Next Level University

#1548 - An Open Conversation About Expectations

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

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What if the secret to personal growth is managing your expectations rather than chasing transient trends? In this episode, hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros talked about how the journey to personal development is complex filled with challenges, triumphs, and insightful discoveries. Striking a balance between external recognition and inner fulfillment can be delicate. However, by managing expectations, focusing on timeless principles, and embracing the importance of both internal and external success, we can navigate the path to personal growth with wisdom and resilience.

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Show notes:
(1:57) Expectations are dangerous?
(3:02) Your expectation determines your experience
(6:28) Fundamental principle
(9:08) The power of progress
(10:45) Internal success vs. External success
(13:03) Austin shares his top-notch experience working with Kevin under Next Level Podcast Solutions
(15:58) Fulfillment should have both internal and external success
(18:47) Understanding why to move the goalpost
(21:59) Empty and full
(23:45) Keep succeeding internally and externally
(27:14) Outro

Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

Speaker 1:

Next level nation. Welcome back to another episode of next level university, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. We hope you enjoyed yesterday's episode. Episode number 1547 scarcity, abundance and how they affect your growth sounds like a book title today for episode number 1548 an open conversation about expectations. So Alan has mentioned have you mentioned the name of the book that you've been reading on here? I Don't think. Okay, there's a book Alan is reading and when Alan gets super excited about a book, he recommends it. Slash forces me to read it. In this case, it was the second one where I was forced to read it with love, not not in a bad way.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it's world, it's a very good book and I'll let you give the name and all that, because I don't I don't remember it, but we'll get there. And and in one of the first chapters they're talking about expectations. And now expectations are really, really dangerous because, even if your quality of life increases, your expectations then increase and then unfortunately, you fall into the same pattern of not having Everything that you want and realistically, we're never gonna have everything we want. But I thought having an open conversation about expectations would be valuable, because I don't think we talk about ours very often, which might allow you, as the viewer or listener, to Hopefully increase self-awareness. And second piece I Was recommending a movie to Alan Oppenheimer. I recommended it for months, months and months, and months, and months and months and when.

Speaker 1:

Alan saw it. He said I was a little underwhelming and he said one of the reasons is because your expectations you created so many expectations based on you saying it was amazing and you telling me I needed to see it and I would, I would love the math and this and this and this. So that's another piece. Where we can go with this episode is your expectations oftentimes determine the outcome, your experience, your expectations determine your experience. That's a very, very early Next level nugget, this episode.

Speaker 2:

You also just did this with it's a wonderful life. I did. I got to stop doing it. No, it's. It's. It's overselling something, but it's not necessarily overselling. I mean, for all you know, it's gonna be that good.

Speaker 1:

I think it's gonna be this, this one, but I thought Oppenheimer was too, so who knows?

Speaker 2:

who knows I. For those of you who are long-term listeners, you'll remember this. For the new listeners, I will provide context. I Loved avatar to. I Also loved avatar one. It was 2009 and I had never seen a preview for the movie and I went to IMAX in Providence Place Mall and, with no preview, I had no idea the movie existed. It was just. I was in my college bubble at the time and me and my college friends went to see it and I was blown away. Whoa, can you imagine having no expectations and then going to see avatar it? It was unbelievable. One of the best experiences, yeah, one of the best experiences of my life. Why I'll decide that allowed, okay. Then, 11 years later, I think, he came out with avatar to and I was so pumped I think it was 11 years later, 2009 to 2022.

Speaker 1:

I think 2009 2022 is 13 years, 13 years but why am I thinking 11 years?

Speaker 2:

that I don't know. I Just remember James Cameron talking about how it took. 11 years later, something like doesn't matter here.

Speaker 2:

Here's the point. I went and saw avatar to In X plus theater, one of those really comfy theaters with Emilia 3d, sort of like IMAX but not IMAX, and it was unbelievable, even better than the first one. But my expectations were definitely higher because I went into the first one never having seen a preview, never having understood James Cameron or what was going on with Avatar, that world. I knew James Cameron as a director, you know Terminator, all that stuff, but I had never known that Avatar existed. And then it was like whoa. Then I had higher expectations for the next movie. Still blew my mind, it did. It still blew me out of the water and, pun intended, it's called the Way of Water People movie and I told the audience, I told the podcast listeners, I told everyone I could talk to basically all my clients.

Speaker 2:

I said that was the best cinematic experience I've ever had, which is saying something because I'm obsessed with movies and I've been going to the movies ever since I was a kid. I used to ride my bike to the movies on the reg. One of my clients disliked the movie so much that she left the theater.

Speaker 1:

I respect it.

Speaker 2:

I know you do and her and I were on a coaching session and she confronted me and it was playful and fun, but I realized that I overhyped the movie so much that she was expecting something very different. And so the idea in Morgan House's book it's called Same as Ever and it's unbelievable. So if you do love books, this is one of my top 10 books Hands down. It's unbelievable. I just finished it. It's so good. But essentially what it talks about is what has never changed, what's never going to change, what's always been true, what's always going to be true, and it's fundamental principles. So we talk a lot on this podcast about principles. Self-worth is always going to be a thing, always has been a thing, always will be a thing. Versus nuances of clubhouse, versus TikTok versus Instagram, social media has always been a thing. In some ways, media has always been a thing. Social media became a thing in the early 2000s. Myspace Day is all that and then it will always be a thing. Social media, from now on will always be a thing, assuming things continue trending in the same direction. On this podcast, we like to talk about things that will always be a thing because we are all unique, you are all unique Movies and your preferences in movies are unique. Your expectations are unique. Your goals are unique. Your core values and core aspirations and core beliefs are unique. Your thought processes are unique, but what never changes in this podcast is personal growth, self-improvement, health, wealth and love. So expectations.

Speaker 2:

In the book, morgan Housel is talking about how the goalpost always moves. That's why it can be so difficult. We had a listener who's in group coaching talk about how she is listening to episode 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, and Kevin and I playfully in the WhatsApp group for group coaching said why are you listening to those episodes? That's like going back and watching a movie from the 50s or from the 60s or from the 80s or whatever. The CGI is not as good. The film the video camera that it was filmed on, is not very good. As a matter of fact, if you have an iPhone, you probably have a better camera than what it's a wonderful life was recorded on, definitely, but the storytelling and the character development and the acting was probably really good. And it's a wonderful life, I'm presupposing. I've never seen it, but mostly so.

Speaker 2:

Here's what we live in a world where we have these expectations. Most of the time, it's unconscious. The moment we make more money, we immediately up the ante and change the goalpost, and so the idea here is you're sailing to the horizon, but the horizon never gets any closer. And so if you do believe that you're going to be happy when you get your BMW, or when you achieve that goal weight or when XYZ, you are wrong, and so am I. Rather than what we encourage is this idea that you're achieving your way to the unachievable and that that's a good thing, because growth and contribution and meaning come from progress. And so, no, it's kind of weird.

Speaker 2:

When we hit our financial goals in 2024, kevin and I are not going to suddenly be happy the moment we hit them. We're going to up the ante. Yeah, we'll have a little dopamine hit. Good job, strong work. What matters about hitting that goal is not the goal. What matters is building self-belief. What matters is the self-worth of look who we became to achieve it. What matters is what we learned along the way. That stuff is perpetual, and so I think that's really the idea here is let's get a hold of our expectations in advance, so that we don't have to constantly be playing this sort of unwinnable game.

Speaker 1:

What do you think is more important, internal success or external success? And I know, I don't know. I think they're probably the same level of importance, but what's your take on that?

Speaker 2:

I really appreciate the question. I think that's the question. So. I will start this with. That's a great question to consistently live in. I think internal, but I think you can take that too far and I have what are you trying to? I went from very externally.

Speaker 1:

Trying to ride the deer in the woods. You're going to tell that story, yeah yeah, yeah, if you want to tell that story for context there was a time in Allen's life where he got so centered in his words where he thought he could go into the woods and he could just energetically speak to the deer and then approach them and befriend them. And maybe he could. I don't know. I'm not saying he couldn't.

Speaker 2:

But I got to the point where they didn't run away, but you also, but I wasn't that close to them. I was in the same sort of I would say I was probably 100 feet away.

Speaker 1:

And at this point, were you financially abundant or no? No, no, I was energetically, Energetically.

Speaker 2:

But yeah, I was very fit and I was living my best life. But not external results, wise, nothing about my finances or my car or my home, none of that external material success was a thing. But internally I was super fulfilled, I was fit, super fit and I definitely loved my life and. I loved myself, but not from an ego place.

Speaker 1:

Well, even right now, there's two potential thoughts. For anybody watching or listening is if I had that? There's two expectations that come up. If I had that, this would happen. If I had that, then this would happen. So even that is another tributary of the same river, so to speak.

Speaker 2:

But it's a great question, kevin. I want to answer it this way I've met a lot of people with external success that are deeply unfulfilled, and I've also met a lot of people that are deeply fulfilled that have very little external success, and neither one of them, in my honest opinion, was appealing to me. When I was externally successful at the expense of my own fulfillment, I thought I wanted. I thought that I would rather be internally fulfilled and not externally successful. But unfortunately in the practical reality of the world, I needed money to be free. You can't sustain that and live in a home and start a family and have a car and travel. So the answer to your question is they both matter deeply. I would say inner fulfillment matters more than external success, but I think that everyone kind of needs both.

Speaker 1:

I am in agreement with that. I think if you work on yourself so diligently internally, the external world doesn't necessarily affect you as much. Now, obviously, there's still requirements and necessities and things that help circumstances, but I don't think it's the opposite where, if you have a ton of money, the external world doesn't affect you. Yeah, you have opportunity and you have different circumstances, but when you go to bed at night you still have the same thoughts in your head. I don't think the money is not going to change the thoughts in your head. The money is a mask for a lot of things, but so isn't being so transcendent and nothing externally affects you. That's also potentially kind of a mask as well. But yeah, and both are dangerous, I would say so.

Speaker 2:

If you think about someone who is so internally centered and fulfilled that they end up not eating as often, or Some people take it really, really, really extreme and I don't know if I'm explaining this properly, but it's almost like. It's almost like they could have done more, they could have become more they. I have one person I'm thinking of right now who's a sweetheart, wonderful human being, but she's not maximizing her potential and I and I know that it bothers her, even though she's very fulfilled and centered and she's definitely not wealthy and she's never gonna be and and that that kind of sucks. Because people like her. I Want to be more wealthy, I want them to strive more and and achieve more. I think the world will be a better place if there was more people like that, versus the opposite.

Speaker 2:

I know someone who's deeply insecure and unfulfilled but very externally successful and because of that, they have way more impact. I think that's what I'm gonna get to is there's so many people who are such wonderful human beings who have so much less impact because the influence of their material things is not noticeable from the outside looking in. I Think fulfillment from the inside looking out is really important. It's so critical, but it doesn't guarantee that from the outside, looking in, you're gonna have influence, because people are influenced by nice things, they're influenced by things they value and, for the less Transcendent, quote-unquote, it's.

Speaker 2:

It's tough sometimes to look up to someone who doesn't have things that you value, particularly if it's things that you think you want, like that new car, that new home or whatever. So I think both is the key. And when it comes back to expectations, if you expect external success to fulfill you External success alone to fulfill you, it will help, but if you expect external success alone to fulfill you, you're in trouble. If you expect to be able to be fulfilled without any external success, I actually think you're also in trouble. Interesting, and I've been there on both of those.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I can't imagine myself being fulfilled without some level of external success, just because I value that.

Speaker 2:

I value the certainty and the opportunity and the that stuff and the Significance and the growth and the contribution and yeah, I mean I Think that's very honest of you.

Speaker 1:

I do, I think it's very mature and honest of you I think most people are to admit of course, because it can be very Polarizing you know People always say don't tie yourself worth to anything external, and I just think that's impractical.

Speaker 2:

I think I understand the idea underneath it, but I Mean, I have an Apple watch and I have this really nice shirt, my hair is done up, I have this nice, beautiful backdrop with a nice camera, a great microphone. I live in a you know, beautiful condo with Emilia. She's beautiful. I mean, could I be fulfilled without any of that? Probably Could I be as fulfilled? Definitely not, definitely not. I tried, I tried and there's just no version of.

Speaker 2:

I think, that that's a very you know, I think a lot of people who are into Buddhism would disagree with me. But I think the idea that you can be entirely fulfilled without any external results, I do think that's a fugazi. I think that's just as dangerous as thinking that you know fame or success will fulfill you.

Speaker 1:

A very hyper conscious episode. If you sense my energy being off whether you're watching or listening, I'm just very tired. I got a very bad sleep score last night. I stayed up too late. Yesterday was the next level Hope Foundation event, which was wildly successful. But I'll tell you shout out to all the parents who were chasing around kids, because it is humbling and I did not get enough sleep so I am running on close to E.

Speaker 1:

I would say this this is my thesis and this will be my next level nugget there's nothing wrong with moving the goalposts, as long as you understand that moving the goalposts, then accomplishing it is probably not going to do, is not going to do that much, because you're going to end up moving the goalposts again. I don't think moving the goalposts is a bad thing because you're going to accomplish more than you would have if you didn't, most likely. But to your point, if it's the if, then if I get to this goalpost, then I will feel a certain way. I don't know if you can do that if you don't work on yourself internally. I don't know. Maybe you can if you don't have external results. I don't know. I've never tried to do it that way, really, because even from the very beginning we weren't focused on making money. But I knew I had to make money to survive and to provide for an eventual family.

Speaker 2:

As long as you can, you quickly tell that story about being fulfilled, even though you were the least externally successful you'd ever been.

Speaker 1:

I woke up one morning. I lived with my best friend, matt at the time. Matt was out of the house for the day. I woke up I walked out into the kitchen and I remember, just walking around the kitchen, the brokest I had ever been unreasonably single, with not a prospect of love in my life. The podcast was we were doing the podcast but nobody really cared.

Speaker 1:

We didn't really have any level of success, but I was the least successful externally I'd ever been, but I felt the most internally successful, self-aware, fulfilled, proud that I had ever felt. It was a really good feeling. I felt whole. Maybe that's the best way to explain it. I felt whole as a human, but I didn't have any money so I was scarce. I felt abundant in who I was, as Kevin, but I felt scarce with what I was able to do and how long I was going to be able to last. I also had a time where I was listening to Deepak Chopra and Sadguru every day and I was very spiritual. That was a really good place for me. But I was also very focused on making money because I couldn't those are the years I couldn't afford to buy Christmas presents for Tarant.

Speaker 1:

I don't know if I've ever just tried to do one without the other. I don't know if I've ever done that. What's worked really well for me is understanding. Now I understand this. I did it at the beginning. When you move the goalposts, that's okay, that's a good thing, it's not a bad thing. But if you have the expectations that the next place you park the goalposts is going to be the place where everything comes together, I don't really think that's ever going to happen, because you're always going to have more of an opportunity to work on yourself internally and externally, and when you get external results, you learn more about yourself internally at least you have the option to and when you learn more about yourself internally, you have options to change your external world as well.

Speaker 1:

Set up in this weird way.

Speaker 2:

Last question real quick. I know we got to jump. You talk about how you were the least externally successful you'd ever been, but you felt whole and abundant internally.

Speaker 1:

The best way to explain it.

Speaker 2:

yeah, but before that it was the opposite. You were externally successful but internally not whole. Can you talk about that briefly?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I was making six figures. There were times where I would have checks for $2,000 that I just wouldn't cash because I didn't have time and I didn't really need the money. So I just wait and go cash them all together, but I didn't know myself at all. I didn't have any connection to self-awareness. I didn't know why I was insecure. I didn't know why I was depressed. I didn't know why I was anxious. I didn't understand myself. I felt very lost. I felt very stuck.

Speaker 1:

I wasn't proud of what I was doing and I felt empty. I think empty and full are the two best ways to explain it. I felt like I was just doing everything. I was doing forever, hoping that eventually I'd do the right thing. That made me feel good. When the other way was, I was doing things that I love doing and I felt really good, but I was waiting for success, external success. So one time I had all the external success, but I felt like a huge failure internally. I didn't know myself at all. The other time, I had all what felt like the success internally, but I had none of the external success and I felt like an external failure.

Speaker 2:

It's so wild how the first one you're externally successful, but you're not sure you want to live like this for the long term, whereas the opposite was listen, I love my life and I love who I am, reasonably, but how do I play this longer? And you talked about suicidal ideation on the other side. So I would say, to answer the original through line of this episode and we'll jump is I think the first one is worse than the second one, but neither one of them is the whole game. I think you need it external and internal success and I think that you need goalposts for both. And when you when growth is the goal, you become fulfilled because you always are going to get that.

Speaker 2:

When growth and contribution or the goal, you're always going to get that because you're never not contributing, you're never not growing. Even if external success doesn't come, for one of our monthly meetups, for example, we still get to grow and contribute, and then a lot of times, success comes eventually too. So I think that you kind of win. You opt out of the unwinnable game of constantly moving the goalposts, hoping you're successful, and you opt into a winnable game where, even if three people show up, we're going to grow and we're going to contribute.

Speaker 1:

Very well said and hopefully, yeah, thank you, thank you.

Speaker 2:

And hopefully eventually success comes from that and I do believe it does. I do believe it does If you do a good job at it and you know, learn money and all that kind of stuff. So we'll talk about wealth on another episode. That's my next level. Nugget is external success without internal success is not success. Internal success without any external success is not sustainable, and so try to work on both.

Speaker 1:

And that's the whole premise of life love, health and wealth, everything 360. I believe success is all of those things and that's my frame, because I want to be able to give back and I want to be able to provide for my family and I want to be able to be able to have the abundance to do this and grow and evolve and all that. If you are looking for more well rounded, quote, unquote success, holistic success, please join our private Facebook group next level nation, where there's always conversations going on about growth. I know we had something in there about my recent conversation about Titanic, so get in there and let us know what you think about Titanic. Link will be in the show. That's as always.

Speaker 2:

The group coaching program that you've heard many times before unless you're a new listener, which case is the first time you're hearing about it. 12 weeks, six sessions with connection calls in between. We're going to be there with you every step of the way, like minded, growth, oriented individuals, support, inclusivity, accountability. Group coaching is one of the only programs that I've ever personally seen that is holistic. You're going to learn physical, mental, emotional, spiritual health. You're going to learn wealth how to create it, sustain it and you're going to learn love and relationships friends, family, intimate relationships, colleagues, mentors, mentees, clients. It's very, very holistic 90 days with a group of like minded people, and it's unreasonably affordable. You can go to the landing page right now. The link will be in the show notes. There's a video on there. We need to update the video because it's a little bit scripted, but the information's there. Good, there is good. The information. They're good. The information in the video is rock solid, but Kevin and I are basically just talking to the camera reading the script.

Speaker 1:

We were trying to figure it out. We were trying to figure it out back then.

Speaker 2:

We got to redo that, but check that out. All the information you need is there and with the promo code hashtag NLU listener I don't know why I said hashtag NLU listener Use promo code NLU listener and you'll get 30% off at checkout and it comes to $97 per month for the three month program and you can pay month to month with an option that we have available on the website. Check that out. We hope you join us. We've already got a couple spots locked and group 13 is going to be awesome.

Speaker 1:

Tomorrow for episode number 1,549,. This might be a controversial one. It's not your responsibility to fix anyone. I'm going to tell a story that it's easy to talk about now, but in the past it was something that was very close to home and definitely something that shifted me and shaped me into who I am today. So that is what we will talk about tomorrow. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you, nlu, we do not have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow.

Speaker 2:

Keep succeeding internally and externally. Next level nation.

Speaker 1:

Boom. That was a good one. I was nervous at the beginning. I couldn't even formulate a thought. My brain is fried right now.

People on this episode

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Alan Lazaros

Host
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Kevin Palmieri

Host