Next Level University
Confidence, mindset, relationships, limiting beliefs, family, goals, consistency, self-worth, and success are at the core of hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros' heart-driven, no-nonsense approach to holistic self-improvement. This transformative, 7 day per week podcast is focused on helping dream chasers who have been struggling to achieve their goals and are seeking community, consistency and answers. If you've ever asked yourself "How do I get to the next level in my life", we're here for you!
Our goal at NLU is to help you uncover the habits to build unshakable confidence, cultivate a powerful mindset, nurture meaningful relationships, overcome limiting beliefs, create an amazing family life, set and achieve transformative goals, embrace consistency, recognize your self-worth, and ultimately create the fulfillment and success you desire. Let's level up your health, wealth and love!
Next Level University
#1635 - Freestyle Friday - Why Do We Have To Feel Pain Before We Change?
When we think about the journey to success, we often imagine a smooth, linear path leading to our dreams. However, the road to achievement is typically fraught with adversity, shaping us into more robust, resilient individuals. In this episode, Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros delve into the complexities of personal growth and how our most significant challenges can turn into invaluable lessons. Also, they explore life's confusing paradoxes and the importance of recognizing them. It's often through embracing these contradictions that we find clarity and direction, transforming what could be moments of failure or misunderstanding into opportunities for growth and understanding.
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For more information, please check out our website at the link below. 👇
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Show notes:
(2:09) Positive pressure is important
(7:17) Two types of adversity
(8:21) Adversity enriches existence
(12:18) Striving not arriving
(15:05) At NLU, we want you to win! So, we're giving you the tools and resources to ensure your success. Join our Monthly Meetup every first Thursday of the month at 6 PM. https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/monthly-meetups/
(15:55) Paradox: Survival strategy
(21:49) Embracing life's paradoxes for success
(28:53) Outro
Next level nation. Welcome back to another episode of next level university, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. We hope you enjoyed yesterday's episode, episode number 1634. Can your values change today? For episode number 1635, it is free style Friday, as you know Freestyle Friday. We don't have a title for it because I don't know what it's gonna be yet. It's gonna be based on our conversation right now and we're just gonna kind of see what happens.
Speaker 1:You and I were talking right before the sound. We were talking about how you and I both wish that we could change without pain, faster, without pain, and I was on a podcast the other day and I was talking about how. One of the questions was what is the one of the one of the lessons you've learned from doing as many episodes as you have? And I said everybody has adversity. Even the people who don't think they have adversity. That's usually their adversity.
Speaker 1:I had someone say to me one time I feel guilty. I Feel guilty struggling because my childhood was sunshine or rainbows compared to yours, and I said I understand that. I understand what you're saying, but, with all due respect, that's the dumbest shit I've ever heard and I, I, I didn't meant it with in a loving way of like dude, you should be grateful, be very grateful for the childhood you had. That's amazing. But Just understand that sometimes the lack of adversity is actually adversity, because now you're thinking, well, I didn't have to grind it out and I didn't have to. I didn't have to have thick skin or whatever it is, I didn't have to go without, whatever it may be.
Speaker 1:So I'm not, I'm not lessening it. Trust me, if you had a great childhood, awesome. If you are guilty about that, that's something to work through. So I'm not, I'm not lessening that. But before this episode we were talking about how we wish you could change without pain and how I just don't think that's ever really a thing. Yeah, and If it was a thing, you'd never really it. What a weird life it would be if one bad thing happened to you and then you just change your life forever and then nothing else ever went wrong, ever.
Speaker 1:Yeah it's almost like you'd never. How would you learn lessons that way? I don't know if you could ever learn lessons that way. Some of the most powerful lessons I've ever learned are based on moments that I wish I didn't have. Same, and I just think that's kind of the way. That's kind of the way it's set up. I think the universe, the worlds, everything, success, fulfillment, all that is just set up in a weird way where it's usually If you want something you don't have, there's usually some sort of toll you have to pay.
Speaker 1:Is that toll pain? I'm not saying that. Is that toll resistance? I'm not necessarily saying that. It's probably something that you don't necessarily want. It's probably something that you go to us, you go to a restaurant and you get the meal you want and it comes with some sort of side dish that you don't like. Well, I really want this, but is there any way I can get it without that? Well, no, that's. I mean, that's kind of how we make it. We make it with these vegetables. Do you want or not? Yeah, I'll have it. I'll just eat around the vegetables.
Speaker 1:I think that's kind of how success is. Some things are gonna come with it that you don't want. Unfortunately, it's just up to you to decide how much of those things you don't want, how much of those you're you're willing to put up with and Kind of go from there. That's very much the, I think the frame I've been in based on All the stuff that we have going on. A lot of that it comes with Things that you don't necessarily want, but I think those things, as long as they're constructive, are good for you. I think positive pressure is important and I don't know if you can change without it. So I would say, lean into it if you can.
Speaker 2:I wrote a blog recently about my struggles. It was the five s's of success sacrifice, struggle, suffering, success. And then the last one, sustain, which you came up with. Great cuz you Realized you've achieved many of your dreams and then you're like oh, now.
Speaker 1:I got a sustain just as hard I got a sustain.
Speaker 2:That's like oh, I bought my dream home. Oh, that's a hell of a mortgage.
Speaker 2:Huh, so, and everything is like that, by the way, you know, I found my dream partner, emilia, over the moon beyond my wildest dreams, quite frankly and she's the hardest working person I've said that many times in the show that I've ever met and sometimes that can be challenging in ways I never expected, but here's the key it's better than the alternative. Emilia will always say I'm so thankful that you're so grateful for me. And I always say it's because I know what the opposite is. I had a relationship that was just so not good In comparison. And here's the the philosophical question if I didn't, would I appreciate Emilia as much?
Speaker 1:Probably not.
Speaker 2:I had a past partner who was not ambitious, was not hard-working, was actually quite lazy, and it was so unbelievably difficult for me to be myself and To coexist with this person. Now a lot of that is on me. I Take ownership for that. But when Emilia is working late or we have a ton to get done on a Sunday when I just want to relax, I remember that. I Remember being in a relationship where the other person didn't want to get anything done and I felt like we were going nowhere fast and that's not fulfilling.
Speaker 2:Everyone has to find their own sort of Level of adversity. There's two. I talked about this recently on the podcast. There's two types of adversity. There's the adversity that life throws at you. That's a lot of childhood, because childhood you didn't choose where you grew up. You didn't choose your parents. You didn't choose what town you were born in. You didn't choose what country would you were born in. You didn't choose your culture, your ethnicity or your, your genetic background. You didn't choose your, your genetics. All that stuff was pre determined.
Speaker 2:But when you're born now you start making choices and eventually you become an adult. And when you're an adult you really start making choices and you have to remember that the two types of adversity. The first one is life throws a lot at you and then you choose how to respond to it. But the second type of adversity is the adversity from climbing tall mountains. The second type of type of adversity is the adversity that comes from choosing in advance to do something great. A Lot of people want to be a mother. Think about the level of adversity that comes with that. One dream Can any of us even imagine, unless we're mothers?
Speaker 2:You try to imagine nine months, bodies completely different. At least nine months Depending, and then after that, sleepless nights, and Then after that, right so, but it's awesome to have that dream. What are you gonna do? Not have kids, and that's an option to. By the way, for anyone who doesn't want to have kids, that's an option to the road up the road.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Although you've considered adopting, I know so we'll see. But if that's your dream, you're not gonna be fulfilled not doing it but but you're gonna hate when the adversity is coming, because that's human nature and I think it's freeing Kev, I do. I think it's freeing to be like, wow, this sucks and that's okay. I just think there's something freeing about that having a kid. I think there's a duality, I think there's the. This is my dream and this is what I wanted, and I know what the opposite is, which is settling for less than my dreams, but this still kind of sucks. I just feel like that's I have Home.
Speaker 2:Now I've achieved so many my dreams, the relationship of my dreams. We have adorable pets, but there was a time when we got our third pet, tiger Lily, when I was like this is the worst, this is ridiculous. It wasn't that bad. I know I'm probably being dramatic, but it felt like terrible, honestly. And I had this one tea kettle moment I called a tea kettle moment where I just like nah, I just it's like the pressure cooker and you just move the little thing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's, yeah, you know, but it up and I was like I knew this was gonna happen, right, I had one of those, but I wasn't at anyone, it wasn't at Emilia, it was just like in the house. Can knew this was gonna happen, right, and what is this right? What is this? This is, I'm massively interrupted throughout every one of my mornings because we have, you know, I, three pets that are sometimes obnoxious, and, again, I know that's nothing compared to children. Here's my point it is impossible to live a fulfilling life without adversity, and I think that it's impossible to grow without adversity, and so adversities get thrown at us and Adversities come. Actually, bigger adversities come when you set big goals. But the alternative and this is what gets me through is the alternative is worse.
Speaker 2:Some people think life is supposed to be easy, and when it's hard, they think something's wrong. I think life is supposed to be fairly terrible, and when it's not terrible, I think that's awesome. And I know I'm playful with that, but I'm not kidding. Life is not supposed to be Butterflies and rainbows it. It genuinely isn't. We're hunters and gatherers, were 200,000 year old brains. We have a lot of technologies and comforts, particularly in certain countries, but at the end of the day, we used to have to hunt and gather our food. Now we can like, click and have something delivered to our door it's. I just like to keep that perspective. I love to keep the perspective of All. Of this is awesome. I have a 30-second commute. I'm talking to Kevin through the internet, through the waves, the waves the world through the world through technologies and yes, our adversities are tough.
Speaker 2:Yes, 14-hour days are tough. Yes, we have challenges and problems, like everyone, but it's much better than the alternative, which is sitting on the couch feeling sorry for yourself, doing a whole lot of nothing, not growing, not learning, not striving. I choose striving, I always have and I always will, and I am convinced that the human Condition is unfulfilling without some striving. Everyone has a different level of striving, everyone has a different type of striving, everyone has unique striving, but I do believe that striving, not arriving, is actually where fulfillment and growth and contribution is, and I do believe that that's why a lot of people who retire early end up really miserable. You can hear these people's stories. There's interviews where people talk about how, after I retired or after that person retired, they really went downhill. There's only two ways to keep your mind and your body sharp and strong, and that's to climb.
Speaker 1:You do like pain more than most people. In fairness, I'll give you that like. I'm all for a challenging life, but I don't want it to be terrible.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean? I don't know if I like pain. I would say I would say there's, there's a part of me that Likes to challenge myself. Yeah, and I have a question. Yeah.
Speaker 1:I have a question for you. This is a. This is a two-minute question. You get a two-minute answer. That's a challenge. I gotta keep you on the. I gotta keep you on the rails here on these freestyle Fridays. Freestyle Fridays are turning into Alan Fridays. When's the last time that you got your mind blown? You heard something, you learned something, you read something, you discovered something that made you Quit. I don't want to say question everything, but it was wow, interesting. I never really thought of that.
Speaker 2:I would say there's small ones all the time. They're more iterative.
Speaker 1:What's it? What's the most notable one? I have one, if you want me to say it while you think internal family systems always comes up.
Speaker 2:For me, internal family systems is a therapy modality where we all have different parts. You'll notice I talk from parts, so you're actually having a conversation with six people. I'm kidding, but I'll always say there's a part of me that blank. You notice how I say that that's called speaking from parts and you can look up internal family systems, the the. The shortest version of it is inside out the Pixar movie and how there's emotions and there's disgust and sadness and Joy and all these different emotions. Very cool movie, very important. Very hyper conscious movie. Hyper conscious.
Speaker 2:And there's a second one coming out, by the way, which I'm pumped about. But the point is is that there's a part of me that actually Does like pain, and that is the sicko part that you're referring to. But that's not all of me. There's another part of me that I refer to as little Alan, that doesn't like pain at all and Kind of gets mad at that other part when I never get to watch movies and eat snacks. And so that would be the answer. What about you? I?
Speaker 1:Was talking to you about some strange YouTube videos I was watching. I was watching just videos about paradoxes and just weird stuff. I just came across one and I love that stuff that's that's hyper conscious and a nutshell, and one of the ones was I'm gonna butcher it, I sent it to you so you can watch it. I'm gonna butcher it. But it was a riddle where, if so, say there is, how does it go? There's a hundred prisoners and there's this room that has a hundred boxes and each box has a number in it and the in the room Holds every box and it goes from one to a hundred. So, open a box, it has the number one. You open another is two, so forth, so on.
Speaker 1:The way the riddle is set up is if you, if the prisoners all go into the room and they're all able to locate their number Without talking about it, they can't talk about it. You get 50 shots. You can open 50 boxes and you have to find your number. You can open 50 boxes and you have to find your number. If all the prisoners get their number, they're all released. If 99 out of 100 get their number but one doesn't, they all get executed.
Speaker 1:And the riddle was what's the best strategy for them to do it. And I was thinking like I don't know every other box, every third box, every fourth box, and what they found, and again, who is they I don't know is you open the box that has your number? So let's just say I'm number nine, prisoner. I go to the number nine box and I open it and it's number 47. I go open box number 47. And then in 47 box it has the number 12. I go to box 12. They said statistically that was the best way to do it, because the numbers create a cycle and a cycle has to have an open and a close and if the cycle is less than 50 numbers, every person would get their number, which the chances of that are like 66% right, Something like that.
Speaker 2:No 30. 30%, that it's less than 50?
Speaker 1:30% 30%, 30%, but statistically that's the best way to do it Because that's the highest probability you've got of survival. That's the highest probability. Then the thing that really blew my mind is they said this would be the same strategy if there was a thousand boxes, if there was 10,000 boxes, if there was a million boxes, if there was a billion boxes, but the percentage of non-death in this case would be lower and lower and lower and lower.
Speaker 1:Three less than you think, Percentage like 0.1, 0.2. Really, Because you get to open. If there's a thousand, you get to open 500 boxes.
Speaker 2:If there's a million, you get to open.
Speaker 1:That shouldn't change the percentage almost at all.
Speaker 2:It goes down a little bit, it would go down a lot if you could only do 50 boxes still, well, you'd be dead for sure. No, not for sure.
Speaker 1:But you know, I would bet.
Speaker 2:With a thousand boxes. If it was 30%, with 100, it would be 3%.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm not taking my chances on that son.
Speaker 2:No, that's not a great odds.
Speaker 1:But that blew my mind Because in my I had an idea. I was like, yeah, probably every other box maybe Seems good. And then when they said that, I said never in a million, trillion, gazillion years would I ever have come up with that. If you gave me 500 guesses, I would never have gotten there, ever, ever. Because I don't know what you're talking about.
Speaker 2:Well, you would if you studied game theory.
Speaker 1:Well, I know someone who has studied game theory. I've studied a little bit of game theory. You know what I mean, but not enough for that. I'm no expert. I don't know anything. If anybody asked me what game theory is, I would say it's the theory of game.
Speaker 2:Game theory is Game theory is the theory of game theory Is a lot of things in a nutshell too. Okay, how do I know there are a lot of things in a nutshell, definitely we got to go soon.
Speaker 1:I know we got to pump the brakes. Don't take it easy now. We don't need the. You don't know how to quickness. Okay, the good good.
Speaker 2:Yeah, ask me earlier. I'm gonna read this verbatim, and okay.
Speaker 1:So this is how we know we're going off the rails, friends she said what a nice word that is verbatim. I love that word. It's good one. Yeah, is that is that of what's Latin?
Speaker 2:probably so. I made it myself All right. Thank you, love. This is her thanking me, so this is her text. Thank you, love. I am on the prowl for resources to help me understand the mathematical ratios formula for successful businesses, for example, understanding the principles between budgets, economies of scale, growth To revenue ratios, and wondering if these, if there are principles that are applied to the most successful businesses in history From a formulaic standpoint that I could take into consideration as I rebuild, evolve. So that was the question. What she's asking for is what would I recommend? Detailed question.
Speaker 2:Yeah yeah, she's amazing. I said my so. This is my response. My truth is that until you read the, until you read and thoroughly understand all of the principles in the Jim Collins books, then that's the best resources to build a company. Otherwise, it's more a matter of studying systems thinking, game theory, strategic decision-making, constraint theory, chaos theory and all of those meta sciences, and then amalgamating them into Growing and scaling your business.
Speaker 2:The problem is that a lot of what most people are teaching is either outdated or just flat out wrong. I'd much rather you study first principles like game theory or formulaic decision-making rather than any fundamental business book, except for Jim Collins works. Those, I do believe, are rooted in universal truths that do still apply almost 100% in the 21st century and across all industries, with a few nuance differences, of course, since selling personal growth is like Is like clawing out your own eyes. I'm being playful, but the truth of the matter isn't for our listeners. Why did I bring all that up? These, these fundamental truths you can study, and that's really what science is. Science is that thing that you just mentioned paradoxes, which is the best, best thing ever.
Speaker 2:I sent Emilia all of the videos that you sent me and for the listeners. A paradox is a duality. It's a if I focus on fulfillment, success will come. It's a paradox.
Speaker 1:You can't use the word in its own definition, son. I didn't. Well, I know we use it in a sentence after. It's like it's a. It's two pieces of bread with peanut butter and jelly between it. It's a peanut butter and jelly. Yeah, no, no, I know that you told me what it was done.
Speaker 2:That was a powerful pause.
Speaker 1:I don't we're gonna go.
Speaker 2:So a Paradox is and I think that have we really got to think a lot about what we share on the show in terms of paradoxes, because I think it's gonna change people's lives. When you focus on your mission, for example, your purpose, your calling, I think the person's places, things and ideas Come into your life. So, for example, when you and Taryn met, you were on your mission. You didn't know you were, but you were Fair.
Speaker 2:If you focused on relationships, that might not have worked versus your relationship being a byproduct of your own pursuit of fulfillment. That's a pair.
Speaker 1:I have a good paradox. I have a good example, simpler, thank you. And then we have to go. Then we have to go. There is a barber and this barber lives in a village and the barber only Cuts the hair of the people who don't cut their own hair. If the barber Cuts his own hair, could he possibly be the barber?
Speaker 2:Wait, say that one more time.
Speaker 1:There's a barber in a village, the barber only cuts the hair of the people who don't cut their own hair. But if the barber cut his own hair, could he be the barber? It's paradox. Yeah, no, no, because he couldn't cut his own hair, but he also cuts his own hair, cuts his own hair. So how? How would that ever?
Speaker 2:work. It's like a catch 22 yeah yeah, that's I think it's important to and I know we got a jump it's important to understand the paradoxes of life because and that's why I was so pumped when you told me you were studying paradoxes You'll notice.
Speaker 1:I don't know if I'd say studying. I don't know if I don't know if taking an edible and laying in bed watching YouTube videos. You know I'm not taking notes or anything but I am into it.
Speaker 2:I would say that studying so when Kevin Was watching paradox very well in your.
Speaker 1:I would do very well in your class. Yeah, that's, that's right.
Speaker 2:And I was. I asked Kev several days later Please send me those videos. And I sent them all to Emilia. But one of the reasons we fail in life seriously, this would be the last next level nugget I'll give is Because everything's so paradoxical. That's one of the reasons we fail. If you focus on fitness, you might, it's okay. This is a weird one, kev, I'll go quick with it. Okay, it's a weird one. But when you're making love and you focus on trying to come for females okay, I know, I know, for females it's it's less likely to happen. It's a paradox, whereas if you actually focused on Making love and giving to your other partner, being in the moment and being present, it's more likely to happen.
Speaker 2:So I think a lot of life comes down to paradoxes that we don't understand and we wonder why we're unfulfilled and unsuccessful. So that's all I have. I know that was a interesting example. I just didn't see.
Speaker 1:I just didn't see that one coming. That one came right out of left field. I think about it. Stuff. It's important. I thought you were gonna say something about a barber in a village and you come. You come with love making. I Support it. I support it. I just wasn't ready for it. It's true, though. Yeah, that's a good example. It's just a bit of a surprise, that is, I've been reading a book, listening to a book. It is called come together by Emily Nagoski. Emily Nagoski wrote Come as you are great, great books if you're in a relationship. The tower and I are reading it together right now as we speak. It's a wonderful book, all about intimacy and Accelerators and breaks, and just it's awesome. It's a really good book. So I would, I would recommend that, and that's one of the things that Emily talks about yes, I, yeah, yes, paradox we can make it.
Speaker 1:It's a paradox I still like the barber cutting his own hair, but you, I.
Speaker 2:Kind of feel the other one test that out, another podcast. You and I are very different and very similar. Ah, is that a paradox? Though it's a duality, I would say Okay.
Speaker 1:I might have to do my research to see if you're correct on the definition. For yourself, fridays are good. I get a real you in them. I'm sure I gotta keep an eye on you because I don't know, when we don't know what we're gonna talk about. I don't know what we're gonna talk about, you know?
Speaker 2:I mean, let us know if you liked this, if you enjoyed this.
Speaker 1:Yeah, please let us know if you absolutely hated it.
Speaker 2:Please keep it to yourself. Yeah, email me or kevown at next level universe comm. Kevin at next level universe comm spelt just like it sounds.
Speaker 1:I Enjoy these, because it does remind me of the old days. Same, I think it's just nice to have a conversation about growth Without necessarily a okay, we're gonna do this and we're gonna do this. Yeah, my chair still Haven't had time to get a new one. We're gonna do this, we're gonna do this, we're gonna do this. I think it's just good to freestyle. So if you do enjoy it, if you do enjoy it, please let us know.
Speaker 1:All right, if you have not gotten your tickets to next level live yet, we are, I don't know, 15 days out, if you're listening to this, because it's two weeks in a day. So, virtual as well as in person, we'd love to have you in person, if you're local, it's gonna be awesome. There's something about being in a room With other people who are just super into growth. The meals gonna be awesome. You're gonna get a next level dreamliner included in the price of admission. So please join us in person if you're local. Virtual is gonna be amazing too, because we're gonna break out sessions and then we have another round of group coaching starting when is it April 9th?
Speaker 2:April 9th the link will be in the show notes. Team of like-minded, humble, grateful, like-minded people. I Always say think about back in the day when you're on a sports team. Think about how ignited, how engaged, how motivated you were. A lot Of people think when I ask in coaching, like when were you the most dialed in? When we the most in shape, when we the most on point? A lot of times people point to when they were on a sports team.
Speaker 2:That's what we're trying to recreate with group coaching. It's really something special when you can get a group of like-minded people all working and harmonizing toward common goals. Obviously it's individual goals, but that's the idea. So, 90 days, 10 like-minded people, tracking habits and being consistent. If you really want a Mario Kart booster to achieve your dreams in 2024, group coaching is the way. Click the link in the show notes. The promo code is NLU listener. So type in NLU listener. You get 30% off. It comes to less than $97 per month for the three month program. You can pay all up front or you can pay month to month.
Speaker 1:Tomorrow, for episode number 1,636, we are going to talk about resentment. Somebody on the team had a really powerful frame for resentment that they had learned and I, right after they said it, I said we're gonna have to do an episode on that. That's gonna be super, super powerful episode. So we will do that tomorrow. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you and an NLU. You don't have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow. Talk soon Next up on nation.
