Next Level University

#1637 - Sometimes WE Are The Problem…

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

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Navigating the depths of self-discovery can often lead us through some of life's most tumultuous storms. It's a journey marked by moments of vulnerability, self-reflection, and, ultimately, personal responsibility. In this episode, Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros engage in an intimate discussion that unveils the transformative power of embracing these aspects of life, particularly in the face of adversity. This topic will serve as a reminder that what we go through today might be something we're grateful for in the future. It's about finding a silver lining amid adversity, about learning from the lows to build a stronger, more resilient self.

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Next Level Live - Saturday, March 23rd, 2024 (10:00 am to 4:30 pm)
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Show notes:
(1:39) The power of taking personal responsibility
(4:42) Results, Role, Responsibility
(10:07) Action ≠ Identity
(12:55) At NLU, we want you to win! So, we're giving you the tools and resources to ensure your success. Join our Monthly Meetup every first Thursday of the month at 6 pm. https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/monthly-meetups/
(13:55) Taking responsibility and vulnerability in relationships
(17:42) Silent suffering struggle
(25:54) Outro

Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

Kevin:

Next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. We hope you enjoyed yesterday's episode. Episode number 1636 is resentment building in your relationship. Today, for episode number 1637, sometimes we are the problem.

Kevin:

I shared a little bit about this in the meetup, but I was on a podcast the other day and in my bio it says some people find rock bottom. Other people or I had the misfortune of finding out that rock bottom has a basement and the person was interviewing me said it's not funny that you went through it, but I really like the way that's phrased. Can you walk us through your rock bottom and then your rock bottom basement? And I talked about how my rock bottom moment was when my girlfriend and I at the time moved in together. We got a place together from the outside looking in, I was the most quote unquote successful. I had just competed in a bodybuilding show. My girlfriend was a model, I was making good money All the things that you could quote unquote want and she ended up leaving me. And when she left me my bills doubled because we were paying the bills together and work got really slow. So I was thinking to myself I have no idea how I'm going to do this. I have no clue how I'm going to do this, to the point where my landlord said he was going to take my ex to court if I missed any payments. And I said that's not going to happen, we're going to be fine, I'll figure it out.

Kevin:

But when she left, I would like to say I was so mature and I was so centered as a man that I accepted full responsibility and said, ah yeah, she wasn't getting what she needs for me and I probably dropped the ball. That's not the case. No, no, no, no. When she first left, I probably said, ah, you're lost, girl, you're lost. What are you even thinking? How dare you do that? How dare you? And I probably had a list of reasons like oh, you know, it was for the best anyway, because she was this and she was this, and she was this and she was this.

Kevin:

So when I was on the podcast, the person who was interviewing me said well, it kind of sounds like she didn't really give you a chance to change, or she didn't give you a chance to improve, or she didn't give you a chance to work through it and I said honestly I'm just telling as much of the story as I can in the limited time I have. I was the problem. I had my own junk I had to work through. I had my own issues I had to work through. Did she, did she take a level of responsibility? Yes, but I would say I take at least 50%, if not more.

Kevin:

That can be empowering. It can be empowering to say you know what? Yeah, that's on me. You know what? The reason my last dream chasing venture didn't work is because I didn't put enough effort in. Yeah, that's on me. The reason my last relationship didn't work? Because I didn't do the things I said I was going to do. That's on me. The reason my last the diet didn't work I didn't stick to it. I didn't do what I knew I was supposed to do. I kept letting myself down. That's on me. I want this to be from a place of empowerment, not a place of beat yourself up, especially if your default setting is to beat yourself up. But it is empowering to take responsibility for something you should take responsibility for, because if you don't take responsibility, you don't have any control over that thing in the future. That is my goal for this episode today.

Alan:

Personal responsibility is the most empowering thing, but it's also, in some ways, the hardest. I have a pyramid framework that I use in my coaching, where, at the very top, I'm very nasally today.

Kevin:

I was going to say you sound like a grown ass man. If I close my eyes, I probably wouldn't even know it was you. I hit puberty overnight. Congratulations, thank you. Thank you, it's been a long time coming.

Alan:

So the pyramid at the top has results, and then it has in the middle role. What role do you have to play? And then the bottom is responsibility. And so you have a result that you want. You want to lose X amount of weight, you want to have a great relationship, you want to build a business, you want to start a podcast, whatever it is, insert whatever goal, have a great career. The first part is responsibility. So you have to take responsibility first for everything that comes with that, and we've done an episode a while back on this and I was talking to you about this last night. This idea of I picture a mountain and I picture the top of the mountain is what you want, and Then the, the Beautiful views along the way that you get to see are what you love. But there's certain things that you hate. So it's it's the want, love, hate framework. And so you want a great body you love maybe.

Alan:

Cheeseburgers yeah, you love cheeseburgers.

Alan:

I do you love? Maybe you do love exercise, maybe you love hit training, maybe you love weight training Maybe not always, but maybe. And then what you hate is dieting. So for me I'll just use me as an example I want a great physique, I love exercising Not always, but I would say I'm on the high end of loving exercising, compared to most people, weight training in particular but I hate dieting, hate it, absolutely hate it. So I think that everything in life comes down to what we want, forces us to take responsibility. So, for example, kevin, the situation with your ex. I Want to articulate in a very practical way why it's beneficial for you to take that responsibility, and I think that, in a way, you couldn't take responsibility when you were in it because you were already so sad.

Alan:

It's almost like you were protecting yourself from the truth of that and you had to kind of villainize or she's crazy or whatever you said. I don't know if you said those words, but you kind of have to protect yourself. When you're already down and out and you're already at rock bottom, the last thing that you want to do is beat yourself up on top of that, and so I think a lot of people end up perpetuating rock bottom and get themselves stuck in the mud because they aren't taking responsibility for their part in it. Even though my last relationship wasn't great, I do take responsibility constantly for the fact that I was choosing that. I'm not even mad at her, I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at myself for not and playfully behind the scenes, I'm a little bit better kev for not being more honest with me. He's like I tried to tell you man. But the point is is Underneath all of it, I really am just mad at myself. I I made a poor choice. I Knew better and did nothing about it. I let my fears win. I didn't have the courage to speak up enough. I Didn't have the courage to leave. I went back after I left. That's all decisions that I made.

Alan:

Can I really blame everyone else and everything else. And underneath that, from a practical perspective, why is it not useful to blame other things? The reason it's not useful is because if you honestly convince yourself that it wasn't you, then there's nothing you can do about it, because if it wasn't you, there's nothing you can change. There's nothing you will change. If you're convinced that you lost your job or you lost that relationship because of someone else and it had nothing to do with you whatsoever, you're not going to go to work on the thing that could improve. Now, can I guarantee that you have 100% probability of achieving your dreams? No, but I can guarantee that your probability of achieving your goals and dreams is much higher if you take responsibility.

Alan:

And one of the things that I try to look for, particularly with NLUT members, but just people that I allow into my life allow is probably the wrong word, people that I aspire to be around is a better phrasing is how much responsibility do they take? How much personal responsibility do they take? Or are they always passing blame Like oh, that wasn't me, that wasn't on me, that was that person, that was that person. And I think that underneath all that and this is where the empathy piece comes in.

Alan:

If you don't believe in yourself, taking responsibility is just painful. There's no benefit, because when you take responsibility, the value of taking responsibility is now you can do something about it. But if you don't believe you can do anything about it, if you don't believe you can change your personality, or you don't believe you can get smarter, or you don't believe you can get stronger, or you don't believe you can make better choices, or you don't believe that you're good enough, or whatever it is, taking responsibility is just going to be okay. Not only am I stuck, but now I also am blaming myself for being stuck. And then what?

Kevin:

There's a big difference between taking ownership for something you did and taking ownership from something you think is an identity level thing that you are. There's a big difference, see, that's why I think it was so hard for me at the time, because it wasn't something I did, it was who I was, it wasn't who you thought you were, it's who.

Kevin:

I thought I was, and I was in such a low, dark place that a lot of that was right. A lot of what she said was right. It wasn't that we were fighting, it wasn't that we were arguing, it was the fact that I just was a shell of myself. I was just struggling. I was just struggling and I was an empty cup and I didn't have anything to give and I was not trending in any specific. I'll say I wasn't trending in the correct direction at least, but I also understand that might sound cold. Somebody left you when you were down and out. It's like, yeah, but what was she supposed to do? Stick around and try to fix me? I don't know.

Alan:

She didn't sign up for that necessarily so, and is that her responsibility?

Kevin:

I think in part it can be if you decide. If you decide, you want it to be your responsibility but it doesn't have to be.

Alan:

But her fixing you is not a responsibility that I think she should take on, because if that's the case, then that can create a whole codependent thing going on, yeah yeah, it was the right.

Kevin:

It was definitely the right choice, for sure, at the time. What did you think, though? At the time, I thought all the things I villainized for sure, yeah, at the time, I villainized because I didn't. I took it very personally, because it wasn't something I did, it was who I was, or who I thought I was. I took it personally, and I think that's what made me the saddest. Was it made me question who's ever going to love me? Who's ever going to love Kevin? How could I, how could anybody love me? How could anybody love me?

Kevin:

After this, the depths that I've gotten to, how could anybody ever love me? That was the hardest part for me, but that faded in time when I started. I think there's a part of it where, when you're down, sometimes you just want to stay down and feel it. At least, that's it for me. Sometimes, when I'm sad, I just want to be sad for a while. I'm okay with it.

Kevin:

I just like let me be sad for a minute, and I think that was probably like a month where I was just down, just down and out, and then after that, it was like all right, it's time to emerge from this cave, and I started meeting people and I started going out and I started hanging out with my friends more and work picked up and I got super busy and then, if anything, I learned a lot about myself and that became the new foundation for whatever the next thing was going to be. So in retrospect, that's the hard thing is that what you're going through right now might quite literally be something you say you're grateful for in two years but, you don't know in the moment.

Kevin:

If you knew in the moment, it would be like a cheat code. You never have to worry about anything, but I guess you can just try to figure out what is the positive in. If there's 99 negatives, can you just find one positive, one potential positive? That's. That would be my next level nugget. I guess it's not super connected to the topic. It is, but it's not. And then the other.

Kevin:

This is the, the other thing I would say if you, by default, tend to beat yourself up, what I think we try to do is we try to go so far to the other end where we don't ever beat ourselves up. What I'm saying is just admit what's real. Don't beat yourself up. If you don't make a mistake, if your default setting is no matter what I do, I'm never good enough. Obviously, we're gonna continue working on that, okay, cool. But when you do make a mistake, don't delude yourself into thinking you didn't, because that doesn't actually help you build the muscles To take responsibility. The best way to learn how to take responsibility is start by taking responsibility on small things that you can handle small things.

Alan:

What is someone's responsibility in your opinion? Like what? What is there? Oh? Was your responsibility in that versus hers.

Kevin:

My responsibility is to to meet my own needs, but my responsibility is to I Think my responsibility is to do the best I can with what I have and if I'm struggling and there's a person that I'm in a relationship with, to talk to them about it and and just put it out there and get an idea of how they feel and how they're feeling when I'm going through it and then Re-engaging from there. Last night it's been. It's been a rough week, it's been a rough year. Honestly, everything's acute.

Kevin:

Everything's good 2024 has been tough it's been heavy.

Kevin:

It's been heavy. So I told Taryn last night we were, I had finished, she had just gotten home and I said sometimes I feel bad, that when I'm overwhelmed my natural tendency is to like go be alone. I Just sometimes I feel bad because I know I'm not thinking about what you need in that moment. And we had a really good conversation and we ended up spending time together. But I said but sometimes that's just what I need, I just need to be alone. That's just how I I Process. And she said no, I want, I always want you to do what you need, but it was just an important thing for me to own that because I just want to make sure that she understands that it's not, it's not her thing, it's just that's how I, that's just how I operate. I like to be alone, I like to think. This morning I woke up at 3 30 on a Saturday by accident. I was watching old YouTube videos of us. Like that's how I nice.

Kevin:

I go to nostalgia Ville and that's kind of how I I heal. So I don't know. I don't know if I have a good answer to the question. I think my responsibility is to stay in alignment with what I say I want to the best of my ability, and when I feel myself drifting out of alignment I asked the people around me For help. It's not your responsibility to ask me how I'm doing. It's my responsibility to say, hey, man, can we chat about something? But I also understand that takes a lot of courage. So it's not an easy. It's not an easy answer for sure.

Alan:

And then the question underneath that. I know we we got a jump, but the question underneath that is why is it so hard to share that when you're down? Why is it so hard to? It's embarrassing.

Kevin:

It's embarrassing, depending on what you're going through, if you, if you, just that's got to be one of humanity's biggest problems.

Alan:

Right there I was, one of my clients audio'd me, showed up to this client You'll know who I'm referring to if you're listening but I had a client who audio'd me and said that statistically she was doing research that men in America in particular but I think this is probably any any large economy they don't feel like they can share their struggles. And she said something along the lines of and this is based on actual research. My regurgitation of it is not so keep that in mind, please Men suffer because they don't think they should suffer and then they don't share the suffering, so they suffer in silence and then they end up suicidal. And when she audioed me it actually reminded me of you when you were saying that you had that moment where it's like I don't wanna do this anymore.

Alan:

I think that it's almost like we have this belief that we're not supposed to suffer, and when we are suffering we don't wanna share that, because then we look like we're less than, and that perpetuates it, makes it even worse. It's a whole thing, especially, and I think, with men, it's our pride that just gets bigger than itself.

Kevin:

Well, someone's gotta go first. That's the hard part. Somebody has to go first in the relationship, the vulnerability. I think one of the reasons it doesn't happen is because somebody has to initiate it. A tennis match somebody has to serve, but if nobody serves, you just stand on opposite ends of the court and nothing happens. Somebody has to go first and when somebody goes first, it gives unconscious permission to the other person to go Maybe not to the same degree, but that's why I think you and I worked together so well is because you probably were vulnerable with me at the beginning. You were probably vulnerable with me before. I was vulnerable with you and then it was like oh okay, I can talk about that with Alan. I'm never gonna get made fun of for crying in front of Alan. That that's why you and I have such a unique bond. We cry together all the time. That's like nothing.

Kevin:

I didn't even think about it. I cried yesterday in front of you, I think Not 24 hours ago. On the huddle a little bit, well, and a little bit yesterday, when you and I were talking behind the scenes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Alan:

That's gotta be one of the most detrimental things in the entire world is just not wanting to ever be seen down Like. It's not okay to not be okay. That's gotta be so detrimental? There's no way that's. I mean, I have a little bit of that, even being, I say, on my way to well-being. I'm a little sick, obviously you can hear my nasally. It's just I want to be dialed in. I wanna be better, I wanna be capable, I wanna be strong, I wanna be on point. But sometimes you have to temporarily lower your standards and that sucks. It sucks. I messaged you today. I said dude, struggle, bus.

Alan:

Not going to be on time. No chance, nope. And obviously we love being up more than we love being down, but I also know that the ops are created by what you learn in the downs, and so the last thing I'll share here is I used to have this funny graphic that I'll always go back to. I sent to my executive admin back in the day, shado Tamey, and she was really down and she was in a really dark place and I drew her. A little part of this was drawing her this on Zoom, just to cheer her up. The other part was it was really practical and essentially I drew her down in the deep dark hole. It was a little stick figure and me at the top saying, hey, everything's going to be okay. You're going to the tools and the skills that you develop trying to climb out of this hole are also going to build a skyscraper. And then on the right side of the image, there's a skyscraper next to Amy, and then she's shouting back to me saying, hey, thank you so much for believing in me when I was down, and I always say that these, you can think of every rock bottom moment in your past. You can too, kev, and you can think of how bad that was. Remember when I first failed my first class at college. I wasted five grand, didn't have any money, brutal. And I found a way to not only survive that but then thrive after, and I think that's what builds you into a strong, well-rounded human being. I don't think you can.

Alan:

I always talk about the three movies. The first movie is, you know, award ceremony, no struggle, no struggle, no struggle, all success, bigger award ceremony at the end, terrible movie. And then you've got the second movie, which is struggle bus, struggle bus, struggle, bus, trauma, trauma, trauma, tragedy, tragedy, tragedy. And then at the end it's still struggle bus, tragedy, no success. And then the narrative that we love as human beings books, movies, you name it is the hero's journey, which is rags to riches, which is make something of yourself through trials and tribulations. And when you're in the trials and tribulations it doesn't stop sucking, it does just kind of suck, but when you're in it you can kind of go. Okay, how do I make the most of this? How do I have an attitude of gratitude within the suffering, within the struggle bus? And then and then, how do I climb out of this? And my, what I learned climbing out of this.

Alan:

So I have one client who climbed out of debt and now he knows finance. Why? Why does he know finance? Does he know finance because he took some course? Or does he know finance because he went 50 grand into debt and then got to rock bottom and realized I'm screwed and I have to climb out of this hole? And now he's doing very well. He's going to buy a home. You learn after rock bottom. That's where most of the growth is, and I wish I do, I genuinely do. I'm Mr Try to Proactively Learn. I'm with it. But I think there's certain things you can't learn without rock bottom.

Kevin:

We talked about that One of the episodes prior this week, I don't remember which one, it was Alright. Last thing before we go, I put up an Instagram story. This is kind of across the board. My Instagram stories that are the saddest. I usually get the most love Because I think people can resonate with that. When I bought my new car, I got love for sure. Not as much as when I say, hey, I'm having a shitty day and I'm just. I'd rather just admit it, then pretend. I tried to do a video the other day. I had my phone up and I was like I'm going to do something inspirational. I tried like three times, I just didn't have it. I didn't have it. So that's the video I did. I wanted to do something powerful. I got nothing that. I searched for a lot of things and I thought If you could pick up a part of, or I could pick up a part of something a lot.

Alan:

I wanted to do a video about it.

Kevin:

ThatViPi Knight one day two as a shorts.

Alan:

Is it like 3 days out of the?

Kevin:

movie votes. I said Two days after this Each πα largest pri knives.

Alan:

I said have me have you got a lost me and we be жить just watching this. This is locked up, determinant. And it turns out that the Bridehood times where, because she's been doing this awesome detox thing, so she's been up and down physically, energy wise, and I was like, oh wow, I can't match your energy at all. And I was like, oh, that must be how people feel about me all the time, like I'm always just on, you know, so it's perspective. When you're down too, it's just like, oh okay, yeah, I must be, I must be always going. People must be like what the hell?

Kevin:

Well, it helps with gratitude. Perspective helps with gratitude. All right, we gotta go because we have to record another one. We don't have to do anything, we get to. How dare you? Kevin, nice, you, son of a B. If you have not yet gotten your tickets to Next Level Live 2024, please do so, virtual or in person. We will have the link in the show notes. And if you're struggling, if right now you feel like you're going through something and you can't figure it out, reach out, reach out to myself, reach out to Alan. If you're looking for coaching, reach out to Alan, but either of us. I pinged someone yesterday that was in group coaching, either one round ago or two rounds ago, and I said, hey, how's everything? And they said I'm kind of struggling. I said anything I can do to help and they said, no, right now I'm just processing, but I'll let you know. Cool, awesome, I'm always a message away.

Alan:

Even if you're not looking for coaching. If you're struggling, reach out and let's connect.

Kevin:

I thought you were going to go longer than that, so I took a sip of my coffee. Tomorrow, for episode number 1,638, one type of person to avoid. Not as negative as it sounds, I promise it'll be a hopefully it'll be a somewhat positive episode. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you, and at NLU we do not have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow.

Alan:

Talk to you soon. See you later.

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Alan Lazaros

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Kevin Palmieri

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