Next Level University

#1568 - The Only Way Around It Is Through It

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Share episode

Every successful person knows the familiar pang of fear that precedes leaping, whether the literal drop into a half-pipe or the metaphorical plunge into a new life venture. In this episode, hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros encapsulate this analogy perfectly, illustrating that confronting fear isn't just part of the process; it is the process itself. In an era where many seek the shortcut to success and happiness, this conversation stands as a testament to the value of walking the longer, more arduous path. The message is clear: facing our deepest fears is possible and necessary for personal growth. As we confront these fears, they diminish, and a foundation of self-trust and self-worth is built in their place. Embrace humility, recognize the power in vulnerability, and understand that actual growth often lies beyond our comfort zones to face whatever life throws our way.

Link mentioned:
To learn more about group coaching, https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/group-coaching/
Discount Code: NLULISTENER

______________________

Website 💻  http://www.nextleveluniverse.com   

The best way to track your habits is here! Download the app: Optimal - https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/optimal/   

_______________________

Any of these communities or resources are FREE to join and consume

_______________________

We love connecting with you guys! Reach out on LinkedIn, Instagram, or via email.

Instagram 📷
Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/neverquitkid/
Alan: https://www.instagram.com/alazaros88/

Show notes:
(2:09) Face it in increments
(4:34) It's not easy at first
(8:40) Deceptive appearance of success
(10:37) The importance of evolution
(11:48) Building self-worth
(13:56) Nathan expresses his appreciation for the invaluable coaching services he received from Alan.
(14:40) Personal development set-point
(18:19) Embrace the grind
(20:24) The power of self-trust
(23:32) Immediate gratification vs. genuine self-discipline
(28:42) Outro

Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

Speaker 1:

Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. We hope you enjoyed our latest episode. It was episode number 1,567. Should you stop taking so much ownership? Excuse me Today for episode number 1,568, the only way around it is through it. I went on a podcast recently and a lot of the questions were answered, with me first saying I'm going to sound like a broken record, but what?

Speaker 2:

can I do for you?

Speaker 1:

man.

Speaker 2:

I'm just having a good day.

Speaker 1:

You and I are having a good day. Yeah, it's Friday as of this recording, which means very little in the grand scheme of things More less for you than me, but it's just pretty much another day. Before every answer, I kind of said this is going to sound, I'm going to sound like a broken record, but the only way for you to overcome the thing that you're running from is to go through it. I don't know if there's another way.

Speaker 1:

If you're afraid of something, the only real way to not be afraid of something is to be afraid of it long enough in the beginning, or you go through it. It's almost like you're either afraid of something forever at a level let's just say five for this example, or you're afraid of something at a level 10 for like a year, and then it's, then it's like a five and then it's like a four, and then it's a three and it's a two and it's a one eventually, because I think you have to go through it. If you're afraid of heights, you can either avoid heights your whole life or you can face the fear. I don't know if there's any way around that. If you are struggling with having challenging conversations, the best way to overcome that is, to start having the least amount of challenging conversations you can, and then work your way up.

Speaker 1:

My chair just did it again. You, son of a B, work your way up, work your way up my chair, the brand new chair, the things just throws me back in the middle of the episode. You know what I mean. What are you reclining For?

Speaker 2:

those of you on YouTube, you can see. Kevin just slowly slinked into the distance.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, everything's made, everything is made. This is really why I wanted to do this episode, because we apologize, listeners.

Speaker 2:

We're going to get it together. Yeah, we're going to get it together. Happy New Year.

Speaker 1:

Happy New Year. I don't know if you can really do something the easy way. I don't really think there is an easy way. Does it get easier?

Speaker 2:

Same.

Speaker 1:

Eventually, yes, but it's usually after you go through the hard yards. A lot of what we have now in terms of success, it's easier than it used to be in some ways. What?

Speaker 2:

I'm just really happy. You're just a catnip. Sometimes you say success instead of success. What is it? It's S-U-C-C-E-S-S.

Speaker 1:

Success.

Speaker 2:

I think you say success, success.

Speaker 1:

I say weird things.

Speaker 2:

Why don't you?

Speaker 1:

let me finish. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you, son of a, b Continue. I don't know where I was going, really.

Speaker 2:

I do. Can I jump in?

Speaker 1:

You want to interject?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, you can interject yeah, all right, I'm 100% sure. Everything's difficult at first. Yes, you can go all the way back to the beginning, walking crawling. Everything's difficult at first. Everything that you see that someone else makes look easy at one point was brutal and I just think that's so empowering. It is Podcasting. I talked about how I recently went back to episode one. Oh man, we made it look maybe easy, but I don't know about that was that was a lot of ego, maybe, wasn't?

Speaker 2:

yeah, no matter what you do, whether it's riding a bike or skateboarding, you ever try skateboarding on a half pipe.

Speaker 1:

Very short. Yeah, there used to be in Milford Massachusetts. There was a little skatepark and I went there.

Speaker 2:

Oh yeah, escape palace. No, no, this was I used to go.

Speaker 1:

No, this is a skatepark.

Speaker 2:

Skatepark, I had a ramps half pipe, I know it was. It was in skate.

Speaker 1:

No, it's a different one. Right the different. Oh okay, this was in Menden. Sorry, my apologies, menden.

Speaker 2:

Oh, okay, gotcha.

Speaker 1:

And I went one time and I was like I can't do it Absolutely, I do not belong to it. It's so I don't they make it look too?

Speaker 2:

easy. I, I, they do. I used to do inline skating and Skateboarding and and one of my neighbors had a half pipe and his older brother, stefan. I've talked about him snowboarding and he also skateboarded. He makes it look so easy. He's grind and rail, he doing, he's doing all kinds of tricks. It is brutal. You try to go into a half pipe with a skateboard, you are gonna fall. You better wear a helmet. You are gonna fall on your. I mean, as a kid, I would just try stuff.

Speaker 2:

I am genuinely lucky to be alive. I Snowmobiling and snowboarding. There's a the a slope on white Sugarloaf I used to go to sugarloaf mountain snowboarding and there's a Slope called white nitro that there's a sign that literally says ski at your own risk, fall to your death. And Snowboarders typically didn't do it Because snowboards are, I guess, more challenging to to control your where you're headed because your feet are strapped in. But I did it and I used to be reckless for sure. But my point is is that I Probably didn't make it look that hard, because by the time someone's doing it in front of you, they're usually pretty good, make sense, and I Do believe what you believe, which the only way to go. What is it? The only way to go through? It is to go through the way around, it is through, it is through it, whether it's here.

Speaker 2:

I mean, think about it this way your very first relationship. How seriously, real talk. How bad were you at relationships in your first relationship? My, for I was probably eight years old my first relationship.

Speaker 1:

So probably pretty terrible. What grade I? I'm not the one to answer that. I don't know. I'm not good with with grades. And what age you're? I have no idea, however old you are in eighth grade.

Speaker 2:

However, my first girlfriend was third grade and I think I was. Well, you gotta figure 14 when you're a freshman in high school. So let's, let's go back eighth grade. That means you're 13 7th grade, 12, sixth grade, 11th grade, 10th grade. So you're talking third grade. Yeah, so your first girlfriend was in third grade. Yeah, okay, a third grader in an interrelationship.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, not great.

Speaker 2:

Not great, no idea what you're doing. That's why everyone says all my first serious relationship was XYZ and I take nothing from the people that marry their high school sweetheart, but I remember thinking of myself.

Speaker 1:

You must have screwed that up in the beginning.

Speaker 2:

There must have been betrayal and dishonesty and maybe infidelity. I mean, that's got to be hard and maybe some people do find the one and just stick with it. But I remember thinking of myself. There's one couple in particular that were high school sweethearts and I think how did you guys not screw that up? You know, because as a teenager you just don't know much it's tough. So at the end of the day, everything you're afraid of, everything you try.

Speaker 2:

The last thing I'll share here is anything you see that creates envy. I was on the phone with a team member earlier and she was talking about envy and she was talking about how I'm jealous of this and I said envy is just an emotional signal that you want to aspire to something. So if Kevin is envious of something I'm doing, or you're envious of something Kevin and I are doing, maybe that's your soul saying you want to do something similar. So you got to check in on that. But anything that you're envious of, that we make this look easy. I can promise you.

Speaker 2:

Right now there are some YouTubers that make things look super easy. I mean, they're edits and they're cuts and they make it look like a studio film and it's. I know that takes not only years and years and years to master. And then there's this one YouTuber who says I won't say his name, but he says that he edits all this stuff. And I found out, I got confirmation he doesn't do any of the editing. It literally the YouTube channel shows him doing editing. Oh, I'm just editing my next video.

Speaker 2:

And then it turns out that's a bold face lie. He has a whole editing team that does it all, for he doesn't actually do a single thing of editing anymore, but I guess he did in the beginning, or whatever. The point is is everything that looks easy on the surface is false. It's empowering to realize that if someone's making it look easy, it means that they're. They've taken years, if not decades, to master that thing and you're going to have to go through constant fear, pain, failure, rejection, sadness in order to get to your dreams and there is no way around that. And I know that sounds depressing, but it is the truth. And I think that, despite that, it can be really awesome and meaningful and worth it and it's better than not trying. For sure.

Speaker 1:

The reason it's empowering is because if you don't, if you try to go around it, the thing can catch up to you eventually. It's always that the ultimate goal as a human is to evolve, and when you evolve, evolution isn't always just evolving into the easiest stuff. Most of the important evolution, and the meaningful evolution, is evolving through the stuff that you didn't think you could, and that's why, in my mind, the only way around it is through it. I just want to connect what I open this with. I had a moment where I was I was on a podcast and I was like I probably seem like a terrible guest right now and I don't know if anybody listening is gonna get any value, because a lot of the questions they were asking me I would say action is the cure all. I Don't have a cheat code to build confidence, because I don't think there is one.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, even if we. So. We've talked a lot about the five second rule. You count down from five, mel Robbins. Five second we count down from five. Before you do something and you just go do it, you still have to go do it.

Speaker 1:

So yeah that's a little hack that might help you, but you still got to do the thing that you're scared to do in the first place. If somebody how does somebody build self-worth? Usually by setting boundaries and having difficult conversations and sticking up for yourself. I would say Reflecting and exploring your past and where self-worth came into it. That's big. That's so much of it is based on action. This is why reading the book isn't enough. It's really good to read, it's really good to listen to podcasts, it's really good to get coaches, but if you don't take action after, you can't work your way around Most of your problems, because then the problem still exists. It's just waiting For a day to come get you. But if you work through the problem, you know how to work through the problem in the future. And it really.

Speaker 1:

I remember you and I in the beginning of the journey. We were struggling financially and at that point we had interviewed many, many, many successful people and I remember saying I think we should hit this person up for a loan. They'd give us a loan. What if we just message them and said, hey, can we just get a hundred thousand dollars alone and we'll pay you back over the next however many years and I remember you said, kev, if we get a loan from this person, it's not gonna solve the problem because we're not gonna learn how to make money. You, kev, you're not gonna learn how to make money and it's not gonna solve the problem. It might make it feel like it solves the problem, but that solution is gonna create other problems in the future. And Now we have a successful business and we are competent in what we do. That probably wouldn't have been the issue if we, if we, ran around that problem.

Speaker 1:

So shout out to you for knowing that in advance. That's really what I want this episode to be about. I want it to be empowering, because the last thing I want you to do is walk around Something you're dealing with and say, ah, nice, f and chair did it again, nice, I don't ever have to worry about that again five years from today. You might, and if you're in a different place in life, it might be too much, it might be Extremely disheartening. I just don't want it to to rear its ugly head again. I'm gonna throw this chair out the window. I'll be right back.

Speaker 2:

Thank you all, all the listeners, for sticking with us in this one. But there's this motivational quote that I want to try to make more than a motivational quote, but this philosophy that Kevin's bringing up of the only way you can't go around it, you have to go through it. You don't achieve your goals, you grow into them. There's another quote where it's you don't solve your problems, you outgrow them. There's this. I'll tell this story briefly.

Speaker 2:

I was coaching early on with someone in relationship talks, coaching Emilia, and I started that about three years ago and we started coaching couples and I remember I was coaching this individual young man and he said I found a text from another guy in my girlfriend's phone and he was like what would you do? Like, what would you do if Emilia, if that happened with Emilia? And I had this really cool moment of Emilia doesn't even have time to text me, she's not going to text some guy. And I had this really cool moment of. That is beyond Emilia's personal development set point. She's outgrown that, she's not going to. It's almost like. So the other day she was looking at finding a photo for books for babes in my phone and she was like do you mind if I go in your phone I said, sweetheart, you never again, ever have to ask me that question. Like you're good, you're never going to see me texting some girl or DMing some girl. It's not because I'm so great, I'm just. I can't even keep up with my own team's texts. You know, I'm beyond that. I said I'm all in this is. I've outgrown whatever that is. There were times in the past when I was in high school and college where I would text girls and blah, blah, blah. I don't want to do that anymore. I'm beyond that. You know the deal. You're married. You just outgrow these things. So all the challenges that I used to have about dating and blah, blah, blah. I love being in a relationship because you're outgrowing all the drama and all the nonsense that comes from not being in a committed, wonderful, magnificent relationship. And obviously there's pros and cons to that, because sometimes it can be less, I guess, exciting at times. But I don't even know if that's true. So here's my point. That guy texted me. What would you do if, if Emilia if you, you know caught her texting some guy and I had this moment with myself of brother? I can't help you with that. Emilia would never she's. She's just beyond that. She's not going to text some dude.

Speaker 2:

And my point was her personal development set point is higher than that activity. It's higher than that behavior. But why? Why? Because she goes through stuff she doesn't. She doesn't avoid difficult conversations. She doesn't avoid therapy. She doesn't avoid getting coaches. She doesn't avoid difficult challenges that happen in her life.

Speaker 2:

She doesn't get handouts. Emilia doesn't get handouts. I've witnessed it. She like purposely refuses handouts. We'll be on walks and she'll actually take the longer route. She cannot take the shorter route, we joke.

Speaker 2:

She takes the harder road with everything, almost to a detriment at times. But that's why she grows so much and that's why she has such abundance at 29 years old. She has so much to be grateful for and she's succeeded at pretty much everything she's ever tried. But it's not through anything other than challenge, pain, failure, sadness. It's really, if you knew Emilia behind the scenes, if you saw from the outside in, you'd see super successful, super beautiful, magnificent relationship, magnificent home, beautiful pets, wonderful car, businesses, great, all awesome. But from the inside out her day to day is really really, really challenging.

Speaker 2:

I remember one day last story it was 7.30 at night, maybe 8 o'clock at night, and I said sweetheart, have you done a single thing today? Have you that was enjoyable? And she said not once, not yet Now. That's not to say that she doesn't enjoy her day to day. Let me rephrase she spent the whole day doing challenging things that are uncomfortable. And when you do that day after day after day after day, you just become so impervious to little things that bother other people.

Speaker 2:

You ever talk to someone who's I mean, we've all been here in high school. It's like you get broken up with and the person's devastated, and you're sitting there thinking, well, I've been broken up with like seven or eight times. It's not a big deal, you're gonna be fine, but you're a young. For the high schooler, that's their whole world, whereas that's just water off rock for someone like Emilia or me or whatever, because we've been through so much. Obviously, if we broke up, it wouldn't be the same. But growing requires challenge, challenge requires discomfort, and if you just go through it instead of try to avoid it, you're so much better off. And I think we all know this deep down. But we still kind of hate it and I think that that's a duality that we all have to live in.

Speaker 1:

Understandable. It does suck. It definitely is not. It's one of the least enjoyable parts of the process, but the lessons that come with it. I think of it almost like if you're a magnet and I don't know will this work, who knows. But if you're a magnet and you're going through it, you're going to attract a bunch of stuff. Not all of it's gonna be great, but as you continue going through it, some of that stuff's gonna fall off and the stuff that's supposed to stick will stick, and then, when you get through it, you'll have all those lessons and you won't necessarily have those problems that you once did.

Speaker 2:

Go ahead. Let me ask you, kev I do this often, but I think it's important you used to be someone, in my opinion, who would avoid Definitely Things you were afraid of. I remember for a long time you would avoid constantly. You'd be avoiding all things that are uncomfortable. Can you talk to us about what that life was like versus this one, because now you're basically doing uncomfortable stuff all the time, but at least you're empowered and confident. Versus before, you were kind of maybe portraying more confidence than you really had.

Speaker 1:

I would say back then it felt a lot safer In the short run. It's very hard to understand the detriment because it feels safer and you feel like you're in more control. You really don't get the negativity until later. That's the hard part about it. I had a coaching call today that I did not want to do. I did not want to do this coaching call because I thought the person was upset with me and they weren't. It was amazing. It was a great call. I didn't want to do it Now. It went way better than I expected. I proved to myself that I was brave for doing it.

Speaker 1:

It's almost like I put money into the bank of my own self-trust, rather than taking money out of the bank to go around it and say all right, let me just come up with five excuses of why I'm not going to do this call today. You're breaking your trust with yourself when you do stuff like that, but you just don't know it, because eventually you find out. But yeah, that's what I would say. Back then it seemed easier. It seemed better to make excuses. It seemed better to be. I'm still stubborn, but stubborn in different ways. It seemed better to be stubborn, but you don't really realize the downside of that until you do, and then it's not too late. But it hits you all at once and now it's almost like you don't feel like you're making any progress because you're fighting so hard to get through the quicksand, but every day you make way more progress than you ever could imagine. It's just that it's that duality of when you go around it. It almost seems like you're taking the shortcut and you're getting somewhere, but your problems stay with you. Yeah, when you go through it, it sucks and it's a struggle and you feel like you're losing and you feel like You're not gonna get there and you question yourself but you're also shaking off so much of the stuff that Can't really exist where you're going anyway. It's almost, it's almost a natural progression of you kind of have to do that in order to get rid of the stuff that Doesn't serve you. So yeah, I don't know if that explains it. It's a really hard thing to To explain.

Speaker 1:

I would say I was. I was blissfully ignorant. I was, I just didn't know. Like that was the way I lived and it just seemed easier. I had a you and I were talking. We walked out of the studio one day and we were talking about something and I said Drink in and getting hammered and smoking weed and watching porn is awesome. That's all awesome. That's why it's so hard to stop doing. It's all awesome, it's amazing. But let me admit that first. That's why it's so hard to do.

Speaker 2:

I know that's, but it's not good for you long term. It's so detrimental. Yeah, yeah, short term it's awesome. It's so detrimental and that's.

Speaker 1:

I'm you, do you out there? I again. I got a bunch of whiskey for Christmas from my in-laws so I have a nice little bar of whiskey. I'm all for having a whiskey I got. I occasionally partake in marijuana. No porn for me but who am I to tell you how to live your life? I think you'd be probably better off without any of those things, but I can't. I'd be a hypocrite, considering I do a couple of I appreciate the disclaimer.

Speaker 2:

I I do not recommend any of those things and I can say that I don't do any of those things anymore, although I did partake in my past. So and I'll share that too is when I used to drink. Often I would always it would be. It would be exactly that self-trust hit, self-worth hit, but for fun immediate pleasure, immediate fun, immediate numbing, immediate avoiding of my problems, immediate social acceptance and belonging. And that for for long-term self-worth and self-belief hits. And that's what you, that's what you're doing, and so we all know this what, what is good for you in the short term is rarely good for you long term, and what's good for you long term usually sucks, and and that's.

Speaker 2:

I think it's empowering to just own that rather than try to go around that. I I said this recently I'm teaching, I'm coaching, coaching with a Jerry and Amy and Lizzie, so share it to them. But I said, when you're coaching someone, you have to know who they are. When no one's watching, you need to think to yourself like can this person and this is the analogy can this person stay on the stairmaster alone in the dark? That's my question. I know it's weird, can this person so Kev? I'm gonna speak about Kevin. Kevin can sit on a stairmaster alone in the dark and sweat for hours Without anyone ever knowing he's doing it. That's real self-discipline. And I know some blowhards that think they are amazing and they act amazing, but they couldn't get on the stairmaster to save their life.

Speaker 2:

And that, to me, it's important to understand, because a lot of people and I've been there've been a time in my life I'll omit, I'm guilty of this there was a time in my life when I wasn't exercising, I wasn't being my best self, I wasn't reading or self-disciplined, I was drinking too much and too often I was doing the bare minimum at my job, but yet I appeared so happy and confident. And now I'm really, really, really on point in comparison to back then and I'm exercising every day for almost I Don't know, I'll coming up on two years and I'm not nearly as outwardly bolsterous or maybe as confident. As a matter of fact, maybe I don't even. Some people might not even think I'm that confident, I don't know, but it's definitely not as much as it used to be. I used to be pretending a lot. I had a time in my life where I was pretending to be confident when I was really deeply insecure and I don't do that anymore.

Speaker 2:

But I think that that's kind of the game we're all playing, and going through hard things and eating humble pie is the only real way. The Stairmaster, that's the way you build real self-worth. I did a workout last night. That was so bad. It was so bad, I mean honestly I was dripping sweat. It was so painful, but afterwards I just became more. I feel good about me, how you feel about yourself when you're by yourself. That's only earned through tough stuff that you go through. I think that adversity, plus handling it with grace, is where we build real self-trust and real self-worth and real self-belief.

Speaker 1:

Next up the nation If you want people to go through it with you. Our 13th round of group coaching starts on January 2nd at 6 pm Eastern Standard Time. I was actually having a conversation with one of our amazing NLU family members. Shout out to Heather I was talking to today via DM. She might be joining Again. Growth is challenging. It can be lonely With group coaching. You have a community built in. Alan myself, amy are leading the charge, but it's you and nine other people who are into growth want to be the most aligned versions of themselves. I think it'd be a really good fit for you. Why not start the year off as strong as humanly possible? Let's make 2024 the best year we can With the promo code NLUListener. All lowercase, all uppercase either way. One word it ends up being $96 a month, very affordable for what it is. It is super valuable and super affordable. We would love to have.

Speaker 2:

I coach a couple where the female in the relationship is having trouble with fitness, I said here's what we're going to do. I'm going to charge you double for this session. The male in the relationship is paying for this. Relationship talks coaching. You don't keep the promises to yourself over the next two weeks it's bi-weekly Then your partner is going to lose that money. She's been consistent every single time.

Speaker 2:

That's accountability. Now in group coaching, we're not going to take your money, nothing like that. But when you invest in yourself and you're around a team of like-minded people, it creates accountability that you can't get by yourself. If you remember a Fitbit challenge that you've done in the past, or an Apple Watch challenge or whatever, and you've seen someone walking around their living room, you'll do more on a team than you will alone. At NLU the NLU team we do more for each other and the accountability of the team. No one wants to let the team down. That's a huge advantage. That's what we're trying to do in group coaching as well. I hope that you join us. Start the year off. Right Link is in the show now.

Speaker 1:

My chair just did it again. I almost went ass over T-Kettle that time. I almost lost it completely. I think my chair is now broken.

Speaker 2:

I would have had to do the outro. There we go.

Speaker 1:

Tomorrow for episode number 1,569,. One reason you're not motivated, this is coming from personal experience, so I will tell you a story about me. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you At NLU. We do not have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow.

Speaker 2:

Don't just go through it, grow through it. See you next time.

People on this episode

Head Shot

Alan Lazaros

Host
Head Shot

Kevin Palmieri

Host