Next Level University

#1690 - 1 Relationship Red Flag To Avoid

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

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In this episode, hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros dive into relationships, focusing on trust, privacy, and personal growth. They talk about the silent alarms and red flags that can hint at partner problems. Their chat is filled with personal stories and insights from coaching couples, shedding light on keeping a romantic bond healthy and satisfying. This episode offers honest truths and heartfelt advice, encouraging listeners to work on personal growth and communication. It’s a call to keep our relationship flags bright green and to bravely face any red flags with understanding and a solid dedication to the work of love.

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Show notes:
(3:54) Kevin’s red flag
(6:25) Trust an

Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Speaker 1

Next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. We hope you enjoyed yesterday's episode, episode number 1,689. You can't learn how to swim on YouTube, but you can try for sure. Today, for episode number 1,691, relationship Red Flag, to Avoid Technically it'll be two Relationship Red Flags, because I'm going to give one and Alan is going to give one, but mine, I do believe, will be better than mine.

Speaker 1

I wasn't going to say that. I was going to say it's going to be heavy. It's going to be heavy, it is a potentially heavy one and I think that I don't know, maybe we've all practiced this red flag or seen this red flag or experienced this red flag at one point in our lives or another. I think, alan, now, you know you ever heard the saying drunk words are sober thoughts. You ever heard that? Definitely, I think memes are that. Now, memes are heavy truths dressed up as comedy. I'm convinced of that. And one of the, the, the when you go to check your bank account and it's crickets or dust or like it could be a. You know in the Wild West how they have the things that roll across the screen. What are those called? Oh, hold on Something weeds, whoa yeah, why can't I remember?

Speaker 2

it Bush weeds no.

Speaker 1

Definitely not a bush weed, tumbleweed, tumbleweed, tumbleweed, nice. So it could be like a gif of a tumbleweed going. And then it's like when you open up your bank account and there's nothing there, something like that. It's funny because it's comical in that moment, but if you're really struggling it sucks to see that. It's like yeah, no, that's pretty much how it is.

Speaker 1

I've seen stuff like the red flag I'm going to give online before and I always thought to myself that is kind of messed up. It's kind of messed up that people, it's so common that there is like an entire culture on social media that can laugh at it. So this is mine. If your partner will not ever leave you alone with their cell phone, or I would even venture and again, I don't know, maybe I'm off on this I would even venture to say if your partner will not give you the code to your cell phone or to their cell phone, I would argue, venture to say if your partner will not give you the code to their cell phone, I would argue that those are two very potentially dangerous red flags, because why not Now?

Speaker 1

If we were to dig into that, maybe they have trust issues because they experienced something in the past. Okay, we can dig into that. But just as a baseline, if your partner gets super nervous every time that you use their phone, I would consider that a red flag. Same, from my personal experience and what I know and what I've seen and people I've talked to, I would consider that a relationship red flag. Does it mean it is in your relationship? I don't know, but I do think it's something worth taking a close look at. So that's mine.

Speaker 2

That's where I would go. I made the mistake, or not mistake of. So my first girlfriend first serious girlfriend, technically second was tail end of high school, early college. We were together for four and a half years, off and on, and I made the quote, unquote mistake of having a girlfriend while attending college. That was very challenging. It's a whole new world.

Kevin's red flag

Speaker 2

Imagine, okay, anyone who did go to college. You understand anyone who didn't, no worries. I just imagine high school, but way bigger, with no parents, and you pretty much do whatever you want and you don't have to go to class except for the tests and you can party, and the idea of having a girlfriend while going to college is just made fun of or looked down on because it's a time to explore, date, meet tons of people, that kind of thing. So, your wild oats, that is one way to put it. Yeah, I, I would call it running amok. So I, I did some running amok. It was an experimental time lots of parties, lots of fun, lots of people, bunch of different cultures, a lot of benefits from it, to be honest, which was really cool, because I I came from a, a small suburban town and then you go to a college that has people from all over the world. I mean, it was really, it was really cool, but anyway. So there was a time in my past where it would have been concerning for my girlfriend, who I was off and on with, to check my phone, and so there's nothing. I don't think it's uncommon, but I do think if there's nothing to hide, you really don't have to worry about it. But but on the other side of that coin, aren't, don't? We have a right to our own privacy, for sure, and that's why this, this, is such a fine line, because I remember one time emilia asked me what are your political views? And we've never talked religion, politics, we don't talk about a lot of that stuff. We talk about philosophy, meaning growth, that kind of stuff. And I remember we were at her family's place and they occasionally will talk politics very rarely but occasionally and I remember we were first getting to know each other five years ago and she said well, what are you? You know, republican democrat, all that kind of moderate. And I said whichever one takes away less freedom on pretty much every issue, I am for. Whichever thing takes away less freedom, I am the.

Trust and privacy

Speaker 2

My belief system is that we all get to choose. You get to choose who you be with. You get to choose your own life. You get to choose your own gender. You get to choose your own what you identify as all of that. As long as you allow others to choose too. When your choices infringe on others, then it's a whole nother ballgame, and that's where things get wonky.

Speaker 2

So to get back to the original point, though I'm in a relationship with Emilia and I promised her I would never lie to her, I would always protect her heart and I would always help her shine as much as possible, and there have been little things, here and there, where I would say something that I'd embellish, and then I'd have to come clean and say sweetheart, I actually only did five laps, I don't know why I said six, or whatever it is. So there have been little things that I just immediately catch Like did I seriously just embellish that? Did I just lie? And then I just catch it. But prior to that there was that for sure there was.

Speaker 2

I don't want to deal with my girlfriend getting mad that I'm at this party with other girls so and this girl's talking to me and that girl's talking to me and my girlfriend's gonna think that's such a big deal when it's not nothing's going on. So I don't want her to see some messages, because you ever hear this. Well, it's not. It's not that I don't trust you, I just don't trust them, of course, and it's I get it right. Girls, right, girls hit on guys, guys hit on girls, girls hit on girls, guys hit on guys. We're not going to have a dating episode here, but what I will say is anything taken out of context can be wildly misconstrued, and I think that's why people have such a problem with this. Kev is because, yes, it's a red flag flag, but what if it's an innocent orange flag or yellow?

Speaker 1

flag rather then, if your communication is a green flag, then it shouldn't be a red flag. Nice again, it's easy for me I'm married and I don't I'm not. This is quite literally the least of my concerns. This is not. This is something for me, that I I don't think about this at all. I give tar Taryn my phone all the time you can have my phone. I don't care, she gives me hers. So this is something I'm very, very comfortable with. But I know in the past I might not have been.

Speaker 1

Well, that's exactly it, yeah, but I also wasn't. I wasn't great at and I have room to improve, for sure on communication setting boundaries with people Like I've gotten DMs over the last however many years of something potentially sketchy and I just immediately say no, I'm no, thanks, I'm married or whatever that's happened. I got one, but you get fake stuff like that all the time. How many, let me ask you this question how many weird WhatsApp messages do you get a week from people that aren't real and you don't know? Ah, I would say at least one. Yeah, monthly.

Speaker 2

There's something going on Monthly it's probably five, six, something like that I've told Taryn.

Speaker 1

if you ever see me going through WhatsApp and you see a number that doesn't have a name next to it and it's something weird, I get weird crap like that all the time.

Speaker 2

Yeah, yeah, yeah, just FYI, yep.

Speaker 1

Just like I'm sure everybody else on here does on social media in some way shape or form.

Transparent communication

Speaker 2

Well, here's the thing, right. So Emilia and I give each other our phones all the time. I know her passcode, she knows mine, we have are hooked up to them. We also both drive the tesla and the tesla is hooked up to our app on our phone. So we use each other's phones all the time. But dude, you and I.

Speaker 2

I had a client once who came to me and said he was struggling with his girlfriend and this is years ago. And he said what would you do if emilia was talking to another guy? And I said, honestly, I'm in a place in my life where I don't feel like that's even remotely on my radar. It's not even a concern. She's not the type of person who would ever do that. I know her level of integrity. I think that if you've ever heard the quote, you don't solve problems, you outgrow them. And, ironically, the way you outgrow them is by solving them, by the way. But but I I remember telling him very candidly this was hard for me because I was afraid he was going to villainize me. I said the truth is she just never would. Emilia is not that type of woman she. If we had dated in high school, I guarantee you she would have when she was 17 and I was 18, well, if she was 17, I'd have been 20.

Speaker 1

24, so that's all the thing.

Speaker 2

Yeah, I'd have been 67. She's 29, I'm 35. But the point is I said that that's beyond Emilia's personal development set point is beyond where that would ever be a concern. Is it possible? Sure, is it probable? Definitely not. So I can't really answer that question. And I said, the fact that you're asking me that is probably proof that your girlfriend probably is not as well developed as you would like and you either have the courage to bring that up and hope that she grows through humility and work, or you deal with it.

Level of integrity and the importance of personal development

Speaker 2

Because she was flirting with some other guy and it was a phone situation and he found the messages and she was mad that he checked her phone and he was mad because there was flirting and it was a whole thing right. So, and and the other piece of this too we do relationship talks, coaching and we do events every month, and one of the events was bad advice from friends. You got to be careful of your partner's friend circles, because I have one other client, different client, who when they first got together, him and his partner, she had a bunch of friends that are single. She was like the only partnered person and he would get frustrated because they'd all go out like what they used to do back in college, and she's the only one who wasn't trying to hook up with some guy or dance or whatever. And again, it's all. I'm all for all that Like go do you, but that was frustrating for him.

Speaker 2

And so this whole phone thing, this whole red flag thing, what I can tell you is how do you walk the line of respecting someone's privacy? But you can tell intuitively the energy underneath that privacy, that need for privacy. There's a big difference between hey, can you please not, can you please give me the benefit of the doubt? I feel like you don't trust me. Why do you keep checking my phone? Why do you keep checking, checking my texts? There's a big difference between being overly insecure and really ruining the trust in your relationship versus not at all caring whatsoever and just trusting blindly. And so you have to trust your partner. But you also have to read the obvious signs and if, if he or she is kind of freaking out a little bit whenever you touch their phone, there is a red flag there for sure, and at very least it's got to be a courageous conversation.

Speaker 1

I think that's a really good frame. Is the energy? Say you're playing Spotify on your phone and your partner, or you grab your partner's phone and change the song and it's they like. It's like whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing? That's a little something. That might be a little something, yeah. So I like that. I think it's the energy behind it, versus if they said like, babe, can you ask before you grab my phone? I think that's a different, a different conversation.

Speaker 2

One little thing that just came up for me yeah, my ex-girlfriend. She threw me a surprise party in my mid-20s. That's the one scenario where it's like you sense the energy and you're actually your partner's actually going to propose like be careful, just just disclaimer on this episode.

Speaker 1

Be careful, this is a hard episode to do, because there are always. There are always things that might seem one way but aren't, but there are also things that might seem one way that aren't the other direction too.

Speaker 2

So I just I don't know you're gonna feel real bad at that surprise part. For sure, for sure, when you I just don.

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Speaker 1

I've seen too many people wear it as a badge of honor. That's kind of the way the meme goes, like when you're, whatever page it was, I saw it on. It was like when your girl picks up your phone. It's like Forrest Gump running Like, sprinting across the football field. It's like proverbially, proverbially, proverbially, whatever it is, get to his phone.

Speaker 2

That is just oh no.

Speaker 1

Yeah, I don't know, that's just. I think that's just potentially sketchy. That's all and I don't want anybody. Historically, you and I have just heard so many stories of people just being wildly mistreated.

Speaker 2

Yeah, definitely.

Speaker 1

Over the last seven years, we have been privileged to learn so much about amazing people, but we have also been hurt by hearing the negative side of that too, and I just don't want that and I just don't want that for anybody in the community.

Speaker 2

Yeah, the amount of stories we've heard about people being cheated on or mistreated or sexually abused or mentally emotionally abused it really is nothing short of alarming. That's been hard. That's probably been. It's been one of the hardest parts of the journey, for sure, because how do you stay optimistic and positive when you are constantly seeing the behind the scenes of how bad things can get? So, uh, my red flag, uh, you and I talked behind the scenes about this. It also has to do with energy, which is attitude. I. There's a couple words that have been coming up for me a lot lately paradox and attitude. I've been thinking a lot about people's attitude lately. You always joke. You're like watch your tone with me, watch your tone with me, watch your tone.

Speaker 1

Especially when you interrupt me, of course. But I don't mean it, I know. But if I did mean it you should watch yourself. If you did mean it.

Speaker 2

You should watch yourself. If you did mean it, I would be able to tell by your attitude.

Speaker 1

Probably not. I could mean it right now.

Speaker 2

You, wouldn't even know. Cut cut. Alan and I are in strange moods. It's all good, it's a good thing we have some time. We have some time. Okay, what was I going to say? Attitude, I do. We know. Alan, relationship talks coaching.

Speaker 1

Three and a half years coaching couples.

Speaker 2

Males and females, same sex partnerships and heterosexual, and you just notice patterns. Imagine doing something for three and a half years with all different couples from all different countries. It's been very, very, very enlightening, and one thing that I can share is the attitude. The energy between people is something that I never used to look at. I didn't get it. When you jump on a relationship talks, coaching session, imagine you and your intimate partner and there's the other couple and you can see the energy between each couple and imagine a double date. You're on a double date. You know intuitively. Which have you ever did? You ever used to do double dates? Yeah, back in the day. Okay, so you knew intuitively. Have you ever been on a double date, me and keith? Uh, shout out to keith.

Speaker 2

We used to go on double dates way, way, way back in tail end of high school and we I think, we had a run where we did we double dated for like a couple months with probably five or six different different people that were friends. These were girls that were friends and this is turning into a weird episode, but but anyways so you can tell on a double date you ever been on the double date where yours is going really well and theirs is very clearly not?

Speaker 1

Yeah.

Speaker 2

Or vice versa.

Speaker 2

Okay relationship talks, coaching sometimes feels a little bit like that, because there's rapport between me and the male, there's rapport between Emilia and the female, there's rapport between Emilia and I, but there isn't rapport with the partners, and all that is is underneath it is fear, scarcity. There's something they want to bring up, but they're scared to bring up, and so my red flag is anytime you are given attitude and you'll be able to tell so at the beginning of relationship talks, coaching call. Sometimes there's a lot of space between the partners and by the end they're kissing, they're snugging, they're cuddling, they're close, there's an energy there, there's a flow. So whenever you notice an attitude in one of the partners, we call them stingers. Whenever Emilia and I throw a stinger at each other, it means that we're upset with each other about something probably totally irrelevant. And so a lot of times we'll make jokes, and some jokes are playful and fun and other jokes are stingers.

Speaker 2

There, ooh, there was a little, a little tinge to that one. That was. That was kind of a jab. What's going on? And then you sit down, you talk about it, and always, when you actually have the courage to unpack it, there's always oh, I guess I was frustrated about this, this and this. I didn't realize, and so my red flag is when, when your partner has given you attitude, ego, that means something's going on, there's something they're not expressing, there's something that's frustrating them, and what's dangerous is asking so much and prodding so much that actually they get more frustrated. So you got to try to be aware of you can. You can turn a blind eye, which is not smart, or you can overly pry, which is also not necessarily smart, especially if it's a situation that's stressful, or they just got home from work. A situation that's stressful, or they just got home from work.

Speaker 1

When Tara and I were in Colorado and we eloped, we spent time with another couple while we were there for a few days. I've told this on the podcast before, but we were walking through the woods with another couple and it was husband and wife and the wife fell in the water. We were walking across a log and she fell in the water and he was not kind. He was very unkind with his response and I remember telling Taryn I was like that's done. That could never possibly last unless she just gives herself up, unless she just like disassociates for the rest of the relationship. That's never going to last. And they ended up getting a divorce.

Speaker 2

They did, really. Yeah, I've asked you this before, but can you share what you saw, that you knew was underneath it, because that was tip of the iceberg.

Speaker 1

I think disrespect Disrespect, if you're. This is something I've been really thinking about a lot lately. When people are on podcasts, like specifically when people are on podcasts and they talk about stuff, if you're willing to say that publicly, if you're willing to say that in front of all these people, what are you saying behind the scenes? Usually, when it's like swears and the way they're talking to people and talking about people. So it was that it's like you're willing to do that in front of people that you kind of just met. It's the attitude.

Speaker 2

Yeah, it is, it's ego.

Speaker 1

It's ego, it's not empathy. The person just fell in the water and the water was not warm, it was cold, like if.

Speaker 2

Taryn.

Speaker 1

I held Taryn's hand when she walked across the Of course Right, so for me it's just like that can't work. She's not going to be fulfilled.

Disrespect

Speaker 2

Way back in our day. I can't believe I'm saying that these days. Yeah come on, take it easy. Remember back in the day it was like if you tease a girl and that's flirting.

Speaker 1

Yeah.

Speaker 2

Sometimes I think people just really lost their way with that. Treating your partner like crap is not cool. No, no. It might have been cool in high school with your buddies, but that was emotionally immature nonsense, and so, at the end of the day, that can be chalked up to attitude too, which is my red flag. That person had a bad attitude, a negative attitude toward their partner. It's kind of like a bravado, it's an attitude, you're knocking them down.

Speaker 1

It's like you're intentionally knocking them down because you think you're entitled to and you're trying to gain status.

Speaker 2

Yeah, it's knocking someone else down to gain status. I have started to understand that that's happening way else down to gain status. I have started to understand that that's happening way more than I ever thought.

Speaker 1

I talked about that today on a podcast. We were talking Alan and I talked about this before, but I went on a podcast. We talked about the fear of success and he said what's a really good example of someone who's dealt with the fear of success? And I said Alan, so my business partner for sure. In the beginning I feel like that was I was terrified of failure. I couldn't understand how you could possibly be afraid of success. And I think it was vice versa. Alan couldn't understand how I could be afraid of failure. And I said one of the reasons. I said to him one time I said dude, I know, I know these are your friends, but like they kind of suck. They kind of suck, they're just not nice to you and they are tearing you down because Because I think it makes them quote-unquote look good. You know, if there's four people tearing down one person, the four people are doing it because they feel like they look good to the other three people and they don't care about the one. It's a pack thing, I think.

Speaker 1

All right, we gotta go because we have group coaching right after this Next Love Nation. If you want to join group 15 of group coaching which is not going to start for a few weeks, a couple of months at this point but we will have the link in the show notes for the website you can lock your spot. Why not? Better early than late and better early than never. And if you are looking to join our private Facebook group, we'll have the link in the show notes as well. Also, quick reminder, tonight is our meetup how to Level Up your Wealth, 6 pm, eastern Standard Time. Link will be in the show notes to register for that and then we will get you everything you need.

Speaker 1

Tomorrow. For episode number 1,691, it's Freestyle Friday, baby, and we don't know what we're going to talk about, because we don't know what we're going to talk about, because we don't know what we're going to talk about until we talk about it, and then we'll know what we talked about, and then we'll tell you what we talked about, because we'll know what we talked about. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you, and at NLU we don't have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow. Keep those flags. Green.

Speaker 2

Thanks, Elvination.

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Alan Lazaros

Host
Head Shot

Kevin Palmieri

Host