#1753 - A Simple Way To Improve Your Relationship

Have you ever wondered why your partner asks you to do seemingly mundane tasks? In today’s episode, Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros delve deep into this topic, uncovering how understanding the deeper motivations behind these requests can transform your relationship. Discover what’s in store for relatable stories, practical advice, and thoughtful insights to help you build stronger connections.

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Show notes:
(2:12) Kitchen Man
(4:04) Behind the “Why”
(5:22) Healthy communication
(8:27) Avoid invalidating feelings
(9:31) Next Level Dreamliner: the planner, agenda, journal, and habit tracker to rule them all. Get a copy: https://a.co/d/f1FWAQA
(10:46) During disagreements
(13:27) Seeing you clearly
(14:37) Intentional living
(16:34) Three-fold problem and layers of reasoning
(18:43) Outro

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:00

Next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. Today, for episode number 1,753, a simple way to improve your relationship, I have something on my PPT. Shout out to the amazing landscapers in Alan's development, because they are hammering outside right now with a leaf blower Super grateful. We'll see what happens. We'll see what happens.

Speaker 2 0:29

Yes, definitely, we'll see what happens. Every time I hear that, I'm like thank you so much. Condo Complex yes.

Speaker 1 0:38

On my PPT, on my peak performance tracker, the thing that dictates the way I live my life and the habits that I track. That's probably not the best way to describe it.

Speaker 2 0:47

It works, it works really well. It works Well.

Speaker 1 0:49

it is yeah, no the habits are a bit of a ball and chain, but in a good way. One of the items is Kitchen man and I adopted that from Alan and basically what that means is every night before I go to bed, it's my goal to have a clean kitchen. Kitchen kev Empty sink. Kitchen kev Empty sink. Full dishwasher. Counters are clean, everything is clean. It's not because I want it to be that way, it's not because I really care that much.

Speaker 1 1:16

Now, over time, and being married and being in a relationship, for what are we? We've been together for five years. I'm starting to understand the importance of something is not just what someone says. It's always the why underneath it. And when we're talking about a simple way to improve your relationship, next time your partner could be family, could be friend, whatever any relationship really, next time they ask you to do something, understand that what they're asking you to do is just the behavior of a deeper why and a deeper understanding that you might not know yet.

Kitchen Man

Speaker 1 1:58

So Taryn and I had a check-in on a Sunday and she said it really helps me. I just feel better. I feel less anxious when the house is helps me. I just feel better. I feel less anxious when the house is clean. I just feel clearer. I feel like I'm in a better headspace. So every time I see a pile of dishes, I don't it's not I don't want to do it. I'm not doing it for me, of course I don't want to do it. I'm doing it for the betterment of our household. I'm doing it for the betterment of our relationship. I'm doing it for the betterment of our relationship. I'm doing it for the betterment and less stress of Taryn and, honestly, probably the less stress for me as well. When I'm scooping the litter box. I'm not doing it for me, I'm doing it for the cats. It's not about whether or not I want to do it, it's not for me.

Speaker 1 2:38

So I thought that might be a quick, little valuable episode, because I understand you can get frustrated when your partner's constantly reminding you of hey, remember when we talked about the fact that we were going to do laundry on sunday and we haven't been doing it. It's probably not the fact that they're frustrated by the behavior. It's most likely the underlying stuff that maybe you haven't had the conversation about yet. Maybe they haven't been courageous enough to share, maybe you haven't been, Maybe they haven't been courageous enough to share, Maybe you haven't been able to receive it, yet it was a very and it sounds super simple and it sounds overly simplistic, but it was a very big breakthrough for me. And I'll tell you, I have never been as on point with Kitchen man as I am now. It's different. I'm different now. So that's my thought for this episode. You're evolved now. I understand the importance of it more than I did before Pikachu evolved into.

Speaker 1 3:33

Raichu, raichu. What's the most, what's the biggest one? Machamp.

Speaker 2 3:38

Machamp no, no, no, charizard. Charizard was, charizard was something else, son. Oh, pikachu only has one Pikachu and Raichu.

Speaker 1 3:42

I don't think there's like a third one Shout out to Pokemon Pikachu and Raichu.

Speaker 2 3:44

I don't think there's like a third one. Shout out to Pokemon Kitchen Kev evolved into.

Speaker 1 3:49

I think Pikachu was the most evolved one.

Speaker 2 3:51

No.

Speaker 1 3:51

Raichu was the Okay.

Speaker 2 3:54

Let's go.

Speaker 1 3:55

We have very limited time. We can't spend it on Pokemon.

Behind the "Why"

Speaker 2 3:58

For the 90s kids out there. You'll enjoy that In Relationship Talks events. We talked about this recently and I think the females listening in particular will resonate deeply with this, which is I made the mistake one time of saying these words you're being dramatic. Oh no, no, you never say that no, no no.

Healthy communication

Speaker 2 4:25

So we, when the hvac was down, emilia had a much harder time than I did, because I grew up without ac and she was super hot and it was a heat wave that week and so she she was just having, and women on their period, temperature fluct, it's a whole thing. So I'm just learning because I've never really obviously had my period. But the thing that I want every listener out there to hear, slash, see, is when you ask why you're going to learn something but expect when you ask why, they might think that you're actually attacking them and not attacking them physically. But okay. So if kev was like hey, man, I really want to go to this place, I was like dude, why? Like you'd be like, well, because you feel like you have to justify yourself. That's the dangerous part about this, kev, is that all the gold is buried beneath, like when you do a check-in. A check-in in relationships for those of you who are new listeners is you sit down and you ask each other questions about where you're at in your relationship. When you do that, it's from the frame of I want to learn, but when you're that, it's from the frame of I want to learn, but when you're in the heat of the moment and you're late for work or whatever it is, and then you say, well, why, why should I do that? You actually might want to know why and learn, but they might see that as you saying, well, I shouldn't have to do that. And again, emily and I very rarely have any challenges with that, but one time I said something playfully, super playfully. It was late at night, it was like 90 degrees in the house, and she had said something about being sweating all over or something like that, and I said, oh, come on, you're being dramatic or something playful. It was really meant to be playful. And I realized in that moment when she was like, don't call me dramatic.

Speaker 2 6:25

There's certain things that women have been called and this is her words, not mine. Okay, I'm not speaking about women to women. I'm transcoding what she said because, quite frankly, I've never been called a nag or dramatic or any of those things. So there's these certain things that women get of like, well, you're nagging me, you're dramatic. Every you know you're overly emotional. All that stuff is super triggering for women and the reason why is because they've been so invalidated and their, their emotions have been invalidated, all of that stuff. Now are there certain people who are overly dramatic and make a big deal out of everything? Yes, but that is not. That is not what this is.

Speaker 2 7:09

And so when we were at the relationship talks event, it was mostly women in the room, it was 80 women and I was saying that I told that story even though I was embarrassed about it, and that's the only time I've ever called her dramatic. I don't even know why I said it, to be honest, but I think I meant like it's not that big a deal, but to her it is, see how invalidating that is. To her it is a big deal, right, it's a way bigger deal to her than me. I didn't even care that much. I mean, granted, it was 90 degrees in my office and I was sweating that entire week, but it doesn't bother me that much. I also also have a smaller body fat percentage Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, like all these things.

Speaker 2 7:44

So for the women out there listening, I know that will be very validating. You are not a nag, you're not overly dramatic, you are actually holding standards that men just simply might not have. And again, I don't want to do the women-man thing. I get it Like I know there's male-male couples get it like. I know there's male male couples, I know there's women women couples. We are super inclusive here, but at the end of the day, the traditional relationship quote unquote is a lot of that.

Avoid invalidating feelings

Speaker 2 8:10

And so the the deeper lying lesson underneath all of that is emilia had a very strong reason why not having the ac was affecting her. She couldn couldn't focus as much, she couldn't get her work done. There's probably a hundred reasons. There's probably a thousand reasons that I couldn't even fathom. And one thing that's been I've learned so much from her and quite frankly, it's because she has way more reasons for things than I think I do.

Next Level Dreamliner: the planner, agenda, journal, and habit tracker to rule them all. Get a copy:

Speaker 2 8:40

I think I'm a much more simple creature and I'm actually a pretty complex creature compared to, I think, a lot of men, but overall not as complex as her. And she has reasons upon reasons upon reasons upon reasons, and all of them are very, very valid if you can actually sit down and hear what the reasons are. Now one last piece when you hear her reasons, or his reasons, your partner you now have an opportunity to drive to five. You have an opportunity to, because anytime you're in a disagreement with your intimate partner, there's an opportunity for innovation. This is where I get weird. I don't. I don't go with what anyone else says without first processing it through my own. So, for example, taryn wants the kitchen clean. If I didn't believe that that was optimal, I do by the way, I think she's accurate on that genuinely.

Speaker 2 9:38

So I'm with you on that one, taryn. But let's say she wanted to do something, or have you do something that maybe wasn't actually optimal towards your goals and dreams and what is best for the household. You would have to shield, bump that and have a healthy discord to figure out what is optimal. All of the gold in you and I's relationship, kev, and in Emilia and I's relationship, kev relationship Kev, and in Emilia and I's relationship Kev.

Speaker 2 10:04

Emilia and I's relationship, alan, has been when we had healthy debates or, in your case, a conversation that helped you learn my perspective and I learned your perspective. And that's when you can take all the data from a 360 degree viewpoint and actually create what's optimal. Emilia and I have improved each other and our lives every day for the last five years in some small way, and a lot of the time she's more optimal and a lot of the time I'm more optimal, but I would say she's probably more optimal more than 50% of the time, which has been kind of awesome, yeah for sure, which has been kind of. I was watching a.

During disagreements

Speaker 1 10:42

Yeah, for sure. I was watching a podcast last night. That was. It was with two people that didn't necessarily agree on what they were talking about, and it was really fascinating because one of them, when he started, he was kind of brought in as the expert and he said before we even talk about what we're going to talk about, I really want to try to make sure that I understand if the mental model I have created of you in my brain is correct. Nice, wow, it was an interesting.

Speaker 1 11:12

He's a professor of some sort of math at MIT, cool, so he's like super, super super, super smart, my mental model and the other individual he was talking with is also very super smart, but doesn't have the intellectual background of going to these schools and teaching at these schools and being somebody who has written all these peer-reviewed stuff. But it was a really interesting way he put it. I basically want to make sure that the way I'm looking at you is the truth of how you want to be seen, Exactly yeah.

Speaker 1 11:49

And I think that's all a disagreement, a discord, a conversation, a check-in. All it is is. Today is Sunday. We did a check-in last Sunday. Since last Sunday, how far have we moved away from our truth and what do we have to do to get back to our truth? I think that's really all it is, but that depends on somebody knowing why they want something done in the first place. I'm sure we've met I don't know. I'm sure we've met people in our lives who have a really good idea of why they want something done the way they do, but they're not great at explaining it, and there's some people who have no clue why they're doing what they're doing.

Speaker 2 12:28

That's definitely those are the people that I have a really hard time with, because you know this working with me for seven years I don't do anything without reasons. There needs to be a reason intentional living requires. I think that all success and fulfillment comes down from good choices and an oversimplification, and I can't make good choices if I let you lead when you don't know why you're doing what you're doing. One of the benefits of being with Emilia is that she knows every reason for everything she's doing. One of the things that she's challenged with is when she asks me why she actually wants to learn. But I'm so used to being asked why because they don't want to do it, and so I'll get this like a little defensive. Sometimes it's like, well, because of, and she's like, no, no, I actually wanted to know. It's like, oh, okay, gotcha, and we've I mean genuinely the.

Seeing you clearly

Speaker 2 13:18

The amount of times that we've had any sort of contention in our relationship is unbelievably small, but when it comes to problem solving, when it comes to problem solving, when it comes to what's optimal, when it comes to how do we move forward, even this weekend we're going away, we have healthy conversations about what we believe is optimal. She wanted to leave at noon on Sunday. I want to leave at three, and I have a thousand reasons why. And so does she. Because if we're going to see family, I want to leave at three, and I have a thousand reasons why. And so does she. Because if we're going to see family, I want to make sure that we get all that time in at once so that we so that we, yeah are kind of freed up to work for the next however long. But she has reasons too. She wants to get better sleep. She doesn't want to jump right back into the week, she wants to have her back office time to set up the week, all these different things.

Intentional living

Speaker 2 14:08

And so in a relationship anyone out there watching or listening, I know we got to jump soon your partner has reasons for why they're doing what they're doing. They have reasons for why they're advocating for their perspective. Try to ask, from a place of curiosity and humility, why that is, and then listen, take it in, try to understand it. Now you see a bigger picture, which is the benefit of a relationship, by the way. Now you see a bigger perspective and then you share your reasons and now you both are smarter and sharper and more effective.

Speaker 2 14:48

The problem is threefold. Number one the other person might not have any idea why they're doing what they're doing. Number two they might know why they're doing what they're doing. It might be selfish as hell and they're ashamed of it and not willing to be vulnerable and own it. That's a lot, that that happens to men a lot, I think. And then the third one is they might know why and be ashamed of it and not know how to communicate it. Good luck with that person, genuinely. This is why I think intelligence is so underrated in intimate relationships. I think intelligence is really important because if you're not intelligent, you can't articulate why you do what you do, because you might not even have a reason. A lot of people are just embarrassed that they don't actually have a reason. It's like well, why are we going to get burgers tonight? Well, because I like burgers. Well, you need a better reason than I like burgers.

Speaker 1 15:36

I don't you know what I mean you come at me and say that it's like, yeah, that seems pretty spot on. Well, if that's, your.

Speaker 2 15:42

If you only have one layer of reasoning for every choice you make, kev, you're in some serious trouble.

Speaker 1 15:46

Some for me? I don't think. I don't think every decision requires many layers. I think that's where you and I are different. Fair For me at least, right, but will I be as successful? Quote unquote no, because of that Right, and I I understand that.

Speaker 2 16:01

I think the intelligence thing Will I have more burgers than you.

Speaker 1 16:03

You, son of a bitch. Yes, I will.

Speaker 2 16:07

Yeah, for sure. Well, maybe you choose that you don't want. You don't need more reasons than just I like burgers. I do definitely.

Speaker 1 16:14

In some things. I don't In some things, right in some things.

Speaker 2 16:17

And if you make your business decisions on that, we're in some serious trouble.

Three-fold problem and layers of reasoning

Speaker 1 16:20

Yeah, yes, that for sure All right, we got to go because Alan's on a podcast in two minutes and I want to make sure it's my responsibility to get you off of here on time. I take that responsibility very heavily. As you know, next week Tuesday, group coaching is starting. Enter discount code NLULISTENER at checkout and you'll get 30% off. It ends up being $96.60 per month and you get four calls per month. So again, it's what's that? $23? Or something? $24 per call that's a deal. $24 a call that's a deal. So we'll have the link in the show notes. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you, and at NLU we don't have fans, we have family.