Next Level University

#1462 - How To Improve Your Relationship Flexibility

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

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In this episode, hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros talk about the significance of flexibility and its pivotal role in nurturing relationships and fostering personal development. They describe flexibility as stepping out of our comfort zones and immersing ourselves in activities our partners adore. They also point out that it's not about sacrificing what you love but finding common ground where both partners feel cherished and understood. Flexibility is key in navigating the dynamic terrain of relationships, encouraging a give-and-take dynamic that nurtures mutual understanding and respect.

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Show notes: 
[4:30] Finding balance with the things you both love individually and together
[10:51] Practice makes you more flexible
[12:13] Nathan expresses his appreciation for the invaluable coaching services he received from Alan
[13:45] Be flexible with each other
[16:22] Integration or flexibility vs. compromise
[19:30] Flexibility opens you up to new experiences
[22:55] Outro


Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

Speaker 1:

Next level nation. Welcome back to another episode of next level university, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. We hope you enjoyed our latest episode, episode number 1461. What are your big three Today? For episode number 1462 how to improve your relationship flexibility. The reason I'm smiling, alan, is because I have my beanie on, because it is becoming quickly fall in New England and this is just a vibe I'm in right now.

Speaker 2:

What are your thoughts on that? It's kind of warm out today, brother.

Speaker 1:

Not where I am. You've been outside. No, yeah, no, okay.

Speaker 2:

It looks nice out though. Yeah, well, that's a big sun is out.

Speaker 1:

I'm in a good place, yeah yeah, the Sun is up, so we're gonna talk about relationships today. As you know, life, love, health and wealth. You know this story already if you've listened. I'm in a very good mood. That's why I'm so smiley today, and I think we fixed an audio issue that we're having this all all sorts of great things happening.

Speaker 1:

So I took Taryn to Kenny bunkport, maine, last weekend and it was my job to plan a date. I wanted to plan a date as an early birthday present for her. Her birthday is actually this week. When I was doing it, this was my thought. I am not going to plan a date that I would want to do by myself. I am going to plan a date that I would never do alone, but I would do with Taryn, because I know how much she enjoys Different things than I do. I would never go to Kenny bunkport Maine on my own, or would probably with a group of friends either. That might not be what we're into. Quote-unquote, I never would have gone to a train museum Without Taryn. I just I'm not into trains. I'm not into history as much as she is. I am slowly becoming into history as much as she is.

Speaker 1:

But when I was thinking to myself what would make a really good date, there was a part of me that had resistance towards doing it, because I knew it was way outside of the normal for what I would do. Driving an hour and a half and going on a Trolley tour and going to this train place and going to a place we never been before. That's not my normal. If I was planning a date for me, that's not what I would have done, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't do that for Taryn. So if you're in a relationship and you find that you and your partner value things differently which most partnerships do, I would.

Speaker 1:

I would say, when you want to increase your flexibility, your relationship flexibility, it's probably gonna come from a place of what is the normal, what is something I'm very, very comfortable with. What would I do on my own, okay. What would my partner do on their own, okay. How do I bridge the gap and how do I meet Somewhere in the middle with my partner? One of the things Taryn's done with her family before her mom they go to this lavender farm. Now, I would never go to a lavender farm on my own. Taryn would definitely go to one on her own if I can bridge the gap and say well, she would really enjoy if I brought her there, knowing that I would never go there on my own.

Speaker 1:

That's also a wonderful way to show Thoughtfulness and caring, because your partner knows probably that you wouldn't do this on your own, so I think that also increases the Appreciation that they have for that. So that's what we're talking about today how to improve your relationship of flexibility and when you do you actually so.

Speaker 2:

For example, the things that you learned at that Kenny bunkport. Kenny bunkport has expanded your horizons.

Speaker 1:

I know it's not about trains, son and that's the benefit of being flexible.

Speaker 2:

I think that if you're always doing Things that your partner loves that you don't love at all, you're gonna be unfulfilled. If you're only ever doing things that fulfill you and your partner doesn't get fulfilled by those things, you're gonna have a bad relationship and then you're not gonna be fulfilled. So you got to find five. It's the pendulum again. I'm talking a lot about the pendulum lately. Five is flexible. Five is here's what I love, here's what you love, here's what we both love. And Then how do you bounce between those three? And so Emilia and I, we were in South Carolina once. We went on a trip and she had talked to a colleague at the time this is back when she was working for a company called Alchemy. She's not now Because she's gone all in on her business now, which is awesome. But you, she had been talking to a colleague and said, oh, you're going to South Carolina. And then she told her where we were going in South Carolina. I don't even remember the town, but frankly, and she told her the town and she said, oh, you're going to the Biltmore. And she's like what, what do you mean? No, no, we're not going to the Biltmore. She's like yeah, the Biltmore is right near there.

Speaker 2:

For those of you who don't know, the Biltmore is an estate. It's a really, really, really famous estate in the US that a lot of movies are filmed at, and if you've ever seen Hannibal Lecter, for example, that movie, the really really wealthy character in that movie is, lives in the Biltmore. It's this beautiful estate. There's gardens and it's gorgeous. It's like a hundred acres or something, or a thousand acres, I think it's. I think it might even be 3,000 acres. I think they even own some of the mountains. I don't know the stats, I don't. It's a beautiful place, though.

Speaker 2:

Emilia, ever since she was a kid, actually had on her Pinterest and I want to say a young adult, not necessarily a kid on her Pinterest. She had photographs of the atrium, she had photographs of the gardens, she had photographs of the Biltmore. And so it's a Friday and we call the Biltmore up and the only time they have available, the only openings for tours, is on Friday and I'm sitting there going. I have four sessions, four calls. So that's a good amount of money. That's $600.

Speaker 2:

And I asked her very simply I said sweetheart, is this bucket list level? She said yeah. I said we have to do it. I very, very, very rarely do this and my clients know if any of my clients are listening. I messaged four of my clients and I said listen. I explained the whole thing. I said we're in South Carolina, we're 20 minutes from this place that Emilia's wanted to go to since she was a little girl. I got a reschedule. I got a reschedule, so I rescheduled $600 worth of calls four sessions in a row and we went to the Biltmore and it was amazing, genuinely.

Speaker 2:

Now I would never have gone on my own I really wouldn't have. I'm not necessarily someone who's going to travel to some garden. Emilia loves nature. She loves gardens. It ended up being really fascinating. It was one of those tours where you learn all about it. It was built in the early 1800s. It was really, really cool. And the gym have I always talked about. They had a gym in the Biltmore and it was an 1800s gym and it was hilarious for me to see what they used to do. They used to have these bowling pin weights that they would like swing around, thinking it was exercise. And again it is, but it's just fascinating. So, anyways, if you've ever been to the Biltmore, you think it's amazing, like I do, and it was magnificent. If you've never been to the Biltmore, I highly recommend it.

Speaker 2:

But the point of this is being flexible. I had to move and I told her. I said, sweetheart, this is not something that I normally do. That's a big momentum hit. I don't like to let my clients down at all. I don't like to reschedule calls and this is a. You know how important is this to you? And she said 10 out of 10. I said, okay, we gotta do it.

Speaker 2:

And then we also ended up going to the Leonardo da Vinci exhibit which was even cooler, in my honest opinion which is right in the same estate. So it ended up being this unforgettable day. We have beautiful photographs. It's an unforgettable trip. Now we call it the best worst trip ever because everything else was pretty much awful the Airbnb and all that. But we have a memory that will last a lifetime because I was flexible and I know she would do the same for me if there was something that was on my bucket list. And that doesn't mean that you do that every day. That doesn't mean that you always do what she wants or he wants at the expense of yourself, but sometimes you're gonna have to and you might be pleasantly surprised with how awesome it is.

Speaker 1:

And the next time you do something you might have more of an appreciation of the fun you might have when we went. The first time we ever did something like that something historic like that, I think was when we went to Colorado to get married and we went to this old prison. I think it was a prison in a town called Silverton, which was like they had mines and it was part of the gold rush or something I don't know. It was literally on the other side of a mountain, like you're driving on this mountain and if you go off the side of the road you are dead because it's just a drop to nothingness. So it's like an hour and a half drive or it was wild, and when we looked at what to do, we saw this old prison exhibit and then there was this mining exhibit and it was the first time I had ever done anything like that and it was awesome. It was massive, it was like underground. It was really cool. There was a bunch of stuff that I had never seen before. One of them was the gear that the miners wore, and it showed how they used to have these leather helmets that didn't do anything effectively Alarming huh Right all the way up to having like a full suit with oxygen and all that. And I was like, oh, that's similar to what I used when I was in the fire academy. Oh, that's cool. But now I have a really good positive association with stuff like that. So, if anything maybe similar to physical flexibility, when you practice flexibility, it's a little bit easier to be flexible next time. You can get a little deeper into the stretch. You can get a little deeper into the stretch of saying I don't know if this is something I'd enjoy, but I do know my partner would. And the other thought behind this is it's far easier for you to do this if your partner is doing it.

Speaker 1:

On the other end, I was talking to Taryn one day and one of her coworkers loves UFC, loves mixed martial arts, combat sports, and she said you should, maybe in the future you could invite him over to watch the fights. And I was like, yeah, have him come over this weekend. And she was like really, and I said, yeah, why not? I don't care, I'm not a person. If he likes UFC, he likes UFC. I'm down to hang. See what kind of hang this person is. And we ended up making pizza at home and watching UFC. Taryn doesn't watch UFC with me, but she did that night because it was one of her friends. We made a homemade dinner and we had a really good night. So it's far easier to be flexible when you do feel like your partner is willing to be flexible back with you. That's a deeper conversation, obviously, and maybe some vulnerability, but I would say, if you don't feel like you're getting your needs met, it's gonna be far harder for you to prioritize the needs of your partner.

Speaker 2:

Definitely. Unfortunately, I want to give another example. So when the Titanic had their 25 year anniversary, I've been very, very open. I'm a huge movie buff, huge movie fan, always have been. I probably didn't used to flaunt that as much as I have these days, but yeah, I'm obsessed, always have been. So 25 year anniversary, titanic came out and so did the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park the very first one and they came out with 3D for the first time. And there's a theater near us where it's called X plus and it's 3D and it's got these leather chairs. It's the best we get cuted. Oba, she sneaks it in in her purse. It's awesome. It makes me so anxious.

Speaker 2:

You're like getting in trouble. I have no problem with it.

Speaker 1:

It's all good, I know, I know.

Speaker 2:

And we eat full meals. We have snacks on snacks Probably bought more snacks than we should have and it's just the best. Now, emilia wouldn't do that she on her own. She does that because she knows it lights me up and she ends up enjoying herself a ton too, just like the Biltmore. The Biltmore lit her up and fulfilled her more than it did me, but I also love to see her lit up and fulfilled, and vice versa. So Jurassic Park 3D 30th anniversary and Titanic 3D 25th anniversary she would never do on her own, but she loves to see how lit up I am and she ends up enjoying herself a lot as well.

Speaker 2:

And so, at the end of the day, if you are not flexible with your partner, they're probably not going to be flexible with you, and then you're going to slowly but surely not be as fulfilled as you could be, because we all know the things we love are better when we share them with the person we love, and sometimes she'd rather be with me doing what I want to do than not with me at all, and vice versa. And the last piece of this that I'll share as well is we thought that we had a core value in conflict when we first got together and they kind of were Emilia and I sat down and we came up with our core values together as a. We called them our 10 commandments at the time, and one of them was adventure, and Kev is like dude, I don't know man. And I was like what do you mean? I love adventure you know just kidding myself and I think I do like the outdoors, but not nearly as much as most people and certainly not nearly as much as Emilia. I'm somewhat of a recluse and fitness for me is 10 out of 10. It's insane, like, if you don't like to work out, you and I are just not going to travel together. It's just. I mean, emilia and I in that South Carolina trip, we were literally working out, lifting grocery bags because we couldn't find a gym. It was, it was obnoxious, and I actually had a hard conversation with her. I said, sweetheart, this is not working out for me. We can't travel places that don't have a gym. I'm not doing it. And again, that was exactly how frustrated I was, but what I thought was in conflict, we were flexible and we made it work.

Speaker 2:

Now she has a goal to go on an adventure every quarter. We've been climbing mountains. I think we've climbed five mountains. A couple of them you wouldn't consider a mountain, but the Appalachian Trail we climb.

Speaker 2:

I said, sweetheart, for me what matters is the fitness. I want the hike to be hard and I want to get a workout in. I'm not just there for nature and butterflies, I want to work out. Now here's what we do. We do hard climbs now that are challenging my physique, my body, my capabilities and their beautiful nature, and so now I get my workout and I get to see nature, she gets her nature and she gets a workout. So it's a win-win because, quite frankly, I do have a core value of nature a little bit. She does have a core value of fitness, probably more than I do nature. But now it's a win-win-win-win-win.

Speaker 2:

Instead of I don't really want to go for a walk, I want to get a workout in, and so, again, there's ways to integrate. But you just have to get creative. And now we went, we hiked the Appalachian Trail. I never would have done that on my own. That was really cool. It's also wildly dangerous because it was icy, but yeah, there's a lot of benefits to this and I think that when you're a young man or a young woman, you think, oh, you know, I'm not going to compromise or whatever.

Speaker 2:

I don't think compromise is the solution. I think compromise implies that you're sacrificing something. I think integration or being flexible is probably a better label, and there's things that you're going to have to do in your relationship that a mature relationship does. That it's you can find a win-win. No, emilia would not go watch Titanic 3D on her own, but that doesn't mean she can't have an awesome night with me. And if she had a big ego and didn't want to have a flourishing relationship, she would say no, go on your own, go with a friend or whatever. And I do think some people are like that. I think some people are too selfish to really get out of themselves and to light their partner up, and I see that a lot because I coach couples and it's really sad.

Speaker 1:

I wonder if there is ever a time for that, though when? Because I was thinking of If I want to do something 10 out of 10 and you want to do something 0 out of 10, yeah, one of us is do it alone. Yeah, yeah, it's probably gonna but here's the thought.

Speaker 2:

But if it's a 7 and a 10, integrate well, what if it's a 7 and a 3? Don't do it at all.

Speaker 1:

So I find, that it's, it's probably gonna be, because in my mind it's like okay, I Okay, this is, this is good. When Tara and I went to Colorado, she wanted to paraglide and she's like it's a 10 out of 10 for me and I said it's a zero, I don't want to, I have no interest in doing it zero out of 10 for me.

Speaker 1:

I'm not in. I Will come watch you. I will take video of you, whatever, I can't do it, I'm not in. I'm not gonna strap me to somebody I just met and they're gonna. They're gonna keep me alive.

Speaker 1:

I can't do it there. I am physically not capable of attaching to this other human, but on the other end, I also and I think this is this is a piece of understanding yourself and your partner and your partnership If I wanted to go to you at UFC live which I do intend on doing, and it's a 10 and it's a zero for Tara and I'm not gonna be upset if she doesn't want to come, of course I don't expect you to want to sit through and we're going early, we're going live. We're going early.

Speaker 2:

I'm talking about the extreme couples, where some couples that I've met they aren't doing anything that their partner loves. Yeah, and you really do need to Get over yourself in that instance a little bit. You can't expect that's like wanting to be successful without working hard. You're not gonna have a great relationship without being flexible.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I would agree but I'm with you if it's a 10 and a zero.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, what's your?

Speaker 1:

next level nugget.

Speaker 2:

Figure out where you could find a win-win in what used to be a win-lose.

Speaker 1:

Okay, my next level, nugget, would be unless you are so incredibly blessed that you and your partner value the same exact things at the same exact level which I Don't know if I've ever met two humans that do You're going to have to be flexible, both of you and I. I would argue that it's gonna be really beneficial for you, not just for the relationship, but for you as a human, because you're experienced things that you probably never would have, and I'm that's coming from me first hand a lot of the things I've done I never would have done if Taran didn't suggest them or if it didn't light her up, and I'm very grateful for all the things I have done.

Speaker 2:

So and now, when we build our next level trolley Slash strain next level trolley solutions and into the mine yeah, gold mine to the next level.

Speaker 1:

nugget, I'm very familiar, you'll know had it. Yeah, I'm very familiar with all of it with our next level.

Speaker 2:

Helmets, yeah, made of leather.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, we could podcast on the trolley. Whatever it takes, we'll have a gym in the mine, of course all sorts of good stuff.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, there's benefits, for sure, unexpected benefits. Emilia has even said this will be the last thing. Emilia has said that in her Speaking with clients, her coaching, her, her clinical work, her research, her podcast, she uses movie references to help make things land. I mean, we talk about the relationship force field and how you got to put your family first and your relationship first, and she uses Harry Potter as a reference and how Kevin never understands these references.

Speaker 1:

Here we go.

Speaker 2:

Harry Potter movies, but the, the shield around Hogwarts she uses that. It's just been very useful in unexpected ways.

Speaker 1:

To Kevin's point Are you a wiggly puff or are you a? What's the other one, ravenclaw or a wiggly puff?

Speaker 2:

You see, more like a wiggly puff to me it's not a wiggly puff. Oh, that's hilarious for me.

Speaker 1:

We have fun around here, don't we?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I would say that my natural is Slytherin, but I would choose Gryffindor. Like Harry Potter, you are a wiggly puff, I'm gonna be a wiggly puff.

Speaker 1:

I'm gonna be a wiggly puff. Sounds more like a Pokemon than anything else. Alright, next level nation. If you have a podcast, you want to start a podcast. You want more information on a podcast? Feel free to book a free 30 minute next level podcast breakthrough coaching session with me. At the end of the day, a lot of the people I talk to don't have podcasts, but they are thinking about it. They think to themselves what would it look like? How do I actually do it? Am I confident enough to do it? So any questions you have, I'd love to answer. We'll have the link in the show notes below and I'd love to. I'd love to chat with you about podcasting.

Speaker 2:

So, if group 11 is listening, we have our last session this Tuesday and group 12 will be launching on October 10th. We've talked about group coaching a lot. You've heard mid-trot testimonials of different group coaching members and how the habit tracking and how these things have changed people's lives. If you've been curious, if you're ready to rock with the promo code, it comes to less than $97 per month for the three months. Okay, reach out to Kevin or myself, alan at nextleveluniversecom. Kevin at nextleveluniversecom say hey, I'm in, I want in on group 12. We will send you the promo code, the landing page is ready, you can pay and you lock your spot and you're good to go.

Speaker 1:

Tomorrow for episode number 1463. One skill we all need to be more successful, alan and I included. We will talk about that tomorrow. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you, and at NLU we don't have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow Stay flexible next station.

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Alan Lazaros

Host
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Kevin Palmieri

Host