Next Level University

#1634 - Can Your Values Change?

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

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Have you ever stood at life’s crossroads, feeling the ground shift beneath your feet as the values you once clung to begin to morph? In today’s episode, Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros uncover the nuanced relationship between personal values and the bonds we share with others. This reexamination is not merely a phase but a profound journey that can lead to an alignment with our authentic selves. They peel back the layers on the transformative power of re-assessing long-held beliefs and how that process can be both unsettling and freeing. It’s a treasure trove of insights into the evolution of personal values and the profound effects these shifts have on our lives and relationships.

Links mentioned:
Next Level Monthly Meet-up - https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/monthly-meetups/
Next Level Live - Saturday, March 23rd, 2024 (10:00 am to 4:30 pm) https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/next-level-live/

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Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/neverquitkid/
Alan: https://www.instagram.com/alazaros88/

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Show notes:
(2:37) Evolving values
(5:02) Permission to prioritize
(6:51) ‘Me-dates’ and knowing-contemplating your core values
(9:33) At NLU, we want you to win! So, we’re giving you the tools and resources to ensure your success. Join our Monthly Meetup every first Thursday of the month at 6 PM. https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/monthly-meetups/
(10:54) A byproduct: Values and relationships
(16:04) Are you willing to humble yourself?
(17:11) The power of alignment
(19:10) Goals: Who we are and who we aspire to be
(21:32) Outro

Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

Kevin:

Next level nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. We hope you enjoyed yesterday's episode, episode number 1632, a powerful question I wish I started asking earlier. I lied to you, it was actually number 1633, what's your next unlock Gonna? Make sure you are all on your toes Today. For episode number 1634, can your values change?

Kevin:

When you're working with someone and when you're coaching someone, one of the most important things to understand is what do they value as a human being? Because if you don't understand what they value as a human being, it's really hard to effectively and with accuracy give them the opportunity to move in that direction. At a wonderful call I mentioned it a little bit in previous episode this week, but I had a wonderful call with someone and they said I don't know if I even wanna do what I'm doing anymore. I spent the last 10 years building my business and doing things like this in this arena and I don't know if I even wanna do it anymore. There's a piece of me that just wants to stop doing it completely. It's a scary place. It's a scary place. And I said that. I said Been there. Yeah, of course, I prefaced at the very beginning with this call, after this person said I need some logic, I just need a little bit of logic. After they vented, invented, invented, I said what are you actually looking for for me From me? What do you want me to do Again? Are you looking for a shoulder? Are you looking for strategy? What are you looking for? And they said honestly, I just think I need someone's outside, non-bias perspective. I said awesome.

Kevin:

I said, first of all, I would take absolutely nothing from this call and do anything with it this week. I would just sit with it and work through it on your own. Obviously, whatever perspective I have that you value, you can take. But I said, I think you're in a situation right now where a lot of what your values are are changing. Your values are just changing and you're valuing maybe you're valuing free time and freedom more than the quote, unquote success of being an entrepreneur. Maybe you're valuing family time and travel more than you ever have before, because maybe you've always valued it but you've been putting it off.

Kevin:

My early, early, early next level nugget in this episode is give yourself permission to change your values. Give yourself permission to value something more than you have in the past. Give yourself permission to value something less than you have in the past. Only you really know how much you value something. I've realized, alan, and again, I know this is not a super serious example, but I value mixed martial arts so so, so, very much. I don't ever want to go a Saturday, ever again, without not watching it. Now I'm not going to have the opportunity to do that it's going to happen, but I love it so much. I love it. I am just in love with it. When I look back, I have been somebody who has really been into it since longer than anybody. I know we're going to get you in the ring one of these days.

Kevin:

No, no no, too much. I took a. I told Taryn this, but we were I was at Jiu-Jitsu grappling over the weekend and I took a knee to the head and I got rocked. And it's been the first time since I got rocked. It feels good in a way, because you feel very alive when you're fighting through it. But yeah, I had to step out for a minute because I crawled to the corner, because I got rocked pretty badly.

Alan:

Oh no.

Kevin:

So now that I actually use this brain in the business, unfortunately I don't think it would make sense for me to do anything. So we're going to need you to stay sharp for any sort of combat.

Kevin:

But I've always loved it. It does something for me that it probably just doesn't for other people, just like I know people who love football. Their favorite day of the week is Sunday. They love having group text messages, they put their jersey on, they grill, and it's just one of their core values. One of the things that they value is they value football and sports and getting together in competition.

Kevin:

So my ultimate goal is that give yourself the permission to admit what your real values are. Maybe you just haven't yet. Maybe and this is a scary thought, I know, for many of us maybe family is just not that important to you, or maybe it's just not as important as fitness or growth or business or whatever it is. I think that's a really important thing to dig into. And last thing, before I kick it to you, alan, one of Teran's gratitudes to me recently was I'm grateful for your ability to ask for what you need.

Kevin:

One of my core values that I don't know if I ever really understood was distance. There's times where I really just want distance from other people and I want to do my own thing, and obviously I love my wife more than anything in the world but some nights I just want to be alone. And when I start feeling the need for that, when that value starts to feel unmet, that's when I say, hey, do you mind? I think tonight would be probably a good me night. She has the same core value. She's just not as good or as practiced as I am with trying to get that need met. So that's another kind of example of how it's changed for me over the years. That's something I would never ask for before, but as I've become more confident, as I've become more fulfilled in what I do, I don't necessarily need that as much from other people.

Alan:

There's. You asked me. Well, you talked to me behind the scenes about this episode. The me date is a great idea, by the way, so we implemented that in our relationship as well, we do one me date per week and we have it on the calendar.

Kevin:

I got that from you, I think so. I don't. I think so. Yeah, I don't take credit for that. I think I do. You were probably doing it before.

Alan:

You just didn't maybe call it that. But here's the thing and here's the question. Of course I'm gonna philosophize a little. Did Kevin always value me, dates but just not have the courage to ask his partner to do that? Or did that core value become more important over time? Or is it both? What? If it's both? And I think that's why this gets confusing, because a lot of people don't know their core values, a lot of people don't contemplate their core values.

Alan:

We do relationship talks, coaching. We've been doing it for three years and there's a lot of times core values that are in conflict. One partner cares about fitness 10 out of 10 and their other partner just doesn't care. That can be really hard. Emilia and I took a picture in the gym last night together and I one of my gratitudes last night was I'm so grateful that we go to the gym together. I remember having a relationship where it wasn't like that. It was always me coming home at late at night after the gym by myself and being able to not only work out with her but have someone who pushes me at the level she pushes me I never even thought was going to happen for me. And so, whether it's love, languages or core values.

Alan:

The idea is what do you value at a 10 out of 10? And if you want to know what someone values at a 10 out of 10, you have to look at their actions. Any time. All the listeners will know this. If I mentioned food or I'm eating something which I never am, kevin will always ask what are you, what do you get there? What are you snacking on? What are you eating there? He loves food. He'll always mention like what do you have for dinner? He'll always talk behind the scenes, front of the scenes, you name it. Loves food. Obsessed with food. That's okay. That's a core value. Food is a common core value that Kevin and I have for sure. When we travel together, we always need to know. You cannot not know. No, I need to know what we need to know, what we're having.

Kevin:

I already know I don't know yet, but I'm in the process of figuring out it's where we're recording this. On Wednesday there's a huge UFC on Saturday. I already kind of know what I'm going to eat and I'm planning every day around it and I'm under eating in certain regards, so I can actually do it. You know what it's comfort? Comfort to me is such an important core value. I don't want to have to think about it. I want to order UFC, I want to sit on the couch and I want to eat whatever I want. That's it.

Alan:

That's what I want, and whether it's food, whether it's fitness, whether it's family, whether it's movies, whether it's martial arts, football, if it's something that you value at level 10, you're going to have to honor that, and if you don't, you're going to feel unfulfilled. The other piece of this that I wanted to bring up do you and this is what I was contemplating with Kev a little bit before the episode do you have core values that change and evolve over time, or do you uncover them? Okay, give you an example. I used to drink. Did I value drinking or did I value the fun that came from drinking, or did I value the friendships that came from the fun of drinking? What was the real core value? And again, I don't necessarily know the answer, because I've not necessarily contemplated that question before this episode. But what I do know is that one of the reasons we get trapped in core values is because we created relationships based on them. So imagine some of my best friends growing up. Were we meant to be best friends? Or did we just grow up on the same street and we both liked Star Wars? Or did we just grow up on the same street and we both liked fishing because we both grew up on a lake and this is the piece that I really want to make land.

Alan:

Relationships always are a byproduct of mutual core values, whether we know it or not. I had a relationship in college where we would party. She would bring her college friends you know, she went to Worcester State and I went to WPI. I'd bring my college friends and we'd have these big parties. We'd have a blast. We always had a blast. The common core value was academics and it was fun and it was partying.

Alan:

When I got in that car accident at 26, my core values completely shifted. My core value, primary core value, became growth, personal development, self improvement. Hers didn't. After that it was way harder to make that relationship work. Everything I did and didn't do went through that filter. That core value of growth. Hers didn't. And she still had people over, she still wanted to party, she still had parties and all that kind of stuff, and that's all fine. I was there, I still went, but I wasn't fully there, I wasn't fully in, I didn't invite my friends. My friends were shifting, hers weren't. My core values were shifting, hers weren't. And one of the reasons why there's two things Either you have a core value and you're dialing it down to fit in or you don't have a core value and you're dialing it up to fit in.

Alan:

I remember one time when Emilia and I created our core values together. When we first got together, kevin called me out. We had our 10 commandments quote, unquote, 10 core values and now we narrowed it down to three but adventure was on the list and Kev was like dude, come on, man, like adventure. And he said it kinder than that. But the truth is I was scared to admit that I don't care. I don't care that much about adventure. I don't. I was scared to admit that to myself and to her because I was afraid she was going to freak out that she had a partner who doesn't want to adventure. It doesn't mean I won't adventure. It doesn't mean I won't be grateful we did. But I'm not going to plan adventures.

Alan:

I do like hiking mountains. I think that's been really cool and that's been really powerful. I love the journey. We did a five mile hike, a five hour hike, in two hours. That was cool. I think that's awesome and I we both nearly died playfully. The point is is that I value fitness 10 out of 10. She values fitness eight out of 10. She values adventures 10 out of 10. Let's go on adventures that challenge me. Fitness wise, there's always a way to integrate, but we don't integrate when we don't admit to ourselves the truth, and so are you dialing up core values that you don't really have. I pretended to like football. I never did. I was just too much of a coward to say this is stupid. I genuinely thought it was stupid. I still do. I'm just being me. Okay, if you like football I'm not trying to offend you. You might think movies are stupid, and I adore them. That's totally fine.

Kevin:

I've never met anybody who doesn't like movies. You ever met somebody who doesn't like music? I don't know. Does that even happen? Is it his? I don't even know. Is that possible?

Alan:

That's a great point. That's a great point, but but you, I don't like music as much as you do. You know that.

Kevin:

You do like, we like different music.

Alan:

Yeah, but you really like music a lot More than me I like movies more than you, but we both like them, right.

Alan:

So there's levels. It's a spectrum of zero to 10. And that's why the last thing I'd say here is are you dialing it down or up to fit in? Belonging is the number one core need of a human being. Are you dialing up growth to pretend that you like growth more than you do? You can't sustain it? Or are you dialing it down, pretending you don't like growth when you really do, trying to hang out with people who don't? I've been on both of those ends. I've been on one of those ends. And then the last question is what are your 10 out of 10? You gotta know your 10 out of 10.

Alan:

I'm an intellectual 10 out of 10. I adore it. I'm gonna read books for the rest of my life. Donald, a new book told Kevin about it earlier. It's called Super Connectors by Gregory McKee, and I'm pumped. I'm always asking Amelia, what books are you reading? What books are you reading? What books are you reading? What books are you buying? What are you doing? I'm an intellectual. I always have and always will be. If you hate books and personal growth and intellectual stuff, you're not gonna like me. That's okay, but I used to dial that down so that I could fit in with people that maybe in hindsight I shouldn't have fit in with.

Kevin:

Well, this is the hard thing. If one of your core values, or, I guess, if one of your core aspirations, conflicts with the core values you must adopt in order to get them, you're gonna be in trouble. Exactly, you're gonna be in trouble.

Alan:

I don't like books.

Kevin:

I'm not a fan. I read them, I listen to them. I don't read them, I listen to them. Nah, I don't wake up in the morning. Jones in for my next book. No, no, no, no, I don't wanna do it. I don't wanna do it, but I do know that's a necessary thing.

Alan:

Well, that's a great point. Do you have the humility to admit that your goals require you to do things outside of alignment with your core values? I'll give you an example. I don't like small talk a ton, but there are times when small talk builds relationships. That grows the business.

Alan:

And the question becomes am I willing to humble myself and swallow my pride and be willing to do that Because other people value it? And that's what we talked about earlier, kev, which is sometimes you have to swing outside of alignment with your core values a little bit. Yeah, yeah, but you don't wanna overdo it, cause if you build your relationships on imagine, my core values, growth, and I'm never willing ever to have any conversation outside of growth Okay, well, there goes a lot of opportunities to expand my consciousness in other things that people value. But if I constantly in pretending I'm not into growth and appeasing football when I'm not really fulfilled there, then I'm gonna create a bunch of relationships that are never fulfilling and then they're gonna break eventually anyway and that's gonna cause pain for everybody. So this is a great episode, man, appreciate it.

Kevin:

Yeah, yeah, it's different, it's different. And last thing, before we go, I wonder if I'm assuming there's a correlation between how far and how long you've stayed outside of alignment with your core values and then how stuck to the ones that you have now are. So if you've been 10 out of 10 out of alignment, you're probably super, super, super stubborn about sticking in a line versus. I have no problem watching a football game with someone if they want, but I haven't really been that far outside of alignment at times. In a way, I've never really had to pretend to be somebody that I wasn't. So think about that. That would be another next level nugget.

Kevin:

If you were to reflect on your past, how often were you pretending to be something you were not? You're dialing something down or dialing something up. Do you think that has something to do with why you're so focused on being authentic now? And how is that potentially holding you back? Just to Alan's point, I'm not saying don't be authentic, but one of my core values is being on time. If I never worked with anybody who is not on time, I would be alone forever. I'd be a lot, I wouldn't a great.

Alan:

I wouldn't be working with.

Kevin:

Alan I when there was an interview I was gonna be on this week and I wait five minutes. If I'm in the room for five minutes and you don't show up, I just go to the next thing because, over the hundreds and hundreds of episodes I've Guessed it on, usually when people are five minutes behind lines got crossed, they're not showing up, so I just go do my next thing. The person emailed me six minutes and I and I saw it later and I message and I explained am I missing opportunities by not waiting longer? Absolutely yeah, for sure, for sure. But even the five minutes for me was outside of.

Kevin:

That was outside of my comfort zone. I wanted it to be a minute, but I also know not everybody's as focused as I am on time, so I was a minute late to this today.

Alan:

Well, this is where goals come in.

Alan:

Yeah if you have goals that require, let's say, kevin needs to go on a certain number of shows per year in order to hit his goals, that Core value needs to move slightly.

Alan:

Now, in this case, I don't think it does, because you're good, but you see how, when you have a goal and this is what coaching is it's either you need to Realize that you have to go more outside of alignment a little bit with what's comfortable or what's natural or what's a core value In order to achieve your goal, or you have to adjust the goal. If you want to achieve level 10 success and you don't want to work hard, you're never gonna win that game. You're gonna lose forever. It's just not a thing, and and you can either shift and Learn to learn to love working harder, or you can lower the goal or change the goal. It's so important to make sure our goals are aligned with who we aspire to be. Who we are and who we aspire to be Needs to be in alignment with the goals we set, because otherwise we're gonna be either Unfulfilled and successful or we're gonna be fulfilled and unsuccessful.

Kevin:

Yeah, yeah, this is a good one. I'm glad we did this. I enjoyed this episode very much. Next level nation. If you are looking to get to your unique next level, please purchase your ticket for next level live 2024, whether it's virtual or in person. We are super excited. The day is coming very quickly. We're working on the stuff behind the scenes. I'm gonna go to the venue at some point. We already ordered a bunch of different stuff. I chose the menu and all that happy jazz.

Alan:

So please got the dreamliners in the mail. Nice, I'm a whole box, big box, whole box of dream We'll be giving those out to everybody who attends live.

Kevin:

So link will be in the show notes and then tonight, if you're listening to this. On Thursday we have a next level monthly meetup. Alan, quickly, what is it on?

Alan:

Meetup number 27. Three powerful questions to ask yourself to get to the next, jeff nice that should go swimmingly. Three powerful questions to ask yourself to get to the next level. Questions of the answer.

Kevin:

Questions are the answer, and that is how we've gotten to where we are, because we ask ourselves an answer. A lot of challenging questions. All right, tomorrow for episode number one thousand six hundred thirty five, it's freestyle Friday. I have an idea, but I don't really have an idea because if I do, it's not a freestyle. So make sure you tune in for that. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you and at NLU either fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow.

Alan:

Get clear on those core values next up on nation.

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Alan Lazaros

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Kevin Palmieri

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