#1703 - Your Parents Aren’t Who You Thought They Were…

In this heavy episode, Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros explored family’s influences on our identity and the quest for self-discovery. They opened the dialogue by discussing how our caregivers, despite instilling many positive traits within us, might also be the unintentional source of insecurities, traumas, and limiting beliefs. This revelation is an insight into our lives and a universal truth affecting countless individuals.

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Show notes:
(4:29) Viewing your caregivers’ influence
(7:26) Facing your past and seeing it accurately
(13:02) Meet like-minded people and jumpstart your journey to achieving your dreams while optimizing your life. Join Next Level Group Coaching. https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/monthly-meetups/
(14:09) Kevin’s truth
(16:41) Deconstructing the heroes of our past
(19:15) Compare and contrast
(22:55) To look back and be more honest
(25:46) Outro

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:00

Next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. I don't know what's going on.

Speaker 2 0:11

My brain is not connecting very well this morning I did not sleep very well, so everything is. Jeff, if you didn't find that next word, that would have been classic.

Speaker 1 0:23

I was going to say nation, because that's the thing about it when you do it so often, you don't think about it. So it's almost like if you said hey, I need you to do it, just off the top of your mind, I need to do the whole thing. I know it's weird. It's a weird thing. We hope you enjoyed yesterday's episode, episode number 1,702. If now isn't the right time, when will it be today for episode number 1,703? Hopefully we can add some value.

Speaker 1 0:50

Your parents aren't who you thought they were. Okay, obviously, this is a very potentially heavy episode and the reason I wanted to do this episode is because many of your intricacies, many of your strengths, many of your positive traits are because of your parents, but also many of your insecurities, many of your traumas and your triggers, many of your limiting beliefs are probably also from your parents slash caregivers, slash family. I had a moment, alan, with you this was a couple of years ago where you and I were talking about our past and I was talking about a family that I really, really cared about from my past, a family that I had spent a lot of time with, really cared about from my past, the family that I had spent a lot of time with and I had this moment where I looked back with you and I said, oh my goodness, the whole family was alcoholics. I just never knew it. I never knew it. Every night after work it would be a bottle of wine and a six pack of twisted tea every single night. I never understood it, because they were really good people and they always treated me super well and they were kind and they were supportive and they were awesome, but they had their stuff for sure. I just never knew that everybody had their stuff.

Speaker 1 2:21

I remember I went to the doc so I too much information maybe. Well, yeah, I won't say it. I got a procedure done at the doctor's office and my natural tendency is to like let's have a deep conversation. Let's just let's have a deep conversation, love it. And I had a it was great hyper-conscious conversation. I had a great conversation with a doctor and I had a moment where I I used to think doctors knew everything about everything and they know a lot about some things, just like everybody knows a lot about something. But I had another similar moment where it was like, oh my goodness, you know a lot about what you know a lot about, but outside of that you probably don't. You know a lot about what you know a lot about, but outside of that you probably don't.

Speaker 1 3:06

I think when we're young we put everybody up on a pedestal, especially our caregivers, because we probably want the amount of certainty needed. And you give yourself that certainty by saying this person, is this, this, this, this. They have it all figured out. And then eventually, when you get to a similar age, you this, they have it all figured out. And then eventually, when you get to a similar age, you realize that really nobody has it figured out. Nobody really knows what they're doing. You know more about what you're doing today than you did yesterday, but I don't know if anybody really has it all. Nobody has it all figured out. So the goal in today's episode is to look back and just allow yourself to take people off of the pedestal, because as you get older, you start to realize that maybe you've put in more work than your caregivers have.

Speaker 1 4:00

Best example of this, for me at least, I met my dad for the first time when I was 27, and we met at a diner. We got lunch together. It's a whole story. We'll go into it in maybe a different episode. I don't want to take up too much time explaining it, but I was really nervous that meeting my dad was going to make me hate him more. And I had a moment where I was sitting across from him and I said, oh my goodness, that meeting my dad was going to make me hate him more.

Viewing your caregivers' influence

Speaker 1 4:28

And I had a moment where I was sitting across from him and I said, oh my goodness, you are a child, you're a child and I have done so much more work on myself than you have ever done on yourself.

Speaker 1 4:37

You could not catch me if you tried. You're a child, you're very underdeveloped, you can barely spell. When you text me, I never. It didn't make any sense to me, it didn't land at the time and then when I started reflecting, it was oh, you're just somebody who just hasn't done just any work on yourself. That's it.

Speaker 1 5:00

And that really helped me empathize more. But it helped me understand more that everybody is going through something. I just don't think we see it when we're younger, because we've never really been through the full cycle of growing through something, so you don't really know what it's like. So in that moment when I met my dad, there never really was a pedestal. But if you want to talk about removing somebody from the pedestal, that was it for me. I could never look at him the same way after that Ever Talk about a not great first impression of meeting someone. That was huge for me. That was huge for me. I don't know what would have happened if I met him and he was like a doctor or a lawyer or something I don't know, but that's a really good example, for me at least, to share.

Speaker 2 5:54

Good for you, man, because what Kevin just did there is call a spade a spade. Most people never do that with their parents and, as a coach who's coached so many people, I never understood how important that is. Facing your past and seeing it more accurately it's it's. I always use this analogy. Finding nemo came out in 2003. I rode my bike to the movies to see that movie it was. We were actually trying to see a different movie I forget which one and then we were so upset because we missed it and we ended up seeing finding nemo, which ended up being the best what a great movie.

Speaker 2 6:33

And you see that movie again as an adult. That was my second date with emilia. I set it up and we rented finding nemo. She actually texted me, yeah, last night about some of the texts from our second day. It it was really cute, but anyways.

Speaker 2 6:45

So when you re-watch a film that you saw as a kid, as an adult you see it completely differently. So you have to do the same thing. You don't have to do anything. You should do the same thing with your past. That's why therapy is so valuable. You go back into your past in a safe space that's private and you can call a spade a spade.

Facing your past and seeing it accurately

Speaker 2 7:08

Oh, I didn't even realize they were alcoholics, because when you're a kid, your parents are your heroes, whether it's conscious or not, and I'll never forget I was. This is a place we get sushi, called ky, and next to it is a liquor store and Emilia and I were picking up sushi. This was probably a year and a half, maybe two years ago, and I had this moment where I got super triggered. There was this guy who was clearly wasted, driving in parks next to us I never park next to this place anymore and he gets out of the car and he grabs his little girl she's this cute little blonde girl, she's dressed in pink and she looks up to him so much you can see it and he brings her into the liquor store, comes out with a bottle and a brown bag and you can just I just had this flashback of that that daughter looks up to him, she, he is her hero and he is such such a terrible role model. He's wasted and he's driving drunk with his daughter in the car and he's clearly spending money they do not have on alcohol. And that gets me really triggered and emotional. I don't know whether to get angry or sad or both, but there are people in my past. I'll give you one example. No one in my past ever called this person alcoholic, not one. And this person I'll give you one example no one in my past ever called this person alcoholic Not one. And this person I'll keep anonymous drank an 18-pack of Michelob Ultra per day, to the point where there was actually a joke. There was a joke that was a running joke that she would buy beer before she'd buy diapers. And it was actually a joke. That was a running joke that she would buy beer before she'd buy diapers, and it was actually a joke to where everyone thought that was actually funny and, by the way, she drank less than everyone else.

Speaker 2 9:19

So when you reflect on your past, maybe it's not going to be as dark and ominous as mine. It probably won't be. But what I will say is you have to call a spade a spade, and that doesn't mean there isn't any good people in my past. I need to make that clear. I need to make that clear. There's some bright spots, but there's way more dark spots than bright spots, and I was not free until I went back and faced my past.

Speaker 2 9:45

And so, if you've ever seen the movie the Lion King, it's my favorite movie for a reason Father dies when Simba is young and he runs away and runs from his trauma, runs from his truth, runs from his past. And then it's Hakuna Matata, which is no worries, pretend nothing matters, which is the dumbest mentality ever, by the way. And then eventually, by the end of the film, he meets up with Nala, which is someone from his past, and she says what happened to you? Why don't you take responsibility? You're supposed to be someone great. You're supposed to be someone great. You're supposed to face the past. We're all starving and Scar, the Uncle Scar, is ruling the Pride Lands and basically a horrible leader. It's a metaphor and you're supposed to come and help us Instead of this whole frolicky, take-no-responsibility crap that gets super romanticized, by the way way and trust me, I did that for many years.

Speaker 2 10:48

That's not my responsibility, so screw it, let's just have a blast. Let's party. If you can't fix it, party. Did that for a long time. That doesn't work. So you gotta face your past, and so you go back and you Simba goes back and he's still acting like a little cub and Scar is lying to everyone saying you killed Mufasa, you killed your father. And Simba eventually finds out the truth that Scar actually was the one who killed him, and he stops acting like a cub and he actually fights Scar and he has the courage to stand up to Scar and become who he was meant to be. And so, anyways, the Lion King is an unbelievable movie and it's a metaphor. The reason why it's an unbelievable movie it's a metaphor for all of us. We're supposed to go back and face our past. You had to go back and face your dad, and if you hadn't, you wouldn't be this man.

Speaker 1 11:37

Yeah, I didn't want to. Somebody asked me on a podcast. They said what's the most important thing you've done for your group? And I said that, see, my dad? For sure, obviously, the years and years and years of self-improvement, and that for sure, and therapy in the past, all that. But I said, if I could jot it down to what is the most valuable four hours I've ever spent that, that process for sure, because it removes that's the thing is, whoever you're looking at let's say it's your parents they're not any different. Your perspective is different because you understand things different. That's really what lands for me is.

Speaker 1 12:19

I had the opportunity. I was always the kid who, when I became friends with someone, they kind of brought me into their family. I was raised by my mom and my grandmother not a lot of money, not a normal family. And again, I don't even know what normal is anymore. I don't think anybody's normal. Whatever normal is what you make it, I guess. But I got the opportunity to see a lot of behind the scenes of families. I got the opportunity to be inside of the homes of many people.

Meet like-minded people and jumpstart your journey to achieving your dreams while optimizing your life. Join Next Level Group Coaching.

Speaker 1 12:48

Now, as I look back, I remember one of my friends at the time who had a problem with alcohol for a while. I don't believe they do anymore, but they did. They used to tell me how their mom used to make their dad sleep in the bathtub when he would come home drunk because he was like a closet alcoholic. Oh, interesting, I never recognized that before. I never knew that. I never saw that Interesting. Okay, how does that affect you now? Oh, okay, there's other examples of people who are like, really, really, really broke and they made a lot for themselves, but they still, unfortunately, have very scarce mindsets from when they were broke that they pass on to their children and they want to do something different and they want to break free of what they're doing. But their parents struggle to support them in that because they're so used to no, no, no, we grinded and we worked so hard to get us out of that so you wouldn't have to struggle, you wouldn't have to suffer, you wouldn't have to have uncertainty.

Kevin's truth

Speaker 1 13:53

But it's really hard to recognize that. It's really, really, really hard. I don't. This is my honest truth. I don't think it's bad to look back and admit the truth. I don't think it is. I don't think it makes you a bad person. I don't think it means you care about people less. I don't think it means you are trying to hurt someone. I don't think any of that. Now you don't have to say it publicly, obviously. You don't have to go back to someone and say, hey, upon reflection, this is actually what I think of you. Now you don't have to do any of that, but just for your awareness, I think it is super important.

Speaker 2 14:29

Yeah, I'll give one more example. So imagine you grow up in an environment where you think the world of your caregivers as a kid they're your heroes. And imagine they're actually very arrogant, they're reckless and they are they are alcoholics. Well, that's going to create many blind spots for you in the future. What are the chances you're going to recognize arrogant alcoholics when where you grew up was that's just normal for you? So it it's almost like you won't value humility. You won't even think you're humble because you didn't know that other people weren't. It's until Kevin depedestaled his father. Until I've gone back to my past and depedestaled everyone and analyzed and assessed everyone on an equal playing field, I couldn't fully embrace my own self-worth. Until you de-pedestaled him, you couldn't see the full magnitude of how far you've come.

Speaker 1 15:36

It wasn't even de-pedestaling him. It was because he was never really on a pedestal. It was more just recognizing here's the thing, and this was a really on a pedestal. It was more just recognizing here's the thing, and this was a really good lesson for me. I didn't have any perception of him. So the first time I saw him I saw all of the truth because I had nothing to compare it to. I never saw him when I was a kid, I didn't. This was the first time as a man I'm seeing this other man and it is abundantly clear to me because there was no. I never had goggles on, I never had a perception. I never had. I don't have any memories of him. So for me it was.

Deconstructing the heroes of our past

Speaker 1 16:14

If we were looking at this human as a human, we had never met before and we had no bond. Because we don't, what would we think? That is exactly what I was thinking that day. I was trying to be as cut and dry as possible, as logical as possible, because I think that was important for me, to see who this person really was. But most of us don't have that. We don't have those circumstances because we're born and raised around a certain nuclear group of humans. For me that didn't happen, so when I saw him for the first time, it was just all the truth at once.

Speaker 2 16:51

One more really good example of this too I remember when I worked at a golf course, I was a bus boy and a cart kid and there was this one guy he was the golf pro, and I'll keep it anonymous, and I'm in the middle of a recording. Look, uh, yeah, we'll just keep going so. So, uh, production team, cut that part. So I'm working at a golf course, I'm a bus boy and I'm a cart kid, and I remember there was a golf pro and I'll keep it anonymous and he, when I was a young teenager I think I was maybe 16 the things that you think are cool at 16 as a young man are very different than when you're 35.

Speaker 2 17:39

So he would talk really, really sexist, he would talk really misogynistic, I guess would be the word. He would say these things about other people that worked there, like these other women that worked there. And he would say these things about other people that worked there, like these other women that worked there, and he would say and this guy was married, and he would say these really inappropriate things that when you're 14, 15, 16 years old, you think, oh, that would be so cool to be so cool. Quote unquote. When now looking back on those same memories. I'm re-watching the movie of that same memory going what a dirtbag. And I'm serious, I would never be like that now. He was my age then and he was acting like that to impress kids.

Speaker 2 18:27

Dude, I would never be like that, and so the lesson underneath that, rather than just my past, is we can't value ourselves at our true value and the work we've put in until we compare and contrast it to other people. That dude is not a good man, and I can't fully embrace how good of a man I've become unless I look at how not of good men I grew up around and that is the truth. And so Kevin and I want to become the male role models we never had. That has got to be one of my deepest, deepest pains, but also deepest dreams. And this is how you do it. This is how you do it.

Compare and contrast

Speaker 2 19:14

You look at the hard truths, the good, the bad and the ugly. Now you can't just look at the bad, you have to look at the good too. I was grateful I had a job. I was grateful I was given a job. I was grateful that I was born in a free country. I was great. So you got to look at the good too, but you do. You got to go back and you got to rewatch the movie of your own life, because there's so much gold in it. I can rewatch 34 years, and if you don't have a good memory, you're going to have to work on this, but I can rewatch the last 34 years from this new sense of awareness and I can reinvest it into my 35th year by making better choices, better choices than them, better choices than I used to make, and I think it's going to be tremendous when you look back and realize how far you've come.

Speaker 2 19:53

You are 35 years of age, but I'm in my 35th year. Okay, well, technically this would be my 36th year, right? Because I'm already 35.

Speaker 1 20:02

I don't know. So yeah, that's my thought. This is technically my 36th year. Yeah, I was going to say you're 35 and I'm 34. So you have 35 years technically to look back on. Yeah, you're right, but I don't remember when I was a little peanut, so maybe, like, maybe I have like 30 years, I don't remember.

Speaker 2 20:21

I don't remember. A lot comes around anywhere between 12 and 18 months is when you start to look in the mirror and realize oh, this is Kevin, this is me yeah, but I don't remember that you ever see your cats looking in the mirror, going this is me, I'm f, but I don't remember that you ever see your cats looking in the mirror going. This is me. I'm Fudge.

Speaker 1 20:37

Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, they don't really seem too interested in it. You don't, or they don't, they don't. I'm super interested in it. I'm the ultimate cat dad. I'm interested in everything they do. If I could just follow them around all day, I'm going to put a little camera on them.

Speaker 2 20:52

I have two cats, man I am also.

Speaker 1 20:55

No, mm-hmm, you're not. How many times are you taking your cats to the vet? One yeah, one time, yeah, get on my level. Son All right we got to go. All right. We both have meetings after this. Again heavy one Sit with this one. It doesn't mean you have to do anything different. I just think it's awesome to have the opportunity to look back and just be more honest. Nothing has to change. Maybe your perspective changes, and that's awesome. Maybe you look back and maybe you have more appreciation for your parents.

Speaker 2 21:34

That's another one. That is very true, that might be the case, yeah, yeah, I have one more thing I need to share. This is a very quick. I will go very quickly. I promise the other piece of this. When you look back, you are going to notice things you never noticed before. You're going to make connections you never made before. It's going to free you in some capacity. You're going to see yourself more accurately. What did you say right before I interrupted you? You were saying Go ahead.

Speaker 1 22:11

Nothing has to change. Your perspective has changed. It could. Your parents might, your caretakers, the people around you might actually be better than you remember.

Speaker 2 22:24

He's lost it, I lost it.

Speaker 1 22:27

I lost it. We switched from 10 am to 11. From 11 to 10.

Speaker 2 22:31

My brains are not used to this what is the main takeaway from this for you? Because I feel like I have a main takeaway and it's right there on the tip of my brain.

To look back and be more honest

Speaker 1 22:42

Nothing is probably the way you thought it was. It was probably. It was different Better or worse, that's up to you but when you look back now, I think you're probably going to see everything different and I think that will empower you, regardless of what the perspective is.

Speaker 2 23:04

What would be my main takeaway? You'll understand yourself, other people and the world more accurately, and when you do, you'll make better choices for your own future. And now that you are understanding the cycles of your past, you'll be able to break the negative ones and reconstruct your own future based on your own choices. Because a lot of this stuff is unconscious. Maybe you didn't choose to overreact like your mom or dad did, but now that you know that's what they did, now you can recognize it in yourself and then change it Fire.

Speaker 1 23:43

All right, tomorrow for episode number 1,704, similar to this episode, but different in many ways. What would younger you think of you today? I was on a podcast and I asked the host this question. I said let me flip the script on you, I gotta ask you a question. And the host was it was powerful, they started crying, it was beautiful, it was a beautiful conversation, so I want to do an episode on that. We'll talk about that tomorrow. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you, and at NLU we do not have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow.

Speaker 2 24:18

Go back and face your past. Next Level Nation.