Next Level University

#1551 - What Would Happen If You Started Honoring Yourself First?

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

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Ever felt like you're living a life that's not truly yours? We've certainly been there, peeling back the layers of our experiences, looking at times when we've sacrificed our authenticity for approval. In this episode, hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros discussed venturing into self-loss, conformity, and authenticity. The stories they share are painful yet enlightening - instances when times we repressed our true selves to win acceptance from others. However, we've learned that the most precious gift we can give ourselves is to live a life that's true to us. Would you rather be loved for being someone else's version of you or find pleasure in accepting and loving your authentic self?

Links mentioned:
Next Level Nation - https://www.facebook.com/groups/459320958216700
Next Level Monthly Meetup #25: "Creating Clear Foals For 2024" on January 4th, 2024, 06:00 PM EST - https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/monthly-meetups/

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Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/neverquitkid/
Alan: https://www.instagram.com/alazaros88/

Show notes:
(1:26) Kevin's life journey
(3:52) How aligned your life is?
(5:29) What does success look like?
(6:40) Accept hard truths, discover yourself, change your life and self-loss
(9:34) Live your life true to yourself and not what others expect of you.
(11:32) Whatever you are, be a good one
(13:11) The abandonment of your uniqueness and the ego
(17:13) Austin shares his top-notch experience working with Kevin under Next Level Podcast Solutions
(19:21) Simplification makes more things clear
(22:00) Multiply your greatness
(24:23) Stick to your true self
(29:58) Outro

Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

Speaker 1:

Next level nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. We hope you enjoyed yesterday's episode. Episode number 1550, are you too selfless? I have since fixed my chair. I'm back in the driver's seat Today for episode number 1551,. What would happen if you started honoring yourself first? I was doing a reflective, a reflection on my life recently, which led to me staying up until 2am listening to old music from high school and bawling my eyes out, and I told you that Nice.

Speaker 1:

I think I told you that it was wild, I don't know. I was yeah, love the way you lie, by M&M and just like old songs and it was like whoa All the feelings coming back. But the one thing that I believe I have had the privilege of doing for as long as I can remember long before I was an adult is I had the opportunity to honor myself first. I was never pressured into going to college. My family said do whatever you want. When I left, I technically got fired from the gas station because I was looking for another job and I was kind enough to tell them they didn't take too kindly to that something. They fired me when I decided to work third shift. That's what I had to do to get by. Nobody ever pushed back on that. When I went and it was a personal trainer nobody pushed back on that. When I paid $1,500 to get out of my personal training contract because I hated it so much and it was sucking the life out of me, nobody said anything about that. When I took a job that required traveling and I spent 10 months living on the road and didn't see anybody my family, my friends that much. I felt like I had the permission to do that. I felt like I was able to honor myself first. If I didn't do any of those things, if I didn't do all those things, would I be where I am today? Most likely not. I don't even know how I am where I am today. If you took out any of those building blocks, I probably wouldn't be where I am.

Speaker 1:

So much to the fact that when I decided when Alan and I really decided together, but when I made the decision that I'm going to leave my job and do this full time, the reason I did that is because that was what I felt would serve me the best Not serve my parents, not serve my friends, not serve my reputation on Facebook or Instagram I was scared of that for sure. I was afraid of the judgment that would come with that, but my deep belief was at the end of the day, this is my life. Nobody else is ever going to have to live it, except for me. If I'm not doing things that I actually enjoy doing, I am going to be in this long weird journey and I'm going to be miserable.

Speaker 1:

I used to have a quote and I don't know. I don't remember it very well, but it was something along the lines of life is too short if you find something you love and you want to do it every day forever. Life is too long if you're doing something you hate every day because you'll hear people say life is too short or life is too long. I think it depends entirely on how aligned your life is. I appreciate that very much and that speaks to what we're talking about today. What would happen if you started honoring yourself first? My story, as I just shared quickly, is it got me to a place where now I'm able to put myself first even more, even more than I ever had or have or had. But would I have that opportunity if I didn't start that in the first place?

Speaker 2:

Well, Kev, what I think is unique about your journey and I want to make this clear to all our listeners and I didn't understand this at all until, like when we first met, I had no idea. But now I understand we've had some conversations about our lives and things like that and I now realize that a lot of parents are unintentionally. You hear the doctor, lawyer, engineer failure I had never heard that until you told me that Really.

Speaker 1:

Yeah the first time I ever heard that was from you.

Speaker 2:

Well, a lot of parents, unconsciously. They want their kids to be successful. They want their kids to be happy totally understandable. But a lot of them consider their children a reflection of themselves, and so if you do have an adult or a parent or a caregiver who really cares about their perception like if you, being a doctor, makes them look really good to their peers then they're going to really unconsciously steer you in that direction. So, for example, when you randomly went to your mom and memes and said I want to be a professional fighter, if they aren't afraid of looking bad when you do that, then you're good, it's not a big deal. And so I had a lot sort of my family wanted to see me succeed and I think a lot of families have narrow views of what success looks like, especially in the past. I think that's opening up quite a bit in the 21st century, but anyway. So where did this episode come from?

Speaker 2:

I'm reading a book right now called it's On Me Love that title. It's On Me Accept hard truths, discover yourself and change your life. It's by a woman named Sarah Kubrick and she talks about her story, about how she, in clinical psychology, she's a therapist and there's something called self-loss and while we may not know or have studied this in psychology, we know when we've been victim of it or guilty of it in our own life. Self-loss is kind of what we talked about in the last episode of you don't put yourself first, you don't invest in yourself, you'd rather belong than stand out. So I certainly experienced this in high school. I don't know if everyone did, but I definitely did. Where I wanted to fit in, I wanted to fit in with the popular kids and I would be willing to suppress who I am or contort who I am to get approval, and I think all of us do that to some extent. Some of that is for survival, some of that is growing up. You kind of have to please your parents because they're your caregivers. So I get it. I'm not making that wrong, and I don't know if I know anyone who doesn't do that to some extent.

Speaker 2:

Contorting who you are to be liked or accepted is not uncommon. That's not a you problem, that's a human problem. This woman, sarah Kubrick, talks about how she lost herself and how she helps people with self-loss. And self-loss is, you know, instead of saying I love pizza, someone else is saying well, I hate pizza and you're like you know what? I hate pizza too, because you'd rather be in rapport with that person than disagree with them. And we all do this to some extent, but to what extent?

Speaker 2:

And I think that as I get older and more mature and I accept myself more and I align with who I really am more whatever you are, be a good one. I say that quote often, shout out to Jerry Ann, who has that on her wall. I think I accept who I am more and more and more, year after year, and I'm less and less and less likely to contort who I am to get approval, and I think that that's a lot of what growing up is. When we're kids, I think we're unapologetically ourselves. Even if we don't get along with our peers, we say things like they are. Kids can sometimes be overly, overly truthful about to each other and they can bully each other and say harsh truths at times.

Speaker 1:

Definitely.

Speaker 2:

An example would be mommy, you look fat. In that it's like the kid isn't trying to be mean, they're just saying hard truths. They don't understand the nuances of how unkind that might be to someone who's insecure about their weight. And then we get into high school and this is when I started to suppress myself and I want the listeners thinking of themselves. But I think as a kid I kind of knew who I was and I was not really bashful about it. I was very outgoing with it. I liked getting really good at stuff and I remember one of my friends saying you know, alan, you don't got to be the best at everything. And I remember I said to him and this was me just as a kid I said no, kiki, you don't have to be the best at everything I do. What I really was saying underneath that is I love getting good at stuff, I love it. I love mastery, I love growth. I'm not going to play basketball just for fun. That's not who I am. I'm going to play basketball to get better, even when I'm alone. I am timing myself to see if I can get 11 shots within the next 40 minutes. I literally set a timer. I just love getting better. I love it. That's who I really am.

Speaker 2:

Then in high school I kind of found out that that's not really cool. Being smarter than other people isn't really accepted and cool you make people feel bad about themselves. Being better than actually, I started to suppress Because I love getting better at stuff. I always have, whether it was video games or snowboarding or basketball or whatever, whatever passion it was. I love getting really good at stuff. But I realized that my friends really don't like that. I'm better than them at everything and I don't really fit in when I'm better than. So what if I just dim myself a little bit? What if I just, you know, I'll be just good enough? Instead of being the best on the basketball court, I'll be second best, or I'll be a little bit better than the best, but I'll stay there because that's comfortable.

Speaker 2:

Then you get older and 26 happened and I got in a car accident and I reevaluated my life and I talk about the top five. Or gets the dying. This is the same through line of self loss, and Kevin and I interviewed a woman named Ronnie Ware and she wrote a book called the Top Five Regrets of the Dying, and the number one regret of the dying is. I wish I had lived the life true to myself and not what others expected of me.

Speaker 2:

So, after 26, I found myself again and I stopped trying to fit in and I stopped drinking alcohol and I stopped doing any drugs and I started going all in on self improvement, which is what I used to do as a kid. I just didn't know that's what you call it. I just thought I wanted to win at video games or win at basketball or win at whatever, and so we lose ourselves when we're trying to fit in more than we're trying to be ourselves. And so self loss is what this episode is about Honoring who you really are.

Speaker 2:

Whatever you are, be a good one. I'm someone who loves to get better. I always have and I always will, and now that I'm leaning into that, I'm also spending my life and investing my life and helping other people get better, and that's awesome, that's not bad, that's great, and some people do not like it, some people never will like it, but I love it. So I think that, whatever that is for you, hopefully you can find that thing whatever it is and design your life around who you really are, rather than constantly contorting who you are to try to belong or fit in.

Speaker 1:

I doubt it's this simple, this easy or this direct. But would you rather be liked by everyone for being exactly what they want you to be, or would you rather be loved by yourself for being who you know you're supposed to be? That's how I think. I really think of it from that perspective and I think we're all. When you're in a group of other people, we all wanna fit in to some degree. At times. Maybe you're at a stage in your life excuse me, right now where that isn't the case and you feel super comfortable in yourself and awesome. I love that for you if that's the case.

Speaker 1:

But I still have those moments where I'm in a room with a bunch of other people that just don't necessarily value what I value. I tend to just shut down, I just don't talk. That's just the way I do it. That just seems to work best for me. But that has taken a long time. That's taken years and years, and years and years, and it almost sounds like when you're explaining it. It's almost the abandonment of your uniqueness to just to fit in.

Speaker 1:

Let me just get rid of all the stuff that makes me unique, because if I have any of my uniqueness left, people are gonna see that. And what are we made fun of and what are we traumatized around the most? Our uniqueness. Not the stuff that makes us like everybody else. It's the stuff that makes us different than everybody else.

Speaker 1:

Unfortunately, unfortunately, it's again. It's one of those things. It's very weird how it's all set up. The thing that makes you the most different somehow, for some reason, ends up being a target, I don't know why, because it's different, I guess, and different is scary to many people. And then that's the thing that you work the rest of your life to uncover the thing that you were so good at when you were young. I remember I told this story on a podcast recently. I remember hearing stories from my Nana, my grandmother on my dad's side, because I did know her and she used to tell me stories how we would go down to the beach and I would just run around butt naked when I was a baby I don't know how, old, young enough where it wasn't weird, put it that way and I said on the podcast.

Speaker 1:

I said, well, why don't I do that anymore One?

Speaker 2:

because it's a crime, and there would be a lot of things that would come with that.

Speaker 1:

But, I said, eventually you get to the point where, to your point, you care what everybody thinks. You don't really care what anybody thinks when you're young because you don't really have an ego yet. You don't really know. You don't know what judgment it feels like Then, when you get into your teenage years and you're looking around saying what is this person thinking about me? And then, as you get older and older and older, hopefully, you start to uncondition all of the judgment that has convinced you to be someone that you're not. Maybe and my next level nugget in the goal for this episode is to speed that up. I do believe you and I are blessed because we had our quarter life crisis in our mid-20s, definitely, and we had a lot of necessity to look in the mirror and say, okay, what do I like about myself? What do I not like about myself? What do I secretly like about myself that I wish I could like about myself in front of other people? That's a really good question to ask yourself. That's a good one. And then I tried to be you for a few years. I think you had bouts of trying to be more like me, definitely. And then we got to the point where it was like I don't know man, I just don't think that's sustainable. I don't think it's sustainable for you to To go away every weekend. I don't think it's sustainable for me to say I'm never gonna have a drink in my life, or I'm never gonna smoke weed, or I'm never gonna watch UFC on Saturday. I don't. I Used to.

Speaker 1:

There was a pressure for a long time as the host of a self-improvement podcast. There was a pressure for a long time to be dialed in all the time Mm-hmm, and I thought that's what I was supposed to be. I thought I was supposed to be Just on 24 7 never did a bad thing. 24 7 self-improvement, and I do that to a degree, but it's not the same as Alan. Alan does it more than I do. For a long time that scared me, and I was. I Wanted to be more like Alan and I want Alan to think that I was like Alan.

Speaker 1:

And now, more than ever, I think we've given ourselves in each other their permission to say just just do what you do, man, mm-hmm, as long as it's not bad, as long as it kev, don't get wasted and go out driving like that's not cool. Don't do that. That's done. Don't do that. If you want to have a whiskey on a Friday, okay, man, cool. That is kind of the journey we've been on together. So it definitely helps when you have people around you that can, that can give you permission, even though you don't need it. Sometimes we want a little, a little bit of permission from the people around us. Maybe it's just to be seen. Hey, I see you searching for yourself. You can do that, you can do that here. Yeah, do it, do it, do whatever not gonna harm me, yeah. So sometimes it helps to have someone around you that can, can bounce things off of I.

Speaker 2:

Was on a podcast earlier His name was Daniel awesome interview and we were talking about our business and he asked me some questions about it. I said I think that all of us are more of An artist or a scientist and I think the world needs both. I think we're all righty or lefty I do, and it's an oversimplification, but I think sometimes simplification makes things more clear. Kev, you're an artist man. I Want to go with the flow and I love math equations.

Speaker 1:

I have Bunsen burners and beakers in my studio. I'm measuring the shit out all the time. I have those the the thing you turn the flame on and I'm. I got stuff boiling all the time and stuff. Huge fan science love it. I mean I gravity and stuff. I'm big into it. I'm definitely the the artist.

Speaker 2:

Yes, yeah, and I think we're all righty and lefty, we can all use our right and our left, but we're already or lefty and I think we could all use with some being ambidextrous. And so I Was telling this guy on the podcast. I said I'm the scientist and anyone who's listening you know the scientist, the engineer, the rational, logical thinker, and Structure is important. And and I said, shout out to the artists, we love you. If everyone was an engineer and a scientist like me, this world will be boring as hell. That's right up.

Speaker 2:

Okay, everything would be utility and it would just be boring numbers, utility verse, and so I've got a little artist in me, but my scientist is bigger. Kevin's got a little scientist in him, but his artist is bigger and we're better together. And If you are more of an artist, you love to go with the flow, you love freedom, you love expression, you love the arts and you love experiences and you love emotions. That's all awesome. It's all awesome, but you could use a little structure. You know it. You know you need some structure and you know you need some discipline and you know you need some calendar and some, some, some rails, and that's okay, not so much that you are not feeling like you, but to amplify the art. And then with me it's the opposite. I have to literally put on my calendar to, to R&R, to do nothing, to go Spontaneity. Emilia says we need some more spontaneity, we have to schedule spontaneity. It's. It's not like that for everybody. And so you've got the artist and the scientist and and it's the righty and the lefty and the artist needs more structure, the, the. The scientist needs more flow, the scientist needs more flow.

Speaker 2:

Kevin talked on this podcast. He said listen, man, we're overdoing it, this top 10. You know reasons why to do. We keep driving to five. When it becomes overly structured, he pushes back a little. When it becomes overly, just show up and let it ride. I'm like dude, I don't feel like we're doing a good job, and so we've constantly learned how to progressively become more of who we are, and we're better together than we were apart. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts, and so, back to the original point of this. It's on me the self-loss piece. Just because you lean into who you are does not mean you're gonna be alone. It's yin and yang, not yin and yang. It's not yang and yang and yin and yin. It's yin and yang.

Speaker 1:

I still am not entirely sure what it even means. It means masculine and feminine, chaos and order, scientists and artists, and then drive to five and I've never asked you this before the sum of the parts is greater than the whole. Okay, two plus two is four. Separate, it's two and two. We have time for this or no? The?

Speaker 2:

sum is greater than the whole. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, what is that? What the hell does that mean?

Speaker 2:

It means uh, okay, two plus three is five, correct. Okay, two times three is six.

Speaker 2:

So, the whole is greater than the sum of its parts is kind of like a multiplier instead of a addition. So you and I multiply each other's greatness rather than just add. If that makes sense? No, it does make sense, okay, cool. So if Kevin's an eight out of 10 and I'm a seven out of 10, eight plus seven if we didn't get along is what? 15, 15, eight times seven is 56. 56. So we're exponentially better together than a part.

Speaker 1:

That's the idea. That's wild, real quick. Last thing, and I promise I'll give it to you, you ever yeah, I know I'm not gonna say it because you're a math guy I heard something the other day and somebody was like, isn't it doesn't make any sense how one times one is one, because everything else times one is different. And the way it was explained is I know I know it won't be for you, but somebody it was on a documentary or something I was watching I was like you're saying that's something that could actually be something and it's just the number, the amount of time. So it's like 100 times one is just 100. Sorry, it's 100 times. So one times one is just one.

Speaker 2:

One time, which is one, yes, yes, yes, as a math find I appreciate this conversation.

Speaker 1:

What right? When I started going down that path, I had realized that you would not be bought into my conversation, because you know math better than I do. Okay, I adore it.

Speaker 2:

No, no, it's all good. I Finish strong, finish strong. I do believe all of us experience self-loss and I recommend the book. It's called it's On Me by Sarah Kubrick, and she talks about how she had a panic attack in an airplane and she realized that she was in a marriage she doesn't wanna be in in a job she fucking hates pardon my French and I know I just hammered it.

Speaker 2:

No, I'm taking it, but at the end of the day you have to reassess, look in the mirror like is this who you really wanna be? Is this who you really are? I lost myself for so many years and my midlife crisis happened at a quarter of life. So I was 26,. Kevin was 26 when he had suicidal ideation. We don't have time for those stories right now, but we both faced mortality in our own unique way at 26 years old, and fortunately that happened because we woke up and realized we are not living a life true to ourself. And so that's where I'll end with is you gotta know yourself and you've gotta align with who you are really and who you aspire to be really. And that takes an honest conversation, and the more you discover, the more you evolve, the more you grow, the more you're gonna have to have that conversation with yourself, and so the only wrong answer is to sit back and live a life that's not true to who you are, and hopefully NLU helps you on that journey.

Speaker 1:

If you've ever struggled when you think of what does success mean to you? Maybe what does alignment mean to you, is a good place to start, because, to your point, the first step is figuring out who you actually are Like. Who are you at the core of who you are? Then that's the start, and then that season of life is trying to get in alignment with that person. Then we see what that work. What does that look like in life? What kind of results do you get? What kind of relationships do you get? Then from there you can hone. But I think that's the first step is who am I? Deep, deep episode today.

Speaker 2:

Very good, I would say strong to semi-strong, strong to semi-strong.

Speaker 1:

So one one time is one. I you know who knew. One five times is five, mayhem amazing. It is amazing. Five Five times 25, wow, math, math is life. If you have not yet joined our private Facebook group, next level nation, we do math lessons in there every single day.

Speaker 1:

No, we don't we don't do any math lessons in next level nation, but it is a group of like-minded individuals who want Figure out more about who they are. They want to get more into alignment, more authenticity, more connection what we all long for as human beings. So, as always, the link will be in the show notes. We would absolutely love to have you in there. The question of the day today or yesterday I believe was Sunset versus sunrise.

Speaker 2:

Would you do?

Speaker 1:

sunrise.

Speaker 2:

Sunrise for you. I knew you do that.

Speaker 1:

I don't see sunset usually because I'm working you you like the morning. I love the morning, love to wake up early, yeah not for me, understand up, not for me. You didn't yank, so I'm sunset but you like to stay up late. Oh yeah, man, I don't. You're going to the gym after this 9, 30, 9, 15, you're going for a walk.

Speaker 2:

I'm gonna go for a walk on the stars.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I'm going for a walk to the bed, walk into the stars.

Speaker 2:

Man, it's good stuff. I love the evening I do. The evening is a special time bed, of course it is. Even. Yeah, I know it's gonna be sunrise, I'm sunset, so nice to meet you.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, there's something to that, but anyways, okay, what were we doing? Oh, yeah, yeah, the next month you meet up it's gonna be January 4th, thursday, january 4th, yep, and it's creating, creating clear goals for 2024. Start 2024 off With clarity on your future goals, future self, and we'll make sure that the goals are aligned with who you really are. Okay, we're gonna help you with that. January 4th, click the link in the show notes and register, and we will see you there 2024?

Speaker 1:

you believe. You and I graduated high school 17 years ago. Holy s Wow. I met real quick before we go I I got a buddy at jujitsu. His name is Ryan, he's a police officer, and I said how long you've been a police officer for, and he said 15 years. And I said you are 25 years Old. There's no possible way. You've been a police officer 15 years. He said I'm 40. I started in 2008. I said I graduated high school in 2007. How is that even possible? None of this makes sense.

Speaker 2:

There's no way.

Speaker 1:

The numbers don't add up, so brother with 35 years old. I know I don't think so, though I Don't feel it.

Speaker 2:

No, no, I'm wonder.

Speaker 1:

I'm waiting on that day where I wake up and feel like an actual adult.

Speaker 2:

I had a moment where I was like does anybody but does?

Speaker 1:

anybody feel like an adult, or does everybody just feel the way I feel, but just in their own unique way? I?

Speaker 2:

Feel it's good, we'll do an episode. We should do an episode on that you want to do something similar? Time, time and age. It wouldn't be the worst episode. We can talk about how things have progressed over the years for everybody.

Speaker 1:

We'll figure it out. Maybe, maybe, maybe there's a lot of math.

Speaker 2:

here You're talking about 2007.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, graduated high school.

Speaker 2:

One thing I will say and for the listeners, hopefully we're not wasting your time it's kind of nice to have gone to high school with you and middle school Because you and I can reference things way back and learn from. It's kind of like watching Finding Nemo. You see the movie way back in the day I went. I went to see that movie in 2004. Okay, it's a great movie. You can hate on it all you want. It's a great movie.

Speaker 1:

I don't.

Speaker 2:

When you watch it as an adult, you read, you see things you never saw before. It's it's even better as an adult. That's like talking about high school with you. It's. It's even better than we thought in terms of the lessons and and what came of it you know?

Speaker 1:

no, it was terrible.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it was worse than we thought. So it's better than I thought, worse than you thought, but at the end of the day, I'm just grateful that we can do that so totally irrelevant.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, all this is I don't. I just want to keep talking. I love podcasting it's. I'm a huge fan of it. I enjoy it. All right, as always. We love you, we appreciate you. We are grateful for each and every one of you. Thank you for sticking with us with our weird conversation and, as always at NLU, we do not have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow.

Speaker 2:

Stick to your true self, next up on nation.

People on this episode

Head Shot

Alan Lazaros

Host
Head Shot

Kevin Palmieri

Host