Next Level University
Confidence, mindset, relationships, limiting beliefs, family, goals, consistency, self-worth, and success are at the core of hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros' heart-driven, no-nonsense approach to holistic self-improvement. This transformative, 7 day per week podcast is focused on helping dream chasers who have been struggling to achieve their goals and are seeking community, consistency and answers. If you've ever asked yourself "How do I get to the next level in my life", we're here for you!
Our goal at NLU is to help you uncover the habits to build unshakable confidence, cultivate a powerful mindset, nurture meaningful relationships, overcome limiting beliefs, create an amazing family life, set and achieve transformative goals, embrace consistency, recognize your self-worth, and ultimately create the fulfillment and success you desire. Let's level up your health, wealth and love!
Next Level University
#1537 - Detach From The Outcome And What That Actually Means
Detachment is often misunderstood in the context of personal growth. It’s not about being aloof or uninvolved; instead, it's about learning to separate ourselves from the outcome of our actions. In this episode, hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros talk about understanding the results we are genuinely attached to and evaluating whether they serve us positively or negatively. It's about recognizing that we cannot control every outcome and that external results do not define our worth. Detachment, in essence, is a journey toward self-discovery and personal growth.
Links mentioned:
Next Level Nation - https://www.facebook.com/groups/459320958216700
Next Level Monthly Meetup #24: "3 Things Holding You Back From YOUR Version Of Success" on December 7th, 2023, 06:00 PM EST - https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/monthly-meetups/
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Website 💻 http://www.nextleveluniverse.com
The best way to track your habits is here! Download the app: Optimal - https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/optimal/
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Any of these communities or resources are FREE to join and consume
- Next Level Nation - https://www.facebook.com/groups/459320958216700
- Next Level 5 To Thrive (free course) - https://bit.ly/3xffver
- Next Level U Book Club - https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/next-level-book-club/
- Next Level Monthly Meetup: https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/monthly-meetups/
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Show notes:
[2:02] Fear chasing
[4:52] The exiles
[10:40] Fear setting
[16:22] Helen praises Alan for providing safe and empowering coaching services with Next Level Business Solutions
[17:44] Understanding duality
[18:58] Choose a meaningful destination
[25:09] Harmonizing goals and inner peace
[29:42] Outro
Next level nation. Welcome back to another episode of next level university, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health, andrew, well, we hope you enjoyed yesterday's episode. It was episode number 1,536 a simple practice for increased positivity. Today, for episode number 1,537, happy Friday. If you are listening to this, the day it launched, detach from the outcome and what that actually means. I believe the first time I ever heard this Might have been in the seven spiritual laws by Deepak Chopra. I think that was in there somewhere.
Speaker 1:I was listening to a lot of sad guru 2018-2019, I think 2019-2020. You're going down the spiritual path I went. I had a season, a season of spirituality. Now, before we start, I want to Rhetorate. I am not Anti spirituality. I'm. I'm spiritual myself. I believe in what I believe in. Alan believes in what he believes in and I don't want I'm not trying to bash Detach from the outcome or what that means to you.
Speaker 1:My goal is to explore I Don't know. Explore what it means to us and then, hopefully, through that, you'll explore what it means to you and is it. Is that belief serving you? Could it be serving you more? All of that happy jazz again. At the end of the day. I want to increase my own self-awareness because I think the more self-aware I am, the more opportunity I have to change my life right. So that's why we have deep conversations like this. So I did a video recently for social media and that's where this thought came from, because I actually had a moment where I said detached from the outcome, and I said interesting, I Don't know if I've ever said that before, but it was under the context of fear-chasing. So if you've heard me talk about fear-chasing, you've probably heard me say I don't care about the results, I care about the effort. So for those who might be new, fear-chasing all that means is doing something that scares you, so Going to intentionally.
Speaker 1:Yeah, asking someone out even though you're afraid of getting rejected. Going to. I was on a podcast recently and they said when I used to go to the grocery store and I'd be in the checkout line, I would ask them if they could give me a discount. And he said I knew they most likely weren't gonna be able to give me a discount, so I knew I'd probably get rejected. That was my version of fear-chasing and I said oh, that was a. That's a really good version of it.
Speaker 1:When you're fear-chasing, the results almost doesn't matter at all, because the result is Feedback that you never would have gotten if you didn't do the fear-chasing in the first place. So I caught myself in this video saying well, detached from the outcome, the effort Matters much more than the outcome does. And that just got me thinking is Detached from the outcome and empowering belief for you. Is it going to allow you to do things that maybe you would have never done before? I would say that's positive. Where? Where I have a block around it, I find, is Anytime someone says that to me, I immediately think well, if I do that, I'm almost Allowing myself to do bad. I won't say do bad to not do well at something, because I don't care whether I do well or not.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it gives you permission, it gives some people permission to be ineffective. That's my, that's my thought like if you want to lose 10 pounds in 10 weeks, like you and I did for that Challenge, right weight loss challenge.
Speaker 1:Yeah, if we detach from the outcome and we feel like eating pizza, we would just eat pizza right right, which I did, and that's why I actually had to do a marathon but is out, and I didn't. I was hyper focused on the outcome.
Speaker 2:So, which is why you got the outcome, and so, and I was miserable too, but that's another piece of it, one of the things that I find I actually believe in this more than I used to, but it's very Specific and it needs to be. Just like anything, you have to apply it properly if you have no control. One time I was dating someone and you said, you know, it doesn't have to be her, and I was like, oh, and it kind of freed me a little bit from this unconscious belief that it needed to be her. And this was years and years and years ago. So I think that that's a An empowering version of detach from the outcome, because what I what I do in coaching often is I try to find people's deepest fears.
Speaker 2:My coaching sounds terrible, oh my god, usually, but once you face the deepest fear, we call it an exile in internal family systems, and a better way to describe this is it's the thing that you don't want to admit to yourself. But deep, deep, deep, deep deep down, you know it's true and you definitely don't want to admit it to others. So one mini example of this would be Kevin not wanting to really own the fact that he's short and not wanting to Take a photo next to you. Talk about your damn self.
Speaker 2:It's Kevin, it's a good example talks about.
Speaker 1:It's like this is the thing that really the exiles, the deepest pain that this person experiences, kev For Kev specifically.
Speaker 2:I said this is a mini one. I know there's a mini one. You've talked about it, just so everyone knows. So everyone's knows. So everyone knows. Kevin has talked about this before, that's why I'm doing that.
Speaker 1:If you're just listening, this is your first episode. Alan seems like a bad person. Alan is not a bad.
Speaker 2:So if there was ever a part of Kevin that was in denial of whether or not he was short, that would be something he had trouble admitting to himself. Yes, and Then, on top of that, he doesn't want to necessarily admit it to others. And so, whatever you're exiling, the idea is, it's a, it's a truth that you don't want to admit to yourself and you definitely don't want to admit to others, so it's something that you're hiding. Everyone has things that they're unconsciously hiding. Essentially and where was I going with this? Oh, detaching from the outcome frees you from that. For example, if Kevin said you know what? I don't really care If I'm in a photo with someone tall and that it reveals that I'm short, I don't need To be seen as tall. See how you're detaching from an outcome.
Speaker 2:Okay, that's where it's empowering. I believe it's empowering. Okay, another example I have another client who was in a toxic relationship and she was fearful that she would end up alone. Okay, detached from the outcome of needing to be with this person, and now, all of a sudden, you don't, they don't control you anymore, and now you're empowered. It's that. I think it makes sense with relationships. I think it makes sense. Another example of this would be you know, imagine you have in-laws that don't approve of you. Detach from the outcome. You don't need their approval now. You can be your true self and, ironically, they'll probably approve of you and you'll stop contorting yourself into being this perfect version of you. That's not real, and so I think, on those things, it's very, very empowering. When it comes to external results that you're in control of, like fitness goals or financial goals, or career goals or tangible goals, detaching from the outcome is probably disempowering. But again, I'm I'm still exploring.
Speaker 1:That's why, again, this is one of those episodes where it's up in the air, because I definitely see the benefit I was going. I went to visit a friend recently and I said I was going to be there at Five or six, I don't remember. I don't remember what time I said I was going to be there at, but I ended up leaving a little bit later and I looked at ways when I left and I knew I was going to be late and in the past I would just ruminate about that the whole time. So I'm gonna be six minutes late. Let me see if I can get that six to five, to four or three. And I just said to myself you're gonna be late, it's not that it's. You're gonna be a few minutes late, it's not that big of a deal.
Speaker 2:Well, here's the thing. If you're late, then what? This is like a really good exercise that I do in coaching all the time. If I'm late then blank it used to be that what was the old narrative I'm in trouble, okay, and and if I'm in trouble, trouble. Be nice if I could talk to it.
Speaker 1:Huh, hey, I would like a. I would like a refund for this coaching session, please. Yeah, for sure, I mean.
Speaker 2:I'll send it over back through PayPal. Uh, if you are in trouble, then blank. They're scarcity. Okay, if they're scarcity, then blank. What does that mean About?
Speaker 2:you, it's about you, it's about you, okay, and if you end up broke, then blank. That means what Life is bad, and if life is bad, then blank. This is fear chasing internally. So what Kevin was talking about is fear chasing externally. You know, looking people in the eyes in the grocery store don't creep people out. By the way, kevin used to do that, he used to go down the halls of grocery stores just staring at people, see if they would look at them in the eyes.
Speaker 1:You gotta understand the social cues, Cause if somebody looks at you the wrong way, it's like all right, maybe you're not the one to, maybe I don't practice this with you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, one of them is ask someone on a date that you've been meaning to ask on a date, or, hey, do you have a boyfriend or do you have a girlfriend, or whatever. My fear chasing was Emilia, true or false? Are you in a relationship? That was a DM that I unsent several times prior to being with Emilia and she said yes, in a relationship with myself, and so fear chasing is external, the way Kevin was describing it in the beginning. What I'm talking about is called fear setting, which is go through worst case scenario and realize, oh okay, worst case scenario, I'm broke. Okay, let's do it Now. You're free, now you can detach from the need to be on time, which is why I'm always late. I'm kidding.
Speaker 1:I'm kidding Really big pitch for being late.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah. But here's the thing see how dangerous that is if I'm always late, because I'm constantly detaching from outcome, because if you're always late you're gonna have a bad reputation. If you have a bad reputation you're gonna get less coaching clients. If you have less coaching clients, you're gonna be less successful. So you gotta kind of play this game in your head and figure out what narratives you're running and try your best to decide in advance what's the most optimal level of detachment, so to speak.
Speaker 1:So the benefit for me was I was going to see Matt. Matt's an entrepreneur. Matt understands that I'm not gonna be there at the exact time. I said mostly so that helped me detach from the outcome that I determined had to be the outcome, not somebody else did. So maybe that's. Another layer of this is, if you're determining, if the outcome doesn't necessarily, I mean even that that's a fine line. I was gonna say, if the outcome doesn't necessarily serve you or if it overserves you, do I have to be right on time every single time? Yeah, I kinda do. I wanna be, I aspire to.
Speaker 2:You want to be, but you don't have to be. You see how empowering that is? Yeah, but I have to be. No, no, no, no.
Speaker 1:This is growth then Well, no, but what if I have to be because I wanna be so bad? That's important, something I value, just like you don't have to be the best partner.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I do. Yeah, yeah, I do Checkmate's time. Yeah, well said, and it's like you don't have to track your habits. It's like, yes, I do. But here's the thing Some of them are empowering in some of the markets. That's what this conversation is coming down to is being on time is empowering, so keep it up strong work?
Speaker 1:I think it's. Why are you doing it?
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, exactly. Because what if you never spend the rest of your life never being around tall people, just in case there's a photo taken? That's not empowering. See how it's disempowering Versus being on time is actually very empowering. So I think that's probably the best thing to do is figure out what outcomes you are attached to and figure out whether or not that's helping you grow or not.
Speaker 1:I had a call with a client today and this is a podcast client who we very rarely talk about podcasting we have. It's just a really good energetic. Our coaching just does not sound that good, I know.
Speaker 2:I know we really need to do a better job.
Speaker 1:We're really good, depending on how you view it. We have very. We have very I don't know how to explain it Our energies just match really well, where we can just show up and then things happen. I don't know how to explain it.
Speaker 2:What an awesome sign me up, man, but but you know a couple calls ago. I think I'm going to have to detach from your coach.
Speaker 1:Well, if you're not a podcaster, it probably would you probably never work with me anyway to begin with anymore. But this person is a podcaster, they said recently. They said I have to get off all these dating apps and I just have to put myself out there in real life with people and see what happens. In a way, that's kind of saying I'm detaching from the outcome of having to find someone right now. Yeah, I met someone last week.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so, so that's another. I don't know. Here's the truth. I don't know. I don't know. You are very conclusive, very conclusive. You have to do the exploration, for what does it mean for you? I've just met so many people. I've met so many people who have said, well, why do you have to be better? Why can't it be something more empowering? Better is empowering to me.
Speaker 1:And this person was not successful and again, I'm not saying this from a judgment standpoint, I'm just saying this was a fact. This person was not externally successful and they most likely aren't going to be based on their behavior and the way they do things. Maybe they don't aspire to have going back to the episode we did recently, maybe they don't aspire to have the level of external success. I don't know. But by definition, then certain things you hear are going to be dangerous because if they're coming from a place that isn't the place that you want to get to, it's only going to serve you to such a level.
Speaker 1:So even today, I was on a podcast and the advice I give is going to be different than the advice other people give, because what I believe that has worked for me might not work for someone. But I just struggle with that, the detached from the outcome thing. I don't think I'd be nearly as good as I am at certain things if I just detached from the outcome. But I also understand that when I get in flow in an episode and the outcome doesn't don't say anything imperfectly, that episode's probably better, exactly so that's the duality.
Speaker 1:It's the duality.
Speaker 2:We should really unpack duality briefly. And there's something else I want to riff on, riff on Wow.
Speaker 2:I want to riff on Emilia. I said that recently. She's like I like that. You know riff, you know where that comes from. I think that's like a guitar Nice, strong work, right, yeah, guitar. So I want to riff on something People say it's not about the destination, it's the journey.
Speaker 2:You've heard me talk about this, kevin. Yes, now I'm going to hold the duality, and duality means you hold two seemingly opposing ideas in your consciousness simultaneously. So this is becoming a very hyper-conscious episode for the new listeners. But you snap a podcast called the Hyper-Conscious Podcast that has been transformed into next level universe. So we're going to be very hyper-conscious. If you look up hyper-conscious in the dictionary, it's actually one word and it's acutely aware. So we're trying to be acutely aware of ourselves, of the world, other people, the human condition, how it all works. So duality is holding two seemingly opposing ideas in your consciousness simultaneously. Okay, people say it's not about the destination, it's about the journey. There's the problem You're going to grow a lot more climbing Mount Everest than you are climbing Mount Menand Nock. I just picked a mountain. I don't even know where.
Speaker 1:Mount Menand Nock is we got to find you, a small mountain that everybody knows?
Speaker 2:Mount watches? No, nobody knows that. I know I swear I snowboarded as a kid. It's about me and my snowboarding career. What about sugarloaf? That's a big mountain up in Maine. Okay, that's my point.
Speaker 2:The journey is dictated by the destination you choose in advance. We all know this. When you plug. Okay, I drove across the country when I was in my early 20s. I drove to LA. I lived in LA for three and a half months. I drove from essentially Boston to LA and we took the middle route. You can go south route, northern route or middle route. In the US People say life's about the journey, but here's the thing the destination was deeply meaningful.
Speaker 2:We had a purpose. We weren't just driving around to drive around. That's called aimless wandering. So what you want to do is you don't want to huddle in a corner where it's safe your whole life and not go on an epic journey, which means, if you detach from every outcome, you're basically just stagnant, drifting along with the tide. That's a directionless life Versus choose a destination that you feel called to aim at, the highest good that you can conceptualize and believe in, work toward that and then let it evolve as you go. That's the best I've got Now a tangible example of this is I have a client who has on her phone background her dream relationship.
Speaker 2:It's essentially two women on a beach with a child that they've adopted. And I said, listen, is that woman out there for you, the woman who checks every box? I said I don't know the answer to that, but what I said is I can almost promise you that it's going to come in a different package than you think, so just don't attach too much to. She has this color skin and she's from this cultural background and she is this height. You've got to be open enough to where, when you're called, you'll take the chance, but not so open that you settle for anything and you see how. That's a duality and we all kind of have to deal with that. I knew intuitively on my highest self that Emilia was the one for me. I knew that. I literally had it in my phone. Emilia Hart and my executive admin at the time is like you never, even met her before.
Speaker 2:I said I don't know how to explain it, but this is my person, I'm gonna be with this person. I'm not gonna be friends with her, we're gonna be together. And she's like well, how do you know that I don't get it? I said I don't know, I can just tell. When you know, you know. And I used to be the guy who said that sounds stupid. And now I'm like no, no, no, you'll know. But anyways, I don't want people to attach so deeply to an outcome.
Speaker 2:Emilia came in a different form than I thought. For sure that doesn't mean it's not unbelievable and unbelievably aligned in, the best thing that's ever happened to me, hands down. So what you aim at matters. But if you attach so tightly, you're gonna put on blinders and forget to live and not explore. But if you aim at nothing and all you do is explore, you're basically carefree, wandering, which sounds romantic. But trust me, those people are very lost and I'm not trying to be unkind, I've coached them.
Speaker 2:Being lost sucks. I've been lost and I've been directionless and I always had goals, but I didn't understand my purpose. I didn't understand my calling. I didn't understand my mission. I didn't know why I was so lost. I didn't understand my mission, I didn't know why I was here or what I was doing, and it was just awful. So I think the last philosophical thing I'll share is life is a constant dance between two extremes, and one extreme is you're completely lost and carefree, wandering and you have no standards about anything and no direction. And the other one is you have strict attach to every outcome direction from Boston to LA on this specific route, and I think that everything is a dance between those two extremes and hopefully that's helpful and not just massively overwhelming.
Speaker 1:I don't know the answer. I don't know the answer. I have a lot of thoughts, but I don't know the answer. I find I have found, at least from studying humans and talking to a lot of humans, that usually the detach from the outcome is someone who is really really aware internally. Usually that advice comes from a spiritual place, someone who's just done so much inner work but doesn't always have external results. Well, maybe they value inner peace and inner alignment more than they value external results. That would be my next level. Nugget is just like everything else. You have to run it through the filter of what matters to you. When we're hosting an event, I will never detach from the outcome. I don't want to. I don't want to because I think that's a recipe to give everybody who attends not a good experience. For me, it's important to cater an outcome to other people's expectations.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's like how should we set up the tables? That doesn't really matter.
Speaker 1:Yeah right.
Speaker 2:I can't get with that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's a, it's fascinating, but if I, if, but if I say, well, let me detach from the outcome that I have to get every word right on stage or I'm not a good speaker, that could be empowering. I don't know, because my level of standard for speaking is very high, so maybe that doesn't apply to me.
Speaker 2:But if you, if you're- which one would make you a better speaker?
Speaker 1:Probably not detaching from the outcome, because I'm going to do it anyway, Then do that.
Speaker 1:But in here's where the layers are. This will be my next level nugget in a long drawn out way. If you've never given a speech before going back to my original point, should probably detach from the outcome of I really hope I get a standing ovation, Because if you don't doesn't mean you didn't do well, should give yourself a pat on the back for doing it in the first place. So I think it's all contextual. I'm grateful that we get to do a full episode where we can dive into it and explore and it's not just a one line post on Instagram that says detach from the outcome, because, like anything else on Instagram or any one liner, I don't know if there's any one liner that could possibly encapsulate so many layers of truth and awareness and opinion and personal this. So that's my next level nugget. So if you enjoy these episodes where we do like super hyper conscious, let us know, because there's a piece of me that misses this so very much.
Speaker 1:But I also don't know if it's valuable at all. I think it is, I want to think it is, so feedback is always welcome.
Speaker 2:And we are detaching from the outcome, but also attaching to the outcome of your experience.
Speaker 2:And I think that that's fascinating too, it's like Kevin and I can't just jump on the mics and only talk about what we care about, because we care about our listeners, but we can't only ever cater and contort to what the listeners want, because then we're not ourselves. So I think that's the most empowering thing in the world is it's a harmonization of the two, it's a duality. You can have big goals that you're attached to, knowing that they're going to take shape differently than you hoped and that the approach is going to be different than you thought, and that there will be persons, places, things and ideas that you need to be open to along the way that you didn't anticipate, while also knowing, hey, I can get my butt in the gym if I want to hit my goal and I think that that's life right. And so what I've found and this is my next level nugget is to Kevin's point. I think this was profound.
Speaker 2:When I was the most spiritually aligned, I had a lot of internal peace I really did, but I was also broke and I was struggling and I wasn't that successful. When I was the most detached from external outcomes, I was at a very high level of inner peace and inner work, but I really was losing in the marketplace, and I'm not just saying that it's vulnerable for me to share that, but I'm afraid that people are going to associate spirituality with not being successful. I'm not saying that you can be both, but if you're only focused on inner peace, you're going to have a lot of inner peace and probably not a Lamborghini, and that's okay If that's your choice. Just make that choice consciously. For me, that was not okay. I wanted to have a successful business, I wanted to have a successful team, I wanted to be a peak performer and I wanted to win championships.
Speaker 2:In this metaphor, I'm not actually winning championships, but you know what I'm saying. And so those who are the most attached to external results, I'm telling you, I coach them. They get results. They are not as fulfilled, but they get results and they do whatever it takes and they're sickos and, trust me, they've got some results you would love, but they're also deeply unfulfilled sometimes and they're not always the most inner guided and they're definitely not the most emotionally mature. And so you've got to try to be holistic with this. I used to be overly focused on external results at the expense of my core values and my integrity, and now I'm More harmonized version, and then I also went the other way with it and I was fully integrous and never lied about anything to anyone, and I was, I was super virtuous, but I also was broke. So I've since become a whole wholesome man who is trying to balance these two lefty and righty.
Speaker 2:So physical mental, emotional, spiritual growth. Try to be holistic. You become a whole man. I have tried very hard to grow from a, from a boy to a whole.
Speaker 1:Some man, you're a wholesome man, deep one. I just had a Idea breakthrough for a future episode should you focus more on strengths or weak? My opinion on that changing. To people ask on on podcasts it's like Now I don't even know. I don't know what my truth is anymore, so we'll explore that in a future episode.
Speaker 2:Every episode is gonna be what? Kevin's not sure about the uncertain chronicles.
Speaker 1:This is an uncertain chronicle episode where I don't know if you're gonna get anything from it, but you might get a lot from it. I don't know if you have not yet joined our private Facebook group. Please do again. A group of amazing individuals who want more out of life. Not necessarily entrepreneurs, not necessarily business owners, not necessarily someone who aspires to change the world, but they do aspire to change the world in their own unique way. They aspire to bring something Unique to it, whatever that means to them. If that is you, please join.
Speaker 2:We would absolutely love to have you and, as always, the link is in the show notes on December 7th 2023 at 6 pm Eastern Standard Time, we are doing our two-year anniversary 24 monthly meetups in a row. 24 months, two years three things holding you back from your in all caps version of Success. So we will explore strengths and weaknesses in that. We will explore, most likely, detaching from outcome, tracking habits the three things that we know are holding you back from your unique version of success. At the end of the day, these meetups are a way to meet other like-minded people for free that are also listening to this show, who aspire to Bigger, better, brighter futures, and we hope to see you there. You can participate as much or as little as you'd like. Please register the link. We'll be in the show notes tomorrow for episode number 1,538.
Speaker 1:Not everything is Important. Alan recommended this episode based on a conversation he had, so tomorrow we will talk about that. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you and L you. We did not have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow.
Speaker 2:Detach from those outcomes kind of next elimination.
Speaker 1:Wrong Strong work. That's a tough one, you.
