Next Level University

#1566 - What Don't You Want To Change About Yourself

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Share episode

In this episode, hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros peeled back the layers on a topic that resonates with many: the delicate dance between personal growth and staying true to our core identity. The dialogue provided a candid look at the introspective journey of embracing change while holding on to the foundational aspects that make us who we are. This conversation didn't just skim the surface of self-improvement tropes; it dove deep into the heart of what it means to evolve without losing sight of one's true self. The insights shared are valuable for those embarking on their growth journey and serve as a gentle reminder for the seasoned self-help enthusiast to check in with their core values and beliefs. No matter where life's journey takes you, the most vital element is to stay unmistakably, unapologetically you. It's a reminder that resonates deeply, especially in a world where the pressure to conform can be overwhelming.

Link mentioned:
To learn more about group coaching, https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/group-coaching/
Discount Code: NLULISTENER

______________________

Website 💻  http://www.nextleveluniverse.com   

The best way to track your habits is here! Download the app: Optimal - https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/optimal/   

_______________________

Any of these communities or resources are FREE to join and consume

_______________________

We love connecting with you guys! Reach out on LinkedIn, Instagram, or via email.

Instagram 📷
Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/neverquitkid/
Alan: https://www.instagram.com/alazaros88/

Show notes:
(1:36) Kevin's preference
(3:39) Fixed and growth mindset
(6:34) Move beyond the limiting beliefs
(9:26) Staying true while growing
(11:37) Simple pleasures & newfound appreciation
(14:57) Kim thanks Kevin for going above and beyond in helping launch the Peaceful Productivity podcast.
(16:41) Thinking about your thinking
(18:19) Contemplation
(21:22) Be yourself and be fulfilled
(26:17) Outro

Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

Kevin:

Next level nation. Welcome back to another episode of next level university, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. We hope you enjoyed yesterday's episode, episode number 1565. One reason many relationships burn out Today. For episode number 1566 what don't you want to change about yourself? Yes, we are a self-improvement podcast. We are a self-improvement company and that usually involves growing and evolving and Changing parts of you that you want to change. But I think there are for most of us. There are always gonna be, some pieces of us that we want to stay the same, so I thought we could have an open conversation about that. This came up for me, alan, because I was thinking of.

Kevin:

I went through a phase in In my mid-20s when I just kept thinking to myself I really need to Be more extroverted than I am. I need to go out To bars and I need to go out to clubs and I need to go to parties and I need to go do these things that I don't necessarily want to do, and I Don't know why I felt the need to do it. I Think it was it was more important to the people around me than it was to myself, but I never really enjoyed it. I'm at the stage now I'm 34 years old. I feel like an old man at heart and I would much rather stay in and watch a movie and order food and be in my pajamas. I don't really want to go out and do stuff like that. I don't really like going out. I Would rather stay in than get dinner. I'd rather stay in in order Domino's than go out and get a hundred dollar dinner. I just like being home.

Kevin:

I'm a homeboy. Is that detrimental at times? Sure, and we're gonna kind of go into that. But that's one of the things about me that I don't really ever want to change. I'm a simple man. I have very low, I'm very low maintenance with most things. I don't really ever want that to change. I don't. I Don't want to have to go out for entertainment. I don't want to have to get up. I get all dressed up and go out. I like hanging out, I like being comfortable, I like being low maintenance and I don't know if that's something about me that I ever want to change. No matter what happens with the podcast success, the business success, the financial success I don't know if that's ever gonna change. Nor do I want to change.

Alan:

Kevin remember a time when you and I were early on and kev had this belief unconsciously or Semi-consciously or hyper-consciously throwback to the hyper conscious podcast where he had to be more like me to be successful. And I think unconsciously I had. I thought I had to be more like him to be liked and we were unconsciously kind of driving to five and I do think that was beneficial for a time but it crossed. It crossed past where it was beneficial. You know you were dressing to the nines, you know, and and trying to be more like me and I think I was overly worried about sounding arrogant or not being liked or whatever. And I think we're now kind of swinging back to center and, at the end of the day, whatever you are, be a good one, be a great one. And my executive admin, jerry, and, has that on her wall and I say it all the time Whatever you are, be a great one. I think it says be a good one, but be a great one. And what I wanted to talk about on this episode I told kev before we recorded Is this idea of when you first get into personal growth, you're on the far left side of a spectrum, you're, you have a fixed mindset and when you first get into personal growth, it shifts your belief system around.

Alan:

You know what? I actually can't Change this. I can improve this. I can. I can get smarter, I can get better, I can get more intelligent, I can make better choices. I can get better habits. I can become a better version of me.

Alan:

And I think that people go from a fixed mindset of you're born the way you are. You're shy and you're going to always have to be shy, and that's a fixed mindset. I don't think that's empowering. And so you, you get into personal growth. So I'll use an example of someone who used to say I'm shy, I'm shy. So this person said I was shy. She also said she wasn't intelligent. She didn't think she did well in school and she didn't think she was very smart. That's a fixed mindset. She didn't think she could do anything about it. Fast forward, fast forward, fast forward.

Alan:

She found our podcast this is years and years and years ago and she started to have more of a growth mindset and she started to think okay, well, I can learn and I can grow and I can improve and I can. I can Go talk to strangers and I can learn how to be less shy, I can learn how to be less introverted, I can put myself out there more, I can have courage, I can be vulnerable, and that's all true, and that all happened and the growth journey happened. But it it passed a point when it was constructive. It passed a point where it was like I'm not who I want to be anymore. I don't want to grow every day, I don't want to improve every day, I don't want to do this, I want to be regular. And this person ended up leaving our orbit and and she, you know, didn't necessarily say I want to be regular, but she didn't want to be a peak performer or a high performer or a. She didn't want to climb Mount Everest, so to speak, and that's all fine. And so my point with this is you can go from a fixed mindset To a growth mindset and the early rewards are huge. You end up fulfilled oh my god, I can go out, I can dress up, I can be on stage, I can podcast, I can whatever, coach, ba-ba-ba. And then you reach a point where it's like you know what? There's certain things about me that I don't know if I even can change. I Was on a podcast earlier today and and he said, oh my god, amazing interview, he's blown away.

Alan:

I was grateful very good interview, just seems like a good person. And he said can you leave us with some some really valuable words? What's the? What's the words you'd leave us with and I always think of well, if I could have a billboard, like what would I put on it? The whole world would see. And I ended up saying what was true about you ten years ago, that's gonna be true ten years from now.

Alan:

I actually told a story about clubhouse, how you know Kevin and everyone in my life, and Kevin less than others but we're saying we got to get on clubhouse, we got to get on clubhouse, we got to get on clubhouse. And I remember saying like no, we don't. Emilia came to me, you came to me, everyone was saying you got to get on clubhouse. And I remember thinking I don't care, I don't want to go on clubhouse. What? It's just a giant status. Who's got the best talking head to come up on stage? It's just I. It's a fad. I know it is and Maybe it'll exist in ten years, but I doubt it. I don't care about clubhouse.

Alan:

So what I, what I used as an example is don't design your life around short-term fads, don't design your life around phases. We, we do this with our kids. I don't have kids, but I've heard this growing up oh, this is just a phase, oh, this is just the terrible twos or the whatever sevens, or you know they're not, it's just a phase. You don't want to design your life and make long-term decisions on short-term phases. You don't want to make long-term decisions based on short-term fads. So To bring this all full circle, yeah, there's limiting beliefs and I don't like limiting beliefs and I and there's fixed mindset, and I agree with you. You know growth mindsets the way. But there's this, this chasm that you cross into delusion.

Alan:

No matter what I do, no matter how hard I work, I cannot be the strongest man on this earth. I'm not gifted in strength, I'm actually kind of weak. To be completely honest with all of you. I may look strong, I may look good. There were times when I looked way stronger than my friends and they still were so much stronger than me. Aesthetics is a gift for me. Strength is not. Emilia is almost as strong as me and she weighs 50 pounds less. Okay, but I have long giraffe legs and I will, I can outrun. I was literally running backwards. We did a 5k together and I was running backwards for like half of it.

Alan:

She said can you just go right that we have gifts and there's certain gifts you can't change and there's certain gifts you shouldn't change. No matter how hard Kevin tries to be me, he's not gonna be a better me. No matter how hard I try to be as likable as Kevin, it's not gonna happen. No chance, right, that's okay. So, whatever you are, be a good one. Whoever you are, be a great one. And, yes, you can change and improve Certain things, and there's pros and cons. Being shy has cons and it has pros.

Alan:

Have you staying in? Being a homebody has pros and cons. So you got to decide for you. But are you ever gonna be a naturally extroverted person who wants to party all the time? Absolutely not. That is there's no way. I've met you. I know you. No chance.

Alan:

I want to see Emilia. One time was the last thing I say. So what do you want to do for your birthday? This is years ago and I'm like, oh well, my mom's having dinner. But she said no, no, no, alan. I asked what you want to do and I had this real moment with myself. I don't know. I never really thought a ton about that. It's actually a really depressing moment. To be honest with everyone, I said I don't want to do anything. I don't want to do anything, I don't want to go anywhere. I said I want to stay in, I want to watch a movie and I want to eat delicious food with you. And at the time, tucker it was before we had the cat and I don't want to do anything. It's it. And I looked back at my life and it's like every single birthday I did all this stuff. I remember going to Mohegan's son and ragers and parties and blah, blah, blah. And I realized in hindsight I never really checked in.

Alan:

Do I actually care about any of that? I am, I'm just like Kevin, very simple. I care about very few things, but I care about those things deeply. Fitness is one of them, food is one of them. Kevin and I both share that. We had a whole argument on the last episode about food. Those things we care about at level 10 and the rest we just let ride. We just don't care. That's OK. So whoever you are, be that and improve that and grow from there, rather than trying to be something you're not, because that's just a game you can't really win.

Kevin:

Same when it comes to the birthday stuff. Tyron's asked me many times my birthday, I think last year, fell on a Saturday. I said I want to watch, I want to stay home, I want to watch UFC and I want to eat pizza. I don't want, I don't want a cake, I don't want anything else. I don't want anybody to know, I don't care, I just want to be me. I don't want to be celebrated, I don't need to be celebrated, I don't desire to be celebrated. I appreciate it, I appreciate the thoughtfulness, but it's just that ain't it for me. I just want to hang out. This is. This is something that shifted for me. I remember it's almost like when you get into self-improvement there's a little bit of ego. Maybe it's just extra pride that comes with it. But I remember for a long time and I'm not making this wrong if you aren't on this side or you disagree, I'm just saying for me, this has been my experience.

Kevin:

I remember I used to hate small talk. I used to hate it to the point where I would try to have deep conversations with everybody I came across and then I started to see the detriment of that too, of sometimes I'd just be talking to myself and the other person very clearly wanted nothing to do with it. I have a newfound appreciation for small talk because for some people small talk is the way and it makes them feel good and it makes them feel expressed, and not everybody has the opportunity to express themselves. You ever talk to somebody? I remember when I used to do the job I used to do, we used to go into schools a lot and this was a very interesting character study and it was very personal to me and I'll explain why. Usually we would connect with the custodians. Custodians were the ones who would kind of help us get through the school and unlock places that we needed to get to, and I noticed that many of the custodians really, really liked to talk. They would talk your ear off if you let them, and I think one of the reasons why is they didn't have a lot of people to talk to and it wasn't necessarily super deep conversation. It was more I want to feel seen, I want to feel heard and I want to feel appreciated. I had a real deep respect for that because I remember when I was a custodian quote unquote at a hospital, nobody really wanted to talk to me either. I remember what that was like.

Kevin:

So I used to be in the very beginning. I was on the phase of screw, small talk, everything should be super deep. Then it was probably well, yeah, and then I think it just kind of it's wafted back and forth to the place where there's nothing better than a really good deep talk with someone who wants to have a really good deep talk. That is the best thing in the world. But if somebody just wants to stay at the surface, I'm okay visiting there.

Kevin:

It probably isn't going to light me up at the same level of deep talk will, but I'd rather have that conversation than try to have a super deep talk with that person and nothing happened or them get turned off, or I'd rather maintain the relationship than just have a purely deep talk. And that's something that's changed about myself. In the beginning I didn't think I wanted that to change Over time. It just kind of has and I think it's kind of landed where it should. So I guess that's another perspective for this episode is what don't you want to change about yourself? You might not want to change it, but you might find in five years that it's what's best for you to change.

Alan:

I think a lot of that resonates as well, because I have a really hard time not talking about things. You know the mantra of say things that matter to people who care it's. I was actually again on a podcast earlier talking about how I now understand that. I'll go brief about this, but even that, even me saying that I know not everyone cares. You know, I get it. There's something called metacognition. Well, thinking about your thinking, kevin and I have gone deep. We used to travel together all the time and we just have deep, deep conversations about the economy and the world and what the purpose of life is and what we're doing, and what we used to do versus what we are now are upbringing people in high school, popular people versus not popular people, athlete everything. We've talked about everything about the world, why things are the way they are, how they work. That's who we are. We're existentialists, we're philosophers. We just do this all the time. We do it for a living now, great. But I was on the podcast earlier and I said I now realize that not everyone cares and I'm a metacog person, so let me give you a tiny example. So the dog went to the mall and took a poop on the carpet is a story. A meta story is dogs sometimes eat and when they eat they need to digest it in poop and then there's like layers and layers and layers of well, dogs are a species. There's actually different types of dogs, but when dogs eat this kind of food, there's layers and so not everyone cares about the layers.

Alan:

Alan and I used to hang out with people who did not care and in hindsight that's so clear. And as I become more mature and this is really important for anyone out there who's listening who does obviously like to go deep you would not like this show if you don't. You just wouldn't. You'd be like why does that matter? Right, Growing up everybody so many. You think too much. I got that. You think too much. You think too much. You think too much.

Alan:

I'm 35 now I realized they're not doing metacognition. They think I think too much because I'm thinking about my thinking. A human being, you can take yourself out of the chess game. You can take yourself out of yourself. You can think about the globe and the earth and gravity and you can think about the universe. You can metacognition. Dogs don't have metacognition, they just ooh bone. You know. They just run around. They do stuff they just do.

Alan:

A lot of people are on autopilot. That is the truth. A lot of people are on autopilot. They are not thinking about their past, they're not thinking about their future, they're thinking about today and that's it, and that's their choice.

Alan:

Okay, but I like to contemplate what the purpose of life is. What is the meaning of life? What growth, limiting beliefs, growth mindset, all that stuff. That's what this podcast is built on Contemplation, contemplation of yourself, contemplation of others, contemplation of the world, how it works, why it works that way. And so to your point, kev.

Alan:

I think that it's very mature of you and I to grow through these things and to realize that at certain gatherings, you just kind of stay on the surface because no one really wants to go any deeper. And you try, I try, I, you know, oh, you know, I'll ask. You know what's new? It's all same old, same old. How's work? Oh, you know pretty good, pretty good. And it's like well, you know what's next in your career.

Alan:

And I remember one person said no, I'm good. I remember thinking like are you kidding me? That's it, you're done, you're like 27. What's next? What's the next level? Right, no one cares? Oh, you would never listen to our show. You don't like me? That's fine, that's fine. Let's just move on with our lives. Right, I'll go back to the surface. You can go back to doing whatever you do and not thinking about it. And I'm not trying to offend anybody, I just want to be me and this is who I am. And on this show we talk about stuff like that and if you don't like it, you don't have to listen, and that's okay. And I think that we're finally realizing that, kev, and I think it's very mature of us, because in the beginning I thought the same of growth and everybody wants to grow, and I was guilty of that more than you, for sure.

Kevin:

Yeah, yeah. But the other thing too is when you get the perspective of how hard it's been to get here. I understand, I empathize with people who don't want to grow, because I know how hard it's been to get here and I always consider it. When I'm with a group of people, I consider it pockets of depth, where there are certain people you'll come across where it's like oh, you want to, you want to go deep? Hell yeah. And there's other people where you can tell, yeah, you just want to kind of stay on the on the surface, that's okay, I can hang here. I'm not really great at this. I can hold a conversation, but I'm. That's usually how I go go through it. I have some people in mind where every time I see them, they're happy to see me because they get to go deep and I'm happy to see them because that we get. We can kind of go deep together, where there's other people that just don't want that. So to your point, yeah, it really is.

Kevin:

You have to decide what that is for you, do you? Maybe you don't ever want to turn it off, whether you're watching or listening, and you always want to have deep conversations either. Maybe you just rather not talk to someone than have a shallow conversation. I'm not gonna make that right. I'm not gonna make that wrong. It's about what's right for you and what's wrong for you. At the end of the day and that would be my next level nugget what don't you want to change about yourself? That's on you, that's up to you, that's your responsibility, that's your opportunity, that's your choice. Are there pros and cons with everything? Absolutely. At least go in knowing the pros and knowing the cons, and I think that as long as you're there and you're the most informed you can be when you're making your decisions, you'll have, hopefully, the least amount of regret, and that that would be the next level nugget for me my next level, nugget.

Alan:

Very last thing I was with a client recently and she audioed me and she said how do you do it? How do you, how do you work so hard to help so many people and sometimes get very little, if any, credit and I do get credit. So I want to make that clear. But sometimes I would say effort to credit ratio is not super great, because the effort is just insane. And this person knows that. This person has known me for years and I said honestly, the truth of the matter is is that I'm fulfilled? I love my life? I don't. I don't love every second of it. I don't love.

Alan:

I love podcasting, but I don't always want to podcast. I love coaching, but I definitely don't always want to coach. I I love my life and I love my relationship, but I'm not always waking up with rainbows and butterflies and pumped for the day like, yeah, let's you know that's all BS straight up. But overall, holistically, my life is magnificent and I love it, but it's really challenging. And I told her this. I said, listen, I'm doing it for fulfillment. At this stage, I want to achieve my goals and in many ways it's more of a calling than anything.

Alan:

I kind of have to in a way because it's who I am and it's who I aspire to be, and that's a whole another episode. But I'm fulfilled. I'm really, really, really fulfilled. And I'm not fulfilled when I don't do this I'm. I'm unfulfilled when I'm not improving. I'm unfulfilled when I'm not having deep conversations. I'm unfulfilled when I'm not coaching and helping people grow. And this is why I'm here. This is who I am. And she said oh, I'm not fulfilled. And she's shifting her life to be more of her and less of me, and just like Kevin trying to be like me, me trying to be like Kevin.

Alan:

You have to cut that out because if it's not fulfilling, you're in trouble. Doesn't mean it has to be pleasurable. Doesn't mean it has to be fun. Doesn't mean it has to be easy. Feedback is going to be brutal. Any goals next level you do is going to be just brutal. Okay, let's own that. That's table stakes. But is it fulfilling? The amount of ridicule and hate and crap I've gotten on this last seven-year journey is insane. It has not been good, but it's. I'm fulfilled in my real life, regardless of what hate I get on social media or my friends or my friends' friends or who I should, or blah, blah, blah. What I said at a context. At the end of the day, I told her I'm fulfilled and I think when you're being yourself and you're in alignment with your calling, whatever it is, you will be fulfilled and that's the proof that you're being you. I don't think you can be fulfilled being someone else.

Kevin:

Well said.

Alan:

I tried for many years, didn't work.

Kevin:

Didn't work. Very hyper conscious episode.

Alan:

Very hyper conscious episode. Yeah, same.

Kevin:

Next level nation. As you know, group 13,. Round 13 of group coaching starts on January 2nd. I cannot imagine a better way to start the new year. A lot of us are going to set resolutions that, unfortunately, just we will not follow through on. I'm guilty of that in the past, 100%. I know a lot of people are. Let us help you accomplish your goals with group coaching.

Kevin:

Accountability is built in, necessity is built in, leadership is built in and it is wildly affordable at $97 a month $96.60, I believe, with the promo code NLU listener, there is how many calls? 12 calls total. Is that true? Three months times four? Yes, sir, 12 calls. A lot of calls every week for three months. So Alan and myself one week, and then Amy for a connection call the next week, and then Alan and myself all the way through. You will feel supported, you will be supported, you will be surrounded by an amazing community and you are far more likely to kick off 2024 with momentum. So Link will be in the show notes. We'd love to have you. Please join if you are interested.

Alan:

Two quotes I've been saying for off and on the last six, seven years since Kevin and I started this. Number one is if you had a friend who broke as many promises to you as you've broken to yourself, how much would you value that friendship? Group coaching is going to help you keep the promises you make to yourself. Second one is the suppression of self-expression leads to depression and you're going to be able to express yourself. You're going to be able to be yourself. That's what this episode is about. Whatever you are, be a good one. Group coaching is going to help you with that. So remember when you were on a sports team and you were more consistent, because you will do more for others. When you're a part of a team, it ignites another part of you. That's what group coaching was built on. So join us Again. Link in the show notes $97 a month for three months, which comes to only $24 per call. Promo code NLUList and our two Kevin's point, and give it a shot. Please give it a shot.

Kevin:

Tomorrow for episode number 1,567,. It takes two to communicate effectively. I had a call with one of our clients today and I was going through their social media we're doing their social media and I was creating some content for them and I found a really good piece of content that made me think of this episode all about communication. This person is a. Is this the one you sent me? No? No, this is different. You sent me a clip.

Alan:

No, this is different.

Kevin:

This client is a clinical psychologist but is just such a good communicator, just knows the right words to say and knows how to take ownership, and it's just a joy to work with, I imagine, a joy to be around and a joy to be a business partner with and a joy to be a partner with, just based on the way they communicate. So I thought it would be a valuable episode to talk about that. So we're going to do that tomorrow. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you, and at NLU we do not have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow.

Alan:

Be your damn self. Next subnation this is Dr.

People on this episode

Head Shot

Alan Lazaros

Host
Head Shot

Kevin Palmieri

Host