Next Level University

#1709 - What Do You WANT To Want?

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

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When discussing desires, we often need to pay more attention to the gap between what we want and what we wish to want. In this episode, Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros explore that gap profoundly and how it influences our sense of fulfillment. The journey towards self-alignment is personal, fraught with societal pressures and internal battles between the person we are and the person we aspire to be.

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For more information, please check out our website at the link below. 👇

Website 💻  http://www.nextleveluniverse.com

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Show notes:
(2:19) Getting clarity
(4:11) You don’t want it bad enough
(7:11) Want to want
(10:35) What is maturity?
(14:00) Living in the truth and societal expectations
(15:24) Next Level Dreamliner: the planner, agenda, journal, and habit tracker to rule them all. Get a copy: https://a.co/d/f1FWAQA
(17:54) Dichotomy of duty and dream chasing
(22:06) Freedom of choice
(29:04) Outro

Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Speaker 1

Next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. We hope you enjoyed our latest episode, episode number 1,708, why Do People Stop Chasing their Dreams? That was a deep one Today. For episode number 1,709, what Do you Want to Want? Do you want to want?

Speaker 1

So I went on a podcast and the host and I were having a deep conversation about all things growth and self-improvement and he said sometimes when I'm talking to people, one of the questions I use to help them figure out what they want is what do you want and what do you want to want? And I and we didn't really dig into it because it was towards the end of the episode, but right when he said that, I said that would be a really good episode because really what that is is getting clear on your core values to a degree, your core values and your core beliefs. But I think that it also takes courage to admit what you actually want and it takes humility and a high level of self-awareness to admit what you want to want. In the beginning, alan, I wanted to want to be more like you and I think I did. I wanted to, and I also wanted to want to in different ways. I like being outside more than you. I'm willing to bet.

Speaker 2

I think you wanted to be like me to a certain percentage, and then you wanted to want to be more like me in other ways, but you don't. No, I think I wanted. This is a really good question.

Speaker 1

I wanted to be like you in certain ways, but but you don't. No, I think this is a really good question. I wanted to be like you in certain ways, but I also wanted I want to want, yeah, yeah, what do you want? Is the is the positive. What do you want to want? Is you pretending to be somebody?

Speaker 2

you're not, damn right I want to want to quit fast food. I don't actually want to that is as blatant as I can get.

Getting clarity

Speaker 2

I want to want to eat healthier and I and I honestly I'm on on the way to doing that more and more and more. Over the years, I've gotten more and more and more percentage. Yeah, but that's the truth. But the truth is I don't really want to fully so, therefore I won't yet, but I'm going to get more percentage, more percentage, more percentage, clean eating, less percentage, less percentage, less percentage, not clean eating, but I don't want to go from 80% to 100%.

Speaker 2

I want to go from 80 to 81, 81 to 82. I think this is a great question. I was so pumped when you brought this episode up because I think we are deluding ourselves constantly. I want to want to quit drinking, but I don't really want to. I have a client who wants to want to quit drinking, but she keeps drinking because she doesn't really want to, and we've heard that quote motivational videos. Well, the reason you're not doing it is you just don't want it bad enough. Honestly, brother, in some cases that's fair, that's true. I just don't want to quit fast food bad enough to actually do it, and that takes humility and courage to admit.

Speaker 1

Yeah, it's fair. It's fair. I think people when I say say people, just anyone watching or listening, I mean everyone, not you, whether you're in the audience, I mean myself, alan, everyone, we all would be way more successful if we just admitted what we actually wanted. Would we? Would we look more successful? Probably not. Would we be and feel more successful and more fulfilled and more aligned, probably?

You just don't want it bad enough

Speaker 1

There are probably a bunch of people out there who want to want, or think they should want, to spend more time with their families than they actually do. Yep, but what they actually want is they want to spend more time with their families than they actually do Yep, but what they actually want is they want to see them every once in a while and then not see them for a while, because that's just what is best for them. There's also people on the other side who probably want to want, or have been convinced they should Spend less time with their family than they actually want to, and I just think if we were brutally, courageously honest with ourselves, that would make everybody a little bit more successful right off the bat.

Speaker 2

Agreed. 1000% Cognitive dissonance is a distance between what you think of yourself and what is true, and I think that I used to. You would say things like what's a good example of this? You would say I don't lot of people who aren't mature enough to say that they want to be an entrepreneur and I want to work every day and I want to grind, when in reality, that's not actually true. Yeah, you have reached a level of maturity. I've noticed, noticed over the last year and a half or so, as I've observed you, you've been much more honest with yourself and much more honest with the listener. I don't want to quit Taco Bell. Well, guess what?

Speaker 1

you're not gonna you know what I mean rather than oh, I'm really trying to quit.

Speaker 2

No, you're not.

Speaker 1

I didn't want to quit smoking weed. I don't want to. I don't want to, but I think it's what's best. I want to want to, not want to.

Speaker 1

There's that piece of me that I want to be anti. I'm never going to do that again. But there's also that piece of me that's like, ah man, that sucks, I want to do that. But then it's the back and forth of yeah, but I know it's not healthy. Then it's the next layer of well, am I willing to potentially risk the future for now? And then it's like no, I'm not Okay. Then that's the end of the conversation and we move on.

Speaker 2

Well, I would say you went from I want to smoke weed to I want to want to quit. Where are you now? Now you actually want to quit? That's what it sounds like to me.

Speaker 1

Yeah, no, I don't think I was at I want to want to quit. I think I genuinely did. I genuinely did, but now it's it's I don't know. It's fun, it's fun, it is. It's fun, it's. I have fun, of course, but also I could say that for a million things. I could say that for a million things. So, yeah, a lot of this stuff is fun. Now I'm going to share something. Share it hey. So yeah, a lot of this stuff is fun. Now I'm going to share something. Share it hey.

Want to want

Speaker 2

F me up with the truth. You know I'm going to. You know what I mean. I F in love Swedish Fish. Okay, I love them.

Speaker 2

Today's episode is sponsored by Swedish Fish, brought to you by Swedish Fish. They have these new rainbow ones that are awesome. And I love movies. And on Saturday Saturday, I'm going to go to X Plus Leatherback Chair. Emilia and I far back, we already bought the tickets we're going to get Qdoba A huge Qdoba bowl with all the awesomeness. It's going to be bomb. And I'm going to get a huge bag of Swedish fish and a full cow monster Probably two full cow monster. I don't want to not do that. I want to do that. Now.

Speaker 2

There's a part of me that wants to want to not be a four-year-old when it comes to movies. I don't care enough to actually change it. So here's my point. We have these parts of us all right. Is little Alan a little immature and wants to eat and snack and have Monster? Yes, am I going to enjoy all three hours of that thoroughly and absolutely adore that, and we're going to go get books at Barnes and Noble.

Speaker 2

It's going to be an awesome date day, it's going to be the best day ever and we're probably going to go for a run. It's going to be great. I'll get my stuff done too. Professional Alan is going to wake up in the morning and do his morning routine and do his big five to thrive and track his habits, and he's going to be on point. And he's going to track the finances. And NLU is going to be good to go and I'm going to be CEO CFO Professional Alan. And then I'm going to go be a freaking four-year-old and I'm going to watch Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes and I'm going to eat Swedish fish. My point about this is that just own it. You can spend the rest of your life kidding yourself or you can just be who you want to be.

Speaker 1

Now will that change? Do you think that's it? What is maturity? Is maturity admitting? I used to get called stubborn. A lot People would say you're so stubborn and I used to say why stubborn? A lot People would say you're so stubborn and I used to say why? Why am I stubborn? Because when you make your mind up, you don't change your mind. Well, that's my truth. I was just honest with you in the first place. I don't want to come, I just don't want to go. I just never deluded you into thinking I do. Maybe I am stubborn, I don't know. I don't want to go, and does that mean you might look at me differently? Yes, I accept that. I accept the repercussions of this behavior because it is my truth, and there are repercussions if I go outside of alignment too for me.

Speaker 2

I think that is maturity, I think that is you being honest with yourself and I think that's you being honest with others. And I think there are consequences to being honest with yourself and honest with others. We had a team member who had a birthday recently and I have tried to be very honest with the team that I'm super overwhelmed and that please don't feel bad if I don't go out of my way to wish you a happy birthday. It doesn't mean I don't care about you. Bad. If I don't go out of my way to wish you happy birthday, it doesn't mean I don't care about you. But there's probably a small part of her that's like, wow, I really would have appreciated a happy birthday. That's understandable yeah that's understandable.

What is maturity?

Speaker 2

You being a little upset by that is your prerogative. Me saying you know what, alan, you're not gonna go out of your way for the rest of your life to wish people happy birthdays. You're gonna focus to go out of your way for the rest of your life to wish people happy birthdays. You're going to focus on the most important work in the world that you believe is most important as CEO, cfo, that kind of thing. Everyone will judge me for that, but I'm being honest with myself. I barely remember my own birthday. I had to make an honest, conscious, mature decision to say Alan, you're not going to go out of your way for the rest of your life to go wish everybody a happy birthday. That's my choice and I will accept the consequences of that. That's very mature, a lot of people. That's not making any of you wrong. Anyone who wishes happy birthday to me or anyone else, I appreciate it. Awesome, great, like you do you. There is something to be said for someone who just is honest. You saying I don't want to go is very candid and it's very honest and I think it's very mature. And I think most people myself included in the past are people pleasers who say they like things they don't really like. They say they love things they don't really love. They say they want to do things they don't really want to do.

Speaker 2

I had a client once. She's a mother, she's a mother of three and she is constantly back. Then she was trying to convince herself that she wants to be a better mom, she wants to be a better mom, she wants to be a better mom. I said, listen, you have got to stop. From my perspective, you're already a magnificent mom, genuinely trust me. I've met a lot of moms. You are already world-class mother. You want to be more of an entrepreneur and I know that you know that. Just own it, because your kids are going to get something that other kids don't get, which is an empowered, incredible, entrepreneurial, dream-chasing mother, and I wish that I had that.

Speaker 2

So I'm just saying whoever you are, have the courage to be who you are. I'm not someone who cares about birthdays. I never have and I never will, and that's okay, and I'm going to love me for me and accept me for me, and other people will or will not, and that is your prerogative. I think that's what self-worth is. I think you just start learning how to be okay with who you are, even if society doesn't accept it, even if your parents don't accept it, even if your friends and family don't accept it. That doesn't mean you you don't have to. That doesn't mean you don't get offended if I don't wish you happy birthday. You can. That's your prerogative too, and so I think it's very, very mature. The way that you've owned who you are I mean you and taryn choosing not to have children is also very mature, because most people think you're supposed to yeah, yeah and and and.

Speaker 2

The truth is, if you want to, you should, and if you don't want to, and then do. That's gonna create a problem for your children.

Living in the truth and societal expectations

Speaker 2

I know a lot of people that shouldn't have kids, that have them from my past and they never wanted them. So at least you and Taryn had the honest conversation and said maybe we'll adopt one day, but I don't think we want to have children. I think that there's something very, very, very powerful about staying in alignment with who you really are, because the truth is it's this weird duality of people can change and people usually don't. I'd rather you uncover who you really are and design a life around that, and I don't want zebras trying to be horses and horses trying to be elephants and elephants trying to be panthers. Why don't we just be what we are and realize that the whole ecosystem goes around, because we all are who we are, and realize that the whole ecosystem goes around because we all are who we are.

Speaker 1

I wonder what would happen if you were able to create something where humans could not understand or recognize or see what other people were doing, where there was none of that. You still had all the options, you had all the ideas of like oh, I could do this, I could do this, I could do construction, I could be an entrepreneur, but there was zero comparison to other people.

Speaker 1

Yeah, that would be wild, I'm curious to see, because then, if you said to someone well, you have all these options, these are all the options, these are all the options for you. You can do all of these things be a writer, a speaker, all these things, anything you want. Stay-at-home mom, stay-at-home dad, anything Teacher. What do you want, though? What do you actually want? Just like when you go to a restaurant. They give you a menu and you get to choose, and the reason you go back to certain restaurants is because they have menu items you really enjoy, because that's what you actually want and the reason you don't go to certain restaurants.

Speaker 1

I've never been to a Red Lobster in my life and I never will go. I don't like lobster, I like fish, but I'm not going to go to Red Lobster. Just get that anywhere. You can get that anywhere. I'm not going to go to Red. I've never been to Red Lobster, I will never go. It's just not for me, and I know that.

Next Level Dreamliner: the planner, agenda, journal, and habit tracker to rule them all. Get a copy:

Speaker 1

I think that maturity is admitting the after, just being honest with the repercussions. I think it's being honest with the repercussions. I used to be mind blown at people that were like stuntmen. We were talking about stuntmen and stuntwomen in a previous episode, where they would say well, I mean, if the parachute doesn't open as my chair almost throws me ass over tea kettle if the parachute doesn't open, I'm alright with it. What? What? Not only do you know that is an option, but if it happens, you're okay with it.

Speaker 1

You are the most courageous, my goodness gracious, but I also think that's. I think that's mature. You want to talk about doing something that nobody wants you to do. No, your family doesn't want you to be a rock climber who doesn't climb with ropes I know Nobody does, because if you fall you're going to die but in your being you say this is what I was meant to do. I don't know what to tell you. There's a guy named Alex I think it's Alex Honnold, honnold, honnold, and he climbed. He's world class, but he climbed one of the hardest mountains on the planet without ropes in the fastest time ever and he had that.

Speaker 1

I think he had a conversation about it and he said well, I understand. I mean, if I, I understand, if I fall, I'm going to die. How dare you? How dare you Like, I think, what is that? What is that person's family like? But that isn't that what you want for someone, isn't that? Don't you want someone to do what they love so much and you don't want to be the one to stop them from doing that?

Speaker 2

Yeah, but it's hard not to be selfish, especially if he does have children. I know there's a responsibility and so there's the duality right there.

Speaker 1

That's a moral, ethical question.

Dichotomy of duty and dream chasing

Speaker 2

Yeah. But at the end of the day, is he a father who chases his dreams regardless of the judgment of society and others, which is good for role modeling for his children, or is he the one who I'll share this story anonymously? I had a friend of mine who I grew up with, who had a mom and dad who they didn't particularly get along. They didn't fight. It wasn't a bad relationship, but it certainly wasn't a passionately in love marriage and growing up I always looked at couples and I was like, oh my God, this marriage thing looks terrible. Now I realize not exactly a self-improvement oriented bunch, but that said, I know we've got to jump soon.

Speaker 2

The young man my friend eventually had the courage to confront his dad and he said why did you put up with that? Mom is constantly annoying. Why did you put up with it? Why did you marry her? You obviously don't like her that much. You guys don't get along that well. And he said why didn't you leave her? I was proud of him for this Because you want to talk about a candid conversation.

Speaker 2

It's as hard as it gets. Right there confronting your father, he said well, it made a pretty fucking good life for you, didn't it? Whoa? Now this person keep it anonymous never stood up to his dad again since then. From my understanding, maybe he has. So if you're out there listening, please don't hate on me, for this point is is that he ignited the regret in his dad because his dad martyred himself for the children. What if his dad having the courage to actually end something that isn't optimal would have been what his son actually needed to see? And that's a whole nother frame.

Speaker 2

Now, I'm not judging, I'm observing. I wanted to see people who have the courage to chase their dreams and goals, regardless of everyone saying you can't do that or you won't make it, or who do you think you are? And of course, I'm on that end. Okay. I believe in freedom of choice. Freedom is one of my deepest, deepest, deepest purposes. It's just, it is your choice. If you want to like men like men, if you want to like women like women, I don't care. I want you to do what you want to do, because I want to do what I want to do, and I think that's what makes life great. I think what makes life great is we all get to choose. We get to choose. You want to be a snowboarder, go snowboarding. You want to ski, go ski.

Speaker 2

People used to say snowboarders should snowboard and skiers should snowboard and snowboarders should ski. And what? Why? I tried the trick skis, I tried snowboarding, I tried skiing. I liked snowboarding best, so I stuck with it. You have a choice and you're going to make bed and you're gonna have to sleep in it, and I think it's mature to be honest with yourself. And so I may want to want to eat cleaner and I'm getting my way there. More percentage, more percentage, more percentage. But I'll tell you what I'm obviously not in the place where I want to give up going to the movies this weekend. Definitely not. That isn't what I want to do. That what I want to do is what I'm gonna do and I'm gonna enjoy every second of it, and the moment that that's not aligned anymore, I will make that choice. I drank for years and then eventually it got to a point where it was like I know I need to quit.

Speaker 1

Yeah.

Speaker 2

I don't. I don't just want to want to quit now, I really want to quit, and so I did. And then I counted the days for Years, and I just was on a podcast earlier and I stopped counting the days.

Speaker 1

I don't even know.

Speaker 2

I think I'm five years, four, four and a half, I don't actually know. I haven't checked in because I don't count the days anymore, because now I just it's not a thing. I'm not a drinker, but for a long time I had to count the days to make sure that I stuck to that, because I was in the middle of wanting to, want to and actually wanting to, and so if you're out there, maybe you have some stuff that you want to want. Be very honest with yourself and own it. You want to smoke weed Kev, own it. You don't want to smoke? Own that too. Right, and be in alignment with what you say. Think, do feel and believe, because that's where fulfillment is really going to be. Um, I'm not quitting swedish fish.

Freedom of choice

Speaker 1

I don't care what you have to say about it well, I think there's a piece of me that feels like a hypocrite having a self-improvement company and smoking me. There's a there's a piece of that to me. I haven't worked through it yet, so so I don't know. I don't know where that's going to end up landing, but I think you have to want to want it. You have to want to want to do it before you actually want to do it. But you don't always, because sometimes you want to want something because you think you're supposed to and other times you want to want something because you're not ready to fully want it yet.

Speaker 1

A lot of wants in this episode. I'm glad we did this one. I'm glad we did this one. Hold on. I just want to make sure I give a shout out because again, this was taken from somebody else, so I want to make sure I give them an actual shout out. The name of the podcast is the Cast of All Trades Podcast. The host is Orion Siebert. It was a great conversation I do want to share very quickly.

Speaker 2

I also there's a small part of me that feels like a hypocrite too, for wanting to eat processed sugar while having a self-improvement podcast that talks about health. But here's the thing Do Kevin and I need to be perfect to have a self-improvement podcast? Because if that's the case, that's not what I signed up for. I signed up to get better every day in every way.

Speaker 2

That's not what I signed up for. We're Jeffed. I signed up to get better every day in every way that's aligned for me. I didn't sign up to be perfect especially not in the eyes of anyone else.

Speaker 1

Well, and that's the hard part too, and this is for everyone out there it's very easy for somebody to try to convince you to want what they want for you, and that was my. I had that thought at the beginning of I wonder how would that go if somebody reached out and said look, you guys can't be self-improvement and talk about fast food. You can't. But what if I'm doing more with self-improvement for me? Even if I'm doing that, you've exercised every day for however many years, however many days in a row, and you've exercised every day for however many days in a row several years? At this point I haven't. I'm not doing that, but I meditate and I am working on self-awareness, and we do have. Isn't that still self-improvement? I think so. But that same thing for you out there If you got a new job so you could spend more time with your family, that is potentially progress for you.

Speaker 1

But somebody else might say well, if you were a real parent who valued time with their children, you'd be a stay-at-home parent. Well, no, no, that's what they think you should want, based on what they think they should want. And that's where it gets all wonky. So just be very careful. Be very careful about that and just make sure you're the one who's accurate for what you want. People may villainize you for being honest about what you want, but I'd much rather people villainize you than you regret pieces of your life because you weren't authentic to you.

Speaker 2

One of my favorite episodes maybe you've ever done that was really good, having the courage to be who you really are, and the paradox of that is, once you own that, you don't want to quit fast food. What's ironic is, you actually end up not wanting to eat fast food as much.

Speaker 2

It's this weird thing whatever it is not there yet no, I'm not either with okay you're funny no, but seriously, when you own it, you for some reason now have control over it more. It's this weird versus trying to pretend that you actually yeah, that's a whole other episode, but I think it's very paradoxical.

Speaker 1

Well, because you're living in the truth.

Speaker 2

Yeah, you're living in the truth.

Speaker 1

Yep, you're living in the truth. Last night I wanted Burger King so bad. I wanted Burger King so bad last night and then I was like eh.

Speaker 2

Eh Couple Rodeo Chi.

Speaker 1

I love Rodeo Chi.

Speaker 1

Yeah they that good. But I literally had and don't judge me for this but I had canned chicken. You know, like canned tuna, I have canned chicken love. It's like 97 cents per can. I made a huge sandwich and I had some uh, ritz chips with it and that was it. That was my dinner. Nice, and a part of that was because I was just honest with myself. I was just super honest with myself. You might get, maybe I might get, burger King tonight, we'll see, but I know you want it. But are you going to regret getting it based on the fact that you know you have stuff here? It's that conversation of we shouldn't, we shouldn't anything. It's beneficial for me to worry as much about what's going to happen after I make the decision as before I make the decision.

Speaker 2

Well, look at how honest you were. You were honest that you want Burger King and you owned it, and then you were also honest with the fact that you're going to regret it. See how honesty is always the best policy.

Speaker 1

Here's the thing. As corny as that might have sounded, I don't think I'll regret it tonight, son. Well, then do it. Then do it, son.

Speaker 2

That's dangerous too.

Speaker 1

Yeah, it's an interesting conversation. It's an interesting conversation. All right, we're going to get out of here. You dig that.

Speaker 2

I do.

Speaker 1

All right, tomorrow you support it Tomorrow. If you didn't, it wouldn't matter, because I was going to do it anyway. Son of a B. Tomorrow for episode number 1710, some of the best books don't actually teach you anything new. Potentially, that's the title of the episode. That's not my stance, but we'll talk about that in the episode. I needed a good title and that's the best I could come up with, so that's what we're going to talk about tomorrow. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you, and at NLU we don't have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow. Keep it honest.

Speaker 2

Next level nation.

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Alan Lazaros

Host
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Kevin Palmieri

Host