Next Level University

#1792 - What Does Belonging Mean To You?

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

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Do you ever feel like you're not truly seen for who you are? In this episode, Kevin and Alan talk about what it means to belong and why it's important to feel valued, not just for what you do, but for who you really are. Join us as we explore how deep conversations and self-awareness can help you find your place and connect more deeply with others.

Links mentioned:
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30 Minute Call with Alan (8 Fundamentals of Finance) -https://calendly.com/alanlazaros/30-minute-call-with-alan?month=2024-08

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For more information, please check out our website at the link below. 👇

Website 💻  http://www.nextleveluniverse.com

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We love connecting with you guys! Reach out on Instagram, Facebook, or via email. We’re here to support you in your personal and professional development journey.

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Kevin@nextleveluniverse.com
Alan@nextleveluniverse.com

LinkedIn ✍
Kevin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kevin-palmieri-5b7736160/
Alan: https://www.linkedin.com/in/alanlazarosllc/

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Show notes:
(3:05) Triad of belonging
(4:07) What do you value yourself most?
(7:14) Aspire to something and the value of awareness
(10:13) Effectiveness
(12:34) Enmeshment, amalgamation, and self-growth
(14:24) Next Level Dreamliner: The planner, agenda, journal, and habit tracker to rule them all. Get a copy: https://a.co/d/f1FWAQ
(15:35) Public Vs. Private value
(18:32) Connection and belonging
(21:19) Empowerment through deep conversations

Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Speaker 1

Next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. Today, for episode number 1,792, creeping Up on 1800, what does belonging mean to you? So we've talked about belonging many times, but we haven't talked about it in a minute. But I wanted to connect belonging to episode number 1,791, where we asked what question do you wish you were asked more?

Speaker 1

So I've been doing something on my Instagram story at never quit kid for any of those uh, any of you who don't follow me that want to where I jump on my story and occasionally I'll do a question of the day and I'll just jump on and say today's question of the day is, and then I'll just make up a question, because awareness is everything and powerful questions create potentially powerful awarenesses.

Speaker 1

The question I shared the other day was what question do you wish you were asked more? And someone one of my podcast friends a podcast that I went on and we've become friends since she responded and said I wish somebody would actually ask me how I am, and that's something that we talked about as one of probably the more common questions you'd get. But I think the reason you desire the question that you desire is most likely because it makes you feel like you belong, it makes you feel cared for, it makes you like you belong, it makes you feel cared for, it makes you feel thought of, it makes you feel supported. Why do you wish people asked you how you actually got to where you got to? What's the deepest, deepest layer that you currently are aware of?

Speaker 2

Well, I think we we have something called the triad of belonging, which is feeling seen, feeling understood and feeling appreciated or valued, which I would put those in the same bucket appreciated and valued, I think. Probably feeling seen and valued, because if you aren't seen, if someone doesn't understand you and this is why I love that, try it if you don't feel seen, if someone doesn't see you, the real you, and you don't feel, and they don't understand you, so you don't feel understood, how can you be valued? That it's very interesting too, because value is so contextual and all of us, we all have intrinsic human value. One of the things that I think is difficult for people is that they're super valued in certain arenas and then they're super not valued in others. So if you think about, I watched a documentaryennifer lopez.

Triad of belonging

Speaker 2

I'll go briefly with this, but I watched a documentary with jennifer lopez on netflix. What was it called? It was like her 50th birthday and she was doing the super bowl or whatever, and it was just talking about her whole career, of how she got to the super bowl and she was an actress and a singer and all this stuff, and back then she dealt with a lot of racism. She dealt with a lot of stuff, and I remember thinking behind the scenes. It was a scene with her at Thanksgiving, with her family, and she was just like mashing potatoes.

Speaker 2

I remember thinking to myself how interesting is it that people would if she was like walking on the streets. There'd be people oh my God, jennifer Lopez, they'd be losing their minds. And here she is just mashing potatoes and her family could care less. And I think that that's a really interesting perspective to think about, because, in a weird way, the people that live with you value you more than strangers and less than strangers simultaneously. So, taryn, your, your wife, she values you more than maybe anyone else because she knows you more than anyone else, but she also takes for granted, unintentionally, things that I mean, if you had a podcast listener meet you on the street, they'd be like oh my god, it's kevin. Holy crap, what's happening?

What do you value yourself most?

Speaker 2

maybe right, and you've had that happen. You've been on someone's phone background, so you are semi-famous now. I'm kidding, but at the end of the day, I find that such a fascinating thing. To go back to what the point of this episode is, though, the belonging piece I.

Speaker 2

I think that we all want to be seen, understood and valued for the thing that we work on. It's for you, when you were cleaning toilets at a hospital and the doctors looked down on you and disrespected you and you felt very unseen. You felt undervalued. You wanted to be valued for being in shape. You wanted to be valued for being a good man. You wanted to be valued for more than what you were being valued for, and so I think what one of the unfortunate parts, and one of the things that I think will help us all improve ourselves, myself included, is what do I value about myself most?

Speaker 2

Because what I value about myself most I probably will work on most and put the most time and effort into, and what I put the most time and effort into might not be valued by others, and that, I think, causes a lot of pain. You and I were just talking earlier about how there's several things that I'm good at and some of them are not valued at all, and that's okay. But I think socially a lot of us feel undervalued for the things we actually love about ourselves most, and then that creates this weird thing where sometimes we hide unintentionally the things that we love about ourselves most and or we put ourselves in environments that don't value those things. Like don't be a country singer at a rap concert, don't be a rapper at a country concert.

Speaker 1

That's kind of the metaphor rap concert or don't be a rapper at a country concert. That's kind of the metaphor. I wonder if it's as simple as if you. So I never valued who I was. I valued what I did externally and what I had externally, and I think it starts from a place of me valuing. Because, even if I was to say, what would make me feel like I belong, what would make me feel like I belong, is if somebody valued me who I am, not what I do, beyond the podcast, beyond the speaking, beyond the business, whatever, there's a person under there.

Speaker 2

But there's a problem with that, because who you are is so enmeshed. Is the psychological term Enmeshed with? I mean, who are you if you don't have the podcast? And I don't mean that from like a negative space. I actually mean, who would we be? We wouldn't be these men, for sure.

Speaker 1

No, but if you took it all away and you stripped all that away, I think the character is what would remain. Most of the character was created from the journey, but I think that's where the belonging comes in of if somebody really values you for who you are as a human being. That's, I think, what a lot of us are aspiring for.

Aspire to something and the value of awareness

Speaker 1

Yeah, agreed, and we want to get to the depths of I want. It's the scariest thing in the world, but it's also one of the most fulfilling, rewarding things in the world is when somebody sees you for who you really are. I think that's why the deep questions. Matt, I was talking to Matt last night and we were catching up. We hadn't talked. We played a couple games of Call of Duty last night and the first hour we didn't even play. We were just on the headset just catching up. We weren't even playing the game, we were just talking. It's weird.

Speaker 1

And I was explaining how I'm just. I feel like I'm on, I'm on with fitness, I'm consistent, I'm not missing, I'm cranking. And he said what do you think made the difference? And I really love that question, not because I get to talk about myself, because I get a new layer of awareness that I haven't searched for. And I said we changed our schedules and we don't work until like well, alan does.

Speaker 1

Alan still works late, but we very rarely go over our schedule, so I'm able to be in bed by nine, asleep by 10, and if I'm asleep by 10, I get up at 6. No matter what, that's awesome for me and I don't feel super constricted in the gym because I have enough time, so it's not like, oh, I only have 20 minutes to work out, I might as well not go. That doesn't happen anymore. So it's a number of things that have really and I said the 10 pound in 10 week thing is great for me I need some sort of goal to hold me accountable, so that's why I'm doing the next goal. But it made me feel like I could go see me and figure out what is the awareness under this question that I haven't answered for myself yet. And now I know that, and now I'm more capable of doing it again in the future and replicating results. And now I'm more capable of doing it again in the future and replicating results. I just love awareness. I love it. I love getting new awareness, even if it sucks.

Speaker 2

Well, that was the thing missing.

Speaker 1

Ultimately, that was the thing that was always missing is awareness, because do you feel like it was admiration of achievement that was missing? For you, maybe not admiration, but interest in how it got done, not just what got done.

Speaker 2

Yeah. So the If anyone's ever heard the term utilitarian or meritocracy there are two terms that I don't. Like the Tesla because it's's a status symbol. I could care less genuinely. I like it because it's the most useful car I've ever had. I've never even liked any of my cars makes sense, because they were all shit boxes but at the end of the day, seriously, this thing is unbelievable. But I could care less that it's a tesla. It's just unbelievable because it's so useful. It's just unbelievable because it's so useful. I love how useful I am.

Effectiveness

Speaker 2

I don't think other people care as much about that, and so one of the things that I've come to understand and this is one of the problems with being valued and seen and belonging people don't value the same things. So, for example, if your goal is to perform at your best, to be consistent and to achieve your goals and to stay on the rails and to design systems that are effective and efficient toward those goals and dreams, I'm the best friend you'll ever have. But if you don't value those things, I'm just a pain in the ass and that's the way I've always sort of felt. If you want to achieve more and be successful, you will value me at level 10. I'll feel valued and this is one of the hardest things I've ever shared publicly. I don't feel valued by people who don't value success and achievement and personal development. I mean, that's who I am. If I were to boil myself down like who I really am down to three words, it would be self-improvement, success and achievement, and then the fourth one would be fulfillment. But all of that is only a byproduct of the first three, assuming they're aligned. If you don't value success, achievement and self-improvement, you're not going to value me. And the truth is I grew up in an environment that didn't value those things.

Speaker 2

And so, for everyone out there watching or listening, who are you? People say that all the time. They say, well, who are you? I'm Alan. Okay, that's your name. So it's not who you are Like.

Speaker 2

Who are you? You are a enmeshment and amalgamation of your goals and your values and your beliefs. That's really what it comes down to. So, kev, who are you? You are a byproduct of the mission, your goals, the goals we have at NLU. You are a byproduct of what you value and who you value, and you are a byproduct of what you believe about yourself, about others and about the world. That is who Kevin Palmieri is, and all of that changes and evolves.

Enmeshment, amalgamation, and self-growth

Speaker 2

It's like the iPhone. I know it's an interesting analogy for people who aren't in tech, but the first iPhone was a piece of garbage compared to the iPhone 14 Pro Max that I have now. And then, in five years from now, this iPhone 14 Pro Max will be a piece of garbage compared to the iPhone 20 or whatever it is the old Kevin. Kevin, you know, the first iPhone, kevin 2.5, when you were 25 years old, was, was nothing compared to Kevin 3.5. I can actually say 3.5 now because it was your birthday, nice. And so what's my point of all? That is, not everyone wants an iPhone. That is so important. And, by the way, do not put yourself in environments of people who don't like iPhones if you're an iPhone, because, yeah, you can change yourself and you can improve yourself, but you're never going to be an Android if you're an, when you become more of who you really are, you'll be more fulfilled, but you'll also almost inherently, be more lonely, unless who you are is valued by the masses.

Speaker 1

Let me F you up with the truth, as we say from time to time Not really it's a question we do say that behind the scenes. Often Would you rather feel valued when you're out in public. If you had to choose and this is hypothetical feel valued out in public If you had to choose, and this is hypothetical feel valued out in public with others, or feel valued behind the scenes being yourself, being with yourself.

Speaker 2

I literally had to make that choice because I used to be valued out in public before my car accident and I flipped the script and now it's.

Speaker 1

Do you think when do you think most people struggle? Do they struggle? I feel like most people probably struggle behind the scenes.

Next Level Dreamliner: The planner, agenda, journal, and habit tracker to rule them all. Get a copy:

Speaker 2

agreed, because you, behind the scenes, you can actually be yourself this is scary to share, but I do believe the majority of people are less fulfilled by themselves behind the scenes than they appear to be in public. I'm definitely the opposite. Emilia and I are way happier when we're in private. Yeah, and that's I mean. I honestly think that that's an indicator. I think and the old Kev would have been happy as hell in public, at the party I mean, you were the life of the party but behind the scenes Only when I was drunk Okay, fair, no-transcript people, because I was just going through it and so I had to I ripped a couple nips in the parking lot, four of them brown paper bag, very, very classy. Uh, four is not a couple.

Speaker 1

Okay, whatever. Yeah, it's more than a couple.

Speaker 2

Four nips in the parking lot, um, after I already parked, by the way, okay, way, okay, after I already parked I wasn't drinking and driving. But then I went in and then I had a few drinks there, but I you would have thought I was the happiest person in the world. No, I was temporarily happy and in pleasure and enjoying and fun and escaping, and that was one of the darkest times of my life. To be completely honest, that was one of the. I've had a lot of ups and downs. We all honest. That was one of the. I've had a lot of ups and downs. That we all have, and that was one of the lower points, for sure for me.

Public Vs. Private value

Speaker 2

But nowadays I would go to Jillian's. I wouldn't even be there, quite frankly. I wouldn't go to Jillian's but I'd be playing pool or whatever and I would probably not be nearly as valued, because the fun person is the one valued in that environment. So everyone needs to kind of assess okay, where do you belong and where do you not belong? And if you're going into rooms with persons, places, things and ideas where you don't belong constantly, it's gonna mess with you.

Speaker 1

It certainly messed with me, for sure I am at a weird stage now where I, tara and I went to a wedding and she's like I feel like we should go mingle and not be antisocial. And I was like I'm not, it's not that I'm being antisocial, I'm just just being me. I don't I know the other piece of this too.

Speaker 1

That's a fine, go ahead, that's a fine line. That's a fine line, I don't care what anybody thinks, and then just going over that and just saying, well, I'm not going to talk to anybody because it doesn't matter.

Speaker 2

Well, there's a big difference between I'm anxious and socially anxious and scared to talk to people, versus, no, I'm actually in a good place. This is good, it's all good.

Speaker 1

It was mostly that there's pizza. I'm going to sit over here. I mean, I don't know anybody, so let me just have a slice of that. I'm not being antisocial, I'm just not. I'm not sure how the level of socialness to practice, yet I'll get there.

Speaker 2

The other piece of this that I think is really important for you and I in particular, to realize, particularly for you, because Taryn isn't in this space. She, we get so much connection all the time, like her family, so Emilia's family. They they say you guys are anti-social.

Speaker 2

No, no, no, no, right hey we talk to people all week, every week, and and so on sunday, when we want to be alone. It's nothing personal. I mean, we had bianca come over on saturday last week. They did evolve movie club. They watched a movie called Leo, which is actually really funny, by the way, and there's actually some deep layers to it. But I didn't want to. I gave Bea a hug, I was hey, how's it going? And I went up to her office and just I need. I told Emilia, I said listen, and I told Bianca too, because she's a client, it's nothing personal. Talk to people all week, every week.

Speaker 2

The last thing I want to do on a Saturday night after six days straight of talking to people is to connect. I just want to go be alone, and yeah, I know you do. And so that's the other piece. Though Our connection cup is so met all the time, it's so overflowing, it's so fulfilled. I mean, remember back in the day when you were really lonely. That loneliness hasn't been there in a long time because our work. That loneliness hasn't been there in a long time because our work. Then the connection and belonging is a necessity of our work and so that cup is always filled.

Speaker 2

So I don't know if that's true for taryn or not, but I I know that emilia misses her family more than I miss anyone. It's not it's not that I don't want to see them. I do.

Speaker 1

I just don't want to see anyone right same taryn's, taryn's uh house sitting, house slash pet sitting sunday, monday, tuesday and wednesday. Maybe and I'm excited because I'll be I will be lonely by the time wednesday comes around.

Connection and belonging

Speaker 1

I will probably be pretty lonely and because that's the longest, that'll be the longest I've gone without seeing taron, I mean since we've lived together. Well, her being gone right when I'm on the road, it's different. It's a different lonely, it's a different homesick. But I will be here running the cat family extraordinaire. But I will definitely be come Tuesday night. Or when I get lonely, it's when I'm going to bed and I'm going to bed by myself and she's not here. I, I don't like that, I'm not a fan of that. I miss her. That's what I miss her the most, of course, but that really is the conversation I wanted to have. I, if you don't feel, if you don't feel like somebody really, really, really cares about you and the way you're feeling and how you're actually doing, I am willing to bet it's not going to feel like you belong, because they're not opening up the depths of themselves to you. And I think that's one of the reasons you and I are so connected is because we just talk about deep stuff all the time.

Speaker 1

Yeah definitely, and it's very much. I feel like I belong because you know me.

Speaker 2

You know the real me Surface level conversations. I know we get to jump. I was on with a relationship talks coaching session yesterday and the male showed up because the female had a horrible migraine kind of last minute. And I was really proud of the male for still showing up, because that can feel a little bit like two on one and he was pumped, he couldn't wait and it was awesome. I was like holy crap and I also thought for sure it was going to be canceled. Then it wasn't. So I was like holy crap, I got to go because I had back-to-backs yesterday, but anyways. So the male in the relationship was talking deep about all these different things that he's been going through and you can tell when someone is not around people who are talking deeper.

Speaker 2

One of the conscious love languages of the 25 conscious love languages is deep conversations. Of the 25 conscious love languages is deep conversations and a lot of people and you and I's whole world revolves around pretty much going deeper on why we aren't more successful, why is your client not winning in podcasting? Why is my client unfulfilled? So the why, why, why. Everything we do at NLU is kind of deep talks. Everything's a deep talk essentially and we're going to have a chief officers meeting right after this and we're going to go beneath the surface and figure out what's going on and how we can all be more courageous and how to design systems.

Empowerment through deep conversations

Speaker 2

For anyone out there listening, if you feel like people don't know you and you feel like you aren't being seen, valued or understood, it might actually just be a lack of deep conversations. And deep conversations are risky because the truth is, when you let people closer to level, unfulfilled, sort of superficial conversations with superficial people. I really like to get to know people and sometimes I need to be careful with that, of course, but you can only get to know yourself and others to the extent that you are humble, courageous and vulnerable, and the courage and vulnerability I think is very hard. It's really really hard to do that, and courage and vulnerability look different for everyone, but I would say that for everybody, I think this is true when you share who you really are, it's almost always the most vulnerable, because then if you get villainized or attacked, it's who you really are, not your persona.

Speaker 1

Yeah, you can't wipe it away and say, wow, that wasn't even really me. Anyway, it's not that big of a deal. Yeah, it is scary. It is scary, the thing that we aspire for the most. To be authentic, to be transparent, to be ourselves is one of the most challenging things in the world. It's a sweet hat man, I appreciate that she got you some good ones. She said no, gym, Do not wear that freaking hat to the gym, Kev. That is not a gym hat. I was like this, not at the gym.

Speaker 2

Okay, I'll do my best. This is a good one.

Speaker 1

It's very nice. Yeah, Because I lost when I was coming back for Toronto. Somehow I lost my hat when I was going through customs. I put it in the bin and then someone jacked it. I did. Somebody jacked it they must, I don't know. I don't know what happened to it, or maybe it was still in the bin, I don't know. I put my bag on, I throw my sweatshirt over my shoulder.

Speaker 2

Phone, wallet, keys, AirPods everything, make sure I got everything. And then I'm walking out of the terminal and I put my hand on my head and I was like, oh god, my hat's gone. That's a devastating news it was my hair was a hot. Yeah, of course I looked terrible. I looked absolutely terrible, real quick, yes, so shout out to my wife three new. I've been saying that the, the hat, she, she got you like three of them, right, all the same one. I got one this time.

Speaker 1

Oh, you know no no, yeah, I lost that.

Speaker 2

Oh, this is this is brand new, I'm pretty sure yeah I.

Speaker 1

This is the first time I've ever worn this for more than like 20 minutes.

Speaker 2

It's brand new I got.

Speaker 1

She got me another one of these before I lost it. I've lost many hats. I don't know where they go I uh, so, so wildly irrelevant.

Speaker 2

We were at walmart she was getting plants, uh months ago and I found three hats. I found a hat that I adore, love it, and it's for a guy for any guys out there that wear hats, I don't know if it's just a guy thing, or maybe it's a girl thing, I don't know. When you find a hat you love, it's like cherished, because it's so hard to find a good hat and I have long hair so I need hats because otherwise I'm gonna just have it in my face all the time I got. I just bought three of them, dude. They were like five bucks. They're really nice. I don't know how they're making money on those.

Speaker 1

Those are nice hats I mean, all it is is a piece of cardboard. You know, they're pretty nice material.

Speaker 2

I'm just saying their margins are not good. I can promise you that either cherished it. You either cherish the hat or you lose them within six months of getting them I got a blue one, gray one and a black one, but I don't wear hats in the podcast, so no one will know yeah, I don't, maybe one day we'll get you to. I don't think I can, man. I, I like this, I like to be you. Do you do semi casual? I?

Speaker 1

woke up today. I got up at 4 45 today, on a saturday okay, because we had to drop tyron's car off to get the oil changed. We had to be there at 7.30. I had to do legs this morning. So I was like I got one call with Alan, we're recording an episode. And then we got chief officers meetings. Nobody expects me to look good on those anyway, so it doesn't matter. I'm just going to let it be hat day today, that's okay.

Speaker 2

That's who you are, anyway, man.

Hats and accolades

Speaker 1

And this is who I am. Yeah, I think I'm more business jeff. You are definitely more. Yeah, I would say just a little bit, just a wee bit more business jeff than me. Yeah, I don't have I. I have so many awards as well. I just don't know where to put them on my wall. So I figure that kind of like I want to make sure the feng shui is right and the master's degrees are in the right order. And and then the phds. I don't know if they should be above or below.

Speaker 1

The master's degrees, the master's. I had a moment the other day, real quick, where I had and I don't know, I don't even want to say it publicly I had an inkling that I might like to get a psychology degree at some point. Cool, but I'm not going back to school. So until I decide that I'm willing to do that, obviously I'm not gonna be able to get a cert, I could just buy one on amazon that says I am a psychology guy I'm sure they have of course they do, but that'll get a couple gold medals.

Speaker 2

Just taking a trauma certification right now. It's been fascinating to learn through through that you know, technically I'm being coached in IFS. So my therapist because I'm out of state, I pay out of pocket and she's technically doing IFS consulting with me. So I'm technically on my way to like yeah again, technically whatever, and get some CE.

Speaker 1

But that's why we teach so much IFS. I'm learning it, you teach it. I don't know anything about it. It's awesome, I know about it, but I you're not gonna hear me talk about it, for everyone.

Speaker 2

I'm not technically supposed to teach it, but I can talk about it, high level, of course, which is what I do well, just like you're not teaching money, you're talking about money high level exactly, son.

Speaker 1

Alright, son, all right. Make sure you are subscribed so you never miss an opportunity to get to the next level of your life. And I think it's always good to be exposed to deep conversations, and sometimes you're going to leave an episode maybe with more questions than you came with, but I think that's really good. That's where this whole thing started. We would have deep conversations and see what we could learn in the fray and then hopefully pass those lessons on. So we are back to our hyper-conscious ways. What do you have to tell the people before we let them all go and get back to their real everyday life?

Speaker 2

I had several people reach out, some clients included, that said hey, the eight fundamentals of finance that you plugged on so-and-so episode I'm in, let's do it. I've taught it at least three times since we did that episode. If anyone wants to learn the eight fundamentals of finance, I would love to teach you. There's a half an hour calendar link in the show notes to learn the eight fundamentals of finance. Here's what I promise you. You will understand your own finances and the way the economy works much better with these simple understandings. If I were to assess whether or not Kevin will or will not be successful in the future, I would look at these eight metrics.

Speaker 1

And I wouldn't be so I would need your help for sure, as always. I'm just kidding, we're going to be fine. As always we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you and at NLU we don't have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow stay yourself next level nation.

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Alan Lazaros

Host
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Kevin Palmieri

Host