Next Level University

#1484 - Why Being Vulnerable Is So Hard

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

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Remember the first time you opened up to someone, revealing your deepest fears and aspirations? That sheer terror yet cathartic relief that's the power of vulnerability. In this episode, hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros discuss the importance of practicing vulnerability, especially during good times, to help build resilience for the more challenging moments that life inevitably throws our way. Vulnerability in relationships is a process, not a one-time event. It requires continuous practice and a nurturing environment. Over time, this process helps foster vulnerability in our relationships, making them more robust and meaningful.

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Show notes: 
[3:10] Why vulnerability is hard
[8:10] What does vulnerability mean?
[10:34] Janine talks about how valuable Group Coaching is, what her takeaway is, and why she thinks you should take the leap
[11:12] Growing up with little vulnerability
[15:30] Vulnerability is subjective
[17:30] Be who you really are
[19:46] Outro


Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

Speaker 1:

Next level nation. Welcome back to another episode of next level university, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. We hope you enjoyed our latest episode. It was episode number 1483. What's the most powerful thing you've learned about yourself recently? Today, for episode number 1484 why being vulnerable is so hard?

Speaker 1:

I was on a podcast recently and really this has kind of been an analogy example story I've been using. Usually I tell my story about how I grew up without a father, decided not to go to college, worked a bunch of odd jobs after high school, ended up getting a Financially lucrative job in my early 20s and I still ended up sitting on the edge of a bed having suicidal ideations In my mid-20s. So I usually go through that, that full story, just so people understand how this is all happened, and I always get to the point where I say so I reached out to Alan and I said, hey, man, this is how I'm feeling, this is what I'm dealing with. I don't know what to do right at this point. Alan was kind of mentoring me, low-key, behind the scenes, and Alan said many things. But in his wisdom he said over the last few years your awareness has changed a ton, but your environments have remained the same. I think it's time for you to change your environment. Something like that.

Speaker 1:

And one of the questions I get asked very often is how did you be so vulnerable with Alan? And For a long time I didn't really know how to answer. It's like I don't know. I just did. I just was Alan. I knew each other at a pretty deep level and what I. I kept thinking about it because I want to. I want it to be a valuable answer, because I think there's a lot of people that have been in that position.

Speaker 1:

I now say you do not build the umbrella during the storm. You build the umbrella long before it starts raining so you can use it when it does. All I mean by that is one of the reasons vulnerability is so hard. It's almost like you get to the point eventually where you tap into a moment and realize, oh, I really need vulnerability right now, but I haven't acquired the skill or practice the skill over the last 15 years. For me, it's not like I had to be super vulnerable in that moment with you. I just had to tell you how I was feeling. I have done that many times at that point. So it wasn't really vulnerable for me because I felt safe doing it, I'm sure in the very beginning.

Speaker 1:

One of the other questions I asked Alan early on was hey man, I have $15,000 in my bank account and I have a $7,000 credit card balance. Should I pay that off? And he said what's your interest rate? And I said like 20 something percent and he's like, do you have enough money? I said yeah, no, I still have like seven grand in the bank. He said yeah, what the hell are you doing? Yeah, you should pay it off Nicer than that. But I'm sure at that point maybe that was a vulnerable question for me to ask.

Speaker 1:

So what I really want this episode to be about is vulnerability is hard to the level that you've avoided it. It's almost like as life gets more challenging and we practice vulnerability less, it actually gets harder to be vulnerable later on. So that's part one and then part two being vulnerable is hard if you have people around you that you don't feel safe with. It's almost like it's a good example of this. You could come up with the best fast food restaurant idea in the world, but if you put it in the wrong place, like say you live in a let's just say, hypothetically there's a state that is completely vegan and there's no meat eaters in that state and you come up with this amazing barbecue restaurant and it's awesome, it's a great idea and if it went somewhere else it might be super successful. It's not gonna do well there, it's gonna bomb. So the environment is dictating the results. I think vulnerability is very similar, where if you don't feel comfortable around someone, it's even more resistance. So I would say the right person makes vulnerability easier, the wrong person makes it nearly impossible. And I think that's another important thing.

Speaker 1:

A lot of us, our relationships, aren't built on vulnerability. We don't have necessarily a vulnerable relationship with our parents. We don't have a vulnerable relationship with our friends. That's been a very now I understand the male friends I do have in my life. The more vulnerable we are with each other, the closer we are.

Speaker 1:

I've always had that saying, not always. I've had that saying for the last, however, many years. I believe the level of your relationships is directly connected to the level of vulnerability in them. I think one of the reasons you and I are so close is because I actually know who you are behind the scenes and I know how you feel and I know what you're afraid of and I know your triggers and your traumas. That's important too.

Speaker 1:

So I would say the two big reasons that we'll touch on here. One we don't plan for the need to be vulnerable when we're not. So just to tie that up with a bow, hopefully right now you might feel like you're crushing it 10 out of 10. Right, you feel confident. You feel confident. Things are going really, really well. You should be practicing vulnerability now, because it's going to be easier. It'll be easier now than when your back is up against the wall and that's the only tool you have. And then part two with the right people, I think vulnerability is easier with the wrong people. I think it is. I don't want to say impossible, but it might feel impossible.

Speaker 2:

So Kevin and I are a pain. A quick picture here. I always like to share an origin story of where this all started. I want to say it was in the hundreds or the two hundreds I forget when, but our very first studio was actually my sister's old bedroom, way, way, way back in the early, hyper conscious podcast days, and I remember Kevin and Taryn were dating. I don't I know that you weren't married at the time, I don't know if you were just starting dating or what, but you two, I think, yeah, I think you were official at that point Facebook official and you had watched Brené Brown's Netflix special on vulnerability, which I've recommended not the Netflix special, because I haven't seen it.

Speaker 2:

I can't recommend something I haven't seen, but I do recommend the power of vulnerability. It's on audible, it's an audio program and there's six hour long sessions. They're unreasonably good, super, super important. The reason I'm sharing this, though, is because it Kevin and I are sitting there in the studio and we're doing an episode. We used to have these episodes called small talks, and we would pick a word and we would go deeper on, deep on it. Invulnerability was one of the words, and I remember I told Kev on that episode vulnerably that I had never. I didn't even know what it was and you were talking. You opened the episode with you know, taren, and I watched this Netflix special with Brené Brown about vulnerability and I said what does vulnerability even mean? And it's so interesting to me now, as an almost 35 year old man who vulnerability is such a critical part of my life.

Speaker 2:

Now Emilia and I do relationship talks, virtual events. We have a podcast called the conscious couples podcast. All these events that we do, all these podcast episodes that we do. You know how to make your relationship flourish. You know how to not fight in your relationship, how to communicate better in your relationship, how to deepen the intimacy in your relationship, how to have deeper emotional connection in your relationship. All these how to, episodes, events, all of them are vulnerability, dude the trust, communication, vulnerability those I mean, if you want a flourishing relationship, friendship, intimate relationship, family, you name it. Those are the three communication, trust and vulnerability. And every single event.

Speaker 2:

We were on a walk last night preparing for not next week's event, but the week after. It's our 27th event and it's like how do we talk about something different than vulnerability? Because a lot of our attendees come to these events repeatedly and we don't want to be saying the same exact thing every time. But what's you know? We sit there and we ask okay, the name of the event is how to have deeper emotional connection in your relationship. Okay, awesome, we're sitting there brainstorming what we want to talk about and I'm sitting there going. We just talked about vulnerability last event. Is there any way to have deeper emotional connection in your intimate relationship without vulnerability? Okay, well, I guess that's going to be one of the points.

Speaker 2:

So if you're like me and you didn't know what vulnerability was for the first 25 years of your life, 28 years, 27 years, whatever first quarter of your life, then you're in for a treat. If you're not like me and you were not in your childhood emotionally immature, then you know what vulnerability is and you probably practice it. But do the people in your life practice it? Because in hindsight I look back and you know just high level here grew up in an environment with very little vulnerability. I think my mom showed some, but my sister and stepdad showed none. Then my friends definitely not, especially my male friends. Vulnerability is not statistically a male quality, unfortunately. And then, working at a golf course? Absolutely not, right Zero. You know it's all status, no, no vulnerability. And then you go into corporate and I remember I worked for a company that had 90% men and so in hindsight it's very clear vulnerability was not only not something I was aware of, not something that was on my radar, but not something that I saw modeled in my environment very well. And so we all look back on our lives and, on next level, university, we're constantly reflecting, and Kevin and I are not just here to talk about our past, to talk about our experiences, to talk about ourselves. We're here to reflect with you as a listener, and when we reflect back on our lives and I hope you're doing the same, if you're watching or viewing this but you look back and go okay, was vulnerability on my radar? Okay, no, not really. Was it unconsciously on my radar? Was it modeled that? I have anyone in my life who really showcased vulnerability? Okay, not really, but most likely you probably don't feel super safe to be vulnerable, and maybe that's the third question. This is my next little nugget, which is a question which is how safe did you feel growing up to be vulnerable?

Speaker 2:

Very last part of this, I was on the phone yesterday with a NLUT member and her husband is struggling to be vulnerable. It doesn't do well with his emotions. He really is, in my opinion, slightly emotionally immature and again, I know that sounds unkind, but I'm saying first that I was too so guilty as charged. Now she was crying with me behind the scenes about some things, a couple of things that he said that he didn't mean to hurt her, but he did XYZ. Now I said did you show him the level of vulnerability that you just showed me, like, does he know? Does he see you cry like this? And she said no, not really, but I don't really feel safe to be vulnerable.

Speaker 2:

And I said what if you could be vulnerable? What if you could show him how much he's affecting you, because he's not going to transform and change if he doesn't know that you're hurt. So what if you and now don't get me wrong if you do this and it doesn't go well, that's a possibility. That is a possibility. Maybe he is unkind to you when you're, you know, kick you while you're down, type of thing. I don't think that's the case, though I said, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised with how much he transforms when you show him how much he's unintentionally hurting you. And what's ironic and this happens for all of us is you're expecting him to try to come up in vulnerability, but yet you're not willing to model it. And I get why because the places we need vulnerability the most are usually the places where it's the hardest. And that goes back to Kevin's original point, which is you have to practice with training wheels first. So who's the person in your life who you feel like you can be vulnerable with practice there, and then you just get good at it. You just eventually are.

Speaker 2:

I cried my eyes out on a team huddle, I think, like for like a half an hour. It was quite obnoxious, but I didn't start there. I didn't start there. That was six years of practice leading to that one moment and it was uncomfortable, but not really. Plus, it is the NLU team, so I feel really safe there. So, yeah, you got to practice it, and it's a staircase, don't try to. No one's going to start there. You know what I mean? I didn't either. So same Same.

Speaker 1:

If I get a lot of that. I get a lot of compliments around being vulnerable on other podcasts and I always say you have to understand, vulnerability is subjective. For me, telling my story is not vulnerable. I've done it so many times, it's just normal for me. It doesn't trigger me to tell that story, so it's not necessarily as vulnerable for me as you might think and that's just because, to Alan's point, I've practiced it enough Practice, practice, practice, practice, practice. So I think that's it's one of those things that experience Experience is always going to outweigh the studying of it. You can study vulnerability forever.

Speaker 1:

I remember the first time before I went snowboarding, I watched YouTube videos on how to snowboard and then when I got on the snowboard, I was like those didn't help. I don't know if those helped me at all. Those might have actually made it worse. You can't, really you can't watch a YouTube video on how to swim. You can get ideas and it's almost like you can get guardrails, but when you jump in the pool you got to feel it. You have to feel it for yourself and I think vulnerability is another good example of that. That would be my next love nugget. What is your next love nugget? You asked the question, but is there another or is that the one?

Speaker 2:

I think the reason people think you're vulnerable and compliment you on that is because what you're sharing, the depth that you're sharing your own heart, for them would be very uncomfortable, just like and it's an interesting analogy, but just like if I see someone squatting 4.15, I'm wildly blown away, even though that might not even be a good day for them. But that's just insane to me because I'm not close to that level yet and I think vulnerability is the same way. So Kevin and I are pretty consistently complimented on him more than me but on our level of vulnerability, I think, statistically speaking, men tend to be less vulnerable Rub some dirt in it, type of stuff that we grew up with. The tough, stoic man with no tears. Real men don't feel. You know, it's funny.

Speaker 2:

My next love nugget would be practice being. I think the most vulnerable thing is being who you really are. For some reason that's the scariest, because then, when we get attacked or hurt or disappoint others or whatever going back to the last episode that's when it hurts the most, because that's who we really are and I think we're all insecure about who we really are and I think the level that you overcome that insecurity will be the extent to which you are vulnerable and courageous. That's it.

Speaker 1:

All right, another heavy one, back to back heavy ones. I enjoy these episodes, though. Again, we do achievement and success and external and track your habits and all that stuff, but we want to make sure we're doing holistic in terms of internal and external. Somebody asked me recently what does holistic mean to you guys, and I said three dimensional. It means life overall, but love, health and wealth. You get better at all those, not just externally, internally, because everything is an internal, external connection.

Speaker 1:

Next elimination Friendly reminder tomorrow is the first call for the 12th round of group coaching. So it's Monday. If you're listening to this, if you have not locked your spot and you want to, please do. The code NLU listener will still work and it will give you 30% off the total purchase price. It'll end up being $96.60 per month for the program and each month you're going to end up getting four calls. You're going to be part of a private WhatsApp group. You're going to have access to the workbook. It's amazing.

Speaker 1:

So, as Alan mentioned in the previous episode, I cannot imagine a more valuable experience for less money, and it is set up so we can help as many people as possible. So if you've been interested and you haven't been able to get in, please let us know. You can sign up right on the website and if you have done it in the past and want to do it again, I can guarantee a lot of things have changed. Tomorrow for episode number 1,478, how aligned is your grind? There's a lot going on on the social media channels and the social media world about not working hard and only doing what you want. As you know, heart driven but no BS. Here at NLU, we're going to hopefully take a heart driven but no BS approach to that topic tomorrow. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you, and at NLU we get out of fans, we have family. We'll talk to you all tomorrow.

Speaker 2:

Stay your true self Next overnight. Bye.

People on this episode

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Alan Lazaros

Host
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Kevin Palmieri

Host