#1665 - The Difference Between Rules And Boundaries

Have you ever felt like slowing down, not just while driving but also in life? In this episode, Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros look at the sometimes unclear borders that mark our personal space and the rules of our social world. It’s not just about road signs; it’s about setting boundaries that safeguard our core and foster growth. With relatable stories, they highlight the importance of respecting each other’s unseen boundaries - and the mutual respect and peace it brings when we do. It’s simple, but it makes a big difference.

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Show notes:
(2:37) Rules VS Boundaries
(5:28) Let it known
(7:58) Pushing the limits: External boundaries
(9:25) Guard rails up: Internal boundaries
(11:41) Meet like-minded people and jumpstart your journey to achieving your dreams while optimizing your life. Join Next Level Group Coaching. https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/group-coaching/
(13:12) Levels of boundaries 
(14:14) Richter scale analogy
(16:18) The power of setting and sharing boundaries
(19:34) Constructive conflict
(22:07) Outro

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:00

Next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. We hope you enjoyed our latest episode, yesterday's episode number 1,664,. Are you Actually Doing it For Yourself Today? For episode number 1,665, the Difference Between Rules and Boundaries. In 665, the difference between rules and boundaries.

Speaker 1 0:24

So, as we talked about in the ending of yesterday's episode on our meetup about self-worth, somebody asked a question about what's the difference between rules and boundaries and I'm 99.9% sure Amy wrote in the chat today that she asked that question. Nice, and there's a couple layers to it, because if you've never practiced setting boundaries before, you might not really know what a boundary is Right. It's very easy to forget. If you've been doing something for a long time, it's easy to forget what it was like in the very beginning when you didn't know how to do that thing. You might not have even known what that thing was.

Speaker 1 1:02

And then, what does a boundary feel like versus a rule? What is a boundary setting look like? Like what is a rule? What happens when somebody breaks a rule? What happens when somebody breaks a boundary? So you and I were reflecting on the monthly meetup and Alan said what if we did an episode on that? And I said I think that'll be a super, it'll be a deep episode, because it's I don't know if I have the answer the difference between a rule and a boundary. The best I could come up with right off the top of my head during the meetup was rules affect multiple people. Boundaries affect you more than anyone else. So the reason I put it that way I was thinking of this.

Speaker 2 1:47

You did a lot of snowboarding.

Speaker 1 1:49

Big fan, big fan of snowboarding. The rules are don't fly by someone, don't go too fast, don't weave in and out of people, that type of stuff, because if you do that you might hurt someone. But there's boundaries, that you're not supposed to go down the glades, you're not supposed to go near this thing, you're not supposed to go in this uncharted area. They set up boundaries so you don't do that.

Speaker 2 2:16

If you go do that, so you don't get deaded.

Speaker 1 2:18

You might get hurt.

Speaker 2 2:19

Yeah.

Speaker 1 2:19

But nobody else is. Because there's nobody else there doing it, you're not supposed to do it. You're not supposed to cross the boundary. I don't know what's going to happen to you if you cross the boundary. You might not come back.

Speaker 1 2:31

So if we're talking about internal rules and internal boundaries, I think rules are things that are really easy to look at externally. So, every night, please put your dishes in the dishwasher, like that's a house rule. Please put your dishes in the dishwasher, like that's a house rule. Please put your dishes in the dishwasher. Or we have a rule that and again, these are hypothetical, these aren't necessarily rules A rule that when you come into the house you take your shoes off, that's a rule Might be rules Underneath them is the boundary of why we do it.

Speaker 1 3:01

Well, for me, I get super weird when it comes to germs and people tracking stuff into the house. Maybe that's a boundary? A boundary is germs, the behaviors around that. A boundary is something where nobody else knows if it's being broken except for you, and it really doesn't affect anyone else except for you Until you communicate it, until you communicate it. But that's why it's so hard to communicate, because you're taking something that affects you and you're sharing how much that thing affects you with someone else, and that is where things can get wonky. So that's the best interpretation I have is rules are external and for everyone to follow. Boundaries are internal and they're up to you to uphold. I don't know if you can expect anyone else to hold your boundaries for you, especially if they don't know them yet. That's what I would say.

Speaker 2 4:07

How can they uphold a rule that isn't explicitly communicated? Same thing, right? Yeah, so speed limit Mm-hmm. Is it unsafe to drive 66? Or, and this is the fascinating thing, right, I always used to think about this, and maybe I'm weird, but it's not unsafe to drive 66. Statistically speaking, there are less accidents when people drive 65 or lower on the highway, but there's other highways in the middle of the country that are 75 miles an hour. I know different countries have kilometers, which probably makes a lot more sense. To be honest, for some reason, the US was like you know what this metric system we're going to?

Speaker 1 4:50

can it? I still don't understand any. I understand the differences, but I don't the metric system makes infinitely more sense. Does it make more sense? Yeah, significantly more sense in every regard. We'll just do the opposite.

Speaker 2 5:03

A big fan of the United States in many regards, but that is not one I am a fan of. For some reason we just made our own stupid thing. But anyways, the rule of 65 miles per hour, let's just say Does that mean that driving 70 is super unsafe? No, it means that, statistically speaking, if more people drive 70, then more accidents will happen and more people will get hurt. And so we're all trying to.

Speaker 2 5:32

When kids are born, they're always trying to push the boundaries. I remember when I was a teenager I was always trying to find the limits. I always wanted to find the boundaries of everything. I needed to understand why we did what we did and how it all worked and all that kind of stuff. And teenagers can be very reckless. I'm sure you and I can relate to that. There are several reckless things that I did to find the boundary, to find the limits, and the truth of the matter is, when it comes to your growth, you actually do have to find your own limits.

Speaker 2 6:14

So, like last night, I was telling Kev this morning. I woke up this morning going damn, Emilia and I have been ping-ponging back and forth a little bit this kind of cold or whatever this is, and I kind of knew every day, and if you do a big five to thrive, it's awesome because you keep promises to yourself, you build self-worth. But it's brutal. It's really, really, really hard to keep up with. It's obnoxiously hard to keep up with, to be honest. But anyway, so I was at midnight the other night. It was sleeting, freezing rain. I hadn't exercised yet, so I went out in the cold and I was like I could go on the treadmill. I could go downstairs, go on the treadmill. I was like you know what? I want to get out in nature? I want to go under the stars. Stars, it's raining out.

Speaker 2 6:50

Lack thereof. But the point yeah, the point is I wanted some fresh air. Yeah, that was a mistake Freezing boundaries, I pushed my limits too far and I got sick. The problem in life and this is kind of I'll bring this back to boundaries, I promise but one of the reasons why we don't grow to our maximum potential is because every time we push our limits, bad things happen.

Speaker 1 7:17

The saying you either stay humble or you get humbled.

Speaker 2 7:21

That is so true. Every time I push a limit or push a boundary, I grow, but I also get smacked down. Now, unfortunately, a lot of us get smacked down by people that are haters or they're tearing you down, that kind of thing. I'm talking about life smacking you down. I'm talking about you work too hard for too long, you burn out, you get sick. You work too hard for too long, you get injured in the gym. You push the limits. You're like, okay, well, we're not spending a ton of quality time together, but that's okay, that's okay, that's okay, that's okay Until eventually, it's like, listen, we're not connected, what's going on? So you got to be careful and so that's, I think, external boundaries. I feel like that's pushing the limits, the bounds of your potential. That's a different thing. What we're talking about is internal boundaries, which is setting the guardrails up for other people to respect you.

Speaker 2 8:12

Emilia said this one time on the Conscious Couples podcast. She said a boundary is honoring a core value. It's a moat that you build around your castle to protect your core values. So, for example, when we were at next level live, I pulled up a slide that had tucker, tilly and tiger lily on it. I know tucker, tilly and tau, my two cats and my dog, and at the top there was an orc and I asked everyone in the room uh, who here's ever seen lord of the rings, the two towers? And everyone you know put their hand up. Almost everyone, kev, kev had his hand up.

Speaker 2 8:46

Not me, not Kev, because I said I bet you everyone's wondering why I have my three beautiful pets on here and then a giant orc from Helm's Deep. So if you understand the reference, in Helm's Deep they storm the keep. Emilia, when she's working, the pets will literally storm the keep. So Tauriel knows how to open the doors and they'll storm in right in the middle of her coaching call, and so it's my job to protect a boundary that she's set. She said please put them nap time, which is in our bedroom. We have a little Alexa that has a nap time playlist. While we're working they stay in the bedroom together. We let them out at 3 PM. But but if I don't do that which sometimes I forget because I'm busy or whatever they'll storm the keep and then, in the middle of her coaching call, she'll have three pets on her desk, and you know the deal.

Speaker 1 9:36

Of course my door is open right now. The cats sometimes they want it, sometimes they don't.

Speaker 2 9:43

I'm surprised Fudge hasn't made an appearance. No, Fudge is hiding Every now and then. I'll be on another podcast and I'll have my door open or whatever, and Tariel will make an appearance, but anyways. So the boundary thing I never knew that that bothered her until she had the courage to express it. No, and boundaries are not going to be honored if you're not expressing them. And then there's the trial period. You're not just going to be perfect. The moment that a boundary comes up, you can't expect the other person to completely. Okay, I'll never miss again.

Speaker 1 10:20

I think it gets harder. I think when you set a boundary it gets harder because if somebody doesn't understand why you're setting it, you have to explain it, and that can be super challenging. One of the conversations tara and I had was hey, when the door shut to the office, I I kind of need you to treat it like I'm not here yeah, yeah, but that's an entrepreneurship conversation, right for sure, but sometimes she'll poke her head in and say hey, I'm ordering groceries.

Speaker 1 10:46

Do you want anything specific? And it's the cutest thing. She did it when you and I were on a call recently. It's the cutest thing. She pokes her head in. It's the cutest thing but I was.

Speaker 2 10:54

So if that's her being playful with the boundary, like, yeah, I respect your boundary, but I also want to be sweet, you know so well, and maybe versus barging in acting like it doesn't matter yeah but then there's levels to the boundary of she opens the door super, super quiet if she doesn't hear me talking.

Speaker 1 11:13

Sometimes I come in here and I shut the door because I'm just doing deep work. I'm not on an interview or anything. This was another thing I wanted to add.

Speaker 2 11:21

Either that or Alan's on an epic monologue. Yeah, yeah, yeah, she doesn't hear you talking for 10 minutes. It turns out you are recording. I got a whole eye contact with Alan Rules rules are often upheld by other people.

Speaker 1 11:38

The boundaries you hold must be upheld by you. If I go 66, no one knows Unless there's a cop sitting there and I get pulled over for doing a mile an hour, it's probably not going to happen If my boundary gets knocked down. I know for sure.

Speaker 2 11:54

I have a story that I think is a. I've never been traditionally great at setting boundaries and one thing I want to make clear to everybody. I think Kevin and I have these certain fundamentals that apply to everything. It's so cool, I think it's really cool the Richter scale. If you grew up in an environment with no boundaries, you might not even notice when your boundaries are being infringed. So if you're used to being disrespected, you might not even notice it, Because if you're used to being disrespected at level 10, you're not going to notice a level 2 boundary infringement. Should we?

Speaker 1 12:25

explain the Richter scale.

Speaker 2 12:27

Please.

Speaker 1 12:28

It's very timely. There was actually an earthquake in New Jersey yesterday that was felt in Massachusetts and New Hampshire. Yeah, I heard about that. I didn't feel it Same. I don't know why, but the relationship Richter scale is the easiest way to explain it is. There's an average of 10,000 earthquakes a year in California. Massachusetts where we had Next Level Live, I think has six. If you're somebody who grew up in California and you're used to an earthquake every single day, you might not feel it right. You don't feel every single one, but you move to Massachusetts where there's like six a year, you're not even going to notice those six.

Speaker 1 13:03

You're so used to it, you're conditioned.

Speaker 2 13:07

You're going to be those six. You're so used to it, you're conditioned. But wait, what happened? Yeah, there was an earthquake today, but it's like when, uh, southern people, uh they, they, it snows down south, yeah, like two inches, and all of a sudden they're like oh yeah, exactly, the state shuts down and we got we got three, three or four inches yesterday and it was like it's just another day nobody it's fine, nobody cares, but if you grew up in, let's say, massachusetts and then you moved to California, you would be losing your mind because every other day you might be feeling an earthquake.

Speaker 1 13:34

And again, it's all hypothetical, but the thought is, if you grew up in a household when you were young where there was a lot of shouting and a lot of screaming and hopefully not, but maybe violence, you're not going to recognize someone who is like upset with you or maybe poking fun at you or frustrated with you. Where, if you grew up in a household where there was never any raising of the voice, even a little bit of a raising of the voice, might feel like a 10 out of 10. Where somebody else might say, like wait, they just swore at you, like why are you so angry about that? Like that's like a two out of ten for me, based on what I experienced so I was when emilia and I were first looking for houses.

Speaker 2 14:16

It was just a three month period of during covid it was housing houses were going on the market and going off the market the same weekend. It was just crazy and I think things are still pretty crazy. I just don't know. But back then I knew because we were every single day studying the market, looking what was available, looking different areas, and I remember we went to see 12 houses on a Sunday. We were trying to see 12 open houses.

Speaker 1 14:42

Worst Sunday ever.

Speaker 2 14:44

And Emilia was trying to meet every open house appointment. She had the whole logistics like let's go, let's rock. And she's amazing at that. She used to be in real estate, so she knows the deal. So she's got the itinerary, let's rock. I don't like speeding around, I like safety in cars. I'm big on that. And she infringed on a boundary that I had never expressed and I said to her I actually we pulled over the car and I said please pull over. And I actually started crying and I said this is, this is not okay with me. We're rushing around Half of these houses we would never even consider and I just don't want to be speeding around. I feel unsafe, this kind of thing. And ever since then she actually got this little beautiful tendon not tendon emblem of the universe. It's hanging from her mirror, which apparently might be Is illegal.

Speaker 2 15:43

Yeah, it's illegal, whatever.

Speaker 1 15:45

The point is Breaking a rule, sir.

Speaker 2 15:47

Yeah, breaking a rule, but not my boundary. And she says that this is a reminder to her not to speed, because even when I'm not in the car, I don't like when she speeds.

Speaker 1 15:56

Of course.

Speaker 2 15:57

Yeah, I think that that you know. Obviously, my father passed away in a car accident. Cars are really dangerous. I just want you know her to be safe. So at the end of the day, but I, I did. I needed to have the courage to actually, because the old me wouldn't have said anything, the old me might have just let that happen and then just dealt with it internally, the anxiety versus actually having the courage to to speak up. And so you have to have the courage to express your boundaries and you have to be willing to take the feedback when you express them.

Speaker 2 16:27

So Emilia said I really like it when we do the dishes before we go to bed. So we wake up to a clean kitchen and I say, well, I really don't want to do the dishes past 9 pm, right? So you have to be willing to find a way to drive to five. I like integration rather than compromise, but at least you can find a new optimal. So Kevin and I do that in business all the time. Of course I say dude, you know this is a boundary for me. He'll say, well, this is how I feel about it and then we'll find a better medium Almost every time. There's always a better solution in between two great ideas.

Speaker 1 17:00

And we stand and fight.

Speaker 2 17:04

As long as we don't ruin it.

Speaker 1 17:04

Whoever's standing last will accept that idea.

Speaker 2 17:06

That is how they did it way back in the Vikings days.

Speaker 1 17:09

Yeah, we.

Speaker 2 17:10

According to the, show I've been watching.

Speaker 1 17:11

We do a shootout.

Speaker 2 17:13

Walk 10 paces.

Speaker 1 17:14

Do an ice duel. Yeah, a duel. Walk 10 paces and turn around, and then whoever lives, their idea is better. Yeah, yeah, right.

Speaker 2 17:22

Yeah, no, but truth be told, when you do share boundaries, just expect a little bit of conflict. And the very last thing I'll say on this episode is Emilia brought this concept to me that I never really thought about. She said relationships that think conflict are a necessary and can be a good thing always last and build better. So you and I don't consider conflict a negative thing. Obviously we consider it a negative thing if it's like awful and we're jabbing each other and being terrible human beings.

Speaker 2 17:54

But how do you build a relationship? You, you grow and you evolve and you have healthy conflict that creates a bigger, better, brighter future. And if you think, if you're always avoiding conflict, you're probably not setting any boundaries, you're probably building resentment, and that's not good Constructive conflict. Yeah, yeah. Constructive conflict, that's good, it's a good label.

Speaker 1 18:21

I like CEC. I like alliteration I'm a huge fan of alliteration. We'll have to do it. We'll do another episode on this at some point, Because I'm sure, as now, that this is something that we're actually thinking about. I'm sure we'll have new distinctions that we can share and new stories and new lessons.

Speaker 1 18:35

Next Level Nation. We have, as we mentioned yesterday I believe it was yesterday our next round of group coaching. We pushed back a week so we can make sure everything was neat and organized because we were feeling the feels of Next Level Live. It is Tuesday, the 16th. If you are interested and you've missed out on the other sessions we've had, we are looking for amazing, heart-driven, vulnerable, humble humans. You don't have to be an entrepreneur this could be your first time ever doing anything like this. There are no recommendations or requirements on that. Just be a good person, and you most likely are because you listen to this podcast. If you enter promo code NLULISTENER at checkout, you will receive 30% off and it ends up being $96.60 per month, and each month there are four calls, so it ends up being like $24 per call, which is a very, very, very, very affordable price, and the reason it's affordable is because we want to help as many people as possible. So if you're interested, link will be in the show notes.

Speaker 2 19:32

If you've ever considered doing coaching, this is the perfect way to dip your toe in without some crazy huge investment. So if you've ever been, like you know what I wonder what coaching is like. Try group coaching. This is a great way to dip your toe in.

Speaker 1 19:46

Tomorrow for episode number 1,666,. Social media is taking us off the rails. Alan and I had a really interesting, powerful, funny conversation before we did this episode, so we'll do that tomorrow for a little Monday episode. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you, and at NLU we don't have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow, keep honoring those boundaries.

Speaker 2 20:12

Next Level Nation.