Next Level University

#1519 - 1 Important Lesson About Vulnerability

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

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Change the way you view vulnerability. Today, hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros talk about understanding our upbringing, strengths, and weaknesses in shaping our attitudes toward vulnerability. They discuss tangible steps to gradually embrace vulnerability, guiding you to break away from the cycle of insecurity. It can be challenging to express due to fear of judgment and insecurity; vulnerability can also be an invaluable part of our journey to becoming our best selves.

Links mentioned:
Next Level Nation - https://www.facebook.com/groups/459320958216700
How to Transform Yourself and Your Life - http://bit.ly/40zFqKI

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Show notes:
[1:29] Why is it hard?
[4:38] What you want people to think of you vs. who you really are
[8:48] Authentic and imperfect
[9:43] Amanda shares how Alan made her feel valued and supported during their initial consultation call and how she appreciates his holistic approach
[12:07] Identify what are your insecurities and fears
[16:32] Courageous, vulnerable communication
[19:46] Outro

Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

Speaker 1:

Next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University where we help you level up your life, your love, your health. Andrew Will, we hope you enjoyed yesterday's episode. It was episode number 1518. Start planning your holiday boundaries now. And now is in all caps, so you know it's serious. Today for episode number 1519, happy Monday.

Speaker 1:

One important lesson about vulnerability. I was asked on a podcast yesterday yesterday, as of recording this episode, about why vulnerability is so hard. But this was a podcast where we had gone very, very, very deep. So I felt comfortable digging deeper and deeper and deeper around the answers that I was giving. And I said I think it's a couple of things. One, obviously, the people you're being vulnerable with are going to dictate the ease of vulnerability. Alan and I are very vulnerable with one another. We've done it for a long enough period of time. It's not super hard for us to be vulnerable, I would say statistically, compared to maybe two people that didn't feel as safe as we do together. And then I said but I think another important thing to think about is the fact that for many of us, when we are vulnerable, we're thinking of what that means about us, not what it could do for us. So we were on a podcast with Tori Aletto many years ago and I shared very vulnerably that I, as Alan takes the microphone cover off of his mic as he does like a child I shared very vulnerably how I, at a younger age, was dealing with a porn addiction and Alan said I can't believe you said that Not in a bad way.

Speaker 1:

I can't believe you were brave enough to be so vulnerable. And the reason I think I felt safe doing that was I have detached from. What does that mean about me? What is the fact that that Alan used to have a drinking problem mean about him? Nothing really. It doesn't mean anything about you. It doesn't mean anything about your character. It doesn't mean anything about you intrinsically.

Speaker 1:

I think that's where we get stuck with vulnerability, because we're thinking of when I share this vulnerably, I'm afraid of the judgment that I'm going to get about who I am. Oh, you're born. You're addicted to porn. What type of person does that make you? Or drinking what type of person does that make you? Or a vulnerable share about trigger warning here Maybe something that happened to you in your childhood, maybe some sort of abuse. Oh, that means they're going to think I'm broken. They're going to think I'm this, I'm bruised, I'm damaged, I'm unfixable, I'm unlovable.

Speaker 1:

I think that's one of the core, deep reasons why vulnerability is so hard. We're not thinking of the opportunity that vulnerability creates. We're thinking what is this person going to think that means about, and I figured doing a quick episode on that might help you be more vulnerable. If we know why we're not doing something, it's easier to do it. But there's layers. One, yes, vulnerability is scary. Vulnerability oftentimes might create judgment and then, if you keep working your way down, eventually it gets to the point where this person is not going to like the type of person I am based on the vulnerability that I share, if that's what you feel, knowing this, I think, will help.

Speaker 2:

When I was younger, I would go through things and as a young man I know you can Attest to this as well, kev and I don't know if I fully get it yet. So let's explore. We'll go back to high school, for example. Kevin and I were having a conversation behind the scenes and we went to the same high school and we were talking about high school. I forget what context, but it was something along the lines of pretty much everyone's faking it in high school because they don't know who they are yet. And by faking it, what did we mean by that? It means that there is a disconnect between what you want people to think of you and who you really are, and this goes down to so many age-old questions of when we're young, we we want to do anything we can to fit in, and then, when we get older, we really want to stand out and all that kind of stuff. In your career, you definitely want to stand out, but not too much, because now you don't fit in, whereas when you're a kid, you just really, really, really want to fit in With the cool kids or the popular girls or the popular guys or the athletes, or you know, the nerds want to be an athlete. The athletes wish they were smarter. It's like this whole thing. You know, I always joke about how, growing up I I just studied human beings because I just I needed to understand everything. Emailing, I joke and we say I Don't want to know, I need to know. And we still joke. A very first time I met her, I said that and she's like same. So we've gotten along very well, but as A kid, I needed to understand all this. I needed to get why. Okay, why do people with thick hair wish they had thin hair? Why do people who are tall? I had this ex-girlfriend and she was tall, beautiful, and she wishes she was shorter. And Then you have the short girls who wish they were taller. And then you have Everyone wishes they were different than what they are like. Is this a thing? Is? Are we all doing this? It's like the the brunettes wish they were blonde and the blondes wish they were brunette, and I think all of us, whether we're aware of it or not.

Speaker 2:

I think it's human nature to Not be vulnerable when you're younger. Some of us have vulnerability modeled for us in our childhood and it's okay to cry at movies and it's okay to talk about your feelings and it's okay to Not be. Okay, things like that. And then there's some People who grew up in environments with the rub some dirt in it. You're totally fine, soldier up, you know, get over it, deal with it, whatever. And so all of us grow up in a certain environment that either models vulnerability or not, and I think, statistically speaking, probably not.

Speaker 2:

You know, if you've ever studied bernie browns work, she didn't come. You know, I didn't know anything about vulnerability until I was 29 years old, and so I don't think there was. You know, before Google Google is only 25 years old Before Google and before Bernay Brown and before, you know, the personal development sphere got larger. And you know, there was no social media, there was no internet, and I'm sure it was. Unless you had encyclopedia and you happened to look up the word v vulnerability, you probably didn't even know that word existed.

Speaker 2:

And we even look at old movies. Some old movies are so hard to watch because they're just so toxic. Some of the jokes are super racist. There's so much sexism. It's like, oh my god, how do you know that? So much sexism. It's like, oh my god, how ignorant were we. But again, that's human progress. You know 100 years ago. Of course we're gonna think we're ignorant. I can think of five years ago I was ignorant compared to now. So what's my point?

Speaker 2:

Vulnerability what is that for you? By definition, it means sharing something you're scared of, but we're all scared of different things. So not only are we all scared of different things, we're all insecure about different things. We all have different upbringings and I think that as I've gotten older and as Kevin and I have shared these things, whether publicly or not, you eventually get to this place where you realize that you want to be an authentic, imperfect person. And I can share tons of relatable examples of I didn't like my nose because I broke it, and I didn't like my calves because I'm a giraffe and I have super long legs, which was great in basketball but not good for bodybuilding. But you know, we all have strengths and weaknesses. So we just what. We ignore our strengths because they make us different, but we also hide our weaknesses. We don't talk about our successes because then we're arrogant, and we don't talk about our struggles because then we're incompetent and it's just this giant fugazi of. Is anyone actually secure enough to just be who they really are? And the ironic part is the people who say I'm insecure are actually the most secure.

Speaker 2:

The reason why I said that about that at the time, kev, is because at the time I had been using porn not often and I definitely wasn't addicted. It was like probably once a week, maybe once every couple of weeks. But I remember thinking to myself I would never have shared that, but of course I wouldn't. I hadn't overcome it yet. Now I'm either two or three years. I talked to Emilia, we canned it and it was. It's been done not a single time. So now I can talk about it. Isn't that ironic. I can talk about my drinking problem. I can talk about how I used porn. The reason I can talk about it is because I've overcome it. But if I was still using porn, would I be able to talk about it? Probably not.

Speaker 2:

So what if all of us are in this tornado of misinformation of the people who are acting the most wealthy or the least wealthy? The people who are acting the most secure are the least secure? The people who are the most secure are saying, yeah, I'm a little bit, this is vulnerable for me to share, but XYZ. And so the people who think they're confident probably aren't the people who think they're insecure probably are more confident than they realize, and, at the end of the day, I just hope that everyone does. This is my next level nugget. I hope everyone takes this opportunity to sit there and go. What is vulnerable for me? What am I scared of? What am I insecure about? What am I scared to share Right now, not in the past, used to be scared to share the nose thing.

Speaker 2:

Used to be scared to wear certain gym shorts because my legs look so skinny compared to my upper body. And what happens when we hide an insecurity? Does it get bigger or smaller? Gets bigger, and then it controls us and then we have to compensate in all these other weird ego ways. And so, hopefully, the next level nugget, the goal that we can give you, is identify what your insecurities are, identify what your fears are and then practice whatever that next step of vulnerability is, and the next step I don't recommend it being sharing it in front of 10,000 people. I think the next step is sharing it with a close friend that you trust, because Kevin and I did a lot of that work behind the scenes for years with each other before we were ever sharing any of this stuff publicly.

Speaker 1:

And determine, I think, if you can determine, why. So I was thinking to myself while you were speaking. I told you today, I said I looked for a therapist yesterday, I told Tyron that today this morning, in some circles that would be vulnerable to share. But for me, if I'm thinking, if I'm thinking, what does that mean about me? That means I'm a very self-aware man who values learning and healing. So I don't get my mud on other people, that's what. And if you don't see it that way, that's fine. But I know the people who are supposed to see it that way are gonna see it that way. Those are my people anyway. Those are my people anyway.

Speaker 2:

But there, are people who are gonna see you as weak and incompetent.

Speaker 1:

Yeah 100% 100%. Yeah, but that's why it's vulnerable to share. My argument would be they probably need therapy too, though Right, that just like and I would say you're probably accurate. I think everybody would benefit from it.

Speaker 1:

Just like-, Of course of course, on the opposite front, when I shared about the porn addiction, I remember telling you I was like what you think people are gonna reach out and shame me. Good luck finding enough people that aren't addicted to porn. I was talking mostly about men. Good luck finding 50 people out of 100 that aren't addicted in some way, shape or form. Especially then I'm not worried about that because I know to me it means all it means is I was strong enough to admit it and then try to work on it. So if you can define why it's vulnerable for you, I think that is the key.

Speaker 1:

Why is it vulnerable for you? Because you think I told Alan I said this on a previous episode, I think Ace. Usually Ace likes to sleep with me. He sleeps between my legs, so I sleep on my stomach and he crawls up right into my pretty much my butt crack, but that's where he likes to sleep and it's a dangerous game, ace. Yeah, it's a dangerous game and there was a part of me that was insecure and that was vulnerable for me to share, because I knew Alan was gonna look at me different, not a bad way but he's thinking that's not super peak performance of you, kev, because that's Alan. Now, I'm not saying we're fine, it's not, there's nothing that goes with that, but I was thinking what does that mean about me to Alan?

Speaker 2:

But and then what would that mean about our relationship?

Speaker 1:

Yes, what would that mean about our business? What would that mean about our?

Speaker 2:

future. Yeah, so there's fears underneath fears, underneath fears, underneath fears, and when you get to the root fear and this is why I think rock bottom frees people is once you face that deep fear, now all the other ones dissipate.

Speaker 1:

Well, even our conversation today. You made a joke about it and then you and I had a conversation after and it's like now that's gone.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, the elephant is out of the room.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, one of my favorite quotes the elephant in the room only gets as big as you let it.

Speaker 2:

I made that up.

Speaker 1:

I'm sure somebody else again put those 12 words, or however many words it is in that order.

Speaker 2:

Well, remember, an elephant never forgets.

Speaker 1:

That's right.

Speaker 2:

Yes.

Speaker 1:

I don't know why or how, but don't they have, like peanut brains?

Speaker 2:

I don't know, I don't know. Elephant anatomy man.

Speaker 1:

That's my next level nugget. If you can figure out. Why does it feel vulnerable? Not the base level, the layer under that, the layer under that, the layer under that. I like being vulnerable. One of the reasons I like it is because I, if I'm thinking what does that mean about me? It means I'm brave and anybody listening would probably say I really wish I could think, I really wish I could share something like that. Yeah, it's fine.

Speaker 2:

That's really good reframe.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it's one of the reasons I try to be as vulnerable as I can, because I think it'll inspire other people to be vulnerable. So that's my long winded next element.

Speaker 2:

Go quick with this, but I call it CVC courageous vulnerable communication. I was good at success. I was never good at relationships, and it was because of this missing piece Courageous vulnerable communication. Kev asked me. I talked about this. He asked me on an interview a couple months ago what didn't you understand about yourself that you understand now? And my answer was that I am deeply fearful. And if you're not in a place in your life where you own that yet, do yourself a favor. Just because it's not what other people are afraid of doesn't mean you're not fearful. Maybe you're afraid of being better than. Maybe you're afraid of being too successful. Maybe you're afraid of poking the insecurities of other people. Maybe you're afraid to be attacked or avoided or not loved or not competent enough or not smart enough.

Speaker 2:

I mean, pick your flavor of fear. You've got one, there's no question. And if you think you're, you don't, you are in denial and or not self-aware enough yet, and over time you will learn that one way or another, just like I had to. But my next level nugget is identify a fear and then practice CVC, which is courageous, vulnerable communication with a therapist, which I think is the best place to start because you have a contractual privacy thing where it's the safest place you can get and start there and then build and then, who knows, maybe eventually you can share.

Speaker 2:

I mean, as public figures, Kev and I have to constantly share parts of ourselves that are vulnerable, and it's definitely an interesting journey of personal growth that you wouldn't do. It's like your goal is to help people, but what it ends up helping you, because you end up unlayering all of these parts of you, not for you, but it ends up being for you. I did that in book club earlier. I was like this is definitely for me. I didn't realize it, but I'm sharing it to help other people and I think that's a really cool thing. But don't start there. Don't start there. Start small and build.

Speaker 1:

If you have not joined our private Facebook group, next level nation, please do so Again. Every episode we ever really do on here is directly connected to what you can expect in next level nation, so if you're struggling with vulnerability, that's a great place to start. Yes, it might be strangers, but it's strangers who you know you're safe around, especially since myself, Alan and the team are making sure that everything is safe for you by from letting certain people in, knowing who doesn't belong and really making sure it's gonna be a safe place. That's something we're always focused on. So Link will be in the show notes, as always. We'd love to have you.

Speaker 2:

I created a blog about a simple concept In order to create fire. There's something called the fire triangle. I took a course in college called fire engineering, and Kev also was in the fire academy, so he probably learned this too. You need heat, you need oxygen and you need fuel in order to create a fire. My concept is very similar, but you need humility, you need courage and you need vulnerability in order to create transformation, and so I wrote a blog on that. So if you're struggling with vulnerability, check that out. The link will be in the show notes.

Speaker 1:

Tomorrow for episode number 1,520,. Being consistent is so much easier when you understand this Woke up today. I told Alan I went for a run today, the last time I went for a run intentionally, while sober. I couldn't even tell you, I don't even know. I do not know when I planned on going for a run intentionally. So that was a lesson for me that I wanted to share with all of you, and we will do so tomorrow. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you, and at NLU we learn of fans. We have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow.

Speaker 2:

Stay courageous and vulnerable. Next one issue.

People on this episode

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Alan Lazaros

Host
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Kevin Palmieri

Host