Next Level University

#1599 - One Of The Keys To Long Lasting Friendships

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

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In a world where the hustle of daily life can easily overshadow our personal needs, self-care becomes a pivotal dance that requires grace, strength, and, most importantly, the courage sometimes to say 'no.' In this episode, Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros delve deep into this dance, guiding us through balancing personal time with social obligations.

Links mentioned:
Next Level Live - Saturday, March 23rd, 2024 (10:00 am to 4:30 pm) https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/next-level-live/
Book Club - Saturday, February 3rd, 2024 (12:30 PM) https://zoom.us/meeting/register/tJMkcuiupjIqE9QlkptiKDQykRtKyFB5Jbhc#/registration

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NLU is far more than just a podcast, and we have so many more resources to help you achieve your goals and dreams.

For more information, please check out our website at the link below. 👇

Website 💻  http://www.nextleveluniverse.com

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Next Level U Book Club - https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/next-level-book-club/
Next Level Monthly Meetup:  https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/monthly-meetups/

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We love connecting with you guys! Reach out on Instagram, Facebook, or via email.

Instagram 📷
Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/neverquitkid/
Alan: https://www.instagram.com/alazaros88/

Facebook ✍
Alan: https://www.facebook.com/alan.lazaros
Kevin: https://www.facebook.com/kevin.palmieri.90/

Email 💬
Kevin@nextleveluniverse.com
Alan@nextleveluniverse.com

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Show notes:
(1:57) The art of self-care
(5:05) Alan's least favorite character trait
(10:37) Kevin's creation
(15:22) Meet like-minded people and jumpstart your journey to achieving your dreams while optimizing your life. Join Next Level Group Coaching.
(16:07) Misaligned people, misalign people
(17:19) Have a good standard of excellence in improving
(19:46) Mutual support and the setting of realistic expectations
(24:42) Entitlement and bullies
(29:58) Outro

Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

Kevin:

Next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. We hope you enjoyed yesterday's episode, episode number 1598,. Two questions to ask yourself when you're down Today. For episode number 1599, one of the keys to long lasting friendships slash relationships, but I would say relationships in the intimate fashion require a lot more keys. So Alan mentioned this on a previous episode and I wanted to do this episode earlier in the week, but I didn't want to go back to back with episodes that were very, very similar. There's this episode of King of Queens, alan, and it's just a really good representation of what we're going to talk about today.

Kevin:

Kevin James and his wife I guess a Karrion Doug, as they are in King of Queens. They're on a flight and their flight touches down. It lands. It lands a little bit hard and the oxygen masks fall down and Doug grabs his oxygen mask while looking at his wife and is panicking to put it on and he's pulling the things and he's like gasping for air and his wife is looking at him like what in the hell are you doing? This is a sitcom, so from this they have an argument. And the argument is you try to save yourself before me. How dare you, how do you try to save yourself before me? And again, it's comical and it's low vibe, so there's a lot of back and forth.

Kevin:

I would venture to guess a relationship like that would not ever succeed, and here's why, especially in a friendship, one of the keys to a long, lasting friendship slash relationship is the fact that the other person wants you to take care of you first. They don't want you to take care of them first. They don't expect you to show up somewhere when you don't feel well, when you should be taking care of yourself. Some of my favorite clients we have are the ones that are the most hey, go, take care of yourself. Hey, I'm not feeling so hot today, so if my energy's a little off on our call, I just want to give you a heads up. Let's just reschedule take care of yourself. That versus no, we need to be on a call today. If we miss, I'm going to be extremely upset. That type of stuff, it's just. There's just that control issue, that guilt issue. It doesn't really work. Long term you start to resent the person. It doesn't really work.

Kevin:

I was supposed to be in a podcast a while ago and the person had to reschedule like two or three times the last time. They emailed me and said I'm so sorry I have to do this again, but it was either their grandfather or their father was in the hospital. I said you're good, I don't want to do the interview. If you're going to be super stressed or you're going to be super sad, or if you're trading in time at the hospital with someone to do an interview with me, let's reschedule it. They said and this was really humbling for me. They said I'm even more excited now to chat with you because of how supportive and how patient you are. That's just another example of the people in your life that allow you to put yourself first, or probably the people in your life that you want to have around for the long run.

Alan:

This is going to be one Kev this is going to be one.

Kevin:

Hold on, let me lighten the air. There's my mug that have fudge and ace on it here for those on YouTube.

Alan:

Ace and fudge are Kevin's cats. They are For those not on YouTube. It's a mug of Kevin's cats?

Kevin:

Yeah, I assume everybody knows the cats at this point, but that's very that's wrong. They don't. That's definitely wrong, yeah, that's definitely wrong.

Alan:

Okay, so this is going to be one. What I mean by that is my least favorite character trait is entitlement. I was on a podcast last week and it was with a man. I wish I knew his name. I wish I knew the first name. I can't remember his first name.

Alan:

The interview was awesome. Oh, it was so good. So we're scheduled for 3.30 Eastern time. And he said, listen, I'm so sorry he emailed me, I'm so sorry, my son, I got a drive. I wasn't planning on driving today and he was so apologetic, so kind, so respectful, not entitled at all. And then he sent a second email on second thought. I could do 5.30. Could we do 5.30? Is that possible? But it was again, the energy of it was very respectful and very trying to make up for having to reschedule and I said, yeah, actually I can do 5.30. So we ended up doing it.

Alan:

And on the interview, it was a really powerful interview and this is one of those guys who has 10 out of 10 self-belief but has no idea no one else does. But he's like a really good guy and so that was a powerful conversation because I shared with him a lot of the things that I've realized. But anyways, in the middle of the interview I stopped him. I said you want to know one of the reasons I actually rescheduled this and why I did the 5.30, even though you know we were playful, like we both of us kind of have one foot out the door because we have plans tonight, that kind of thing. He said that and I also. You know I'm trying not to work super late so that I don't burn down. But anyways, the point is is I said you want to know why I was so excited and why I rescheduled this, because normally I don't have openings and I'm very grateful when an opening happens because it's like I can get caught up on work.

Alan:

I said because your email wasn't entitled at all. Your email was very respectful of my time. It's an energy, it's the way he sent the email. It wasn't. Hey, I can't do 3.30 like we planned, but let's do 5. It was, I'm so sorry, my bad. This came up. You know, on second thought I could do 5.30. Could that work for you? It was not entitled, it wasn't an order, and so entitlement to me bothers me deeply. It always has, it always will. There's two things on this world that bother me the most. The first one's bullying and the second one is entitlement, and entitlement is what I call the spoiled brat syndrome. When I was growing up, there were these friends of mine that I'll never forget this. They grew up with a lot of money and I remember we were buying dirt bikes and ATVs. We I was with them. They were buying dirt bikes and ATVs.

Alan:

And I remember I went home and I talked to my parents my sister, whoever I don't remember exactly who I talked to, but I remember being like that was really disgusting, what I just witnessed. I was really disgusted at how much they were being so entitled. They're like they were so mad at their parents for not buying all of them. There was like two dirt bikes, there was three four wheelers, there was a snowmobile and they were so mad at their parents for not getting all of them. And I remember thinking, oh my God, I never want to be like that. Now I also want to preface this.

Alan:

When my stepdad was around from age two to 14, I three to 14, three to 14, before he left, we had high income and he took with him not only his extended family but he got the yacht and the apartment buildings and we got the home and the dog.

Alan:

And I remember getting Dreamcast early for Christmas. I remember getting Xbox before everybody else. I remember getting nice things I do and honestly, it wasn't until after 14, when my stepdad left and where I really really really realized that I was spoiled. And I don't think I was more spoiled or less spoiled than other people, necessarily, but I mean we went from ski trips and boats and a yacht, 90s, you know all that stuff Dreamcast, xbox to I'm shopping at thrift stores now because we don't have enough money. I get free lunch at school now because we don't have a lot of income. I don't know how I'm gonna go to college. And I remember thinking to myself like, wow, I was wicked entitled. I was like really spoiled, really spoiled. I didn't even know it, because when you're a kid you just don't even you don't even know right Now, there were other things about my childhood that I was not spoiled whatsoever with.

Alan:

But when it comes to the ski trips and the yacht and all that stuff you know, adventures and all that we definitely, and we had snowmobiles. That's also why, you know, we were friends with that other group of friends that bought all the you know dirt bikes and ATVs and all that. But my point of this story is not to talk about my childhood. The point of this story is entitlement is when someone else doesn't want you to take care of you. They are entitled to your time. They are entitled to you doing what they want you to do. And that's why the holidays frustrate me sometimes, because you're expected to be somewhere. Who has this unwritten rule book where I'm supposed to be there? Because it's tradition, and again, I apologize if I'm coming off, you know, angry at this, but Kevin and I have this framework. Kevin created it. I think we've done episodes on it. If we haven't, I know that we will.

Kevin:

That's a rare saying. Right there we have a framework, and Kevin created it.

Alan:

I want everybody to jot that down.

Kevin:

That's. That might be the only one. Put that. Put it on Instagram. That might be the only time you ever hear that.

Alan:

Take that clip. Oh, this is the best framework ever, man. I was so blown away when you created this. This is real good. I'll use this forever.

Kevin:

What can I say? I'll always show you A bit of an engineer myself. You know what I mean.

Alan:

Yeah, I will. I will show you up 30% of the time. That's okay, I'll accept that you know when I'm with you, I'll show you up. No, I'm kidding, I will use this forever. I will show you up forever. It's so good. Wrong expectations, wrong time perspective, wrong approach Approach is second, that's oh my bad, I just want to, okay, I know you care about accuracy.

Kevin:

I don't care, but I know you care about accuracy?

Alan:

No, I do, I appreciate it. So wrong expectations is first All right, so wrong relationship. That's the formula for failure. Okay, formula for success is right expectations, right time perspective. No approach, right approach, right approach Time perspective.

Kevin:

it's expectations approach time perspective.

Alan:

Everyone listening or watching this. I am sorry.

Kevin:

Alan loves it so much he can't remember it I love it so much that I jev it.

Alan:

The right expectations with Kevin and I's relationship, our friendship, is that I ask Kevin hey, do you want to come over? Hey, do you want to XYZ? I don't expect it and I'll share one more story. Be very brief. I remember I ran into someone at the gym. I Used to be too scared to share this stuff and I'm just not anymore. I really it is what it is Like, how you didn't wish me a birthday, happy birthday.

Alan:

And I was like I was so pumped to see this person. I was so excited. I was like, oh, you know, hey, how's it go right? So pumped, just so genuine and just pumped. It's like, oh, you didn't wish me a happy birthday, like what you expect me to remember your birthday. I don't remember my own. I'm joking. But my point is is this a whole expectation thing I have obviously a toxic relationship with, so I don't want to get my junk on the listeners. I can't stand it. I Can't stand it wherever people think that they are Entitled to your time or entitled to wishing you a happy birthday or entitled to whatever XYZ. I don't have that, I don't. Whatever that thing is, I don't do that. And I I joked behind the scenes with Kev before this episode. I said seven years in business coming up on our seventh year friendship business. I think your chair just went.

Alan:

Yeah, don't worry about it and I said I only guilt tripped him once and I'll never forget it because it was so bad I'm so ashamed of this I'm gonna tell it tripped him.

Kevin:

Yeah, it's a story.

Kevin:

I was entitled to your time and I don't think that's what I think you, you wanted to leave and you Felt bad leaving. So you wanted me to stay, because I, when it's time for me to go, I go. When I gotta go, I gotta go. Allen and I had friends at one point in our life and they were moving and we I Don't want to say we got sucked into helping them, but we thought it was yeah, we thought was the right thing, we'll help you move were two Physically active human beings who can lift heavy things. We go to the gym, that'll be, that'll be something. And so we helped them move. We did a coaching call with David Meltzer in the in the car that day, literally in the parking lot, in the parking lot Before we move the stuff to the other place. So we drive to the other place, we unload all the stuff and and that night there was UFC, ufc. There were some big fights on that night.

Kevin:

I just I was ready to go home, order food and watch UFC. Like I already told people, I said I'm out of here at this time. When we're done, I gotta go UFC's on. And they said, no, we're gonna order pizza, who's gonna stay for pizza? And I said I appreciate it. I'm grateful. I love pizza much of the next guy. I gotta go, I'm gonna take off. And Allen said Kev, you gotta stay. Come on, man, stay for pizza, you gotta stay, you gotta stay, you gotta stay. And then I Ended up staying. Did I care that Allen guilted me, quote-unquote? No, because it wasn't the end of the world, it wasn't that that big of a deal, but and you had such a track record of the time of always wanting me to do what was best for me, so I don't really think I even thought of it, not like it was a pattern. It's like, yeah, okay, whatever, oh, so I'll get home an hour before UFC instead of two hours.

Alan:

Well, it's not the end of the world. I came to this realization that misaligned people misaligned people. And this is nothing against our friends, because I adore them genuinely and I've learned a lot from both of them. I'm a big fan. One of them is a past client, just awesome. But that, in hindsight, was not aligned for me, and when I say yes to something that's not aligned, because I don't have the courage to say no, I ended up misaligning Kev, and that's the truth. The truth is I was misaligned and because of that I was overcompensating and I didn't want to be alone in that misalignment. So, misaligned people, misaligned people. And unfortunately, when I guilt-tripped Kev, that's something that a lot of people do to a lot of people and we try really hard not to do that at NLU and the NLU team members can attest to this. Many of them listen to the show and I try really hard not to make people feel guilty when they're Jeffin or when they're failing forward or when they're late or when they're Now again.

Alan:

Obviously you have to hold a standard. So it's a duality. How do you hold a good standard of excellence, of getting better, of improving, even right there? I mean, how many times has the chair gone out Too many times. Right, we've done the chair thing. What 50?

Kevin:

times. Oh yeah, no, it's-.

Alan:

I'm not going to guilt you.

Kevin:

It's a whole thing.

Alan:

Even bringing it up. That's not to guilt Kevin. I don't know Right, it is what it is, So-.

Kevin:

Well, the thing is, we it's if one of us sees it and the other person catches the other person's eye and one of us is smiling, that's when things tend to go off the rails, because we I don't know, we like to laugh. We like to laugh.

Alan:

Is there a way to be in a friendship, be in a relationship where there isn't guilt trips? That's a world I want to live in. Now, how do you hold that with the duality of also having standards and improving and stuff like that, right? So if you're in an intimate relationship, for example, you know, the other night I worked late and I went over on a call. We did group coaching and then Amy and I had a really good post experience review and we updated the whole presentation for next time and all that stuff.

Alan:

I ended up walking into Amy Lee's office and I'm just like I was playful. I was like shame, because we have this thing where we both work really late and when one of us works late, the other one works late and we end up going to the gym late, then we get home late, then we go to bed late, then we wake up late, so it's this whole cascade effect and I was playful and I said shame, but she's not going to guilt me, she's going to try to be kind and give grace. Now, if it were to happen every day, eventually she'd have to say Alan, come on, cut the shit right. So I'll never forget Guilt and Kev because I was entitled. I'll never forget Guilt and Kev because I can't stand people who guilt me.

Alan:

And the point of this episode is how do you want what's best for the other person, even if what's best for the other person might negatively impact you a little bit and I know you can take that too far. But if you're in relationships that don't want what's best for you, you know it, Intuitively. You know it and you need to can those. You need to sail away. You need to reallocate time, you need to cut the strings, you need to. Whatever analogy you want to use, my life has gotten so much better, man, when I just stopped dealing with people who guilt me about stuff. The bullies and the entitled have to go. That's my God-honest truth. Sorry if I talked too much on this one. Is that your next album, nugget? Yes, okay, the bullies and the entitled have to go.

Kevin:

I'm going to have an interesting next album, nugget, because here's the thing you have. I want to choose my words cautiously here. If I'm off the rails, jeffing, you do guilt me with my goals, as you should. You're not guilting me to make me be away. You want me to be. You're guilting me to make me be away. That I told you I want to be, so that I mean that may be that's probably a whole nother level, but a whole nother episode. But I just wanted to throw that out there because maybe, okay, change up, detour. Maybe some of the people in your life that are the best for you for the long term, the only time they ever guilt you and maybe it's a redirection is when they know you're going to be disappointed in the decisions you're making.

Alan:

Well, that still is having your best interest at heart and that's, I think, great leadership. And so Emilia has positively impacted my life more than anyone I've ever met. Kev, you are second.

Kevin:

It's pretty good. Top two I'll take. Yeah, we'll see if I can stay there, though.

Alan:

You know what I mean, but the truth of the matter is you both helped me. You both have been hard on me at times to help me get what I want, and we playfully talk about when Kevin called me fat, but what he was really trying to say is, alan, that ain't it man. You're not. You're delusional Meaning, you're not actually as fit as you think, and it would behoove you to get your S together.

Kevin:

Not because I want that, but because you want that. And I started off with I'm not telling you this because I'm in better shape than you. I am out of shape. I'm not claiming to say like, hey, man, you need to pick it up for me, I'm in trouble, I don't want you, but I realize it. I know I don't look that and again, it's all contextual and I know for some people that can be kind of a heavy thing of. You. Guys are in the gym all the time and maybe you think we look good, but again, our standards are different. It's a whole lot of layers to that, but it was more. I know what you want to look like in 10 years. If you think you're closer than you actually are, there's no way you get there. I don't. I know I don't look good, so I don't need the feedback. You keep the feedback for yourself, son. I'm balanced.

Alan:

But that's wanting what was best for me, of course, always, and I think the same with the story about the balding thing.

Kevin:

Right, I want, I want you gotta get one, you gotta get one back. Huh.

Alan:

No, no, no, no. I think this is. I knew this was gonna be one. This episode is what I so deeply believe is wrong with relationships. Yeah, there's no way you and I could have worked together for seven years if we weren't wanting what was best for each other. There's no way. No One of us would have to go Like. There's just no way. And I can't pretend to be the best friend in the world, but I can tell you this I always tried to help people achieve their goals and dreams and help. I don't feel like I was ever guilt trippy. I never was like, oh well, you didn't wish me a buh-buh-buh.

Kevin:

None of that, whatever that is.

Alan:

I just don't have that.

Kevin:

Whatever that thing is, Anyways, not about me, but yeah, I was gonna say you have very low standards with that, though I think, like you genuinely do forget your birthday, and that is an actual, factual statement. So same with me, I don't care, I don't care about any of that, but I do understand why some people do so. That's that fine line. I don't want my expectations to affect other people's. Again, it's a deep level. It's a super, super, super deep level.

Kevin:

Last thing, before we go my so Taren and I eloped in Colorado, Telluride Colorado, beautiful place and the next month, when we came home, we had a party and we had it at a vineyard, orchard, one of the two. They make wine wherever that is Vineyard. And I had a moment. I talked to Taren. I said Alan might not come, just FYI. Just I don't know, I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't. And she said wouldn't that make you sad? And I said yeah, it would make me sad, but I understand. If he doesn't want to be there because of his relationship and struggles with alcohol, I'm all for it. It is what it is. It's not the end of the world. I'm going to see him the Monday after my effing chair man. I'm going to see him the Monday after it's not the end of the world. And you came and I was super grateful and we had a blast, but I just wanted to throw it out there Because I think that's one of the reasons our relationship works as well as it does you know what's crazy.

Alan:

I wanted to be there because I didn't feel guilted.

Kevin:

So stop there, because we have an episode coming up in the future that's going to be not about that specifically, but kind of about that specifically, ok, and plus you had an ice cream truck and yard games.

Alan:

I mean, I'm there, man. It was a big party. I had a blast.

Kevin:

I can't take any credit for that. Taryn had 99% of those ideas, so she is in a second life. She was definitely a party planner for sure.

Alan:

I had a blast it was great, but that you weren't entitled. And when someone's not entitled, I will do all that I can with all I have to try to support them. I think that's super important, but again, I think entitlement is toxic. I do, I think entitlement is toxic, I would agree. And I think bullies are toxic, and that's my final say, and you can disagree with me if you want, because I don't want to be toxic and I allow you to disagree with me 100%. But that's why I knew this was going to be one, because I spent a lot of time with a lot of people, in hindsight, that were very entitled. It was like, oh, you expect this, you expect that, and then I don't expect anything in return. It's just this weird thing this was one, it was definitely one, this was one. I hope I didn't get my junk on anybody.

Kevin:

Well, I think you called it out and we all have different relationships with this. We all have different relationships with this Next level nation. We are super, super excited 10 out of 10 excited. The team was talking about the Airbnb and flights and all that stuff. Next level live 2024, is on March 23rd. Please hold March 23rd, alan, or March 24th, march 23rd 23rd In Groton, massachusetts, a beautiful, picturesque little town, and the venue is on.

Kevin:

It's right near, like a little mountain. It's beautiful, it is amazing. We had our first ever. I guess at the time, it would have been considered our first next level live, I guess in a way back in 2018, I believe.

Kevin:

So, if you are local and you have wanted to attend a next level event, we're having 30 people. We've decided to shrink it down a little bit and make it more intimate, but also make it higher quality. The hotel we were having at was nice, but the food was not great. Honestly. This has a buffet style meal. It's going to be amazing. It's going to be amazing.

Kevin:

So we're selling 30 tickets for in-person. Take it easy. I'm not done. Take it easy, I'm not done. We're going to have 30 people in-person, but we're also going to do a virtual side of it as well for the majority of you that are not local. So we're also going to sell 30 tickets for that. The reason we're keeping it small, even on the virtual, is because we want to be able to break up people into groups of 10. Now if a bunch of people want to buy tickets and we sell out the 30 and there's more to go, we'll open it up for more. But that is the current thought. So if you are interested, do not let that stop you from getting a ticket. Trust me, there's no such thing as too many people. We will figure it out.

Alan:

So what I wanted to share, when you always can tell what I want to talk because I breathe in. Emilia found out that the Groton Inn is surrounded by I don't know if it's conservation land I don't know the proper term but one of the reasons it's so beautiful is because it's surrounded by state protected land. Yeah, so it's like gorgeous there, really gorgeous. Also, we have a book club. As many of you know, we are reading the Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Umataki Koga. This book is different than what we normally do. It's a philosopher talking to a young youth who's super curious about personal growth. It's facilitating some really good conversations in book club.

Alan:

The last book club that we did, a lot of people thought was the most powerful, because this book is a little different than what we're used to. It's a little different than high performance habits, right? Not different in a bad way, though. So anyways, saturday, 12.30pm Eastern Standard Time. Every single Saturday, we're coming up on our 150th week in a row. You do not have to have read the book. There were several people one person was there taking notes with their camera on didn't read the chapter. That's totally fine. I'm just grateful to have you there. I hope that you join us. And there's no bullies allowed, no one's allowed to be disrespectful, no one's allowed to be toxic, and it's a safe space to learn and grow. So I hope you join us One of my shout out to Jenna for the recommendation.

Kevin:

Jenna suggested that book, I don't know last year, maybe a year and a half ago. One of my favorite books I've ever read, genuinely. It's fire. I love the depth of it. It makes you. If you want a book that's going to make you think, that is it, and I can't imagine a better place to think deep thoughts than next level book club Tomorrow. Thanks brother, yeah, you're welcome, you're welcome.

Alan:

You're very welcome. Thanks, we're going to get you a cake.

Kevin:

We're going to get you a cake for the three year anniversary of book club Perfect. What kind? What kind? You want Ice cream, ice cream cake. Are you going to? Will you eat it on the on the? No, you can't. If you eat in the middle of the day, your garbage later you just fall asleep.

Alan:

I am, I'm just fall asleep. We'll get it for. We'll get it for that night.

Kevin:

Tomorrow. Another milestone Episode number 1600 tomorrow. Two kids from a small town who wanted to do their part to change the world 1600 episodes later Mind blowing. I have no idea how we got here. What 1600 episodes taught us about success? I was driving to the gym today and I was thinking to myself a lot of things, but it was really I had no idea. There's so many things that I could never possibly know without being where I am today that even if you told me, if I told myself things at the beginning of the journey, I wouldn't, it wouldn't land. I don't know if it could possibly land. So I want to talk about that. I want to talk about success and what that really means and what I was missing, and maybe, whether you're watching or listening, maybe you'll learn something too. That's always the goal. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you and NLU. We don't have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow for episode number 1600. Talk to you soon.

Alan:

Thanks to all the nation.

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Alan Lazaros

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Kevin Palmieri

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