Next Level University

#1719 - Can You Choose Not To Be Offended? - Freestyle Friday

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

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Is taking offense a choice? Most individuals will encounter it, whether in professional or personal contexts. In this episode, Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros explore this complex subject, offering a wealth of insights and practical strategies for navigating these turbulent waters with emotional maturity and authenticity.

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Show notes:
(3:57) Choosing your offense
(6:13) Emotional intelligence
(10:52) From reacting to reflecting
(15:23) Effective communication
(20:56) Intention behind feedback
(22:55) At NLU, we want you to win, so we’re providing tools and resources to ensure your success. Join our Monthly Meet-up every first Thursday of the month at 5 PM. https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/monthly-meetups/
(25:01) Growth and emotional resilience
(30:08) Approach grounded in virtue
(38:33) 10 pounds in 10 weeks challenge
(42:46) Outro

Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Speaker 1

Next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. We hope you enjoyed yesterday's episode, one of my favorite episodes of all time episode number 1718, the Truth About Leaving People Behind. It just felt real, raw, authentic, vulnerable. Those are always my favorite episodes. Classic vulnerable those are always my favorite episodes.

Speaker 1

Today, for episode number 1,718, it is Freestyle Friday. If you're new and you haven't heard of Freestyle Friday before, we don't really know what we're going to talk about, so we don't have a title, but we do know it's Freestyle Friday. I kind of do have an idea for this episode and the idea comes from the fact that I was on a podcast today and the podcast I was on today was a podcast that you were on earlier this week and you said hey, man, it's a really good show. You said it's a really good show. Two guys it's a really good show and I was awesome, cool, it's going to be a great interview. And it was awesome, awesome interview. It's called the A Squared Show. And one of the hosts said and we'll dig into this because you'll see why it's kind of a weird conversation but he said what are your thoughts on this?

Speaker 1

I had a conversation with a psychologist once and she said that life coaches are just failed psychologists. Does that offend you at all? And I laughed and I said well, first off, I'm not a life coach, I am a podcast coach and I've been doing that for like the last five years. And I said honestly, I'm sure there's a level of truth to it. I mean, the lower the barrier to entry for something, the higher the failure rate and the less skill it requires to get there. So I said a podcast is a really good example.

Speaker 1

How many podcasts are there out there that people are just they have PhDs in yapaholics and they just talk and they're really good at talking, but they're not doing anything else behind the scenes? That's super common. How many YouTube channels out there have like three videos and don't do it anymore? So I said honestly, yeah, I think that's fair. Three videos and don't do it anymore. So I said honestly, yeah, I think that's fair. I think that there's probably a lot of life coaches who aren't good at what they do. But I said isn't it like that in everything? There's probably a lot of chefs that aren't good at what they do. I said I don't know the stat, so please do not quote me and use this as the clip, but I think it's something like 50% of real estate agents never do a deal.

Speaker 2

Yeah.

Speaker 1

So there's really good real estate agents and there's also really bad real estate agents. And that was kind of my point in the whole conversation, the whole back and forth about this. And he said I really appreciate the fact that you didn't get offended, you didn't get upset with a question, and I wanted to talk today in Freestyle Friday about how much of being offended and getting angry at something is your choice. I don't know what would have happened if he said I talked to a really high-level business coach one time who said podcast coaches are just people who couldn't make it as podcasters or something. I don't know if I would have reacted different. I probably would have said well, the reason I can coach podcasters is because I did make it as a podcaster. But same thing, yeah, I know a ton of.

Choosing Your OffenseChoosing your offense

Speaker 1

I've been on a lot of shows and many of these people are also trying to be podcast coaches. When I talk to them, they don't know as much as I do because they don't have as many reps as I do. It doesn't mean they can't help someone, though that's the hard thing is even someone who is a life coach who has very little idea of how to coach and they've never done it before. If they've worked on self-improvement and they've worked on themselves, they know more than somebody who hasn't. So I think that's a very negative way to put it. But yeah, I thought it would be for an interesting conversation, because there are certain things that I don't get offended at all by. There are certain things that I do get offended by. How much is that my choice? How much is that my choice versus just the external nature of hearing stuff that makes you feel a certain way, thinking about where I want to.

Speaker 2

I told you you'd be surprised I was. I told Alan. Did you tell me live or did you tell me before?

Speaker 2

I don't know who knows, even Before, I think before, kev told me you're going to be surprised, and I remember thinking, hmm, and I wasn't at all until you did the twist of where I thought it was going versus where it's actually going, which is do you have a choice of whether or not you're offended? Yeah, I think it's a duality. I think most are. So I'm gonna say that I think you do, and don't you do have a choice, but not until you realize that you're offended. You ever have someone say, hey, I'm gonna tell you something, but please just promise me in advance that you're not gonna be offended, of course, no, I'm not gonna promise you I'm not gonna be offended. What if I am?

Speaker 1

I always say yes.

Speaker 2

I always say yes, no matter and then, when you do get offended, you have to suppress it the truth is, you can't promise something like that in advance, because you might be offended what is I?

Speaker 1

I was joking, it depends. Sometimes I'll say I'm willing to hear the feedback, but I can't promise I won't react a certain way, or I won't feel a certain way, or whatever. I was just kidding. Can you promise?

Speaker 2

that you won't be offended. Hey, kev, I think you're the fucking worst. Pardon my French for anyone who has kids in the car. I just we have fun. All right and Kev, I don't think you're the worst.

Speaker 1

I'm obviously joking swear words, yes, every now and then we're going. We're going back to the beginning, where we used to swear right in the intro.

Speaker 2

Welcome to the mother effing hyperconscious podcast a couple bodybuilder bros, who knew, who knew, who knew. So, do you have a choice? The answer is yes, but only after you realize that you've been offended.

Speaker 1

You have to acknowledge the emotion first what you think.

Emotional intelligence

Speaker 2

That's what it is. Yeah, I, I've been trying to learn about emotional intelligence a lot in the last couple years and the can you construct your emotions? Yes, cbt it's thoughts, feelings, behaviors. Cognitive behavioral therapy is it modality of therapy? It's the most common from my understanding, and it's awesome. It's. If you think a certain thought, then you have a certain feeling about it and then that feeling leads to a potential action and you can take back control of that loop. And that's what the hyperconscious podcast was change the way you think, change the way you act, change the way you live. A cbt podcast would be change the way you think, change the way you feel, change the way you act, change the way you live, which that's just too long of an intro.

Speaker 1

You only get three.

Speaker 2

You only get three in marketing, which is why everything seems so easy when it's not. That's actually a pretty big breakthrough right there, but anyway. So being able to construct your own emotions, I've been working on. Can I choose whether or not I'm offended by something? To construct your own emotions, I've been working on. Can I choose whether or not I'm offended by something? The answer is no, because my unconscious and subconscious belief systems will be offended based on how much they do or don't match it. So if you say, alan, you're an arrogant butthead, I wouldn't be offended because I disagree with you, and I think that that's ridiculous. Now if you said, alan, I think a lot of times you come off arrogant to the audience because you don't understand what it's like to struggle with self-doubt, that would hit, that would land.

Speaker 2

Whenever we're offended by something, it means something about us. It's called personalization. We talked about this recently on an episode and again, I can't take credit for a lot of this stuff. Emilia is the one teaching me most of this and there's a lot of research and clinical studies out there about all this stuff. For me, professional development was my jam for the first part of my life and I've really come up, I think, on more of the personal development and the inner work and the therapy and the mental health and all these terms. I didn't even know what they meant until relationship talk stuff. So personalization I now see it everywhere. I mentioned it when you said I'm not going to do the jujitsu competition. On a previous episode for the new listeners he said I'm not going to be doing jujitsu anymore. I don't know why I can't say that.

Speaker 1

Jujitsu anymore. It's a tough word to say, okay.

Speaker 2

Well, thank you. I don't know why I can't say that Jiu-jitsu anymore. It's a tough word to say. Okay, well, thank you. I appreciate it. I'm offended.

Speaker 1

No, also, you are an arrogant butthead.

Speaker 2

I didn't want to swear again, so I just said put it, I like it. Jiu-jitsu, got it Nice. Kevin decided not to do that anymore and then I immediately personalized that. What does that mean about the 10-pound and 10-week challenge? Dude, I see people doing that all the time. Every time we make a business change, kev's like I feel you, I see you, but what does that mean? For me? That's a protection mechanism. You have to care about yourself. Someone's got to and that's how you survived. That's how you got here. That said, emotional maturity is your ability to notice that and pull yourself out of yourself, observe it and and then act in a less personalized, offended way, so you can choose whether or not you're offended, but only after you get offended. And that's, I think, the truth. I don't. I don't think I was offended. Well, you probably just weren't offended, but there are times when you've been offended and you couldn't choose not to be offended Me.

Speaker 1

And that's actually that's not the first time that somebody said that to me. I went on a podcast before and they said the same thing. They're like I'm I don't really understand what life coaching is and I feel like it's kind of a scam. And I was like, well, you could, I mean you can effectively say that about anything scam. And I was like, well, you could, I mean, you can effectively say that about anything, right.

Speaker 2

What about the review that we got that said something about?

Speaker 1

you.

Speaker 2

That were a cult. You were. You were offended. That's very offended so. But you can't choose whether or not you're offended by something. What you can choose is your reaction to it, and then, over time, you can learn how to be less offended.

From reacting to reflecting

Speaker 1

I feel like the things that don't offend you, it's because they're not like square hits. Remember you played Battleship and I think a ship would be across like three different things. I'm thinking like it's just clipping the side. It's like eh, yeah, I mean I was a life coach for lack of better phrasing, and I have nothing against that. I know some people that are really good at coaching people on life. You're not a life coach, but you've been a life coach to me since, so I don't have any negative association with that. Shout out to any life coaches I know maybe if I still was doing that it would hit me in a different way. It's like, well, I used to coach on that but I don't do it anymore. But I think I'm just I'm trying to be very logical where it's like you could say that about anything. You ever been to a really sketchy car dealership?

Speaker 2

Oh yeah.

Speaker 1

Yeah, yeah, you ever been to a really nice car dealership, oh yeah yeah yeah, you ever been to a really nice car dealership?

Speaker 1

same thing there's. There's a lot of sketchy car dealerships for sure. When I take my car to get serviced, I remember telling alan I was like dude, I don't want to leave this place. I brought my laptop, I worked there when my oil got changed and everything. It was like they're bringing me water. Do you need anything? It's like what a coffee machine over here. Not every car dealership is a negative, has to be a negative experience.

Speaker 2

Yeah.

Speaker 1

So I just think of it from maybe it's three steps, maybe it's one. Is it actually personal enough for you to be offended by Nice Right that? What part? If it does offend you, what part of it offends you, and then what do you do about it? Yeah, am I missing part? If it does offend you, what part of it offends you? And then what do you do about it?

Speaker 2

yeah, am I missing one. It's so funny the question of why am I offended?

Speaker 1

that's, I asked that the only.

Speaker 2

That was the second second step I'm offended in the three steps that's the second one. First go through them again, please now I don't remember.

Speaker 1

Now you've wrecked my flow, you arrogant butthead one was. Does this actually offend me? Is it personal enough where I actually am taking on a piece of this? Second one is why. What piece of this offends me? Nice, what, what, um, what piece of this, am I afraid, is actually truthful and means something about me, hypothetically. And then the third one is what do I do about being offended?

Speaker 2

Okay, next layer of this conversation. Love where this is going. Can you be offended? And it's not anything about you.

Speaker 1

Yeah, it could be something about something you care about. Some people, person, place, idea, feeling, thought, like you and I at the airport with that drunk dad and the kids.

Speaker 2

So kevin and I were at the airport once and I had to put in earplugs because I was fuming about this belligerent drunk father who wasn't helping the mom at all and was just being an entitled butthead yeah, it was bad and you and I want to be male role models and try to be good people and he just obviously wasn't.

Speaker 2

And I'm just gonna say that I didn't, he wasn't, and we had to sit in that moment and go okay, it's not our responsibility to save the world one drunken, belligerent father at a time. So we're just gonna do what we do and hopefully those kids are taken care of. But at the end of the day, we were offended, even though it wasn't personal. But maybe it was personal because we grew up with our dads right. So who knows, maybe maybe that one was personal.

Speaker 1

I don't know if I would say I was offended I was upset offended is I'm offended, it's about me. Upset means it's something in the world that you think is unjust I would be offended if someone like I don't do I mean, nobody does this really, but I don't do well, when people talk negative, negatively about you, like that offends me because I'm connected to you, would it?

Speaker 1

offend you if you weren't connected to me I think, if I knew, let me look up the definition of offend, because we've said it so many times that I don't know anything. You remember back in the day when we because we've said it so many times that I don't know anything Remember back in the?

Speaker 2

day when we used to say a word so many times yeah yeah, yeah, Did that just happen.

Speaker 1

Cause to feel upset, annoyed or resentful Fair Commit an illegal act.

Effective communication

Speaker 2

Oh yeah, to offend. I think that offended is usually tied to identity, which is usually tied to belief about self not always, but it's fair if, if I say you would benefit from exercising consistently because you're overweight, anyone who is overweight, who identifies as being overweight, might be offended. Hopefully they're not, because obviously I'm using this as an example and I said it in a very virtuous, centered way, but I've been working really hard to how do you communicate truth without being offensive. That's an art, because there's a big difference between, hey, you're fat and I think that you would benefit from exercising consistently because you are overweight. But even then, I'm not telling you what to do, I'm just trying to help. There's a way to say things that are candid and truthful but aren't offensive. I've been working a lot. It's called nonviolent communication. You and I have a client who works on that and she's been wonderful.

Speaker 2

Yeah, she's awesome and she does a really good job with that wonderful client. Very, yeah, she's awesome and she does a really good job with that. And when I'm coaching her I can tell that I this is so interesting shout out to yvette big fan. She said don't worry, you can't offend me. And it was the first time I've had that said to me. A thousand times, trust me, I might, and I'm sorry in advance if I do. I actually believed her and the reason why actually believed her and the reason why I believed her is because she studies nonviolent communication and she's so emotionally aware and intelligent that I know I'm not going to offend her and even if I do, she's going to handle it well. So people say oh, don't worry, you couldn't offend me if you tried. Really. Really, the people who say that usually are the most unintelligent, emotional, emotionally unintelligent people. Well, it's usually ego, exactly it's ego.

Speaker 1

It's like you couldn't you. The reason I couldn't offend you is because you're going to immediately internalize it and then villainize me and then you're going to ego up it. So, yeah, you're going to get offended. You're just not going to react the way that I think you're going to react. Yeah, or you're going to get offended.

Speaker 2

You're just not going to react the way that I think you're going to react, yeah, or you're going to puff your ego out so much that it doesn't actually touch you because you have no vulnerability, and I think vulnerability is the opposite of ego.

Speaker 1

So the verb version, the verb definition, to cause a person or a group to feel hurt, angry or upset by something said or done. So even that I don't think is a really good. It's almost like because one says to transgress the moral or divine law. I don't really know what that means. And then there's a quote by William Shakespeare, so that kind of makes sense, but it's almost.

Speaker 2

Art thou offended thy.

Speaker 1

Thy by thy. It's almost like my favorite saying of all time. You're crossing a boundary. It's like it's an unsaid thing when you offend somebody. It's an unsaid thing that you're not supposed to say. Comedians offend people. Why? Because they say things that you just don't hear often. That's their job. It's their job to break your pattern and they say some pretty offensive stuff. Do you have the option to not be offended by it? I don't know. I think the more you personalize something, the more you're going to be offended by it.

Speaker 2

The more insecure you are, the more you're going to be offended by it. The more insecure you are, the more you will be easily offended. Yeah.

Speaker 2

And the more you work through your insecurities and your pain and your trauma, I think the less offendable you become. When Yvette said, don't worry, you can't offend me, what she really meant to say is it's very unlikely that you're going to offend me. I've worked through a lot of my shit. Yeah, and you had already told me, because you recommended Yvette to me and you said she's the sweetest and she's the easiest, most coachable. I'm not. I don't have to tiptoe, because normally you have to tiptoe around everyone's insecurities and I understand. I mean, if I tell you my insecurity and you know I'm insecure about it, and then you're hey, hey, I don't know if you know this, of course I'm gonna feel attacked.

Speaker 2

So how do non-violent communication with self and others game changer it's called a soft approach. There's a a big difference between hey, kev, get your S together, you kind of S, you kind of suck at XYZ versus Kev. I've noticed that you want this goal and it's really important. In my opinion and I think you probably know this already, but maybe haven't heard it externally I think it's important that you get more organized in order to achieve that goal, because, from my perspective, it's going to be really hard for you to actually get what you want in life if you don't come up in organization. There's a big difference. See how different those are. Yeah, 100% yeah. As a computer engineer man, I never used to. I was so direct.

Speaker 1

Is that? Do you think that's? Do you think that's bad to be direct? I think you think that's bad to be direct. I've been thinking about that a lot lately, like is it whose problem is it if somebody's direct and I get offended? Is it their problem or is it my problem?

Speaker 2

it's a great question. You know, I've contemplated that my entire life adult life because I was so direct. I realize now that I have high self-efficacy, so direct feedback works well with me.

Speaker 1

Yeah.

Speaker 2

When you have high self-belief and you're not super insecure, direct feedback actually benefits you. I had a client once I've said this before who said I want you to be as hard on me as you are on yourself. And when I told that to Emilia, she said oh my god, she would die. And what emilia meant by that without actually saying it is you can't be that direct with her. She isn't ready for that level of feedback. Yeah, and the reason why, and the best example of this, is when you called me fat. You were being Direct because you know it would help me fat. You were being direct because you know it would help me, Whereas you know that wouldn't help someone who is insecure about their weight. And I was delusional in your opinion.

Intention behind feedback

Speaker 1

So, and you owned it too Like I'm fat too Right, so that was also part of it, but I think it was something along the lines of Alan, you're fat, I am also fat, but I am not under the misillusion, the illusion that I'm in shape.

Speaker 2

I think you are more than I am. That was pretty legit. Even saying the word fat is a trigger for most people. For sure is, if we were actually fat, we would be offended by being called fat. And so the question was is direct feedback bad? I think it always depends. It depends on the person, it depends on the goal, it depends on the intentions and the approach. I always said this I want my intentions, my approach and the result to all be good.

Speaker 1

But whose responsibility is it to try to cater to the other person? That's the hard thing. Some people say that's just how I am. But what if I am the gasoline to your water? Do we just accept that and say, look, one of us is going to be uncomfortable, or do we? I guess it all comes down to, is it worth it? Is the relationship something worth working on? Much like you and I have done. If you and I were working on a project together, it's like, all right, let's get this book report done and that's it. It might not be worth overcoming all the things and the triggers and the opposites and the polarities that we have, but I think about that all the time. I can struggle at times. You gotten direct feedback.

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Speaker 2

That was wildly invalid from someone who doesn't lead by example a fair amount. If someone else had said that and they've never been in shape and they don't know how to get in shape, and they don't know what it takes to be in shape and they're just trying to be a bully, I would be offended. Yeah, but, but you weren't saying it for that, so intentions matter, it's. This is the question too, because do you walk through your whole life tiptoeing around everyone's insecurities? The answer is no, but do you walk around like a wrecking ball, not worried about anyone's feelings? You know those people? Well, I'm me, regardless.

Speaker 2

I think that's crap man.

Speaker 1

I do too.

Speaker 2

I was thinking of that today. I heard a clip earlier and it was this woman who said oh, don't worry about that. Like everyone's responsible for their own emotions, listen, you're responsible for your part in it, and if you go around offending everybody, just being you. There's a big difference between being authentic and being a dick yeah, I agree and and and that's the line.

Growth and emotional resilience

Speaker 2

So if you're overly, I think it comes down to fear. If you're overly cowardly and docile all the time and you're so timid and you can never offend everyone and you're in this little protective bubble of well, I don't want to offend anyone, so I never speak my truth, that's very different than someone who is belligerently ignoring the. I mean, think about it. You, you and I have said on this podcast 1,718 episodes. I was going to say 25. Apparently I round up and how many times have we said something? I used to say this. I used to say I want personal development to spread, like COVID, and I do want personal development to spread. That's the mission, but I don't have to say it in a way that's so offensive, and so you mentioned that that might not land with people, and so I stopped saying it, and now I tell a story about how I stopped saying it. So it's still me saying it, but it's not, and so, at the end of the day, I think it's important, I think I would be arrogant to not have taken that feedback. There's other terms that we've, so there's one term that, uh, we use every now and then that is offensive to one of my clients and it's the sicko thing. Now, here's the thing. And I told her. I said I appreciate your feedback. We may or may not continue using it, and for those of you listening, what we mean when we say sicko, we mean someone who is just a grinder they they will just subject themselves to massive. And and she knew what we mean when we say sicko, we mean someone who is just a grinder they they will just subject themselves to massive. And and she knew what we meant and we had a great dialogue about it. So if you're listening, we're good, but I remember saying thank you for the feedback.

Speaker 2

I will now make my choice as to whether or not I use it. And she said that's good, awesome, and we're good. And she's a long-term listener. She listens every single day and you say it, I don't say it as much. That's my choice. Now, am I doing that because I'm fearful to say it? If that's the case, then I need to say it and have courage. Or do I agree with her Right? And so I don't avoid saying it, but I don't say it as much as I used to, because I think that some people might be taking it the wrong way, but you can take that too far. We need to like our own show.

Speaker 1

I like the Sicko thing.

Speaker 2

Other people might not. And if we want more listeners, do we have to overly cater to the listeners and then hate our own show? Or do we overly be ourselves and then just F the listeners? That's an over swing, and so I think we need to all find a mature center.

Speaker 1

Well, isn't it overswing? And so I think we need to all find a mature center. Well, isn't it? It's? I think it's just a and that's good, it's really. It's a really good piece of information to have because, like you said, then you can make your, you can make your decision based on that. I think it's a question of how respectful can you be without losing yourself? That's fine or without feeling like you're self-sacrificing or abandoning yourself, because I was literally. I didn't plan on talking about almost any of this. This is why it's Freestyle Friday. I was doing the dishes last night and I was thinking of very similar. Where would I ever be okay with just saying I don't really care who this offends, this is just who I am. I don't know if I'd ever, if I'd ever be comfortable, because one of my core values is respect. So the least I can do is take someone's trigger into consideration and then say is it really that big of a deal if I never say that word again?

Speaker 2

No, I don't care.

Speaker 1

Cool Done.

Speaker 2

Maybe I probably will never say it again, if I do say it If it was important to you to say it, then that would be a different story.

Speaker 1

Yeah, I think it would almost be.

Speaker 2

I'm disrespected that you won't allow me to say something that means so much to me and when she said the feedback and I want to give this to her she was mature about it in the sense of and when she said the feedback and I want to give this to her she was mature about it in the sense of and you don't have to change anything, it's your show, because in my head that's the same thing. I handled the feedback and then I gave her feedback back, which is we're going to do what we want to do on the show. And there is that level of if you don't like the show and you are offended, you don't have to listen, but we are grateful that you listen and we obviously want to take in feedback from our listeners. And this is why leadership is so hard. This is why growth is so hard. You have to take feedback, parse it out, figure out where it applies to you and your goals and your core values and then somehow decide what to do next with that, and you will lose yourself if you're not careful.

Speaker 2

I mean I have shaped myself, reshaped myself, misshapen myself to try to figure out. I mean you and I have gone on this journey for a long time together, where I remember you and I sitting behind the scenes going I don't even like our show anymore. We've lost. What are we? A couple lecturers. And then there's the other thing of we were interviewing guests and we're like I don't even want to enter, I don't even want to post that. Yeah, it's our show and we have to enjoy it, because if we don't, we can't do this every day, but it's not for us. What an interesting duality, super. Yeah, we're not here for us, we're here for the listener, but we need to talk about what, what's inside as well, otherwise the content's going to be garbage. Imagine if it was hey kev, I was studying earlier today about the politics of blah, blah, blah and you were like oh really, alan, I, I'm so intrigued by that when you're not.

Speaker 1

Yeah, you can't fake that it wouldn't, it wouldn't be very good. Yeah, it wouldn't be very good.

Speaker 2

You got to stay. You but the best version of you.

Speaker 1

Yeah, it's a. This is one of the reasons growth is so hard is because, for for the time between when you are not grown to grown, you look bad. I know. So in that moment, even in this conversation, it's like I don't know. Are we going to say that I don't know, Maybe we are, maybe we're not, I don't know. We'll make an effective decision? I probably won't, because to me I feel like it's respectful not to and I don't really care about it We've got to come up with a new term though.

Speaker 2

Rid of savage. We got rid of sicko, we'll come up with. We'll come up with something. I need something that that lands.

Approach grounded in virtue

Speaker 1

We'll come up with something, yeah, we'll come up with something, but you look like. If you don't ever try to look bad, you really lose the opportunity for growth. And I'm not just saying in the public space, just anything. The fire me going to the fire academy never wanting to look bad, so never learning effectively anything physical, not good, very bad, and then when it mattered, I looked really bad.

Speaker 1

But when you look stupid in a minute it's really hard because I don't know, you feel bad. You assume people think you're stupid too. You assume that's how people are going to look at you forever, because some of those people might not be around for your growth. And that's the hard thing is all the people who are just there for the interim between when you make a mistake and when you fix it. They think you're the mistake forever. And that is one of the reasons growth is so hard.

Speaker 1

And again, when I say mistake, I'm not saying you said something wrong on a podcast, I just mean in general, if you make a mistake and you don't do something to the level you want to do it. That's one of the reasons putting yourself out there for growth is so challenging, because it is vulnerable to say yeah, you know what, you might be right, yeah, you might be right. Maybe I do say that word too much, or maybe I do say this thing too much or maybe that does offend people when you admit that you're wrong like that. If you admit that to somebody that isn't emotionally intelligent, they can really use that against you and that's a scary place to be.

Speaker 2

And then the next layer is even if they do use it against you, it is what it is. I took the high road, and are you proud of taking the high road? And I think this is where virtue comes in. Last thing, there's a virtuous road that you know, and virtue is universal. All the rest of this is nuance, Sicko, bother you or not. Virtue is how do I articulate things in a way that maximizes the probability of positively impacting others, without sacrificing truth and candor? And the virtuous road is always there, it's just it takes so much. It's so. There's a part of me that's so annoyed, seriously, it's like Alan, do you have to be that virtuous that you can't kill this mosquito? Seriously, like, honestly, that's who I aspire to be, and so I'm gonna have to grab the mosquito, put it in a jar, bring it outside now that's who I've chosen to be and that's the only way I've been able to be fulfilled.

Speaker 2

I've tried the alternatives. They don't work for me, for me, and so, whatever your core values are, there's a virtuous road and there's vice and virtue. The vice is arrogance, and arrogance is always a vice. It's never a virtue.

Speaker 1

Compassion is always a virtue Is virtue doing the right thing. Is that what it means? It means, at the simplest, level.

Speaker 2

Yeah, it means doing the collective good even when it's hard, especially when it's hard Virtue. We could easily do this. I don't know, we don't have time. Greed, vice, humility, virtue. You know when is cheeseburger?

Speaker 1

It's in the middle Depends. I was going to say how dare don't you immediately just say it's a vice, because it might not be. Well then there's the whole thing of are we supposed to be carnivores?

Speaker 2

Could we eat the cows? There's a million things, but the point is, is that's where it gets wonky, because for each of us we have our own belief systems. I personally this is my personal belief I believe we are supposed to be carnivorous. I don't have a problem eating a cheeseburger. That is my moral compass. Now, does that mean there's no merit to some of the things that happen to cows in the production and all that? Of course not. That's not what I'm saying. But we over swing these things. And where do you draw the line? So that's the philosophical discussion.

Speaker 1

Just be a good person.

Speaker 2

Just be a good person.

Speaker 1

That's the goal. Just try to be the best person. When Taryn and I were in Scotland the first day we got there it rained and we were walking by there's a lot of stands, there's a lot of gift shops that have stands outside, like in the overhang, and they had fridge magnets and Taryn accidentally hit it with the umbrella and one fell off and broke. It would have been very easy just to keep walking, but I picked it up and I went inside and I said, hey, we'd like to pay for this because we accidentally broke it. And we ended up getting a couple other ones too, because it was like buy three, get one free or something it's like well, we already got one.

Speaker 2

That's broken.

Speaker 1

well, that's the high road. Yeah, only you, only you can make that decision for you.

Speaker 2

Only you can make that decision for you when I was a teenager, I put sunglasses in my pocket and walked right out of target.

Speaker 1

Oh my goodness, yeah, and that was the low road and I was waiting for you to say then I, then I brought him back. We didn't bring him back no, no, no no, never brought him back.

Speaker 2

No, I used him. Yeah, the. And there's the. Shame comes up. Shame comes up and it should. I think shame is a moral compass that we all have. It's how you handle it, and no one's perfect, and I've taken the low road many times in my life. I'm very grateful nowadays to be able to say I don't take the low road almost at all, but I used to for sure and I was around a bunch.

Speaker 2

I don't take the low road almost at all, but I used to for sure and I was around a bunch of people who took the low road too, so it's all the water you're swimming in. Where we grew up, there was a lot of low road going on, so we didn't exactly have great influences. But where does that expire? At what point do you stop blaming your environment and set the new standard right? So again, we could do a thousand episodes on this.

Speaker 1

Yeah, what an interesting Freestyle Friday.

Speaker 2

Who knew you want to see the sunglasses? I'm kidding.

Speaker 1

You got them on you.

Speaker 2

No, it would have been really bad.

Speaker 1

if you, what's that I bought though?

Speaker 2

at the convenience store for the road trip Dude $6.99?

Speaker 1

Yeah, man, of course.

Speaker 1

Full UV protection though, apparently. Yeah, of course I lose my sunglasses so much, but it's cool because I buy a pair on Amazon that's $6.99. I've never had a nice pair of sunglasses because I will lose them. They just disappear. They're like socks they just disappear. I don't know where they go most of the time, or I break them. I remember at Next Level Hope Foundation last year I shattered mine. They just like fell off and exploded. I was like, well, that kind of sucks. But that's why I get seven dollar sunglasses tomorrow for episode number 1719.

Speaker 1

What's the purpose of your deepest pain? We talked a little bit about pain today, but we'll talk about that. If you have not yet joined our private facebook group, next level nation, please do so. If you are looking for a group of good humans. If it doesn't come across, really what we aspire to be is the best men we can be, and I think what we're trying to help a collective group of humans do is just be the best versions of themselves, whatever that means. It doesn't mean you have to read a million books. It doesn't mean you can't be yourself. It just means you want to get a little bit better and you want to try to become the best version of you. So that is what this whole thing is about. We have a Facebook group, all about that Next Level Nation. The link will be in the show notes. What do you want to talk about?

Speaker 2

I want to say we have a 10 pound and please. I did a post, I yeah go.

Speaker 1

I have. A lot of people are in Awesome. I love it. Shout out to them.

Speaker 2

So I said this Disclaimer Don't do this if your mental health is in jeopardy. Don't do this if your circumstances don't allow you to do it. Kevin and I are starting a 10-pound in 10-week challenge. As of today it's 10.2 weeks. August 10th is the weigh-in. I'm going to create a Google sheet and I posted in next level nation Kevin and I's best previous physiques so you can take a look. When we talk about how we've let fitness fall, we're not trying to be overly hard on ourselves.

Speaker 1

We're just, we just don't look. Yeah, you'll know.

Speaker 2

And so, at the end of the day, let's all be at our best. So don't don't use our standards, don't use Kevin's standards, use your own standard, and so you can do 10 pounds. If you would like to, you can do 5 pounds. You can do whatever you want, but please send me your in the comments in Next Level Nation. And if you're not in Next Level Nation, join Comment, because I'm going to create a Google Sheet of names. First names only, start weight, end weight, and then we're all going to weigh in on August 10th and it'll be public accountability, hashtag, community power. We, we're all better together and, uh, we can hold each other accountable. So name which, obviously, on Facebook, your name will be there Current weight, goal weight. That's it, super simple. If you comment, I'll put it in the G sheets and then we'll give a shout out. First names only, uh, to everybody who does it is there any way to do it anonymously?

10 pounds in 10 weeks challenge

Speaker 2

say somebody wanted to do it anonymously yeah, uh, if you want to do it anonymously, privately, message me on facebook and I'll just put anonymous 101 or anonymous 102 or anonymous 123, that kind of thing. I dig that nice 177.4 today. Nice Dude, yesterday 190, even Five pounds mostly water, and then 193 today Nice.

Speaker 1

Still.

Speaker 2

Yeah, yeah, 195, 190, 193. I'm having it round to the nearest pound.

Speaker 1

Now here's the thing, though when you weighed your I know you know what I'm going to say I can tell. When you weighed yourself at 195, you had eaten.

Speaker 2

That that was after you ate, of course. Okay, so that's, yeah, I had eaten. I was hydrated, yeah, of course I'm just checking.

Speaker 1

I got to make sure I need to know the data. I didn't. I weighed myself when I hit one my, my weights are. My weights are, uh pardon, tmi, but just in my, in my trousers, first thing in the morning after I've used the restroom I might have been a little sporadic, but okay, I'm not doing that on purpose I would like to get to a place where it's apples to apples.

Speaker 2

But when I did the 195.4, which was my start, it yeah, I had eaten fully hydrated. When I was 190 even, I was fasted all day and pre-workout hadn't eaten in like 12 hours. I had a protein shake in the morning, but at the end of the day, yeah, and here's the lesson, real quick If you weigh in 10 pounds lower than your current weight Beginning weight, beginning weight you did it so we're not going to do, do. Oh, are you dehydrated or not, are you?

Speaker 1

is it the?

Speaker 2

morning. What time was it kev you?

Speaker 1

can tell I'm not doing that. But I'm not putting that standard on anybody else. I was just teasing you.

Speaker 2

Yeah, I will weigh in at below 185 whether I'm hydrated or not?

Speaker 1

it's just a pride thing for me, of like, because, okay, I mean I could literally just eat whatever I want for the next 70 days and then just not drink water for a couple days and go in the sauna and I can make the weight.

Speaker 1

But I don't want to do that. I want this to be for me. The reason I want to do this is because I want to facilitate a long-term shift. Yeah, same. And even if you lose eight, even if you lose eight out of your 10 pounds, or seven out of your 10 pounds, or three out of your five pounds, or whatever it is, that's a really good clip in the right direction. So that's what we're aspiring to create.

Speaker 2

I don't intend on doing the marathon dehydrated again to try to make weight?

Speaker 1

I hope not, that is not what?

Speaker 2

I hope not, but if I have to, I will do it.

Speaker 1

Maybe it'll be a cycling, some sort of riding a bike or something for many miles or something.

Speaker 2

Who knows, we'll see. I'd like to do it legitimately. This time.

Speaker 1

I would also like that for you, because I don't want you to do any damage to yourself. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you, and at NLU we don't have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow, stay centered Next Level Nation.

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Alan Lazaros

Host
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Kevin Palmieri

Host