#1720 - What’s The Purpose Of Your Deepest Pain?

In this episode, hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros explore the complex yet enriching journey of finding purpose in pain and the true essence of leadership. This dance requires poise, self-awareness, and the ability to steer chaos and derive meaning. Harnessing them as a source of purpose and lead with authenticity and respect in all aspects of life.

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Show notes:
(3:01) You need all three
(5:08) Aim high, and you'll have choices
(7:40) Purpose in pain: Walk your talk
(10:20) Get bothered
(11:17) At NLU, we want you to win, so we're providing tools and resources to ensure your success. Join our Monthly Meet-up every first Thursday of the month at 5 PM. https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/monthly-meetups/
(13:44) The measure of a good leader
(15:40) Entitlement and disrespect
(17:38) Lessons in leadership and life
(19:54) Self-worth: Protect yourself
(22:15) Outro

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:00

Next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. We hope you enjoyed yesterday's episode. I messed up the numbers, so yesterday was 17-19, and it was Freestyle Friday. I still haven't named that, so the team doesn't know what to name it, so it probably just says Freestyle Friday, because I didn't give them a title. That is on me. One million percent. Yesterday was a very long day.

Speaker 1 0:26

We really got it together, you and I yeah yeah, honestly, the week coming back from travel has gone better than expected, considering I've worked 13 hour days pretty much every day, but there are definitely some things falling through the cracks and that was one of them, so my apologies to the team and each and every one of you.

Speaker 1 0:41

My apologies to the team and each and every one of you Today for episode number 1720, what's the purpose of your deepest pain, alan and I? It's been an interesting week for us because Monday we only met from like two to six. We've only really been together to talk about deep stuff for like five hours this week, which is weird for us because we usually talk a lot more throughout the week. But it's just been very, very busy.

Speaker 1 1:08

But one of the conversations we had yesterday or the day before you were talking about how one of the things that bothers you the most is people who don't lead by example, and Alan said we should really do an episode on that. And I said I don't know if that would land. I don't know how valuable that specific topic would be, but if that's one of the things that bothers you the most, if that's one of your deepest pains, obviously the purpose under that deepest pain is for you to never be that person. So I said, well, let's do an episode on that. So I'll kick it to you so you can give context, but just want to set the table here.

Speaker 2 1:40

Little side tangent at the beginning you mentioned when we got back. It's been a little bit of mayhem. I have a sub-side lesson that I think is actually kind of funny that I didn't really think a ton about this. Okay, before the trip went awesome, super prepared, planned ahead, made it all work.

Speaker 1 1:57

Still brutal though, yeah, yeah, yeah, it was brutal, but it went well overall.

Speaker 2 2:01

Yeah, I'd say so During the trip best trip I've ever had in terms of not losing momentum but still enjoying the trip yes, New experiences, all that. When you get back, it turns out that also matters More than anything. So there's the pre, the during and the post. You need all three 100%. A little side lesson Pre and during was great. The post was mayhem is just get back. And then you get back on the horse, but it's like a. It's now it's a bull instead of a horse it went better than I expected now it's a bull instead of a horse.

Speaker 1 2:37

That thing just switched to a completely different species, maybe like cow to bull. Ah, there you go, but you don't ride cows, so that doesn't work. If you wanted, have you rid't ride cows, so that doesn't you could if you wanted have you ridden a cow. Well, I've never ridden a horse either. Son checkmate really, I don't think so. I'm afraid of those things as if I've like horse ridden yeah, yeah, what are you?

You need all three

Speaker 1 2:55

an equestrian at one time when you were like six years old and somebody had to hold you on the back so you didn't fall off. No, I don't know.

Speaker 2 3:02

I sold my horse very quick, non-valuable side tangent. My horse was extremely overweight and it ate everything. So I I got lost in the trails because it wouldn't keep up with the other horses it was just eating the trees and I remember being like come on you know giddy up or whatever nay, emilia and I want to have horses. One day, emilia wants to have horses, I will also have a horse A lot of work.

Speaker 1 3:29

Oh yeah, we want sheep. Now that we Dude in Scotland there's just so many sheep everywhere, and the baby ones are the cutest things ever of all time, so I don't know what that means yet.

Speaker 2 3:40

Emilia grew up on a farm so she knows the amount of work that goes in. Anyways, okay, what we were talking about deepest pain, deepest purpose. So the leading by example thing, that that definitely bothers you maybe not as much as me, but yeah, I'll notice that you don't promote things that you're not doing. Fair, like the dreamliner, I use it every day, so I talk about it all the time dreamliner, next level dreamliner, check it out, it's awesome. I, if I wasn't using so I talk about it all the time Dreamliner, next level Dreamliner, check it out, it's awesome. If I wasn't using it, I would never say that yeah, like, not as much. I don't want to say never because I don't know. Like what's an example.

Speaker 1 4:13

Well, if you did say it, you would say that it's something that I have used in the past and super valuable, and we're not using right now.

Speaker 2 4:20

Like the Remarkable. It's a little digital notebook. I used to use that. Now I use the Dreamliner. But I don't talk about the Remarkable anymore Not much, but I would still recommend it. I just would say I'm not using it personally.

Aim high and you'll have choices

Speaker 2 4:33

But and so, at the end of the day, I think this comes from a pain from my past, where I talked to Kevin about this yesterday. I was told growing up, my mom gave me the best lesson I've ever gotten Aim high and you'll have choices, she said. You can be a CEO or you can be a farmer. I'm going to love you either way. But if you're a CEO, you can wake up one day and just decide to be a farmer, get some horses and sheep. But it doesn't necessarily work the other way around. You can't just wake up as a farmer and decide to be a CEO of a Fortune 500 company. And so I was like okay, I took that at heart and she told me education is everything. I think she always regretted not getting a higher education and she felt like she didn't have choices when my father passed away, which is, I think, in many ways why she ended up with my stepdad. But again, the point of the matter is I heard her say that and I really listened. I was a very impressionable young man and I took it to heart. I was like, okay, I'm going to aim as high as you can aim. To this day I'm still doing that. And she was right. Holy crap, I have choices. I can, in many ways, do almost anything within reason. Obviously I can't beat LeBron James at basketball. I can't be the fastest man alive, like. There's certain things I definitely can't. I can't win a strongman competition at the Olympics, but overall in the economy there's very little that I feel is not accessible to me. So she was right. If you aim high, first of all you have to have self-belief to do that. But if you have high self-belief and you aim high, you'll have high standards. And if you have high standards, you'll learn a ton. And when you learn a ton, the world becomes more open to you. I was thinking about this. I talked about this not long ago.

Speaker 2 6:22

Emilia and I were watching a movie and this woman in the movie couldn't read. And I remember thinking to myself imagine if you couldn't read. That was a thing. Literacies come way up. So it's not a thing as much. It still is, but not as much. And back in the early 1900s there was a lot of people, particularly women, who have been very held back, who can't read, and I remember thinking, if I couldn't read, how would I? And back then there wasn't podcasts, so the written word was the only way you learn. And so, anyways, I'm very blessed to have a wonderful education.

Purpose in pain: Walk your talk

Speaker 2 6:58

I was born in a country that invested in my mind with financial aid and scholarships and all that, and I was told to aim high and you'll have choices. But the part that does hurt me. Someone texted me yesterday from my past. I painted up in Maine with this man for his company in my sophomore year in college when I was pretty broke, very broke, and it just brought up all that. We spent a whole summer in Damariscotta, maine, beautiful and a lot of good, a lot of bad, but at the end of the day, I just remember thinking to myself these were the people that I looked up to back then and in hindsight, while there is some good, a lot of bad, but at the end of the day, I just remember thinking to myself these were the people that I looked up to back then and in hindsight, while there's some good, of course, there's definitely a lot more bad than I thought at the time. Now, is that because it's my delusion, or is it because they don't lead by example? And the truth of the matter is, is it's both.

Speaker 2 7:49

I don't think most of the advice I got growing up were people that actually took their own advice. As a matter of fact, I'm just going to say it. They didn't, and it does. It pisses me off. Why are you telling me that and not doing any of that on your own accord? You want for me better than for you, sure, but you know, what would have worked way better is actually walking your talk. And so people who don't walk their talk myself included, when I didn't in the past bother me to my core. And then what does that mean? Be the change you wish to see in the world.

Speaker 2 8:24

Emilia and I are watching the famous Gandhi movie from 1984. It's three hours long, so we're splitting it up, but that's his quote Be the change you want to see in the world. And I think that that's powerful. I think that's exactly what we're all supposed to be. You know if, if, whatever your pain is, whatever, whatever bothers you, there's something to learn in that, because it bothers you for a reason, and I think we're taught to oh, we'll just be nice, don't worry about that. Don't, don't judge people, don't and I'm with you on a lot of that. But if you don't acknowledge in your heart what pisses you off and what bothers you, you are not going to ignite the part of you that can, that can make change. You have to be bothered in order to go do something about it you have to.

Speaker 2 9:09

I'm so convinced of that. You want want to stay motivated, get bothered, and get bothered quick and go do something about it. I'm so sick of people who talk more than walk. I hate it in myself and I hate it in others, and the world would change if we could just actually not be full of shit fair.

Speaker 1 9:37

That's it, fair play. I think it. It hurts you so badly because for most of your life you believed what people said and you didn't see what people did yeah, I think the reason it doesn't bother me.

Speaker 2 9:42

I was gullible.

Speaker 1 9:43

I'm mad at myself, yeah yeah, well, and and there's truth to it too. So I think it's that's important to state the. I think the reason it doesn't bother me is because I've just always expected that always. I've just always expected that, always. I've just always expected that.

Speaker 2 9:55

You were less naive than I.

Get bothered

Speaker 1 9:57

In that regard I'm sure in other regards I was super naive. The thing that what comes up for me is the whole disappointing people. That's like my deepest pain is disappointing people, and it's when I disappoint people I don't know, I get disrespected. Like disappointment and disrespect are the two things. Tara and I were having a conversation about this last night and I said we've done a lot of production for leadership podcasts and leadership people and people who pride themselves on being really good leaders. And I said out of all those people, I mean there's a very limited number of them who are actually really good leaders. John Lurito, shout out to John Lurito. I don't think he listens to our show. Great leader, world-class leader. I've spent time with him at his house behind the scenes. He's the same guy.

At NLU, we want you to win, so we're providing tools and resources to ensure your success. Join our Monthly Meet-up every first Thursday of the month at 5 PM.

Speaker 1 10:52

But the way some of these people talk about the way they give feedback versus the way they give feedback, that always triggers me. I said that last night I don't know if we talked about it on the episode we recorded for yesterday or when I was talking to Taryn but I said I think I struggle with what seems like disrespectful direct feedback Because I said Alan can give me all the direct feedback in the world, it doesn't bother me. To the point where we got on the mics the other day and he's like hey, man, you know that thing? I said to you the other day Like I hope that didn't offend you and I was like, dude, I don't, you're good man. No, it didn't offend me at all, I agree. I think it's truthful, I think that's the truth. So it's not the direct part, I think it's the direct, with disrespect.

Speaker 1 11:37

And I said I just use an example. The NLS team is cranking and we're training people up to be more competent and confident and understand the systems and the processes for next level social media. And someone on the team made the same mistake two days in a row and I use this as an example with Taryn. I said I could very easily have been super direct and tried to instill fear, but that's not the way I want to lead. I said I think the measure of a good leader is somebody who understands logic as much as they understand emotional intelligence. My job is not to make this person feel bad. They already feel bad. My job is to make sure they don't feel so bad that they don't want to continue doing it.

Speaker 2 12:20

Right, but some people don't feel bad. Entitled people who have that huge ego, which is not our team. And that's the first part of leadership is get the right people on your team that share your core values and the mission. But there are some people, kev, who will be non-optimal and not care at all about it, and that's the problem.

Speaker 1 12:46

But don't you know that, as a leader, aren't you good enough at recognizing that in people Like you and I are really good at?

Speaker 2 12:53

that Now? Yeah, in the past, no way. Even this person from my past who texted me. This was literally the text. It's a Facebook message and I was doing a sale. So I opened Facebook and it's hey, call me with the number. It's like I haven't talked to you in a decade.

Speaker 2 13:10

How about no Right, and, honestly, I haven't talked to you in a decade. How about no Right? And honestly, I'm not trying to be a dick. I said, hey, what's happening? It's been a long time. You and so-and-so are often in my thoughts. I hope everyone's doing well. As for the call, what's this in reference to? Just wanting some context? And he said on a plane, now, okay, that's strange Ke.

Speaker 2 13:35

I'm not going to just call you because you think I should. You haven't talked to me in 10 years. Sir, how old am I? It's more than 10 years.

The measure of a good leader

Speaker 1 13:43

When was I 35. You're 35 years of age 35 minus 19,.

Speaker 2 13:46

So what 16 years?

Speaker 1 13:47

Yeah 16.

Speaker 2 13:48

Okay, so 16 years ago, that's entitlement and I'm saying this on a public medium, knowing that that person could be listening. That's entitlement. Hey, call me with my number. Imagine you and I didn't talk for 16 years and I say hey, bro, call me 508-555-5555. And that's it. Nope, like I got to call the bank, I got to call Spectrum, I got stuff to do. I don't know what you're up to, but I'm not going to call you on a whim because you think I should.

Speaker 1 14:26

Well, that's disrespect. It's disrespect. That's a version that happened to me recently with someone I love, and I think they might listen. I don't know whether they listen or not, but they sent me a message and said hey, I have an idea that could help you. Should I book another? Should I book a call? And I was like well, can you give me an idea of what the? Because my calendar is the most full it's ever been and I've, let's, let's say I've gone above and beyond to talk to this person many times because I I deeply care about this person. It's a good human. But I said can you give me a little context about what it is, because I can't exactly just be throwing hours out anymore.

Speaker 2 14:57

Yeah.

Speaker 1 14:58

I just I can't. And they never responded.

Speaker 2 15:00

So it's like well, they feel hurt that they're not worthy quote unquote of your time. This is one of the problems with being more successful, brother. It's so hard because no one has any clue. A lot of people do have the time and when I sent that message, I knew I talked to you about this last night. I knew that that person might be offended. Yeah, because, well, what do you mean? I need context. Why can't we just catch up? If you understood my day-to-day, you would understand that I can't just have calls on a whim. I'm behind on everything that matters to me.

Speaker 1 15:33

Do you think that was a balanced message you sent back?

Entitlement and disrespect

Speaker 2 15:35

I would say it was. I thought it was centered, yeah message you sent back, I would say it was. I thought it was centered. Yeah, would you do anything different? No, no, I this is new for me. I in the past I would have called and then I would have been upset that it was about nothing, and then I would have been mad at me underneath cause I'm a.

Speaker 1 15:49

I'm a coward, yeah, and so this is only got a couple of minutes, just FYI, yeah. I know We'll have to. Maybe we'll do a part two.

Speaker 2 15:55

Well, dude, the truth of the matter is the leading by example thing, that the thing of letting people down, dude, I think. I think sometimes you are upset because you know you're being disrespected, and other times maybe it feels like disrespect when in reality it's not. It's just your conditioning.

Speaker 1 16:12

Tara and I had a very deep conversation about that last night because I said I've had clients who we start working together and they message me and they say, honestly, this isn't exactly going the way I wanted it to go. I had a client who did that a couple of months ago and then she said I'm going to take over production but I want to keep coaching with you. This isn't like a you thing, this is a me thing. I understand, I am like super specific and I'm just going to take care of it, but I still want to coach with you. That didn't offend me, it wasn't. She was very clear.

Speaker 1 16:45

I sent a message and said can you send me feedback? I'd love to get feedback. I'm going to ask somebody for feedback who I think is actually going to give me real feedback, not just I'm going to unload on you with stuff that just isn't valid, valid or constructive or that like I don't know. It's such, it's such a unique conversation about expectations versus like reality. And then how do you explain your expectations versus the reality? It's a whole, a whole thing here's my last question.

Lessons in leadership and life

Speaker 2 17:16

I know we gotta jump. What if you working through disappointing people? What if 90 of the time, it actually is someone being energetically disrespectful or entitled and that is what you're used to, probably from many parts of your past, and now that you actually have self-worth, you're not noticing it more? Where it's, wow that's. I mean, how much entitlement to my time is that? Call me with the number Super. Haven't talked to you in 16 years, but no one thinks about it like that. What do you mean? It's just a phone call Like. If I were to talk to him about that, he'd be like it's just a phone call man Like. What's the principle?

Speaker 2 17:57

Yeah and again, I actually have a lot of love for this person. I think about this person all the time I did. I had a whole summer with this person. This person was a role model for me at a time when I was young. Now, at the end of the day, you could say, if you work through this being offended thing, what if sometimes you're supposed to be offended? You're supposed to analyze that and then be more discerning with those people. I think that is a part of it. But if you heal this and or say, oh, it must be a me thing, you might not be as discerning as would benefit you.

Speaker 2 18:33

I have five kryptonites written on the whiteboard over here in my office People that are delusional, naive, entitled, unstable. They're my kryptonite. Now I'm not saying that I'm not going to help people that have any of those qualities, but if you have all five of those, that's danger zone for me. This is just a me. That's my decision. That's I'm going to honor my own life, my own time, my own effort, my own money with being steering clear of people.

Speaker 2 18:58

That those are the people that flew under my radar for most of my life and in my thirties I learned and I realized these people don't jive with me and I'm not going to be of help anyway. This is just going to crush my self-worth, make me upset, and and it's just not going to work. So I've learned my own thing. Everyone should have their own kind of kryptonites. I think sometimes you're being offended when it really shouldn't. Maybe, but I would be willing to bet. Most of the time when you're offended, that's your intuition, trying to say, hey, kev, this person is taking advantage of you, at least to some extent.

Self-worth: Protect yourself

Speaker 1 19:30

Well, that's one of the reasons I'm very money focused, because and you've known about this for a long time If we were in a different place financially, I would probably say no to a lot more people. I would just send the message of if with love. I do very much appreciate working together, but if what you're getting is not what you desire, if the expectations that I laid out originally are not being met, you are more than welcome to go find someone else to do it. If you feel like you can get the same product in the same quality for the same price, go find it.

Speaker 2 20:01

Yeah Well, that has to be earned, and you and I have to make sure that we're in financial abundance to an extent where we can do that, and that's where we're headed, by the way.

Speaker 1 20:10

And the realist version is I also can't use that as an opportunity just to the fine line that I don't know where it is yet.

Speaker 1 20:17

All right, we got to go because we both have calls and we're both going to be late Tomorrow for episode number 1,721,. I don't know what we're doing because we're out here freestyling and I think we might just do this moving forward, because I love these episodes more than when we decide we're going to do the next 14 and then we do them, so I don't know. Next Level Nation, if you have not joined, link will be in the show notes, as always. We love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you, and at NLU we do not have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow. Protect your time and effort, next Level Nation.