Next Level University
Confidence, mindset, relationships, limiting beliefs, family, goals, consistency, self-worth, and success are at the core of hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros' heart-driven, no-nonsense approach to holistic self-improvement. This transformative, 7 day per week podcast is focused on helping dream chasers who have been struggling to achieve their goals and are seeking community, consistency and answers. If you've ever asked yourself "How do I get to the next level in my life", we're here for you!
Our goal at NLU is to help you uncover the habits to build unshakable confidence, cultivate a powerful mindset, nurture meaningful relationships, overcome limiting beliefs, create an amazing family life, set and achieve transformative goals, embrace consistency, recognize your self-worth, and ultimately create the fulfillment and success you desire. Let's level up your health, wealth and love!
Next Level University
#1559 - One Place Shame Shows Up For A Lot Of Us
Have you ever felt the suffocating grip of perfectionism and the silent whispers of shame? In this episode, hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros are peeling back the layers of these complex emotions with one of their treasured clients, who bravely share their journey from critical feedback in their youth to the relentless pursuit of flawlessness in adulthood. They’ll tackle the roots of perfectionism and its dance with shame, revealing how they can distort our self-image and hinder personal growth. The path to healing from shame and perfectionism involves confronting painful emotions and past regrets but also necessitates a compassionate approach to self. The journey through shame and perfectionism is not a solitary one. The value of community—a group that understands and celebrates the shared human experience to unshackle personal growth.
Links mentioned:
Next Level Nation - https://www.facebook.com/groups/459320958216700
To learn more about group coaching: https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/group-coaching/
Discount Code: NLULISTENER
______________________
Website 💻 http://www.nextleveluniverse.com
The best way to track your habits is here! Download the app: Optimal - https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/optimal/
_______________________
Any of these communities or resources are FREE to join and consume
- Next Level Nation - https://www.facebook.com/groups/459320958216700
- Next Level 5 To Thrive (free course) - https://bit.ly/3xffver
- Next Level U Book Club - https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/next-level-book-club/
- Next Level Monthly Meetup: https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/monthly-meetups/
_______________________
We love connecting with you guys! Reach out on LinkedIn, Instagram, or via email.
Instagram 📷
Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/neverquitkid/
Alan: https://www.instagram.com/alazaros88/
Show notes:
(1:42) Example of messy action
(2:39) Illusion of perfectionism and its dance with shame
(5:11) The power of vulnerability
(8:57) Stuck on shame and how to unlock something
(10:57) Tim credits Alan's guidance and the Next Level Business Solutions for the transformative impact on his business.
(12:30) Safe space
(14:12) Admit and address
(16:16) Roots: Identify and heal that shame
(18:52) Outro
Next level nation. Welcome back to another episode of next level university, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. We hope you enjoyed yesterday's episode 158. Who is the person you feel safest around? It's been a heavy, heavy-ish week of episodes and Today is gonna be similar. I don't know why. I think it's just the conversations I've been having and the experiences Alan and I have been having. Maybe it's the time of year, I don't know, but today for episode over 1,559 one place shame shows up for a lot of us. We have an amazing client who I interview and Then we take the interview and break it up into content for that Something we're testing out. So if you need help with that, let us know.
Speaker 2:But what's that called?
Speaker 1:I don't have next-level video production kind of, but next-level social media also, I don't really know. Yet we're just kind of winging it as we do messy action, perfect. This is one of my favorite people on the planet, this person, we always joke. I always say, are you getting sick of me? Yet and they say I thought you were getting sick of me and we just it's a, it's a really. We have an amazing relationship and when we first started working together, one of the first things I said was my goal is Is to help you stop overthinking things that you don't need to overthink. My goal is to be the push, the person who gives you the push off the edge, just gently. And it's been really challenging. It's been a challenge that we've been trying to work through together. So on our last call last week, I said can I ask you a question? And she said yeah, of course. And I said your parents, were they supportive or were they not supportive? Do they put air into your wings and you're into your sales or not? She said no, no, no, no. They were very negative and it definitely created a lot of stuff for me. I said, okay, that was gonna be my guess, because One of the ways shame shows up for us.
Speaker 1:One of the places is perfectionism, and this person is somebody who deals with just textbook perfectionism, afraid to put something out where it's not gonna be perfect. I'm afraid it's not the right time, it's not the right space, it's not the right message. And the shame around it is because when they were growing up they got a ton of embarrassment and a ton of negativity around doing things incorrectly or maybe looking stupid or saying the wrong thing. And shame is one of those extra heavy things because it hits us at the psychological safety level of I don't, I don't belong here, I'm gonna get kicked out of the group, I'm not deserving of the space I have and self-worth again, it can really affect self-worth as well.
Speaker 1:So if you're a perfectionist, my Very preemptive next level nugget I guess lately I've just been trying to get them as early as possible three minutes into the episode today Is there a place you can reflect on where you felt shame and from that shame you started focusing more and more and more on perfectionism or you started to identify more and more and more with perfectionism. That would be my early next level nugget, because right when we started talking about it was abundantly clear that the only real way for you to get over it is to understand that it's not going to be perfect and just because it doesn't go hyper positive doesn't mean that we are going to have any shame around it. Maybe that's just old condition, but I thought it would be a valuable episode to do because I know you've coached a lot of people in the community and I'm sure perfectionism is something you've helped people overcome. But that would be a valuable episode.
Speaker 2:I would say that wherever you hold shame, there's always unlocks for sure. And I actually was on with a client earlier I'm not a client team member, but I'll keep it anonymous and I said weird question. She's like go ahead. I said we were trying to dial in 2024 and I said if we really want to work on the things that really need work in 2024, you almost have to be vulnerable with me and share what you are, jeff, and what you're screwing up, what you're, what you're ashamed of really.
Speaker 2:And my exact verbiage was what would I be alarmed at? I'm your coach, I admire you, you admire me and I'm me and this person have a wonderful relationship, by the way. I mean I think the world of this person. I literally said that. I said I think the world of you, what's something that if you shared it with me, I'd be a little bit like really and I'm not saying that from a negative way, because I'm I'm not going to add shame to the shame fire. That's not what I'm doing. What I'm saying is let's work on the stuff that really needs work. Are you willing to be vulnerable with me and share? And she said this. She said and again, I'll keep this anonymous. She's like yeah, you know, every now and then I'll hammer a weed brownie.
Speaker 2:I said yeah, yeah, there you go. And I think she said an edible. I think every now and then I'll do an edible, and I feel like you wouldn't necessarily approve of that. I said I do, you're good, you're good. And we actually she said the other thing is, I feel like I don't really eat enough. I feel like you might not approve. If you saw my diet, you might be a little bit alarmed.
Speaker 2:And that was literally the frame I went into is as your coach, as someone who wants to see you flourish and fly and and be the best holistic version of yourself. What is something that if I knew I'd be like whoa. We need to work on that. And she shared that. She said I don't eat enough. I've had trouble in the past with diet. I've had trouble in the past with with anorexia. I've had trouble in the past with eating disorders. I've had trouble in the past with body dysmorphia and I don't eat enough. I said all good, here's what we do. We were dialing in, we have this. We don't really have a name for it yet, but picture, picture. This is going to be hard to articulate for us.
Speaker 2:Yeah, a bunch of circles. Okay, so we did this in in group 12 actually last night and I've been doing it with all my clients and, and if you want the asset, reach out Now at nextleveluniversecom. I'll literally send it to you and you can do an assessment for 2024. So picture your name in the center and there's a star and then there's three different, three circle Venn diagrams. It's going to be tough. I got this, okay. The bottom left is health slash fitness and there's a little Venn diagram of three circles. Then you go up to the center and it's like a triangle and there's three more circles and this is wealth slash career. Then the bottom right, three more circles and this is love slash relationships. And to finish this story out, what I said is in the bottom left, health slash fitness. Let's just put proper nourishment, we put proper nourishment. That's it. Thank you for being vulnerable. Thank you for telling me the thing you're ashamed of. It's okay, let's work on it.
Speaker 2:One of my primary focuses in coaching is something that I've talked about in the past, but never from the frame of shame. The biggest detriment to someone's self-esteem and their self-worth is usually connected to where they hold shame. For some people it's their physique. Until you keep the promises to yourself in fitness or nutrition, you're going to not have high self-esteem. So what I'm trying to do is build a relationship with people where they trust that they can share what they're ashamed of.
Speaker 2:I had a client this is years ago and this was a really powerful conversation. She was stuck in shame and I could tell and anonymously, I can share this she was stuck. She had an abortion years ago and she bawled her eyes out with me on the call and I'm telling you, after she forgave herself and we worked through that together she unlocked. After that she was a whole new version of herself. She was stuck in shame. You can tell. You can tell people who are stuck in shame I think we all are to some extent but there's got to be a way to forgive yourself or uncondition whatever you were conditioned to be.
Speaker 2:So maybe this person that I talked about, with proper nutrition, maybe growing up they always thought they were too fat, or maybe they were called fat, or maybe they were bullied, or maybe they were fat when they were young or whatever. Or heavier Fat's probably not the right word, but you understand what I'm saying. The point is is that all of us have these things that if we share them and this goes in tandem with the last episode yesterday last episode yesterday was do you have a safe space to share these things with people when they're not going to pour flames on the shame spiral and make you feel even worse, they're not going to make fun of you? This person knew I wasn't going to make fun of her. She knew I was going to help her.
Speaker 2:And now she's going to dial in proper nutrition and proper nourishment for 2024 because she had the courage to actually share it. And so, whatever you think you have a shame around, it's really valuable to face that. And whether it's Kevin's client unlocking the perfectionism thing, or it's my you know the NLUT member who's doing proper nutrition now, or it's this person who needed to forgive herself for the abortion she had years ago, those things are real and this is the real world and these things hold us back and there's a way to address them.
Speaker 1:A great, a great conversation starter, a great opener is hey, and again depends contextually but hey, I have something vulnerable that I'd like to share, that I'm holding shame, or just puts it right out. Going back to the previous episode, it has to be with the right person. But even if you start it with that, it kind of it creates a table for the expectations of what's going to be said, so the person can try to receive properly. I just thought of a really funny story, yeah.
Speaker 2:Kev. I don't know if this is two weeks ago or a week ago. Kev saw on my count, so Kev sees my calendar and on my calendar he saw books for babes.
Speaker 2:He saw some books for babes charity initiative, philanthropy stuff and he's like, yeah, I see you've got books for babes going on on Wednesday. I got all of Wednesday blocked off a couple of weeks ago and I get on the mics and it's before we record and I'm like Kev, I got it, I can't. I got to tell you. I'm ashamed, dude, it's not all books for babes. We're going to do some books for babes at Barnes Noble, but I'm going to the fucking movies.
Speaker 2:Man, it was hilarious. It's like, dude, I need you to. I can't have you thinking that I'm working all day for philanthropy while I'm sitting there eating popcorn at the movies. I just need you to know. But that's hilarious but also true, because I had that moment of my calendar says philanthropic efforts and I'm going to be sitting there eating Swedish fish. You know, having a time of my life on a Wednesday while he's working his face off, and I'm going to be at the movies watching Napoleon. But whether it's something simple and playful like that, or it's something that is really big and he was like dude, you're good, it's funny but I don't want I.
Speaker 2:there's an integrity thing there there is. I can't have you thinking that I'm doing philanthropy work when I'm actually at the movies. That's not aligned for me. Now we did end up going to Barnes and Noble and we bought all the books for books for babes. We had boxes and boxes. So it was the same trip, but I'm not going to hide that no way.
Speaker 1:I think you drastically overestimate the amount of thought I have about your calendar. Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 2:I'm trying to get through my own life.
Speaker 1:I don't care what you're up to man, you do you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I know you don't care if I go to the movies, but, dude, that's something that I think people struggle with. Yeah, for sure, I've come to realize that a lot of us hold a lot of shame around addiction or foods we eat or the way we look. Can we push for it, I wonder? I can't pretend to be an expert on this, but I do know that there's a way to own it, feel the shame and then work on it. You know, I remember I used to have tons of shame around booze, for sure. Oh, yeah, definitely, definitely, yeah. And if you can't own that and feel it and have a safe space to talk about it, you might just develop this huge ego of no, I'm good, it's all good, no problem. You ever meet someone like, oh yeah, what quit any time I want? It's just ego, because and what is ego? An overcompensation for shame. You know you're better off owning it, admitting it. It's that admittance factor, it's the acceptance factor.
Speaker 2:I'm not in control of this like I wanna be. I am not doing. It can be simple. I am not doing mobility as much as I wanna do. I am not writing as much as I wanna write. I am not tracking habits like I once was. I'm not being as kind to my partner as I once was. I'm drinking too much, I'm staying up too late, I'm whatever it is, and you can face it and you can admit it, but you're never gonna solve a problem, you don't admit. That's my next level nugget. You're never gonna solve a problem, you don't admit, and you're probably not gonna admit it if you don't have a safe space.
Speaker 1:I was gonna say that I think this goes directly to the previous episode.
Speaker 2:Yeah, 100%.
Speaker 1:If you have someone in your life where you can say, hey, I'm feeling shame about something, you're in a pretty good spot. Yeah, all things considered, just like if you have somebody in your life where you can say, hey, I'm a little nervous about money, or I went to try clothes on the other day and then it fit the way they used to, you're in a good. I know that that's all challenging stuff to experience and challenging stuff to communicate, but if you have somebody in your life you can communicate with, you're probably in a better spot. That you might realize holistically, that would be my next level. Nugget you dig.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think it's important. I concur, it's good. Ask yourself my next level nugget, like I already said, but my second one is I only got one Next level.
Speaker 2:Nugget number two Ask yourself where you might be holding shame. What are you ashamed of? That's okay. The thing is, no one else has to. I held a lot. This was a simple one. I held a lot of shame around not writing consistently. Still do. That's it's because I'm below my own standard. Shame comes from behaving outside of alignment with your highest self, and it can either come externally and people bully you and drive the shame deeper, or it can come from just not living up to your true potential, and I think all of us struggle with that. I don't know a single person who doesn't make poor decisions in some area of their life, and if they think they don't, they're probably just inaccurate or lying to themselves or it's their ego or whatever. Yeah, I would say, ask yourself that question when am I holding shame? That's, that's step one.
Speaker 1:Next level, nugget number four, if you will. Next level nation. If you have not yet joined our private Facebook group, we would absolutely love to have you. We are coming up in the new year new year, new group. I'm sure it will be beneficial for your growth. It's beneficial for our growth, the community's growth, the team's growth. So get around like minded people, get around people who you can talk to real, you can talk to about real stuff. That is definitely an unlock and probably drastically undervalued and underappreciated. Link will be in the show notes, as always.
Speaker 2:Group coaching is probably not what you think. It is more inclusive, it is more safe. It is a place where you can talk about the things that are not going well, you can talk about your struggles and you can talk about your successes. It is it's a special place. I mean, this last group was messaging the assistant coach, amy L, privately about many different things. You just don't have to be alone. This growth journey is brutal. Some people are avoiding all mirrors. They don't want to grow, they don't want a therapist, they don't want a coach, they don't want to be around people that are flourishing and thriving and they don't want to look at all the things that they could improve. I understand that that is what it is, but if you do want a safe space to do that, where you're not alone, group coaching is the place. Group 13 starts January 2nd. The promo code is NLUListner all one word. The link to the landing page will be in the show notes.
Speaker 1:Tomorrow for episode number 1,560. Doesn't it feel like we just crossed 1,500? We've already done 60. It's been 60 days 1,400 took forever For some reason 1,500 is coming up quick.
Speaker 2:That's cruising by.
Speaker 1:Or 1,600, rather, whatever number it is, whatever number it is that comes up.
Speaker 2:Someone emailed me today and said, hey, congratulations on surpassing 1,600 episodes. And hey, do you need to dial in your AI? And I was like I deleted it, I spammed it, but I was like we didn't cross 1,600.
Speaker 1:Definitely not no.
Speaker 2:That person is just.
Speaker 1:Well, between this and conscious couples you have.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't think they were doing that, man. Well, maybe they just threw a number out there Tomorrow for episode number 3,476.
Speaker 1:Things that don't seem productive but are as we learn and we grow and we yeah, really we learn about ourselves. I think what's productive for me is different than what's productive for Alan, and what's productive for you, whether you're watching or listening, is completely different. Now, are there some things that cross? Yes, but there are probably other things that have nothing to do with each other that I would not consider productive. We're going to talk about that.
Speaker 2:Do a productivity episode. Something like that yeah.
Speaker 1:I like that. I know you do. I figured we went pretty heavy for the last week, so I think maybe we'll come up for air.
Speaker 2:Do a little productivity it's a little more positive.
Speaker 1:I know these episodes can be heavy For sure. So that's what we're going to talk about tomorrow. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you, and at NLU we do not have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow.
Speaker 2:Identify and heal that shame, next time on Nation.
