#1641 - Do You Love Yourself?

Embarking on a journey of personal growth often involves exploring our deepest vulnerabilities and strengths. In this episode, Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros present an insightful discourse on the transformative power of self-love in achieving personal success. They explore the importance of self-love as a grounding force, offering stability through the unpredictable waves of life. They share moments of vulnerability, demonstrating that the ability to say "I love myself" is more than a mantra; it's the bedrock of resilience and self-compassion, vital for navigating our daily challenges and triumphs.

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Show notes:
(2:10) It's not arrogance
(4:31) Anchor
(8:18) Growth journey
(11:10) What dictates it?
(13:06) Meet like-minded people and jumpstart your journey to achieving your dreams while optimizing your life. Join Next Level Group Coaching. https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/group-coaching/
(14:29) Check in with yourself
(19:06) Self-love: You have to earn it
(22:23) Internal then external results
(25:55) Build from the inside out
(30:01) Outro

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:00

Next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. We hope you enjoyed yesterday's episode, episode number 1640, a common mistake when it comes to consistency. Today, for episode number 1641, do you love yourself? Right before we started recording, alan said where are you going in this episode? Where did this come from? What do you want to talk about? And I said honestly, man, it's been very, very strange for me over the last however long probably a year to feel like I actually love myself. It's very strange. It's a very weird feeling. It's a very reaffirming feeling. Sometimes I feel guilty about it. Other times I don't know if it's true or not. I don't know if I really believe it, but I think what it's really done is one. Help me overcome the fact that it doesn't.

Speaker 1 1:02

It's not arrogant to say you love yourself If you love your phone, if you love your car, if you love your home, if you love your favorite t-shirt, if you love your pet. Why is that not arrogant? But loving yourself is that would be my first initial thing. I used to. Yeah, I probably would feel arrogant if I said that I love myself. So that's part one. Part two is I've noticed that there's almost like a I don't know if you think of it as like a layer and a layer and a layer and a layer. Sometimes it's. Today was a really hard day. Maybe we lost a client, or maybe I have 15 messages out for potential clients.

Speaker 2 1:52

I gotta get a cough drop. Sorry, you know you're good, you're good, I know you're trying to do it, otherwise I'm gonna be coughing into the mic.

Speaker 1 1:57

I knew you were trying to do it quietly. It's this layering of today was a good day or today was a bad day.

Speaker 2 2:04

We got a client or we lost a client.

Speaker 1 2:06

We had really good interviews. We didn't. We got more than I wanted to get done, we got less than I wanted. And eventually it gets to the place where when I'm done for the night and I'm reflecting on my day, the door stop is. But I love myself though Today sucked, but I love myself, and that is something that I couldn't say for a long period of time. And that's almost where the rumination kind of stops.

Speaker 1 2:34

If we lost the client, would I still love myself? Yes. If I get another client, would I still love myself? Yes. If I crushed 20 interviews today, would I still love myself? Yes. If I don't do a single interview today and it's a self-care day cause I'm burning to the ground, would I love myself? Yes. Now, obviously, I can take that way too far, but for me, alan, it's been very strange because it's almost like everything. It's the root. The self-love for me has become the root where, no matter how bad the day is or how good the day is, that's how I ground at the end of the day. And it used to be how the day went dictated. How I went and how the day went dictated how much love I had for myself, good or bad, and when things were really good, I loved myself a lot. When things were really bad, I didn't.

Speaker 1 3:24

Now does it still affect me? Yes, I'd be lying if I said, no matter what, I am steadfast and I love myself the same. Unfortunately, I'm not there yet, but it does feel like it is the anchor. It does feel like it is the root when I get to the end of the day, if I can have that conversation with myself, that's something I don't. I didn't have that for the first 33 years of my life. No way. I never thought that before. I would never even think of thinking about that, never, never, never.

Speaker 1 3:55

There were times where I was proud of myself. There was times where I was proud of what we were doing. There was times where I was impressed with myself. There was times where I wasn't impressed with myself. But it almost becomes. It's almost like I did the best I can. If you go win a game and you say, well, I did the best I can, cool, that's the anchor. You go play a game and you lose but you say I really, I genuinely did the best I can. That's the anchor.

Speaker 1 4:24

It almost stops the thought process, I guess. And again, it's hard to explain because I haven't really fleshed it out, but I think that's probably the best way. It makes the good days better and it makes the bad days better Because I don't immediately say I suck, I'm terrible, it's more. Yeah, this happened, I could have done better, I could improve this, I'll improve this, I'll improve this. These are the lessons I learned. Okay, yeah, that kind of sucks, but I'm grateful for me and I love myself, and that's just a rare thing for me. So I thought it would be important to do an episode on it, just because maybe, even when you hear those words, you get triggered. Maybe you think it's arrogant, maybe you think you can't because other people around you have said you can't talk that way about yourself. But that's my experience.

Speaker 2 5:16

I told you the story when I was watching. I think it was like 2014. I was at the theater in Jordan's Furniture where's that Nadek? That's where I used to work Nadek Mass and there's a Jordan's Furniture that has a theater in it, and I went to dinner with a college friend. We were drinking and then I had Mountain Mose, mountain Dew and Captain Morgan in my cup at the theater.

Speaker 2 5:47

This is not my favorite time. We all have ups and downs. This was a down time for me. Up in my career, that's time, but down in my personal life, my self-love down and we went to see Superman. It was whichever one came out in like 2014 time frame, but Henry Cable is the actor in that movie he gets out of the lake shirtless and I wrote about this in my blog.

Speaker 2 6:16

I actually put that photo and I had to go to the bathroom. I was just so down. I went to the bathroom and I looked in the mirror and I was just so not loving myself at all.

Speaker 2 6:40

I didn't love myself at all. I didn't love what I saw in the mirror. And it's so interesting too, because it's not like I was a bad person. It's not like I wasn't. I guess it does come down to I wasn't doing all I could. Is it really that simple? I just wasn't doing all I could.

Speaker 2 7:03

I would see people that were in the gym consistently like you, kev, and I would be jealous. I don't even know if I know how to describe it. It would be like okay, I'm winning over here and that's great, but that's the best way to describe it. But I'm not proud of this. I'm not proud of what I'm. I feel like crap. I look like crap. I know that I'm letting it ride. I know I'm not maximizing my potential. I know I look nothing like Henry Cable. It's not that that act I mean. Obviously he has genetics that I do not have, but regardless of that, I know that I could build a physique that I'm proud of and I know that that's something I value.

Speaker 2 7:58

So this self-love thing, I don't think you can just convince yourself to love yourself when you don't. I think you have to sit in the reality of whatever is okay, alan, you drink too much. You don't watch what you eat, you don't exercise. What are you going to do about that? You're either going to keep doing that and keep not loving yourself, or you're going to make a change. And so I ended up making a change, fortunately. But I think that's the growth journey. Excuse me, that's the growth journey, and I love myself way more right now than I do back then, way more.

Speaker 2 8:52

But it's still not a hundred percent. You never get to 100%. I don't think there is a 100%. I love myself 100%, you jokingly say. Well, can't you transcend past transcendence? And the answer, I think, is no. I think you're a human being and I think you never get to 100%, but I think you can get closer and closer and closer and closer and closer. It's an asymptote. An asymptote is a graph that gets closer to a certain point but you never actually get there, and it's an infinite game that goes on and on and on, forever. It's a mountain you never get to the top of, and so I love myself 100 times more than I did back then, authentically. But I might love myself 100 times more in 10 years from now than I do right now.

Speaker 1 9:36

I'm just curious to what dictates it. I don't know. I don't know what the answer is. I think it's the certainty. It's the certainty in. I think it's the certainty in the work that you've done. You and I have done a lot of work on ourselves for the last seven years, specifically.

Speaker 2 9:58

You know I'm a little biased on this, but I think it's in proportion to how much you've maximized your potential. I think it's in proportion to how much you've maximized your potential and contributing beyond yourself. I think it comes down to those two things I do and I think I think there's more though.

Speaker 1 10:21

I think there's a piece of it that's how comfortable are you with you?

Speaker 2 10:27

That Isn't that in proportion to how much you've maximized your potential, though?

Speaker 1 10:31

I don't know. I would say maybe that's, maybe you could use similar words. I think it's in proportion to how much of the darkness you've uncovered and shine a light on. Maybe.

Speaker 2 10:43

Which is in proportion?

Speaker 1 10:45

Yeah, I don't know. I probably wouldn't label it that way just because that's not my normal language. That's your language, not mine to maximize your potential. That's something that you know me that never really resonated with me.

Speaker 2 10:59

But the best version of yourself becoming the best version of yourself.

Speaker 1 11:02

Be the best version of yourself, that's the same thing as maximizing your potential. Yeah. So yeah, I would say that it's just a different label.

Speaker 2 11:08

I would say that, yeah, I think you will be, you will love yourself to the extent that you actualize, you manifest, you create the best version of yourself. And this is all based on what you believe too. So like you believe in yourself, more, so you aim higher. Then you go on that journey, you learn more, and then you grow more. And then, when you grow more, you believe in yourself more so then you aim even higher. It's like this perpetual thing that never ends.

Speaker 1 12:23

I think, one of the things that I'm realizing now in this conversation. I think it's kind of become a necessity, because I would be so up and down, depending on the day, whatever was happening, that would dictate it. And again, it still happens. It's still when we have a rough day or we have a great day. It does change things, but now it's more of the anchor of it's just a certain amount of layers, like today sucked, this happened, this happened, this happened. Oh my goodness, boom, boom, boom. I know what I can do about it. This is what I can do about it. This is what I can do about it. Let me check in with me.

Speaker 1 13:04

Outside of all of this external business and podcasting and speaking and coaching, and this and this and this and this, let me check in with me, just as me, and that's what the journey has been lately At the end of the night, when I'm done for the night, it's kind of that. It's like how do you feel about you though, and I never used to do that, maybe for you, I don't know. Maybe for you, that's something you have always. For me, this is very much new, not necessarily the self-love, I think. Honestly, I think going on as me.

Speaker 2 13:39

What did it?

Speaker 1 13:39

used to be like.

Speaker 2 13:42

When you didn't love yourself. That's why I went back to when I didn't, because when you were talking, I was thinking about when didn't I love myself, and that's what I thought of. I didn't love myself in that theater, not authentically.

Speaker 1 13:54

I don't know.

Speaker 2 13:54

I think my ego wanted to convince me that I was happy.

Speaker 1 13:58

But I don't think I even thought of that. I don't even think I. I don't think loving myself was ever. The times that I think I would say I loved myself was when I took pride in what I was experiencing, what I was putting into, what I was putting time, energy, effort and focus into what I was proud of, what I was creating. Because I had bouts. But I think it was fake. I think I remember I've used this example or this story on the podcast before Went through a rough breakup. I had my three or four months where I was just down in the dirt, in the dumps, and then after that I was All right, I'm going to go out and start meeting people and at that time I would say I probably would have told you that I loved myself. I don't think it was. I think it was probably the most I ever had, but I don't think it was real. I think that's what I thought I needed to feel in order to get through what I was trying to get through.

Speaker 2 14:57

But how do you know? It's not just. You have so much more self-love now that you realize, now that you didn't love yourself that much Because it was fleeting.

Speaker 1 15:06

I think it was just a mood. It was a mood of I'm doing all Like I'm going out and I'm meeting new people and I'm getting new clothes and I'm making good money and I'm rebuilding my identity and I'm going to be. That relationship is gone now and I'm good.

Speaker 2 15:21

So it's manufactured, I think so it feels like manufactured versus homegrown type of thing.

Speaker 1 15:25

I think it was external, I think it was based on externals, where now, yeah, the external matters, and it's always going to matter to me, always, always, always, always. But at least now I have a place where I can go and reflect and say, well, you still love yourself, you still love yourself. I just didn't have that before. It was, yeah, you don't. There just wasn't anything else, it's just empty. It just wasn't there. But now that's like it's the anchor, that's the best way to put it. It's the foundation. It's the foundation where now everything else is on top of that, which makes it that much better. But I can always reflect on that. Now I have that to reflect on. And again, I don't know how that's going to change over the next, however long. I don't know. I don't know what's going to change, but it's a very new feeling.

Speaker 1 16:19

That would be my next love of nugget. My next love of nugget would be there's certainty in self-love, because we question a lot. There's so much to question. Are we going to grow as much as we want in the business? Is this client going to leave? Is this person that I sent a proposal to going to come aboard? Is this going to happen? Is this going to happen? Is this going to happen? There's so much uncertainty in day-to-day life.

Speaker 1 16:45

Yeah, especially if you have big goals, especially if you have big goals but no matter what right, maybe you're at a place right now, you work at a place and they just hired someone new and you don't know if you're going to get fired. You don't know if you're going to have a job next week, you don't know. Maybe your kid's sick and you're dealing with that, or your spouse is getting laid off, whatever it is. If you have that anchor, I think it just makes the mud a lot easier. That's all. That would be my next level nugget, because what can you be certain of? How do you build it? Do stuff, that future you would be proud of? I don't know if I have it.

Speaker 2 17:27

It's like an investment account that you have to put a little bit into each day and it gets bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger.

Speaker 1 17:33

Yeah, and eventually you look and you say, wow, I'm really. I think self-love is like self you're proud of yourself, you're proud of what you're doing, you're proud of the way you're showing up, you're proud of the effort you're putting in. You're proud of you, proud of who you are. What's what? What's love for you? What's Alan love, like Kevin loves Alan. What does that mean? It's like I. I love the person. You are right, I send you messages. We send each other messages all the time. I love the person you are, the, the, the great parts that you don't really have, that many ugly parts, but like your flaws and your awesome things, I Love both of those. I love all those. But what does it mean to love someone? It means to Connect deeply, like you're de. I'm deeply connected to you where I can't imagine Ever working with someone else. I can't imagine any of that. Yeah, I would be devastated if you and I didn't work together. That would be like no one else is interesting, agreed, agreed.

Speaker 2 18:39

What's interesting about that is that's predicated on rarity. This is the weird duality, kev. Because why are you, why could you not picture working with anyone else? Because there aren't Anymore Alan's. Yeah, that's fair. But why aren't there any more Alan's? Because this is brutal, that's also fair.

Speaker 2 18:54

So that that's the thing about life. That's so weird. You have to earn it. Loving yourself, you have to earn it. I Okay, I'm gonna share this. The people who pretend to love themselves when they don't and I've done that in the past too that it's not earned. That's fair. When you run the stair, masters best analogy it's it you earn self-love. You sweat, you earn it with sweat. So, kevin, for example, think about it. Why would we not imagine working with someone else? Because we know there are no more Kevin's Like, really think about that. Why are there no more Kevin's let's? Let's do this later, because no one else is willing to do what you've done.

Speaker 2 19:36

When I cried at your wedding and Matt came over and gave me a tissue, I wasn't crying because of the just the moment. I was crying because you made something of yourself coming from nothing. That's rare. No, I was crying because of the rarity of it. Why is that rare? Because it's brutal. It's rare because it sucks. It's rare because it doesn't normally happen. Why does it not normally happen? Because most people take the easy road. It's this weird conundrum Like why did I look in the mirror and cry at the theater? Because I knew I was taking the fucking easy road. That's what it comes down to, it always will and it always has the reason. You love yourself, kavis, because you've been taken the more challenging higher road More often not every day, not always, but more often than you ever used to a big piece of it. But I think there's something internal too.

Speaker 1 20:32

How do you know that's not?

Speaker 2 20:35

Because the internally external are connected. You go on this harder road, this more challenging Trajectory, and then it changes you internally and then when you change internally you you notice more upper trajectory. I think it's a self-fulfilling. Well, I think that's what. I think that's what's happening is in the very beginning.

Speaker 1 20:52

It was all internal Because I left my job, I had no markers of success, there was no well.

Speaker 2 20:59

It was all external prior to yes, yes, yeah, the the hyper conscious podcast, then it was all internal, yes, and then I think it's kind of gone Back and forth over the last however many years, and now I I feel the best I ever have with both.

Speaker 1 21:16

Yeah, a great question. That's the growth journey.

Speaker 2 21:19

I when I think that's really what.

Speaker 1 21:24

For me at least, I won't speak to to your self-love, whether you're watching or listening, but when my internal One of the reasons people ask me when I go on podcast why were you so, why were you so depressed when you were making? You had everything externally, but you didn't feel good internally. And I said for that very reason, my internal results and my external results were so far apart that I knew I was living a lie. There's, there's no way I could have yeah, I had to have the internal first if I didn't have the in, I needed the internal first.

Speaker 1 21:57

Then you get the external and then it. It feels good. Yeah, I didn't have the internal, so I kept chasing external because, I thought external is gonna fix internal.

Speaker 1 22:04

It just never did. Now I feel really good about the business and I feel really good about I'm married and I like a little family. I have cats. You know, it's weird. That's weird for me. Wake up every morning, I come out and come out of the bedroom, the cats follow me. It's weird. They got super strange for me. I never, I never expected that, I never saw that coming. So that's, I think that's what it is for me. It's internal and external are. I think that's what it is for me. It's internal and external are. They're the most dependent on one another they've ever been, which is a good thing for me, not a bad thing. That's a good thing. It's a good thing that when one goes up, the other has to come up, or when one goes up, the other does come up because of it. I think that's a good thing. I'm not Relying on it, but it's working Nicely. That's the best way to put it's working in harmony, maybe for the first time ever.

Speaker 2 23:01

So that's my extra next level nugget the last thing I'll share here is I was on a podcast earlier and it was a leadership Podcast. He talked about having me share my story and I said the best way I can describe it is that before 26, I Was successful from the outside in. From the outside in, I had the corporate friends, high school friends, college friends, I had the Engineering job, I had the masters in business, I had the $200,000 almost per year income. I Was successful from the outside in and after my car accident 26, I flipped it and became I focused on Internal success and fulfillment and then hoped that external success and fulfillment would be a by-product, and that Took a long time.

Speaker 2 23:49

That was definitely the harder road, but it is, it is true. So now I'm successful from the inside out and that's the way that I describe it. That's the best way I know how to describe it is. I used to be successful from the outside, looking in, but inside I was unhappy and unfulfilled. Now I am Successful from the inside out. I'm actually more successful on the inside than I am if you look from the outside, and I'm convinced that we've all gone through a phase in our life where we were portraying More fulfillment and more happiness and more success and more status on social media than in our real life.

Speaker 1 24:26

Definitely.

Speaker 2 24:26

I would say I'm finally in a place in my life where I'm the opposite. I actually feel like we are actually more on the inside than we could portray out externally. I should say this the better way to describe that is we are more on the inside in our real life. Then we can accurately reflect externally. That's a way better position to be in than the opposite.

Speaker 2 24:52

And in that movie theater that I started with at the beginning, I was the opposite. I was portraying success and fulfillment and happiness externally, but internally it wasn't real. Now I'm actually fulfilled to a unbelievable extent not in everything, but in most things and and externally I can't seem to get it to reflect that, even to the extent that it really is. And, and I think that that's a much better, it's a power position. It's beautiful and I'd much rather you do that build from the inside out instead of from the outside in, and realize that if your internal is 10 out of 10 and your external is 2 out of 10, you're also gonna be in distress. Because Imagine you and I with no external success. I think that's a fugazi too. You, we would not be okay with that.

Speaker 2 25:41

I Remember feeling really fulfilled you do too where you were super proud of who you are as a man. But externally it was like, oh my god, I can't pay my bills. That sucks, not just as much. Not just as much, but it sucks still. And so there's there's got to be a way to grow these two in a symbiotic upward trajectory, but if you have one without the other, you're always gonna be in trouble, I think.

Speaker 1 26:08

I would agree, and that's what holistic means. When we talk about holistic, it's internal, external, it's strengths and weaknesses, it's health, wealth, life and love. It's all those things. It's that your relationship with yourself and your relationship with others. It's pretty much the opposites. I think that's what, for us, holistic means is you're really good at the opposites, which helps you be really good throughout the spectrum of those things, or at least you understand the opposite. Well said, I am a bit of a philosopher myself. Actually, it's facts. Yep, next level nation. If you have not yet got your ticket for next level live 2024, do so.

Speaker 1 26:45

We are putting together the roster. So there's going to be 60 humans. There's going to be six teams of 10. We'll have three teams of 10 virtual, three teams of 10 in person.

Speaker 1 26:56

And one of my favorite parts and this was a surprise for me because I did not expect it to go as well as it did last year was the breakout sessions. We got amazing feedback on the breakout sessions. Taryn, my wife, said that was her favorite part. She said you've got to keep doing that because that was amazing. That was like the thing. So that's why we're breaking people up into teams is because we're going to have breakout sessions and we're going to go deeper into what we talk about on stage. So make sure you join us. It's going to be amazing.

Speaker 1 27:21

If you feel like you need to pour into you, if you feel like you need to level up that internal stuff, I promise you this event will help you. Am I going to tell you you're going to make a million dollars if you attend? No, we are going to talk about success. So I think it'll help you financially. But what I think it's mostly going to help you with or it's going to help you with most is internal stuff. So Link will be in the show notes. We'd love to see you there in person or virtual.

Speaker 2 27:45

Yeah, do this the most humble, grateful and growth-minded people all in one room for a truly life-transforming day. That is what Next Level Live is about. We only do this once a year. Please do not miss this, and it is wild to think that the last one we were looking back at photos is it feels like 10 years ago. It does. With how much we've learned and grown and shared. It's wild. So please do not miss this. It will be the Mario Kart booster that you need to crush the rest of your goals in 2024.

Speaker 1 28:17

Tomorrow for episode number 1642, something we've gotten really good feedback with, or from so far Freestyle Friday. I have an idea. We'll see. I don't know if we're going to go there, but I have an idea for Freestyle Friday tomorrow. So we'll see what happens. But that is what we're going to do tomorrow. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you, and at NLU we do it with fans. We have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow.

Speaker 2 28:42

Keep loving thyself Next time on Nation.