Next Level University

#1486 - Are You Self-Sabotaging Your Own Success?

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

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Imagine standing on the edge of an unfamiliar terrain, fear gripping and holding you back. We've all been there at some point in our lives, standing on the precipice of an opportunity but held back by our fears. In this podcast episode,  hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros discuss overcoming fear and self-sabotage. They discuss that acknowledging these fears was the first step towards empowering ourselves to step into our full potential. Overcoming self-sabotage is a journey in itself. It requires self-awareness and understanding of our fears and what motivates us to take action.

Links mentioned:
Next Level Nation - https://www.facebook.com/groups/459320958216700 
Learn more about group coaching: https://nextleveluniverse.com/group-coaching/
Discount Code: NLULISTENER

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Alan: https://www.instagram.com/alazaros88/

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Show notes: 
[3:15] What can you say to yourself to get out of your comfort zone?
[7:03] Underneath action and inaction is fear
[12:36] Bonnie shares her experience with Next Level Group Coaching and the positive impact it made on her life
[13:50] Fear is an explanation, not an excuse
[17:30] Fear-setting
[21:41] Outro

Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

Speaker 1:

Next level nation. Welcome back to another episode of next level university, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. We hope you enjoyed our latest episode, episode number 1485. How aligned is your grind? It's nice today for episode number 1486.

Speaker 1:

Are you self-sabotaging your own success? So if you're listening to this, it's on Wednesday, today's Wednesday, which means last night, we had our first call for our 12th round of group coaching and Alan and I have a lot of conversations Around group coaching when it's getting filled because people have a lot of questions and a lot of people say reach out to me in the future when you have another group and we'll do that. And one of the common things we've seen is a lot of people are unintentionally self-sabotaging their success by allowing the blocks that they have internally to stop them from Chasing something that might bring them more external success. And this is my, and Alan has a story, he's gonna have a story about that. But here's my thought If Alan, okay, let's do this.

Speaker 1:

Five years ago, six years ago, alan came to me and said hey, kev, we should go to this Brendan Burchard event. Somebody from his team reached out and offered us free tickets to go. And I said who is Brendan Burchard and what is this event about? And he said well, it's in Arizona and it's a self-improven event. Brendan Burchard wrote this book. He's interviewed these people. This is his website, this is his Instagram profile. We should be there.

Speaker 1:

And I remember thinking, no, I don't think so, I don't want to go, I don't, I don't want to go, and here's a list of reasons why we're broke. I don't want to fly across the country, all of those things. The big reason was I was terrified To be outside of my comfort zone and in a room with people who I didn't belong with. It was Alan's job to get me to go, because he knew it would be what was best for me, and I was, with my fear and my excuses, self sabotage, sabotaging my own success. So here's my question for you Next time you get an opportunity to do something that you know would benefit you in the long term, what could you say to yourself?

Speaker 1:

to help yourself get over the excuses that you're making a Very hard question, but as you start to understand yourself at a deeper level and your self-awareness raises, I think you kind of know what buttons to push mine now would be. Your future self will thank you for this, and it's not about what you learn from the people on stage, it's what you learn about yourself being in the room. That, for me, is like that's a hundred percent true. My future self has always thanked so my current self thinks my past self, slash past Alan for making me go. I learned more about myself than I learned from the content. That would be the thing that I would say to myself to break down that excuse. So for you, next time you have an opportunity to lean into growth, what are the excuses that just come up naturally that are self-sabotaging you from reaching that next level of success?

Speaker 2:

At the risk of sounding too cliche here, the reason why you're not taking whatever action it is, whether it's going to high performance Academy Brennan brashard's event that Kevin just referenced, or doing group coaching, or buying that book, or Taking that course, or going back to school, or starting that podcast. Whatever it is, at the root is uncertainty, and that uncertainty is always created by fear. The problem is is that we don't really know what the fear is. I Told kev that what I wanted to share on this episode is when I was younger and I first started to become a speaker, I Was convinced that I wasn't afraid of speaking, and it's because I'm not afraid of speaking I'm not afraid of speaking itself what I am afraid of in hindsight. Remember, kev, you interviewed me probably three months ago now, something like that.

Speaker 2:

One of your questions was something along the lines of what do you now understand that you didn't understand? And I said that I'm deeply fearful Because I never considered myself a fearful person. I Didn't, you know, struggle with a lot of the fears other people had. It's like you know, apply to a hundred jobs, you'll probably get ten interviews and you'll bomb most of the interviews, but you'll get one of the jobs Right. I had an interview at SpaceX. I wasn't afraid of that interview, I wasn't.

Speaker 2:

Now Looking back now, from this new lens of awareness, this new understanding, I wasn't afraid of the interview, I Wasn't afraid of the speeches, I wasn't afraid to not be good enough. What I am afraid of is being attacked, being disliked, being ridiculed, particularly when it comes to someone attacking my character. So what happens is we have these protectors, these parts of us that I'm not gonna go too in depth about, but essentially, let's say you have perfectionism. A lot of people do, I definitely do. What that really is is a protector, stopping you From someone attacking you, essentially, in advance, we have these proactive measures that get ignited. So when you say no to group coaching and then you rationalize it of, oh, it's too expensive or whatever, when in reality, okay, it's too expensive. So so why? Why is that a problem? Well, because I don't have any money. It's like well, why is that a problem? Because If I don't have any money, then blank. That's where the fear lives. Then I'm gonna be made fun of, or my husband or my partner is gonna be mad that I invested in this program when we are struggling to pay for whatever. So underneath every inaction is fear and, ironically, underneath every action is also fear. Why does Kevin always show up to this podcast and why do Kevin and I never miss an episode? Because we are more afraid to not show up for our listeners and keep the promise that we've made to ourselves and to each other and to our Community. Then we are of showing up. That's what it is.

Speaker 2:

So Desires, I believe, which is what we shoot for, what we go for, are actually the polar opposite of our deepest fears. My deepest fear was ending up alone. I was never particularly great at relationships. I didn't understand why. I never felt like an easily likable person and deep, deep, deep down, I was afraid to be unlovable. I was afraid to not be accepted and loved for who I really am. So what did I do. I hid who I really was like all of us do to some extent and then got upset when people didn't know who I really was. And it's this whole thing.

Speaker 2:

Ever since I met Emilia, I really do believe that I can succeed in a relationship. I believe in our relationship more than I believe in anything ever, whereas in past relationships, deep down, I didn't believe. I was like I don't know if this is going to be able to work. You know, that's got to be one of the reasons why I never got married, because I remember one of my ex-girlfriends' families pressuring me and I was like no, I want to wait. I want to wait until my mid-30s. I want to wait until my mid-30s, and I since have done that. But with Emilia, I believe in us, I believe in our relationship, but before that I was afraid to be alone and that was driving a lot of my decisions.

Speaker 2:

And so, if you can just unlayer and unlayer and unlayer, what are you afraid of? What are you afraid of? Why aren't you doing group coaching? There's a part of you that's like I should totally do this, just like there was a part of Kev I should totally go to High Performance Academy. But there's this other part that says no, no, too much money, too much pain in the butt, too much travel, blah, blah, blah. And if we didn't go to that event, a lot would be different. We met a lot of magnificent people there. You came back thinking the world of yourself, which was awesome. I say that jokingly, because Kev came back with a little bit of an ego, but at least it was better than not believing in yourself.

Speaker 1:

Definitely.

Speaker 2:

And so for our listeners. I wasn't afraid of the speech. I was afraid of the ridicule. I was afraid of my mom overhearing what I share. I was afraid of the negative comments on social media or my friends reaching out saying that's not what happened. I wasn't afraid of the speech. I was afraid of all these other things that are byproducts of the speech, and I think that that's why we get so messed with and why we don't take action.

Speaker 1:

I had a very challenging call today. So, tapping back into when I shared my probably my biggest core fear is disappointing people. Probably my biggest trigger, and it was a call about some things that aren't going as smoothly as the client wants. It's actually the marketing director of the company, so that's the whole other thing that I never thought I'd be saying. But I had a moment where I finished up being on a podcast and I looked at the clock and I was like boy that calls in like 15 minutes, geez.

Speaker 1:

I don't want to do this. This is going to suck. I don't want to do this at all. I don't. This is the last thing in the world I want to do. And we end up it gets there and I log in and the guy logs in and he's an awesome dude too, so it's not. It's nothing against him.

Speaker 1:

But he said yeah, I think I actually solved the problem, we made some changes. He's like we probably didn't even need to have this call, but it was on the calendar. I figured we connect and see what's going on. So he said how's everything? And I was like business is growing a ton and all this blah, blah, blah. He's like I have nothing but nothing but empathy for all the resistance we're having right now, because I know what it's like to grow that fast. And he said one of the things I always appreciate about you is your growth mindset around improvement. I was like, thanks, man, I appreciate that very much.

Speaker 1:

And I would have lost that quote, unquote success if I didn't take the call. I would have self sabotaged myself into saying, hey, man, I'm not feeling well because I'm not. I feel like garbage. It would have been very convenient for me not to have to do that call today. But I would have lost out on that compliment that who knows what that's going to do for me, the fact that I logged into that meeting and it sucked and I was scared to do it, but the result went way better than I expected. That's a lesson, that's a life lesson that I get to use forever.

Speaker 1:

But there was that part of me, that very simple, human part of me, that said there's a button right there. It's like you're sick, just hit it. Just hit it. You just hit it, just hit the you're sick button and we'll we don't even worry about it, he'll understand completely. And here's the, here's the messed up thing. If I messaged him and said, hey, I'm not feeling well, he would have messaged me back and said, honestly, we don't need to do the call because the problem's already solved. And I would have missed out on connecting with him and getting that feedback. He probably wouldn't have said it. He wouldn't have had to say it because we wouldn't have talked. So the excuse that the excuses we have are really good we have really good excuses, but not all the excuses that we have are serving us. Maybe sometimes they are, if somebody invites you out and you don't want to go, go ahead. What do you got for me? What did you say? Excuse.

Speaker 2:

Some excuses are to explain, but that doesn't make them valid or something. What was it?

Speaker 1:

So this wasn't my post. This was somebody else's post, but it was. It was about trauma. It said trauma is an explanation, not an excuse, Right? So I don't know if that really connects to this, but maybe we'll do an episode on that at some point. That was a very valuable point.

Speaker 2:

Fear same deal. Fear is an explanation, but not an excuse.

Speaker 1:

Yes.

Speaker 2:

Just because you're afraid of sharks doesn't mean you never go to the beach again.

Speaker 1:

Well, it might be because it does, well, you don't go to the water.

Speaker 2:

But you and I were in Florida and we went in the water.

Speaker 1:

Well, I was thinking that we were both heavier set at that point and if the shark was really looking for the best bang for his buck, he was going to take you that was my thought You're presupposing that sharks are very opportunistic hunters. I let you go out further than me.

Speaker 2:

Oh, for sure.

Speaker 1:

I didn't want to see you go, but if I had to pick one of us, I would have to be you. If I had to pick one of us, I don't want to but it would be pretty selfish of myself to say just take me.

Speaker 2:

But that's the irrationality of fear, though. Only one shark death per year out of 338 million people in the United States. Again, that's just a US stat. I know we have a global audience, but the point is it's irrational. You're much more likely to get hurt by your car that you get in every day, but fears are irrational and we self sabotage because of it. We're all conditioned. We're conditioned to avoid pain.

Speaker 2:

You got made fun of in middle school for whatever and now you still avoid being found out for that thing. You know we had a moment where we were vulnerable or we were imperfect or and we got made fun of, we got bullied, whatever, and we just stopped allowing and showing that part of ourselves. I tell the story about. Emilia asked me earlier. She said she showed me three different digital assets of mathematics basically every modality of mathematics not in existence, but a lot of them, and there was three different digital assets. She said which of these is accurate?

Speaker 2:

I said one of them ones was really, really good. It was like a tree that was branching outward. I'm not gonna get into it. The point is, when I was young I remember one of my friends saying you can do one-tenth of the effort and get ten times the result, and it pisses me off and I remember being like is it not good to be, to be smart? This is one of my favorite people in the world and she's mad at me because, because I'm smarter than her. And the truth is I am smarter than her. I always knew that I care about her deeply. Still doesn't matter to me, but it mattered to her and it almost wasn't okay.

Speaker 2:

It was like okay, if I keep showing I'm convinced. That's why I didn't put a lot of effort in. You know, I don't feel like I had to. I could get away with studying very little and still still doing well. But I wish that I hadn't allowed that, because I think when I was a kid I decided people aren't gonna like me if I'm too much smarter than them, and so I exiled that part of me and I hid it in and I dimmed it and I avoided it and I whatever, and even when you really ask me math questions, it's very triggering sometimes for me because I don't want her to feel dumb.

Speaker 2:

You know she doesn't, which is good, because she's not insecure about her intelligence whatsoever. If she was, we would be in some serious trouble, yeah. But whatever, it is about you, when you were a kid, you got you. I'm telling you, every one of us has these parts of us that we hit away. We just were like, oh, not safe to be this, not okay to be this, made fun of for this. Kevin talks about his pit stain story.

Speaker 1:

I got pit stains right now, I think there you go, he's showing them off.

Speaker 2:

Right, show them off.

Speaker 1:

Sorry, sorry if you didn't want to see that, but that is, it is.

Speaker 2:

That's one of my insecurities, so I figured, but it's all, just let it fly yeah, we're all uncertain underneath and it's all fear and it comes from, usually trauma or pain, and we're all working really hard to avoid pain. So, instead of now is not the time for group coaching, or now is not the time for high performance Academy, or now is not the time for this course or that, that new opportunity or that interview, whatever it is, what if it's just fear underneath all that? And what if that fear is irrational? And what if you just sat with it and went, oh okay, that's what I'm afraid of. Okay, well, it's called fear setting. Kevin and I have talked about this in the past in group coaching. Fear setting is basically okay, what's the worst that could happen in the ocean? Okay, worst-case scenario one of us gets eaten by a shark.

Speaker 1:

Okay, maybe you don't go in, that's worse, worst-case scenario is it's me obviously right, yeah but worst-case scenario signing up for group coaching, you reach out to Kevin and I.

Speaker 2:

You say, listen, this isn't good and and you dip, you leave. Worst-case scenario is you say something vulnerable and you get triggered and you have some painful moments because you're facing some unpleasant truths from your past and you work through it. A lot of fears are rational and and the self-sabotage part of you everyone has it and I really mean that everyone has it, including me. And when you can identify that that's what's happening, all of a sudden you can go oh, let's go to the event, screw it, let's do it, we did it we did it, we did it.

Speaker 1:

It's either you're either self-sabotaging yourself from success because of the fear of success, or yourself sabotaging yourself from success because of the fear of failure. That's it, so those two things. I know well said and again, I appreciate it. There's, I'm, there's obviously more to it. That's layer one. But think about it if you're afraid of failure, you're holding yourself back from success. If you're afraid of success, you're holding yourself back from success. Yep so.

Speaker 2:

So we all live in this little comfort zone, just not not enough of a failure to where we're seen as a failure by our peers, but not enough of a success to get ostracized from the group either. We stay in this little pendulum comfort zone, all of us, and that's why, when you change your peers, you change your life. That's why group coaching so powerful. Now you're not gonna be afraid to be vulnerable. Now you're not gonna be afraid to talk about your struggles. Now you're not gonna be afraid to celebrate your successes, because you're in a group of people where it's safe and celebrated to do that strong work next level nation.

Speaker 1:

If you strong work, you strong work back at you next level nation. Yeah, you better watch it. We have a private Facebook group and you should be in it.

Speaker 2:

Go ahead.

Speaker 1:

That's all I have to say about that. That was it.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it's called next little nature From Forrest Gump, and that's all I have to say about that. That's all I have to say about that.

Speaker 1:

Yes, what am I talking about? Group coaching, I don't know. Yeah, group coaching is great, but club we have a lot of cool things going on in NLU.

Speaker 2:

We do. If you missed out on group 12, and I know that there were some people that did we actually have 12 members of group 12 because there was a few people that we talked to them about group 12 and then we wanted to make sure they still got in, because a lot of people signed up last minute. Anyways, the point is, if you want in on group 13, reach out to myself. Alan at nextleveluniversecom say hey, I want to lock my spot for group 13. The website will be updated soon. Until then, I'll put you on a list and make sure that we lock your spot.

Speaker 1:

And if you're scared of Alan, you can reach out to me as well. Facts, I am friendly and I check my emails every day. Same. Just a couple of things about me. All right, we're going to go tomorrow for episode number 1487. Make more time to practice your passions. I had a very, very interesting thought, based on a message that I saw from my past that gave me the inspo for that episode. So we will do that tomorrow. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you, and at NLU we are fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow.

Speaker 2:

Stop self sabotaging. Next level nation Wow, strong work.

Speaker 1:

Wow.

People on this episode

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Alan Lazaros

Host
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Kevin Palmieri

Host