Next Level University

#1626 - Do You Feel Like You’re Too Much?

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

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Have you ever poured your heart out, only to be met with a barrage of unsolicited advice? We’ve all been there, and in today’s episode, Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros unravel the art of conversation that honors the balance between being a supportive listener and a proactive problem-solver. They underscore the nuances of interpersonal dynamics, focusing on being present and genuinely hearing someone out. Get ready to chuckle, reflect, and maybe even see yourself in a new light as they explore these facets of human connection.

Links mentioned:
Next Level Dreamliner - https://a.co/d/f1FWAQA
Next Level Live - Saturday, March 23rd, 2024 (10:00 am to 4:30 pm) https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/next-level-live/

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NLU is more than just a podcast; we have many more resources to help you achieve your goals and dreams.

For more information, please check out our website at the link below. 👇

Website 💻  http://www.nextleveluniverse.com

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We love connecting with you guys! Reach out on Instagram, Facebook, or via email.

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Alan: https://www.instagram.com/alazaros88/

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Email 💬
Kevin@nextleveluniverse.com
Alan@nextleveluniverse.com

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Show notes:
(2:25) Finding balance in conversations
(5:44) You become what you desire
(9:01) Ways of learning
(11:34) Empathetic conversation
(13:01) Next Level Dreamliner: the planner, agenda, journal, and habit tracker to rule them all. Get a copy: https://a.co/d/f1FWAQA
(14:35) The power of relative comparison
(18:29) Deep conversations: The value of dialogue in understanding ourselves and others
(21:30) Don’t compare to a perspective
(27:34) Outro

Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

Kevin:

Next level nation. Welcome back to another episode of next level university, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. We hope you enjoyed yesterday's episode, episode number 1625. What can our regrets teach us today? For episode number 1626, do you feel like you're too much, alan? Have you ever Try to give someone an answer to a question that they didn't want answered?

Kevin:

Many, many, many times have you been called or considered too much? Would you say many, many, many, many, many, many times? I think that's one of the reasons why people would identify someone else as too much and they might not even say that. They might not say that person's too much. But I was thinking of this the other day. If let's just say, in your friend group, you're always the person with the answers, but it's not the answers that the people in the group want, I bet you, you might feel like you're too much. You might feel like you're not connecting with them. They might feel like you don't understand them. It could create some level of negativity and I think we've talked about this before.

Kevin:

And there's an episode of the most Wisdomatic show of all time, I would say parks and recreation. I've learned a lot from books and TED Talks I nothing compares to the amount of lessons life lessons particularly I've learned from parks and wreck. There's an episode where two of the characters are together and they're having a baby, and it's Chris Traeger and Anne Perkins. And Anne Perkins is pregnant and Chris Traeger is a great man. He's trying to take care of his pregnant partner. You want me to rub your feet, you want me to take your shoes off, you want me to order you food, you want to back rub all these things? And Chris says he goes to one of his friends and he says I don't know I don't get it.

Kevin:

I feel like she's mad at me all the time. I'm doing all this stuff but nothing's landing. And the person said sometimes you just got to say, yeah, that really sucks and that's it. You don't do anything else, you don't try to solve the problem, you don't try to fix it, you don't try to have the answer, everything. And later in the episode he says that. She says, yeah, I was so gassy today, I was farting all over the place. He said, yeah, that really sucks. And she said it does suck and they had a really good conversation and the conflict was solved.

Kevin:

And we always say we say this in group coaching, we say this in speeches. And do you want support or do you want strategy? Do you want support or or do you want strategy? Do you want a shoulder to lean on and you just want to say you know what? I had a really shitty day and it sucked. Or do you want to say I had a bad day and I was. I Was hoping that you could give me some Ideas for ways to make me feel better? Those are two drastically different conversations.

Alan:

Go ahead earlier today, when you came to me, which one did you want?

Kevin:

I always go straight to the solver, I don't I don't come to you unless I want Solving, because I know, I know that's just the way you're wired, okay yeah, I don't do that to each other.

Alan:

All the time with each other.

Kevin:

It's I don't really like to vent. I like to. If I'm venting, it's because I'm venting like I'll vent to Taryn, but a lot of times it's just like I don't need anything. I just need to get it out because I need to hear it and then I'll try to figure out how to solve. It's not necessarily because I don't have the answer, it's just I don't know what the problem is, yet Maybe I don't know what the problem is yet Maybe I'm going to be 100%.

Alan:

That makes sense. You were going good, I interrupted you. No, I. I think all of us are on one end or the other. We either jump to solver or we jump to supporter. You mean, I have started using that do you want? Supporter. Do you want great question?

Kevin:

You said strategy or Support. You could say strategy or shoulder, whatever.

Alan:

I like solver, or or that's good one, but we tend to do the solver, of course, which is the strategy, but Sometimes you do just want to talk it out for sure.

Kevin:

I've become what I like to think as I interrupt you for the sixth time in this episode a really good listener, definitely, and one of the reasons is because I like to be listened to. I think you become what you desire. When Matt and I used to live together, so Matt is my other best friend, other than Alan. If Alan and I weren't in business together, we'd probably hate each other, though I guess it's a business best friendship that sounds hardcore.

Kevin:

I would not hate you, well, I wouldn't hate you either, but I wouldn't like you very much maybe.

Alan:

I don't know, I might have come around, you wouldn't know me, most likely. Yeah, that's true. No, I would know you Very well, who's this podcast?

Kevin:

What is he doing?

Alan:

Next-level university who?

Kevin:

do you think he is?

Alan:

Like his crap-dose thing.

Kevin:

So I lived with Matt for I don't know three years and Matt had a very stressful job and he would come home one like certain nights, and I would hear his truck pull into the driveway and I would literally just turn everything off and say like, all right, here we go, because he just liked to vent, he just wants to vent, he's not looking for any strategy, he just needs to get it out, get it out, get it out. And I would sit there for hours some nights. He was super stressed out and then we'd wrap it up and he'd say how was your day, man? And I'd say that was good. Yeah, you know, we podcast with this person and that was it. It would be like two hours and five minutes. That's how I like it, though I don't really need it. I don't want to talk about my day really, unless I get to a point where I need to and then it's an emergency and I text down and say, hey, man, I'm burning down kind of like I did today.

Kevin:

So early next-level nugget what? When somebody comes to you, what is your default setting? Is that also what you're desiring when you bring things up in conversation I'm not a super deep conversational person as much as you might expect that, because I talk for a living I'm cool with sitting back and listening and just letting people bounce things off me. Sometimes that's what I do as a coach. People just bounce ideas off me and I say, well, what do you think? You know the answer and they'll say, yeah, you're right.

Alan:

I've never hung out with you, without me.

Kevin:

You've never hung out with me without you. That would be a weird world if you did.

Alan:

But you haven't. You have deep conversations with me all the time I'm forced to.

Kevin:

You're not forced to.

Alan:

Yeah, it's usually because.

Kevin:

I enjoy them, but you do more talking than I do Definitely.

Alan:

Yeah, yeah, I want to contemplate things and learn.

Kevin:

I do it. I very rarely start the volley, Usually start the volley and then I continue the volley and eventually I just stop hitting it back. I'm done, I'm good.

Alan:

There have been times where you've started the volley, though Usually when I'm just past go.

Kevin:

It's usually when I'm super tired, but I love having deep conversations. It's just a matter of I would much rather listen than talk. I don't like being the center of attention, I just like to listen. I'd rather somebody vent to me, or if they say I'm looking for strategy, then we can go.

Alan:

I haven't brought this up in a long time, but this is a good next level nugget for everyone listening or watching. There are four. They always talk about the three ways of learning there's auditory, there's kinesthetic, there's visual. What was it? There's a fourth one Kinesthetic.

Kevin:

Why did I?

Alan:

say that.

Kevin:

No, you said no, not weird, you just said it very aggressively. That's your. Is that your favorite one?

Alan:

No, I just don't know how to pronounce it.

Kevin:

Sorry you offended me, so I didn't want to ask.

Alan:

No. So there's visual learners, there's auditory learners, there's kinesthetic learners, so obviously self-explanatory you learn through visuals. Auditory pretty self-explanatory you learn through hearing Hopefully, you're an auditory learner because you're listening to this show. And then there's kinesthetic, which people that learn by doing. You've identified that. Yes, I have Learns by doing. There's a fourth one no one ever talks about, which is ironic. Talking Is that yours.

Kevin:

Some people learn through conversation.

Alan:

Oh yeah, the big one, the big one. I learned so much through talking. That's why I had a podcast, Kevin called Conversations Change Lives. It was a YouTube channel. It's gonna be podcast. Okay, fair, in my mind it was already a podcast because it was headed there, headed there.

Kevin:

Give it to you.

Alan:

So conversations change lives. Why? Because they're hyper conscious and that's where you do all your learning. You learn through conversation. You learn through other people's experience. You learn from asking and answering tough questions, you and I. How do we grow the business? How do we build a great team? How do we build a great company? How do we build a great community? How do we engage the community more? How do we make the show better? How do we tell a good story? Questions of the way man.

Alan:

I agree and the conversations is where all the gold is. I.

Kevin:

Think I, I well, I agree, but I just think this is a really good awareness, because then, if you do this with your partner and I think we've done an actual episode on this Are you looking for support, or strategy, or shoulder support, whatever. Whatever the saying is, I don't know it's, we're on hour 15 of the day right now, so I am I am running a very, very dry here on fuel to a standard as one of them. Probably yeah, and I know you, what do you like I?

Alan:

like solver and support. Would be solver and support we are using that. We have a digital asset of, like a tool kit person the person with a toolbox next to them and then another one who is a Shoulder to support the old tool kit person. I know.

Kevin:

I know them well, I just think solver and supporter.

Kevin:

I think this is just a really important awareness, because if you have a partner, and you know the way they like to vent, then you don't have to Worry about it. You just know. Because I think there's pressure At least for me there's pressure to solve Anytime somebody, my natural inclination Is, oh they, they want me to solve them. Same, why else would you tell me? But over time, right, why? Why else would you tell me? But because some people hang on to that all day and that's the first time they have had an opportunity to say it out loud with someone that they feel safe or Someone that they think understands. I think that's a piece of it too is when somebody doesn't want strategy, they don't want solving, they just want support. They probably don't want to be a part of it, they just want support. They probably tell you because they think you will be able to empathize in a way.

Alan:

That's another piece of it. How do you know they're not telling you, because they learn through talking and conversation.

Kevin:

I don't know if you do, but maybe you have a conversation with them about that. Hey, I've noticed. Hey, alan, I've noticed. When you and I talk, you never shut the hell up. Do you think one of the ways you learn is by Never shutting the hell up? And you would say, wow.

Alan:

Definitely definitely yeah, talking is our deep talk same? I mean how much? How much have we learned through conversation?

Kevin:

We were talking when Alan was saying the other day he's like hey, kev, I have almost 10,000 hours of auditory. Wait, what is it? Oratory, oratory. I think it would be auditory yeah yeah, oratory.

Alan:

For for those of you don't know, because it's a weird word, is Speaking to be effective communication? It's speaking, it's, it's oratory, it's yeah it's really they used to call them an order Back in the day, back in the Roman times. Order the person who speaks to the people, to the people.

Kevin:

We were. We were talking about how you're coming up on 10,000 hours, 8,000 something. You're on your way to 10,000 hours of speaking. And I said the wild thing is, for every 30 minutes we have on the podcast, we have At least at least that off the microphone, probably more, because we're together Monday from 11 o'clock until 6 pm. We're together for seven hours and we usually record for two. So that's a pretty, it's a pretty good ratio. Well, what's out? Did you already give your next love a nugget? I feel like this is gonna be a shorter episode because I don't really have my next level nugget was the.

Alan:

Which learner are you?

Alan:

We all have all four. We all learn visually well. Obviously some people can't hear, some people can't see, but we all have all four Theoretically auditory, kinesthetic, visual and oratory, speaking, talking, speaking, conversing, conversation. I think, through conversations probably, that that should be an asset. I should create an asset for that. I think that's really powerful. Which one's the one that you do most, that you're the most inclined to learn from? And if it's not auditory, you probably don't like audio books. If it's visual, you probably love hard copy books. If it's kinesthetic, you probably don't like books at all, you know. And if it's conversation, you probably love talking to people about, about things all the time. And maybe you're not a solver or a supporter, maybe you just want to contemplate. You mean, I do that all the time.

Alan:

Deep conversations is one of the 25 conscious level languages and prior to her and I getting together, I'll tell this story briefly. I had a friend of mine. I was with my ex-government in my mid 20s. I was dating a woman named Courtney sweetest person, mayor, at his mayor side, and on the way home from New Year's Eve I was contemplating and having a conversation with one of my friends and at the end of the night the next day that friend had kind of said you know, it's a little interesting, I don't know if you two are gonna work out. I remember being like what do you mean? He's like I don't think she really likes to have conversation and you love conversation and I was like, oh, that's fair, it's interesting, emilia loves it. I mean, we talk every walk we go on Kev. It's deep contemplation every single time about everything Did you Ourselves, the world other people.

Kevin:

Did you ever think that was broken? That the amount that you wanted to talk? Did you ever think that was broken? I don't remember it broken. Did you ever think there was something like you were the weird one for wanting to do that?

Alan:

No, I don't know if I understood that. That was different. I'm starting to now. I never really I couldn't imagine not wanting to contemplate.

Kevin:

But Tara and I were watching, we were watching a show and we took something from the show where it was. What was the name of the show? It was Love on the Spectrum. So my wife works with adults with developmental disabilities and the show is about adults with autism who are trying to date and how unique of an experience that can be.

Kevin:

It was a really informative show for me and one of the things that the teacher specialist taught one of the individuals was if you're on a date and you're having a good time but you run out of things to say, you can say I'm having a good time, I just don't have anything to say, I just don't have anything more to say. And Tara and I kind of said that in the car the other day. I was like I love you and I'm enjoying this ride with you, but I don't really have anything else to talk about right now. And I said how cool is it that we can kind of like sit in silence and we know it's not weird, it's not because I don't want to talk to you, it's not because I don't love you, it's not awkward, it's just I don't, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good right now.

Kevin:

So that would be kind of another next level, nugget, is do you feel pressure with certain people to hold conversation even if you don't want to? What does that mean about you? What does that mean about them? Not from a judgemental place, but that was really freeing for me, because I hear you all the time saying, yeah, we have these deep conversations. Tara and I have deep conversations, but some car rides. We either don't listen to anything there's nothing on, there's no music, there's nothing on and we don't really talk that much. And I used to think like I don't know, is that bad that make us? Are we weird for that?

Alan:

But I think that's just the way we are, you would know it would be an energy, you would know. Yeah.

Kevin:

I think it's easy to compare. It's easy to compare to other people, you know, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Alan:

And you know what's scary about that is you're comparing to something that you're not fully in or realizing. And that's the hardest part, I think, is you don't really know what people are like when you're not around, because we're all mirroring and matching each other. So I'm always talking about goals, dreams, contemplating the future, that kind of stuff, and I know that that's unique to me, but in the past I didn't, because everyone did that with me. Yeah, and I just want to make sure I circle back to that original thing about deep conversations.

Alan:

Emilia and I, at the beginning of our relationship, we were so blown away by how incredible it was to finally be with someone who enjoyed contemplation as much as we did. Contemplate yourself, contemplate the universe, contemplate business, contemplate the economy, contemplate psychology and neuroscience, contemplate everything. And we would have these deep conversations and for a long time we were super pumped about that. And years went by and it was. We don't have to track this at all. This is natural. As a matter of fact, this is too much.

Alan:

It got to the point where we were. It's almost like we spent for me the first 30 years, for her the first 25, without being able to contemplate with our intimate partner, and we used to say it all the time of how awesome is this, that we get to contemplate like this with the love of our life? We never had that before, not to this extent. I had a past partner who just didn't want to talk about anything vulnerable. They didn't want to talk about anything existential. Existential is a word that means like the meaning of life. What's the point of all this? I want to understand and this is something Kevin and I were joking about behind the scenes Last night. I was reading a brief history of time by Stephen Hawking to Emilia before bed and he's like you are such a weirdo in a playful way, but I had that moment last night, if we are so weird.

Kevin:

I basically was like don't you ever call me weird, sir? If you ever call me weird, I am not the problem here.

Alan:

Yeah, yeah yeah, but I can't imagine not caring about that. That's like the universe. You have to know the universe, how it works and all that I have to know. So, but the point of this is what was once unbelievable deep conversations, holy crap. This is like an overflowing cup. Now Eventually, we had to take that off the whiteboard. Yeah, too much, because it's too much. We don't need to focus on that. We don't need to. If anything, we need to dial that back and actually have me dates so that we spend time alone, so that we actually contemplate within our own consciousness instead of only through conversation all the time. And so, at the end of the day to bring this back to my next level, nugget, which of those four are you and are you overdoing it? You know, because I got to stop saying it. You know so many times. Those are the four I'm just going to give them auditory visual, auditory visual, kinesthetic and conversation when in doubt.

Alan:

Framework, when in doubt, teaching. You know it, man. I got to go back to the framework. That's a good framework, I would agree. You're kinesthetic, I'm conversation. So let's do stuff together and have conversations about it.

Kevin:

We do, let's do it together and we have conversations about this. This will be my extra, extra, extra next level nugget. Don't compare to a perspective, because that's really all we're doing. You see somebody on social media. That's a perspective, a created, catered perspective of what they want you to see. Everything is a perspective. If you don't know it at its full layers, you don't know it. You know pieces of it and you know perspectives of it. So that would be an extra next level nugget from me. We'll let people get back to their everyday lives. Interesting, different episode today. It's good. What did you think?

Alan:

I thought it was very interesting. I'm grateful for it, and I have one more thing that came up for me that it's all relative came up for me, and I hope that I make this land in a way that I never have before, because if you really grasp this, you'll never fall victim to low self-worth from comparison again. Old statement Cotton. If I'm reading a book right now called Same as Ever by Morgan House, when he talks about this, one principle of happiness comes when your life circumstances reaches your expectations. But the problem is is that our expectations increase faster than our circumstances, and so one of the things about Kevin and I is we grew up in environments that weren't, that were really challenging. I'll just leave it there. And so all of this success abundance is gravy for us, whereas if we grew up in mansions, would we even feel good about our success right now?

Alan:

I think about that all the time. I think about how grateful I am for running water. I think about how grateful I am for living with Emilia in this condo. I think about how grateful I am to have my own car and to wear clothes that I like and to be able to do this virtually and have a 30 second commute. I think about that all the time. But one of the reasons why I think that works is because of how tough my upbringing was, and I wonder if I would be able to be grateful for all of this if I grew up in an environment that was really, really, really positive, because it might be downhill from their type of thing.

Alan:

So don't allow your when I say it's all relative, going from, let's say, you're making a million dollars a year, are you going to be pumped for 800,000? No, no, you're probably going to be sad, but it's still 800,000 dollars a year. Make sure you're taking control of that because, no matter what, that's, the only way you can ever really be fulfilled and happy is when you're in control of your own comparison sets. And to Kevin's point, don't compare to someone else's performance, because that's what Morgan Household talks about social media. He said it's everyone's performances and don't compare your reality to someone else's performance. I mean, are you in love, yes or no? To what? Relative? To how in love I've ever been? Before Emilia, I had no idea I would have said, yeah, I'm in love, and now, no way I was in love, not compared to this, so it's all relative. You really can't know until you know, and if you don't know, now you know.

Kevin:

Oh, my goodness, isn't it wild that this whole episode started as do you feel like you're too much? And this is how I was gonna wrap it up. I think for a lot of people that conversation might be too much. If you just had that same conversation that Alan and I had about the world, or whatever you had that with certain people, they might say, like no man, you're too much, I don't wanna listen to that, you're too far out, no way. So that wraps it up nicely with a bow.

Kevin:

Next Level Nation. If you have not yet purchased your tickets to Next Level Live 2024, it is on March 23rd. It is in Groton, massachusetts. If you want to join us in person, we are having a catered lunch. Everybody that joins in person will be getting a free Next Level Dreamliner. If you want to join virtually from anywhere in the world, we're gonna be streaming live on Zoom. There'll be breakout rooms. It's gonna be amazing. Christina's gonna be writing the ship to make sure everything is good. So you can join us virtually as well. We'd love to have you. We'll have the link in the show notes. If you're local, a great opportunity to meet like-minded people. And if you're virtual, still a great opportunity to meet like-minded people, because that's why the breakout sessions are there. So link will be in the show notes, please join.

Alan:

No one likes to climb mountains alone. I'm showing the front of the Dreamliner on YouTube. No one wants to climb. At the top there's a star that represents your dreams. Everybody's climbing their own mountain. No one likes to climb a mountain alone. You do not have to. Please reach out to Kevin or myself. Alan at nexthelveluniverscom, kevin at nexthelveluniverscom we actually had someone a listener, reach out to both of us recently, so we love it. We appreciate it. And Kevin asked me earlier. He said where on that mountain are we right now? And I said right here in this hole. I was joking about it.

Kevin:

I thought it was much worse when you showed it. I thought it was like at the very, very, very, very, very beginning. Oh well, in reality, yeah, I would say that, but I thought it would be funnier to be in the chasm. Yeah, for me it's like come on, it's not where we are. We're not there yet.

Alan:

I would say we're about you know we're at about 2% of the journey Could be worse. No, probably less than that to be honest.

Kevin:

Okay, well, it is, then it is worse. See, you sold me high and then you took it away from me.

Alan:

Nothing worse than that. It's all relative. It's all relative.

Kevin:

Tomorrow for episode number ah, ace, ace has made an appearance.

Kevin:

Hi, buddy, tomorrow for episode number 1,627, self-sabotage. No, you're good, babe, you're good, don't worry. Self-sabotage and self-survival. I had an interesting thing happen today. I'm under a lot of pressure, I'm stressed out, blah, blah, blah, but it allowed for a little bit of a breakthrough, so I thought we could do an episode on that. I thought that would be valuable. So we'll do that tomorrow. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you, and at NLU we did honor fans. We have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow.

Alan:

Talk to you soon. Next level mission.

People on this episode

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Alan Lazaros

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Kevin Palmieri

Host