Next Level University

#1479 - One Question To Bring Clarity To Your Relationship

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

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We all dream of having relationships that aren't just surviving but thriving. The journey towards this goal is often fraught with unanswered and unasked inquiries. In this episode, hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros discuss that finding the right partner involves understanding the delicate balance between our wants and needs. It is not always about finding someone who ticks all the boxes of our ideal partner but rather someone who complements us, fills our gaps, and pushes us to improve.

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Show notes: 
[2:07] What do you need in a partner?
[5:45] What comes with what you want in a partner
[10:20] Alan didn't know Kevin was the partner he needed
[12:21] Alex highlights how Next Level Business Solutions helped him optimize his time for maximum productivity
[13:00] Kevin knew he needed Alan as his partner, but not really what he wanted
[17:26] Creating an aligned community
[23:28] Outro

Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

Speaker 1:

Next level nation. Welcome back to another episode of next level University, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. We hope you enjoyed our latest episode, episode number 1478. Another way lack of belief shows up in our lives today. For episode number 1479 One question to bring clarity to your relationship.

Speaker 1:

I would say this is mostly about Intimate relationships, but you could probably use this question in any relationship. At the end of the day, I was having a conversation with somebody recently and this person's going through it a little bit in their relationship and they said something along the lines of I really Sometimes I wish my partner was more like blink, and I remember the exact thing and we had a real deep conversation and I said you know what you really have to do. You have to be very, very honest with yourself, uncomfortably honest with yourself, and you need to ask yourself this one simple question that I think will really help you what do you really want in a partner? And then I would say the next, the Maybe even more important question is what do you need in a partner? Because maybe what you want in a partner and what you need in a partner are the same things.

Speaker 1:

And I that's right, and that's not where I intended on this episode going, but I do think that's probably a more valuable question. If I look back to my past, there were so many times where what I wanted in a partner and what I needed in a partner were drastically different, so drastically different, and it's not a surprise those Relationships didn't work out. But now I really feel like what I have in a partner is not only what I want, but I do think it's what I need, and I would say that's one of the reasons things are going as well as they are. So I guess it's two questions. It's two questions to bring clarity to your relationship.

Speaker 1:

Number one what do I want in a partner? If I was gonna sit down and make a list of the Intangibles and the personality traits and the strengths and the weaknesses and the communication style awesome. What do I need? You might want someone that challenges you, but maybe you need someone that makes you feel safe. Right? I am very challenged in my day-to-day life because of the business and Alan is always pushing me. I don't necessarily need that when I log off of this and leave the office for the night. Now Taren challenges me in many different ways Character, becoming a better man, becoming a better partner, but it's not. Hey, did you send all those emails you're supposed to send today? Hey you're. You're not as productive as you need to be. I get enough of that from from Cirque day. So, jeff, over here, I don't need that at home.

Speaker 1:

But, I'm very I'm very honest with myself when it comes to that, and I think that's one of the reasons we've been successful. So those are two questions what do I want in a partner and what do I truly need in a partner, based on what I've had in the past and what worked, what didn't work, what served me, what didn't serve me? My goodness, what didn't work, what didn't work to you, sir, past to you. Pass the baton, pass it.

Speaker 2:

So what Kevin just shared there is what do you really want in a partner? And when you ask these questions, it's really important to be willing to be uncomfortable, which he articulated. And then, what do you really need in a partner? And that's a more challenging one sometimes to answer because that requires tremendous humility of Okay, I struggle with self-discipline. Maybe I do need a partner who is more disciplined to encourage me to be as disciplined. Or, like Kevin in this case, I already have a ton of that a ton of accountability, a ton of necessity, a ton of self-discipline to people around me. I actually need more support than I do discipline I. The third question, which we didn't anticipate I know we're gonna go one layer deeper. One layer deeper.

Speaker 1:

I have a question for you after as well. So there's gonna be four questions.

Speaker 2:

Oh, I'm excited. You're gonna come at me with that energy Perfect.

Speaker 1:

You're not gonna be excited when I ask you that's not good. No, I'm not excited.

Speaker 2:

We're doing a roller coaster today, so we're gonna hit every note here. First one what do I really want in a partner? Boom, what do I really need in a partner, even though I might not want it? And then the third is and this is, I think, really important to understand is what is gonna come with that that I might not want. So I'm gonna give you an example.

Speaker 2:

Emilia has the highest standards for herself of anyone I've ever personally met. Now she and I have exercised every day, for I think it's 570, I think it's almost 580 days now. I think I haven't done my updates in the last two days, but I did take photos. My point is is that she that was her idea, that was her idea, and I tell this story because I think it's important for context. I said I wanna do a hundred, I wanna beat my old best. My old best was four months Got past that, like, okay, let's do a year. We did a year and I was done. After that I was driving home and I was like all right, perfect, you know, we hit a year, awesome. Now what she's like let's just do this forever. And I jokingly say I had a mini panic attack, but I'm not even kidding. I did have like a little moment of.

Speaker 2:

I don't know if I wanna do that Seriously every day for the rest of my life. And she was like, yeah, let's do it. There was no concern from her end whatsoever that having a partner who's that amazing is awesome and it inspires me and it motivates me and it's helpful. She's my accountability partner. I can't wait for her to get home from South Carolina so we can go to the gym together. That's all great and, quite frankly, when she left, I was less disciplined. That is a fact.

Speaker 2:

Now the last question is do I want what comes with that? Okay, so the first question is what do I want in a partner? The second question is what do I need in a partner? The third question is what do I want? What comes with that? Meaning having a magnificently disciplined, aspirational, growth-oriented, intimate partner more so than I ever have in any past partners has been nothing short of absolutely magnificent, way beyond my wildest dreams. But those standards are challenging to live up to and you have to understand that there are certain character traits that your partner might have or that you think you might want, but you might not understand the other side of that coin and all's I'm saying is, if you want a coin, you need both sides of the coin, and you need to understand both sides of the coin, and I think that that's the olive branch that I would extend. Why is it an olive branch?

Speaker 1:

I have no idea, dude, that wasn't my question.

Speaker 2:

You know I have no idea.

Speaker 1:

This is my question for you. Are you ready?

Speaker 2:

sir, let me check in on that. I would say I am. It's like a game show. It is like a game show.

Speaker 1:

Again, we could have game show music, but it's too much work. When you and I started working together, did you think I was the business partner you wanted, or did you think I was the business partner you needed? Did you think of any of those things, or was? I just a giant pain in the ass.

Speaker 2:

That's a great question. I don't know why you were concerned to ask me that I liked that question a lot. Yeah, no, I was gonna say that I wasn't gonna like the question.

Speaker 1:

I know I said that so you'd think about the question that I was gonna ask. Oh okay. Yeah, I was trying to get in your head, son. It worked, it did it worked.

Speaker 2:

When I worked with you, I knew that I didn't wanna work with other people, because you were the first person who at least matched my work ethic.

Speaker 1:

How much of a pain in the butt have I been, though on a scale of one to 10? You sent me a message today. Alan messaged something to me, and then he sent me my email signature and he's like make it say this, not this. Make it say this, not this, get rid of this. Make it say this not this.

Speaker 2:

I think it was like eight bullets.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, and I did it and I sent it back and I said, done and done. There's a lot of people out there that would say that's a giant pain in the ass and it is, at times, not a problem, it's all good. No, no, no, no. Well, you know, I mean it was a pain in the ass for me. Let me talk about myself about you?

Speaker 2:

Oh, got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you not having the perfect email signature isn't a pain in my butt.

Speaker 2:

I mean it is but I don't care, it's all good. It is a pain in the butt a little bit Me or you. Thank you, glendale SOLDIERS. I don't know, I don't feel like I expect you to know that. Okay, that's a whole another conversation, but that's how I've made it this far. It's so funny too, because Emilia is a business owner as well and she has a team and she always asks me like why are you okay with him? You know not XYZ. And again, to bring the listeners involved here, it's not like Kevin isn't working extremely hard.

Speaker 2:

Let me share the original answer. I had no idea that you were the business partner that I needed, as much as I now realize that Emotional intelligence for you is way higher than I originally thought. But of course I didn't know that wasn't on my radar because I had low emotional intelligence and didn't know it. I think I was emotionally mature. I didn't know it. You helped me tremendously in that regard and you were more emotionally mature than I thought, for sure, because back then you were more of a bro and you know it didn't? You didn't? You weren't the spitting image of emotional maturity. I'm still not. I'm still not, but you're. You know some amazing diamonds come in weird packages, you know. So I think that's true.

Speaker 2:

But when I saw your work ethic, I was a done deal for me. You, I would say your top five hardest working humans I've ever met in my life. That was what was more important to me than anything else, because I knew that I could help you with the awareness stuff and the organization and the perfectionism and all that other stuff. And again I digress. But the answer is you were definitely what I wanted work ethic to the point where I couldn't work with other people after that. You were, you were not. You were more of what I needed than I thought, on the emotional maturity and intelligence side, definitely. And then the character piece was what I really always wanted too. Now the last question is what do I want? What comes with that? Definitely, I don't think there's any huge downsides that I can think of. I would say organization has been a pain in the butt a little bit, but really not that bad. Yeah, it's pretty bad.

Speaker 1:

You've come way up, I've come way up. But it's not hard to go from negative two to zero. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 2:

I would say you were probably like a two or three, and now I think you're probably like a seven or eight.

Speaker 1:

Wow, yeah, I didn't ask that question so you could pump my tires. I appreciate it very much. I think it was different for me, where I knew I needed it but I didn't necessarily want it. It was almost like yeah, it makes sense. You know, in the early days I would when we're our first podcast studio is at Alan's mom's house I would drive over and Alan would be in his room with his earplugs on, with the heater on and it would be like 95 degrees and I would just like sit there and watch him work for a little while while I was waiting for him. It was always like I don't know about that. He's like it's a little strange. This is strange behavior. It makes sense now, but at the time that isn't necessarily what I wanted, but I think I knew I needed it and we always joke like Alan is late very often, but that's what comes with it. That just is kind of. That's one of the things. That's the pain in the butt part. Yeah.

Speaker 2:

And it just is. It is what it is, and I'm never, I'm never not doing something that I know will benefit us and our business.

Speaker 1:

And I'm usually very anxious. Mostly not. I'm overly anxious. I'm usually paranoid.

Speaker 2:

But again we've come to realize that's important, both sides are productive paranoia is one of the keys to business success, but we digress.

Speaker 1:

So well. I want to share that because I thought that would be a good little example for the audience, because this is a really you and I are a shining example of. I didn't know this is what I wanted. I did believe it was what I needed and I've always been willing to put up with whatever the potential perceived downsides are.

Speaker 1:

If you are in a relationship, be very honest with yourself, because it does. If you come back with the answer and you say what I want, is this? What I need is this, I don't feel like I'm getting one or I don't feel like I'm getting either. I feel like I'm getting everything. It doesn't mean you have to change everything and leave the person. It just creates the opportunity for awareness and maybe things will start to make sense. If maybe one of the reasons you don't feel supported is because you're not getting something that you want or need, but if you haven't sat down and this, let me go back.

Speaker 1:

One of the reasons I wanted to do this episode so much is because in the beginning of a relationship, I think that's what we're doing. We're looking like to check the box. Check the box. Check the box perverbially, not really Later, after you've grown, what you want and what you need might be completely different, and if you haven't checked in on in a year or two years, you've grown a lot and what you want and need might have changed too. So that's one of the reasons I wanted to do this episode, because I think as you grow and evolve and you change, what you need is different. What you want is different too, probably.

Speaker 2:

I didn't anticipate talking about this, but I think this is another one of the reasons why a lot of people don't set goals because the moment that you aim for something in the future, immediately every relationship in your life is either more fitting toward that goal or less fitting toward that goal. And so, if you for me, I'll just speak for myself. I had a lot of really, really great friendships in my first 25 years and after my car accident at 26, I aimed completely different. I changed my paradigm, I changed my life. I went on and on personal growth, I read every book I could get my hands on. I just transformed everything, and the reason why is cause I decided to go into the personal development industry, become a speaker, fitness model, all that stuff.

Speaker 2:

One of the things that was so painful about that is that everything I wanted and needed in my friendships changed immediately and I no longer. A lot of my friendships were no longer aligned, even though I still had so much love for them not all of them, but I still had so much love for a lot of them and hindsight, some of them were really, really cruel to me and just just bullies, honestly, and I'm never going to sugarcoat that. So that is possible for you to you know. Look around at your peer group and you know who are the people that are bullies. You know they just are unkind for no reason. They kind of knock you down for no reason. They don't want to see you win and flourish. And then there's other people that are are trying to support you, but maybe who they are isn't exactly what you need when you set this new goal, this new dream.

Speaker 2:

I think that's where Next Level Nation comes in our private Facebook group and book club and all stuff.

Speaker 2:

We are trying to create a community of people where what you want, what you need and and what comes with that are all aligned in this community to where you can achieve your goals and dreams and Be supported along that journey. Whereas the moment that you actually lean into your dreams and say I want to be a podcaster, I want to be a speaker or I want to be a writer or I want to be an actress or I want to be an actor or I want to be whatever insert, whatever future potential, you start believing in yourself and start aiming for Now, all of a sudden, the community that you need around you, this, the relationships that you need around you. It does, it shifts, and in hindsight there's no possibility that I could have achieved what we've achieved thus far with that same peer group. And, as harsh as that might sound, that is the Unpleasant truth, and so I think that one of the reasons why we don't go for our dreams is because we're so afraid to give up or lose or screw up our current relationships.

Speaker 1:

This is gonna be a bold statement Boldish. I guess. You hear a lot of people that take pride in the fact that they they still spend time with their day ones, the same ones, the, the people that were there since the beginning. I Think that it's more courageous To make sure you're growing rather than making sure you're keeping original people around. Same, I really do, because it's harder, it's harder, it's. It's not hard to pretend you're someone I mean, it is, but it I Would argue that it's in a. In the short run, it's harder to say, hey look, this isn't working. I Feel like I'm going in a different direction. I Think that's harder than saying, well, I'm just gonna pretend I'm someone else when I'm around this person. I'm not around them that much. I'll just pretend I'm someone else.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, one of them is way more courageous. Yes, I think being who you really are is the most courageous thing you can do, and I think it's the scariest thing you can do too, because you risk being ostracized from the, from your peer group, and I definitely was well.

Speaker 2:

You ended up in the right spot, sir. Thank you, brother. I feel that way, I do, and in hindsight it's very clear that that was gonna happen, no matter what anyway. So Someone asked me that recently. They said you know, do you have any regrets around that? And, and my regret is, I wish I had done it sooner. I know how harsh that might sound to some people, but the truth of the matter is is I was deeply unfulfilled because I wasn't being the full, authentic version of who I really am, and Now that I am I do, I do wish that I had been more courageous sooner, because one of the cool things that's gonna happen is some people are gonna pleasantly surprise you and they're gonna grow too, and that's really, really cool.

Speaker 1:

So, yeah, Next level nation. Six days from today, tuesday, october 10th, 6 pm Eastern time, we are starting our 12th round of group coaching. If you have heard me mention this every single day for the last however long, and it has Created some curiosity, at least check out the website. That way you can get more details. But with the discount code it ends up being $96 a month. So you're getting two calls. What's up? Group, the guidebook there's so many. I mean you're getting two calls for $96 a month, even if we just said that that's a really, really, really good investment, and I can't imagine a more valuable use of $46 or whatever. It is $49. So please join if you are interested. If you've missed out on the previous ones, do not miss out on this one. It will be closing in the next few days, obviously, because it's starting. Everything you need to know will be in the show notes. And then the discount code is NLUListner. All one word NLUListner.

Speaker 2:

That will also be in the show notes so you can just copy and paste that as well. I got an email from one of our listeners and it was her name and her email and she said I wanna join the monthly meetup on Thursday. Thank you so much, and so you can email me, alan at nextleveluniversecom, and you can give me your name and your email and I can register for you. Or you can click the link in the show notes and learn about monthly meetups. At the bottom there's gonna be a little form where you put your name and your email in and it automatically emails me. So this next monthly meetup is on Thursday. So when you're listening to this, if you're listening to it on the day that it came out, it's Wednesday, so it's gonna be tomorrow night, 6 pm Eastern Standard Time. And it's also about relationships, which is are you making these three relationship mistakes In hindsight?

Speaker 2:

In my life it is very, very clear that I might have been better at achievement and success. I was not very good at relationships and I was making these mistakes for sure. I now realize in hindsight that when I don't have a 10 out of 10 level relationship with you, me and I, when we have a tough moment and we're not good. I have a really hard time performing, I have a really hard time being productive, I have a really hard time being certain, and so, if you're like me, do not screw up your relationships, because that's the foundation that you build the rest of your life on. So we're gonna help you with that. Again. Thursday, october 5th, 6 pm, eastern Standard Time. The link to register will be in the show notes.

Speaker 1:

Tomorrow for episode number 1480, we're creeping up on 1500. It does not seem like we're ever gonna get there. It seems like we've been in the quicksand of the 1400s forever, but we're almost there. Do you recognize how much you've grown? One of the most powerful pieces of growth also potential downsides is sometimes it takes us looking back to see how far we've come. You know I love doing episodes on perspective and it's just one of my favorite things, so we're gonna do an episode on that tomorrow. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you, and at NLU we do not have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow.

Speaker 2:

We will talk to you tomorrow. Thanks for watching.

People on this episode

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Alan Lazaros

Host
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Kevin Palmieri

Host