Next Level University

#1508 - 1 Powerful Practice To Help With Social Anxiety

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

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Are social gatherings a nightmare for you? Today hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros talk about how to navigate through the discomfort and fear associated with social anxiety and use these situations as platforms for personal growth. Building rapport based on similar core emotions, values, beliefs, and aspirations can be a great way to feel more comfortable in social settings. Whether grappling with social anxiety or just curious about it, understanding the power of vulnerability, connection, and authenticity can transform your perspective. Our fears and anxieties can be transformed into opportunities for growth and self-improvement, leading to a healthier and more fulfilling life.

Links mentioned:
Next Level Monthly Meetup - https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/monthly-meetups/
Next Level Nation - https://www.facebook.com/groups/459320958216700

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We love connecting with you guys! Reach out on LinkedIn, Instagram, or via email.

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Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/neverquitkid/
Alan: https://www.instagram.com/alazaros88/

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Alan@nextleveluniverse.com

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Show notes:
[0:00] Intro
[1:56] Someone who is the same
[7:10] When you're others conscious, you're less self-conscious
[10:24] Janine talks about how valuable Group Coaching is, what her takeaway is, and why she thinks you should take the leap
[12:10] Uncomfortable at anxious place
[14:55] Greater fear of judgment 
[15:58] Trauma response
[19:07] The extent of the swing
[21:31] Outro

Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

Speaker 1:

Next level nation. Welcome back to another episode of next level university, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. We hope you enjoyed our latest episode. It was episode number 1,507 how to turn your limiting beliefs into empowering ones. Today, for episode number 1,508, happy Thursday, one powerful practice to help with social anxiety.

Speaker 1:

So I I Don't know if I would identify as much as I used to with having social anxiety, but I definitely get anxious and public when I don't know anyone and I'm by myself and there's that weird. Do I belong here? Do I fit in? Not, how do I talk to these people? Definitely, how do I introduce myself to these people? So I would say this is probably something I experience more than you might guess Whether you watch or listen to this podcast.

Speaker 1:

So, as I mentioned previously, I Sent Alan a text message a couple weeks ago, probably a week ago, and I said hey, man, we were talking about bucket list stuff on the podcast and you're mentioning how for Emilia going to New Hampshire was. That was like a bucket list thing where you guys went and I feel like going back to Brazilian jiu-jitsu for me as bucket list. I don't know how to explain it. But I think I need to do it and you said if it's bucket list man, you're gonna do it eventually. Might as well do it now. So I went back a couple days later. So I went last Sunday. You go and there's an intro class that just kind of walks you through what to expect and you do the warm-ups. You know how it all goes and you can get information. Now I've done the warm-up before, because a lot of jiu-jitsu places have similar warm-ups and I have a deeper understanding. Then maybe a regular beginner because I've done it in the past.

Speaker 2:

But plus don't you watch UFC, and they do a lot of jiu-jitsu.

Speaker 1:

They do, but there's a big difference between watching it and then knowing the fundamentals that help you get there. So it helps. I think it helps you Familiarize yourself, but there is it's different. It's just different when you're doing it yourself. It's just definitely different.

Speaker 1:

Yeah. So I show up at 8, 25 prompt for my 830 intro class and Classic. Of course I'm there. Classic Kevin, yeah, I'm there early of course. And I go inside and there's this, this kid, johnny, who's been doing jiu-jitsu. He's 20. He's been doing it since he was four years old, so, safe to say, he's a bit ahead of me by just a little bit, just a wee bit, and he was going to be our instructor. He was gonna be the person doing the intro, nice, and he said let's just give it a couple minutes Just in case somebody else comes.

Speaker 1:

And I say, yeah, yeah, whatever man, and we're, we're having a conversation. And this other guy walks in and his name is also Kevin, and Kevin was asking me about my experience and I was asking him about his, and we had a conversation and we, we got along really well. So we do the intro class together and we're we're bonding and we're building a relationship and now we're buddies. And Then we go into what is the real class. So the real class is the head instructor comes in and he teaches you a fundamental. You find a partner, you practice the fundamental on the partner and you pretty much spend the entire class with the person that you're partnered up with. So I went with Kevin. I was like I know this guy.

Speaker 1:

I've already other weight classes in this, and does that matter? Not when it comes to drilling, no, but when I do competitions. Yeah, yeah, it's like pretty much. I think it's like 10 pound weight classes. So I'll be in the 169 to 179 unless I know what you ate yesterday.

Speaker 1:

No, I'm gonna. I'm gonna work around this like when I do this, I'm gonna die it and I'm gonna try to be as light as I can and as strong as I can. But my thought was it's intimidating. It's intimidating going to a gym where everybody knows each other and you don't know anybody and You're about to and this is not an exaggeration you are about to wrap your legs around another human being and get your sweat all over them. That is a pretty intimate Experience. I mean, that's a weird thing to do when you haven't met this people, these people, before. Definitely I did. I wanted to do it with Kevin because I knew him. We spent time together. This is my buddy. Now I have his number. He's got my. My number he's in my phone is Kevin BJJ. We were talking today. That is my hack. For what? My practice? I don't want to call it a hack because I think that it doesn't make pro tip.

Speaker 1:

That's the powerful practice to help with social anxiety find someone who is as nervous as you are. When we, when we hang out with people, we hang out with people when we get along with people Based on similar core values, core beliefs and core aspirations. I would say based on similar core emotions too, our core emotions were we kind of feel like outsiders. We're gonna stick together with the person that we feel like we know at a deeper level. And this gym is super welcoming, super warm, super inclusive. So I ended up making a few friends, which I'm grateful for, but I still was nervous, I still was anxious, I still was afraid to be stuck on the outside.

Speaker 1:

Next time you go somewhere I did this at the, at the wedding I went to recently I Identify one person who I think feels similar to the way I feel and then I try to befriend them. That's kind of the way I get through social situations. When I'm at a wedding where it's all of Terence friend, I know two people. I try to find someone who I also think. I think this guy's having a similar experience to me. He doesn't seem to know anyone. Let me befriend him and then I can talk to him for the rest of the night and that's kind of how I got through and I I made a lot of friends at the wedding, which I'm grateful for, but that's that's the practice.

Speaker 1:

The practice is find someone who you think is in a similar emotional state as you Connect with them, and then this is what you might find. I was able to lead Kevin through Pretty much the entire day. So when your others conscious, I was conscious of his experience. I didn't want him to have a bad time because I want him to come back. I'm gonna come back, regardless.

Speaker 2:

When your other is conscious, you're less self-conscious and I think that goes to social anxiety as well so the the best thing that I could come up with with this episode, because I it's interesting, because I don't. I don't identify as someone who struggles with social anxiety, but I also Definitely have some more anxiety than I originally thought. Remember, when I talk often about Kevin interviewing me and him asking me what did you not realize about yourself that you do now? And I said I'm actually deeply fearful, just not in the way that I, that other people are. Typically it's the same with anxiety, it's the same exact thing, because I don't identify at all with someone who has social anxiety, but you, when I really think about it, if I'm insecure about other people's insecurities, that causes me anxiety. You know, sometimes I feel like there's this video Emilia sent me about 15 ways or 15 reasons why you're intimidating everyone around you, and this video I sent to the NLU team and I would say I'm very high on those 15 things and I never really realized that being intimidating to other people gives me social anxiety. So I think that's the way I can relate to this is when we do events and stuff like that, I do I think people meeting us you know, some people believe it or not are a little bit starstruck and they actually say that and they own that. I really appreciate it. That's very sweet. And then other people puff up and they pretend they're not intimidated and I think that that puffing up definitely affects me and gives me social anxiety for sure.

Speaker 2:

But the story that I had for this that I think will land, because I think we've all experienced this to some extent is when I used to go to weddings. So I talk often about how it took me five years to quit drinking because I kept falling off. I kept falling off, I kept falling off and I always wanted to do it. I was like, well, I want to quit drinking and I would go three months and then I'd fall off, and then I'd go six months. I'd fall off and I go nine months, I'd fall off, and then everything in between it wasn't wasn't necessarily three, six, nine, but it would always be weddings.

Speaker 2:

I'd go to these weddings and I figured out why you go to a wedding and the only thing you have in common core aspiration, core value, core belief is that you knew this couple at one point. You don't necessarily. It's not like jujitsu, where everyone's into jujitsu and we all have a common passion. It's we're all in a room and our common passion is that we knew this couple at one point really well and we're here to celebrate their love. But other than that, you don't have anything in common.

Speaker 2:

Sometimes you're sitting with people you never met eating food you don't know what you chose, what did I choose? And there's open bar. And so what do you do when you're anxious socially anxious, you go drink. And so I remember this one wedding. Mine has all been a college reunion. I hadn't seen these people in eight years probably, and I was so anxious and I was like you know what? I'm gonna do one. A lot of partying on these episodes lately. I'm gonna do one. One of our team members was posted that I talked about a bomb rip and she was laughing, her.

Speaker 1:

I was gonna say for any new listeners who have not listened to any previous episodes, they're gonna be like well, alan's getting high and he's partying all the time.

Speaker 2:

Getting wasted. Yeah, this is many years ago, and so I'm like I'm gonna do one, do one, no big deal. One turned to two, two turned to four, four turned to eight. Then we had an after party. Then we had an after after party in the hotel room and I joke because this is the story about beer Santa. Someone came in with a bag of beer into our hotel room and by our hotel room, I mean, I convinced one of my buddies to let me bunk up with him because I couldn't drive, and there was like an after party in the hotel room. I don't even know how this was okay. I mean, this was one of those nights it's like how is this okay? This hotel, how is this? How did we not get kicked off this floor, you know? And so, anyways, ended up being this amazing night.

Speaker 2:

But in the morning I was so ashamed, I was like oh my God, what happened? And I was puking in a toilet. I couldn't find my car. It's winter. I feel like I'm homeless in downtown Providence. I feel awful. I could not find my car and then I'm puking outside the car door of my car. I was just like you need to stop, alan, like you need to stop. So anyways, that's a long story to share that when we are uncomfortable and when we're in anxious places, what if I had just, instead of solving that with alcohol, what if I had just found someone else who feels anxious and then talk to them? And so I think that's probably a really good technique for anyone who deals with this and for anyone who doesn't identify as someone who has social anxiety. Maybe check in, because maybe you do. Maybe you do more than you think and I'm certain of this. I do more than I thought. It doesn't mean I do a ton, it just means that I do more than I thought.

Speaker 1:

I'm still nervous about jujitsu. I mean it's not, this just wasn't a day. One thing I don't know anybody. I know there was. I think there was probably 20 people in the class I went to and I was with like three people. So I kind of only know three people and there's a lot of people that go is a big place and I think that's one of the biggest Square footage wise in New England. So this is a big place.

Speaker 2:

You mentioned at the beginning that you don't deal with this as much as you used to. Can we go into why that might be? I think there might be some gold in there for the listeners.

Speaker 1:

What is?

Speaker 2:

different.

Speaker 1:

I've. So I this is. This is an important piece, but it's very specific to me. I have done so many meeting of strangers over the last six years. You go on 700 podcasts. I've met 700 strangers and I've learned how to break the ice pretty, pretty easily. I tell my clients this all the time. It's funny, it sounds stupid, but I'm telling you it works.

Speaker 1:

When you log into a zoom meeting, I want you to start singing, you want to talk about breaking the ice. I guarantee that person is probably more nervous than you are and I guarantee when you break the ice, it makes the conversation better. I always do it when, when the person logs in, I'm just going and I'm like dancing and it just breaks the ice. So that helps me. I've done that enough and I'm not afraid to. I Understand that usually there's the person who is the more confident in the conversation is going to dictate the energy of the conversation, and I just understand. As long as I'm confident in the conversation with someone, it's going to be fine.

Speaker 1:

The reason with jujitsu is it's not a conversation. We're not talking about stuff where we're going to grapple or you're gonna, you're gonna do the fundamentals that you just learned, you're gonna drill on me and then I'm gonna drill on you and there's just a lot of there's just uncertainty that comes with that. Am I gonna look like an idiot? I Struggle to remember what I see. I have to do it and then I remember it. But it's almost like you teach me something and then I go to do it. It's like I'm gone, I got nothing. I don't remember any of that. Let me just mess around and see what happens. So I think it's probably is is much fear of judgment. It's very Jiu-jitsu is a very cultural thing where At some schools you call the head coach sensei or you call them master or you call them coach.

Speaker 1:

You don't use their first name. So there's a there was a piece of that of like I don't know what this is gonna be like. How serious is this gonna be? It's not super serious and oftentimes there's someone there. Just like when you go to a regular gym, there's sometimes there's ego-driven people there. It can be like that in jujitsu. So am I gonna run into that person or thing? I think I'm. They're gonna pick on me because I'm the newbie. Again, I'm blessed because the gym I go to, the culture is amazing. So I'm not I'm less worried about that than I was. But yeah, a lot of. There's a lot of that that goes on, in my head at least.

Speaker 2:

Last last thing, when you get intimidated or or socially anxious. I think this is what happens and, again, this is fairly new to me. I didn't understand any of this to my 30s, but I didn't deeply understand any of this until very recently, I Think. When people are intimidated, I think they either puff up or they go docile. Very rarely do they stay centered and that, myself included. It makes sense. It's called a trauma response.

Speaker 2:

You either puff up and pretend you're not insecure when you really are, or you just kind of Own the insecurity and go docile and kind of hide, shell up and we talk about the puffer fish or the turtle. I Think for you you tend to be a turtle. Yes, because you're very uncomfortable puffing, yeah. And so in the past, just to give context, whenever Kevin and I would be around a third person, they would either be a puffer or a turtle. If they were a turtle, it would be two against one for me. If they were a puffer, it would be two against one against Kev, and we didn't know any of this back then.

Speaker 2:

Now we kind of get it and I think it's very challenging to stay centered when you're in uncertainty, when you're in insecurity, when you're fearful of judgment, fearful of criticism. Any new environment there's always gonna be. Either there's gonna be an over swing. You're either gonna over swing and pretend you're more confident than you really are, which tends to be my go-to, or you're gonna under swing and kinda overly shell up and not talk to anybody.

Speaker 2:

And I think what Kev's really trying to say is don't do either of those. Try to find someone else who you think tends to shell up and befriend them. Or maybe find someone else who tends to puff up and then just be honest and befriend them. And I think staying centered in social situations is really challenging, cause everyone's sizing everybody up, everybody's trying to figure out who fits into what. I think a lot of this is unconscious animal kingdom stuff. Seriously, I really do. And as someone who used to be very minuscule and not intimidating and now someone who is apparently fairly intimidating, which is fairly new for me now I'm understanding more than ever that I'm insecure about other people's insecurities and so we're all kinda triggering each other without knowing it. And if you can stay centered in that, like singing, if you can sing and stay centered and just be you, I think that's really powerful.

Speaker 1:

It's almost like the goofier you are, the more centered you can be, in a way. Cause that is who I am. I'm not a super serious person. If you've listened to this podcast enough, you know I'm not. Sometimes I can be, maybe if I'm in a rush or I'm in some type of mood, but I'm not that serious. So for me that's kind of who I am as a person. The last thing I'll say because this is kind of a breakthrough the last thing you wanna do at a martial arts gym is ego up.

Speaker 1:

That is the worst possible thing, not because you're gonna get beat or anything, because people will identify that and say you don't really fit here. We're not about that. So it's almost like if I'm gonna do anything, I'm going to overly turtle. I will overly turtle. I would rather miss by turtling than be even a little bit too high over. So I wanted to add that because maybe there's situations for you out there where it's similar.

Speaker 2:

Any.

Speaker 2:

This is what I've come to understand. The extent of the swing is the extent of the insecurity, even if that insecurity is with other people's insecurity that hopefully helps everyone to. That's been really mind blowing for me. Now I just kind of see it everywhere. I'll be in the gym, kev, and I'll notice there's these young guys in the gym and they puff around me. They do, but some of them turtle, some of them can't look me in the eye. They shell up. You can always tell who's the turtles and who the puffers are.

Speaker 2:

I try really hard to stay centered but sometimes they're puffing. I puff too and I'm just trying to stay true self. I'm trying to stay centered and that's what I would say is practice that, because the extent of the swing and this is this is what helped me If they're really puffing, it means they're insecure, it means they're intimidated, it means they're insecure. And so these people that are acting so confident, I'm telling you, if you can see that for its true colors it's not, it's an over swing. We say drive to five at NLU for the new listeners, drive to five On the 10 end. These people are acting super confident. They're arrogant, they're not humble. On the zero end. They have no confidence and they're shelling up. So you have the puffers and the turtles.

Speaker 2:

The extent of the swing, I believe, is the extent of the insecurity. And when you realize that you see these confident people that you think are super confident, they're not as confident as you think, I'm telling you that's actually a insecurity masked as confidence. And if you can realize that, you'll benefit because you'll realize, oh, that person's just as insecure as me. Their response to that insecurity is just different than mine. And that's what Kevin and I have learned from each other, because our response to insecurity was just different. So we were both insecure, we just responded very differently. And when you look from that lens, it will make you more secure. It will because you'll realize everyone else is insecure too.

Speaker 1:

And I know we talked a lot about fitness, the gym, jiu-jitsu, maybe again, maybe that's not your experience, but anytime you hear us telling stories, try to connect. What story would be similar for you? We don't do a lot. There's not a lot of stuff going on in NLU town, so it's kind of the gym, jiu-jitsu or date days with Tara and that's kind of all I have for my stories and I know Alan is the same, so I just wanted to throw that out there. Next level nation.

Speaker 1:

If you are listening to this right now which you are, because it is right now for you, but if right now happens to be Thursday, any time before 6pm Eastern Standard Time, there is still time to come join our 23rd next level monthly meetup. We are talking about how to communicate a vulnerable truth. So, as always, our meetups are completely private. We do not record these calls, they don't get posted anywhere, they're not podcast episodes and you can show up and be on camera and ask questions, or you can stay behind the scenes and just watch from the outskirts. Whatever you feel most comfortable doing, we are all for. Maybe for you, that is the level of vulnerability you're ready to lean into, to flex. So how to communicate a vulnerable truth is what we will be talking about. We would love to have you there. We will have the link in the show notes for the landing page.

Speaker 2:

Kevin mentioned going to a jiu-jitsu class that was very warm and inclusive and welcoming. If you want a virtual online space of growth-oriented people, that is also very warm and welcoming and, most importantly, respectful. We tolerate no bullies. We tolerate no disrespect. We literally have booted people who were disrespectful. Next level nation is the place. The link will be in the show notes.

Speaker 1:

Tomorrow for episode number 1509, a little NLU on a Friday. What do you do when you feel like you need to change? Alan and I have made a lot of changes over the last week or so and I know Alan helps his clients with this. I had a really powerful conversation with a client today, all about changing and pivoting, so we're going to talk about that tomorrow. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you, and that NLU we learn at fans. We have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow.

Speaker 2:

Stay centered Next level nation.

Speaker 1:

Nice yeah, that was great yeah.

People on this episode

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Alan Lazaros

Host
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Kevin Palmieri

Host