Next Level University
Confidence, mindset, relationships, limiting beliefs, family, goals, consistency, self-worth, and success are at the core of hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros' heart-driven, no-nonsense approach to holistic self-improvement. This transformative, 7 day per week podcast is focused on helping dream chasers who have been struggling to achieve their goals and are seeking community, consistency and answers. If you've ever asked yourself "How do I get to the next level in my life", we're here for you!
Our goal at NLU is to help you uncover the habits to build unshakable confidence, cultivate a powerful mindset, nurture meaningful relationships, overcome limiting beliefs, create an amazing family life, set and achieve transformative goals, embrace consistency, recognize your self-worth, and ultimately create the fulfillment and success you desire. Let's level up your health, wealth and love!
Next Level University
#1556 - Building Self-Worth Can Feel Gross
Have you ever grappled with the weight of your self-worth? In this episode, hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros discuss an intimate conversation that delves into what makes us value ourselves. Through their stories of loss and the subsequent journey to rediscover esteem, we can confront the tough choices that test boundaries. They explore why saying 'no' may feel contrary to our nature but is a fundamental step in acknowledging our worth. It is a heartfelt reminder that will encourage you to consider how you prioritize your needs and where you draw the line. Anchor your worth not in the fickle tides of societal approval but in your core values and the communities that appreciate you for who you are. This practical approach demystifies building self-belief and encourages listeners to take tangible steps toward enhancing their self-worth.
Links mentioned:
Next Level Nation - https://www.facebook.com/groups/459320958216700
Next Level Monthly Meetup #25: "Creating Clear Goals For 2024" on January 4th, 2024, 06:00 PM EST - https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/monthly-meetups/
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The best way to track your habits is here! Download the app: Optimal - https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/optimal/
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Any of these communities or resources are FREE to join and consume
- Next Level Nation - https://www.facebook.com/groups/459320958216700
- Next Level 5 To Thrive (free course) - ​​https://bit.ly/3xffver
- Next Level U Book Club - https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/next-level-book-club/
- Next Level Monthly Meetup: https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/monthly-meetups/
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Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/neverquitkid/
Alan: https://www.instagram.com/alazaros88/
Show notes:
(1:36) A poignant, challenging time
(3:16) Boundaries for self-worth
(5:55) Root cause of low self-worth
(10:08) Take back the control of your self-value
(12:13) Childhood messaging shapes self-perception
(14:40) Tim credits Alan's guidance and the Next Level Business Solutions for the transformative impact on his business.
(16:32) Building self-belief and self-worth
(18:40) Strive for a realistic, accurate self-perception
(22:09) Doing the uncomfortable thing
(23:52) Keep building your self-worth
(24:58) Outro
Next level nation. Welcome back to another episode of next level university, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. We hope you enjoyed yesterday's episode, episode number 1555 the unsexy part about becoming more confident. Today, for episode number 1556, building self-worth can feel gross, kind of gross dirty. It can feel strange. For sure there was.
Speaker 1:We had a death in our family last week and that, obviously, is a challenging time, especially when You're coaching a bunch of people and you have a bunch of stuff on your calendar that you're gonna have to end up moving. And I moved a lot of stuff and I it was hard for me. It was hard for me to move a Lot of things because I felt very guilty and I felt and I promise this will connect to self-worth I just felt really guilty. I felt like I was Letting people down and there was one call I had that I probably could have done, but I just wasn't. I Just wasn't in it, I just was in a different place and I didn't really feel like I was gonna be able to add value. I didn't really feel like I was gonna be able to be myself and I messaged this person and I sent them an email and a what's that message? And I said, hey, I'm kind of going through something right now and you know, this is just for context. This is what it is and I just don't feel like I'm gonna be my best self and I'd really appreciate if we can reschedule, and I just rescheduled the meeting. I just canceled the meeting and there was a part of me that felt really guilty about that. I didn't even give the person a chance to message me back and say, well, this is only really the only time I can do it. It was almost like I was putting my needs above anybody else, which I don't think is a bad thing. I think it's a. At times it could be a rare thing, depending on what your experience is out there, but that's why I I wanted to do an episode on self-worth and how it can feel gross.
Speaker 1:Putting up boundaries around stuff like that is really good for my self-worth Because it's me saying I need to take care of myself and I do a lot of stuff for clients and a lot of stuff for other people and I've dedicated my life to that and I'm grateful and privileged for the opportunity to do that. But I also need to make sure that I'm Filling my own cup and I've mentioned this before where it's hard. It's hard to say no, because when you say no, you potentially feel guilty about it and then maybe you start questioning yourself of well, can I, could I have gone tonight? I probably could have gone and supported or could I have shown up at that place that I said I had a reason not to go to. I've mentioned before that when I'm supposed to do like a podcast or I'm supposed to meet with someone and they're running five minutes late, I just leave.
Speaker 1:After five minutes I leave, and that was one of the hardest things for me. I felt so bad. I would check my email to see if somebody emailed me. I just felt like I was letting people down. But I can tell you that has helped myself, worth so much Because I'm valuing my time, which is something I never did in the past.
Speaker 1:I would just wait until somebody showed up. I mean a day later, I would just stayed on the meeting and Hmm, but it feels dirty. It can feel dirty to say hey and to send someone email and say, hey, I waited for ten minutes and nobody showed up. I have to go to my next thing I can't just wait, because what we've seen Statistically is when somebody is five minutes late for a 30-minute meeting, they're not coming, and We've learned over time that the better use of time is probably just for me to go do something else.
Speaker 1:So my intention, my goal in this episode is just to talk about how, if you feel like Self-worth is something that you're struggling with, if you're really good at putting other people above yourself, if you struggle with setting boundaries, it can feel very gross, icky, dirty, guilty when you start setting boundaries because for the first time in your life potentially this at least, this was my experience For the first time in your life, you might be getting the feelings of the other side of what it's like to set boundaries, the other side of what it's like to potentially disappoint someone, and Not you not disappointing yourself because you're knocking a boundaries down. That's really my, my goal in this episode.
Speaker 2:I Know that the last episode was about confidence, which is confidence and self-belief are very similar. And then this one's about self-esteem and self-worth. And I had a moment while you were talking about what is the root cause of low self-worth, and one of the things that came up for me was I think that when we're young I've often said this I think young people struggle with self-worth not everybody, but a lot of them. So picture, let's go to high school. High school is a challenging time for most people In high school. Picture the all-star athlete. So everyone think of the all-star athlete in their high school and if it was, you awesome. If it wasn't, you think of that person In a way. In a way, it's almost like the high school overinflates that person's value a little bit. A little bit. Their time is a little more valuable than other people's time. Everyone kind of wants to be their friend, that kind of thing.
Speaker 1:Especially if it's in a big school that values sports a lot. There are high schools in Texas and places like that that are bigger than college.
Speaker 2:I know I can imagine. And okay, now think of one of those big Texas schools that values football 10 out of 10, and then think of the all-star football player. You ever see Friday Night Lights? I don't think so, okay, well, anyways, it's about a true story based on one of those big Texas schools. Now picture being a soccer player there.
Speaker 2:Soccer's not as valued, and so we all, kind of as kids, get valued differently based on what we're good at. I remember whenever I was with the gamers, I was super valued. I learned this lesson the hard way. Actually. I was really, really, really, really, really good at Halo, but I was really, really, really, really, really not good at sports. In high school I was pretty pubescent, that kind of thing, but when I was with the gamers, I was super valued. It was a drastic contrast between me in the high school lunchroom kind of nerdy, not super valued. None of the girls wanted me, none of that, no attention, none of that To. When I was with the gamers, I was like I don't wanna say God. It was definitely not a God, but I was very valued, extremely valued. Whoa, like Alan's on my clan, alan's, I was a 19 or whatever, which is a level. There's levels in Halo 2, and back then a level 19 was one of the best in the world.
Speaker 2:Anyways, my point is is that I think we get all messed up, because I often joke don't be a rapper at a country concert, don't be a country singer at a rap concert, kind of thing. You just happen to have an audience who loves country at a rap concert. It's not gonna happen. So what happens is when we're kids, we are value. Our self value, our self worth is so tied. You ever meet like a young girl who hasn't really come into her beauty yet and she thinks she's ugly and she has such low self worth. That is sad, because what if later on? What if you worked on it? What if you got fit? What if you and what if you were valued for your brain instead of your beauty? There's so many ways to be valuable, but we don't know what the hell we're doing when we're kids. And so some people happen to be rock star athletes at a rock star football, basketball school and they happen to be inflated in their value.
Speaker 2:I remember when I was a freshman in high school I was extremely undervalued, and in middle school I was overvalued, and then everyone hit puberty and I didn't, and I looked like a little boy and everyone else somehow had beards and were muscular men.
Speaker 2:I'm being playful, but genuinely I was like a little preppy-bess and red-faced little boy. I was like five foot three, something like that. Anyways, my point is is that I remember thinking like I'm academic and I'm very smart, but that's not really valued. No one I mean the teachers liked me a lot. I never got in trouble because they care about academics, but the other students didn't care at all. And so, if you're out there watching or listening, if we're gonna talk about self worth, we gotta talk about the truth, and the truth is we do base our self worth a lot too much on what the world values of us. You know, kevin and I, we're very valued by our community, we're very valued by our podcast listeners, but there are people that do not give an F at all about any of the work you and I do to a drastic extent.
Speaker 2:The majority the majority, and that's really hard for me sometimes because it's like listen, I know you think I'm doing some pet project podcast and you think it's cute, but I'm a real business owner and sometimes I just want to shake them and say respect me, but that's not how it works.
Speaker 2:You just you need to take back control of your own goddamn self-worth, and that's all I'm saying.
Speaker 2:Is, if your husband or your wife is not valuing you, if your friends think what you're doing is stupid, you just need to get better friends, because and here's the irony if your friends are being that way to you and you have low self-worth, you're probably going to stick around, because it takes self-worth to actually leave.
Speaker 2:And so hopefully, kevin and I can help you speed this process up a little better than we did, because in hindsight it's very clear that I just didn't, I didn't value myself nearly to the extent that I wish that I had, because not everybody likes math, not everybody likes science, not everybody likes computer engineering, not everybody cares about personal development or personal growth, and if that's what I'm focused on being better at and I'm around a bunch of people who avoid that, if anything, I'm going to be so undervalued and I don't. I don't think that's a good thing for anybody. I think it's important to value what you value, cultivate that within yourself and then surround yourself with people who value that and it's all going to grow and it's going to be a wonderful upward spiral of success. But if your environment is constantly negatively reinforcing who you aspire to be, you're going to be in so much trouble.
Speaker 1:I would love, and I feel like it would be so powerful to have a study of where somebody's external worth was in high school versus where it ends up.
Speaker 1:Because, we've talked before about. We went to high school and there were some very beautiful girls at our high school that everybody kind of found attractive and things. For a lot of them and is this a coincidence, I don't know, but for a lot of them things didn't go very positively later in life and I wonder if it's because there was so and we've talked about this before there was so much emphasis put on the way they looked or whatever it may be, their bodies and how they developed and they got an entitled view of themselves without actually ever having to do anything quote unquote versus maybe the opposite of somebody who was an underdog for their entire high school or academic career, who that maybe lights a fire under their butt or it determines for them that they're unworthy of success. I'm super curious to how that plate would play out. I always talk about this on other shows.
Speaker 1:Think of two scenarios Scenario A, scenario B, scenario A a child is born into this world and their parents say you're amazing, you're handsome, you're beautiful, you're talented, you can do anything you want. You're so valuable, you're loved here, you're safe here, the sky is the limit, your future is so bright, will support you no matter what. And then the opposite is we regret that you were born. You're a waste of space. You're never going to amount to anything. You're ugly. Nobody will ever love you. I'm willing to bet one of them is going to have high self-worth and the other is going to have low self. Yeah definitely.
Speaker 1:Is that an oversimplification? Probably to a degree, but I imagine. I imagine I've lived when I used to live in sketchier areas than I do today. I remember hearing through the walls or through the floors the way people would talk to their kids and it's like that's not, I think, that kid's going to be in trouble. You're, without knowing it, you're building this child's self-belief and self-worth Without even knowing. Yeah.
Speaker 2:I'm just going to say 100% of conditioning to uncondition.
Speaker 2:unfortunately, A fascinating study. That I would love to do is replicate everything you just said, but figure out where they would be at 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 years out. That would be so fascinating because what I've found is some of the people with the lowest self-worth end up the most incredible because they're actually compensating for not feeling loved. In order to compensate, they try to go get better and they try to serve. I think some of the best people I've ever met are people that were shit on and tried to find a way to be better because of how poorly they were shit on or how much they were shit on. Then I know some other people that really were given a lot and told they were amazing and they're very lazy. Now, I'm not trying to be unkind. They're definitely entitled. Yeah, I'm going to call a spade a spade. I know some people that are really entitled and they have high self-worth but they kind of rest on it. I don't know, that's a philosophical discussion. I was definitely. I had both, but I would say my childhood was much, much more on the challenging end than most of the people that I'm referring to. In hindsight, that actually ended up being a huge win, but I also know that's because I believed in myself.
Speaker 2:I think the number one most important thing on planet Earth for a human being is self-belief. If you believe in your own bigger, better, brighter future, you will invest in it and you will work toward it and you will have a bigger, better, brighter future, statistically and probability speaking. But number two is self-worth, because you might get to the goals, like I did, and still not be setting boundaries, still not be valuing yourself, still not be saying no to the person's, place's, things and ideas that are toxic. That's really what it comes down to for me. I didn't start saying no to toxic person's places, things and ideas really until 26, after my car accident For the new listeners I got in a tough car accident at 26, got me to question everything and my father died in a car accident when he was 28.
Speaker 2:For me this was real mortality. Motivation of that really could have been it, and I don't take that lightly. I just decided after that I'm going to stop living a life that's not fulfilling. I'm going to stop living a life doing what others expect of me and I'm going to start living a life aligned with my core values and what I value and who I am and who I aspire to be, and that was nine years ago. Self-belief is number one and you can build it. You can build it, you really can. You just got to start small, be humble and keep promises to yourself, and then self-worth you can build too. Same deal Start small, keep promises to yourself, set boundaries, get away from toxic people.
Speaker 1:It's just so deep, both of them there's like the baseline do these things become more confident? Or to have more self-belief, to have more self-worth, self-esteem? But it really does at the end of the day. So much of it is action. So much of it is action. And we always say accurate self-belief and accurate self-worth. I don't necessarily aspire to have super high self-worth. I want it to be accurate, I want it to be based on reality.
Speaker 2:Can you tell the story when it was inflated? That's funny. Which one?
Speaker 1:When you came back from. Oh, yes, yes.
Speaker 2:This is the only time I've ever seen Kevin with inflated self-worth.
Speaker 1:It was funny and also devastating, because I cried yes, it was cool, alan and I went to a Brenna Burchard event and I was so afraid to go to this event because I was thinking to myself I'm not going to fit in and everybody's going to judge me and I don't belong here. And when we got there I was like this is my place. Everybody's having deep talks, everybody wants to be hyper-conscious, everybody's talking about their feelings and stuff. This is awesome. This is amazing. I fit in, amazingly. So when we got home from that event, we were in the studio, which was Alan's sister's old bedroom at the time, and I definitely was over. I remember thinking I was the man. My poop didn't stink, I was just, I was king. Shit, I was amazing.
Speaker 2:You were the bee's knees.
Speaker 1:I was the bee's knees. You had it all figured out yeah.
Speaker 1:I was the man. I was at Brenna. I was in an event not two weeks ago Do you have any idea who I am as a human? And Alan and I were talking and Alan started crying and I was like what the hell is going on, man? And then we had a very real talk about how he had become. He had doubted himself a little bit because of the event and he was going through his own stuff. And I felt like I was the man because I was just happy to be there and happy to have found my people.
Speaker 2:Well, here's the thing I admit to interrupt you.
Speaker 2:But this is a I realized in hindsight. Some of our early stories are actually more powerful than I thought. This is so, going to that event, brenna Bouchard I was. I went in knowing that I would fit in with a growth community, thinking that I was a strong speaker and Brendan is a world class speaker. World class, just decades right, world class. So I went in thinking I was a strong speaker and realized I was comparing to Brendan and I was like, oh, I'm in trouble, I am not a strong speaker, holy crap. So I came back with all the humble pie.
Speaker 2:Kevin, prior to the event, thought he wouldn't fit in, thought it was going to be terrible, thought he wasn't going to be good enough. And then he came back, thinking he was the bee's knees. And so I came back devastated for lack of better phrasing. My identity, you know, was struggle, bus, low self-worth. And he came back inflated and I knew and this is the deeper layer I knew we were in trouble if it stayed that way, because people with inflated self-worth I just don't work well with them. I never have it's, it's I'm a big, I'm a big. On earn it, I'm a big on earn it.
Speaker 2:I'm big on earning it. To me the rent is due every day. You know I'm not entitled to be with Emilia. I have to work for that. I have to earn that every day. By the way, I respect her and treat her and honor her. She sent me a text earlier crying about how I protected her sleep so well this year. Her oro ring says it's the best sleep she's ever gotten and she literally was on the couch crying because I've protected and honored what she values more than anyone else has. And to me, if I get entitled and I start thinking I'm the man and I'm, you know I'm I'm going to stop putting in, I'm stop earning it and I don't want to ever do that. So that was my deepest fear underneath that. That's why I was crying, because I was like we are screwed, not again.
Speaker 1:You know, I remember thinking like the hell's going on here, man, why are you crying all of a sudden? I'm sure that everything was fine.
Speaker 2:You're going to lose another friend. You know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, this is one of it's a challenging thing. Self-belief and self-worth are two of the most challenging things because you have to do the uncomfortable thing. It's very hard to set boundaries if you've never done it before. It's very, very challenging to say no to things that you used to say yes to.
Speaker 2:Oh, yeah, very very challenging.
Speaker 1:Brutal, yeah. Or to put yourself first, self-belief and self-worth are a game of doing things. Doing more positive things and doing less. Doing more constructive things and doing less destructive things for that thing. So it's getting up. When you say you're going to get up and going and doing the thing that scares you, it's not going. When you say you're not going to go, it's setting a boundary.
Speaker 1:When you say you're going to set a boundary, it is one of the most challenging things in the world. It might seem simple in terms of steps, but one of the most challenging, but also one of the most beneficial. For sure. You deserve self-worth if you're willing to do the right things. And for all of us it's a different journey because the reason we have the level of self-belief and self-worth we do is based on stuff that's probably based on stuff that's happened to us and everybody has a unique experience. So my next love of Nugget for this whole episode is Most of the things worth having are the hard things, and not necessarily hard from a perspective of external hard. Some of the best things worth having are internal hard Doing the internal work, looking in the proverbial mirrors, looking back in your past. So just because it's challenging internally doesn't mean it won't pay off and be worth it.
Speaker 2:My next level Nugget is self-belief, and self-worth can be built. Self-belief is built from setting small, achievable daily goals and following through and then assigning that to yourself. Self-worth is built from protecting your time, honoring your core values, setting boundaries, making sure people respect you and, if they don't, you sail away, and Kevin and I have been working hard to build both of those things, for 2024 will be our seventh year in business and we want to help you do the same, because life is different. Life is different with self-belief and self-worth. It's not what it used to be. It's really much better. It's much better, but you have to keep showing up for yourself. You have to keep keeping the promises to yourself. You have to keep building confidence. It's a daily thing, it's not an overnight thing.
Speaker 1:If you are looking for a place where people will value your boundaries and it'll help you build self-worth, join Next Level Nation. The link will be in the show notes Tomorrow for episode number 1557, three things to work on if you want to shift your identity. We are going in a direction. I guess with this week's episodes Not intentional, but I'm very excited for that one tomorrow. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you and NLU. We do not have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow, so keep building your self-worth.
Speaker 2:Next Level Nation.
