanley, really.
Speaker 2:Yes, okay, he wrote these comic books.
Speaker 1:He was the. What is that? Marvel, yeah, Marvel, yeah. I think he was like one of the one of the big initial writers for Marvel, I think.
Speaker 2:Okay, so, he wrote the quote with great power comes great responsibility. And Jim Quick, the author of Limitless, met Stanley and said but it also goes the other way with great responsibility comes great power. And I was reading about that earlier in the book Limitless and I believe that is so true. When you take responsibility for your own success, when you take responsibility for your own relationship, when you take ownership for where you've ended up, I'm talking full ownership, I'm talking I know I had a challenging upbringing. I know I had X, y, z, I know I had ADHD. I know I had and again I'm hypothetical here I didn't have ADHD.
Speaker 2:But if you take ownership for where you've ended up now, you also have all the power to transform that, whereas if it was everyone else's fault we've all met those people where everything is always everyone else's fault you lose all your power. Yeah, it feels better to not have to face all of the facts, all the poor choices, all the addictions, all the whatever. But just like, with great power comes great responsibility, I think with great responsibility comes great power. Kevin and I took responsibility, not just for our success, but for the listeners success and for our clients success and for our teams success. And it's way harder than just taking a little bit of responsibility for our own success. But it also creates so much power, it creates so much necessity, it creates so much learning and so much growth and so much opportunity.
Speaker 1:I believe it is another one of those things kind of like vulnerability, where it seems weak to take ownership, but in reality it's something that a lot of people will respect, especially your partner. If you have a positive partner who really is focused on growth and genuinely wants to stay with you and have a successful relationship, I'm willing to bet they're probably going to be grateful. One of the reasons I'm so certain in my relationship is because we're both. When we have disagreements, we're both very quick to take ownership, and the second that happens it's almost like I'll take ownership and I might take too much. And then Taren comes in and says well, you don't have to take all the ownership. It's almost that it's like how do we make sure we're landing where we actually should? That's one of the reasons I'm so certain in my relationship and I haven't been in my past Because in my past I wasn't ready to take that level of ownership and the people I was with weren't either. I mean, I was younger, I didn't really know and I was afraid. I was afraid that if I say, yeah, you know what, I'm sorry, you're right, I did kind of have a temper there, that would be admittance of guilt or something and it would. It would show that I was broken or whatever it may be. Now it's, I understand.
Speaker 1:We went to Pittsburgh for a speech and I forgot to bring our lapel mics and on the way back I was like, yeah, that's on me, man, it's on me. Was everything ideal in the setup? No Were. Was the schedule ideal? No, were there things I could point to externally? Sure, those are all circumstantial. If I had the lapels, we would have had the lapels. We didn't. I forgot them. But I know Alan knows it's not like Alan is thinking to himself where the hell did the lapels go? Did I forget them? They must be. Probably at my house, maybe it's not.
Speaker 1:It's not like you don't know that Oftentimes, when you're taking ownership, you're just you're just admitting what's real that a lot of other people already know. So if anything, it builds credibility for you. Everybody else already knows. So that's another way to look at it too. I think it's empowering because you're getting closer to the truth. And if again going back to the episode about asking for help, if you're getting closer to the truth of the right people, that's a positive thing. I won't say it's the, it's the right thing for everybody, but there are definitely people you should take extreme ownership with, and I don't know, maybe there aren't people you want to take extreme, you know, extreme ownership with, but I would say your intimate partner is definitely one.
Speaker 2:I would make a claim that the extent of the success that you have in any area health, wealth or love is directly connected to the amount of responsibility that you take. And I've I told a client this. I said listen, you have told me that you're not willing to get a divorce, and if that's the case, then that means that you are choosing to be in this relationship and now it's your responsibility to try and do everything you can to make that that relationship succeed, whereas if you choose to leave, now it's no longer your responsibility. But if you're choosing not to leave, then that's your choice. Last thing I'll share here in book club we were talking about this idea in limitless. That has to do with ownership. It has to do with when you take responsibility for something you are to my point earlier you are empowering yourself to take back control of that which you're taking responsibility for.
Speaker 2:So, a simple example of this would be, if someone is and I actually had this happen there was someone at the dinner table who said yeah, the reason I've never been able to lose weight is because ever since I quit smoking, I've just never been able to lose the weight. And I said no, in my honest opinion, because I want to help you, the reason you've never been able to lose weight is because you've never consistently exercised in your life. Now, that is not easy to hear. That is what we would call an unpleasant truth. But I said if, until you exercise consistently I was a fitness model, fitness competitor, fitness coach. I'm not just saying this, this isn't just my opinion, this is backed by decades of research You're not going to consistently lose weight unless you eat healthier and exercise consistently. I'm saying that because I want to help you. But that's an unpleasant truth versus a comfortable lie. The comfortable lie is it's McDonald's fault, or it's because I quit smoking, or it's because I had kids. And again, I understand. I do. I understand that those are factors. I understand. There's a McDonald's on any corner, every corner, trust me, I know every time I drive by one, I want a McFlurry. I know it's a factor, but it's not the determining factor. The determining factor is the truth, and sometimes the truth is on Pleasant, and if you don't take ownership of the unpleasant truth, you also don't get the power of the control back in your life. And at NLU we want you to have control of your own future, and the only way to do that is to take more ownership. And so If you're taking too much ownership for everyone else's stuff, that's another conversation.
Speaker 2:I think most of us are not taking enough ownership. For me I'm. There's a lot of areas where I'm not taking ownership Genuinely. I'm not taking ownership for doing mobility consistently. So I hurt my back. Of course I did. Of course I did. I sit for long periods of time, all day coaching and podcasting and speaking virtually, and you know I don't do enough mobility, and that's me taking ownership. And I haven't gone to the chiropractor, that's me taking ownership. And I haven't been foam rolling enough, that's taking ownership. And I haven't been hydrating well enough, that's taking ownership. So ownership is power.
Speaker 1:It's just it, just kind of sucks and I think a good next-level nugget for me would be excuse me, much like you just said, all of those things. They're not coming up in your relationship necessarily, but you have to at least admit it to yourself and try to take ownership With yourself first before you can do it with someone else. If, if you have an argument with your partner and you get to the point where you're reflecting, you say I really shouldn't have said that, that's where it starts. It starts with you having that moment of mmm yeah, that was wrong, I could have done better, I could have communicated better. Then you figure out Okay, what's the next step in building the courage to bring that to your partner? Hey, can I have a vulnerable share about what happened earlier? That, and boom. Then you can be vulnerable and share, but it it's every. It's all connected.
Speaker 1:We've talked so many times about different relationship tactics and habits and check-ins and how to have uncomfortable conversations. It's all connected. It all starts with the self-awareness to say, mm, I was wrong in that moment. Then the Self-awareness to figure out what actually happened and what, what you could have done better than the courage to Decide how to bring the conversation up. Then the vulnerability to actually bring the conversation up, and then the Emotional maturity to work through the conversation, even if it's challenging, and that's that's why one of the reasons relationships are so hard. Look at all the skills that goes into it. That's just one day, one conversation. That's a lot, that's a lot. So, yeah, relationships.
Speaker 2:I think are heart the hardest, I think fitness and wealth. So health and wealth, I do believe, are easier than relationships. But that's my, my perspective. That's also because I'm probably out of those three things health, wealth and love. I think my weakest is probably love.
Speaker 1:Well, fitness, you can go to the gym by yourself and start a business by yourself. Relationship takes two people, at least two people, and it starts with a relationship you have with yourself. So it's actually three people, three relationships, your relationship, their relationship, four I guess.
Speaker 2:Their relationship with you, your relationship with them. It's 12, I guess. But it's very deep, it's very deep and way harder than I thought when we were kids, man, didn't you think it was all?
Speaker 1:oh, okay, you know, get married, it's all going to be good, I'm sure I did, yeah, but I also thought I was going to be a billionaire or a gazillionaire too.
Speaker 2:I thought that was just going to happen.
Speaker 1:I was hoping it would just kind of happen. Yeah, win a bagel or whatever, but it hasn't yet. Next level nation. If you want to be a gazillionaire, Alan's doing free coaching calls and he can teach you how to be a gazillionaire in, I believe, six hours is all it takes. No, if you've listened to this podcast and maybe you feel like you're ready to find a partner and you want to talk about how to do that, or maybe you feel like you're not ready and you don't know where to start. Maybe you want to start tracking finances but you don't know how. You want to start your own business but you don't know how.
Speaker 1:Whatever it may be, Alan is doing free 30 minute calls. We'll have his link in the show notes. You can. It's not a sales call. It's a call where Alan is going to add value to you and help you, and I'm sure he can help you. A ton and a half hour. And, if you are afraid, reference back to episode number 1446, how to actually ask for help. A great opportunity to ask for help. So link will be in the show notes.
Speaker 2:At the end of the day, the success that you have in any endeavor is going to come down to how much you believe in yourself and the choices you make along the way. And the choices you make along the way are based on your awareness. Kevin and I started this podcast six years ago. We had no idea what the hell we were doing.
Speaker 1:Still don't.
Speaker 2:And still are learning a lot. But Kev has a podcast called podcast growth university. That was literally built to help podcasters like us in the beginning who had no idea what we were doing, and so I how many episodes in, I believe 60, 61, 62 62 episodes, where every single episode is essentially Kevin trying to talk to his younger self saying this is what I would have done differently.
Speaker 2:This is what I've learned from my clients. We have 47 podcasts that we produce, including including my other podcast called the conscious couples podcast, and we've learned a ton. He's got a lot of data from a lot of people. He's helped a lot of people in podcasting. He is the podcast guy and we have thousands of episodes under our belt. Now I think it's actually almost 3500 episodes produced, including our podcast and all of our clients. So it's absolutely wild and that's a lot of data.
Speaker 2:So if you want to, you're not going to skip steps. But if you want to accelerate the growth of your podcast, you want to start, you want to monetize, you want to grow it, you want to build a real business underneath it. Podcast growth university is free and it is alarmingly valuable. If Kevin is as good on this podcast as he has on that one, or as good on that one as he is on this one, he knows I'm not even kidding. If someone came to me and said, hey, I want to, I want to start a podcast, kevin's the first person I would bring you to.
Speaker 2:And regardless of whether or not he was my business partner, seriously so check that out.
Speaker 1:Well, if you ever plan on leaving the business, you're not taking the podcast with you. You, son of a B, I'm not going anywhere, brother, I will fight you for it. Well, me, you got a little pipsqueak arm over there for those who can't view because you're listening.
Speaker 1:You didn't miss much, I promise. Tomorrow for episode number 1448. If you're waiting for motivation and inspiration, listen to this. It's actually based on an episode that I did for podcast growth you. It's not. This episode will not be about podcasting, but I did one in regards to podcasting for podcast growth you, so make sure you tune in tomorrow. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you, and at NLU we run a fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow.
Speaker 2:Keep taking ownership, next time on nation.
