#1712 - An Easy Relationship Mistake - Freestyle Friday

Regarding relationships, the true art lies not in avoiding conflict but in mastering the swiftness with which we resolve it. In today’s episode, Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros discuss the world of quick conflict resolution and the dangers of neglecting our relationships. It’s a wealth of knowledge that could be the game-changer you need.

Links mentioned:
Next Level Nation - https://www.facebook.com/groups/459320958216700

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For more information, please check out our website at the link below. 👇

Website 💻  http://www.nextleveluniverse.com

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Instagram 📷
Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/neverquitkid/
Alan: https://www.instagram.com/alazaros88/

Facebook ✍
Alan: https://www.facebook.com/alan.lazaros
Kevin: https://www.facebook.com/kevin.palmieri.90/

Email 💬
Kevin@nextleveluniverse.com
Alan@nextleveluniverse.com

LinkedIn ✍
Kevin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kevin-palmieri-5b7736160/
Alan: https://www.linkedin.com/in/alanlazarosllc/

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Show notes:
(1:49) Speedy transition
(4:09) Relationship resilience and compatibility
(7:50) Kink in a hose
(10:06) Next Level Dreamliner: the planner, agenda, journal, and habit tracker to rule them all. Get a copy: https://a.co/d/f1FWAQA
(11:16) Dangers of neglect in relationships 
(13:11) Notebook analogy
(15:32) The nature of progress 
(17:35) Outro

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:00

Next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your will. We hope you enjoyed yesterday's episode, Episode number 1711. Fear isn't a stop sign. Today For episode number 1712, it is Freestyle Friday. I was thinking of this, Alan, in this very moment, because I try not to come prepared on Freestyle Friday. I was thinking of this, Alan, in this very moment, because I try not to come prepared on Freestyle Friday.

Speaker 1 0:29

Remember when we interviewed Prepo Toplitsky, Toplitsky, Toplitsky. He's a relationship expert. Cool dude, Super cool dude. One of the lessons that I remember from him more than anything else. It might be the only lesson, honestly.

Speaker 1 0:45

Not that he didn't add a ton of value. I just tend to remember like one thing from each person. I remember he told a story about how him and his wife got into a bit of an argument and then she went out on the porch and he said something and she couldn't hear him. And again, I don't know if this is the exact story, but she said something along the lines of what was that love? And he realized in that moment that she had already overcome the argument and he was still in the argument. I think, based on that lesson, based on that story and based on life experience, that's one of the most important indicators of a successful relationship any relationship, not just intimate relationship.

Speedy transition

Speaker 1 1:29

How quickly do you go from conflict to resolution? How quickly do you go from maybe a potential break in rapport to bringing rapport back? And I was just thinking of that. I was thinking of that because Taryn and I are super stressed because we're packing and you and I are doing 20-something episodes. I've got to go get a haircut. It's all this stuff, it's all good stuff. It could be worse, for sure, but it's easier to be snippy when you're overwhelmed and anxious, definitely.

Speaker 1 1:58

My thing is always how fast can we get back to center? How fast? It's usually minutes. And then one of us will go hug the other one and say, hey, I did it this morning. Tyron asked if I could do. She said, hey, can you call the vet to see about this medication for fudge and ace? I said, honestly, I'm like I need to do stuff before. And then I, two minutes later, because I I wasn't, I was more snippy than I would have liked to be, and I went and gave her a hug and I said, hey, I'm sorry I was short, I'm just super spread thin. And she said, no, you're good same. And boom back to square one. What were you going?

Speaker 2 2:33

to say I remember when we traveled together we did. Your World Within Live on the 11th floor of a beautiful hotel called Margaritaville, overlooking the ocean. That was a hell of a and shout out to the last episode, that was when Evan Carmichael spoke, but anyways. So I remember that was the first time I traveled with you two together and that was actually before I met Emilia, but I remember I told you, I said you two are very quick to get back in rapport. That was one of the things I observed. I do understand now.

Speaker 2 3:02

This is hard for me to share because I think I'm a little bit scared of it, but I think I understand why people are intimidated around me. I think they know they're being studied, definitely, yeah, I don't know how not to do it. I must understand the people and the things.

Speaker 1 3:17

That's why I started to get more comfortable around you when I just admitted what I thought you already knew about me but had never told me. Kind of it's like the Eminem rap at the end of 8 Mile. It's like if I tell you I'm unorganized and I don't know that much, what are you going to tell me about me? You know what I mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and I know you already know it, you just haven't told me yet. So let me just let you know that I know, that you know.

Relationship resilience and compatibility

Speaker 2 3:41

Well, that made everything better. So keep it up. I think so. Keep it up. But I remember you. I said you two are very quick to get back in rapport. Yeah, and that was before Emilia and I's relationship, which I now am very, very, very, very quick to be back in rapport. Emilia and I get along very, very, very well. But prior to my relationship with Emilia, I always felt like relationships were really hard for me. I always felt like I wasn't good at them. It didn't and now I know some of that was incompatibility, quite frankly. But back then I was so impressed and it's not that I'm not impressed now, I just it's. It's less impressive now that I have my person, because it makes sense you know, when it's your person, it's easier.

Speaker 1 4:25

Yeah, it's easier when you have the right person.

Speaker 2 4:26

Yeah exactly, and but I remember that I'll never that you two would be snippy and then you'd immediately be back in like holding hands. Oh, that was so stressful.

Speaker 1 4:37

Oh exactly, and that's the other thing too you were the most stressed out ever. Yeah, that was a challenge.

Speaker 2 4:42

We were picking people up from the airport Valet Jeff you were, you might as well have been a valet driving and again at that point.

Speaker 1 4:51

This is what 2008, 2019 early 2019, I think yeah, there was very little money, yeah. So like we were riding the strut, everything we were, I mean, we took the team out and I think we paid for dinner. It was like I don't know how is this gonna work. It was, it was a lot of stress, yeah.

Speaker 2 5:07

Yeah, and then I would remember you being stressed, you being snippy and or her understandable Very little, it was nothing.

Speaker 1 5:16

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 5:17

But this was the first time I had ever really spent a significant amount of time with both of you and I remember how quickly you guys get back in rapport, so that is a huge thing. I was on a relationship talks coaching call yesterday. We do this hybrid, where I've talked about it before, but I coach the male, emilia coaches the female. We do one one-on-one per month each, so one one-on-one with the male, me and the guy, and then one one-on-one with her and the female and then one four-way call with both couples.

Speaker 1 5:45

And it is just. Let me throw something out there though, just in case. Yeah, if you are in a same-sex relationship, that's a thing too.

Speaker 2 5:53

I just don't know how you would do it, yeah it would be the same type of thing, except you would choose your preference essentially, yeah, yeah, and that's how it's worked out thus far. But we don't. Actually, I don't think we're coaching. We're not coaching any same-sex couples, but we do so if anyone is in a same-sex couple, like we do, fyi. So thank you for that. I appreciate it, of course, but anyways.

Speaker 2 6:17

So the hybrid model is what we call this, and it's really cool because I'm learning about one partner, she's learning about the other partner, and then we for very lack of better phrasing we cross-pollinate and and so on. The four-way call. There it's very clear to me and and one the couple yesterday they said I feel like we're in a fish tank and you guys are studying us. And it was, it was funny, it was a great call. I mean, we were laughing the whole time, it was awesome. But they're kind of talking to each other while we're watching them talk to each other and we're trying to observe their interactions and try to find the kinks in the hose. And by kinks in the hose what I mean is feedback that isn't getting through. Let me give you a tangible example, rather than just some esoteric fish tanks talk. Okay.

Kink in a hose

Speaker 2 7:02

So one partner is expressing a concern, the other partner is not receiving it the way that partner is trying to communicate it, the other partner gets triggered and defensive and nothing gets solved. Emilia and I noticed that and then figured out the root cause of why the other partner's triggered and there's always an insecurity. And so what's happening with this couple in particular and I'll bring this full circle is both partners are scared to give feedback to the other partner. And this is a Relationship Talks episode kind of in a way, because it's Freestyle Friday and I'm just kind of going off. If you want to know what makes a great relationship, it's feedback.

Speaker 2 7:52

I never used to know that If there's no feedback constructive, good, bad, ugly there is no long-term great relationship. You will be successful in your intimate relationship this is my new thesis to the extent that you can effectively receive and give feedback, and the only way you can do that is through humility, courage and vulnerability, whereas if you're constantly insecure and triggered, you, you, you kink the hose, nothing's getting through. So they were arguing about the dishes and how one partner thinks the dishes should be done a certain way, another partner thinks they should be done one way. You know how some things shouldn't be put in the dishwasher. Some things need to be hand washed.

Speaker 2 8:41

I err on the end of let me throw it in there and see if it melts. Of course that would be your stance and, by the way, same emilia and I. And, by the way, every intimate couple just for everyone out there has dishes issues. There is no, it's never about the dishes. It has nothing to do with the dishes. It has to do with the, the core values underneath and the beliefs underneath. So emilia didn't want wooden spoons in the dishwasher. I was like sweetheart, I'm not hand washing wooden spoons. What are we doing here? So you're not alone in this. I promise Dishes laundry.

Speaker 2 9:06

There is no couple on planet Earth who coexist together that doesn't have some level of conflict with these simple things that are fundamental, and that's why it's so funny on sitcoms. But my point of that whole thing is how well can you handle conflict? To your original point, kev, and then how well can you get back into rapport? But there are couples that avoid all conflict because they don't want to bring anything up, and that's what this couple was guilty of a little bit is they were really good at giving feedback for the other person's goals and dreams, but they aren't good at expressing their own frustrations. So Emilia and I recently we've been working really hard to express our frustrations, not only with each other but in general, like just voice them. I'm so annoyed that these Alexas don't work the way they supposed to, and then the frustration gets expressed. I don't feel suppressed and then we end up solving it. So she'll fix it or I'll fix it.

Next Level Dreamliner: the planner, agenda, journal, and habit tracker to rule them all. Get a copy.

Speaker 2 10:03

You're never going to solve problems that you sweep under the rug. And if you do sweep problems under the rug and avoid conflict, ironically you'll end up with bigger conflict later, and you might not be prepared to handle that. If you aren't practicing conflict resolution on the little stuff, how are you going to handle the big stuff? And, by the way, the little stuff gets big if you sweep it under the rug. So neglect has got to be the number one cause of failure in a relationship. Just pure neglect. You're neglecting your own health, you're neglecting your own needs, you're neglecting your partner, you're neglecting their needs, and then eventually it creates this huge conflict and then you don't know how to handle it because you've been neglecting it, and so, anyways, that's, that's what came up I just imagine a, I just imagine a rug, and then you like sleep, will you sweep a little something under there and it's flat still, you don't know.

Dangers of neglect in relationships

Speaker 1 10:56

Yeah, but like the second week, there's it's a hump, there's a little more of a hump in the middle and then first, first month, it's like the hump's a little bigger and then, like three years in, this is a mountain, you can't even the carpet. The carpet is now sitting on a top, on top of stuff that you've swept under it and you can't even see the the floor anymore. The carpet just like sitting on top, but it is. It's one of those things where nothing, really not nothing if your partner, if there's infidelity in the relationship or something, violence or something right, then overnight things can change. But it's just like anything else. It's if you eat more than you need for a year, at the end of the year you're going to notice a difference, but you won't day to day. I think a really good example of this, alan, is I don't have a notebook handy, but if you just take one sheet of paper and hold it out in front of you, it's nothing. And if you, then when you?

Speaker 1 11:51

put another sheet of paper it's also nothing, but at the end of 365 sheets of paper you got a whole book. You got a book yeah, you got a book, but that's only one paper a day. I know that's only one paper a day. So I am the analogy guy that is.

Speaker 2 12:08

Is it analogy?

Speaker 1 12:09

metaphor, the great metaphor. I don't, honestly, I don't know. I should probably know. The toilet paper is another one too. You ever again. I know it's a weird one, but you never really, at least for me. I don't, honestly, I don't know. I should probably know. The toilet paper is another one too. You ever again. I know it's a weird one, but you never really, at least for me.

Speaker 1 12:19

I don't go to the bathroom and then notice a recognizable smaller role when I leave well, you obviously don't use as much tp as I do maybe sometimes no, I'm kidding maybe after, maybe after taco yeah, that's very possible, that's very possible, but it's it's almost like you go in there and it's like I need another roll Again, again.

Speaker 2 12:40

Yeah, and then not only that, but you just bought a whole thing of rolls and put them in the closet. It just goes.

Speaker 1 12:47

It's just a day a day, a day a day at a time. I think water is another really good example of this. If you pour a ton of water on a rock, nothing's gonna happen, but if that, if the water drips on that rock every single day for years and years and years, that is quite literally how rivers were made not drops, but just as an example no, those are.

Notebook analogy

Speaker 2 13:07

Those are great analogies of the quickly quick, yes, quick ending for you. We got to go here in a sec, yeah so. So what do you? Got the neglect thing to your point. The last thing I'll share, to piggyback on the toilet paper thing, the piece of paper eventually becoming a book, the rock with the river metaphor yeah, yeah, strong work.

Speaker 1 13:30

I got them for days, yep.

Speaker 2 13:30

I was thinking about this this morning. I was so frustrated because last night I was writing and I published my 17th blog and I was reviewing it yesterday, and 20 minutes a day, 20 minutes a day. I've written 20 minutes a day, every day For all of 2024 and I had this moment today. This morning I got really pissed off.

Speaker 2 13:52

Weird little moment Because I woke up, I had a great conversation with emilia, I spent a little bit of time with her in the morning and then I immediately was behind. I was like massively behind today, and today is back to back to back. I have 11 calls today and so I just had this moment of I write every day why it doesn't feel like it's doing anything. But I felt the same way about podcasting. I felt the same way about, but I felt the same way about podcasting. I felt the same way about the finances. I felt the same way about listens. I felt the same way about gross revenue. I felt the same way about team members.

Speaker 2 14:24

It's invisible on the day to day. Progress is invisible on the day to day. I felt the same way about fitness. Even when you and I, back in the day when we were jacked, it felt like nothing was happening. You remember it felt so. In the day-to-day, your progress is literally invisible, and same with your relationship. But over the course of a year, two years, five years, it is wild how different everything is good or bad.

Speaker 1 14:52

Yeah, I'm going to use that analogy more Example, analogy, metaphor whatever of the notebook. One page doesn't seem like a ton, but when you stack 365 of those bad Larrys on top of each other, you get a whole book.

Speaker 2 15:06

A whole book.

The nature of progress

Speaker 1 15:07

My goodness. All right, I don't know what we're doing for tomorrow's episode because, again, we are just trying to survive. We're just trying to make sure we pump out quality episodes and sometimes that comes to us on the day that we record it. So please excuse our lack of preparation. Next Level Nation, our private Facebook group, where we're all about growth, getting to the next level, humility, courage, communication, vulnerability all that stuff is practiced and welcome. We'll have the link in the show notes and check out the website Next level universecom. We have group coaching up there, we have courses up there, we have all sorts of different stuff up there that maybe you don't know that we do, because we do a lot of different stuff that we don't necessarily talk about on here. So check out the website next level universecom. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you, and at nlu we do not have fans.

Speaker 2 15:58

We have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow. Keep make sure you're not neglecting things next level nation. Keep make sure, yeah, keep make sure keep make sure you're not doing things.