Next Level University

#1587 - One Of The Biggest Things Holding Us Back From GREAT

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

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Letting go of the familiar shores of "good enough" to sail the tumultuous seas of greatness can be daunting, but it's a voyage that can redefine your life. In today’s episode, hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros talked about a path fraught with both heartache and exhilaration, as we are often compelled to leave behind the comfort and familiarity of our current circumstances in favor of the unknown potential. The discussion candidly explores this transformative process through personal anecdotes and actionable strategies to elevate listeners from mediocrity to a life of extraordinary fulfillment.

Links mentioned:
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Show notes:
(1:33) What's holding us back 
(4:47) Embracing periods of loneliness that align with one's core values
(10:36) Most courageous thing
(12:32) The struggle of settling for less
(14:12) Alex highlights how Next Level Business Solutions helped him optimize his time for maximum productivity.
(14:58) Through evolution
(17:45) Don't settle for what is comfortable
(24:59) Outro

Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

Kevin:

Next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. We hope you enjoyed our latest episode, episode number 1,586, one way to be real about your priorities Today. Episode number 1,587, one of the biggest things holding us back from great. I want you to imagine that when you start something let's say you start a relationship, you start a job, you start something you are at a certain level of self-belief and self-worth let's just say it's at a three you don't really have a ton of belief in yourself, you don't value yourself very highly because that's something that's new to you. You're working on setting boundaries, you're working on keeping small promises to yourself. You're working on the things that are going to bring the self-belief and the self-worth. At that time, your job is good enough and your relationship with your family is good enough and your relationship with your partner is good enough. One of the scariest things in the world is, as your self-belief and your self-worth raise, you start to realize that you don't want good enough, you want great. That is one of the hardest, hardest, hardest things in the world and that is what I wanted to do. This episode on One of the biggest things holding us back from great is good enough. It's yeah, this relationship checks some of the boxes. Or this job checks some of the boxes, or whatever it is. This friendship checks some of the boxes. The downside of this the upside is you get to have great things and that obviously great things have challenges too. Right, it's not just oh, everything's great, it's going to be great forever. The downside of this is it's really hard to move away from good enough.

Kevin:

I'm convinced I have great relationships in my life. Alan Taryn, the very small group of people I have around me are great, but it was very painful for me to let go of good enough. It was so challenging. I was villainized by some people If you heard that you might be villainizing me right now, and I understand and I empathize with that. But that was one of the most challenging things realizing I don't really.

Kevin:

I don't want a friendship that just good enough. I don't really want that. That's just holding space. I don't want a marriage that just good enough. I don't want anything that's just good enough. I don't want a body that's just good enough. At one point I did, though At one point when I was really struggling.

Kevin:

I remember. I remember when I was 18, 19, I was so lonely. I was so, so lonely. I remember I found a relationship and I was like, yeah, that's good enough. But eventually it wasn't good enough anymore because I wanted great. That's what I want to talk about in today's episode. It's scary. It requires courage. This is one of those episodes where I would say, if you get triggered when we talk about great I know Alan talks about his relationship with Emilia a lot I know that can trigger people why is it triggering you? Is it triggering you because there's a part of you that thinks maybe you settled, maybe you don't believe yet that you're worthy of that type of thing, maybe you don't believe that you're capable of getting that type of thing yet. Just sit with, whatever the trigger is, because there's a lot of opportunity for growth there.

Alan:

Yeah, I had a relationship that was good enough for a while there and eventually it wasn't enough. It was so hard because leaving something that is comfortable and known for, something that you're not sure even exists or maybe you're not sure you're capable of attracting or getting In my case, I wasn't sure it existed because I had never seen it before that's Lonely Land where I went, probably about a year in Lonely Land prior to meeting Emilia. This is something that I don't think is talked about a ton, but If I were to say I'm gonna give you self-belief, I think most people would say, yeah, that's awesome, I would love more self-belief. But what comes with self-belief is this flip side of the coin that I don't think a lot of people talk about, where there is an actual visceral dissatisfaction, that kinda comes with that. And so, for example, this again trigger warning.

Alan:

This might trigger people, I don't know, but I remember I was broke and I had already left corporate and one of my mentors offered me a lot of money for a very, very, very lucrative role in a technology company and it was hundreds of thousands of dollars a year. And I was completely broke and I said no. And there's another conversation that I had with a mentor where he had kinda sat me down and said if I gave you a million dollars, what could you turn it into in the next five, 10, 15 years? And I had this whole proposal. Kevin and I were on the deck, the porch, talking about this proposal, for this program I was gonna create and business I was gonna create. And it's kinda like a sort of shark tank situation where my mentor basically said Alan, there's no shortage of capital, there's only a shortage of great entrepreneurs.

Alan:

And while I was really grateful I was talking to Kevin having this sort of quarter life crisis situation where it's like I have a choice right now, and there's been several of those where I've had to say no to some really great opportunities, really good opportunities. I should say One of them, the Love Island one. I'll let Kev tell that one, but anyways, if you've ever seen the reality TV show Love Island, that could have been me. I'm grateful. It isn't because I chose for it not to be, but I did three different interviews so I was actually considering it. You don't do three interviews when you're not considering it.

Kevin:

That's fair.

Alan:

But anyways, if you wanna call them interviews, it really wasn't, but anyways. So I talked to Kev about this and I'm paraphrasing. I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was something along the lines of I don't want anyone else's hands in my cookie jar, I don't wanna ever be told what I can and can't do. And so to bring this all the way back to belief, to Kevin's point of giving up good for great when you have high self belief, everything becomes an option, not from some delusional place but from an actual place, and it's very hard to handle the pressure of that. Back when Kevin didn't believe he could start a great company and grow a great company like NLU, there was nothing to leave on the table, there was no opportunity cost.

Alan:

You can hang out on the weekend and you're not really leaving anything on the table because you don't really believe it's possible anyway, leaving empty beer bottles on the table, son, yeah exactly Now that Kevin believes in himself and he knows how to build great companies, it would be very hard for him to just chill, and I think there's so much opportunity cost for people who have high self-belief. So to Kevin's original point when you start to build self-belief and self-worth, not only do you believe in your abilities, but you also believe you're worthy of more. It's going to be very hard to settle for less. And that's the conundrum, right. There's got to be a downside to belief, there's got to be a downside to self-worth. And that's what it is. You can't settle. I could not settle. I couldn't settle for my last relationship. I couldn't. I tried for years to be okay with it. I'm not even kidding. There were years where I was like, no, no, this is good, it's okay. No, no, this is good. But there's always that voice in the back of your mind that's like you know this isn't it. You know you're better than this. You know you want better than this. You know there's better than this out there. I mean, honestly, the thing is and I'll share this briefly but one of my friends said is it really over? You guys are great together and I remember thinking to myself like, yeah, compared to your relationship. I'm not trying to be mean right now, but her relationship was awful. This other person I was talking to, yeah, we're great together compared to yours, but trust me, we're not. I mean, this is decent, but I know there's more. I just know there's more. So, again, if anyone got triggered by that, I apologize, but I knew it had to be better than this. This is not it for me, and so if you have that feeling, yeah, it takes tremendous courage to move on. It takes tremendous courage to take a chance and to not settle. Settling is easy. It's easier. That's why everyone does it, Not everyone. That's why most people do it, and I've been there, too, for years, literally settled for years.

Kevin:

Same, same. I think one of the most courageous things is leaning into a great, because it's kind of going back to what we talked about for episode 1585, is your regret real? You want to talk about regret when you leave something that's good enough to go to try to find something that's great and you start questioning. That really is pretty much the episode we did about regret. That's really what it is is. You're leaving what once was good enough to go find something great and you're in between and you're in that lonely land of oh my goodness, did I make a massive mistake? Oh my goodness, does this even exist? Am I going to be able to find it? I went back a few times.

Alan:

Same 100% Same. Whenever I had that feeling, I was like, oh, did I make a mistake? I tried again and I tried again. And then eventually it's like nope, got to do this. It eventually hits a tipping point.

Kevin:

I think it eventually hits a tipping point where you realize you've deluded yourself into thinking good enough is good enough, when maybe it serves some level of purpose, but not the level of purpose that you originally thought. Eventually you become wise to it. Over time you become wiser and wiser, and wiser, and you know it's a timeline before it ends. But I think that's why the regret is so heavy, because you're going from, let's say you're going from 60% and you want to get to 80%. You have a 60% relationship or a 60% job, whatever it is, 60, whatever it means to you, and you want to get to 80%. When you're in between and you're at 61%, 60% is closer than 80, up until you get to like 72, 73, then you're like well, I'm almost there, more than halfway there, it's easier to go forward than it is to go backwards, but I do.

Kevin:

I think this is one of those things that's not talked about a lot. I don't know why. Maybe it's, I don't know, maybe I'd like to talk about weird stuff, so maybe that's why. But it's not that challenging to settle Day to day. It's easy. But it's one of those things where day to day adds up to your life and then eventually you have regret Day to day of going for. Great is super, super challenging, but eventually I won't say it's the same amount of work, it's different. Tara and I have tough conversations all the time. We had a tough conversation last night. It was a very productive, vulnerable, safe conversation. After I was like super jazzed. I was like, oh, what a wonderful conversation. Would I be having that conversation if I didn't have the relationship I do? I'd be having a conversation. It might be just as scary, but there might be less growth or there might be less alignment with it.

Alan:

So I would. There definitely would be.

Kevin:

Yeah.

Alan:

I'm not trying to interrupt you, but I think that you were in what you referred to as a situation ship, and it was the definition of settling from my perspective. No offense. And obviously from your perspective as well, and I remember you feeling like you were settling and I can't keep doing this. I got to go for great and then, when you went for great, it was much scarier with Taryn, you know, there was more growth, more mirrors, more accountability, can you?

Kevin:

share that, one of the things that scared me. Now, this was through evolution, this I'll try to make sure that lands. This was through evolution. So when I say this next piece, trust me, when I was 18 years old, I wouldn't have felt this way. I wouldn't have had the understanding.

Kevin:

One of the hardest things about that situation ship is I could just show up and I didn't have to be any version of anything. Just showing up was good enough. Yeah, at the time it sounded awesome. I can just show up and I don't have to be anything special and I don't have to be amazing and I don't have to try to get a little bit better every day. And again, I was very good to this person.

Kevin:

I wasn't bad to this person, but their standards of the way they were treated just weren't super high. So I didn't have to get better and get better and understand the love languages at a deeper level. I didn't have to work on my ego. I didn't have to understand my triggers. I didn't have to. When I left that, which took me several times at least two, maybe three before I finally said this is what's best for both of us. Trust me, I know you're going to hate me for this. I know you are, and this person did. This person was not very happy with me. They eventually reached out and said I'm glad you're doing well. Yeah, yeah, also also F you.

Alan:

They sent me a long message in the last three words we're also sorry. I've been in it with them for the suffering. So if I will laugh just know you're good, it's only funny in hindsight.

Kevin:

One of the one of my favorite things slash most challenging things about being married to Taryn is she has very, very, very high standards for the way she is treated. The best thing. I love that. That's exactly what I want. I don't. I don't want someone where I can just show up and it's okay. She doesn't care that I'm a successful podcaster, she doesn't care that I'm a successful business owner. She doesn't care that I have 1500 episodes. She doesn't care. She's proud of me and she's supportive, but that's not why she's with me. That's not enough. That's not enough. It's not enough and I'm super, super grateful for that.

Kevin:

But that was very scary in the beginning because my thought was am I going to be with it? Am I going to be able to do this? Am I going to be able to get like better and better and better and have those conversations and be vulnerable and work on that stuff and receive feedback when I don't want it? But that's kind of what's necessary if you want great. So yeah, I had a situation ship. That was good enough. It was. It was easy. I showed up when I wanted. I left when I wanted. There was very little resistance, there was very little commitment. It was good enough, but it wasn't great. And as I here I am, I have a self improvement podcast and I'm talking about relationships and I'm talking about all this stuff and it's just like I don't feel. Like I don't feel like this is right for me anymore. But there, there was time in between that situation ship and being where I am today, for sure.

Alan:

I think this is the thing too underneath all this is we think easy is what we want until it's really easy and you're just bored. I mean I, you know this is, I'll keep this high level. But you know, if you are, let's say, someone who's working on yourself at level eight, and you're put in the work and you're trying to get better and you're trying to grow and you're trying to evolve and you're getting smarter and you're getting stronger and you're working on your fitness and you're trying to become better and better and better. You're trying to be a better partner. You're trying to be a better friend. You're trying to be a better human being. You know, and then you meet someone who isn't and you are with them. It's almost like you sold below your pay grade for lack of better phrasing. And it's easy, you don't really have to do anything and it's just the comfort zone. It's the comfort zone.

Alan:

I think about this with Emilia all the time. When she came to me. It's even hard to talk about, but when she said that I can tell that I've done work that you haven't. On the therapy side, she's been doing therapy for years and years and years and years and years. She still is, and it's not this, it's not your broken. Go fix yourself. That is not at all what she was saying. What she was saying is you have no idea how powerful this is going to be for you, trust me. And it has been such a huge unlock we did an episode yesterday about it where I don't know, I just feel so different. I feel so unburdened. I don't feel like I have to please anyone, not from a negative I don't care place, just more from a centered. I don't have to pretend I'm confident when I'm not. I don't have to pretend I'm not smart when I am. I just don't care that much about anything, except for being me. In comparison to before, you don't really realize how much you were contorting yourself. Until you stop and we all are to some extent I still am probably, I just don't know it to what extent anymore, and I'm sure in five years I'll think the same thing.

Alan:

But being with Emilia, she also has extremely high standards and it's much better than the alternative, which is someone with no standards who doesn't hold me accountable to being the best man. I mean, last night I'm the one who said I can't go to the gym with you, I have to work. She still went on her own, crushed a lift. I walked on the treadmill. I want that. I want someone who inspires me on her own accord to be better, not because she's pushing me to be better, but because she's leading by example every single day.

Alan:

And so, at the end of the day, I think we want easy, but easy is rarely fulfilling. It's nice for a couple of weeks, it is genuinely it really is, and when you're really struggled with us, it's like I just need a minute. So it is a balance. That's it. Long term, you're not gonna look back on your life and go oh, I'm so grateful, it was so easy. You're gonna look at the stuff that meant something, and the stuff that meant something was the stuff that you had to earn through becoming better, through adversity, through struggle, through sacrifice, and I just feel like that's so fundamental. I think the things that mean the most and I use this as an example and I hope it lands.

Alan:

But I coached so many people in fitness and I always ask this question and it was so fascinating for me because everyone gave the same answer what's the most attractive feature of a physique, male or female? Everyone said abs. The reason why is because it's the most difficult to attain and it's even more difficult to sustain. And if everyone woke up tomorrow with ripped six pack abs, guess what? No one would care about anymore. Right, because it would be normal. You know, it's not like. That's what extraordinary is, that's what great is. It's going for something that's rare, it's going for something that's hard, and it's the hard that makes it great, and I really believe in that so deeply. And I think we've all gone down the easy road for a time and been deeply unfulfilled, and maybe some people are still there, and maybe this will spark something in you.

Kevin:

I think easy is empty. I get times easy can be empty. You've played a video game that's super easy. Or go like okay, let's do this, you and I. Next Level Hope Foundation. I'm playing baseball with little kids. It's not challenging, it's easy, it's empty.

Alan:

I'm not gonna Speak for yourself. Some of those kids hammer it. What did they do? No, no, I'm not saying they're not talented but it's just not the same.

Kevin:

Easy can be empty.

Alan:

Like playing Call of Duty with you. No, I'm not joking, I'm not great, I'm not great. No, no, no, you are, you are, I'm good. No, no, I'm genuinely not, I'm not.

Kevin:

I can't be, because if I'm good at that, then that means the business is gonna burn down. We've tried that before. Also, when you ask people, eventually, alan, you say what's the most attractive feature on a person, and they say, big toe, I'll be ready. That's what I'm. I'll be ready for that, but until that day we are in trouble.

Kevin:

All right. If you have not yet joined our private Facebook group, Next Level Nation, please do so. There's always really good conversations going on. Amy does amazing posts every day that help you think about stuff that maybe you haven't thought about before, and that is exactly what I hope this episode was as well. So Next Level Nation link will be in the show notes. We would love to have you there.

Alan:

Oh also, so I know I've talked about it a lot. So, unless you're a brand brand brand new listener, you have heard about our Dreamliner. Type it in on Amazon Next Level Dreamliner. You'll see some planes and our Dreamliner. Achieve your dreams 90 days at a time.

Alan:

But the real point, this journal is not only awesome, but it was built underneath a concept that we created. We actually did it for the monthly meetup, so shout out to the people who came to the January monthly meetup. What we did is we take your dreams, break them down into goals yearly goals and then break those into quarters. So, whatever your goal is for 2024, divide it by four that's your quarterly goal and then break that into daily habits. If anyone wants help with that process, I've taken so many clients through this and we can break your dreams down into tiny inch pebbles that are daily habits and you can book a link will be in the show notes for a free 30 minutes with me. We'll workshop it out. We'll break your dreams into tiny inch pebbles and that way you make 2024 different. And it's totally free, no strings attached. I'm not gonna sell you anything. I just love to meet our listeners and I will help you break your dreams down into small, actionable daily habits.

Kevin:

Tomorrow for episode number 1588, how do you make your decisions? Someone asked me I don't remember when this was, I don't know if it's a coaching call podcast, but somebody asked me about that we were talking about decisions and I said, oh my goodness, I feel like I've changed the way I make decisions a lot. I still have a ways to go, for sure, but I definitely recognize a change. So we're gonna talk about that tomorrow for Sunday's episode. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you, and at NLU we do not have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow.

Alan:

Go for great next level nation.

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Alan Lazaros

Host
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Kevin Palmieri

Host