Next Level University

#1644 - Are You Setting Unrealistic Standards For Your Partner?

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

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Have you ever caught yourself daydreaming that your partner might one day wake up as a picture-perfect version of themselves that aligns perfectly with your wildest dreams? Relationships are often considered a journey between two individuals and between our dreams and reality. In today’s episode, Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros delve deep into relationship expectations, the quest for acceptance, and the pivotal role core values play in the success or failure of our romantic endeavors. As they venture into this discussion, it’s essential to recognize that the person you share your life with is not a project to be perfected but a partner to be appreciated.

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Show notes:
(2:03) Unrealistic standards for your partner
(6:15) Mindsets
(8:06) Core paradigm
(11:14) Relationship expectations and acceptance
(14:52) Maturity
(17:16) Meet like-minded people and jumpstart your journey to achieving your dreams while optimizing your life. Join Next Level Group Coaching. https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/group-coaching/
(19:17) It starts with honesty
(21:44) Recognizing disrespect in relationships
(29:51) Outro

Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

Speaker 1:

Next level nation. Welcome back to another episode of next level university, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. We hope you enjoyed yesterday's episode. It was episode number 1643. We all complain, but we talked a lot about Sometimes we're complaining and while we're complaining, the thing we're complaining about is getting worse and it's hurting us in the long run. There's a very heartfelt, vulnerable episode because obviously Alan and I are nervous to be villainized, but it was an episode that I think was important to do. Today for episode number 1644, we're gonna talk a little bit about love. We're gonna talk in the relationship bucket today.

Speaker 1:

Are you setting unrealistic standards for your partner? One of the biggest mistakes I'm guilty of this in the past for sure, and I know many of us are, unfortunately is Getting into a relationship with the hope, with the goal, with the wish, with the desire that our partner is gonna change everything about themselves over the next month, six months, year, two years, five years, whatever it is, and Then getting to the place where we have extremely unrealistic standards for them, based on our own Standards that we think they should have. And I always, I always think of it from from this frame Alan Adam Sandler in a lot of movies. Every single movie he is in his wife in the movie is pretty much a supermodel. Mm-hmm. And I'm nothing against Adam Sandler, I'm a fan but I don't think he's a supermodel on On the male end.

Speaker 2:

No, no, I would say no those movies are extremely unrealistic.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, but it's almost so. I always think of it this way. It would be very, very, very, very, very very. How do I want to free frame this? Okay, when we look on Instagram and we look on social media, you're often time seeing the most beautiful specimens on the planet, and I know our minds can quickly say, well, I wish, I wish my friends were like that, I wish my partner was like that, I wish my partner did this, I wish my friends did this, I wish my family was like this. And I'll often think to myself you don't really get to have those type of thoughts unless You're your own version of that. So let's say, let's say I see Like a bikini model on Instagram. There's no version of me that should ever say, well, I really wish my wife should be more like that, while I'm shoving Taco Bell down my throat.

Speaker 2:

It's just not fair.

Speaker 1:

It's not, it's just. It's just not fair. I but I think that's what's happening is we see things that aren't necessarily real or maybe they are and Then for some reason, we download those expectations and say, well, I really wish two people around me were like that. Even though we're not like that, I Don't think your expectations from your for your partner Should be any higher than the expectations you have for yourself. That's not fair, that's unrealistic, that's not. That's. That's a losing game, but it can go the other way to.

Speaker 2:

Definitely. You have Such high expectations for self and no expectations 100% from your partner 100% and I've been there before and that's also dangerous.

Speaker 1:

There's. There's many different ways and my ultimate goal with this is look, it's just most likely not gonna set you up for a successful relationship. On either end, if your partner has unrealistic standards for you, you're probably always gonna feel underappreciated and Under pressure to do and be a certain way that maybe you didn't sign up for and you don't want to be. Or, on the other end, if you're the person setting unrealistic expectations, you're probably gonna end up disappointed often and Resentful at some level, because you're gonna say why isn't this person Becoming the type of person that I want them to be? Maybe that's not who they are, maybe that's not who they're supposed to be. Most importantly, maybe that's not who they want to be.

Speaker 1:

So I thought it would be for a valuable episode. Hmm, excuse me, because I've had this conversation with people before where they'll reach out and bring up something like this and Sometimes the conversation is look, I know it feels like you and your partner are missing each other in certain arenas, but Haven't you always been missing each other in that arena and you communicated the importance? And maybe the person said, look, it's just not that important for me, are you setting unrealistic expectations? To say, well, I really hope that person eventually comes all the way over to my side when it comes to us missing each other, just as an example.

Speaker 2:

Kevin and I talked prior to this episode and what I had shared with him is, I think at the beginning of this journey seven years ago, we were so hyper focused on Excitement for growth and transformation that we were under the impression at least more than we are now that you can transform Anything you want about yourself. We had what I would refer to refer to as a super growth mindset. So I think of it as you have a super fixed mindset, which is someone who thinks you can't change anything at all, ever at all. Everything is fixed. You know you can't change anything about yourself. Next is fixed mindset, which is I don't really think I can change much. I don't know if I want to change much. I don't think I can change that, even if I tried. Growth mindset is you can change things about yourself and if you're shy, you can work on being a little less shy. Super growth mindset is what we had, I think, at the beginning I'll speak for myself. I think I had it at the beginning which was oh you, you can start out the shyest person ever and end up the most charismatic outgoing person. The entire world I Know longer fully believe that I think super growth mindset is a little bit ignorant, and I'm guilty of that.

Speaker 2:

And when it comes to choosing a partner, I think what we sometimes fall into is one of those different categories. In other words, sometimes you have a partner with a fixed mindset and they don't think they can change anything about themselves which is not true. They can improve. But sometimes you have a partner who has a super growth mindset, who thinks, oh Well, my partner can just just change that or just transform that. And what I told Kevin prior to this episode is I Would much rather you look at your partner For who they really are, to the best of your ability, and Emilie and I coach couples.

Speaker 2:

I was on a relationship talks coaching session earlier and there's this fundamental understanding now that I have where. Who is your partner at their core? Who is your partner? What do they value most? They don't even know why they value it most. Maybe it was from their childhood, maybe it wasn't, maybe they've always been this way. What is their core paradigm? What is their core belief? What do they value most?

Speaker 2:

So I was on the relationship talks coaching call earlier and one of our clients, her at her core. We were going through the love languages and one of them is supporting one's growth. Growth is at her core. It's very, very clear. It's as we coach her. She's so clear. She's so clearly, deeply curious and wants to grow and flourish. That's not going to change. I and she has a lot of pain associated with past partners who suppressed her growth when they got insecure. And the male in the relationship is unintentionally at times suppressing the growth which is creating all that stuff. So here's my point the female in this relationship is growth at her core. It's very clear. She actually started crying when we got to that love language, because that's where most of her pain has come. She was with a partner that wasn't focused on growth.

Speaker 2:

But here's the thing what if she was with partners who didn't have growth at their core and she expected them to be growth oriented? And that's exactly what you're referring to, kev, is we don't fully know ourselves. So then we get into a relationship with someone who's the yin to our yang, so to speak, and then we wonder why they're not like us. And I don't think that you can change all of who you are anymore. I think you can uncover it and I think you can grow it and I think you can improve it, but I don't think you can fully change it.

Speaker 2:

I think if someone is growth at their core, I seriously doubt that's ever going to change.

Speaker 2:

Whether it's five years from now or 10 years from now or 15 years from now, it's probably not going to change.

Speaker 2:

And if someone is super fixed mindset, doesn't want to grow at all, not super achievement oriented, doesn't have goals and dreams, you can't get into a relationship with that person and then hope that that with the presupposition that you hope that that changes, because it might not they might never have big goals and dreams.

Speaker 2:

Maybe they're not supposed to, I don't know. Maybe they want to be more present or maybe they want to do something different. And so the old me would have been saying I think that everyone needs to be more growth minded and I think that the world will be a better place if that was the case. I do still believe the world will be a better place if we all focus on improving who we are, and that I'm going to stick to. But improving who we are is predicated on who you actually are, and who you actually are might not be who your partner wants you to be or maybe thought you were, and I think that's when acceptance needs to come in of who your partner actually is, and then let them improve from that place, rather than some fictitious pedestal version that you fell in love with that might not ever have been real.

Speaker 1:

It's such a challenging thing because it's dangerous to say it would be really nice if that statement starts to become something that you have expectations on.

Speaker 1:

I don't ever want Taren to be an entrepreneur ever, ever, ever. But I know a lot of entrepreneurs who do want their partner to be an entrepreneur, because maybe they're looking for that camaraderie or they're looking for the understanding. It's very hard to understand what it's like to be an entrepreneur unless you've been an entrepreneur, just like I'm sure it's very hard to be a parent if you've never been a parent. Or it's very hard to be this job if you've never done it, or whatever it is, if you've never been to this place. I'm sure it's hard to imagine what that would be like. So I can understand why that would be a thing, but it's almost like if it's not what's best, there's a big difference between what's best for you and what's best for your partner, and I think that, to your point, the acceptance piece of it is very powerful, but there is over acceptance too. So, as always, it's trying to figure out what is the unique spot for you, and then the other thing is asking yourself would you actually want what comes with that? So, yes, sure, in this example, the person that I talked to in the past said well, it'd be really cool if my partner was an entrepreneur, awesome, cool. Is it also cool if, the night that you finish early, your partner is working until 10 o'clock that night? Or is that going to suck, or is that going to be something you're willing to deal with?

Speaker 1:

Our expectations and what we want out of? Someone always comes with an other side of it too, and usually you don't see that until you experience it long enough and then you see the downsides of it. That's another important facet of this whole thing. It's a weird thing, because obviously we all want to improve if we're listening to this show, and we all want our partners to improve in the ways that they want to improve, and sometimes in the ways that they know they should improve, but they don't necessarily want to. Same for me, right, I have things I don't necessarily want to improve, but I must in order to get the goals that I have set. But it gets dangerous when it becomes an expectation. You know what's interesting. Sorry to interrupt. No, no, you're good, don't ever do it again, but this one time is fine.

Speaker 2:

Well, that's a part of who I am, so you have to accept that.

Speaker 1:

That is a good example.

Speaker 2:

honestly, so there's a big difference between me saying, kev, you're my business partner and I want to try to change you, versus I think a healthy thing would be. I can help Kevin improve who he is. See the difference between one I'm trying to change him and the other one I'm trying to help him become a better version of himself.

Speaker 1:

Well, do you think you and I would ever work as long as we have if we didn't understand pretty quickly that Alan is this way and Kevin is this way and we're going to work on strengthening those things and just making sure that we secure any of the holes that that thing causes?

Speaker 2:

100%, and I think we did a very good job of that. I think there have been a few tough moments with you and I, that we had to drive to five. But how do I articulate this? There are certain things about me that are inherent to my nature, that are natural for me, that are that come with a downside that you consider a pain in the ass, and vice versa, and vice versa. But I think that what maturity is is understanding that you can't have the wonderful part without the pain in the ass part, and I think that that's what a mature relationship is, whether it's a business partnership or an intimate relationship. You kind of have to understand.

Speaker 2:

Well, I want her to be entrepreneurial and super goal oriented, but I don't. I don't want her working late. It's like right, right, right, what are we doing in Candyland here, you know? Well, I want her focused on me at the end of the night. Well, she also has a business to take care of now, and I just think that wanting someone to be someone different than who they are at their core is always going to be a losing game rather than hey, I accept you and I love you unconditionally for who you are, but hey also.

Speaker 2:

This is who I am, and let's try to find a way to find a win-win scenario here and I think that in the past, you can only really know who someone is to the extent that you know yourself, but also the human condition in general. So, for example, when you and I were younger I mean think about a girlfriend you had when you were in your teens Okay, so we didn't know anything about what we were or weren't like. I didn't know what I was, okay, I was academic, you were an athlete, you were funny and I was driven. Okay, that's about as deep as it went.

Speaker 1:

What else do we know about ourselves.

Speaker 2:

Let's be honest.

Speaker 1:

Not much.

Speaker 2:

Yeah okay, so okay, think about your girlfriend at the time, girlfriend in high school. Okay, what was she Like? Give me three or four Athletic. Okay, athletic Funny.

Speaker 1:

Also yeah, what was the third one you said about me? I think you only gave me two, you, son of a bee.

Speaker 2:

I think I said athletic. Funny, that was it.

Speaker 1:

That was it. Yeah, yeah, yeah those two.

Speaker 2:

Okay, she was athletic and funny too, yeah, okay, cool. Now, from hindsight, now, from this awareness, what is very clear to you now? Just give me one example that's very clear to you now, that you had no idea back then.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, far more family oriented and driven by having children and a family than I ever would have been Okay and you ended up screwing up that relationship by saying that you never want to get married.

Speaker 2:

Yes, and if you don't mind me outing him he's shared that publicly before. So, I'm in, I'm okay. But here's my point you didn't know that back then because you weren't aware of that as a thing. Really, no.

Speaker 2:

And so you couldn't have found a compatible mate for lack of better phrasing. So inevitably we are bound to screw up in this, and so I think my point, my lesson underneath all that, is if you got into your relationship 15 years ago and you didn't know what love languages were, and you didn't know the difference between an achiever and someone who is more family oriented, then obviously you're gonna run into these challenges when you become aware of them, and then maybe you wanna change this person when in reality, that's not fair to your partner because they've always been this way.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and it's not sustainable, right, but you also might not wanna settle, so I'd interrupt you. On the other end of that you said over acceptance. If you accept someone, that so it's both ends. One end you're being kind of toxic because you want your partner to change who they are when it's not fair to them. The other end is you're just accepting them for whoever they are, even if they're being kind of a crappy partner, and I think that you gotta be careful about which end you're on.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I think it all starts with honesty. Just hey, this is what I value. Taren is never gonna wanna watch UFC like I do. It's never gonna happen, and I have no hopes or aspirations of that ever happening, cause I don't think that would be good for her, just like there are things that I'm just not gonna be as naturally pulled towards I'm just not. But it doesn't mean we can't meet somewhere in the middle and say you know, I know, I've been watching a lot of UFC lately and it's just is it your job to fill your partner's cup?

Speaker 2:

No.

Speaker 1:

I think that's a dangerous game to say that I think it's my job to fill my cup first, ask for what I need, be vulnerable, communicate it. But as a partnership, it's the goal to keep the partnership cup filled, cups filled, and I think you do that as a partnership, as a relationship. If I know that I've really been getting my quality time with Kev cup filled, I should be aware of the fact that maybe that means another cup is emptying faster. Or when, like, say, taren and I do seven things in a week and I know the quality time, fun, unique experience cup is overflowing, maybe I need to fill one of my own cups. But I just think that's a partnership conversation.

Speaker 2:

Let me ask you this, so you can ask me whatever you want. You had a thank you. You had a situation ship that you talked about. Yeah, yeah, yeah, would you be willing to illuminate?

Speaker 1:

Oh.

Speaker 2:

Lord, I know one thing that is evident now. Okay, you basically were like, listen, this isn't it for me. And I know it. Yeah, what was it that you knew? It's not like you were trying to be unkind because you liked this person, it's not about that but you knew that it wouldn't work. You knew that this wasn't it for you. How did you know that? And was the reason you knew that? Because? Okay, so I'm gonna bring all the listeners behind the scenes. Kevin's always been very good at predicting relationships, whether or not they would fail or succeed Very, very good. As a matter of fact, I don't think you've really been wrong about any of that In the last seven years. There's been a lot of that. Now, I think why you could predict it is because you could see people at their core and you knew that they weren't going to change. Is that fair?

Speaker 1:

I would say that's fair, or the undertone. Often time I think I'm very good at recognizing disrespect In a relationship, the undertone of disrespect. You can hear somebody say something in a certain way and you can say, ah, that's a red flag and there's no way. That's the first time they said it. They just said it around me one time. No way, there's no, no way. The odds of that are so low.

Speaker 2:

So there's something right, are like you do.

Speaker 1:

I, I, I did. Being disrespected is one of the things that that's like one of my. I don't know where it comes from, but that's like one of my deepest things. I cannot stand it. I cannot stand being disrespected. It bothers me to my core. It's just, it's. I think it makes me feel unseen, like when I get disrespected, it makes me feel unseen and and To be made less than so. It's always kind of on my radar.

Speaker 2:

My goodness, okay, okay, to follow this up. You, that wasn't your person. You knew it. That wasn't what you wanted long term. Yeah, okay, what. What was it that you noticed that indicated that for you they?

Speaker 1:

didn't. They thought the podcast thing and the entrepreneur thing and the business thing was kind of cute, but they didn't. They didn't support it. They were okay with it and they Were positive about it. But I know deep down that person didn't believe in what we were doing.

Speaker 2:

Okay wow, that was a big piece of it, wow, okay, so you felt a little bit disrespected when it came to your career and yeah, I was mission, this mission. Yeah, let's see some okay, and so you knew that, and and how did you know that wasn't gonna change?

Speaker 1:

I Don't know cuz. Again, I try to be as real as possible. There's a piece of me that's like I don't really blame you, I don't have anything to show for it. Really, I don't have anything to show and I don't know what's gonna happen. I don't think I was willing to. I just didn't want to have to explain myself. This was hard enough. I didn't want to have to explain myself.

Speaker 2:

What was different with Terran? If you don't mind me asking she knew me before. That's all we all, but she supported this yeah, but I knew she would.

Speaker 1:

She believed because she believed in me long before I was doing any of this, like she always Believed in me, so that other person didn't believe in you as much as Terran.

Speaker 2:

No, no, okay.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, no, okay, no, I've met very few people who believe in me as much as Terran, I mean, you're one of them, matt, matt's another one. But I, my wife, literally Hooked her future to, to me and us. You know there's, she's got. You want to talk about having Having skin in the game? There aren't many people that have more skin in the game than her other, than me and you, so she's all in on an L you.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I appreciate that. I appreciate that, terran. It's good, it's real good. Yeah, I I Don't know where I'm going with any of that, but that makes me smile.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah. Then there was just other things too, like when you meet someone, you, you and I were talking about this, we'll get off here in a couple minutes. We were talking about this before. When you first meet someone, you can fake it for a while. You can. You can fake your core values and your core beliefs and your love languages. You can fake a lot of stuff in the beginning. I'm not saying you should, but I think we're trying to show our best selves, like, yeah, I love going out and doing this. I love Uh, tara and I went for a walk recently and I was like you know how I know most people are liars and she said why?

Speaker 1:

And I said because back in the day, when I'd be on a dating app, every single person loved hiking and Any of those people I ever dated I don't know if we ever went on any hikes and nobody was knocking down doors to get it done and it was just, it was a joke and we were having a good time with it, but Sounds good on a dating profile. Yeah, I love hikes. Like, okay, when's the last one you went on? Well, I don't know, I can't remember, but I love them.

Speaker 2:

Okay, you know like I love cooking.

Speaker 1:

When's the last time you cooked? Oh, it's been years. Yeah, no, but there's not a day that goes by where I don't think about it.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, if you loved cooking, you would cook.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I don't like cooking.

Speaker 2:

So I don't cook, but that's just an example of.

Speaker 1:

I think sometimes we put our yeah, we put our best foot forward, as we should, but Eventually it starts to when we get comfortable. That's when the truth comes out, and I'm not saying it's a negative thing. Maybe the truth is you're vulnerable and you're warm and loving and that's something you were afraid to do in the beginning. I don't think truth coming out is always a bad thing. Yeah, what's your next love nugget? Before we? We let the people mine is is.

Speaker 2:

Try to understand who you are and who your partner is at their core and Improve and grow from that place instead of Trying to change each other. I think trying to change each other is a losing recipe.

Speaker 1:

I would agree. I Would say Be very careful if your expectations of others are higher than your own expectations of yourself. I'm not saying they can't, I don't know.

Speaker 2:

I haven't explored the thought, but I think one of our listeners have the opposite problem. I know, I know.

Speaker 1:

That's why it's always hard to do these episodes, because I don't think you. I think you, unfortunately, are probably on the other end of it. Yeah, where somebody has.

Speaker 2:

Your partner has higher expectations of you than they have of themselves.

Speaker 1:

Why haven't you? How many times did you go to the gym this week? Three times. How come you didn't go five times? Like the person sitting on the couch, crack it open a quarter of his light. They don't even have a gym membership. Well, no, yeah, no. Maybe next week I'll get there five, yeah no, that's fair.

Speaker 2:

That's, that's brutal right there.

Speaker 1:

It's an. I think it's an unfortunate, sad truth not truth experience for many, unfortunately. But I guess my next level nugget yeah, that would be it. If somebody is setting higher expectations of you than they are themselves, that's a. That's a tough place to be and just like being on the other end. I don't know, are you gonna have someone who's disappointed in you forever? I don't know, that's a really tough place to be, so maybe that's worth exploring. If you have not yet joined our private Facebook group, next Level Nation, and you're looking for a group of positive humans, please do so. The engagement in there has been amazing. So if you're listening and you're already apart, thank you so much for being a piece of the community and engaging on the content. Amy, shout out to you for putting in such wonderful content and shout out to the team to the team, excuse me for engaging as well. Ha ha, ha ha. You wanna say you'd like to say kind of a few words to the people, or I don't?

Speaker 2:

know if any of the listeners have noticed. So I'm getting over a cold currently, and so I've got a lot of stuff in my throat, so I needed to try not to cough right there.

Speaker 1:

Oh, okay.

Speaker 2:

Book Club every Saturday 12, 30 pm Eastern Standard Time. Next Level Books with Next Level People.

Speaker 2:

We hope you join us. It has been magnificent lately. We are currently reading the Courage to Be Disliked. I know a lot of you struggle with fear of judgment I definitely do as well and the Courage to Be Disliked. The idea is, when you are willing to be villainized, you are now free to be yourself, whereas if you're constantly contorting yourself to try to get other people's approval, you're in trouble. So that's the book we're talking about, and the link to register will be in the show notes.

Speaker 1:

Tomorrow for episode number 1645. I don't know if this is gonna be the title, but I wanna talk about resting your mind versus resting your body. Alan and I were talking about this. Sometimes, the things that are the best for your mind are the most taxing on your body. What are you smiling about? I don't like it.

Speaker 2:

You don't like it Probably because I do it wrong all the time. I don't know if there is a writer wrong, so we'll explore that.

Speaker 1:

That's what we're gonna talk about tomorrow. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you, and at NLU we learn of fans. We have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow.

Speaker 2:

Grow who you really are, next time on nation.

People on this episode

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Alan Lazaros

Host
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Kevin Palmieri

Host