Next Level University
Confidence, mindset, relationships, limiting beliefs, family, goals, consistency, self-worth, and success are at the core of hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros' heart-driven, no-nonsense approach to holistic self-improvement. This transformative, 7 day per week podcast is focused on helping dream chasers who have been struggling to achieve their goals and are seeking community, consistency and answers. If you've ever asked yourself "How do I get to the next level in my life", we're here for you!
Our goal at NLU is to help you uncover the habits to build unshakable confidence, cultivate a powerful mindset, nurture meaningful relationships, overcome limiting beliefs, create an amazing family life, set and achieve transformative goals, embrace consistency, recognize your self-worth, and ultimately create the fulfillment and success you desire. Let's level up your health, wealth and love!
Next Level University
#1583 - Is The Thing You're Running From The Thing You NEED The Most?
Have you ever faced a moment in your life when someone's mere presence seemed to push all your buttons, yet somehow, you emerged stronger from the experience? In today’s episode, hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros talked about the labyrinth of life, where each twist and turn can reflect our inner selves; relationships often act as the most honest of mirrors. We find the keys to our evolution within the dynamic interplay of connections. This intricate dance between individuals can challenge us, trigger us, and ultimately catalyze a transformation that resonates at the core of our being.
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Show notes:
(1:47) Work through it and learn more about it
(4:48) Character or competencies and dealing with insecurities in a constructive way
(10:30) Villainize or reflect
(14:14) Alex highlights how Next Level Business Solutions helped him optimize his time for maximum productivity.
(15:29) The power of humble pie
(17:22) Insecurity makes you triggered
(21:27) Figure out what to do with your triggers
(29:26) Outro
Next level nation. Welcome back to another episode of next level university, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and you're well. We hope you enjoyed yesterday's episode, episode number 1582. One of the most important things to know about yourself we talked about the trauma responses today for episode number 1583 is the thing you're running from, the thing you need the most.
Speaker 1:We had a very real moment on our first call for group 13 of group coaching, where I said I just want to put this out there there may be things that Alan says, there may be things that I say that might trigger you a little bit, and my hope is that we can sit with that trigger and, rather than maybe villainizing myself or Alan or maybe somebody else on the team that maybe Is more confident or says something that maybe triggers you, my goal is that we can sit with that and work through it, because there are things that Alan says that triggers me still to this day, even working together six years or however long it's been 2018, so yeah, six years. In the beginning, I didn't necessarily have the awareness to say is this a me thing or or is this an Alan thing? Is Alan really being arrogant or is Alan being this way or am I just having some sort of trigger? So the preface for group coaching was Sometimes the thing that we're running from. If Alan triggers you, if I trigger you, that might actually be the thing that you need the most, and I think Alan and I are a really good example of that.
Speaker 1:We are very, very rare in terms of Somebody who has a very high level of education and somebody has no secondary education, somebody who is very much in corporate America and somebody who was very much working with his hands for most of his life. We're very different. I was very, very emotionally driven. Alan was extremely logically driven. We're kind of the opposite on any, on everything. If we didn't have the goals that we do and we didn't have the Desire to impact as many people as we did, we probably wouldn't have worked together for as long as we have. And the mutual Self-worth issues.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure that.
Speaker 2:Common wound. We had a common wound.
Speaker 1:Yeah, if we didn't have that, would we have been willing to put up with each other's crap for lack of Better phrasing and would we have run away from each other? I think everybody that was like me needs an Alan in their corner. Not because Alan's amazing or I'm amazing. I think Alan is amazing, but that's not why, normally, you'd probably run away from that.
Speaker 1:Oftentimes we run away from the thing that triggers us, even though the thing that triggers us is exactly what we need. And maybe it's triggering you because there's a piece of you that thinks I could never be that or I really need that, or there's a mirror that you find in yourself, that you find in yourself, that you find in yourself, that you find in yourself that you're not ready for. So that's kind of my jam for for today's episode is the thing you're running from, the thing you need the most. If it wasn't for the podcast and it wasn't for the goals and it wasn't for all this stuff, I probably would have ran from Alan, when in reality, that was one of the things I needed the most and it's been one of the things. This partnership we have is been one of the things that has helped me grow the most over the last Half a decade. I could say that now decades, 10 years, right, mm-hmm, have a decade, half a decade. I.
Speaker 2:Was on book club and I said this and a lot of people laughed. But I also think they were laughing because it's true, but also because it was funny the way I said it. I said it's supposed to be yin and yang, but your yang might not be yanging. And what I mean by that is I was talking to book club and it was primarily women in the room. It was, I think, 13 of us and I think it was just me and Brandon that were male. But I Said that. I said that it's supposed to be yin and yang.
Speaker 2:You're not supposed to be the exact same. It's it's you're supposed to have similar core aspirations, similar goals, similar core values and then Often, similar core beliefs as well. But you're supposed to have different core competencies. You're supposed to have different skill sets. You're supposed to and and.
Speaker 2:At NLU it's a perfect example that the NLU team you know we all have the same core values growth, impact and humility, especially that third one. But we don't all have the same skill sets. Some of us are good with tech, some of us aren't. Some of us are good at speaking, some of us aren't. Some of us are introverted, some of us are extroverted. So it's just how do you get around people of different core competencies? But I think that and another way to frame this is character and competency. I used to think I was asked about this on a leadership podcast recently how do you know who to have on your team? And I said honestly, I think most companies make a mistake. I think they hire on competence instead of character. For us, we focus on character and we can train the competency, we can workshop the competency, we can work with the competency. We're not going to look at your resume, we're going to look at who you are as a person behind the scenes, when no one's watching. I think that's what really matters, at least long term. So, but to bring this back to the original episode, when you're around people who are competent in areas you are not, if someone is super competent in an area that you're insecure, they're going to trigger you, and that doesn't mean they're arrogant. It might just mean you're insecure and it might mean they're arrogant as well. Put it this way If someone is level 10 competent and confident in speaking and you jump on the microphone with them and you're insecure about your ability to speak, you will be triggered. You will be triggered.
Speaker 2:I was on an interview recently. I told Kev about this behind the scenes and this was a woman who's maybe a hundred or so episodes in and she was kind of disassociating a little bit on the interview and I, the old me, would have been like wait, is this not landing? Am I being arrogant? Does she think I'm not doing a good job? Is she not grateful that I'm here? Am I not communicating well to her listeners? Like, what am I missing, when in reality I just had that honest moment myself of, oh, you've, and again, that's okay.
Speaker 2:Even this might sound arrogant. You've never interviewed someone who has 1600 episodes under their belt, who also has been on 150. I think it's actually like 300 other shows. So I have what I've done this 1900 times and you've only done it a hundred times. And if you're even remotely insecure, of course I'm going to trigger you. And I just realized, oh, I'm triggering you not because I'm bad, not because I'm doing a poor job, but because I'm actually doing a great job and that has been a game changer for me, because my deepest insecurity is making other people insecure and I've really worked on that a lot, which is good, and I think some of our listeners have that too, making other people insecure. You don't want anyone to feel bad. I don't either. I don't want anyone to feel bad, but sometimes people are going to feel bad about themselves around you, especially if you're crushing it in something. And then sometimes you're going to feel bad about around other people, other people that are in way better shape or more effective communicators, or better leaders or better looking, whatever it is. Of course you're going to be triggered. It's just what do you do with that? Do you villainize them and run away Again? This goes to the trauma responses of the last episode or do you say, okay, what can I learn from this? How can I use this to get better?
Speaker 2:In my relationship with Emilia, whenever I'm insecure, I just usually own it. I say I'm just insecure and I'm fearful and uncertain about XYZ, and then usually, when you share that, things always get better, at least with her. And then there have been other times where she's been insecure, particularly when it comes to hosting an event together. Kevin and I hosted many events long before she did, and we have way more episodes and way more. You know, I've been in this industry a lot longer than her, and so she gets insecure, sometimes on the microphone, and as long as she's honest with herself and me about that, that's okay. We don't have to be the exact same competence, right? And then, when it comes to the content, she knows this stuff way better than I do. The stuff we're doing in relationship talks, coaching she's been studying since she was 11. So I'm she's connecting dots. I could not connect for sure, and then I'm insecure, but it's how you deal with that and, honestly, if you deal with it in a constructive way, it ends up being a really good thing.
Speaker 1:I think you either villainize or you visualize. You either villainize the person or you visualize yourself, maybe in a position similar to where they are. You and I have played hockey before. Ice hockey couple times back in the day been a minute. Yes, I'm decent. I'm decent at ice hockey. I'm not great, but if you put me with a bunch of other people who just play pond hockey, I'm probably closer to the top. I would say I can skate pretty well, I can skate backwards, I can shoot pretty well. All that stuff I used to. I used to play pick up hockey at this rink that was like 15 minutes from where I used to live back in the day. This is when I was doing it.
Speaker 1:The puddle. No, no, no. This was like at an actual rink. You had to have helmet pads, there was goalies. It was awesome. It was one of my favorite things ever and I got all the equipment and I was like this is gonna be great.
Speaker 1:And one of the times I went there was a young man there, a gentleman there, who played for the junior Bruins. So we live in Massachusetts, I live in New Hampshire, but I lived in Massachusetts. The professional hockey team is the Bruins. They have many smaller organizations that you play in to eventually get to the quote unquote the big show. He was in one of these smaller organizations and I remember watching him do what he did and it was like you are a different human, you are a different breed than I am, and nobody could do anything.
Speaker 1:Super kind and super humble, like just it was a really nice guy. I never villainized him, but I always imagined what it would be like to be him. I didn't wanna villainize cause it's good for you. Man, I suck. You're really good. I don't wanna beat you up over that, or I don't wanna villainize you for that. I couldn't beat you up. You could definitely do whatever you wanted, especially on skates.
Speaker 1:That's not gonna be constructed. That's not gonna help me. And what am I really doing if I do that? I'm just saving myself from some level of feedback and some level of ownership. And the truth is I'm saving myself from growth, and I've had many of those situations in my life, whether it's that or martial arts. We interviewed a gentleman named Julian Nguyen back in the day, and Julian Nguyen is a Muay Thai fighter who is a multiple time world champion, and he was holding mitts for me and there's that moment where it's like you, he probably is laughing internally at how bad I am compared to him, and if I watched him and got triggered, that's more a me thing than it is a him thing. He's been practicing this his whole life. I don't wanna take that away from him because I get insecure in a moment.
Speaker 2:So but right before that we were podcasting and he was not a strong speaker that was our ring, and that's okay. That was our ring, that was our ring.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it doesn't matter that to your point, you either villainize or you visualize. We don't have to use that. I just was trying to stack two Vs you either villainize or you reflect. If you reflect on, what can I learn from Versus? Oh, wow, the way that person said that was super arrogant, or they made it look so easy and it was like a joke to them. Maybe it is a joke to them, I don't know. Maybe they're that good where it's not that much of a challenge, it doesn't mean they need to be villainized.
Speaker 1:Now, do people need to be villainized some places? Sure, of course. Right, that's up to you, that's up to your own discretion, that's up to your own judgment. But if we can make this a productive, growth-minded activity, when I get triggered, what is there to learn? We have a client who she used to have a podcast called Triggered. Can we Play With that? It was all about the triggers that you have and what's triggered you in the past and how do you work around that and learn more about it. So that's very similar to what we're talking about here.
Speaker 2:Yeah, if you've ever lifted weights with someone who's way ahead of you, or I'll never forget this humbling moment. I did a triathlon and I was at the tail end of this triathlon and, granted, I didn't get good sleep the night before and I was not training for a triathlon, I was a weight training men's physique competitor and I just did a triathlon kind of on a whim and did not train whatsoever for it and I did a pretty good job all things considered. But I'll never forget this there was someone half my size and it was a young woman and she didn't have like a huge, amazing physique, like she wasn't muscular or nothing like that, and she, just she passed me and it was a very humbling moment for me because she's half my size, she's got half my leg length, she did not seem like she was tired at all and I'm huffin' and puffin', struggle bus. And I remember having a moment and I was like, okay, she trains for this, she trains for this and I don't, and that's okay. But I'm telling you what, if you had gone to the starting line and you had seen me six foot two, probably 185 pounds at that point, very, very lean, in great physical shape, and then you saw her, you probably would have bet on me, but the truth of the matter is I did not train for triathlons and she smoked me. She passed me at the very end and I could not catch her. I tried, I genuinely tried, and I think that at the end of the day, it's just humble pie and it's useful. I really believe that humble pie can be useful. I understand that for someone who already feels terrible about themselves it's not useful, but it keeps you. It's plus minus equal to, plus minus equal to. If you only ever are a big fish in a small pond I've said it before you're gonna get a big head, whether you mean to or not. If you're only ever a small fish in a big ocean, you're always gonna think you suck when you don't. I talked to Kevin about this earlier.
Speaker 2:Apples to apples. I shouldn't be comparing to someone who trains for triathlons. I should be comparing to someone who doesn't do triathlons and who does a triathlon on a whim. And this is the philosophical question. When I finished the triathlon, I did pretty good. I don't remember my exact time, but I was on the higher percentile. And should I compare to triathletes? If I compare to triathletes, I sucked. I was terrible. If I compare to people who don't ever work out and are 15 years old, I would crush them. It was so good, right. And so apples to apples comparisons are really important.
Speaker 2:The problem with comparison is that it's unconscious. You're just comparing to Instagram. Unconsciously you're comparing to your neighbors. Unconsciously you're comparing to, well, your friends from high school who might have inherited money and got that big house. Your comparison set is usually not very accurate. I was talking to Kevin about this earlier.
Speaker 2:We have one person on the team who has four children and I always say, like apples to apples, compare to other mothers of four children Brendan Burchard. We're reading a book by Brendan Burchard in Book Club which I was gonna talk about later. But high performance habits, he's a high performer and he's crushing it, but don't forget, him and his wife don't have any children, at least to my awareness. I don't. I mean maybe they have, since I last saw Brendan. But the point is is one of my old mentors is really close with Brendan and said don't forget he doesn't have kids, right? And so when you have children, you gotta compare apples to apples. And so back to the original point here insecurity, I think, makes you triggered and every human being, whether they admit it or not, is insecure.
Speaker 2:You can either ego up and villainize, or you can look objectively at yourself and see what you can improve. And if there's nothing you can do about it, there's nothing you can do about it. You know, some people are naturally better looking than others. Some people have natural gifts in their physique that other people don't have. Some people have natural gifts of speaking and extroverted.
Speaker 2:I mean, I have a client literally never practiced speaking. She is so much better than most of the people that I know and she never even tries. And I told her. I said you should start a podcast, you would crush. And I said, trust me, I don't say that to everyone.
Speaker 2:She did a testimonial once. I was like I'm like how many takes did that take you? She's like one. Are you kidding me? Why aren't you a speaker? Ma'am Right, and she's gonna crush as a speaker. She gave a six minute speech at like a real estate conference once and I'm like how'd it go? She's like, oh, I crushed it, standing ovation. I'm like, of course, right, awesome, you just are awesome at this. Go fly, ma'am dear, whoever, just go fly.
Speaker 2:But there's other people I've had to coach where it's like listen, I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be mean, I'm trying to help you. This is not your gift. You are not a strong speaker and I'm not trying to be unkind, I'm actually trying to help. This is a self-awareness game, trust me, trust me. Kevin and I were not that good of speaking, but we were natural communicators and I joke, I say I think I'm a good communicator as an engineer okay, as an engineer.
Speaker 2:But the point is this if anything I just said triggered you, what does that say about me? Am I arrogant and inaccurate and trying to hurt you, or am I uncovering something in you that maybe has been covered over by distortion or delusion, or pain or trauma, or feelings of inadequacy or defectiveness or whatever? The core beliefs? Last thing, I'll share the core, core, core beliefs. The only reason I know this is because of you, amelia, not me.
Speaker 2:We're doing an event next week, this week, this week, on insecurities in your intimate relationship, and there's core beliefs in psychology that you can study. The three main ones are unlovable, unworthy and defective, and all of us, all of us, have a combination of those or one main one. For me, I think excuse me, the main one is unlovable, and most of everything you see that I am is actually a desire to be lovable. And this is. You can study this in psychology. I can't give this justice right now, obviously, but like most of what we do and don't do, is an overcorrection from feeling unworthy, unlovable or defective and even right there, those words, one of them's gonna trigger you.
Speaker 2:Are you unlovable, are you unworthy or are you defective? And whichever one triggered you is the one that your unconscious mind is clinging to, and unfortunately, we all trigger each other whenever someone has a different wound.
Speaker 1:And usually that is I don't wanna say usually Oftentimes that would be the most beneficial thing for you to surround yourself with If you can get through the initial trigger. That's one of the reasons usually relationships like Alan and mine don't work is because people just don't stick it out long enough to see the benefit. Which one do you think is yours?
Speaker 2:I think, it's unlovable.
Speaker 1:That's why I was giggling. If anybody heard me giggling I wasn't giggling to lessen it Probably defective I would have to say so okay.
Speaker 2:so this is good for the listeners. I don't have that one. I feel very capable, very competent, almost to a. I mean, I have an ego check on my PPPT because I just I tend to be overly confident I'm not defective. I don't feel that at all. That's why I trigger Kev.
Speaker 1:Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 2:Whereas Kev is an easily likable guy. Everybody loves Kev. I'm I'm unlovable. I'm not easily likable. Everyone knows that.
Speaker 2:If you're listening to this show, how hard is it to like me I'm not even trying to make this up Like, let's have a real moment how hard is it to actually like Alan Lazarus? I get emotional even thinking about it. A lot of things come really easy to me. I'm not defective. I feel very capable, but it's very hard for people to like me.
Speaker 2:You know, kevin felt defective but he was always the funny, easily likable, relatable guy and so we just have different core wounds and we trigger the hell out of each other and fortunately we're emotionally mature enough to not hurt one another because we both didn't have fathers, grew up with women and, you know, had a common wound and we found a way to co-create something magnificent together and we were each other's mirrors on this journey and hopefully you have some mirrors in your life too that maybe you don't like it, and I think that's a good thing. I think that's a good thing. I do that. Maybe you don't like it and some people are just toxic. So if anyone's toxic, just sail away. That's not what I'm saying. Don't stay around toxic people for the growth. That was a mistake I made. But if someone's not toxic, they're just being who they really are and it's triggering you.
Speaker 1:Maybe there's something you can learn. There's definitely something you can learn, whether or not you want to stick around long enough, or you're capable of sticking around long enough, because, again, there were times where I probably couldn't look in the mirror all the way. So maybe it's not time for that yet, but take what lesson you can. That would be my next level. Nugget is there is some lesson in it. It might not be a life changing lesson. It might be a giant lesson. It might be something that you don't really understand until years later. Take whatever size lesson you can handle.
Speaker 1:Not everybody's going to be able to handle the full lesson Right off the bat, but oftentimes we run away from the things that would create and present the most powerful lessons from us. And here's the thing You're unfortunately. This is how it's weird. Like this, unfortunately, you're the one who's missing out, because the thing that triggered you probably has no idea triggered you and it's going to go about its life and do what it does. But the growth is there for you. Now, maybe there's growth on the other side, for them as well, but the growth is for you.
Speaker 1:So nobody wins if you just run away and don't take any lessons, and so you know, I think that's the question. I think that's the question. I think that's the question. You don't take any lessons. Now again to Alan's point. I'm not saying stick around. Well, in my case, in my example at least, I'm saying a positive trigger. This is a person who means well, is not intentionally trying to do any of this, but don't think you have to absorb or digest the whole lesson. That would be my part two, next level nugget Take what you can, digest what you can, but you don't have to do it all at once, because that's a good way to harm yourself in some way, shape or form.
Speaker 2:The next level nugget I would have would be ask yourself your highest self, your intuition, your highest self Is this person good for me or bad for me? And if your answer is they're bad for you, they're probably toxic and they're probably not a positive influence. But if you have trouble with them but your highest self says they're good for you, then stick with it. See what comes of it. I just got the chills. I don't know if that's because I'm colder, because this episode touched me, Maybe both A little bit of both.
Speaker 1:Yeah, a little bit of both. I have the shivers and a lot of things because my butt is so itchy right now because of my shingles. It's on my upper. My upper ass, neck is the body, the part of the body we call the body. I used to work with a guy who used to say that, yeah, so my butt is itchy.
Speaker 2:Your upper ass neck.
Speaker 1:Upper ass. Neck, yeah, the neck of your ass. Sure, if you think about it Like your tailbone.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Got it. I'm a left cheek. I don't like it, this chair does not help either.
Speaker 2:A lot of nerves down there man.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah, I foam roll.
Speaker 2:I foam roll that area.
Speaker 1:When's the last time you foam rolled?
Speaker 2:This morning Been doing it, man. Yeah, yeah, I'm trying to keep the small promises to myself. This year I've written and foam rolled, or I've written and done mobility every day for 2024. So far, so far.
Speaker 1:No promises. Hey, that's still your two weeks in. That's a. You got to shrink it down. Thank you, man, you're very welcome, I've been very, very humbling.
Speaker 2:I've had to do it late at night at times, but Emilia has been very supportive. If I have that conversation, look, look, it's like eight o'clock at night. I'm going to need to siphon a half hour out of our quality time?
Speaker 1:Yeah, usually it's something different for me, because I do my physical stuff in the morning, but it's usually like I got to do something, I got an email to send, or whatever it is. But yes, that's for sure I need to siphon some time. All right, speaking of siphoning time, let's stop siphoning so much time from you, whether you're watching or listening. If you are looking for a community, a group of like-minded humans who want to grow, evolve, get to their unique next level, please join our private Facebook group, Next Level Nation. As always, the link will be in the show notes below. Whether you are watching or listening, it will be there.
Speaker 2:Show it out to our listener, Julia from Germany. She joined us on Book Club on Saturday. It was a heavy one, it was a good one. Thank you for joining us. High performance habits, Brenda Bouchard. Every Saturday, 12, 30 pm, Eastern Standard Time, we also have the new poll up. The new poll is up in Next Level Nation for the next book. This is the last. So this Saturday will be the last of high performance habits and then we will be picking another book.
Speaker 1:I got to vote. I got to figure out which one's close to winning and then vote for a different one.
Speaker 2:It's my usual strategy. I know which one you're gonna pick, I think.
Speaker 1:I will tell the courage to be disliked. Yes, I'm winning, so I think I have to vote for something else.
Speaker 2:We'll see how come the Rebel in you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, there's just a piece of me that says, maybe be different, I'll be a different one. Yeah, throw a little something off, you know, even though you're never gonna come to Book Club. I've never been invited. How many sessions have you had?
Speaker 2:One almost 150. I'm 150 in zero for not coming For Kev, I haven't lost, yet I've missed every single one.
Speaker 1:Did you say something? You froze.
Speaker 2:I you also froze. You're missing out. That's the truth. I've heard great things.
Speaker 1:You froze again.
Speaker 2:You too, you too, we're gonna get it together on the tech side.
Speaker 1:Tomorrow for episode number 1,584, and it's very telling to what just happened there. Nobody knows what the hell they're doing. That is what we're doing for episode number 1,584, based on two things. Based on two things something I saw on Instagram and a very short conversation slash message that I sent to somebody. So that is what we will talk about tomorrow. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you and NLU. We're not a fans. We have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow.
Speaker 2:Figure out what to do with your triggers Next time on Nation.
