#1714 - We Only Know 1 Version Of Other People…

Learning about how we connect with others and grow personally is like going through a maze—each turn can lead to a discovery about ourselves and the world. In today’s episode, Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros share their experiences and explain why we connect differently with different people. This discussion isn’t just about how we interact with others; it’s also about understanding our hidden fears and stories that shape how we connect.

Links mentioned:
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For more information, please check out our website at the link below. 👇

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LinkedIn ✍
Kevin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kevin-palmieri-5b7736160/
Alan: https://www.linkedin.com/in/alanlazarosllc/

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Show notes:
(2:36) Interesting perceptions
(4:30) Recognizing and respecting the triggers
(10:42) Survival skill in the social jungle
(11:38) Cookies: Confidence or entitlement
(14:56) Next Level Dreamliner: the planner, agenda, journal, and habit tracker to rule them all. Get a copy: https://a.co/d/f1FWAQA
(19:02) Complexities of social dynamics
(22:25) 360-degree feedback
(24:18) Close bonds, real truths
(28:01) Outro

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:00

Next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. We hope you enjoyed yesterday's episode, Episode number 1713, One Way to Work Through Imposter Syndrome. Today, for episode number 1714, we only know one version of other people. I believe there is a country song. You and I are very privy. We know a couple country songs, some lyrics, and I think there is one I ain't as good as I once was.

Speaker 1 0:34

That's right. That is about sex. Didn't know that Taryn told me Thank you for my wonderful wife. Well, the rest of the, you want to say the rest of it, so people know.

Speaker 2 0:45

I ain't as good as I once was, yeah, but I'm as good once, as I ever was.

Speaker 1 0:47

Yeah, still don't understand it. I don't think it makes a lick of sense, but we're going to go with it.

Speaker 1 0:52

I think there's another one where it's. We used to say that all the time, probably at least too much. I think it's like Tim McGraw, I don't know. I don't know much about country music, but we were having a conversation and you were talking about, you were talking about someone that I know and you said well, you know, the interaction wasn't my favorite. The interaction wasn't my favorite. I feel like I was kind of a little bit disrespected. It just wasn't great. And I said isn't it interesting A word I used to use far too often Isn't it interesting how you and I have completely different perspectives of that person and we know a completely different person and you and I have never, ever, ever talked to the same person and got the same exact response ever.

Speaker 1 1:48

Isn't that wild to think of? And it makes sense why we all kind of live in our own little bubble. Because you and I could talk to the same exact person, we could go to the same exact restaurant, we could order the same exact meal, pay the same exact money. The same exact restaurant, we could order the same exact meal, pay the same exact money, the same exact tip, but it's never going to be exactly the same, correct? What's your take on all that?

Interesting perceptions

Speaker 2 2:14

I finally feel like I understand why I've been wondering that my whole life. In a way it's an exaggeration. My entire adult life, did you know it was different, though. Did you know? Intuitively, yes, okay, let's hear it. Where do I even start with this? I always wondered why certain people would treat me poorly and then why they would be so different to someone else. That has been something I've been contemplating for a very long time, and I think I get it now.

Speaker 2 2:54

I really again, not very humble of me I think I get it. So we trigger each other differently, everybody. This is a really good example. So Emilia and Bianca have a podcast called Evolve Ventures. Wow, evolve Ventures. I am cooked. We have Next Level University. We are two somewhat young men who are trying to add value in holistic self-improvement health, wealth, life and love. Self-improvement health, wealth, life and love. Self-improvement holistic in your pocket, every day, from anywhere on the planet, completely free, next level.

Speaker 1 3:32

That's right.

Speaker 2 3:33

Next level you the better version of you, is out there and it's through self-improvement Okay, so awesome. They have a podcast called Evolve Ventures and it's about holistic improvement, but more on the mental health side of things, we have listeners and clients and community members who are parts of both communities and it's really quite awesome. To be honest, I'm a big fan of the whole thing. We've got Evolve Ventures Society, evolve Ventures Podcast, we've got Next Level University, we've got the Next Level Audio Blog, we've got the Podcast Growth University. We've got a lot of improvement-oriented content for people who want to grow and scale their life. Awesome, go us.

Speaker 2 4:45

My point of all that is there are certain community members who are more drawn to them than to us, and what we've noticed, a trend on, is that they trigger women a little differently than we do, and women tend to trigger women more, from what I've noticed, and men tend to trigger men. So most of our listeners not all of them, so please don't take this and run with this too far but when we first started this podcast the hyper conscious podcast meets conversations, change lives way back seven years ago. Yeah, change the way you act, change the way you think, change the way you live. We were a couple bodybuilder bros. You were doing fitness shows. Back before me I was doing fitness shows back before me I was doing fitness shows, fitness model fitness competitor. It was you and me talking deep couple bodybuilders. I thought it was going to be men.

Speaker 1 5:12

And so did you.

Speaker 2 5:14

And we ended up with all these incredible listeners who were women and now that's been just magnificent in so many ways that we couldn't have anticipated. One of the reasons I think that is I could be wrong about this, but I think that we couldn't have anticipated. One of the reasons, I think that is I could be wrong about this, but I think that we don't trigger women as much as we trigger men. That's what me me in particular.

Speaker 2 5:32

I don't think that you trigger men necessarily for some reason I tend to trigger men and I think I think that might be. Maybe they think I'm arrogant, maybe they compare to me and they get insecure, maybe both. I don't pretend to know all the answers, but what I do know is we all have these exiles, we all have these insecure parts of us, and so when I said, I kind of understand this, internal family systems is something you can study. It's a modality of therapy that we've talked about a lot at NLU and Carol, my therapist, coaches me on this, I guess, therapizes me, coaches me, consults with me, and I've been learning it and I've been learning it deep and I love it. It's so good, best, one of the best things I've ever learned. As a matter of fact, I think, probably the most powerful thing I've ever learned. As a matter of fact, I think probably the most powerful thing I've ever learned. And even when I say that it's hard to say because my math brain goes well, what about math? But it's the most powerful thing. That's unlocked me and my life tremendously. And here's what it's built on.

Speaker 2 6:33

I'll give you the simplest possible form. We are all a system of parts. We all have four types of parts. We have exiles, managers, firefighters and true self. Kevin and I have been talking a lot at NLU about true self. But most of us, particularly when we're younger, we ping pong between exile manager, firefighter, exile manager, firefighter In other words, if you've ever said something to someone and they got super triggered and they yelled at you or snapped at you, it's like whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, brother, I, I'm sorry, I was just asking for pickles on my sub or whatever it is right.

Speaker 2 7:12

Apparently I don't like the guy at subway, but the point is, when you're triggered particularly and and one thing that I think a lot of people can relate to is if you're really big and tall and you're like 240 pounds and you're strong, a lot of people get triggered around you because they feel like they are in potential danger around and so, bigging being, I had a past friend of mine.

Speaker 2 7:35

It was six, four, 220 pounds pure muscle and he said you, you, your intensity would need to be dialed down if you were my size, because you're too much. And again, now I understand what that means and all that stuff. And back then I was like what are you talking about? Now I get it the, the energy that you hold and the physicality that you hold is very potentially triggering to the insecurities of others. And I'll give you one tiny example as well. I remember I had an ex-girlfriend her name was Courtney and we were in Newport doing the cliff walk and I've told this story before. She was very, very, very, very attractive and I've told Amelia that, so we're good on that front and she took off her top because it was really hot out and one of the, not the.

Speaker 1 8:19

I'm sorry. Sorry, didn't take off her top, my apologies, she took off her hoodie. I just want to make sure it's accurate, that's all, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Speaker 2 8:27

She took off her hoodie. This is not a nude beach situation. That's my bad, my bad. She took off her hoodie and she had a pink top on a bathing suit, bikini and the girl that was next to her got wicked triggered and she came back and I was walking near her boyfriend and she said why does she always have to do that? And I remember thinking what and I know what it was she's really jealous because she's not in great shape and my girlfriend is my girlfriend at the time and she got really triggered and again, all of us I mean kev, you and I were at a party once and there was a dude there that was jacked beyond all reason, definitely. He came in, show ready and you were triggered by that yeah, a little bit, yeah, yeah, for sure, and and and.

Speaker 2 9:10

That's okay, that's natural, that's, that's a very normal thing. So I think I figured out the reason. All of us trigger each other differently and we all need to ignite or dim down certain parts of us in order to belong with each other, and we're all doing mirror neurons. So if you want to stay in rapport with someone, you're going to have to mirror them, and if it's an inauthentic part of you that you don't want, you haven't developed or maybe you don't have.

Speaker 2 9:38

you're going to have to kind of ego up or fake it till you make it which might feel dirty or uncomfortable. Ego up or fake it till you make it which might feel dirty or uncomfortable, and so all of us kind of have to figure out what are our triggers, who triggers us and why, and what is my vibration and what are the rooms where I don't belong and don't want to belong, and then where are the rooms where I can grow into them? And then what are the rooms where maybe I'll dial down a little bit just because it's not the time for, I don't know, personal development or bodybuilding or CrossFit or whatever it is, whatever it is you're into.

Survival skill in the social jungle

Speaker 1 10:14

Well, this is a really good example of why, if anybody ever has told you you don't understand, you might not. You might not understand I don't know what it's like to be Alan, alan doesn't know what it's like to be me, and it ultimately becomes this. I don't want to say self-fulfilling prophecy. It just becomes a pattern, whether you're watching or listening. What's your pattern? Are you quote-unquote too much for people and do you get villainized? Often? That's a thing and I'm willing to bet that there's people around you that they don't have the same experience and maybe you think there's something wrong with you and that's not necessarily the truth. The reason I say necessarily is because I'm not going to say some people are too much. I don't mean it that way, but if you're entitled and over you and I, one time there's someone you and I were doing a how do I say this while being able to keep anonymity you and I were going to do a venue tour.

Cookies: Confidence or entitlement

Speaker 1 11:18

And this venue is supposed to have cookies and they were out of cookie. And the person we were doing a venue the venue tour with was super entitled and just like overly dominant, for no reason at all. Like well, there's no cookies, why aren't there any cookies? The cookies aren't warm, like all right, let's take it easy. It's not that big, it's not the end of the world. First of all, they're great cookies and they're free. Let's you know. Why don't you get over yourself?

Speaker 2 11:45

Why, let's you know? Why don't you get over yourself?

Speaker 1 11:46

Why don't you get over yourself Nice?

Speaker 2 11:48

I'm willing to bet. Good for you. I appreciate that.

Speaker 1 11:50

I'm willing to bet this person has gotten a lot of you're too much. I would bet money on that, I think, because they rub people the wrong way. That's what people feel around them. Well, this person's too much. Maybe they don't know how to express what they're feeling. Maybe they don't know how to say honestly you kind of give off a very entitled, not humble energy, and for me that is too much.

Speaker 1 12:18

Now, I'm not saying that's the case for you, whether you're watching or listening, because if you are someone who has a ton of belief in yourself, if you are somebody who has worked very diligently on your self-worth and you know your value not over, not inflated, you know your value accurately then you are going to trigger some people, 100%, 100%. This goes back to the episode we did where I don't know if 27-year-old Kev would like 34-year-old Kev, Because I think I would trigger him. Who's wrong in that? Am I wrong for being me now, or was Kev wrong for being Kev? Then I think it's a. I don't know if anybody's wrong. I think one of us is responsible. One of us is responsible, but then that's another layer of well. If Kev, if I am entitled in this moment, aren't I responsible too, and the other person's responsible. This is why it's so wonky, this is why it's so hard, because, depending on what your relationship is with someone who is more confident or less confident, depending that's going to dictate the outcome.

Speaker 2 13:26

The ingredients dictate the final product, that's my thought, the desire to Did any of that make sense Any of that make sense. No, I don't know if it landed for me, but I also am cooked.

Speaker 1 13:45

It's your fault, then let's take that. I accept that it's your fault in.

Speaker 2 13:49

what I said was Do you want?

Speaker 1 13:50

to re. No, no, no, I think it landed. Okay, yeah, I think it landed. I told Helen let's just get through it, brother, we're just going to get you through these next three.

Speaker 2 14:00

I told everyone in the last episode this is my 27th of the week.

Speaker 1 14:03

This. This is still. I'm pouring it out. Yeah, yeah, this is still. We're pouring it on here.

Speaker 2 14:07

This is good. I love it.

Speaker 1 14:10

I'm not scared.

Speaker 2 14:10

I got a little left in the tank. We're going to see what you ever see. Picture a car that is at the tail end of the gas tank and it's like and you're trying to get to the gas station.

Speaker 1 14:22

I was coming home recently and I had like 15 miles and I was like this is nothing. This is not a problem at all and in my car I have eco pro mode which makes it like much better on gas. I always have that on the highway Cruise control. Always I rolled into a gas station on zero, less than zero. I've never done that. I almost had a panic attack. It was like seven o'clock on a Sunday night.

Next Level Dreamliner: the planner, agenda, journal, and habit tracker to rule them all. Get a copy.

Speaker 2 14:47

The engineers, brother, they give you wiggle room. How much? I would say at least 10%, emilia, and I have that. There's something with Teslas where they call it range anxiety, because there's not as many gas stations. There's not as many charging stations and I said, sweetheart, we're good mathematically, we're going on a road trip, so I got to do some math make sure that we're good.

Speaker 1 15:11

Please call hit sweetheart.

Speaker 2 15:12

We're good mathematically we're going on a road trip so I gotta do some math, make sure we're good. Please call me when you guys break down on the side of the road so I can. There's always a plus or minus 10. Engineers need to make sure there's a buffer. Okay, yeah, it's a. There's a quite the there's a.

Speaker 1 15:20

There's a quite the buffer I figured, I've always figured that in elevators oh, yeah, it says like maximum weights 2000,000 there's no way.

Speaker 2 15:27

The maximum weight is probably 20 on that, okay, so in that case you can probably do get.

Speaker 1 15:32

Get away with 2400, gotta be more than that no but probably yeah, but okay, there is a breaking point, definitely a breaking point, for sure.

Speaker 2 15:41

So and you know, in an elevator, maybe you don't risk it.

Speaker 1 15:44

Versus you call triple a, get some gas. It's not me that wants to risk it, but I'm in there thinking okay, it says 2,000. There's 10 of us in here. Let's just say the average is 150, and that's 1,500. Let's say we're closer to two, are we good? So then in my mind it's like it's got to be at least three. They probably just lowball.

Speaker 2 16:09

Yeah, of course, of course they do.

Speaker 1 16:10

Yeah, they do that with bridges too.

Speaker 2 16:11

I'm an engineer now, so I'm a Makes sense.

Speaker 1 16:14

No, I understand.

Speaker 2 16:14

The civil engineers do. There's always buffer, always wiggle room. I don't remember what I was saying. What?

Speaker 1 16:20

was I going to say you were talking about how?

Speaker 2 16:24

who, oh, that person? So that person that you were referring to with the cookies? Yes, yes, I think that was an over correction for actual insecurity. They're overly dominant because they feel uncertain about their life and or they have deep trauma they haven't worked through. So the that person also was probably trying to put on a show for us. She probably thought and you said this before in past episodes you said she probably thinks that we actually want to see that Someone who's assertive, when in reality that was a cred hit, not a cred build.

Speaker 1 17:04

Yeah, that was not assertive, because how?

Speaker 2 17:05

you treat other people is really important to us. Yeah, they're just cooking. Yeah, that was not a cred bill, because how you treat other people is really important to us. Yeah, they're just cookie. Yeah, that's what I mean Just cookie. I think that some people would see that as confidence. You and I saw it as arrogance and entitlement. Yeah, and so that's a whole other conversation. But, at the end of the day, belonging is something we all crave, and when you're in rapport with people, when you jump on a podcast, when you jump on an interview, when you are interviewed, when you're in a conversation, when you meet someone new, when you're on a date, you have to find the same frequency. You have to get on the same page, the same wavelength. There's a lot of different terms for it, but are you on the same page? Are you on the same wavelength? There's a lot of different terms for it, but are you on the same page? Are you on the same wavelength? Are you relationship talks? Coaching, again, is such a a cool study for this.

Speaker 2 17:56

You can tell when couples are on the same page. They'll start the call a little disconnected because they're nervous, they're scared to bring something up. We set intentions. So one of the intentions was recently I want to talk a little bit more about compatibility and the whole beginning of the call was a little bit of a gap between them, physically and energetically. By the end they're snugging. They're on the same page again. They're expressed. So to the original point of this episode.

Complexities of social dynamics

Speaker 2 18:24

People will treat Kevin differently than me, no matter what we talked about, the speech we gave and that's been the coolest study ever, because the way people react to me and the way they react to you are so different. Because we'll get off stage and there'll be guys coming up to me and they'll shake my hand and I remember this one young man was super triggered. He's like shake my hand harder man, shake my hand like a real man. I'm like what, what? How tall are you? Six, two, what are we? Do you have a question? That's just. I think it's an energetic dominance thing. They need to, they need to establish dominance because they're deeply insecure and I've come to realize that. And so, at the end of the day, it's the most insecure people, I think who have to establish dominance. It's the most secure and certain people that can kind of sit back and not worry about that. But if you're triggering people, ask yourself is it because you're insecure and you're puffer fishing all the time and you're not being authentically you?

Speaker 2 19:29

Or is it because you're just and you're puffer fishing all the time and you're not being authentically you? Or is it because you're just naturally intimidating? And there's a youtube video that emily and I came across. She sent it to me and I thought it was really powerful and it said 15 signs you're intimidating everyone around you and it goes through each of them and I rated myself on each of them and she did too, and it makes sense. It makes a lot of sense why we're so intimidating and why we triggered people differently. So Kev and I go give a speech to the same audience and the attendees tend to like him better than me, and that's okay. And then there's a few people in the audience who think your speech was garbage and they think mine was awesome. There are always a couple, by the way, and and whatever, because you're going for the majority of the room, I know who these people are yeah, yeah and again they don't think it's garbage.

Speaker 2 20:21

They just don't, I didn't mean it that way, right exactly, and, and so, at the end of the day, the titanic, the movie, is not for everybody. We all want different things from different people and we all trigger each other differently, and so the problem with this is last piece of this. You're all the feedback you're getting from people is potentially inaccurate to who they really are and to who you are and to who you are. So all you have to question all the feedback you've ever got, and you have to have people, and this is why in organizations they do something called 360 degree feedback. Emilia was working for a company called alchermes and they do 360 degree feedback, and I'll keep it there because I'm not allowed to talk about anything more but at the end of the day, she basically every colleague is supposed to do an anonymous survey about Emilia, and you get feedback from all these different types of people People above you, people below you in the org chart structure, people who work with you parallel and the reason why this is so valuable is you get to see the common patterns.

Speaker 2 21:24

If one person thinks I'm arrogant, that's very different than everyone thinks that. You see what I mean. And so if you were to get an anonymous survey from 20 different people who all work with you and every single one of them says you're kind of arrogant and entitled. Chances are it's true, but if only one of the 20 thinks that, then it's probably not true, and that's. The problem is, we're not doing that often enough and so we don't get the feedback. So one team member thinking I'm a great leader is not a good sign of my leadership. If every team member thinks I'm a strong leader, that's a different story. If two don't think I am and 24 think I am, maybe those two don't fit in well, naturally, or maybe I suck at leading those types of people, and so there's a lot here.

360-degree feedback

Speaker 1 22:14

But there is a lot here. I had many points that have left me, and that's that. That happens. You know that does happen. No, my ultimate thought for this entire episode is look for patterns more than anything can.

Speaker 2 22:34

I help you. I just can't believe. I said my ex-girlfriend took her top.

Speaker 1 22:39

I was not oh, that's what I'm here for.

Speaker 2 22:41

I appreciate that you need to take it easy, man.

Speaker 1 22:44

I was waiting. I've heard you say it before and I was waiting for you to like, and then you just kept going. I said we can't have that. No, I appreciate it, thank you. Yeah, yeah, I want to make sure you know the truth is the truth. Look for patterns. What kind? There's probably a Newport Beach somewhere, a nude port beach. I'm wearing a Newport sweatshirt right now. What do they got to that? Are you really? Yeah, newport, rhode Island. It's backwards, I think, because on camera I'm mirrored. I think Newport, rhode Island Shout out Nice.

Speaker 2 23:11

Yeah, big fan.

Speaker 1 23:12

Big fan, I'm going to say it one more time. If you interrupt me, I'm going. No, that's not even good advice, probably because you just might be getting patterns from the wrong people. Mm-hmm, I don't know what my takeaway for this episode would be. Genuinely, and that's my truth, we only know one version of other people because we only know the version that we see, because they are that form of them around us. I guess.

Speaker 2 23:43

The true version of you is who you are when no one's watching. Yes, shout out to that country song when you're alone, yeah yeah, who are you when no one's looking?

Speaker 1 23:50

Who are you when no? I think that's about cheating, though, or something. Most of the good songs are about bad things.

Speaker 2 23:59

You plead the fifth. I don't agree with that.

Speaker 1 24:03

I think I like a lot of love songs Give me one.

Speaker 2 24:07

What do you got Celine Dion?

Speaker 1 24:09

A lot of hers are about sadness.

Speaker 2 24:10

My Heart Will Go On. That's fire. Yeah, but that's about sadness. You can make fun of me if you want. That's good stuff.

Speaker 1 24:14

No, that's one of my favorite songs of all time, but that's probably about loss.

Speaker 2 24:18

Yeah, it's legacy, legacy focused.

Speaker 1 24:24

Celine Dion, one of the greatest musicians of all time, probably doesn't get the shine she deserves. I concur, cool man. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know what I would say to end this episode, because I think it's this is what I would say the closer you get to someone, the closer you get to the truth. The more time you spend with someone, hopefully, the more of their truth you see, even if somebody's trying to hide it. This is why it's so hard. In the first month of a relationship, everything's perfect. Holding the door, everything's perfect, and then, six months in, it's like whoa, whoa, whoa. What happened?

Speaker 2 25:02

to all that Anybody can play a character for a month. Anybody can play a character for a month. Well said, that's so true I appreciate that very much.

Speaker 1 25:06

We used to say that all the time. So, yeah, that's my, that's kind of my, wrap up for this episode. All right, if you are looking for a group of individuals who can help you figure out who you actually are, because they are also doing the work on themselves join Next Level Nation, our private Facebook group, and what else If level nation, our private Facebook group and what else? If you would be so kind to leave us a review, we would appreciate that very much, because reviews don't matter in terms of the algorithm, but what they do matter is in terms of when people look at the show. Just like we look at Amazon, we go by the reviews.

Speaker 1 25:40

So if you have been impacted in some way, shape or form by this show, if you would leave us a five-star review or whatever your truth is, honestly, that's what we want. That would mean the world to us. And if you're not subscribed, please subscribe to make sure you never miss an episode. I know it's easy to go through phases where you're growing and then you're kind of taking time off, but maybe you need the little notification that NLU just released a new episode to kick your butt into gear Tomorrow for episode number 1,715, goals vs Growth. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you and at NLU, we don't have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow, talk to you soon.

Speaker 2 26:23

Next time on Nation.