Next Level University

#1632 - A Powerful Question I Wish I Started Asking Earlier

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

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Have you ever wondered how today’s challenges will look like through the lens of your future self? In today’s episode, Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros talk about the wellspring of wisdom for those who seek to rise above adversity and embrace growth. It discusses the transformative power of reflection and the importance of asking ourselves what truly matters in our journey through life. With every tale of heartbreak and triumph, they encourage listeners to sift through the echoes of their own experiences and find the significance that will guide them to the next level.

Links mentioned:
Next Level Monthly Meet-up - https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/monthly-meetups/
Next Level Live - Saturday, March 23rd, 2024 (10:00 am to 4:30 pm) https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/next-level-live/

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NLU is more than just a podcast; we have many more resources to help you achieve your goals and dreams.

For more information, please check out our website at the link below. 👇

Website 💻  http://www.nextleveluniverse.com

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Alan: https://www.instagram.com/alazaros88/

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Email 💬
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Show notes:
(2:52) The Power of Asking: What truly matters?
(6:02) Duality of importance
(9:12) Mantra: Distinguish between fleeting and enduring concerns
(11:54) Transient externals, lasting internals
(13:05) At NLU, we want you to win! So, we’re giving you the tools and resources to ensure your success. Join our Monthly Meetup every first Thursday of the month at 6 PM. https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/monthly-meetups/
(14:13) The heaviness of life
(17:42) Clarity is superpower
(19:21) Buckets of adversity
(21:13) Turn pain into power: Keep it in perspective
(27:21) Outro

Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

Kevin:

Next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. We hope you enjoyed yesterday's episode, episode number 1631,. Emily is going to win, and here's why. Today, for episode number 1632, is that correct? Yeah, I think so. A powerful question. I wish I started asking earlier. So I was just at Allen's before this and I ended up leaving there at 7.15 and I had an hour and 15 minute ride home and before I left, allen said what episode are we going to do? And I said I don't know, man, I have no idea. And he said well, on the ride home, try to think of something. And I was trying pretty diligently to think of something and nothing was happening. I'm very tired. It's been a very, very long day. There wasn't much coming in, but I heard a song. A song came on the radio that reminded me of a time and I think it'll make a really good episode. Have you ever heard of the band Safety Suit?

Alan:

Negative, negative. I probably would recognize a song, but I don't know the band's name.

Kevin:

Yeah, I really wish I could sing one slash, play one, but if we played it, that's the whole thing. We could take it down.

Kevin:

Give me give us a little something. I literally couldn't if I tried. It's one of those. It's one of those, oh, my chair, it's one of those bands where, yeah, this is how it's going to go. It's one of those bands where, if you said, name five songs, I couldn't, but if you played five songs, I could probably sing them all along. It's just one of those, just one of those bands. Well, I heard one of their songs on the ride home and it brought me back to this time where I'll never forget this.

Kevin:

This was such a lonely, challenging moment. At the time. I was working in some school because at the time I was doing my weatherization job and more often than not, we worked in schools. That just was where most of our jobs were. So I was working in the school and we were putting weather stripping on one of these doors, these double doors that went outside, and I was listening to this band play and I was so distraught because I was kind of going through a breakup at the time. This was like my second real serious relationship and I remember hearing the song, thinking this is the worst day ever, this is never going to get any better and this is going to be my life forever. And then five months later that issue was gone completely.

Kevin:

Also, another time I was in a school working, and this was when Tara and I had first kind of connected. And I remember I sent her another song because we would listen to music pretty often, and it was a very sad song about feeling like I was spending my life on the road and feeling like I was kind of wasting my life. And she sent me a message and it was something along the lines of don't get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life. And we have that somewhere in the house. I don't know where it is, but that's something that at the time seemed like it was just inconsequential and of very little importance. That is still important to this day, because that is now my wife, nice.

Kevin:

So this, the powerful question I wish I started asking earlier, was is this going to matter in five minutes? Is this going to matter in five months? Is this going to matter in five years? Here's the challenging thing. It's really hard to know when you ask the question, because oftentimes it's the thing that it's not going to matter in five years that feels like it's going to, and other times it's the thing that only feels like it's going to matter for five minutes, that who knows what happens. You could very easily have a drink, get in the car to take a five minute ride and that five minutes could change the rest of your life. You never know you could spend something, or you could spend time doing something for five years and end up leaving it in five minutes, and then it might never come back to bite you in the butt. Maybe it's a job, maybe it's a relationship.

Kevin:

So, yes, I understand it's really challenging to do this, but when I'm looking back, a lot of the things that I thought were the end of the world. We always talk about how in high school and everything is Everything is the end of the world. I remember I had pit stains one time and somebody called me out. They said, oh, look at your pit stains, and at the time it was the biggest thing ever of all time. That actually was something I dealt with for years. It might seem like a five minute thing. When you go to the next class it's not that big of a deal. I got prescription deodorant. I used to never wear gray shirts. That is something that haunted me for years and years and years and years. So yeah, it's a question I wish I asked myself sooner. But I don't know if you really can until you have context of what matters to you.

Alan:

I remember when I was in college like you wrote about this recently before I went to my school, wpi I used to read and hear about the suicide rate all the time Because the tech schools that are really a lot of pressure. I never really realized this at the time. But when you're spending $50,000 a year to go to school and you fail a class, that's like I don't know five grand, six grand, and on top of that picture the pressure of letting your family down. And when I went I had financial aid and scholarships, fortunately, but they were academic-based. And I remember when I would fail a test.

Alan:

It was devastating, it was really really hard on me and I used to have to pull myself out of that and say is this really gonna matter that much in 10 years? But here's the weird thing, and this is where the duality comes in it does matter a lot if you fail the class or if you fail out of school. So everything matters a ton and not at all. It's like this weird thing, this episode matters a lot because if we miss this episode we will miss our streak of 1600 and 30. Imagine that it's like ah, we had a good run, 1600 and-.

Kevin:

Yeah, I told. When I was getting ready to leave Allen's I said I had a minute where I was so excited I'm gonna drive home, have dinner and go to sleep and then I realized we haven't recorded yet.

Alan:

We have to record an episode at nine o'clock at night.

Kevin:

This is gonna be a challenge, but that's the thing. This episode is gonna take us 15, 20 minutes to record. This would matter forever if we didn't do it. So just hold your breath for 15 minutes and do the episode, and you'll be grateful in five years that you did. But again, easier said than done, right.

Alan:

But when you fail a test or you're under pressure and you're under emotional distress, like when I used to fail if I failed a test, it would be so devastating and I used to get so down and I had to say, allen, this isn't even gonna matter, it's not that big a deal In the grand scheme of things. You fail the test, who cares? It's all good. But you also have to take things seriously. So it's that weird duality of everything matters but not everything matters equally, and bad things are not the end of the world, but good things also aren't like the end. All be all. You have a big month? Okay, congratulations. Time to try to have another big month. You lose a game? No big deal, there's always next year. It's that weird duality of everything matters but nothing matters All wrapped into one and you have to decide for yourself what's gonna matter to you and Emilia and I. When we first got together, we went to a wedding. She was one of her friends had a wedding and it was in Newport. It was beautiful and it was the first time I'd ever slow danced with her, so that was extra special and we had a blast. And there was this couple I've talked about and they did the thing on the dance floor that you've heard me talk about, kev, where they say if you've been together for a year, you know, stay on the dance floor. Anyone less than a year, leave the dance floor. Okay, five years, and then 10 years, and then 15 years and 20 years. This one couple that was sitting next to us was out there for more than 30. I wanna say it was 40 years, something like that. And, of course, emilia and I were curious because they were a lot of fun, they seemed really in love, and if you're still in love after 40 years, you've got some advice for us. So Emilia asked you know what's the trick, what's the secret? How did you guys do it? You know, as we aspired to that as well and the female in the relationship said everything that matters and nothing that doesn't. And that's been her and I mantra Wow, her and I's mantra for the last, coming up on five years, four and a half years In October it'll be five and everything that matters and nothing that does it. But here's the thing what does matter, what feels like it matters in the moment, is damn, we didn't go to the gym tonight, we walked instead. That's such a big deal. It feels like a big deal In the grand scheme of things. Is that gonna be that big a deal? And so you have to decide for you, and this is where core values come in, which is you mentioned this episode is about.

Alan:

Is this gonna matter in five minutes? Is this gonna matter in five days? Is this gonna matter in five weeks? Is this gonna matter in five months? Is this gonna matter in five years? And if it's not gonna matter in five years, should you concern yourself with it? The answer is yes and no, but to what level? If it's gonna matter in five years, maybe it deserves your emotional and mental attention more. If it's not gonna matter in five minutes, make sure you don't get too down about it. And then all of that is relative, based on your core values and your goals.

Kevin:

The scary thing is, I think one of a lot of us gets stuck. It's because we take something that we take something that and I'm putting should in quotes should only be a five minute thing and we carry it for five years, or something that we think is five minutes is actually five years. I was telling Alan this. So Alan lives in the town that we grew up in and I was gonna be early today and I kinda wanted to drive around. I wanted to drive around the town because there's certain places I haven't been in years and years and years At this point, not decades, but close, we're talking 15 years and I was driving around and when I got to Allen's I said it was so strange for me, driving by certain houses, knowing the people that grew up there, now looking back and realizing how much trauma they had when they were younger, yeah, and those things that they might've said.

Kevin:

Well, in five months, when I go off to college, this isn't gonna be affecting me anymore. That's a five year thing. That's a 50 year thing if you don't work through it. So this is why it's super challenging, because, I don't know, maybe it's the external things that we think are gonna shape us forever only last for five minutes, and maybe it's the internal things that we think aren't gonna matter in five minutes that stick around for five years, and that's why it's so challenging. Good Well said.

Alan:

No, that's good, that's a good distinction.

Kevin:

I think that's kind of the external.

Alan:

It's like you get the dopamine hit when you get the new car. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it only and yeah, maybe the car lasts for five years, but the dopamine hit only lasts for maybe five days or whatever. But the internal stuff, that something that happened in five minutes one fight, one physical altercation, one screaming match, one really bad argument with your partner can last. You can regret that for a lifetime. How scary is that.

Kevin:

Well, you and I were talking about something earlier. It's not an intimate relationship, but there's a relationship, and one of the people in the relationship came very close to what we call pressing the red button and just saying something in a relationship whether it's a friendship, an intimate relationship, a parent and child, whatever it is, business relationship, whatever it is but there are certain things that you just never say, because when you say them, you cannot put the stuff back in the box. It's out forever. And then it's up to how much can we work through this together? That might have seemed like it was a five minute thing. That is going to be a forever thing, and that is the heaviness of life. Unfortunately, that is why it's such a challenging thing.

Kevin:

This would be my next level nugget. Just start to try to practice this. At least be mindful of it. At least be mindful of am I ruminating on this? Because I think this is gonna be a five month thing, when, really, if I just sat with it for five minutes, it might go away. And then here's this would be part two. What happens to you either compounds or deflates, depending on what you do with what happens to you. Now, again, that's.

Alan:

I don't want to blink.

Kevin:

It's you get a, you get a speeding, you get pulled over and you get a speeding ticket and you think it's gonna be the worst thing in the world. But it's not the end of the world, it's not gonna matter. In five months Is your insurance gonna go up? Sure, but is it really that big of a deal? What's gonna go up? 20 bucks a month.

Alan:

But if you never speed again from that trauma and you're always tiptoeing under the speed limit by 10 miles an hour and now you're scared of other things, and now you're scared of cops, and now you're scared of that's fair. You see how it can compound.

Kevin:

Yeah, yeah, it really depends what you do with it. I don't, I don't. I just don't want it to be a blanket statement. Just because I understand anytime we're talking about trauma or anything like that. I don't want a blanket statement and say don't worry about it. I don't want it to be that. But I just think the awareness is important, the awareness is powerful, and if you started asking yourself, or maybe you started reflecting, that's where all this came from.

Kevin:

For me, just listening to a song, I remember that day. That was one of the heaviest days ever. It seemed like it was a day that was never gonna end and it seemed like it was a day that was gonna shape my life in so many different ways. When I'm working on this door listening to this sad music, just feeling so empty, just no motivations, depressed, and I yeah, it doesn't affect me at all anymore, but meeting Taryn and then having her say don't get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life. That's something that is in our home currently. That was a text message I received from her, I don't even know how many years ago. That is quite literally something in our home and that brought me back to a lot of our first initial conversations that didn't seem like they were gonna matter in five years, but now they're gonna matter forever. So that would be my next little nugget for this episode.

Alan:

Yeah, and even when you first met, you didn't know the, the implication, you didn't know the the weight of that.

Alan:

first, interaction, and that's the thing, I didn't know the weight of the DM that I sent to you. You live, are you in a relationship? And so you really never. It's like this weird thing where you don't fully know. So you have to treat everything with its do attention. But that's challenging and I I Don't even know if I know what advice I would give on that, necessarily other than Asking the question. That's it. If you ask the question of is this gonna matter in five years and the answer is it might matter a lot, okay, give it more attention. If it's, I probably won't matter at all. Give it less attention and try to focus your attention on things that are gonna be deeply meaningful. I mean, I didn't expect Everything that matters and nothing that doesn't to be our mantra five years later and so, yeah, it's really good contemplative episode. And Just like those tests, dude, those tests didn't matter that much, honestly. Oh, I graduated with high distinction. No one cares.

Kevin:

I did terrible in his car. I didn't do well in high school at all. You thought that was gonna be everything.

Alan:

I thought I was there, maybe, yeah, until.

Kevin:

I decided I was gonna go to college and I was like this doesn't matter at all.

Alan:

And that was very freeing.

Kevin:

That was very freeing, but again, a lot of this has to do with clarity. To clarity is clarity is a superpower to a degree. If you're clear, it's a lot easier to understand. This matters. This doesn't. Every job I left, I thought it was the end of the world. I always ended up finding other job.

Alan:

This is my next level nugget when bad things happen in life, whether they're. There's two, two ways that that Challenges happen in life. As far as I can tell, one of them is life Kind of stomps on you, and there's a lot of ways that can happen. You know, death of a loved one, really bad, unexpected injury One of one of the people I know was sitting at a stoplight doing nothing and a truck rammed into them and they had back problems for life. There's bad things happen, and so the first one is life happens to you.

Alan:

The second bucket of challenges, adversity. We'll call it adversity. I think the first type of adversity happens to you. The second bucket of adversity Is the adversity that comes from Setting big goals that are deeply meaningful, and so, for example, the college thing, when I fail a test and I'm under all the pressure and I feel like this is the end and it's awful. How do you make that matter? And the only thing I've ever come up with went with both of those, and I've had a lot of both of those, so I'll just speak for myself here. But adversity number one is life throws adversity at you. Father passed away at two when I was two, when he was 28 stepfather left at 14 Tons of others that I don't want to get into. The second type is having big goals and the challenges that come with that, and so anyone who has life that has kind of stomped on them I know many of our listeners feel that way and people who have big goals I know many of our listeners feel that way Expect the life that comes from the experience, and so I know many of our listeners feel that way. Expected adversity, adversity is expected.

Alan:

You and I had a hard day today, just a hard day, and the only. You used to say this all the time, kev. You used to say it's only failure if this is the end, if this is the last fitness show you do or this is the last podcast episode you do, and if you get the last speech you give, then yeah, you failed. But if it's not, there's a way to make those painful moments matter. You know there are some bullies growing up that were so Unbelievably poor or bad to me disrespectful. There's a, there's something I can do. If I let it drive me, I Can make it matter, and then the pain isn't just pain. At least the pain got transformed or transferred into something great, something meaningful, and I that's all I've ever been able to think of whenever, you know, I lost my uncle.

Alan:

I was at his funeral I Don't know how many months ago now, but I was sitting there in the church and it reminded me of it was, in many ways, my father's funeral 2.0 and I just was sitting there like how do we make, how do I make this, this life Matter more? What? What can we do with this? What? What can we do about this? And the answer always becomes live a more Magnificent life, try to try to live a more meaningful life. That's, that's all I could ever come up with. There's no, no one else, nothing else. When I, my dog died, got hit by a car at the top of the road. What do I do about this? There's nothing you can do. It happened and it sucks, and there's nothing about it that doesn't suck. There was nothing about that day that wasn't awful and for those of you who don't know the story, I have shared it in past episodes. My dog was in my arms, dead at the top of the road because I forgot to close the doggie door and there's nothing about that.

Alan:

That doesn't absolutely suck. It was horrible. But what can I do now? Like what now? And all I've ever been able to come up with is Go live a more meaningful life, try to find a way to turn this pain into power, and that's it. And, and I think that's what we all can do.

Alan:

And so, if it's not gonna matter in five minutes, don't let it haunt you, and if it is gonna matter in five minutes or five years, do something meaningful with it, because that's the only way all this junk, all this crap, all this pain and all this adversity is worth it. It's the only way is if you find a way to make it bring you to a higher place, even if it's just being more grateful or being more driven, or being smarter, or being harder working or being more Virtuous, or making better choices or whatever it is. So that's all, that's all I can ever do with adversity. I don't know what else to do with it, other than you either just sit there and let it crumble and crush you, or you say next test I'm gonna do better.

Alan:

Next time I'm gonna study more. Next time I'm gonna Surround myself with smarter people. Next time I'm gonna cheat off my neighbor. I'm kidding. Next time I'm gonna XYZ, right. So there is a way. There's a way to make it matter, and I think it's just keep going and or pivot, learn the lesson and pivot.

Kevin:

As you've said many times, the only wrong answers to do nothing, mm-hmm. And I definitely cheated in math class more than once to get by. Am I proud of that? No, am I ashamed of that? No, not really either, because I, you know, you gotta do a boy's gotta do what a boy's gotta do to get through.

Alan:

You cheat? I would say, you cheated off me, but you weren't in any of my math.

Kevin:

I was not in any advanced classes. No, no, honors classes for the kid I. I took honors. What did I take? I took one honors class with hutch government law. No, I don't think I took honors law. I don't know I'd have to. I don't know you were in my law class. I know that yeah. There was one honors class. Somehow I was in, I don't know why. Maybe it was the only way. It might have been law dude, it might have been law, I don't know why.

Alan:

I Was a try hard, so I took every honors course I could. Yeah, I was the opposite. I tried to take.

Kevin:

No honors courses and it was except for English, because I was like mm-hmm, yeah, I was good.

Alan:

Poetry. What are we doing here?

Kevin:

I'm gonna interpret you the summers Eve, though, art more lovely and more temperate, temperate, temperate. Whatever Next level nation. If you have not gotten your tickets for Next Level Live 2024, please do so, I believe, as of the time of this episode, we're 17 days out, 17 days, 18 days Awesome, if you come in person. We're doing a giveaway. We try to do a giveaway every year, so we're going to raffle off three things. Maybe four things, I don't know, but we're going to raffle off at least three things Super excited.

Kevin:

I'm going to be going, maybe this week, maybe this weekend, to do a little walkthrough of the venue, so I will make sure I get some content. But I know a lot of us are struggling to connect with people that are also into growth, and this is a really, really, really good opportunity to do that, whether it's virtual or in person. Very much to Alan's point, your growth is more in your control than you probably realize, and if you're thinking to yourself, I really wish I could meet more people and I really want to get to my own Next Level. This is a great opportunity to do it. Don't regret not doing it, because this is something that definitely can matter in five months and it definitely can matter in five years. So Link will be in the show notes. We would love to see you there.

Alan:

David McClellan I want to say is his name from Harvard University. Based on his research, 94% of your results in life come from your reference group, and your reference group is the people you spend the most time with. So if you're not around growth-minded people, if you're not around people trying to get to the Next Level, it's going to be very hard to stay motivated. One of the benefits of being in the NLU community is you're just around a lot of other motivated people. They track habits, they have goals, they set goals. It's very inspiring, so we hope you join us. Also, there's 30 people in person and there's three things we're raffling off. So that's pretty good odds. That's 10% chance that you win A bit of a numbers guy over there. Huh, pretty good odds, pretty good odds.

Kevin:

Yeah, I would say those are pretty good odds yeah, yeah.

Alan:

so we hope you join us. The link will be in the show notes 17 days out. Let's rock and roll. This is our very best curated stuff all in one day.

Kevin:

It's going to be awesome. It's going to be very nostalgic because this is where we gave our very first speech. My first speech was here. It's in a different room. We got the bigger, nicer room this time, but it'll be very nostalgic to go back there and I know there's going to be some people that were at the first event at this one, so that's going to be awesome.

Kevin:

Tomorrow, for episode number 1,633, what's your next unlock? When I got to Allen's today, I was talking about how I was driving around the town and I said when you move out of this town, I believe for you it's going to be a massive unlock. I don't know why. And he said I know I'm sure it's going to unlock something internally. No idea why, but every time I go it's like something more unlocks in me. So I figured that would be a good episode to do. So we'll do that tomorrow. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you, and at NLU we don't have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow.

Alan:

Keep it all in perspective. Thanks a lot.

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Alan Lazaros

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Kevin Palmieri

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