Next Level University
Confidence, mindset, relationships, limiting beliefs, family, goals, consistency, self-worth, and success are at the core of hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros' heart-driven, no-nonsense approach to holistic self-improvement. This transformative, 7 day per week podcast is focused on helping dream chasers who have been struggling to achieve their goals and are seeking community, consistency and answers. If you've ever asked yourself "How do I get to the next level in my life", we're here for you!
Our goal at NLU is to help you uncover the habits to build unshakable confidence, cultivate a powerful mindset, nurture meaningful relationships, overcome limiting beliefs, create an amazing family life, set and achieve transformative goals, embrace consistency, recognize your self-worth, and ultimately create the fulfillment and success you desire. Let's level up your health, wealth and love!
Next Level University
#1456 - You’re Not A Mindreader… And That’s Okay
Have you ever felt like everyone is constantly judging you, only to realize it's your own insecurities playing tricks with your mind? Mind reading is predicting what others are thinking based on their actions or words. However, this is often flawed, as our assumptions are primarily based on our insecurities and fears. In this episode, hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros discuss mind reading and misinterpretations. They discuss challenging our thought patterns, reframing our fears, and learning to see the world in a different light. They stress the importance of focusing on understanding, openness, and clear communication.
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Show notes:
[1:22] Examples of mindreading
[12:59] Nathan expresses his appreciation for the invaluable coaching services he received from Alan
[13:31] It is state-dependent
[16:46] Everyone is mind-reading
[20:08] Be more yourself
[26:16] Outro
Next level nation. Welcome back to another episode of next level university, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. We hope you enjoyed our latest episode, episode number 1455. Another way to create more accountability. Today for episode number 1456, happy Monday. You're not a mind reader and that's okay. I Told this story a while ago, alan. But After the gyms opened, after post COVID, I remember going to a new gym and I went at the same time every day and you start to get to know the morning crew, you know the afternoon crew, you know the late-night crew. If you go at a specific time for long enough and I would go in the morning and there would be this guy who would always kind of mean mug me and when I say mean mug, I just mean he was giving me dirty looks, didn't?
Speaker 2:look like you, like me.
Speaker 1:He was mean mug. Yeah, he didn't look like he likes me very much. And the first time that happens is just like okay, whatever, sometimes you don't even notice it, it's just like, okay, yep, cool. But when it starts to happen for the third time, the fourth time, and you're seeing this person Three or four times a week, when you get to the second or third week, you're starting to think to yourself I don't, what's going on here. I don't know, does this person not? Do I know this person? Did I do something to offend this person? What's going on here?
Speaker 1:And I worked up this thought process that this person doesn't like me and most likely eventually there's gonna be some sort of brawl in the gym. That's the only thing that could possibly happen from this. That's why this is all happening and I'll prepare myself mentally and let me figure out. You know, let me just make sure I got my back covered, okay, cool. So eventually I Am working out and this guy comes up to me and I was like alright, here we go, something's about to pop off. I don't know what's happening, we're gonna learn something today. And he said hey, man, I just want to let you know. I've been watching you work out and you're very inspirational and you're in really good shape, man, it's awesome. And I was like, huh, I Was wrong about all. That wasn't I? I was wrong about everything. I had thought about you, sir, and him and I ended up becoming I Would say, jim friends. I don't know this person's name I go to a different gym now, I don't have his number but we were Jim buddies. We'd give each other the head, nod. I don't think we ever did knuckles or anything, but we became very, very good Jim buddies is what I would say.
Speaker 1:I had another very similar situation when there's this young lady at my gym and I saw her one time, what seemed like having negative interaction with some of the gym staff and immediately that started the story of this person in my brain. I'm like, hmm, interesting, I don't know, she might be a little mean. Maybe the person went up and said, hey, you gotta clean your equipment after and she got a little sassy and said nobody cleans their equipment. That's probably what happened and that's all in my head. None of this is real. I don't know what's going on. I can't hear what they're talking about. So we've had a couple of times where our paths have crossed and I've gotten a lot of dirty looks from her and I'm nice, I'm a very open, I'm a bright light in the gym.
Speaker 1:Well, I don't know, did she not like me? Did I say something wrong? I've never said anything to you, so that couldn't possibly be it. Is it because I have tattoos and I look like? Maybe I look like a goon? I have a sleeve and I'm working out in a stringer? I got my hood down? Could that be it? I don't know. So in my mind, I've concocted this story that this person also hates me. Most likely. I'm leaving the gym the other day. She pulls in and parks next to me and she's getting out of her car, walking by and I said, hey, have a good one. And I initially said hey, no, no. What did I say? I looked at her and made eye contact and smiled and I get nothing and I was like, oh, okay, so this is real, this is a fact. This person hates.
Speaker 2:And then I said middle school just like middle school over again.
Speaker 1:And then I said I think I either said have a good workout or have a great day. And she smiled and said you too. And I was like, oh, I was wrong again about everything. Hmm, where is this coming from? So those are two examples of mind reading. Let me give you two quick examples. On the other side the other day Ellen heard about this I got an email from a client that was something along the lines of hey, I'm a little confused as to what's going on here. We're waiting on something. We haven't seen it yet. Can we hop on a quick call to catch base or touch up? Can we? What's the word? I'm trying to catch base, touch up catch up touch base.
Speaker 2:It is still Sunday, that was fun.
Speaker 1:It is still Sunday morning, so immediately in my mind, this client is going to leave us and on the phone I'm going to get just ripped apart and they're going to be extremely unkind and this is going to be brutal To the point where, when this person booked on my calendar, I was like no, how can I get out of this? There has to be a way I can get out of this real quick, yeah, real fast.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't know if you've ever seen so a lot of our listeners will have seen Guardians of the Galaxy. There's this one scene where I think this is actually an Avengers movie, but she says take ass and kick names. Okay, yeah, that was what.
Speaker 1:I just did All I could think of when you did that yeah, take ass, kick names. I couldn't. I couldn't connect it. It wasn't flowing like I wanted it to we have fun to tell you we do, we do.
Speaker 1:Those are also sayings. I probably don't use a ton, so I got to brush up on the way they come out of my mouth. So I log on to this meeting Heavier energy, probably a little trying to protect myself. I got my shield up a little bit. Get ready for whatever is going to come.
Speaker 1:And the guy says Kev, what's up, man, long time no see how you doing, brother. And I was like, huh, what Did I misread the room? What's going on here? What's what's happening? And it ended up being a wonderful conversation. One of the first things he said was I realized something that we did actually screw you guys up, so I just wanted to catch up and figure out how we can make that not happen in the future. All right, cool, amazing conversation. He tells me where to go when I go into Europe and he's telling me all this stuff and it was just awesome. It was a great conversation.
Speaker 1:That has happened once before with another client who sent me a very short to the point email where I literally texted Alan and the team and I was like, hey, we're about to lose a client. Something's happening here, we are in trouble. Jump on the call with him and I was ready, I was ready to defend and I was ready to apologize and I was ready to make things right. And he said, hey, kev, what's up, buddy, how you doing? And same thing. I was like, hmm, what's going on here?
Speaker 2:What was your answer? I?
Speaker 1:literally said I'm doing well, but I wanted to apologize for what we're talking about today. That's, that was my thing. And he said oh, dude, my bad man. I tend to be very forward in emails. Sometimes it comes off as kind of negative. I'm just, I just send the email and go to the next thing and I was like oh okay, great conversation, we've had a really really we had a really really good conversation. All those things are me mind reading, thinking that I know what the other person thinks, and usually, unfortunately, me thinking I know what they're thinking is the negative thing that I'm afraid they're thinking that is a Textbook case of mind reading. Another thing if you send a text message to someone and they don't get back to it right away and you start thinking, hmm, did I offend that person? Did I say the wrong thing? Do they hate me? That that's all mind reading it's a sight.
Speaker 1:Eventually you get a text that says hey, I'm so sorry, right busy, you know, yeah, okay, oh, yeah, cool, look it up. This is a psychological thing. If you look up Mind reading psychology, there'll be a lot more science than I'm providing on this episode, but I definitely deal with that. I think most people deal with that and the thought I have is in those four scenarios I was 0 for 4. I was wrong about all those. I was completely off. So I'm batting zero.
Speaker 1:My challenge to everybody Watching and listening would be if you could replay these experiences in your mind. How often are you correct? Is it every other time you're spot on? Is it one out of ten? That's just a suggestion of how to how to try to think, moving forward. If you find yourself always mind reading and being wrong more often than not, that's a scarcity thing.
Speaker 1:Last thing, we had a situation With nlps. We needed something done quickly. There was a lot going on, a lot of necessity. So I messaged someone on the team, sent them an audio and I said, hey, I can really use a favor. We need a quick turnaround on something. Is that something aligned for you? Would you be able to do it?
Speaker 1:And this person read my message immediately and didn't respond for like an hour and I mind read, but my mind reading was it's not aligned, it's probably a no. This person's just afraid to say no because they're afraid. In their past, when they've said no, it might not have had such positive results. Let me move on to the next thing. Close that loop. That's closed. Not worried about it, that person messaged me an hour later and said hey, I really want to say yes, but I feel like I should say no. I can do it if I absolutely, if it's absolutely necessary. I said you're good, I'm already passed it, it's done, I've already fixed the problem, you're good. So that mind reader, kevin, was spot-on, but that's only because I've been wrong almost every other time, forever.
Speaker 2:What do you think is your shot percentage?
Speaker 1:It's pretty low because I bet you, you're on no, it's pretty low. No, it's pretty low.
Speaker 2:I'd say low, you always go to the negative one. You think that's a protector like.
Speaker 1:I think it's a. I Think I've been burned so many times on the other side we. I remember I was supposed to hang out with someone in high school. This I was supposed to, or maybe after high school, in high school, I don't know but I got ghosted. And then I got like the excuse for being ghosted was something stupid that I believed. So it was almost like that does make sense that your cat Ran away from your dog and then your dog ate your phone and then dropped it into the pool.
Speaker 1:And then when you went to get the phone out of the pool, you fell into and then and then you pulled your Wi-Fi in with you, and that's why you could never see the reality of you.
Speaker 2:Just really don't want to go.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you just don't want to hang out with me. So I think for a long time, I Think for a long time my mind reader was actually Right. But I didn't want it to be right because it was negative. I didn't want to be able to predict that somebody actually didn't want to see me and was potentially leading me on.
Speaker 2:It didn't make sense. What are you at now with that?
Speaker 1:I'm married, so it's good. No, no, I don't mean that.
Speaker 2:I don't mean that. I mean what's the difference now with your mind reading.
Speaker 1:I have way more. There's way more inputs, so I've had the opportunity to do it a lot more. As you start to understand. I would say this when you talk to a bunch of people and you figure out what their pattern of mind reading is, you start to understand that everybody is kind of mind reading in their own way. So I don't know if anything is really as accurate as we think it is. Just as an example. Okay, this is the thought. What is what? Did that guy in the gym think about me before he said something to me? Did he think, wow, I'm super inspired by him right off the bat? Did he think this guy I don't know about this guy and then he just had to work up the courage for long enough to come and see me? I have no idea. Maybe he was thinking what I was thinking. The same way I was thinking when he was thinking we were both wrong until one of us Was courageous enough to be right.
Speaker 2:Well, I think one of the things that's very clear is it's state dependent. If someone's in a really negative state, they might react very differently. So, okay, let's say that person sent that email and they were in a really negative state. It sounded cold, it sounded harsh. That's why I love emojis. You can throw a little smiley in there and it's like no, it's kind of like a hey, this is very direct, but I'm good, we're good, you and me are good. I'm gonna throw a little hearts in there.
Speaker 2:You know emojis are good and a lot of the older generation doesn't use emojis as much because it makes sense. But he might have been, or she might have been, in a very negative state when she sent that email and then in a great state when he or she jumped on the call.
Speaker 1:Well, it seems like it was a pattern for them based on the way that he answered the question when I said. When I said that, when I said sorry, it was almost like oh yeah, no, I've done it again. I was very serious in the email, but it's not as serious as I made it sound. It's almost like that's in in his Life, in his universe. He might be the person who is creating unintentionally scarce mind readers. That because he's so direct. So maybe for him it's almost like.
Speaker 1:So there's two thoughts on this. To the level of your control, what kind of mind reading are you putting out? That would be one thought. So if you text me and I don't answer you, versus saying hey, I'm super busy today, I'll get back to you when I can. Those, those are two thoughts. Right, I know my mom got offended one time because I Not one time, many times because she would text me and I wouldn't get back to her for like four days and she's like I don't even bother texting anymore because you never get back to me. And I said it's just. I said yeah.
Speaker 2:I could do better. That was it. It was just like I know I suck.
Speaker 1:I suck when it comes to getting back to messages and I know how that must make you feel. You probably think I don't care, and that's not. That's not the fact. Yeah it's just I'm so used to getting bombarded with messages that sometimes I leave them on Unread until I can get back to them. That's a mind-reading thing for her, versus just texting her and saying got this will respond later. Just two different things.
Speaker 2:The other piece of that, too, that I think is value is excuse me, your mom doesn't fully Understand, and it's important for you to understand that she doesn't understand what it's like to get as many messages as you do. Yeah, that's because back in the day when you used to not get very many messages, you also used to get.
Speaker 2:I remember we had someone who we were working with who was extremely, extremely sought after in fitness and Instagram hundreds of thousands of followers and Her dms were always nine and nine plus and Kev used to be like, oh, she never gets back to us, she doesn't care. And I never felt that way because I understand she's just got so many. And now that you have, you're as sought after maybe not as, but you know what I'm saying? Definitely not. It's more understandable. But if, if someone has never had 50 messages per day and, by the way, the moment you message, send, all of a sudden, you have they come back quick which is good, it's great to be valued, but then they're not gonna understand.
Speaker 2:So I, the thing that I want to bring to the table here is Everyone's judging you and everyone's judging you less than you think, everyone's mind reading, and it's not always as negative as you might think, and I think that a lot of people are much more concerned with their own insecurities, their own challenges. Understandable. And I had a client who I I Asked his intention. At the beginning of every call, I always say what's your intention for today? Before I steamroll the call, because I have mine always and he said well, one thing came up for me and I said what he said. I was in the gym the other day and I was just thinking about how. I read somewhere that we project onto other people and he says I think I'm judgmental and I think that I think other people are judging me because I'm judging them and I want to work on that. Cool, this is a very young man, so it's like wow, the fact that you're even willing to own the fact that you've been judgmental probably means you're not that judgmental but fair. So and I kind of said this, I said that thing of you know, when you're in your teens Everything is fitting in and you think everyone's judging you. And then you get into your 20s and you still want to fit in, kind of. But you're wondering, you're finding your people and you you still think people are judging you, but you realize they're not judging you as much as you thought in high school and you realize that high school didn't matter that much. Then you get into your 30s and 40s and 50s and you realize that you don't really care what people think that much. You start to care a little bit less what people think. You still care, but not as much as you used to. And then there's that thing where you're in your 60s and 70s and you realize no one was thinking about you the whole time. They were concerned about themselves and their own insecurities, and that's. I think there's some truth to that. And I do think there's some truth to the alternative, which is People are judging you. People are judging a book by its cover. People are thinking about you, people are mind reading. That is happening.
Speaker 2:I'm sure that girl had an opinion of you and I'm sure that guy had an opinion of you and I'm sure both of them were Doing their own version of what. Does he like me, does he not? That's just a survival mechanism. That's a very human thing. That's what we do. When you text someone and they don't get back to you, your mind starts to wonder Okay, are they upset with me? Is that too unreasonable of an ask? You know, was that appropriate? Is that a lot? Are they busy? Are they okay? That's that's supposed to happen.
Speaker 2:But what I told this young man was People are judging you a lot less than you think because they're more focused on their own insecurities, their own challenges, their own problems, their own life, their own goals, their own aspirations. Because he struggles with social anxiety and I said it helps me a lot with social anxiety to realize that Most people are more concerned about their own stuff. People aren't wait laying awake at night wondering. I really didn't like what Alan said on episode 47. You know they have other things that are more important and it's kind of one of those get over yourself things a little bit.
Speaker 2:Where the world's a big place, there's a lot going on and I doubt that Me saying something stupid on episode 47 is at the top of mind for most people. But there's also truth to. People care about you and they then there's implications to what you say and do, so Hopefully that helps everybody be more themselves, because if you're gonna be judged, if you're gonna have people mind reading, at least you can be judged for who you really are. And the last piece is vulnerability, which is I Think it requires a lot of vulnerability to show up without protectors.
Speaker 2:You show up on that call, kev. You show up on the on the call and you're a little bit concerned that you're about to get kind of hey, what the f gonna get in trouble, quote-unquote. But you showed up anyway and you were pleasantly surprised and I think that that that's gonna happen when you have the courage to have the conversation. I think unpleasant conversations sometimes end up better than you think a lot of times actually.
Speaker 1:Yeah that would be the next level nugget for me is go through the role of decks and say, well it, does it go better than I think?
Speaker 1:Does it go worse than I think? Is that more just an expectation thing From my perspective? So think of it this way you don't get offended when somebody doesn't text you back, which also means you, you potentially might be offending people when you don't text them back. Same same on right, like same on my end. I used to get right back to people because I knew if I didn't, that would create mind readers for me. Now I'm not as much because I don't. I have a message. I messaged Anthony trucks to check in, just see how he was, and he didn't get back to me for like a week and he's like dude, sorry about this. That was three weeks ago. I still haven't got back to him. I suck. Yeah, I get sent a message to Anthony trucks, but I also know that he's not thinking. I wonder if kev I've offended kev. No, he's doing other stuff he's, he doesn't even remember I messaged him at this point. He's out doing when Anthony trucks does.
Speaker 1:So that would be my next level nugget is the things that you mind read. You probably. You probably also try to avoid other people mind reading if possible. If somebody, if you would get right back to somebody or, sorry, if you would prefer if somebody got right back to you and they Messaged you, I'm guessing You're probably that person who gets back to them to save them from mind reading. That would be my next love of nugget. And then also go through the roll adex and and make a tally yeah, no, when I did this, I was incorrect, when I did this I was incorrect, or when I did this I was correct. That way, at least you can give yourself credit and or take more chances based on the fact that it's probably not gonna go as bad as you think.
Speaker 2:My next level nugget would be very simple of. I do believe that contemplating these things is important and I think that as you get older and as you get wiser, you will become more accurate and you know, if you figure out that most of the time you think people in the gym. So, for example, the young lady at the gym, kev Emilia's, told me this, and other females that I coach they Purposely close their energy so that they don't get interrupted during their workout, especially beautiful women make sense.
Speaker 2:And so that might have nothing to do with you. It's not that she doesn't like you, she just closing her energy so she doesn't get interrupted. I mean, that's why we have our hoodie up and our air pods in. I don't even take my air pods out, even when they're not on, because I just don't want to talk to anyone at the gym, and If someone takes offense to that and thinks I'm mean, that's their mind reading. It's not true. I don't not care, I just. I just don't want to be interrupted. That's the conclusion. I Don't want to be interrupted in the gym, but that's probably not the conclusion they come to. No, no, make sense, right, it makes sense, exactly.
Speaker 1:And unless they're like, unless they do the same thing, it's where I would never get mad. He was like yeah, no, you do.
Speaker 2:You, man, exactly because you also want that same thing. So we are all kind of projecting our own beliefs under other people. But at least if you understand that you will do it better. That's my next level, nugget next level nugget.
Speaker 1:Next level nation. There's a lot of next level in next level you. There's a lot going on here, a lot of next level things getting thrown all over the place. If you have not joined our private Facebook group yet and I'll give you a hint or a time to guess the name next level nation it is a great group with amazing people. You can find people, performance partners, you can be vulnerable, you can ask questions. You can say, hey, what was it like for you when you started to outgrow people or how did you attract more positive people into your life? It's a great. It's a great group, great human beings. So we'll have the link in the show notes. Please join if you haven't yet and you want more amazing people around you.
Speaker 2:We were on book club yesterday reading a book called Limitless by Jim quick and there's a picture of an iceberg and it shows the tip of the iceberg is words and behavior. Underneath the surface of the water is meaning, values and beliefs. And to the mind reading episode we just did, you're seeing people's words and their actions, their behaviors. That's the tip of the iceberg. When you're mind reading, you're presupposing you know everything that's underneath the surface and I think it's important to know that you don't know. That's just one example of the value of book club.
Speaker 2:We went through that yesterday. We got deep into our beliefs and our values and what those beliefs mean. You know, is the song stuck in your head that you're great or is the song stuck in your head that you're not good enough? And we did a poll. It's an interactive, awesome place To where you will consistently read and and it's good accountability and you're gonna learn a ton. So we hope you join us. It's every Saturday 12 30 pm Eastern Standard Time and we are now on our 13th book 13th book and it's always free, no charge, to get in a book club.
Speaker 1:It's free.
Speaker 2:I started charging and say fitting the money out of the business. So how much? How much are you?
Speaker 1:charging per sesh couple hundred, couple hundred dollars per person.
Speaker 2:You're three, yeah, per session, that's reasonable for the value I'd say I think I afford all these laptops. It is free. It is free, we are, we are joking, as many things are.
Speaker 1:So if you haven't joined, it would be a great place for you to also meet people and learn more tomorrow. For episode number 1457 hiding from something doesn't make it go away. We had a lot of breakthroughs in our last meetup. We talked a lot about fear, we talked about rejection, judgment and Just a lot of new awarenesses and a lot of dots connected. So I'm very excited to share that with everyone who didn't make it to the meetup, and we'll do that tomorrow. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you and an L you. We don't have fans, we have family. We'll talk to you all tomorrow.
Speaker 2:Mind read better next up a nation I.
Speaker 1:Was mind reading that you didn't.
