Next Level University

#1558 - Who Is The Person You Feel Safest Around?

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

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In personal development and emotional well-being, vulnerability often carries an unjust stigma. It is mistakenly equated with weakness when, in truth, it's a profound source of strength and a catalyst for growth. In this episode, hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros discuss building support networks before life's inevitable storms. This discourse encourages everyone to introspect and take stock of the people and spaces surrounding us. Are they conduits for your growth and vulnerability? Do they serve as your emotional umbrellas? The conversations we share in this episode are more than mere discussions; they are life lessons, reminders, and guideposts for anyone looking to embrace the full spectrum of human emotion and connection.

Links mentioned:
To learn more about group coaching, https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/group-coaching/
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Next Level U Book Club - https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/next-level-book-club/

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Alan: https://www.instagram.com/alazaros88/

Show notes:
(1:27) The power of community growth
(3:55) Vulnerable support network
(5:23) Therapeutic approach
(10:26) Find that safe space
(12:19) Sting of cultural shackles
(13:44) Tim credits Alan's guidance and the Next Level Business Solutions for the transformative impact on his business.
(14:41) V.C.H.
(16:28) Somebody has to start and sail away from toxic
(18:57) Insecurity blocks vulnerability
(20:38) Shrink to grow
(22:45) The right people around you
(28:15) Outro

Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

Speaker 1:

Next level nation. Welcome back to another episode of next level university, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. We hope you enjoyed yesterday's episode, episode number 1557 three things to work on if you want to shift your identity. Today, for episode number 1558, who is the person you feel safest around? Got a call with one of my favorite clients in the world.

Speaker 1:

We've become quite good friends at this point, been working with this person for at least a year now over a year and this person's been going through a lot in their personal life emotionally, just yeah, just dealing with the inner stuff, going through it Identity. Going back to what we talked about last episode, looking into why they have shame around certain things, why they make certain decisions and he said, hey, man, can I ask you something? And I said, of course, what's up? So I was at the gym today and I really felt like I needed to ask you this question, but I just am so scared and I have so much shame around. I said, okay you know, hit me with it.

Speaker 1:

I'm here, you're safe, let's do it. And he said money's super tight right now. Is there any way we can make some changes to the package to make it more affordable? And I said yeah, man, of course you're good. No, no worries, you're good, but let me, let me see what I can do and I I'll send you a message and we'll take care of it.

Speaker 1:

No stress, that's the. I don't want you to have to be stressing about that. And he said I'm grateful, I really, really appreciate that me. So I feel very safe here, feel very safe when I'm with you, and I feel very safe To tell you this type of stuff and just to talk about my life with you. And I said that I genuinely means the world to me means more to me than you probably realize Because, again, I'm just a podcast coach, quote unquote. But the fact that you and I are friends at this point and I know the intricacies of your life, I do not take that lightly. But imagine, imagine if he didn't have somebody to tell that to. Then all of the growth that comes with that bravery and that courage and that vulnerability and looking in the mirror, it might not, it wouldn't be the same. There's definitely still gonna be some growth, because he already looked at it enough to ask me about it, but that's one of the reasons the community aspect of growth is so important and I do think it's under under spoken about.

Speaker 1:

Definitely it's hard to grow by yourself. It is really really hard to grow by yourself because you have to have someone to talk to about what you're going. It helps. Good friend of mine one time said who does Superman go to when he struggled? And what he was asking with that was I tend to be the person that everybody goes to. Who am I supposed to go to when I'm struggling? And that is it's a super important question to ask because, number one, you have to go to the person that you feel safest being vulnerable with, and if you don't have that person in your life, it's gonna be really, really, really challenging. Last thing, before I kick it to you, alan, I mentioned this on on episodes before the best time From just from my perspective, the best time to build a relationship with vulnerability in it is when you don't really need to, when the necessity isn't super high, when your back isn't up against the wall, when you do have some abundance and some good vibes going on in your life.

Speaker 1:

And the reason is because when you do get that dark night of the soul and you are going through it, it's very hard to build a vulnerable relationship then. So I use the analogy you don't build an umbrella in a rainstorm. You experience rain, thunderstorm, you experience rain. You go home To the safety, the warmth and the dryness of your house and you say, hmm, I want to avoid that. What do I do now? What do I do from the safety of my house? I'm gonna build an umbrella next time I go out. I won't get as wet. I think it's the same thing when you're going through it. It's really hard to ask for help if you've never done it before and if you don't feel like you have that type of relationship with someone. So that would be a, I guess, an early, preemptive. Next level nugget is when things are going awesome. That's the time to build the support. That's the time to strengthen the foundation. It's gonna be really, really hard to do it when there is a storm.

Speaker 2:

As an example here I was trying to think of where I want to go with this episode. I think one of the reasons a lot of people turn to therapy is because they they can trust someone and have someone at a time, someone and have someone to talk to yeah, about what they're going through and what they're growing through. I agree I Maybe I'm Unique in this belief, but I actually think life is really, really difficult. I Always have. I went on a show last week and they had me tell my story and it's just interesting because I've started telling my story again and my story just started. I said it started in diversity.

Speaker 2:

My father died when I was two, so I never had any sort of life where it's like, yeah, this is great and it's all going to be good. I think you just right out of the gate, you go okay, bad things, really really bad things, happen, and that's life. And I think that, despite that, you can create a meaningful, wonderful life that's deeply fulfilling. And so I was trying to think of where I want to go with this. And those gut checks are going to come, and when they come, who do you have to go to? Because if you don't have anyone, that's going to be brutal. That's going to be awful, yeah, and I think that the value in this episode is check in with how vulnerable you can be, how honest you can be with other people in your life, how much you trust them.

Speaker 2:

And I remember I had a friend group back in the day. It was a group of guys and the level of vulnerability in this group is just so low and I don't want to be. Yeah, I'm going to do it. All right, if you've ever been a part of a text thread, have you ever been a part of a text thread with, like, a fantasy football league or something?

Speaker 1:

like that. No, I've never played, nor will I ever play, fantasy football.

Speaker 2:

Okay, fair. So I was in a text thread once with it was a fantasy football league, and I don't even like football, so I don't know why. I like the sport football, I like to throw the football, I don't watch football. But this is a group of guys that love fantasy sports and that's all fine. But the amount of ego in this group is just wild. In hindsight it's alarming. It really is, and at the time it was the water I was swimming in, so I didn't really know, and a lot of it's play phone funny. But underneath it is just a lack of any vulnerability whatsoever. Picture a group of guys that kind of are all pretending that they're super confident, that really deep down they're lost and pretty unhappy.

Speaker 2:

And I've confessed with Kevin past episodes where in hindsight, I was much more emotionally immature than I realized. I think intellectually I was always strong but emotionally immature, and I think a lot of men are. I guess a lot of women are too, but I think statistically men tend to be more emotionally immature. Yes, I am saying that. Okay, now, that said, what does emotionally immature mean? It means you get a gut check and it means your ego gets crushed and it means that you are unable to be vulnerable and therefore unable to actually transform. It takes humility, courage and vulnerability to say I think I have a drinking problem. It takes humility, courage and vulnerability to say I don't really know what my future is going to look like. It takes humility, courage and vulnerability to say I can't live like this anymore. It takes humility, courage and vulnerability to get a therapist. There's not a, statistically speaking, I don't know I could look it up. I think it's like 70% female for mental health and therapy. I think and again, don't quote me on that, I didn't look it up but I do know it's primarily like females are far more likely to get a therapist. I do know that, statistically speaking, and I think that I always joke I say guys can't even ask for directions, never mind get a therapist, and I'm being playful. But I all and again, I'm not trying to make this a male versus female thing we all struggle with similar things. I think males and females have certain nuances that they tend to statistically struggle with more. That's all I'm saying. Please, no one you know come at me about this. My point is is I'm a man and I'll speak for men.

Speaker 2:

There is something that affects your ego when you, when the idea of getting a therapist comes up, there's this like wait, am I not good enough on my own? Do I need help? What does that mean about me? Right, and Emilia often says that she's never seen a man with less of that. Whatever. That is male ego. We'll call it male ego, and I know that I have it and it is what it is, but it holds us back from a lot of things, and so so the point of this episode is having a safe space.

Speaker 2:

The point of this episode is talking to someone else about the real things going on in your real life. I surpassed my 5,000th coaching session where people tell me the stuff that's really going on. But when you look on social media, most people are portraying something that's wonderful and that's okay. It's a highlight reel. I'm not making it wrong. I do the same thing. I have. You know, I have really, really, really bad days where I don't want to be on social media. The last thing I want to do is post about it. Okay, everyone deserves their own privacy. That's not what I'm saying. What I am saying is that if, when you are struggling, you feel like you can't tell anyone, that's a very dangerous place to be.

Speaker 2:

I remember I would get sick constantly when I was in high school and I missed like three months of school and I remember I had a friend group and I'm not gonna blame it on them, but my friend group I struggled to be vulnerable with and I was really sick and no one knew it was what I was going through and I was going through family stuff at home and I was on the struggle bus. I was having such a hard time. I was so unhappy and so miserable and so unhealthy and I was getting chronic sinus infections. And I remember my friends would make fun of me. They said I had baby syndrome and they had no idea what I was going through. They were just presupposing they were making fun of me because I skipped so much school or stayed home from school and At the end of the day now I know what it is. I know that it's.

Speaker 2:

It's just toxic masculinity. It's. You're not allowed to struggle. Suck it up, buttercup. And honestly, you know those same people that made fun of me back then are just not doing well and I bet you they're struggling behind the scenes more than they are willing to admit and I hope they get help.

Speaker 2:

But Don't be around people that you can't struggle with, because you're never gonna work on a problem that you can't Be open about. If you can't be open about the problem and you feel completely alone and you can't share it with anyone, you're just gonna stew in In the problem more and you're gonna swim and swim in doubt and fear and Scarcity, and I just don't think that's good for anybody. So, whether it's a therapist or a coach or or a friend or your intimate partner, find people who you feel safe to be imperfect with, who you feel safe to be honest with, and I think that that if you don't feel like you have that, you got to work on that, because that's a terrible place to be. I was there. I was definitely there for for a time in my life and my mom was there for me during that time, but it felt like no one else was, and I Don't wish that on anybody.

Speaker 1:

Those people were very uncreative. That's what they come with baby syndrome. That's the best you can come up with.

Speaker 2:

That's weak ass, not no shout out to.

Speaker 1:

Whoever those humans are you better no, I'm kidding, obviously the vulnerability, courage and humility. This is where it gets a little wonky. If there's somebody in your life who makes all of those easier, being vulnerable with them is easier, and this is why it's so important to hang on to those people or, for me, it's important to be a good partner. When it comes to that, you want to. You want to sabotage your relationship when somebody, when your partner or somebody that cares about you and you care about deeply, brings you something vulnerable. Don't, if you want to mess it up, be Egotistical or arrogant. That's a one-way ticket to to disappointment town, unfortunately, and that's I think that's helped me a ton listening to other people, because that's that's the real stuff. When someone's bringing you stuff, that's the existential, I feel this way about myself. That's the time for you to be consistent, reliable and Warm, open, inviting. So this is a really good, a really good thought process. Maybe To that person's point when they said who does Superman go to and Superman needs the day off or Superman needs to talk. Maybe if you're struggling to be vulnerable with someone else, it's because people are being vulnerable with you and maybe you only get one side of the coin, that's a potential.

Speaker 1:

I Don't know. I don't know if that rings true, rains true. Whatever the saying is. I don't know what it is, but I don't know. I know. For a long time it was really easy for me to be open to people being vulnerable with me. In a lot of my, my relationships with friends, I was the listener and I still am. I'm the listener with Alan for sure. Mm-hmm, I like that. Not that I don't feel comfortable being vulnerable, but I think when somebody is vulnerable with me, I can be vulnerable in the conversation and accomplish the same thing. So again, I don't want to make it about me and Alan or Alan me or me or Alan, but that's a very important Thing to understand where does this come from?

Speaker 2:

What? Why aren't people like? Even in hindsight it's like why was I afraid to share any of that? Who cares?

Speaker 1:

Because you get sick.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, they would have made fun of me.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, you know he has to start it, somebody has to start the, somebody has to open up the door for vulnerability. I think it's safer.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, people make fun of people. Somebody needs to say it's safer. At this stage in my life there's not a lot of that going on. Nobody like makes fun of anybody. I feel like I'm well look at who's in your life?

Speaker 1:

Of course not. It makes sense. Yeah, it makes sense.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it's so different than it used to be. If any of those people ever said any of that, it would just be so different. It would be like what?

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

You're a loser. I would just give it back to them in their own way. You'd be like why are you, what are you doing? I wouldn't be toxic with it, but I feel like in hindsight I really I regret taking so much of a beating. I do, I regret allowing. I remember Kev when we first met. He's like you have shitty friends.

Speaker 1:

You know you did, you did yeah. Yeah, it's so interesting, I didn't like them, I was going to hang out with them. I remember there was one time Alan and I were at a party. I think it was the only time we were ever at a party. One of his friends said something to someone and I was like dude, why did you shut your effing mouth Like nobody likes you? You're an asshole, you're an asshole man.

Speaker 1:

I was drunk, so I had the courage to do it, but that was the truth. You're just not a good person. I don't know why everybody keeps you around. I have no idea. You must have some secrets on people. I have no idea why these people keep inviting you back.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, low self-worth. Nobody likes you Low self-worth, I know, I know.

Speaker 1:

And again, that's a very hardcore way to put it, but this person was toxic to people I cared about, so for me, the last thing I was worried about was their fear.

Speaker 2:

Why do you think people become toxic?

Speaker 1:

What is?

Speaker 2:

that, oh man, it's got to be insecurity. At the end of the day, it's just a lot of insecurity. It makes you feel bigger and more powerful to beat up people mentally and emotionally or physically.

Speaker 1:

Insecurity with a block for vulnerability. It's almost like you double down on the insecurity and you have to overcompensate. Rather than opening up the door, you have to put more bricks on top of it, and then it's just overcompensation, overcompensation, overcompensation, and then I just think it's really hard to break free of that eventually. When you were telling your story about therapy and Emilia, I was thinking I went when I was 25, and that was the hardest thing ever at the time. Yeah, I know, it was brutal.

Speaker 2:

Doesn't it feel? Not hard at all anymore, like we've grown so much? Why was it so hard? Let's have that conversation, because I had that moment too of I'm going to go to therapy. Guys have that. I don't know if this is again. I'm speaking for men because I'm a man, but I've been coaching a lot of people, especially couples. There's a thing with guys. I'm telling you there's a thing. I think it looks weak.

Speaker 1:

I think it quote-unquote. I'm not saying it really is, but it's perceived as weak here. Think of this how excited were you to tell me that you were going to therapy.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I would say pretty high. I wasn't super, I was a little bit concerned to share it, though Like outside of you With who?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yeah, for you it was definitely like yeah, definitely, but publicly it was definitely a little bit like eh, understandable, I could probably do without sharing this, but I also don't want to perpetuate that. And the other thing, too, is it's been so helpful and it's not what people think. It's not like it's. This is something I want to share really quickly because I do think this needs to shift. It does 100% needs to shift. I'm not going to therapy because I'm broken. I'm going to therapy because I want to be even more, I want to grow, I want to get even better.

Speaker 2:

You see how that's such a reframe. One of them is like you can't handle it on your own. You're not enough, you're blah, blah, blah. And that's not what it is. Emilia framed it as you're leaving a lot on the table and I'm like well, what do you mean? She's like it's gonna unlock you in so many ways. It's gonna help you unlock in so many ways. You're not going to a coach because you're not adequate. You're going to a coach because you want to be even better.

Speaker 2:

And I think that that reframe if we can just try to work on that, it's super important.

Speaker 2:

Remember when people used to call it a shrink way back, like, oh, you're going to see a shrink, and so you know, I don't know, that whole thing needs to shift for sure, and I want to be a part of the shifting.

Speaker 2:

And I have noticed in we do relationship talks, coaching, but a lot of couples that we coach are doing this as an alternative to couples counseling and I can tell a lot of times the male is more reluctant to do that and I think it's societal in some ways and I think it's cultural and it's rubbed some dirt in it. It's, you know, like I said, the best way to articulate it is that playful joke Men can't ask for directions, nevermind get a therapist. I think that's a funny joke, and I think that's funny because it's true and I think that that needs to shift and I'm grateful that Kevin and I are a part of that shift. So, anyways, I don't want to make it about us, but at the end of the day, whether it's a therapist or a friend or your intimate partner, if you cannot be humble, courageous and vulnerable and that's not safe you should reevaluate your peer group. I really wish I had done that sooner, to be honest.

Speaker 1:

Did a post the other day talking about goals and it was pretty much if you can't tell your friends your goals, you don't need new goals, you need new friends, and that's just. I mean, that is it. If you can't, that's the same. It's the same through line If you can't tell people the truth, the vulnerable truth about what you're feeling and I also don't want to lessen it, I know it's very, very challenging and I'm very blessed to have amazing people that do make it easier. But it's worth. It's worth looking at, that's all. It's worth looking at Relationships that are deep and meaningful and just at a real, important level of human emotions and vulnerability and fear. That is a really valuable relationship. That's a real relationship. But it can be scary. This will be my next Elvin Nugget. Just imagine this If someone is surrounded by vulnerable people, they're gonna have the opportunity to be vulnerable a lot more.

Speaker 1:

If somebody is surrounded by people who are ego driven, it's gonna be there's just more resistance to vulnerability. So this is just another one of those episodes where your community matters. If you're hanging out with people who value health and fitness, you saying, hey, can I get a salad with dressing on the side, nobody's gonna make fun of you for that. But if the people don't care about that and they think that's whatever, well, that's dumb or that's stupid or whatever then maybe they're gonna make fun of you. It's just the core values, core beliefs, core aspirations and core competencies. I think being vulnerable is a competency. I think it's something you learn over time and you practice. That's my next Elvin Nugget.

Speaker 2:

Before we go real quick, can you share why you think it was so hard to go to therapy when you were 25?

Speaker 1:

Tattooed bodybuilder in really good shape. Super quote, unquote successful. Doesn't really talk about his feelings. I should be able to figure out by myself. That was really my thought.

Speaker 2:

The narrative, yeah.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it was mostly that.

Speaker 2:

What do you think now?

Speaker 1:

By definition, it's challenging to do, which means when you do it, it's a strength, not a weakness. That's my. When people ask me on shows. I say that all the time. If it's hard to do and the reason you're not doing it is because it's challenging you, doing it means you're strong, not weak.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it's the opposite.

Speaker 1:

It's the opposite. It's the opposite. So that's my new frame. It's. I think it's extremely noble to talk about it. If you feel safe talking about it, I think it's the bravest thing and I think it's really really, really good for you and anybody who makes fun of that or whatever. Maybe they just don't understand the importance of it yet, maybe they just don't get it, but there are people out there that do. There's two people right here that do, there's people that do, but there's also people that don't, unfortunately. So just make sure you have the right people around you. The right people can make the hard decisions a little bit easier and the hard times a little bit easier. The wrong people can make the right decisions impossible and the hard times even harder. They can make the easy times hard. So it's just another one of those episodes.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, my next level nugget is ask your intuition who around you is toxic, and if you can't be honest or vulnerable around certain people, most likely they're at least to some degree toxic. And my next level nugget is sail away from toxic.

Speaker 1:

Sail away.

Speaker 2:

Sprinkle a little belief on it.

Speaker 1:

That was from last episode.

Speaker 2:

How dare you cross that over into this universe.

Speaker 1:

Next level nation. If you are looking to find more safe people, if you're looking to find more of your people quote, unquote, whatever that means people who are into growth, people who talk about their feelings, people who talk about what's real. Our 13th round of group coaching is starting on January 2nd. Oh yeah, january 2nd.

Speaker 2:

And there's a lot of these Tuesday Tuesday.

Speaker 1:

There's a lot of these conversations during the calls. We talk about what's real and you will be safe. It is extremely inclusive. You will be supported. You can be the real, authentic version of yourself. So if you're longing for that, we will have the link in the show notes. Our 13th round of group coaching.

Speaker 2:

We'd love to have you there, successes and struggles. You are safe to talk about where you are succeeding and you are also safe to talk about where you're struggling. We don't wanna talk about our successes because we're afraid to appear arrogant. We don't wanna talk about our struggles because we wanna be just successful enough, but not so successful that we get ostracized. It's safe to talk about both in group coaching. Those are private sessions for only group 13, for only your group, and they're that way for a reason so that you're safe to be vulnerable.

Speaker 2:

Also, speaking of safe spaces that are not recorded book club not recorded. Every Saturday, 12, 30 pm, Eastern Standard Time, we're reading a book called High Performance Habits by Brendan Burchard. We have vulnerable discussions in there about what you're going through, and I always say this, probably so much, in fact, that people get annoyed. Struggles and successes same deal. You can talk about where you're awesome. You can talk about where you're struggling. It's totally okay. We talk about what is accurate, what is real, what is honest, what is humble, what is vulnerable, what is courageous, and it's an awesome space where you're not going to get made fun of. There's no one making fun of anybody. No, none of that.

Speaker 1:

Not up in here.

Speaker 2:

Not up in here. Not up in here.

Speaker 1:

Tomorrow for episode number 1,559,. One place, shame shows up. For a lot of us, shame is a heavy. It's been a heavy week of episodes leading into the holidays, at least for us, the Christmas season coming up. So another one as always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you always, and at NLU we do not have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow.

Speaker 2:

Find that safe space Next up on Nation.

Speaker 1:

Boom, yeah man, yeah man.

People on this episode

Head Shot

Alan Lazaros

Host
Head Shot

Kevin Palmieri

Host