Next Level University

#1552 - A Big Lie About Self-Improvement

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

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Ready to upgrade your perspective on personal growth? In this episode, hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros discuss the challenge of the "before and after" mindset, commonly portrayed in weight loss ads, and encourage you to embrace self-improvement as a daily commitment. Remember that success cannot be owned by health, wealth, or love. It must be earned every day. This journey toward personal growth is a continuous one. Regardless of our current skill level, there's always room for improvement. The goal is not to attain finite results but to engage in an infinite game where our mindset and approach to life influence the results.

Links mentioned:
Next Level Nation - https://www.facebook.com/groups/459320958216700
Next Level Monthly Meetup #25: "Creating Clear Foals For 2024" on January 4th, 2024, 06:00 PM EST - https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/monthly-meetups/

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Alan: https://www.instagram.com/alazaros88/

Show notes:
(1:35) This is a forever thing
(4:12) The house analogy and success are not ownable
(5:38) Observation from marriage
(7:20) Understanding finite vs infinite game
(11:15) Persistence and tenacity
(14:10) Austin shares his top-notch experience working with Kevin under Next Level Podcast Solutions.
(15:51) Self-belief in your unique capabilities
(18:12) Alan's story of failing forward
(21:47) Life is an everyday gradual gathering
(24:24) Personal growth is an infinite game
(27:02) Outro

Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

Speaker 1:

If you want to be a really good parent and that's your goal that is the main thing that gets you up out of bed every single morning, because your parents weren't great and you want to be the best one you can be. That is forever, maybe. Right now you are the best parent you've ever been. Awesome, I love that. I love that, but it doesn't mean you're going to be. You're the best parent you're ever going to be the Infinite.

Speaker 2:

Game. If you're trying to get great results without the understanding of finite versus infinite games, you're in a lot of trouble because you basically will lose those results the moment you get them.

Speaker 1:

Welcome to Next Level University. I am your host, Kevin Paul Mary.

Speaker 2:

And I am your co-host, Alan Lazarus.

Speaker 1:

At Next Level University. We believe in a heart-driven but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers.

Speaker 2:

We bring you seven episodes per week to help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth.

Speaker 1:

Self-improvement in your pocket, every day, from anywhere, for free. Welcome to Next Level University, next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. We hope you enjoyed yesterday's episode, episode number 1551, what Would Happen If you Started Honoring Yourself First. Today for episode number 1552, a big lie about self-improvement.

Speaker 1:

I don't know if it's really a lie, maybe a big misconception of self-improvement. I want you to imagine that you see an ad for a weight loss product Maybe it's a supplement, a workout regimen, whatever it is and what are they going to do? They're going to show you a before and they're going to show you an after, but there is an after the after and there is a before the before. I'm focused on the after the after. A big misconception, a common misconception. Something that I wish I realized earlier on is that there is no before and after in self-improvement, because self-improvement is forever. Getting better is forever, whatever better means to you. Self-awareness, it's not something that you have or you don't. It's something that you have more than you ever have or you don't. Confidence same thing, and I'm definitely guilty of this. I always try not to say three steps to become confident. I could say three steps to become the most confident you ever have, but that doesn't mean you're done being confident, or you're confident forever, or you're done pursuing confidence. Three steps to have the best relationship you've ever had. It doesn't mean once you do these three steps, it's easy forever and you never have to do anything anymore, and I really think that's important because it helps us set the right expectations of this journey. This is a forever thing, just like the person in the before and after. After they took that picture, that person had to continue doing what they were doing to get the results for as long as they wanted to keep the results.

Speaker 1:

I have my world famous quote that several people have heard when you stop doing what gets you to the dance, you don't get to dance anymore, and I think this is a really good example of that. In a nutshell, so a big lie, a big misconception. Something we would all probably have a little bit more empowerment if we knew earlier on is that there is no before and after. You're just working on different stuff. Yes, you could say before I wasn't very confident and today I'm the most confident I've ever been, but being the most confident you've ever been does not mean that's where you stop. Just like being the smartest you've ever been, being the best partner you've ever been, being the best communicator, being the most empathetic. That means you're the highest you've ever been on that scale, but it does not mean that scale is over yet.

Speaker 2:

The best quote that I like for this is when you buy a house, you see the picture on Facebook of that young couple buying their first home beautiful photo, beautiful yard and it's a big deal, but they still have to pay a mortgage for the next 30 years. And I just the success quote of success is not ownable, whether it's health, wealth or love. You cannot own it, you cannot ever have it. It's not a possession, it's only something you can rent and the rent is due every day. That kind of thing, and no matter what it is. Seriously, I mean this is one of the reasons why I think when I was young, I used to think marriage was something I might not want. And the reason why is because when I looked around, the married couples that I saw didn't seem very fulfilled or happy or in love. And now I've seen many really happy and fulfilled marriages. I also coach many happy and fulfilled marriages, but and now that I'm with Emilia, there's no question I mean I'm super pumped. I've actually, it's interesting the one, the one woman who I've been with long term, who never pressured me to get married, is the one that I want to marry. It's wild, but anyways, that's in the future.

Speaker 2:

So the thing about marriage that I think I noticed when I was younger because I've always been kind of analyzing everything was when you get married, all of a sudden it's like well, you're mine now, and that mentality underneath it kind of ruins the relationship sometimes, where, whereas in the beginning you were trying to earn your partner's love every day, you were trying to dress nice and you were trying to buy them flowers and you were trying to take them on dates and you were trying to court them courtship, and now that you're married it's well, now it's a given. So you get a little entitled and I think that with success it's unownable. With marriage it's unownable. With fitness it's unownable. You earn it every day or you don't, and everything that you value has to be earned every day. I do believe that to be true. I think all valuable things in life will be, will erode, they'll erode and you have to build them all the time. I say this to Kev all the time, behind the scenes, I say another nail in the structure and I think that underneath that is this idea that we're building this every day. I mean NL Youth, like if you're out there watching or listening. We have to do this work every day. We batch content, but there's so many people that are working so hard to even make this possible, and the moment that you and I are not able or capable or want to do this, this would all go. Fortunately, I don't intend on ever doing that. I know you don't either, but I think that that's the mentality that people need to have.

Speaker 2:

And the very last piece that I'll share is this idea of a finite game versus an infinite game. I did a team training. I do team trainings every month with the NLU team and I did a training once about the different ways people think, and I've been studying the ways people think ever since I was very young. The very first personal development book I ever got was actually called how Successful People Think, and one of the reasons, one of the ways how successful people think, is infinite. They don't think in finite games.

Speaker 2:

I don't think that the next house is going to make me happy. I don't think that the next NLU team member is going to make me happy. I don't think that the next episode is going to make me happy. I don't think that the next car that I get is going to make me successful. There isn't any of that in my mentality and I understand why a lot of people fall for that, and I want to hopefully help all NLU listeners play an infinite game.

Speaker 2:

An infinite game is I want to be the best I can be. A finite game is I want to lose 10 pounds in 10 weeks. All of us are living in both and that's why it's so confusing. The next car does matter, the next house does matter, the next workout does matter, the scale does matter, but it also doesn't, and that's the duality we all have to live in. We have to live in this world where, yes, the next, if you're a chess master, a finite game is this next chess match. But if you want to be the best chess player you can be, you can bleep. It doesn't really matter if you win or lose that much, but it also does. This podcast episode right now could be awful and it kind of doesn't matter that much.

Speaker 1:

Because it's just one of Unless we stop because of it.

Speaker 2:

If we stop because of it, that's a great point. If this episode sucks so bad and I can't speak and then we get so emotionally hurt that we decide to stop, then you're right, this episode mattered a ton. But if we don't stop, this episode only matters to the extent that it builds on the next one, and builds on the next one, and builds on the next one. Everything in life is an accumulation Weight accumulates, health accumulates, life accumulates, your relationship, love accumulates, trust accumulates, finance, wealth accumulates, podcast episodes accumulate. We've been having a run rate lately of a thousand episodes a day every day for a couple weeks.

Speaker 1:

It's actually been like a month it's been amazing.

Speaker 2:

What did you say? A thousand listens. You said a thousand episodes. Oh, I did A thousand listens a day, a thousand episodes a day. Whoops, I have ruined this episode. A thousand listens a day for a long time. We actually today, kev, we just, I think we hit 600 or something.

Speaker 1:

Seven, seven something.

Speaker 2:

I was like, oh no, we broke the streak Of a thousand episodes a day. No, a thousand listens a day. But that's the last thing I'll share is the infinite game. If you're trying to get great results without the understanding of finite versus infinite games, you're in a lot of trouble because you basically will lose those results the moment you get them.

Speaker 1:

I did a weird thing with clients yesterday. I have two clients who like to have me online with them when they're doing their recordings. They just like to have me there to oversee and make sure everything's flowing. And they've only recorded two episodes and I said you have to understand that right now that's probably as good as you're going to be able to do it. But that's okay, nobody cares, it doesn't matter, it's not that big of a deal. I know it feels like a big deal and I completely understand, because in the beginning that is one of the things that held me back, but it only matters as much as how long you do it for in this weird way to what Alan is saying and I said that to a client today who I'm trying to help become a better speaker. And if you need help, alan, I can also. I will give you my card at the end of this episode, totally kidding.

Speaker 2:

Kevin at NextLevelUniversecom.

Speaker 1:

Kevin at NextLevelUniverse. I'm really excited. I'm really trying to work on my speaking. I'll say that I can fit you into my busy schedule. All I said to this person was they said I want to understand my message better and I want to do this and I want to do this, and I said you have to start speaking. It's not really something you and I are going to come up with behind the scenes. You need to just get out there and practice. And I said the same exact thing you said. Honestly, the social media posts that you put up today doesn't really matter, unless it is so good that it goes viral or it is so bad that it goes viral. It doesn't really matter, because if you're going to post something tomorrow, it'll be a little bit better than the thing you did today and then hopefully it's that way forever. But I understand why, when you see certain people who have a certain level of success, you assume they're done, they're at the end of the board game and they cross the final thing. That doesn't really exist. No, not at all.

Speaker 2:

Not at all.

Speaker 1:

It just doesn't exist. Maybe it's disempowering. I can understand that too. I can understand if it feels disempowering to say this is kind of a treadmill that goes on forever. At least it's a positive treadmill, Hopefully. That's the goal. That's the goal If you're in self-improvement. You're working on yourself. You want to be a better partner, you want to be more financially free, you want to get closer to goals, whatever that means. It's just a daily commitment. More than I think people talk about, I really do.

Speaker 1:

I was on a podcast yesterday, Yesterday, the day before, I don't remember. The host said do you ever recommend people do seven episodes a week? I said never. 99.99999% of the time I would say no and I said you have to understand I kind of come second to the podcast. It doesn't really matter what I want to do. I have to get better forever if I want to get better as a podcaster forever. I understand not everybody wants that type of responsibility. So setting your goals based on the fact that, well, my goal is going to require me to grow forever. If you want to be a really good parent and that's your goal, that is the main thing that gets you up out of bed every single morning because your parents weren't great and you want to be the best one you can be. That is forever, Maybe. Right now you are the best parent you've ever been. Awesome, I love that. I love that, but it doesn't mean you're going to be you're the best parent you're ever going to be. There's a big difference.

Speaker 3:

What's going on, guys? My name is Austin and I've been working with Kevin for a few months now. If there's one thing that I find super valuable is his expertise on how to position the podcast to the right audience and fit the content into the overall business plan and, frankly, when we work together, he challenges me a lot. There were some tough conversations that he initiated with me so that I can really grow in the business. Besides the coaching part, the editing team does amazing work with editing and show notes and staying on top of all communications. Overall, my experience working with Kevin has really been top notch.

Speaker 2:

When I first met Kev and I don't say this to be unkind- but you were a finite thinker. I think you had some infinite thinking. I do your deep conversations. There was some, but primarily it was finite thinking. How would you explain infinite thinking to someone who's a finite thinker? I don't know if.

Speaker 1:

I even have thought about it enough to explain it, never mind explain it. Well, when you're a finite thinker, I assumed everything mattered. It was almost like what I do today is the only thing that mattered, and if I make a mistake today, it's the end of the road completely. Or if I screw up an interview, it's the end, that's it. I can't have something like that happen because that signifies it's the end. But I think that's an emotional thing. If you don't believe in your own unique capability to get up after you fall down, it kind of is the end of the road.

Speaker 1:

And we've experienced that many times. I would say it's the growth mindset in the fixed mindset. I had a very fixed mindset with the understanding that if something goes wrong it's the end of the road and I cannot get any better from that. Where the growth mindset is? Alan made mistakes in this episode. I'm sure I've made mistakes where we'll make mistakes, but those mistakes are way better mistakes than I used to make and that's because this is an infinite game that goes on forever and I'll always have a chance to get a little bit better. We have different problems than we had five years ago, but we're always going to have problems. So trying to say I hope I have a life without problems probably isn't real for us. And or most people Saying I hope I get the privilege of choosing more aligned problems in the future, that's something that's more infinite. I don't know. I don't know if I can really explain it.

Speaker 2:

Did you used to think that other people didn't have a lot of problems?

Speaker 1:

Definitely. Yeah, definitely. I don't know if that's just because I was naive to. It was very hard for me to imagine someone who was in really good shape, who had a lot of money and had a seemingly great relationship. How could they have problems? It was very hard for me to imagine that genuinely.

Speaker 2:

Wow, Genuinely, yeah, yeah, no, the only reason why they Assuming this person is in great shape, has a great relationship and a lot of money Assuming that's real and not just perception they obviously had to accumulate all of that. I always. This is why I talk about how I was unsuccessful in relationships for 30 years In intimate relationships. My relationship with Emilia is beyond, genuinely beyond what I ever thought was possible. That actually still kind of blows my mind, Because it's like what else is possible? Why didn't I predict this? That bothers me. It does. It's unbelievable. It's so unbelievable, Thank you.

Speaker 2:

I didn't succeed for 30 years in my intimate relationships. I mean, I was failing forward and figuring it out and trying this and trying that. And you know, I remember learning about relationships and I remember the first time I had broken up with my girlfriend and I ended up. I was in the gym. I ran into someone who she had talked to and I was talking to him. His name was Steve and he was talking about hey, I ran into so-and-so your ex. I was like cool, how she's doing, how she, how she doing. I can't talk, apparently. And he's like good, good, yeah, you know it's too bad, you guys didn't work out and I was like, yeah, no, I don't. I don't know if we were super compatible. I kept it at high level.

Speaker 2:

And he's like, yeah, me and my partner just read a book called the Five Love Languages. And I remember being like, wait, what? And he's like, yeah, there's a book called the Five Love Languages. I was like what's that? And he's like, yeah, gift giving, acts of service. I mean now we have a PDF that we give to our clients regularly. I'm going to be talking about this later tonight on a coaching session with a couple.

Speaker 2:

We have 25 love languages. It's like, dude, what was this four years ago? Five years ago or something? I think this was five years ago. So five years ago I didn't know any of the love languages and now I teach 25 conscious love languages. It's just wild. What can happen? So the fixed mindset is I am the way I am and I'm staying the way I am forever. That is inaccurate. I'm not going to. I don't want to make anyone feel bad. It's just wildly inaccurate and that's why I think people struggle to believe in themselves, because in the short term, very little is actually possible. I can't make a million dollars tomorrow. I could be the best in the world at finance and still not make a million dollars tomorrow. You know what I mean.

Speaker 1:

I feel like you could eventually, at a certain moment.

Speaker 2:

Yeah of course but not tomorrow, not like tomorrow. What's today, today's Friday, so Saturday tomorrow. I'm not going to make a million dollars tomorrow. Well no, I'm not trying to, but and I probably could if I wanted to get investors or whatever. Yeah, I probably could. Okay, but that's not my point. You ruined my point.

Speaker 1:

Well, I know you want accuracy, so I want to make sure. No, I do.

Speaker 2:

I appreciate it I'm being playful with that If you make I don't know $7 an hour right now, wherever you are in the world, the only reason that that's not good is if it stays there forever. You know, I made $7.25 an hour when I was 16. And now you know I make $150 an hour, depending, you know, on the situation. But that's my coaching fee right now and I'll be making more than that in the future. That's. I'm not concerned about it because I know that that's where it's headed.

Speaker 2:

And I think that the last thing I'll share too is I talk about time all the time. One of my clients gets frustrated because I always talk about age. Like, why does my age matter to you so much? I said it's chronological time that matters to me so much. It's not your age, you're just. You're 24 years old, so you blow me away. If you were 44, this wouldn't blow me away. You know what I mean, because 44 is a lot of years. When you're 24 and you're this wise, it's unbelievable. When you're 44, it's not as amazing. You know, that would be like a 70 year old doing powerlifting. It's amazing, right? Obviously that's the opposite, but I just I think in chronological time, and I think in terms of the compound effect and I think in terms of accumulation and everything is in accumulation. To get back to the original point of this is personal growth is in accumulation. I mean, think back to you in high school. You didn't know anything. In comparison. I mean you were just completely lost.

Speaker 2:

And so was I. That's okay, but were we any more or less lost than other high schoolers? Probably not.

Speaker 1:

No, no, I would say not so hopefully this is empowering.

Speaker 1:

Experience. That's why experience is so important, because through experience you just learn stuff. Just that's all it is. It's if I gave you okay, let me try to think of a really good analogy or example If I gave you you ever been to a fair carnival and they have the dunk tank where you have to throw a ball and you have to hit the button, and if you hit the button the person falls in. If I gave you three shots, that's fine, I Get three shots, and that's it. If I said you just throw it until you hit it, you just you can have as many balls you need, you can stay here for as long as you need, just throw it till you hit it. That's more infinite. You have the opportunity. Just keep going until the thing happens. It just it's never gonna run out. Okay, let's say you get to the point where you get so good that you can throw the ball every single time and hit it. Now I would say something along the lines of all right, we're gonna, instead of a baseball, to be a football, and then the process starts again, because everything's different with a football, and then the same thing starts again. So just because you're really good with the baseball doesn't mean you're really good with the football.

Speaker 1:

There's room for growth, no matter what. Yes, maybe you're a really good parent, the best parent you've ever been now, but life will humble us and then you'll have the opportunity to be the best parent you've ever been when you're going through a trauma, or the best parent You've ever been where you're going through a tragedy, or the best parent you've ever been when you're moving from one state to another, or the best parent you've ever been. We're going through A divorce hopefully not, hopefully not, but life has a way of testing us and that's how you level up and you grow. And the next level, no-transcript moving from one state to another, or the best parent you've ever been when you're going through a divorce hopefully not, hopefully not, but life has a way of testing us and that's how you level up and you grow. And the next level is the level you stay at for a while, but then you have the opportunity to go to the next level, the next level, the next level, the next level. So, yeah, hopefully that lands it is.

Speaker 1:

It's a really challenging thing to talk about, because number one you almost feel like you can only say one thing about it, because it's the same. Every story is gonna be the same thing, but then you also at least my experience. I feel like I can't explain it at all. It is very complicated, so hopefully something landed from this episode Quickly. What is your next level nugget? Good sir.

Speaker 2:

My next level, nugget, is all. The results that you want in life may appear finite, but they are coming from someone who, whether they're conscious of it or not, is playing a more infinite game.

Speaker 1:

That's your next level, nugget. Mm-hmm, okay, I wasn't sure you were done there because you looked at me almost as if to say I have something else to say. No, that's it. My next level, nugget, is if you're just starting, you might be the worst you've ever been at something. If you've been doing it for a long time, you might be the best you've ever been at it. Neither of those have to be true forever and most likely, neither of those will be true forever. That would be my next level, nugget. Nice, I appreciate that very much. It's a very hyper-conscious philosophical topic, which I'm always I love it Same Big fan. I'm over the moon.

Speaker 2:

This is something I think about all the time. You ever get sick of it. No, I love thinking about game theory. Infinite game, finite game, accumulation time, chronological time I love it. Yeah, I'm an existentialist. Okay, what does that mean Just someone who philosophizes a lot about life, the meaning of life? Existential means what is the point? You're an existentialist too, for sure, I was being playful, but you definitely are. Yeah.

Speaker 1:

I'm an existentialist. Next time somebody says, what do you do for work? I am an existentialist. I think that'll probably go over.

Speaker 2:

Well, you think so.

Speaker 1:

No, no, I don't. I'll try it. I'll try it. Okay, you are looking for a group of like-minded individuals who want to get to the next level of their life and they're focused on being the best they can be at this point in time. They're looking to build relationships, maybe find a peak performance partner, work through Ego, whatever it may be, build new habits. Please join our private Facebook group, next Level Nation. We will have the link in the show notes, as always.

Speaker 2:

We have a monthly meetup coming up we do I believe it's on January 4th at 6 pm Eastern Standard Time. It is Creating Clear Goals for 2024. Creating Clear Goals for 2024. Start 2024 off right and yes, these will be finite goals as part of your infinite game of the life that you want to head towards. Just because they're finite goals doesn't mean they're not going to give you direction. That's the point of goals. Goals give you direction, direction gives you momentum, momentum gives you great results and it's going to be awesome. So I hope you join us. The link to register will be in the show notes.

Speaker 1:

Tomorrow for episode number 1,553, two words worth remembering for 2024. So we're coming up on it as of the recording or as of the launch of that episode. We will have just about two weeks left in 2023. So it's time to start Two weeks left. Shout out to SuperVad a movie I can't watch anymore Because I feel too.

Speaker 2:

What do they say? Two weeks left?

Speaker 1:

Effit, yeah, effort, drilling holes. Two weeks left. Effort, are you done? Yes, mm-hmm, there's roughly two weeks left in the year, so it's never a bad time to start planning for the next year, even when the previous one's not done. So we'll talk about that in tomorrow's episode. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you, and at NLU we do not have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow.

Speaker 2:

Personal growth is an infinite game. Next level nation.

Speaker 1:

Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University. We love connecting with the Next Level family.

Speaker 2:

We mean it when we say family. If you ever need anything, please reach out to us directly. Everything you need to get ahold of us is in the show notes.

Speaker 1:

Thank you again and we will talk to you tomorrow.

People on this episode

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Alan Lazaros

Host
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Kevin Palmieri

Host