Next Level University
Confidence, mindset, relationships, limiting beliefs, family, goals, consistency, self-worth, and success are at the core of hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros' heart-driven, no-nonsense approach to holistic self-improvement. This transformative, 7 day per week podcast is focused on helping dream chasers who have been struggling to achieve their goals and are seeking community, consistency and answers. If you've ever asked yourself "How do I get to the next level in my life", we're here for you!
Our goal at NLU is to help you uncover the habits to build unshakable confidence, cultivate a powerful mindset, nurture meaningful relationships, overcome limiting beliefs, create an amazing family life, set and achieve transformative goals, embrace consistency, recognize your self-worth, and ultimately create the fulfillment and success you desire. Let's level up your health, wealth and love!
Next Level University
#1636 - Is Resentment Building In Your Relationship?
Have you ever found yourself simmering with resentment because it felt like you’re the only one in your relationship balancing the scales of fairness? A delicate balance must be maintained in intimate relationships to foster harmony and contentment. Yet, often lurking beneath the surface of even the strongest bonds are sinister threads of resentment entwined with the unyielding pursuit of fairness. In today’s episode, Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros dive deep into this convoluted interplay, providing invaluable insights into the emotional turmoil that can plague personal connections. It is a call to introspection and action, inviting listeners to redefine our approach to conflict and harmony in our relationships.
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Show notes:
(2:32) Perceived ungranted permission
(4:45) Resentment builds when...
(10:26) At NLU, we want you to win! So, we’re giving you the tools and resources to ensure your success. Join our Monthly Meetup every first Thursday of the month at 6 PM. https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/monthly-meetups/
(11:21) Navigating envy and resentment constructively
(13:27) Constructive or destructive
(17:04) Emotions are signals
(18:55) Outro
Next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. We hope you enjoyed our latest episode. It was episode number 1635, freestyle Friday. Why do we have to feel pain before we change? I don't know why I read it like that. It didn't really sound like a question the way I read it, but it's supposed to be. Hey, that was a very good one. We got some really good feedback on that episode. Alan talked about orgasms, which is always good, and we talked about what else did we talk about?
Speaker 2:I had a breakthrough thought about that really quickly.
Speaker 2:Okay, let's start the episode with that, and again, I don't want to overly do this. Statistically speaking, males are trying to last in making love and females are trying to orgasm while the males last. It's called paradoxical intention. If your intention as a man is to last, you end up over focusing on it and then you might orgasm too early. And with females it's the opposite If you're trying to orgasm, you might not orgasm. So that was an interesting thought that I had of yin and yang, male and female. I thought that was kind of fascinating.
Speaker 1:I'm sure the team will be grateful that we started the episode off that way.
Speaker 2:I expect we got a message on the team Many positive comments, but they were laughing.
Speaker 1:Speaking of the team. That is where we came with this topic. So we were on the team huddle that we have every other Wednesday and shout out to Amy. Amy shared this. There was some vulnerable sharing going on the team and I guess the moral of the story, or the direction of the story, was somebody who was struggling a little bit because they felt like they were doing way more than just carrying their weight around the house. They were carrying their weight and what seemed like everybody else's and Amy said well there's, I read this or I heard this somewhere.
Speaker 1:I don't know where it is or where I found it, but it was about the fact that resentment really builds in a relationship, or one of the ways it builds in a relationship is when one person feels like the other person has permission that they don't. So maybe a good example of that would be let's say, you and your partner live together and you're responsible for keeping the living room clean and your partner is responsible for keeping the bedroom clean. But since you don't spend that much time in the bedroom, it doesn't really matter how clean it is. You go to sleep in it every night, but you don't really spend any other time there, but you do spend a lot of time in the living room. An argument could come up from hey, I noticed you haven't really been holding up your end of the bargain when it comes to keeping the living room clean. You might start to resent your partner because they're not keeping the bedroom clean, but it doesn't really matter, because maybe one thing is you don't value it, or the second thing is nobody ever goes in the room, so it's not that big of a deal If you feel like they have permission to let something go that you don't. That could be a way to build resentment.
Speaker 1:And again, I don't know where it came from. Amy heard it and it made a lot of sense and I think it's definitely. Whether you're in a relationship or not. I'm sure this is probably something that happens a lot with siblings. I was an only child, but I can imagine well, why do they get to go to the dance and I don't. That's not fair. I can imagine that probably creates resentment too. Definitely.
Speaker 2:I remember Emilia. She talks about how her brother was allowed to do things that she wasn't allowed to do because she was female, and there's a lot of resentment around that kind of stuff of men getting to do things women can't type of stuff, and I'm not going to go down that rabbit hole, but I think that can also build resentment for sure. So I wrote this down Resentment builds when the other person has permission to do things that we don't, but what I would add is permission to do things that we value. I shared this story on the team huddle about back in 20. I think it was December of 2019 or January of 2020.
Speaker 2:But it was the very last live event that we did before COVID and the videographer at the event. It was this big venue and the videographer at the event. There was two seats in the front row that was missing, and he said, hey, can you and Emilia go sit there? And this is actually back when Emilia and I first started dating, and so the videographer asked me to go sit in the front. And so Kev is manning for lack of better phrasing, the laptop in the back and the presentation, the PowerPoint, making sure that things don't go astray, timer.
Speaker 1:I was in a lot of stuff. Timer was doing it all.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah. And he thought I was hanging out kissy face with Emilia in the front, being able to do something that he couldn't do. And later on that week you and I had a discussion about it and you expressed some frustrations about how you had to basically take care of everything, while I got to just enjoy myself. Yes, yes, little did you know.
Speaker 1:I was asked to sit there for the video, so the video came out better.
Speaker 2:It's not nice, it's not great to have two empty seats right in the front, but I think that's a good example of resentment that can build is. And one more example came up for me, too, in a past relationship. I was an early entrepreneur, podcasting with you, kev, and this other person, whether conscious or subconscious, definitely had resentment for the fact that I got to make my own schedule. But here's the interesting part this person was starting a YouTube channel and we had our own YouTube channel and we get to do our own thing. We get to make our own schedule. We were entrepreneurs. I didn't have to go to work, I didn't have to punch a time card, I didn't have to work Monday through Friday, nine to five, that kind of thing, and there was definitely some resentment around that. And then there was also some well, why can't you do XYZ? Because you don't have to work? You ever get that it's like well, you make your own schedule.
Speaker 1:Why can't you be?
Speaker 2:there. So not only both situations are very similar. Kev had no idea that I was actually doing something that was best for the team and for the event, and he was building resentment unconsciously, maybe consciously.
Speaker 1:I was conscious, I was conscious.
Speaker 2:And then this other person is building resentment, thinking that I get to do XYZ, but what about all the stuff underneath it that you don't want, the pressure, the sales, the not having health benefits, the not having the safety net, type of thing. So I think a lot of resentment is actually built on ignorance, and ignorance I would define as not knowing. A lot of resentment is built on not knowing. You don't really know what that other person is going through or what. We've talked on this podcast a lot about someone who shows up in a nice car or has a nice house or whatever insert thing you're enviable of oh, it must be nice. Well, do you really know what comes with that? Do you really know what they had to do to create that?
Speaker 2:I talk about that a lot in the latest blog, blog number 15, when it comes to sacrifice, struggle, suffer, success and sustain, because there were times in my life where I used my graduation as an example. My mom hung all my awards at my graduation party and everybody was celebrating me and I appreciate it. I mean it was an awesome party, but all I could think I remember thinking like this is an awesome day and Maybe there's some resentment of oh, I wish I could Be there, I wish I could go to a great school and I wish I could make six figures and I wish I could Insert whatever. But I remember thinking on that day Okay, I'm going to my dream college, I got the president's award, so I got straight A's in high school, I got a bunch of awards at the high school award ceremony and, and I got enough scholarships and financial aid to go to one of the best tech schools in the world. And I remember thinking to myself at that grad party no one else really knows what it took To create that and I doubt they would do that trade if they actually knew.
Speaker 2:And so I think a lot of resentment Not all, not all, but a lot of resentment is just not really putting yourself in the behind the scenes of that other person's life. And If you do that and you so, for example, if you want a podcast, we have a top 100 show and 1600 episodes and we're heard in 170 countries more than that now and we make our own schedule, quote-unquote. That is unbelievable and that is our dream and that is enviable. But what it took to get here, there's no way that you would ever build stay stay here and stay here, stay here.
Speaker 1:I think staying here is harder than getting here.
Speaker 2:Honestly, it's all another episode. Yeah, we'll do an episode on that, we'll do an episode on that. But what if? What if a lot of the villainizing that people do of other people? That's the question I would ask myself and all the listeners what if any villainizing you ever do of others? What if some of that villainizing is actually just low awareness? You see someone in shape and you think, oh, it must be nice to have such great genetics. Well, what if they diet all the time behind the scenes? And what if they're constantly hungry? And what if they work out an hour and a half a day and it's, you know, at 5 am, when you can't see? And I just think that that's Really important for everyone to myself included, think about is Is my resentment helping me? Where am I being resented by others? And where could I communicate with my partner, with my business partner, with my friends? What's really underneath this that they would never be envious of? I?
Speaker 1:Would argue that the more, the more Polarizing you are, the more you probably get resentment. If you check off a lot of the boxes, because it's it's. I think resentment is almost a form of jealousy at times Jealousy, envy, whatever. I don't know the difference between jealousy and envy. I used to think jealousy was negative and he wasn't, but I don't know if that's true. Maybe I'll have to look up the definitions, but I think they're the same. I think they're synonymous.
Speaker 1:But I'm not sure, I think so as well. I don't think I used to, but I think that's kind of a piece. I'm jealous that you have permission to do something.
Speaker 2:I don't do you think I know this is a side danger but do you think jealousy and envy are a bad thing?
Speaker 1:I think they can be. It depends on what you do with it. I used to think jealousy was negative. I Used to think jealousy was I want to take what you have, and I used to think envy was I would like to create what you have for myself. But I think I probably made that up. I don't know if that's there's any basis in the definitions. I don't know. I don't want to be jealous. I don't want to have to take from you to get what I want. I think envy. But is it envy one of the seven deadly sins? I don't know anything about that. It is. It is, but I'd have to do more research is what I would say.
Speaker 2:Well, you and I have talked on this podcast about, and envy and resentment are very similar, because, if you think about it, it's You're building resentment because someone else has something that your envy, envious of. You wish that you had the permission to be that way too. One good example would be Emilia talks about how Females have trouble regulating their their body temperature changes more frequently than males and so, unfortunately and I didn't know this because I didn't have a reason to, I guess, or never studied it or never learned it but she wanted to control the thermostat because sometimes she's really really hot and then sometimes she's really really cold and my, I'm like pretty steady, I just want to keep it on a certain temp and unfortunately, actually in a lot of houses, apparently Males have no concept of that whatsoever and they just control the thermostat, that kind of thing, but anyways. So Resentment and envy is it's not a Good or bad thing. It's either constructive or destructive.
Speaker 2:If you're envious that I'm I Don't know a good speaker, charismatic, or whatever. There's two ways to. You can either build resentment and villainize me, or you can have reverence and learn how I do it, but isn't that in being inspired by right?
Speaker 1:I don't, so that's I think. I think jealousy and envy probably are statistically more negative than positive. That would be my argument, not argument, but you know, that's what I would say, because I think that suggests that it's not positive when if you see a nice car and that's what you value, or you see an amazing relationship or your dream wedding or whatever it is, and it inspires you and I think there's a belief component in there.
Speaker 2:Can you be inspired without any envy?
Speaker 1:I don't think that's yeah, I think so, if you believe you can do it. I think jealousy and envy come from must be nice suggesting I could never do it where inspiration is. Oh, that's good for that person. I can also do that too. It's a great point. But again, I don't know.
Speaker 1:I we haven't explored Words since we used to do small talks, or you should just pick a word and do entire episode on it. So today's episode brought to you by envy, envy and resentment. Well, we'll have to do a part too, because we I got a call in a minute so we got to hop off in a minute. But my next level nugget would just be ask yourself that question Next time you feel resentment, next time you feel jealousy, next time you feel envy, next time you feel comparison. Is it because the person that you feel that towards has some sort of quote-unquote permission that you don't? They get to do something that you wish you got to do, or they get to do something and they don't realize that their expectations of you are Are conflicting with that?
Speaker 1:The example I originally used if there's a an argument for lack of better phrasing, for the fact that the living room is not clean, but the bedroom is not clean. Obviously, there's a conversation that has to happen in that moment where you say well, I understand, I understand the living room is my responsibility and that's what we agree to, but the bedroom is your responsibility and that's always a mess too. I just never say anything about it because I don't necessarily value it at the level you do. I wish you didn't value the living room like I didn't value the bedroom, because we wouldn't be having this conversation. That and when you get to that level, I think you can have a really open and honest conversation about it, because at least now all the the cards are out on the table, so to speak. So I'll be my next little nugget.
Speaker 2:Mine would be where is resentment building? Why is resentment building? And then what are you gonna do about it? And Particularly from the frame of, I know you went to, like, intimate relationships and then I went to business partnerships. But I think, with people in general, relationships in general, whether it's envy, jealousy or resentment, I think All emotions are a signal trying to tell you something and I think the lesson in envy, jealousy or resentment is I Also want that. Yep, I also want that. I want a life where I can XYZ, but then you have to dig under the WYX that created the XYZ. I Know I used X twice and say what?
Speaker 1:what's happening here?
Speaker 2:but Just be more holistic in understanding where you have resentment, because you might resent the good stuff but not actually want any of the bad, any of the Challenging stuff underneath that iceberg, so to speak. So hopefully that all makes sense. But why are you resentful and how can you use that constructively to improve your own life? Very hyper conscious episode next level nation.
Speaker 1:If you have not yet got your tickets for next level live 2024, we are getting closer and closer by the day, virtual and or in person. We'll have the link in the show notes tomorrow for episode number 1637. Sometimes we are the problem. I saw a post recently and I'll make sure I give credit to the person who I saw it from and it inspired me to do an episode on this and it hopefully will not be the direct answer and it hopefully will not be the direction you think. Hopefully it'll be a pleasant surprise. So that's tomorrow. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you, and at NLU we don't have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow.
Speaker 2:Stay hyper conscious. Next level nation you.
