Next Level University

#1468 - Where Is Your Self-esteem Really Coming From?

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

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In this episode, hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros talk about understanding and cultivating self-esteem. They explore how self-esteem shapes our lives and how external sources can enhance it. They discuss the importance of setting ourselves up for consistent, sustainable growth in whatever area is most important to us. When we achieve success in areas we care about, it can significantly enhance our self-esteem. They also talk about the concept of spreading out where we get our self-esteem from. By doing so, we can be prepared for the days when the well of external validation runs dry.

Link mentioned:
Next Level Hope Foundation - https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/next-level-hope-foundation/
Learn more about group coaching - https://nextleveluniverse.com/group-coaching/

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Show notes: 
[3:24] Validation from social media
[7:32] Sources of self-esteem vary
[11:32] External validation cannot be the whole thing
[12:31] Bianca, the co-founder and COO of Evolve Ventures, talks about Alan's unwavering support as her coach and the profound impact of mentorship on her life
[13:24] Alan's breakthrough
[18:48] Identify where you get your self-esteem
[25:20] Outro

Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

Speaker 1:

Next level nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. We hope you enjoyed our latest episode. It was episode number 1467, a new reframe on judgment. Today. For episode number 1468, where is your self-esteem really coming from?

Speaker 1:

Alan and I did an episode I don't remember how long ago, but we did an episode where we talked about self-worth self-esteem and you mentioned that there's usually one habit that really builds self-worth self-esteem. We went very deep on that episode and we said we should really do a part two of this at some point. I think now is a really good time to do it, because I was on a podcast the other day. It was a really good show with a really good host, just very aware and just seemed like a very good person. One of the questions they asked was when do you feel like your self-worth really started to level, when it started to increase? I said honestly, I think it's when I started going on so many other podcasts, because I was getting a ton of external validation and I was getting a lot of kind words and I was also having this realization that we are further ahead than I think I realized when I go on a show that has 15 episodes or 100 episodes 100 episodes, a lot of episodes were a podcast to have that most people never get there. But then when they're introducing me they're talking about how we have so many episodes and I said I know it might sound dangerous to say I'm getting self-worth and self-esteem from an external source, but I don't necessarily know if that's a bad thing. It's definitely helped my confidence. It's definitely helped my self-esteem.

Speaker 1:

Is it dangerous? Maybe, because I guess the thought process would be if you lost the opportunity to go on podcasts, would you lose your self-worth and self-esteem? I don't think so. I believe it's here to stay, but I thought having a conversation around that would be hopefully valuable. I guess there's a lot of ways we can go with this because maybe in certain circumstances it is risky.

Speaker 1:

Hypothetically I've said this before and I know I want to say it right, so I don't offend anybody because I don't mean anything negative by it If you're somebody who puts risque photos of themselves on social media with the goal of getting significance from getting comments or views or whatever it may be, if that builds your self-worth, I guess isn't that kind of what I'm doing in a way, except for me it's more the skill of communication and being a podcaster. I don't know, I figure I'll throw that out there as a conversation starter, but I think it's positive and I think as long as you're in control of it, it's positive. What are your thoughts on my monologue, on all of that? What are your thoughts?

Speaker 2:

on all of that, the infamous question. What are your thoughts on all of that?

Speaker 1:

You've said that many times. Right now it's 7.57 Friday night. Alan and I hammering out this episode. It's been a very long week. I am in the giggliest mood, but also very philosophical as well. I'm excited. You sound super excited.

Speaker 2:

I'm also cooked. This is good, this is good.

Speaker 1:

I love this.

Speaker 2:

I have so much in my mind that I want to bring. I want to bring to the table, bring it.

Speaker 2:

Kev you were saying I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing. I think there are constructive ways to meet our needs and destructive ways to meet our needs. In the past, getting drunk at a party and doing funny things was getting me external validation in college for example, being funny, being charismatic, dancing a certain way or whatever. Getting drunk, drinking a lot, being able to drink a lot, xyz that was a destructive way to meet my need for love, belonging, external validation, self-esteem. I think a lot of what we do in life is for self-esteem. Where we get tripped up is that the way we build our self-esteem is either constructive or destructive. It's destructive. What might build your self-esteem at the party? Getting drunk, being funny, being charismatic, dancing with the hot girl, whatever it might be the next day when you're hung over, it's actually destructive to your self-esteem. So it's like you get a self-esteem boost and then you get a self-esteem hit. And then you get a self-esteem boost and then you get a self-esteem hit Versus getting a great workout instead of going to the party and getting drunk. Maybe you get a self-esteem boost when you get eyes from the guy or the girl or the whatever, or when you look in the mirror and see that you're making progress, but the next morning there's no self-esteem hit. So it's a self-esteem boost. And then the next morning you feel better too, so it's another self-esteem boost.

Speaker 2:

I think that's all it comes down to, is I think that we all build self-esteem both intrinsically and extrinsically. I think it's naive to think otherwise. I really do, but I think that we all meet our needs and our self-esteem needs in a certain way. And then one last little nuance here is whenever I coach someone, I'm always looking for what's the number one source of self-esteem for this person. It's very unique to each individual. So Kev, just transparently on this podcast, when Kev is doing very well financially, his self-esteem is much higher. His self-esteem is very tied to financial success. I'm not making that wrong, I'm not making that right. I'm saying that's true for Kevin. So if I was coaching Kev, I would set him up for consistent, sustainable financial growth, which I've not done the best job of in the past.

Speaker 1:

I'll tell my business partner to get his S together.

Speaker 2:

But we're doing very well, and so he. I remember he came to me one time he said Allen, when we're doing really well financially, I can think long term, I have more self-esteem, I'm more fulfilled, I have higher self-worth. Can we please focus on that Right? And so the number one source of self-esteem for Kev is financial. For me it's fitness. For sure, when I'm not doing well in fitness, my self-esteem is constantly taking a hit.

Speaker 2:

And I do believe this stems from our childhood. I think Kev struggled financially growing up and I think that I was a prepubescent boy who got bullied by the big jocks who were jacked. And I think a lot of our desires in life and self-esteem in life is the polar opposite of whatever was our most painful. So at the end of the day, each person has one lever, one dial, one thing that I'm looking for to really dial up. I have one client I'll keep it anonymous, who it's body shame, body issues, body ish challenges. So I knew all I have to do is dial up. If we want to help her win, if I want to help her win in this coaching, we just have to solve that.

Speaker 2:

So she started exercising consistently, she started doing yoga consistently, she started eating better, all of a sudden she starts to shine, starts to shine, starts to shine. Now her self-esteem is on the rise and then everything else starts to win too. Think about how well this ripples. She starts to work out consistently, she starts to build self-esteem. Now she feels better and is looking better. So now she posts more on social media. Now she gets more clients. When she gets more clients, that feeds her self-esteem. So it's a momentous momentum. Momentous momentum in the direction of self-esteem. But it all depends on the person. So for Kev he makes a sale, financial success, awesome. Wants to make another sale, gets momentum, gets better at sales, more clients, more podcasts, more. So for you, what's the number one, most important lever, so to speak, that you need to work on that's going to increase your self-esteem, external or internal?

Speaker 1:

Momentous momentum. Moment to moment. Moment to moment.

Speaker 2:

Moment to moment momentum no, wait, wait, wait. Moment to moment momentous momentum.

Speaker 1:

That's something, isn't it? Say that 200 times fast.

Speaker 2:

Definitely not. What are your thoughts on all that?

Speaker 1:

My thoughts. Well, I was thinking that right now, when it comes to body, I have high body image, physique, whatever you want to say. I have very high self-esteem. When I was letting it ride, I didn't as much, but I also understand that's a I don't know. I wonder if the level of control you have around it, too, affects it, because you and I have been very and this is I understand. This is kind of like a privilege, but it's also vulnerable to say when I'm out of shape, it's not because I don't know how to get in shape, it's usually just because I'm out here, jeffin, and I'm lazy and I don't want to do it. So at least I have the hope that okay, or I have the understanding that yeah, the certainty.

Speaker 1:

If I want to dial this in, I can, but I get a lot of self-esteem from being in shape. I was in the locker room yesterday and two of the guys that are there every morning they're like dude, you're looking huge, are you bulking? And I was like, no, I'm actually cutting, so I shouldn't look huge, I should look ripped. That's what I'm aiming for. Very clearly. I'm not there yet, but that felt really good. That felt really good. That lit me up, that put a little spark to me. But it's you just can't rely on it, I think. I think if you're relying on it and it's the pillar- of your self-esteem.

Speaker 1:

That's where it's a dangerous game, where, yeah, if you, if somebody likes, or a bunch of people like your content. So I did a TikTok the other day because we everybody's using TikTok and we're not on it, so we should probably be on TikTok. So I put something up and it got like 700 views and I was like hell, yeah, nice. And then the next one got 265 views and I was like, oh man, not so nice.

Speaker 1:

That's an example of it can't be. It can be supplementary, I think, but I don't think it can be the whole thing. The external validation you get I don't think can be the whole thing, because then you start doing everything for that and it's very hard to build on that. Now. I think the reason I feel like I actually have self-esteem is because I have a lot of momentum in different areas and when something happens, when we lose a client, or when I don't do so well on a podcast, or when Alan and I have a tough moment, it doesn't really take from it as much as it once would because I'm getting it from so many different places, but it did start somewhere.

Speaker 1:

So, another podcast was big. Yes, sir.

Speaker 2:

I had a breakthrough when you were talking.

Speaker 1:

I do that, I'm telling you If. I had a dollar for every breakthrough you had.

Speaker 2:

You'd have $3,500.

Speaker 1:

You think that many? Definitely no. You don't have a breakthrough every three episodes, in a way.

Speaker 2:

Not that I tell you about I'm kidding, yeah, I just lit up, perfect.

Speaker 2:

So the breakthrough that I had was that and I'm going to speak as a male because I think this is actually somewhat different statistically speaking for females, but again, I think it can apply to anybody. For Kevin, I told Kevin recently. I said I've been analyzing my past a lot lately and in hindsight it's been difficult for me to swallow the uncomfortable truth that I was more emotionally immature than I thought and we've talked a lot about that on the show and what I realized in hindsight. Again, I'm coming up on 35 in November and the first part of my life, I think as a young man in particular. You seek external significance like a lot and I know, kev, you've certainly right muscle, car muscles, wife beater the wife beater is actually just a tank top yeah wife beater is a tank top, for those of you who don't know, and also.

Speaker 1:

maybe we should change the name of that. What do you think? Definitely Like what came up with that it's a tank top, tank top. My apologies, no, no, I'm not saying I'm not saying you did anything wrong. I'm just saying whoever came up with that name, it's like that's probably not the thoughtful thing in the world.

Speaker 2:

So we'll just say tank top, tank top. So Kev used to talk about how he would try to find reasons to take his shirt off because he was in the best shape. And I got significance from being smart, kevin got significance from being in great shape, and then fast forward, fast forward, fast forward. We were in our 20s and we were both miserable, both making a lot of money, both had really beautiful girlfriends. And we talk about our midlife crisis. Quote unquote was in our mid 20s, so it was our quarter life crisis, so to speak. And I had the car accident. He had sort of suicidal ideation, and we interview each other every now and then. So if you are a new listener and you haven't heard our story, that will come. But for the purposes of this episode, after 25, 26, I think yours happened at 26 as well.

Speaker 1:

Right, both of us 20, I don't even know.

Speaker 2:

When was the side of the bed in New Jersey? When you message me?

Speaker 1:

2017. So six years ago I'm 23, 20, I think I was 28. I was 28.

Speaker 2:

Okay. So in our twenties mid to late twenties I had a car accident, kevin had suicidal ideation, and so we went from seeking external validation a lot in our teens and our early twenties to flipping the script. And we after that we went all intrinsic self-awareness, self-growth, personal development, again personal development. Personal development is personal, personal growth is personal. So we went all inward, hyper-conscious, changed the way you think, character over everything. We went all in on personal growth. So we went external validation that didn't work for full fulfillment because we went too far and we didn't work on ourselves enough. Then we went the other way and we went from financially successful, externally successful, externally validated, to basically broke entrepreneurs who loved who they were or and were intrinsically very, very validated, but extrinsically not.

Speaker 2:

And now I think we're finding five drive to five where we are getting consistent external self-esteem, external validation, external rewards, as well as the internal work and the fulfillment and the inner stuff. And so I hope that, that. I think that's probably the life journey in a way. You know, when you're young you seek a lot of external validation, you care what everyone thinks, and then as you get older you flip the script, get into personal growth and you think that's the answer. But then you realize, oh my God, I still need some external finances and some external money and some external materials and I still want some external validation and I still do care about judgment. And then eventually you get to a place where you drive to five and hopefully you live a life where you're consistently and sustainably getting self-esteem, both extrinsically and intrinsically.

Speaker 1:

I mentioned this on the team call two weeks ago that I was just in a very good place in terms of just being proud. I said I feel very proud of the man I am and I feel proud of the work I'm doing and I think about that often. I have boats where I'm just sitting around. It's like I really love my life and I love what I do and I'm very proud of everything I've done and what I've become and now, in a way, that kind of gives me self-esteem. So there's a million different places you can get it.

Speaker 1:

But I think my next level nugget would be try to spread out the places you get it, Because I don't know why I always use this as an example Alone. I talk about alone all the time. It's the survival show. If you're out in the wilderness and you're trying to hunt for food which they have to do because they don't want to hunt for food, they don't want to hunt for food. They don't have to do because they're not giving food, so they have to hunt. The more traps you put out, the higher likelihood of catching something. But if you only put one trap out and you miss, you're not going to eat for that day.

Speaker 1:

I kind of think of self-esteem. The same when? If it's the social media post that has to do it and it doesn't do it, that's going to be a tough day. So my next level nugget is figure out, identify where do you get your self-esteem from? And if it is external, it doesn't have to be negative. It doesn't have to be negative. That's a really good, important piece of self-awareness to have, Because if you do start to feel down during the day or you feel We've all had those days where it's like today is not the day. I just am not hopeful. It doesn't feel right. Maybe that's because you went to the well and the well was dry that day. So try to spread out where you get your self-esteem from. That'll be my next level nugget.

Speaker 2:

My next level nugget. I want to give an example, but I got a message the other day from a client that said I'm thankful for you. I know I said this yesterday, but my life has changed tremendously since 2018 because of you and Kevin. I truly owe so much of my growth and success to both of you. I always leave our calls feeling so aligned and ready for the week ahead. Truly, the best coach I've ever had and ever will have that last part really really did it for me.

Speaker 2:

That is, I believe, a constructive, positive way to build self-esteem. That, of course, builds my self-esteem. That is an external validation. Now, can I count on a message like that every day? No, so my next level nugget is if you entirely need external validation, or external things for your self-esteem, you are in trouble, because what if the gas station runs out of gas, so to speak?

Speaker 2:

But I also believe that if you only rely internally and completely neglect your external needs, I don't think that's real. We are a tribal species that craves belonging and crave acceptance and crave love, and so, yes, you need both, and to deny that, I think is naive, and I think that there's a way to get design your life in a way where you are consistently building self-esteem in who you are, but also in the work you do. Why is it a bad thing that it builds self-esteem when we do good things? I think that's a good thing. I think that's constructive. I think the world will be a better place if all of us got our self-esteem from sources of helping other people, even if it is profitable.

Speaker 1:

I wonder if you did get which I expect will happen in the future, if you did get a message like that every single day, I wonder if eventually it would stop building self-esteem because it just became normal.

Speaker 2:

Maybe the boost wouldn't be as big, but it would still. I don't think it would ever go away fully.

Speaker 1:

I think it's really the perspective Because I was thinking the same thing of five years from today, when I've been on. However many thousands of podcasts am I going tois it not going to affect me anymore? And I think if you lose sight of howwhat that actually means like somebody taking the time out of their day to send you that, or somebody giving you kind words when you're a podcast guest I think if you lose sight of that, you probably lose sight of the good feelings that come with it.

Speaker 2:

But that's why it's so important to remember the beginning. Yeah, because and this will be the very last thing I share one of the benefits of coming from a really challenging childhood is that you never forget, no matter how high we climb, no matter how many next levels we get to. They're all so sweet and fulfilling. More so because I remember, and I purposely remember, how hard it was, whereas I think someone who is born in a great circumstance I don't know if they have that and obviously they have other benefits right being born in a great circumstance is great and I'm not saying anything against that, but I think the perspective of how hard it was at the beginning keeps those messages in perspective. But I do think that as you get more and more and more and more and more of them, obviously it's harder to keep that perspective.

Speaker 1:

A very hyper-conscious episode tonight. It's a good one. It was a good one. I enjoyed this one. Next up the Nation, we have our second annual yes, second annual, my goodness. Next level Hope Foundation holiday event. I don't have any Awesome specifics yet, but just keep your eyes and ears peeled. If you have donated and you want to donate again, we will be doing exactly what we have done over the last few years. We have a holiday event, we get food, we rent, we rent out the YMCA and Worcester, we get gifts for all of the children that come. It's awesome, it's amazing, and if you want to take part in it, we would appreciate it very much. So just keep your eyes and these ears peeled. Cannot speak to save my life and eventually we'll have something in the show notes.

Speaker 2:

We just don't yet picture 25 kids all Be lining as quickly as they can to the center of the gym where Kevin opens two huge boxes of presents. Kevin claws with Kevin claws, with with Recyclable wrapping paper. It was mayhem.

Speaker 1:

It was mayhem.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, but everyone chooses what kind of Gift they want. We did a bass, what we do basketball frisbee football.

Speaker 2:

Something active. Yes, it was all something active, so it's a really good thing also. So, first and foremost, huge shout out to ignite group 11 for graduating. Group 12 is opening, opening on October 10th. If you feel stuck, if you feel like you need something to really boost your self-esteem, if you feel like you need some more direction, a little bit more structure, think about being on a sports team. I always like that analogy. Maybe you're on a soccer team or a basketball team. There's something about being on a team of like-minded individuals working towards common goals that just ignites you. Ignite was the actually team name of the group 11. So you pick your own team name. It's pretty awesome, so we hope that you join.

Speaker 2:

Click the link in the show notes. All the information you need will be there. There's a countdown clock to October 10th and if you want the promo code, reach out to Kevin and myself out at next level universe, com. Kevin at next level universe calm and just ask for the promo code. We'll give it to you. It comes to less than 97 dollars per month for the three month program tomorrow for episode number 1469, who is going to celebrate you?

Speaker 1:

if you don't celebrate yourself, it's not gonna be in the direction you think most likely. So I will give that little preface. As always we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you and an L? You. We don't have fans, we have family. We'll talk to you all tomorrow.

Speaker 2:

Build that self-esteem. Next elimination

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Alan Lazaros

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Kevin Palmieri

Host