Next Level University

#1797 - This One Thing Dictates So Much Of Your Life…

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Share episode

Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.

0:00 | 27:39

Have you ever stayed in a situation that you knew wasn’t right for you? In today’s episode, hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros explore how recognizing and acting on misalignment in your life can lead to tremendous personal growth and happiness. They share personal stories and insights on the importance of courage, humility, and self-awareness in navigating relationships and life decisions. Tune in to learn how to avoid unnecessary pain by making the right choices sooner.

Link mentioned:
Subscribe & follow  NLU: https://www.buzzsprout.com/742955/share

______________________

NLU is not just a podcast; it’s a gateway to a wealth of resources designed to help you achieve your goals and dreams. From our Next Level Dreamliner to our Group Coaching, we offer a variety of tools and communities to support your personal development journey.

For more information, please check out our website at the link below. 👇

Website 💻  http://www.nextleveluniverse.com

_______________________

Any of these communities or resources are FREE to join and consume
Next Level Nation - https://www.facebook.com/groups/459320958216700
Next Level 5 To Thrive (free course) - ​​https://bit.ly/3xffver
Next Level U Book Club - https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/next-level-book-club/
Next Level Monthly Meet-up:  https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/monthly-meetups/

_______________________

We love connecting with you guys! Reach out on Instagram, Facebook, or via email. We’re here to support you in your personal and professional development journey.

Instagram 📷
Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/neverquitkid/
Alan: https://www.instagram.com/alazaros88/

Facebook ✍
Alan: https://www.facebook.com/alan.lazaros
Kevin: https://www.facebook.com/kevin.palmieri.90/

Email 💬
Kevin@nextleveluniverse.com
Alan@nextleveluniverse.com

LinkedIn ✍
Kevin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kevin-palmieri-5b7736160/
Alan: https://www.linkedin.com/in/alanlazarosllc/

_______________________

Show notes:
(1:39) Reflection on early podcast episodes
(3:20) Relationships and the importance of alignment
(7:04) Emotional maturity and personal responsibility
(10:04) The Same: Right and Hard
(13:49) Next Level Dreamliner: The planner, agenda, journal, and habit tracker to rule them all. Get a copy: https://a.co/d/f1FWAQ
(14:35) Knowing better Vs. Doing better
(17:32) Admittance point
(20:13) Taking the high road
(23:12) The impact of growth and self-reflection
(25:11) Taking responsibility, personal development, and lessons l

Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Speaker 1

Next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. Today, for episode number 1,797, we're creeping up on 1,800, this one thing dictates so much of your life. So today I was looking for inspiration for what we were going to talk about and I went back to some old podcast episodes Episode 350. Now, no, no, no, don't do it, don't say it, because we're going to talk about and I went back to some old podcast episodes.

Speaker 1

Episode 350 now no no, no, don't do it. Don't say it, because we're going to do it again. Don't say it, don't say it. Episode.

Speaker 2

X.

Speaker 1

Episode 350 X, 350 something, but I was listening to that episode and hey.

Speaker 2

Yeah, what did you think of us? Oh, it was brutal.

Speaker 1

Yeah, it was brutal. Yeah, it was brutal. So I couldn't listen to the whole thing. I, quite literally, I'm so loud, I'm just so loud. Yeah, just when insecure.

Speaker 2

Less confident.

Speaker 1

Yeah, when insecure, make more noise from your mouth. That was kind of my playbook. If you're insecure, just yell the things that you're saying and then people will believe them. Wrong, not true. That's one. The static back then was terrible, was it? Bad static in those episodes.

Speaker 2

Yeah, it's brutal were we in the studio. I did a Pepsi challenge in the 300s?

Reflection on early podcast episodes

Speaker 1

I don't know. No, no, um, in the 300s, I don't know. No, no, I don't know. I have no idea. I feel like we were in mom's basement at that point. Maybe yeah, but probably not, because we were in the studio for 500. At that point we were doing at least five a week, so it's only 160, 30 weeks. We had the studio for a couple years, right? So probably we were probably in the studio. We didn't know what we were doing.

Speaker 2

Apparently not.

Speaker 1

You know what it is too, as much as we do today. We've just improved. That's it. We've improved a lot.

Speaker 2

That's the goal. Doesn't feel like it?

Speaker 1

Yeah, no.

Speaker 2

I had a moment last night.

Speaker 1

So Taryn's away sitting for someone, one of her friends, nice. So I've been alone since Sunday. So Sunday night, monday night, tuesday night, a couple dogs and a cat. I think it's a dog and two cats, or something like that.

Speaker 2

Nice yeah.

Speaker 1

And the cat's name is Kevin Nice. She can't get away from me. Even when you go pet sitting, I'm there baby, I'm there. But I was thinking, last night, one I had, I had this realization. I I texted tyron this I said I just had a moment where I realized that when I am away, I am not homesick. I am you sick because you are my home, because even though you're not here and I'm laying in my bed, I have those I still I still have those feels. Yeah, it was.

Speaker 2

it was very yeah, it was very important. It's good to know that.

Speaker 1

Yeah, it was very important to know that, because it doesn't matter where I am. If she's not there, then it's not going to be the same, and that was really. It was a really cool feeling, because I'm used to being homesick when I travel, but I'm not homesick, I'm my wife sick.

Speaker 2

That's cool. That means she's home. She is.

Relationships and the importance of alignment

Speaker 1

And I've been saying that. I've been saying that for the last five years. She's my home, she's my safe space, she's my warmth when I go home after a long day of battle. She's my safe place, all right. So what are we talking about today? She's my safe place, all right. So what are we talking about today? I was listening to the old episode and, as brutal as it was, there were some lessons. There was some value in there.

Speaker 1

And I think, for me at least, this one thing dictates so much of your life how fast do you go from misalignment back into alignment, how fast do you go from stuck back into momentum? And maybe the most powerful frame for me would be how fast do you go from excuses to logic? Now, I know I've used this example a million times and it's one of the best examples ever. There was a time where I was in a situationship with someone I knew it was never going to be a relationship and I knew it. I knew that this is not a line, this is not a line. This is not a line, this is not a line. But the person kept saying this is a line for me, this is a line for me, this is a line for me, even though I knew it wasn't how ironic is it in hindsight that that person thought that you would change your mind, which in hindsight I couldn't have been any clearer and tried so hard to say look, this is never.

Speaker 1

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking eventually I'm gonna fall. I'm not. I'm telling you I'm not. I've done this before this is. I've done this before this isn't gonna happen've done this before this isn't going to happen. The way you think You're not home and then you're going to hate me. You're going to absolutely hate me, and I do not want to be the reason that you struggle with relationships in the future or have trust issues in the future. I don't want to be that, isn't it?

Speaker 2

paradoxical how the fact that she was, and again, arrogant enough to think that you would change your mind is actually why you would never change your mind. I find that I don't know.

Speaker 1

I don't know if I would say arrogant. I might say naive, potentially naive enough, but I mean maybe same same things on opposite ends of the spectrum. But I had that thought for a long time and one of the reasons it caused so much pain is because I did not go from misalignment to alignment fast enough, and I think we're all guilty of that in something, in what's a good example of this.

Speaker 2

Go ahead. I know that you're scared to share this on a public medium, but, oh boy, what do you think the humility of that person was in hindsight? I have a point, I promise.

Speaker 1

What do I think the humility was?

Speaker 2

yeah, I don't like talking, I don't.

Speaker 1

I don't like Seeming like I'm talking negative about someone because I don't mean it that way I know.

Speaker 2

But I'm asking it's not like you're talking negative.

Speaker 1

Uh, not Not high, right, not high. No, not high.

Speaker 2

What I've found in a lot of relationships not all, but a lot. Emilia and I are coming up on our fourth year just coaching different couples and then also learning about our own relationship. Usually there's one partner not always, but a lot of times there's one person who struggles with humility and one who is struggling with courage. I think you didn't have the courage I mean you did have the courage to tell her, so you obviously did your part with that but what I've found happens a lot is when one partner struggles with courage, the other one usually struggles with humility, and they are connected. In other words, the more courage one of the partners has, the more humility the other person will have.

Emotional maturity and personal responsibility

Speaker 1

I don't know if I actually had that much humility at this point, at that point, because I you sure that's not just coming off the episode no, no, I mean, that's probably a piece of it, yeah, but I dude, I think I was still delusional to what all this was going to be. You know, I didn't have the lessons that I have today and I didn't have the experiences that I have. I think I was very naive and I think maybe being naive and being arrogant are two, two roots of the same tree. Potentially, I I was just naive to all of this.

Speaker 2

I had no idea. Arrogant, ignorant, delusional Right. I think, arrogance is a different energy. Naive is accidental delusion, I think.

Speaker 1

Arrogant is you kind of know deep down that you're but it's all lack of awareness, agreed Right, it's lack of awareness and lack of accuracy, and maybe I I don't know. I mean I felt like I was doing something cool for the first time ever. I was an entrepreneur, I made my own schedule, you know. I'm sure there was pieces of me that were arrogant at that point. I didn't know, I didn't know how, to date, because I think that was the first person I dated after becoming an entrepreneur, after, like, leaving my job. I think that was the first person I dated, so I didn't really understand how everything worked. Yet it was a weird time in my life. For sure, in retrospect, I don't think I understood. I understand or I understood how weird it was until I look back, but that was a very strange time.

Speaker 2

Yeah, that's usually how it works, right?

Speaker 1

You look back and go wow, that was was yeah, it makes sense now, but at the time it just felt like life, that's kind of the existence of life. But yeah, the ultimate point that I wanted to make and touch on in this episode is that the times where the times where life was the hardest and I felt like I was making the least progress, it was usually when I knew the answer. I just didn't want to admit it. It's sometimes the right thing and the hardest thing are the same thing. You've heard me say I haven't said that in a long time, but that's something I used to say often Sometimes the right thing and the hard thing are the same thing. Sometimes the right thing and the easy thing are the opposites. I would say, most of the time, probably. Yeah, I think, because the right, that the hard thing, is usually the thing that you don't want to do, which is usually probably the the thing that's best for you yeah I didn't want to break that off with that person, more for them than for me.

The Same: Right and Hard

Speaker 1

I didn't want to. I didn't want to hurt them. I didn't want to. It was almost like if I did that, then all the time we spent together you're gonna. I don't want you to think that I was leading you on, even though I told you I wasn't, because when it comes to an end, now it's a cycle and now there was a beginning, a middle in the end, and now you're gonna start looking back and reflecting and saying, wait, this was never gonna be a thing. No, that's what I said. I said that the beginning, but now that there's an end, there's a cause, there's a reason for you to were you afraid to be a villain?

Speaker 1

yeah, 100 and I was. I was remember. I don't remember the exact message, but I do I. It was a well. I don't remember the whole thing. It was a long, long long message.

Speaker 2

Is it wild how you got villainized even though you said this is exactly what was going to happen and where's the?

Speaker 1

responsibility on her end seriously like yes and yes, and I knew I was going to get villainized.

Speaker 2

It's so brutal, that's so hard for me to accept. There's feelings. It's your responsibility to. She decided to continue a relationship with someone who said I'm never going to fall for you, this is never going to be long term. Where is her responsibility in that?

Speaker 1

It wasn't there In fairness. It wasn't there in in fairness. It wasn't there, right, it was a, it was all an emotion, it was emotional, it was emotional and then, naturally, when things end, you're gonna be emotional about it and that's like me being like hey, kev, I'm coming over, but no matter what, I have to leave it too.

Speaker 2

And then, when I leave it too, you'd be like what the fuck man it's like wait a minute, but there's.

Speaker 1

But there's no joy to leave it too. If it was okay, if it was my birthday party and I valued birthday parties at 10 out of 10, and you left it too, I'd be upset, and then it's my responsibility to know that and then to not come to your birthday or stay till four. That's actually a really good lesson. I have made that mistake yeah, or stay until four and have a half does hezzy twisted tease.

Speaker 2

Of course, yeah, you know I'm kidding.

Speaker 1

No, no, I'm very serious. I will stay all night and I will have twisted tease. If it's the right person on the right date, I'm in, I'm down to ride. But yeah, that's the ultimate thought. Yeah, the person could have too, I could have. When we decided, look, this isn't going to be a relationship, I very easily could have said we can't hang out at all, I very easily could have. I was trying to get my needs met. I was lonely, I was sad.

Speaker 2

I was dealing with being an entrepreneur.

Speaker 1

I was grasping at railings I think it was probably a lack of courage and a lack of discipline.

Speaker 2

Yeah yeah, the high road always is the harder road.

Speaker 1

Maybe that's the lesson is the amount of and again, this isn't going to be like a quote that sticks, because I don't think it's fully true, but it's the beginning of maybe a an exploration I love it different than the three, the, the 300s kev.

Speaker 1

Yeah, yeah, a little bit the, the difference between knowing better and doing better. There. I don't know what that is like, what that means, but whatever that is is probably going to be how much you regret. Yeah, the difference between I know better and I'm doing better. That's like where we get stuck. I knew better, I knew better. I knew better, I knew better, I knew better, I didn't do better.

Speaker 2

Yeah, there's a lot of things where you didn't know better, and then it goes poorly and then you regret it and then you learn.

Speaker 1

But I wonder if you regret it less. Probably yeah, definitely, definitely.

Next Level Dreamliner: The planner, agenda, journal, and habit tracker to rule them all. Get a copy:

Speaker 2

Right, yeah, because there are things you know you should do that you don't do. Then there are things you know you shouldn't do that you do, do, do, do the gap between awareness and action. What is it courage? Maybe is it lack of humility. Maybe is it lack of self-discipline? Often, yeah, is it? Usually? There's a fear under there. I think it's commitment. Is it lack of self-discipline? Often, yeah, is it? Usually there's a fear under there.

Speaker 1

I think it's commitment. I think it's really like how committed are you to actually getting and doing what you say you want and are going to do that's?

Speaker 2

a big point of it. Yeah, for sure.

Knowing better Vs. Doing better

Speaker 1

And just for context, the person eventually reached out and sent me a long message and then said Also fuck you, Whoa. And I've never mentioned this later, probably, like I don't know, four or five months later, because I didn't respond to that. I was like I'm not going to do this, we're not doing this, I'm not going to have an argument with you. Whatever you win, fuck me right, cool, awesome. Whatever you win, fuck me Right, cool, awesome. I think. I think, like I don't know three, four, five, six months later they reached out and said hey, a friend was a friend was I don't know. I was talking to a friend about the gym and fitness or something, and I looked you up to see what you were up to and I remember she said you look chunky and you look like you're really enjoying life. And I remember thinking to myself what, that's what you come with.

Speaker 2

Yeah, and again.

Speaker 1

I was nice. It is like I'm going to be fine, it's fine, it's. Don't even worry about it, I'm good, it's fine, that's fine. You want to throw a little backhanded, maybe? Backhanded compliment, it's all good.

Speaker 2

But I just think I don't know, man even then I understood yeah, but this person's hurt yeah, but that's not okay it's not okay.

Speaker 1

She gets to hurt you, yeah, but she didn't hurt me she didn't. No, no, I wasn't chunky, I was jacked come on man, okay, I was in really good shape, but but I would have stood up for you. Oh, I appreciate that. And then you would have been villainized heavily, and then I would have wanted to stand up for you, and it would have been the whole cycle that.

Speaker 2

Yeah.

Speaker 1

It's just not Worth it to you. The lesson for me is I could have stopped that long before it ever got to that point and I didn't it would. I didn't. It would have been easier for me to stop it because the other person didn't want to and they knew. I'm certain they knew eventually it would go wrong. They just didn't want to get to that admittance point, or I already was aware of it. I should have done something.

Speaker 2

So let's talk about that. Why didn't they want to get to the admittance? Or why didn't they get to the admittance point? Because that's the lesson in the episode. Because you mentioned before we recorded how honest can you be with yourself and then go from that to change?

Speaker 1

Yeah, this person did not have a history of good relationships. This person had been treated very badly in the past and me halfway in was better than I think anything she assumed she could get all the way at that point, yeah, and I think that's what she was getting her needs met. Maybe she felt safe for the first time, you know, maybe she felt supported, maybe she felt whatever. Whatever it was, but I think it was just a comparison of well, all my other relationships or situationships or people in my life have been extremely negative and this person isn't. I'm going to see where this goes and even if it goes wrong, the wrong might not be as wrong as it has been in the past, so that's still improvement.

Admittance point

Speaker 1

So, it wasn't bad, it wasn't negative. So it wasn't. It wasn't bad. It wasn't negative. It was even the fact that it started off as like a potential relationship and then we realized it wasn't going to get that way. Even the situation ship and hanging out and spending time together was better than nothing for that person. It was better than the alternative, and it was for me too. It was for me too, until it wasn, until it wasn't. Until it wasn't and I got to the point where I said, yeah, I'm getting some needs met, but I'm also preventing myself. Let's say, right now, I'm getting my physical needs met. I'm not really getting my emotional needs met because I'm not really. It's not a focus. I'm not really getting my certainty needs met when it comes to building a future with this person, but I'm getting my physical needs met and that's what it feels like I need right now more than anything because I am crumbling under the weight of this goal and these dreams. So I knew I was getting something out of it too. So it was to me.

Speaker 2

It made sense to do it Well. The lesson under this is if it's not a win-win, it's a lose, and unfortunately, it was a win-win that eventually becomes a win-lose.

Speaker 1

Yeah, but I take ownership for that. I think the person with higher awareness has higher responsibility and higher awareness. I knew it was going to happen. That's on me. That's on me as much as it's on the other person. Probably more honestly, the way they react maybe that could have been in, it could have been different, but the way I.

Speaker 2

The way they reacted is almost proof of the fact that it's not a person you want to spend long term with.

Speaker 1

That's I know that's a hard truth, but that's the truth, it's.

Speaker 2

The way she reacted is actually proof that you shouldn't have been with her, in a way.

Speaker 1

But isn't it the opposite too, where the way I set things up is also?

Speaker 2

proof. No, because you were honest. You were super honest. I was there for that whole thing. You were super honest man, I was going through it.

Taking the high road

Speaker 2

The amount of immaturity that came as a byproduct of that is exactly why you didn't want to be with her. That's the irony, that's the paradox. It's you were, you were of higher value and you were trying to be very honest. And the other person ironically, uh, paradoxically the way she reacted to that whole thing is actually ironically, the reason. You don't actually, you didn't actually want more and again. What's the lesson under that? Rather than and I'm not trying to be unkind here, I just there's something to be said for that there there's someone who she didn't take the high road, no way. And then the backhanded compliment later of hey, you got chunky, what? That's not any high road. There's no high road there, and that's the truth. So I just wanted to say that it's not a high road. Fire me up.

Speaker 2

You know why it's so hard to take the high road? Because it requires a tremendous amount of personal development. You have to believe in yourself a ton. You have to have high self-worth, you have to have super high humility. You have to have great emotional maturity, emotional regulation. You have to understand your parts. You have to do therapy work, you have to do coaching work. You have to. You have to be a grown adult. And it's very, very hard. I get it like I do, I understand and, yeah, probably your fault, more than anyone at the end of the day, because you knew better, but like, where's the other end of that? Where's the other person's? I mean, she's a grown woman who made her own choices. Dude, I just can't I don't know.

Speaker 1

You know me, though. I'm hard on myself when it comes to that, and I appreciate that, but that's the irony too.

Speaker 2

You're so hard on yourself, taking all the ownership, which is exactly why you're a high value man that she wants to be with. That's the irony, that's the paradox. And I've been in your position, not in, I mean, yeah, I've been in your position many times with friends, with family, with team members, with intimate partners, and, unfortunately, you're the one who gets villainized, even though you were the one who was adding value the whole time well, I know I did my best and I know I could have done better, and I know I could have done better Now in retrospect, I could have done better.

Speaker 1

And again, the point is not for me to talk about past situationships. I know I tell that story often and the reason I tell that story is because there were so many lessons in it for me, so many lessons that I never thought I would get came from situations like that where there's a I know we got to hop here in a minute, but there is a um a story in Parks and Rec not the one I usually tell, but I've told this one before, probably when we talked about this but one of the main characters, ron Swanson. He something happened and he, like, broke his toe or dropped something on his toe and he knew, or maybe he got a splinter, I don't know, and it was either him or somebody. I haven't. I haven't watched it in a long time. I got rid of youtube tv, so I lost parks and rec, so I haven't watched a parks and rec episode in a minute.

Speaker 1

But somebody had something happen to their toe and they knew there was something wrong with it and they said I should go to the doctors, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go. And they never won and they end up losing their toe. And when they went to the doctor. As the doctor said, if you just came in when this happened, we it would be fine. So now ron swanson says I have as many toes as I have. It's kind of what he says like somebody says how many toes do you have? He says I have as many as I have.

Speaker 2

That's how many toes I have I think I'm pretty sure it was which I think is nine at least but yeah, no, at most nine it's a good metaphor, though, because that's exactly what it is if you just come in 100 when this first happened, if you had just ended the relationship or the situation ship when you knew to and that's when I tried tuition thing.

Speaker 1

I tried and the person said no, no, let's keep doing this.

Speaker 2

It's like but you didn't have the courage to say, no, let let's not do it 100%.

The impact of growth and self-reflection

Speaker 1

And that is the part that you should take ownership for the rest of the stuff.

Speaker 2

I mean, again, I'm also in a phase where I'm trying not to take 150% ownership for everything, even though honestly and this is the weird sort of meta lesson the last thing I say, I promise I do think that it's empowering to take responsibility, even if it's. I mean, I had something happen to me recently where I said I know there's a lick of truth in this and I'm going to find the truth in it. And I went through the entire message with Emilia and I said what of this is actually true? Because I'm going to change those things, I'm going to work on those things, but but you can't go to work on the things that are not real.

Speaker 2

Yeah, you can't go to work on the things that are not real. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the person who takes responsibility, the person who takes ownership, the person who holds themselves accountable is the person who transforms, and the person who transforms ends up in the better position long-term, even though they're the ones who look like the maybe butt-head in the beginning the butt-head.

Speaker 1

Because you transformed so much since then through all these lessons.

Speaker 2

I mean think about how much that's been a lesson for you that has skyrocketed you into a bigger, better, brighter future. And the other person who thinks none of it was their fault probably hasn't changed at all.

Speaker 1

Well, yeah, it's one of the most valuable lessons, for sure, for me. That's why I like talking about it so much. Not because I like talking about my friends with benefits situations I've had in the past. It's not that. It's.

Speaker 2

This was a lesson that I will never forget ever, imagine I point at kevin for every, every mistake we've ever made at nlu and I always blame kevin. I don't get to learn or grow at all. I'll just stay the same. I'll be the self-righteous one who stays the same while kevin keeps getting better and then eventually kevin's not going to want to be my business partner. I think that there's a lot of lessons in that. So when people only point fingers outward, be careful.

Speaker 1

That's a lesson when people only point fingers at you.

Speaker 2

Be careful.

Taking responsibility, personal development, and lessons learned

Speaker 1

All right, we've got to go because I have a coaching call in two minutes. Make sure you're subscribed. If you have not subscribed, to whatever podcast platform you are listening to us on, or if you're watching us on YouTube youtube, subscribe there so you never miss an opportunity to get to the next level. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you, and at nlu we don't have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow please reach out.

Head Shot

Alan Lazaros

Host
Head Shot

Kevin Palmieri

Host