Next Level University
Confidence, mindset, relationships, limiting beliefs, family, goals, consistency, self-worth, and success are at the core of hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros' heart-driven, no-nonsense approach to holistic self-improvement. This transformative, 7 day per week podcast is focused on helping dream chasers who have been struggling to achieve their goals and are seeking community, consistency and answers. If you've ever asked yourself "How do I get to the next level in my life", we're here for you!
Our goal at NLU is to help you uncover the habits to build unshakable confidence, cultivate a powerful mindset, nurture meaningful relationships, overcome limiting beliefs, create an amazing family life, set and achieve transformative goals, embrace consistency, recognize your self-worth, and ultimately create the fulfillment and success you desire. Let's level up your health, wealth and love!
Next Level University
#1727 - 1 Common Relationship Conflict
In this episode, Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros discuss a typical relationship issue: having different expectations. They explain how different expectations about chores, personal space, and goals can cause annoyance and hard feelings if not appropriately discussed. They stress the need to bravely express your expectations and how this can affect personal and work relationships. They offer valuable tips for handling disagreements and improving our talk, leading to more substantial and understanding relationships.
Links mentioned:
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Group 15 - starts on (Tuesday) July 9th, 2024 at 5 PM EST.
Discount Code for NL Group Coaching (30% off): NLULISTENER
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For more information, please check out our website at the link below. 👇
Website 💻 http://www.nextleveluniverse.com
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Show notes:
(2:40) Overview of typical relationship conflicts
(4:30) The importance of communicating standards in relationships
(6:46) Setting high goals and how they impact personal standards and relationships
(10:23) Meet like-minded people and jumpstart your journey to achieving your dreams while optimizing your life. Join Next Level Group Coaching. https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/monthly-meetups/
(11:49) Personal anecdotes on maintaining goals and standards while managing relationships
Next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. We hope you enjoyed yesterday's episode, episode number 1726, Freestyle Friday. I forgot to title it because I am out here jeffing my apologies to the team. Opportunities and fears is what we talked about, so it might be like you know why. Another reason why growth is so hard, hypothetically. Today, for episode number 1727, one common relationship conflict. So just a disclaimer I am traveling again this weekend. I'm going to a wedding. Taryn's brother, my brother-in-law, is getting married, so we're leaving right after we record these episodes and then it's a whole thing. So we're going to do 15 minute episodes for friday, saturday I'm sorry saturday, sunday and monday. So these will be quick hitters.
Speaker 1:You go in full suit with the cat stuff of course, yeah, yeah, of course nice yeah, I'm not at the stage where I have multiple suits yet, but eventually I'll have to get multiple suits. So I don't have. I don't wear the cats everywhere. I don't't know. Aren't you supposed to have different colors for different things? I don't know. I don't have a black suit or a gray suit. Taryn's waiting for that day, though. She's excited for me to really do it up.
Speaker 2:All right.
Speaker 1:One common relationship conflict. So we had a meetup last night we're recording this on Friday. We had a meetup on Thursday and we were talking about how to get more of the right stuff done and at the end Alan kind of went off cuff a little bit and he was talking about relationships and I don't know how we got on that topic. But I brought up I think one of the more common relationship conflicts that I have seen and I've experienced in my own life is that in a relationship, one person usually has higher standards in almost everything. So, as an example, I could literally do laundry once a month and I could care less. I don't care, I'll wear the same shirt four days in a row, like I just don't care, it doesn't bother me.
Speaker 1:Taryn likes having clean clothes Understandable, understandable. So I would say her standard for having laundry done is higher than my standard for having laundry done. Dishes same thing. Her standard for having the dishes done is far higher than my standard for having the dishes. I honestly just don't care that much. I'm a very simple creature. When I get to the end of the night I want to relax. But this can cause resentment because it's almost like an unsaid thing in your mind if you think someone has the same standard that you have and then they're not upholding the standard, when in reality oftentimes it's just babe, I didn't even recognize that, because I'm not looking at that. I'm looking at blank, blank, blank and blank where maybe my standards are higher. Maybe my standards are higher for having certain groceries or certain foods or whatever it is.
Speaker 1:Or money or money or whatever R&R. Maybe my standards are higher for setting boundaries for when people come over Whatever for setting boundaries for when people come over, whatever right. Unfortunately, if you don't, as the person with higher standards, have the courage to communicate that, then your partner's never going to know about it. Even in a business relationship. If you're riding solo, it doesn't have to be an intimate relationship. It could be with family. Really good example If you have higher standards of setting boundaries than your family does, you probably often feel walked on because they don't have that. They're not thinking that way. They're thinking well, they can just call you whenever they want, or they can come into your room whenever they want or show up at your house whenever they want. Maybe you love that, maybe your standards are similar, but if you have really high standards for that, you probably get frustrated and maybe you're thinking why do they think they can just show up in my house? Because their standards are different than yours and maybe you've never had the courage to communicate that, which is completely, completely understandable.
Speaker 2:But that's kind of the topic for today, so we got to do a heavy quick hitter here because we only have 11 more minutes. Kev's got a wedding to go to, so I can't be as long-winded as usual, although I do adore this topic.
Speaker 1:I think most people are probably like hell yeah, that, it's quick. No, yeah that you can't be as long-winded Usually when I'm on podcasts and I say I talk about my you and I having much more than this, but I'm going to tell you the one sentence that I recall and then I see you so yeah.
Speaker 2:There's a lot to say.
Speaker 1:There is.
Speaker 2:You got to unpack it, so to unpack this standards is one of my favorite topics in the entire world. I've been saying that a lot lately, so obviously I love that we're doing this new system where we're talking about what we're feeling. It's great. Hopefully the listeners feel the same way. I also got some feedback from a client recently that she loved episode 1790. Adored it.
Speaker 1:We've gotten a lot of good feedback lately from the team. 1790?. We haven't done that yet. Oh, I hope it's a good one when we get there. I'm sure you will enjoy that one as well. 1709?.
Speaker 2:Maybe 1719. 1719 was recent. Yeah, my yeah, my bad. Either way, we've gotten good feedback from the team a lot lately and from clients a lot lately. So thank you, keep it coming, appreciate it, and that means we're on the right track. Let's say you have a level 10 goal. The higher you aim, the larger, the bigger your standards have to be. The more stern your standards have to be, the higher your standards have to be for yourself. So imagine you set a level 10 goal, now you have to have level 10 standards for yourself. But then here's the problem we coexist and we cooperate and coordinate with other people. So we have families, we have friends, we have colleagues, we have clients, we have mentors, we have mentees, we have therapists, we have our intimate partner. Intimate partner is the closest. So the moment and this is the weird part about goals I'm convinced this is one of the main reasons most people don't set huge goals.
Speaker 2:I think that the the moment you and I set the 10 pound in 10 week challenge. Really think about this. All of a sudden, we need to lose 10 pounds in 10 weeks. I would consider that a very challenging goal overall, considering everything else we're also doing. Okay, the the moment we decide to do that, everything has to reorient around that.
Speaker 2:Every standard Dude, emilia, does groceries a lot of the times lately it used to be me, now it's her lately. All of a sudden I need different stuff. So she has to adapt, because I changed a goal, truth be told, yes. And to Kevin's point, if you don't have the courage and I talked about this on the meetup because I know that we have a lot of amazing women in our community who and I said this playfully and I'm going to say it again playfully I said a lot of your intimate partners, the men in your life are lazy, and I'm being playful with it, but some of it is true I said you have to have the courage to call that shit out, because emilia has had to sit me down at times and say, listen, I'm taking care of our pets more than you are. Hey, I'm doing xyz more than you are, and I know that she's not alone in that. And then I have to say, well, sleep, fitness, business, right.
Speaker 2:So we have these healthy discussions, these healthy conflicts, where whoever has higher standards, she has much higher standards than I do with the pets, dude, she's like the cat whisperer, she's got them doing whatever she wants. She's like the treats are right there, you can easily train them. I know that. I just don't. I don't, that's not my go-to Like, okay, a couple treats, let's do this little trick, or whatever I just they don't listen to me, they don't respect me as much as they do her. She is the, the alpha in our household for the, the animals, although lately this is kind of funny. So lately I've been doing a protein shake first thing in the morning, where I used to fast, and now I let tucker lick the cap. He loves dad now loves me.
Speaker 1:His loyalty has completely changed. It's conditional, very, very conditional. It will fade in time, yeah, so it's so funny.
Speaker 2:You know how they say I'm what am I? Chopped liver. Emilia says sliced meat. I don't know why, it's just a funny thing. She said now I'm sliced meat. He wants to hang out with dad all day now because choco milk. We're choco milk buddies, but anyways.
Speaker 2:So the point is is that she has higher standards with the pets. She has higher standards with the plants. She has higher standards for our home. She decorated this whole place. It's beautiful. I maybe 10. That's probably not even true, let's be honest 10, 2.
Speaker 2:But internet, making sure we have a certain number of devices on taking up bandwidth, our businesses, the way we operate our systems and fitness definitely me. So in an intimate relationship, in a business partnership with friends and family, we all have to integrate standards and integrating standards has been one of the deepest pains in my life because I feel like I've always had bigger goals than other people and I'm a pain in their butt because my standards are so insane. And unfortunately, if you want to go have a blasty blast and that derails me from my goals and that has nothing to do with you, now we can't hang out or you have to also go to the restaurant that has the right macros, or spend less money because I'm trying to optimize expenses, or go to the restaurant that has the right macros, or spend less money because I'm trying to optimize expenses, or go to the gym while we're traveling. When we were traveling, we traveled through from Massachusetts, south Carolina. When we were with her family, I felt like a pain in the butt because I'm the one. We were literally at lunch and I said we got to go to the gym, we got to go. I'm not here just for lunch. We have to lift. They don't have goals that require them to lift. I have a goal that requires us to lift. They're like well, what do you mean? We're by the ocean and the boat and again, they were very kind about it, so it wasn't a bad thing.
Speaker 2:But the point is I know, I know how often are we by the ocean in this beautiful boardwalk, on this wonderful boat. I haven't seen the ocean in seven years, jokingly but when we're at the beach, we had to go. We were at the beach and I got super sunburned. But we have to hit our macros. We have to hydrate. We got to make sure I made sure I wore enough sunblock, which still didn't work. Obviously, I missed some spots and I also haven't seen the sun in a long time and I'm also super super white. But anyways, so that's kind of my point is, I think one of the main reasons why setting goals has been so painful for me and I hope many of our listeners can relate is the moment you set a big goal for yourself, you immediately have to be a little more of a pain in the ass to everyone around you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, or you just, I guess, sacrifice even more. It's like just get up at 4 am and go to the gym Right and not sustainable and not healthy and probably not aligned.
Speaker 2:And then there goes your sleep, and then there goes your social life in the evening, no matter what. That's a whole other thing.
Speaker 1:That just brings me back to the bodybuilding days, where you bring your meals with you everywhere, because it's like, well, I don't expect this person at the wedding to have low-calorie cake for me, unfortunately, so I probably don't get any cake. I think it's standards and expectations. Your standards create expectations on other people I think about when you and I travel. We travel really well together because we are very simple. The expectations are we're going to get there. The standards are we want to make sure we're there on time. Other than that, though, it's like if we have to stop to pay.
Speaker 2:But you're a pain in my butt with logistics because you have a high standard for being on time. I don't and I'm a pain in your butt and you're a pain in my butt because that's a core value in conflict.
Speaker 1:But once we get going, it's good. It's usually just the beginning of like hey, man, I'm going to be at your house at 4.45 am, like I need you to be ready at 4.45.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and then I roll in at 4.52.
Speaker 1:Well, that's good. I mean, that's better than the past.
Speaker 2:Good Level, set expectation, yeah Well. Yeah, that's fair. I know we got to jump, but can you articulate Because what we're missing from this is the other side of the equation that's so great, which is leadership. What I mean by that is having people in your life with high standards is going to help you tremendously, 100%. And so can you articulate for the listeners what it's been like to be around such high standards with the whole team and everybody, because, compared to what you used to surround yourself with, it wasn't as many standards. Fair, okay and same, by the way, but now it's. The expectations are just higher. On the NLU team Everyone it's an unwritten rule Everyone has their ass together. Everyone tracks habits. Everyone has their ass together. Everyone tracks habits. Everyone is doing fitness challenges, everyone, and it's not it's not like you have to you don't have to.
Speaker 2:Kev's not doing the everyday exercise but, a bunch of people are. So it's like this unwritten belonging rule. You got to be weary of the unwritten standards. There's a standard at NLU where we don't miss the certain things. We're there for each other, we support each other, we make sure we're kind even when we're frustrated, and so, yeah, can you articulate quickly what that's been like to shift?
Speaker 1:It's. I mean, it's jarring in the beginning because you feel very exposed and you feel very called out and you feel very hurt Maybe not hurt, I think you feel, yeah, you feel scared. It's like, oh my goodness, my standards aren't high enough. But then I think over time you start to see the benefits of okay. Well, one of the reasons I have the results that I have in blank is because my standards are blank and I'll allow myself to go plus or minus 10% on that. So that's kind of where I've lived for my entire life. Oh, okay.
Speaker 1:Well, when I changed my standards on the way people treated me, everybody started treating me better, or I started distancing myself from people who didn't. Okay, well, that was really powerful. Okay, let me try practicing that more and more. So I think in the very beginning it's jarring because it's kind of an identity shift. Am I not enough? Am I not good enough? Is the way I'm doing it not enough? It's not necessarily that. It's more the fact that your standards just might not be at the level that they need to be in order for you to accomplish whatever the goal is Best quote you've ever said hands down.
Speaker 2:in my opinion, you are either afraid that all of you is not enough or that all of you is too much.
Speaker 2:standards that's what this is 100 when emilia and I go to a hotel room together, I kick off my shoes, you know, and she sets the whole place up before we relax at all. But I'm trying to figure out what our meal is and macros are on point and and what movie we're going to watch, right, but that's. I have higher standards with which movie we watch and so integrating standards. This is what I don't want to happen. Very last piece, I know we got to jump At the monthly meetup. There was a lot of amazing heart-driven, incredible holistic human beings in the room. Thank you for everyone who came.
Speaker 2:If you don't have the courage to lighten the burden on yourself and delegate responsibility elsewhere and have the courage to say, hey, I need you to level up. If you don't have the courage to say that next level university level up, then you don't have the courage to say that next level university level up, then you're going to end up taking all the responsibility yourself. Dude, I've seen that so much in our community and I do that too. If I'm afraid Kevin doesn't have the same standards as I do, I'll just do it myself. Screw it, I'll just do it myself. I'll just take care of it myself, because otherwise it won't get done or it won't get done or it won't get done, right. I think that that's a short-term win for a long-term loss, because where does that end? That ends with you taking everything on your own shoulders, burning to the ground, and then everything struggles, and I know that's going to resonate with a lot of listeners, because that's something that's been really hard for me, not only as CEO, but just in life in general.
Speaker 1:Well, I think that's why leadership is so important. If you love mowing your lawn because you love it done in a certain way, and then you hire someone to do it, and the first time they do it it's not to the standard that you like, you can either say I knew this wasn't going to work, I'm just going to do this forever. Or you can say, okay, let me communicate the difference between where we are and, ultimately, where I'd like to get to.
Speaker 2:But that's hard, and if you're afraid to communicate it, you'll just do it yourself.
Speaker 1:You'll just do it yourself, or you'll let them do it and you'll resent them Every time it's like, oh, they did it again.
Speaker 1:They did it again. I can't believe they did it again. Well, we didn't tell them not to do it again and that's the way they do it. So they're going to do it that way forever. They just are. That's kind of the way it works. But again, I can't claim to be an expert on this, because I struggle with giving people hard truths and being vulnerable, just like everybody else, maybe more so in pieces and ways. All right, if you have not yet joined Next Level Nation and you're looking for an amazing group of humans who are aligned, who are into growth, who are into self-improvement, we'll have the link in the show notes.
Speaker 2:Group coaching round 15 starts on July 9th Correct, tuesday, july 9th, at 5 pm. Okay, 5 pm.
Speaker 1:Eastern Standard. I believe our website is up and running now.
Speaker 2:Yep.
Speaker 1:Shout out to the amazing Charlie for giving us a hand and saving us from a lot of pain. So, charlie, you're the best. We appreciate you Super, super, super grateful for you.
Speaker 2:Thank you, charlie, seriously, way to come in clutch.
Speaker 1:Tomorrow for episode number 1728, I'm changing this on the fly. What's your relationship with productivity? I know that it's hard because there's many different camps of self-improvement. Right, some self-improvement is put yourself first and if you don't feel like doing it, don't do it. Make sure you're getting enough rest and relaxation and all of that.
Speaker 1:Obviously, we subscribe to some of that. I always want you to put yourself first and all that I don't think just because you don't feel like doing it, you shouldn't. And then, on the other end, there's like don't ever miss anything. Do the same thing every day, eat the same food every day, lock yourself in the office, kind of like we do. We're more that style in our personal lives. I think the truth is somewhere in the middle. But on one end, they want you to be super productive. Hyper productive, you don't miss anything. On the other end, it's almost like productivity is a bad thing. So we're going to do an episode on that. What's your relationship with productivity? What does it mean to you? Does it mean suffering? Does it mean being overly disciplined? Does it mean you know you're getting closer to your goals? We'll talk about that tomorrow. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you, and at NLU we don't have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all.
