Next Level University

#1796 - Your Standards Create Your Reality - Freestyle Friday

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

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What if embracing moments of discomfort could be the key to unlocking personal growth and fulfillment? In this episode, Kevin and Alan share personal stories about how dissatisfaction and discomfort sparked significant changes in their lives. Tune in to hear about the power of individual standards, why sometimes you need to get uncomfortable to make a change, and how setting realistic goals can help you build self-esteem and achieve success.

Link mentioned:
Next Level Fitness Accountability Group - Kevin@nextleveluniverse.com

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Show notes:
(1:38) Kevin discusses the motivation behind his renewed focus on fitness
(3:21) The importance of personal standards
(7:01) Contrast for change
(9:10) The concept of “humble pie moments”
(12:39) Impact of environment on motivation and growth
(16:52) Personal Development Set Point
(19:42) Next Level Dreamliner: The planner, agenda, journal, and habit tracker to rule them all. Get a copy: https://a.co/d/f1FWAQ
(21:07) Role of standards in relationships and personal growth
(24:08) Leadership and standards are everything
(29:30) Small Talk: Optimizing be

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🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Speaker 1

Next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. Today, for episode number 1796, it's Freestyle Friday. The lights are off in the studios. You know what that means. Somebody asked me the other day, alan, I was talking to a buddy of mine, I was talking to Matt, as I mentioned previously, and we were talking about how I've been dialed in in fitness and he said what is it Like? What was the thing that pushed you over the edge? And I said, honestly, I got sick of being out of shape. I got sick of seeing pictures of myself and saying, wow, you really let it go, the picture. So we have an amazing nlsm team, next level social media, and nicole the wonderful nicole and the team is doing my social media. The post for today was from our photo shoot that we did like our brand photo shoot last year. I am ashamed of the way I look in that picture, genuinely.

Speaker 2

And that's the branding photo. Is this the one next to the tree?

Speaker 1

No, it's from that photo shoot, but it's not that actual picture. It's just me standing there.

Speaker 2

Yeah, it's not our best look huh. No, it's not great. That photo shoot was not great. I was leaner than you, but tiny, no muscles.

Speaker 1

I don't like it.

Speaker 2

Yeah.

Speaker 1

I, I don't like it. Yeah, I don't like it. A little bit of a gut, definitely. And again, this is my standard and Alan's standard. I am not imposing my standards on you. Do not impose your standards on me, that's all.

Kevin discusses the motivation behind his renewed focus on fitness

Speaker 2

Kevin and I started our journey together as jacked bodybuilders Bodybuilders yeah, it's very important to understand that, because that's where we started.

Speaker 1

And we know what we know.

Speaker 2

We're still like pretty hard, yeah, exactly and we know what we're capable of.

Speaker 1

It's there's, there's there's experiential levels when you experience stepping on stage looking really good and then you're not that way anymore. Again, you don't have to be at that level. But this is not me and I just want to make that clear. This is not me imposing my standards on you. This is reimposing my standards on me and that's what I told Matt.

Speaker 1

I said I just got sick of it, man. I just got sick of it. I got sick of I got sick of trying to shift my identity to something else rather than shifting my behavior. Nice, I got sick of not being proud of my body anymore. I got sick of that. I got sick of not being in the gym, going to the place and being focused and lifting heavy. I just got sick of it.

The importance of personal standards

Speaker 1

And I said also the business. I didn't know how to handle it all. There was so much going on and we had gotten so many more clients and I'm going on all these podcasts and I'm doing all these coaching calls and I'm working so much. It was really hard to keep up with that. It was really hard to keep up with it and I prioritized other things over myself. But at the end of the day, your standards for yourself matter more than other people's standards for you to a degree, because, let's say, let's say, alan's standard for the way he is treated is very high. My standard for the way I treat Alan is lower than his standard for the way he's treated. This relationship isn't going to work. So in that case, living up to my standard isn't necessarily enough for us to maintain this relationship.

Speaker 2

So that's a whole other conversation, but I just thought that was a hell of a hypothetical yeah, because I don't think that's the case.

Speaker 1

No, I think it's probably the opposite. It's definitely the case.

Speaker 2

No, I think it's probably the opposite becoming yeah it's definitely.

Speaker 1

Unfortunately, it's probably the opposite I love.

Speaker 2

It's so interesting to me whenever you do hypotheticals that I know are wrong but no one else does it's funny well, I, I just think the other one's probably less kind

Speaker 1

yeah, the other one. The other one is less kind, but I think it kind of goes back to what we talked about yesterday, where your standards do matter more than anyone else's when you're by yourself, but when you're with other people, other people's standards have an impact on everything as well. But I thought that might make for an interesting Freestyle Friday. It's just you've got to get to the point where you're sick and tired of being sick and tired, and that's a wonderful jump-off point for a lot of us.

Speaker 1

I don't know why it takes a certain amount of pain to change. It just seems to yeah, it does. There's usually a certain amount of discomfort required before you do something more uncomfortable to avoid the current discomfort you're in. Don't know why it's set up that way, but it kind of makes sense. If you're in the water and the water is warm, you're not going to get out of the water, but if the water is, this is a. This is a good example potentially you ever go in the hot tub is your audio doing the thing or is it your internet?

Speaker 1

uh, that's your internet, my internet, okay, yeah, you can kindly F right off.

Speaker 2

Okay.

Speaker 1

You ever gone in a hot tub in the winter? Oh yeah, how brutal is it when you get out.

Speaker 2

Yeah, it's brutal, yeah contrast, a lot of contrast.

Speaker 1

Contrast. But if you're in the hot tub and, let's say, the hot tub breaks and then the water starts to get colder and colder and colder and colder, you're going to get out of that thing a lot faster because you're going to be okay with walking through the snow to get back inside, because it's not warm anymore, because the discomfort of what you're doing is greater than the discomfort of what you're imagining yourself doing. That is the issue.

Speaker 2

That is the problem. It takes a massive amount of contrast to create the necessity needed to change. You mentioned yesterday to me playfully, but you said you've got to get to a gym that is a real gym.

Speaker 2

You said something along the lines of you got to get into a real gym, because in my gym and we've talked about this in the past I'm a big fish in a small pond. For sure there's one or two other people that are just on another level, but for the most part I'm in the best shape in the gym, and if you're in the best shape in the gym, you're in the wrong gym, so to speak, depending on and I gotta give this nuance if you are brand new to fitness and trying to climb the staircase we talked about yesterday and trying to build belief, it actually might be good to start in a small pond for sure, right, but for someone who has a lot of belief in fitness and knows fitness well and used to compete, it's just not as motivating when you're the best in the in the gym, and so my point of that is contrast.

Contrast for change

Speaker 2

When we went to toronto, we went to a real gym and it was when you and I were probably at our trough not our trough, but, yeah, probably the worst we've ever been in fitness in the last at least nine years for me, 16 years for you.

Speaker 1

Yeah, pretty close, that was a brutal day that was bad.

Speaker 2

You and I, we weren't even remotely enjoying ourselves. It was us walking around the gym like lost puppies.

Speaker 1

It was brutal.

Speaker 2

It was so bad and just being like what happened exactly. And then one of the days, we went back to our old stomping grounds crunch and I looked in those same mirrors and I went. What happened? I used to look in these mirrors and go hell yeah, how did I really fall that far without even realizing it? And again, this I do think this is relatable to everyone did I really spend that much money? Did I really let myself go that far? Did, did? Did we really fall out of love without me noticing like those moments, those humble pie moments, are so brutal. So here's what I try to do and I hope that this if you seek out humble pie moments, assuming you have self-esteem and self-belief. So this is the way that I think about it and this is what I do in my coaching.

Speaker 2

By the way, if someone comes to a coaching session and they're on cloud nine and they're like I'm crushing it, it's awesome, I made 10 grand last month. Blah, blah, blah, I immediately make the game harder. I immediately am okay, let's up the ante, let's get to the next level, this level you're winning, great, awesome. Let's get to the next level. Congratulations, good. Where are we winning? Awesome, awesome, awesome. Here's what we need to improve If someone shows up to the session and their struggle bus.

The concept of “humble pie moments”

Speaker 2

I had a session with a client that's doing the hybrid model. So at relationship talks, coaching Emilia and I coach two on two couples and then we essentially do I coach the male, she coaches the female one more session. So it's this cool dynamic. It's actually really fascinating to learn about people in that way. It's actually unbelievable. Coolest thing maybe I've ever done actually, which is weird to say out loud, because you get to see the couple together and then you get to get just the male's perspective and you get to see how it all works together and it's been wildly transformational.

Speaker 2

But an unapologetic plug too, but anyways. So I'm on this session and he cried three times during it. I teared up a little bit, just getting emotional about the emotions, just the pressure of being a man and essentially how you feel like such a effing loser if you're not like rich as a man, if you're not stupidly wealthy, you just are made to feel like such a loser. It's so interesting, uh. But anyways, and that's very generational too, obviously, because the number one form of shame for men, statistically speaking, is finances and success.

Speaker 2

The number one form of shame for women is body image and looks make sense from history and that's actually why Kevin and I always give these disclaimers with the bodybuilding stuff, because for us that we don't have a huge amount of shame. I mean, we obviously have some, but we don't have a ton of that shame stuff with being in shape or out of shape, to the extent that I know a lot of our female listeners do so. If this doesn't land for female listeners, every time we talk about bodybuilding some of our NLU team tries to explain that it doesn't land, but I think the metaphor does. At least I hope it does so.

Speaker 2

Anyways, where was I going with all that? The humble pie moments, yeah. So so when you're winning and you're feeling good and you feel the momentum and you're dialed in and you're fulfilled and you're getting after it, it's time to find humble pie. Go into a gym that's a little bigger. Go work out with that person you're afraid to work out with. Go get that coach that's ahead of you, that has higher standards than you. Go get that coach that's ahead of you.

Speaker 2

That has higher standards than you Go. Get around higher standards. When you're struggle bussing, don't be afraid to go to a smaller gym metaphorically.

Speaker 1

And build back up when I was getting so there was. There was a time where, when I was getting back in the gym last year, I went to a smaller gym Because the membership I have you can get into like four or five local gyms and I went back to one that I used to go to when I was like 25. It's smaller. It's much smaller. It's much less busy. In the morning when I was going, there wasn't anybody there. When I got back in the gym I had to relearn so much to the point where I didn't know if I was ever going to be able to get back to even where I am right now.

Speaker 1

Really, yes, whoa, yeah, I was again. This is very bodybuilding heavy. It's just I don't do anything else, I just. I don't really do anything else other than lift weights.

Speaker 2

It's the best metaphor in the world. I believe it. We're never not going to use it.

Speaker 1

So hang with us. Hang with us Even if it doesn't resonate. Just hang with us.

Speaker 2

By the way, kevin and I have decided in advance. When we first started this seven years ago, fitness was a huge part Health, wealth and love. Health was mostly fitness oriented. It wasn't just mental health and we have a fitness accountability group. The 10 pound and 10 week challenge did end. We didn't even announce that, by the way. We forgot to even mention it.

Impact of environment on motivation and growth

Speaker 1

No strong work. Everybody crushed it to their own standards. Yeah Right, that's the ultimate goal. It wasn't 10 pounds and 10 weeks for everybody. Some people lose.

Speaker 2

I'm going to weigh myself for the next 10 weeks. We had at least seven people that lost a good amount of weight at least, if not more than that. And again, those are only the people that mentioned it, so it might be more than that, but anyways. So we transformed that group 10 pounds in 10 week challenge into just a fitness accountability group. It's called next level fitness accountability. If anyone wants more fitness accountability, I've decided I know you have too, kev my three things are self-improvement, number one, number two is fitness and number three is business. So this podcast is about self-improvement, but fitness is going to end up inevitably being a bigger part of it. Just while you and I dial in as we make fitness a bigger part of our life, which we desperately need to if we want to get back to our old best, it will inevitably be a bigger part, and I know we did yours. I think yours was self-awareness fitness.

Speaker 1

I don't even remember, I don't write this stuff down.

Speaker 2

Okay, there goes your chair.

Speaker 1

There's my chair. There goes the chair. Hasn't happened in a minute Not as big of probably because of the change in camera angle. No, oh, no, it's I, I'm not leaning back as much. I'm like kind of I lean forward a little bit more. When I lean back, like this is fully reclined, and then for some reason it just decides to hit the trap door.

Speaker 2

Occasionally I fly backwards but anyways, what were you saying?

Speaker 1

I was saying something valuable, super valuable could have been the most valuable thing ever of all time on this podcast. Then you interrupted me and I lost it. No, I'm just kidding.

Speaker 2

If anyone wants to get into the fitness accountability group with us next level fitness accountability it's a WhatsApp group. It's private. Invite, only. Invite, only. Reach out to Kevin and I We'll put you in there and it's all it is is. It's just a cool place where you get to celebrate successes and share struggles.

Speaker 1

The reason. After the 10-pound-in-10-week challenge, alan and I were talking about it and we both agreed. I think we should keep the group because I think it's going to help us as much as it's going to help anybody else Yep, if not more Because when you're quote-unquote a leader in a group, you don't want to let the group down.

Speaker 2

That's an important thing.

Speaker 1

That's an important thing for us. I want to lead in fitness again. I used to lead in fitness. I want to lead in fitness again. What I was saying was, when I was relearning the gym, when I was rebuilding my confidence in the gym, I intentionally went to a gym where there was less people, because I wasn't ready to feel bad about myself, because I already felt bad about myself.

Speaker 2

Can we talk about that a little? So you mentioned standards. Yeah, we talked yesterday about the personal development set point, which is very high level for any new listeners. We've talked about this a lot in the past, but we need to stop presupposing everyone's listened to all NLU episodes. You guys have more important things to do than to follow everything. Kevin and I say Essentially, a personal development set point is like a thermostat.

Speaker 2

So when it's 60 degrees out, the heat kicks on in my house and brings it to 72. When it's 80 degrees out, the AC kicks on, brings it down to 72. A personal development set point is sort of your comfort zone. So your comfort zone in fitness used to be at a certain level and anytime you got below that you would kick the heater back on and get in the gym and diet more, whatever. Unfortunately, that set point has lowered over time, aka that standard.

Personal Development Set Point

Speaker 2

It's almost like we all have a standard in every area. We have a standard for finance, wealth, we have a standard for health, fitness and we have a standard for love and how we treat our partner and how we're treated. So the lowest standards that I've ever had in my life by far. And this is actually interesting as hell because this is probably my biggest weakness is a standard for relationships. When I grew up, I don't think I had any standards for who I surrounded myself with. Honestly, I definitely didn't. Actually, that was by far my biggest weakness in hindsight, holy crap. So my standards were super low for how I was treated and who I spent time with, and they've gotten way higher, fortunately, and in a weird way, I think my life has gotten better to the extent that that standard has raised. That's wild to think about. Makes sense, whoa.

Speaker 2

So everyone check in. Where are your standards? Where are you living below your standards? And, by the way, if you want fulfillment, fulfillment might as well be hey, live at or above your own standards and you will be fulfilled. And goals are just a benchmark to keep you on track towards staying. It's almost like a goal is hey, I want to lose 10 pounds in 10 weeks. Okay, so I did 11.4 pounds in nine weeks. I had to raise my standard in order to hit that goal. So it's almost like a goal is a way to raise your own set point, your own standards, and if you set a goal, that's way too big. The contrast between your current standard and your necessary standard is probably too big. And then it actually does the opposite of believing in yourself and building your self-esteem it probably crushes you.

Speaker 1

Well, you can set unrealistic standards for yourself, for sure.

Speaker 2

Yeah, Make unwinnable games right.

Speaker 1

Especially in the beginning.

Speaker 2

Yeah.

Speaker 1

Especially in the beginning, because you don't know yet, you don't know what standard creates what result. So it's almost like you want to create. You want to create the identity and the standard of somebody who already has the result, but you you haven't done it for long enough to actually know how it all adds up whoa I just had a really big breakthrough.

Speaker 2

What do you got? I used to share I. I wanted to say say and share in the same word Say. I used to say that my dreams saved my life Because I was in a relationship that was not good and because I got to a place where I knew I couldn't achieve my dreams and be with this person. I had the courage to leave, but I knew I wouldn't have left. And if it wasn't for my dreams and be with this person, I had the courage to leave but I knew I wouldn't have left.

Next Level Dreamliner: The planner, agenda, journal, and habit tracker to rule them all. Get a copy:

Speaker 2

And if it wasn't for my dreams, I remember explaining cause. One of my friends was why would you? You guys are so great together, why would you ever, why would you not want to be together? I said, first of all, you think we're great together because your relationship in comparison, because your relationship in comparison, wowza, wowza. But anyways, great together. Great is relative, apparently, holy crap, holy so. And my answer was it used to be. I'm going to be with this person and achieve my dreams. And I said eventually it became an or and I knew I had to choose and I knew my choice. I chose my dreams, basically, now the breakthrough, my dreams forced me to live at a standard that required me to surround myself with better people, and I had no choice because, dude, I could never have achieved my dreams if I stayed around people like that, and that is so unfortunate. No wonder why people don't have goals, dude, that's so.

Speaker 1

Well, yeah, but your biggest, your biggest pain point was relationships too. So I think it's different, not 100 percent different.

Speaker 2

I mean not think about the people in your life, the standards. I mean you have to keep really high standards for who you surround yourself with.

Speaker 1

You have no choice but I think the interesting thing is, if I wanted to, I could have. I could still be friends with a lot of the people that I used to be. I just chose not to. I know I could still pull it off, but really yeah, for sure. I don't feel like I could, because relationships are your biggest, that's your biggest thing. Oh yeah, that's the core wound. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2

So the unlovable versus defective and all that. Yeah, okay, interesting. I think it affects me more than you. Yeah, yeah, definitely does 100%.

Speaker 1

Yeah, yeah, I think, so that makes perfect sense, because it's almost like if and again. I know it sounds cold to talk about it this way.

Speaker 2

I don't intend it, that's not my goal, but how dare you we?

Role of standards in relationships and personal growth

Speaker 1

always we've used the analogy in the past there's plus minus, equal. There's some people that you get around they're way ahead of you plus. There are some people that you get around that minus. They're just behind where you aspire to get to. Not making that wrong, I'm just saying that as a label. And then there's equal to. These are your people that you're growing with together. So in many, many, many ways Alan is ahead of me. In many other ways Alan is equal to me and I think there are very few places where Alan is behind me, but maybe emotional intelligence maybe, but that's less now than ever.

Speaker 2

I would say, understanding people.

Speaker 1

Okay.

Speaker 2

Understanding people with your core wound.

Speaker 1

But there are some people which is the majority of people, I think, yeah, I would say that's probably fair. There are some people where, when it comes to awareness and fitness and business acumen and speaking and podcasting and coaching, they're just not ahead Understandable, just not ahead understandable. If I'm going into that arena, if I'm going to that environment, I don't necessarily expect to learn anything about that stuff, but sometimes it's really good perspective. Yeah, right, so I don't know. I I think I just have a different, I try to have a different approach with it, just because, really, because I'm trying. I'm ultimately trying not to put my standards on somebody else, but I also have to make sure that my lack of that is not creating stuff for me like problems and resistance for me well, because leadership is holding a higher standard, but not in a toxic way.

Speaker 2

Leading by example is holding the highest standard. Yeah, like if you're on a sports team and you're looked to as the captain of the sports team, metaphorically, you should have the highest standards for yourself in that sport. The only difference is which inspires the team to be better, but everybody on the team signed up to.

Speaker 1

In that sport, the only difference is which inspires the team to be better, but everybody on the team signed up to play that game. Right? That's the difference. There's many people in my life who did not sign up to be better speakers. That's not what they're here to do. They're not here to be better speakers and not use filler words, and they're not here for that. Did they sign up to be?

Speaker 1

better human beings Some filler words and they're not here for that. Did they sign up to be better human beings? Some of them, yeah, some of them, but I think that's where leading by example comes in. If I continue to be a better human being, I'm sure that'll rub off in some way, shape or form, of course, but not all of it will. Nobody's going to care about. Kev said that whole sentence without using a filler word. Some people aren't even going to recognize that because that's not what they value. They don't really care, understandably so.

Leadership and standards are everything

Speaker 2

What came up for me in that that's one of the awesome things about coaching is you put on the coaching hat, which is the guide, which is hey, you are here to be motivated, educated, inspired in the achievement of your own goals and dreams. It's interesting. Whatever you are leader in, you essentially have to have the highest standards inside of yourself, and then you have to be very careful with who wants you to hold them accountable to those standards. Yeah, yeah, leadership's the hardest thing in the entire world, I think.

Speaker 1

You lead more humans than I do in different ways. So I can't claim to know what's harder leading others or leading yourself more humans than I do in different ways. So I I can't claim to know, all right, what's harder leading others or leading yourself. Others by far, by far leading myself is easy peasy. Yeah, I wonder if it's like that for everybody though. Yeah, you know.

Speaker 2

Emilia has told me she's tried to help so many people With so many things and she has, but she said leading you is easy, makes sense why do you say that Because you want to be lit?

Speaker 1

yeah it's not. It's almost impossible to lead someone who doesn't want to be lit. Yeah, it's so challenging. It's so. Imagine when I used to be a personal trainer. People would come in that just didn't want to work and they didn't want results and they had so much money that they didn't care. And it was almost impossible. It's like you don't want to work and they didn't want results and they had so much money that they didn't care, and it was almost impossible. It's like you don't want to be here.

Speaker 2

And then if you thought to yourself, wow, I'm not a good enough personal trainer.

Speaker 1

Of course I did. That's so detrimental that's.

Speaker 2

I feel like I've done that my entire life. It's why.

Speaker 1

Yeah.

Speaker 2

Now it's worse. Imagine someone comes in, pretends they do want to be in shape, pretends they do want to put in the work, pretends they do put in the work.

Speaker 1

You just got to look at the behavior.

Speaker 2

I know that, but the behavior in front of you is very different. I used to say you know words can lie, actions never do. That's not true.

Speaker 1

No, no, that's not true Actions definitely lie.

Speaker 2

People put on a show while they're in front of you.

Speaker 1

Yeah, actions are better liars than words, if you know how to do it.

Speaker 2

We had a waitress yesterday. We went to Longhorn for my mother's birthday and the waitress knew I was into fitness, which is good news, because that means that I look like at least somewhat of a bodybuilder. She said, oh, you're carving up, huh, you're in a bulk, or something like that. And Emilia later on said something along the lines of Alan, you were so excited to have anyone understand at all what macros are, or calories or bulk. You lit up like a Christmas tree when someone talks fitness around you. And she said Alan, I bet you she has no idea what she's talking about. She's probably just doing that for a better tip.

Speaker 2

And again, emilia is being playful with it, but honestly, that's probably true. She's probably just putting on. Here's what's happening. She sees a bodybuilder. She wants to create a good experience for us. That's her job and she wants to light us up. It's my mom's birthday, blah, blah, blah. So she wants to light us up. It's my mom's birthday, blah blah. So she talks about what I value. Then I think that's what she values, when in reality that's actually one percent of what she values, but she amplifies it to 20 and then I think she's into fitness too and, oh my god, we can talk macros and all stuff. I never realized that people are amplifying that one percent just just, that's belonging and that's belonging and that's sales.

Speaker 1

That's exactly what sales is right and so now I'm on.

Speaker 2

so Emilia said yeah, that's just, she doesn't track macros, she is just saying that because that's her job. And I said you know what? That's interesting. I don't really do that that much. I don't dial things up for people. I think that's small talk too, though.

Speaker 1

Yeah, I think it's small talk. Small talk is Taryn and I went to Starbucks last week a couple weeks ago. Before we went to, we did a day trip for our anniversary and the guy working behind the counter was like what do you think of? What do you think of your car?

Speaker 2

you like your car and I was like yeah, huge fan love my car first bmw I've ever had.

Speaker 1

Like this is like a dream come true. And he's like okay, I have a bmw too over there and I'm thinking kind of trading up and I'm just always curious to what people's experiences have been like. All that is a small talk based on a similar core, but the difference is he actually does value bmws and has one.

Speaker 2

This waitress does not and if you saw her, she's not into fitness but I've had a lot of people talk about the car. That don't yeah, yeah, but I don't value that. I think that one of the reasons why I suck at this and hopefully this is landing for some of our listeners I don't do that, I don't you don't like having small talk.

Speaker 1

That's what makes sense. Oh yeah, you don't like having small talk.

Speaker 2

But I'm not going to pretend to be into BMWs when I'm not. But I will say sometimes, if you value BMWs, I can find the 1% that is relevant and maybe make it 3% or 5% or something. But when you talk about a movie, I get pumped because I love movies. I don't know, know if anything. You know, what the problem is is I dial down. So if you talked about a movie, I would actually dial down how much I love movies, because otherwise it's just too much.

Small Talk: Optimizing belonging

Speaker 2

It's well, I think that goes to the core wound yeah, well, hopefully that lands for everybody because, at the end of the day, yeah well, hopefully that lands for everybody because at the end of the day, people are optimizing for belonging. That doesn't mean that's at all the version of them. That's real it's. It's a very small subset of who they are and all of us are kind of you and I talked about this. People are very humble around you typically and they tend to ego up around me. That's been fascinating because they're amplifying the achiever version of them around me and they're mirroring you, they're mirroring your humility and they're mirroring my self-belief. So we're getting this echo chamber of. I mean, dude, if you could be a fly on the wall for some of my conversations, it's unbelievable what people do. Oh yeah, I'm blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It's like what are we even talking about? I don't even know you. Why are we talking about your goals and dreams?

Speaker 1

It's like they're mirroring and matching my intensity, that you give them permission to do it. You give people permission to dream and to express.

Speaker 2

Huge superpower and I'm so grateful for that Genuinely. That's my mission, that's my purpose. I love that. But holy crap, that comes with the downside of thinking that everyone's into goals and dreams. For sure. I've spent my whole life thinking everyone has into goals and dreams. For sure I've spent my whole life thinking everyone has huge goals and dreams. And I saw someone recently who I hadn't seen in a really long time and I was like whoa, you didn't, didn't you want to XYZ? And now I understand that around me they were amplifying that. And again, this has gotten off track.

Speaker 2

But whoever is listening or watching, what is it that you are that you amplify in others? That's not how the world actually is. They're mirroring and matching you. Human beings are the best in the world at belonging. We will completely enmesh. I witnessed that in real time yesterday at dinner. Everyone's just enmeshing. Okay, what is in common? That we can all stay at Right, and I think all of us live in our own little echo chamber because of that. I think that's very, it's very important for all of us. I mean, I didn't. I didn't know that that's, that's within my 30s for sure. I didn't know that. That's within my 30s for sure.

Speaker 1

I didn't know that at all. Well, it's really challenging to find the amount of relationships you would probably have to sift through in order to find someone who is just so aligned with your core values, your core beliefs, your core aspirations, your traumas, your triggers, your core wounds. It would be really challenging to do that.

Speaker 2

Yeah, this is why the honeymoon phase is so interesting, because the honeymoon phase is a version of you that you can't sustain yeah, not always but, like with emilia I didn't.

Speaker 2

I said be me, 100 me. There's no dialing up or down. Just be me, detach from the outcome and just be fully you, because you need to be loved for who you actually are. Don't pretend anything. And she said the same thing and we've talked about it since. Like before we, her sister came into her bedroom before our first date and said, seriously, her sister's, you know, just seriously, meaning you're going to wear jeans and a black tee On your first date. Aren't you excited to meet this guy talking about me? And uh, she's like I'm just gonna this, this is me, I'm just gonna be me. We showed up both same exact outfit jeans and a black. You want to?

Speaker 1

be next throwing right right, yeah, yeah. Axe throwing yeah.

Speaker 2

And I had the inclination to let her win and I didn't. I couldn't because I needed to be me and me is a little competitive. I crushed it, man. I didn't think I was gonna honestly Crushed it.

Speaker 1

It's an interesting game. Axe throwing is an interesting. It's an interesting attraction. This is an interesting it's an interesting attraction.

Evaluating personal standards in relationships

Speaker 2

This would never fly in anything other than freestyle friday, but our axe throwing guide did not break character even a little bit. I love that.

Speaker 1

It was excellent performance I don't know if it's because he was nervous.

Speaker 2

in hindsight it's probably because he was super nervous, but he did not break character even a little. He was like a caricature man.

Speaker 1

I respect it.

Speaker 2

Yeah.

Speaker 1

Somebody who's excited to go do their thing. Go to work.

Speaker 2

I don't know if he was excited.

Speaker 1

but we went to a Rage Room a few weeks ago last month and you smashed stuff. Oh nice. A few weeks ago last month, and you, you smashed stuff in a room. Oh nice, you want to talk about seeing kevin his in his centeredness? I got a tv and I was smashing this tv but the manager of it was like just awesome. Just he's basically like I want you to go in that room and I do not want you to take on any anger with you. Do whatever you want, smash whatever. You want you to go in that room and I do not want you to take on any anger with you. Do whatever you want, smash whatever you want, you can play whatever music you want, you can swear as much as you want. Just make sure you leave that room happier than when you went in.

Speaker 2

And it was just like okay, this is the best. Why haven't we heard about this on the podcast? Was there no lesson in that?

Speaker 1

I don't know. I thought I talked about it.

Speaker 2

Maybe I'll have to go look. This is the first time I've ever heard about the Rage Room in my entire life.

Speaker 1

I posted content. You don't watch my social media, though, just like I don't watch your social media, so we don't really know what's going on in each other's lives. We just talk about business. All right, we got to go because you have a call in four minutes, an interesting one today.

Speaker 2

Standards.

Speaker 1

Standards Standards for the way you treat other people, standards for the way this would be my takeaway Are your standards for others higher than your standards for yourself? Are your standards for yourself higher than your standards for others, and are your standards constructive or destructive In whatever way, whether they're too high, too low, whatever. That's a question for you to take away with Agreed. You dig. Yes, all right, as always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you. Reach out if you want access to the Next Level Fitness Accountability Group. And, as always at NLU, we do not have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow.

Speaker 2

Raise.

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Alan Lazaros

Host
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Kevin Palmieri

Host