Next Level University

#1815 - A Simple Relationship Test

Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

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0:00 | 28:22

How do you know if a relationship is helping you become the best version of yourself? In today’s episode, Kevin and Alan explore the concept of self-growth in relationships—whether personal or professional—and how aligning values and goals can make or break these connections. They discuss the importance of being true to yourself with humor and honesty, sharing real-life examples and lessons learned from their journeys. Tune in for insights to help you reflect on your relationships and inspire positive change.

Links mentioned:
Next Level Group Coaching - https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/group-coaching/
Group 16 - The 1st call is on Tuesday, October 8, 2024, at 5 PM EST, and the group runs for 3 months. Discount Code for N.L. Group Coaching (30% off): NLULISTENER
Free 30-Minute Podcast Breakthrough Session with Kevin:
https://calendly.com/kevinpalmieri/free-30-minute-podcast-breakthrough-session-with-kevin?month=2024-08
Free 30-Minute Coaching Call with Alan: https://calendly.com/alanlazaros/30-minute-call-with-alan?month=2024-09

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For more information, please check out our website at the link below. 👇

Website 💻  http://www.nextleveluniverse.com

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🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Speaker 1

At the time, I think there was a delta between as open as I was and as open as I wanted to be. I think I aspired to grow in that direction, but not to the place where I would have had to grow to.

Speaker 2

If you help me become a better version of myself and that's actually what I want it's not just that I can be my true self, it's I can actually not only be my true self, but I actually become a better version of myself. I think a great relationship, instead of just a good one, is someone who helps you become the best version of yourself.

Speaker 1

Welcome to Next Level University. I'm your host, kevin Palmieri, and I'm your co-host, alan Lazarus. At NLU, we believe in a heart-driven but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers. Our goal with every episode is to help you level upbelief self-worth self-awareness, relationships, boundaries, consistency, habits and defining your own unique version of success.

Speaker 2

Self-improvement in your pocket, every day, from anywhere, completely free.

Speaker 1

Welcome to Next Level University. Welcome to Next Level University, next Level Nation, welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. Today, for episode number 1815, a simple relationship test. The reason we are laughing if you are listening to this on audio is because my chair just gave out. Gently, you're probably sick of hearing it and you're probably saying Kev, why don't you just get a new chair? And I don't have an answer for you, I don't. I get lazy. You know why? Honestly, because the necessity is not high enough. That's why that's the truth, because I haven't gone ass over tea kettle, I haven't gotten hurt. Nobody's reached out and said hey, I'm sick of hearing about the chair. If that happened, I guarantee I'd order one that day.

Speaker 2

Exactly and, if anything, it's actually really funny, so it probably is bringing joy to the podcast that is usually super serious, also real quick. I'm quick, I'm. I'm reading atomic habits again for the 50th time. Such a good book, and we were listening to it on the way home from an adventure we took yesterday. And what was I going to say about this? I'm gonna say necessity maybe no, what were you talking about before that?

Speaker 2

oh yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2

So in the opening his story he talks about how his blog, his mailing list.

Speaker 2

So he used to do a article every tuesday and thursday back in 2012 or 2013 on habits, and he grew his mailing list to 100 and then a thousand and then and it did really, really well and he said I like to think of myself as someone who my readers come on the journey with me.

Speaker 2

I I never really considered myself an expert in habits, I was just super curious and then I eventually became an expert in habits and I had a moment right here, right now, when you were talking about your chair for some reason, where I thought to myself the reason we like talking about the chair is because, in a way, we're kind of taking the listeners on a journey with us. It's not us talking down to you and this is how we should. We think you should live. At least, I hope it doesn't come off that way, although I'm sure it does at times for me but honestly I want it to feel like You're on this train with us, this self-improvement, holistic, self-improvement train, and therefore the chair is kind of a funny Part of the journey that we didn't expect.

Speaker 1

It's kind of a character, the chair has become a character in this podcast show. It's become a pivotal character in the plot Charlie the chair, yeah, charlie the chair, out here.

Speaker 2

But that behind the scenes stuff, I don't think. I think that's where a lot of the value is, because you feel like you're a part of the journey, because self-improvement is boring and lonely, yes, and hopefully it feels less boring and less lonely well, I agree, I think I'm just insecure because it's my chair.

Speaker 1

If it was your chair, I don't think I'd care, probably. Well, it's not, it's not. Yeah, we have different chairs, different men with different chairs, different goals and different dreams, different Different fears, and Okay, so why are we doing this episode? Alan and I were talking behind the scenes and we were talking about relationship talks and all Alan and Emilia have learned in relationship talks and how sometimes relationships just aren't going to work. I think there's probably a lot of people when I go on podcast they ask all the time what's it like to have a business partner and how? How are you guys, do you work well together? And I was like we work really well together. Why, and? And we just there's a lot of really cool conversations that come out of that but there were probably uh mostly me, I don't know.

Speaker 1

A lot of times people will ask and it's just like honestly, I've masterminded this whole thing, Just I'm a chess master Similar core values, similar core beliefs, similar core aspirations and Similar core wound. Similar core wound and Alan has been mentoring me and coaching me since the beginning and I try to respect that.

Speaker 2

Just again, in the effort of bringing the listeners on a journey with us, and I said this to you one time I said if you had come from success, this would never have worked, because you and I both came from very challenging beginnings All things considered. And I think the core wound of not having a father, I mean that's really been something. That's because people ask well, how did it work? I didn't. I don't even think we realized that until four years in or something. I mean, we obviously knew but we didn't know how much of a glue that was. But anyways, back to the relationship thing.

Speaker 1

Well, honestly, honestly, I think the answer is probably very appropriate for what we're talking about today. The closer, the closer you and I have gotten to one another, the more we have allowed and motivated the person to be more of themselves I just had a huge breakthrough, this episode prior to you and I sitting on the mics recording it.

Speaker 2

We talked about how relationships where you can't be your true self probably aren't going to work, particularly intimate relationships, but business partnerships too. Right. Because here's the thing let's say Kev and I hypothetically Kev was like you know what? I don't really want to work, ethic, I don't really want to work. Okay, that's fine for you, but I can't be your business partner now.

Speaker 2

And so people always say, well, let people be them, it's, I'm with you, I am, I'm with you. I want everyone to be their true self, their best self. Here's the thing if we're gonna work super closely as business partners, there better be some alignment in terms of core values and work ethic and dreams and goals and all that kind of stuff. And so I had a breakthrough, which is I had a relationship talks, coaching, client email and I were doing two on two sessions with these people and they eventually decided that they want to part ways and we believe that that's probably what's best and it seems like very amicable. And I coach the man and she coaches the female.

Speaker 2

And I said in hindsight what is obvious to you, and one of the things he said is we're just completely different and I couldn't really be my full true self.

Relationships as a space for self-growth and support

Speaker 2

Not because she isn't amazing, she's a wonderful mother, she's a wonderful person but because she's very low energy and I'm very high energy and so Kevin and I are business partners. I'm higher energy than he is, higher intensity, and when we travel together that's clear, and so we can be business partners. But we can't necessarily live together Right, and maybe we could, but it would be harder. So the point of this episode was you can't really make a relationship work long term. I guess a better quote would be the relationship will work long term to the extent that you can be all of your true self. But I would reframe that to the extent that you are encouraged and supported to be your best self. Because you just you and I just had a heart-to-heart behind the scenes about being on time and I talked about self-doubt and how much I struggle with being on time and how most things come fairly easy for me.

Speaker 2

But this is like ridiculously hard and one of the reasons is obviously doing you know, 10 back-to-backs in a day doesn't help, but ultimately you're not used to seeing me in self-doubt no, okay, since you're my business partner, it's a core value being on time for you, and it's not as much for me, but I have to come up. I have to get better. That was ultimately what we said, and this has been an uphill journey, but the trend lines up. My whole point, though, is if you help me become a better version of myself and that's actually what I want it's not just that I can be my true self. It's I can actually not only be my true self, but I actually become a better version of myself. I think a great relationship, instead of just a good one, is someone who helps you become the best version of yourself.

Speaker 1

I think that's very well said, and one of the reasons I want to help you be more on time is not just for me. A lot of it is for you, because I think that's what I think eventually you're going to want that more than more than you do now anyway, especially when you, when you have kids and you have a family I mean Jesus, I almost just did it, I almost just lost it when you do have a family and you have children, you being on time is going to be more important than it is today in different ways.

Kevin and Alan's personal stories of misalignment in past relationships

Speaker 2

Well, it has to be something that is in alignment with what's best for me. But so the thesis for this episode prior to us recording it was you can't really be and I was thinking about an ex of mine, so there's an ex of mine. I'll keep it anonymous that I just there's no way I couldn't. They weren't super goal oriented. They were extremely experience driven, not results driven. They were Didn't really have big goals and dreams and admitted that they didn't really. They valued quality time, 10 out of 10, over everything else. They didn't really understand what you and I were doing or why we were doing it, and in hindsight they're just not intense at all. There's no super achiever, there's no intensity, there's no focus. It's very much hangout type of energy and for me it's.

Speaker 1

What did you feel? What did you? Because, in my mind, I'm thinking okay, how does somebody watching or listening know Maybe they've never been able to be themselves? How do they know? Yeah, are you dialing back? Did you consciously know that you're dialing back?

Speaker 2

Yeah, I think I became more and more aware. I think that's what this whole growth journey has been for me, kev is. I learned more and more and more about who I really am and I realized more and more and more how much I'm actually dialing back. Yeah, and the more and more I realized that, the less I I want to do that anymore. We call it the truth dial. Emilia came up with something called the truth dial and she said well, and I pulled this up in a meeting with this man who just ended this relationship, I said zero to 10.

Speaker 2

In hindsight, where, where was your truth dial? And it's this little asset. It's got a picture of a thermostat and it's got a red, yellow and green and it's zero to 10. The bottom, bottom is zero, and then it goes all the way to ten and ten is fully green, zero is fully red. I said where were you? And he said, uh, probably like in the beginning of the yellow. I said where are you now? He's like dude 10 out of 10, super green, and you can tell, I can see him in his energy. I've known this guy for probably Eight months a year now. He's fully dialed up. Now is he about to eat humble pie, maybe.

Speaker 2

Whenever we're fully dialed up, usually we end up, you know, screwing some stuff up, relationships included, but ultimately he's very much in alignment with. He's like I'm I have adhd, I'm high energy, I want to go do stuff all the time, and his partner was someone who was much lower energy and who didn't really want to do a lot of that stuff. That's all fine. The problem is you guys. The compatibility is very low. Yeah, and do you, do you want? Yeah, you could make it work. Do you want to make it work?

Speaker 2

And so, to answer your original question, in hindsight it's obvious that was never going to work. But I also had never been with an emilia. Emilia is a level 10 super achiever who's always dialed in, always grinding, always intense, always fulfilled. She wakes up in the morning like the most happy person on earth, who's ready to get after the day and and dancing. And I. I think that would be exhausting for a lot of people. For me, I also am very intense and very dialed in. I very rarely am not having a deep conversation about goals and dreams, so that would be exhausting for a lot of people too, and I'm sure it was exhausting for this ex, and so ultimately, I think, how compatible are you and your partner? And if you don't know the answer to that question, I think the only wrong answer is to stop kind of asking it.

Speaker 1

That's why you asked me in I think you asked me in yesterday's episode about that relationship I was in earlier in life and I couldn't figure out the difference between aspiring to evolve and abandoning what I actually valued. I wanted to think I was the fun guy who goes out and center of attention. I don't think that's ever what I want to be. I can be that when I'm drinking, but I don't want that. That's always been a thing for me, or I guess not always. That's a new thing for me. If I am really good at it when I'm drinking, it probably means I'm not really good at it on my day to day life.

Speaker 1

it doesn't really seems to work that way but, I remember having that thought of are we going to be able to do this? Are we compatible? And then I would think to myself well, I'll just do more of this and more of this, and more of this and more of this, when that wasn't naturally who I was.

Next Level Dreamliner: the planner, agenda, journal, and habit tracker to rule them all. Get a copy:

Speaker 2

Yeah, can you sustain that? Hello, hello, hello, nlu listener. Thank you, as always, for listening to Next Level University. Real quick. I just want to jump in and let you know about the Next Level Dreamliner. This is a journal that I use every single day. Achieve your dreams 90 days at a time. It breaks down your dreams into goals, milestones and daily habits. We hope you enjoy it. The link will be in the show notes. What's your thought on this? And again, this is a philosophical discussion, because it's not like we know who should and shouldn't be together that's not what we're saying and shouldn't be together. It's not. That's not what we're saying. It's a lot of that'd be a lot of pressure in hindsight with that relationship you're referring to anonymously. She was high energy, wanted to go out. Tell me about what was incompatible in hindsight. What's obviously incompatible in hindsight.

Speaker 1

Had a ton of friends, loved the city, loved walking around doing stuff, loved being out, loved fun, unique experiences. That all the opposite of me.

Speaker 2

Yeah, the opposite of me I didn't like any of that I lived in.

Speaker 1

I lived in just outside of boston for almost my brain, my brain went oh, so you were fucked. Yeah, pretty much yeah but I in my mind my mind, because maybe there is a delta between where I am.

Speaker 2

She definitely would have played Topgolf at Podcast Movement. Definitely yeah, definitely yeah, for sure.

Speaker 1

She probably wouldn't have been at the Airbnb crying into a burrito that had Brussels sprouts that were really good Some good stuff. Turn me back on to brussels sprouts. There is there. At the time, I think there was a delta between as as open as I was and as open as I wanted to be. I think I aspire to grow in that direction, but not to the place where I would have had to grow to.

Speaker 2

I remember I had a friend of mine. I was in my mid-20s and I was in a relationship. I lived with her and it was actually a really good relationship. Of all my relationships I've ever had, this was the next best, although with Emilia it's the most compatible, most incredible, and in comparison it's not even comparable, but ultimately, statistically speaking, it was a very good relationship. Yeah, and I remember we were driving home from a New Year's Eve party late 4 am probably. This is mid-20s, early 20s.

Speaker 1

That's early.

Speaker 2

Yeah, yeah, yeah, not late, that's early, early next day. Yeah, that's early and we were talking deep, talks, me and this friend of mine Dreams, goals, contemplation, philosophy, this kind of stuff, deep, hard to hurt, right. And he talked to me the next day. We had a mastermind going. He said dude, I'm a little concerned. I said what do you mean?

Speaker 2

He said I could tell that she was annoyed that you like to talk and I had this moment and he said I just, you love to talk goals and dreams, you love to talk, you love to philosophize, you love to contemplate, you love deep conversations. But she doesn't really like them that much. And I was like, oh, that must be so annoying for her. Then think about it, right? I mean, I playfully joked in book club. We, we had a thanksgiving, we hosted it here and the the family was talking about the thanksgiving parade and they said something about did you guys see share's hair? And I just disassociated completely. It's like I cannot even pretend to care about Cher's hair. And I realized in that moment, even in book club, I was like I wonder if some people actually like talking about stuff like that.

Speaker 1

Yes.

Speaker 2

I've never been okay, like I can't. Even so when you're around me, kev, there's like no fly zones of things not to talk about because I just can't.

Speaker 1

Well, most of them I don't really like either yeah, I like more stuff than you do, for sure, but not, I think, probably less than than average yeah, so share's hair, you'd probably yeah yeah, no, I don't, I don't know. No, no, yeah and again.

Speaker 2

the point of that is this is before I even knew the conscious love language, we didn't even have the 25 conscious love languages because I hadn't even met Emilia yet. This is five years. Before that, I was in my mid-20s and deep conversations is a core value at the absolute epicenter of who I am, and people who don't like deep conversations, like my partner that is a big, a big mismatch and for anyone who wants it, by the way, there's a pdf. There'll be a pdf in the show notes the 25 conscious love languages. Of all the work we've done in the last four years at the we the conscious couples, the relationship talks, coaching this has been the most valuable.

Speaker 2

There's 25 conscious love languages and there's two columns. The first column is zero to 10. How important is this thing to you? Deep conversations, health and fitness, they're all on there. And then the other partner, zero to 10. I just had one of my clients do this and I said what are the mismatches, what are the big deltas? If you have a level 10 for deep conversations and your partner has a level two, you most likely have, and if you have a bunch of those mismatches, you're definitely going to have a really hard time coexisting and building a life together, and that's just the hard truth that I know I wish I had faced earlier.

Speaker 1

Well, that goes to the love will not conquer all. Love does not conquer all. You can love somebody and they're not right for you, they're not good for you. A lot of stuff that we love as humans that's not good for us, unfortunately. There's a lot of stuff that we do not love and we do not aspire to love. That is really good for us. Reading is terrible and it sucks and I hate it and I don't love it, but it's good for me. We talked about tequila earlier. We did talk about tequila. Yeah, we were talking about the Rock and all of his brands and his tardiness, because he's always late. We were talking about that.

Speaker 2

Did you know yeah, go ahead.

Speaker 1

Real quick. Did I mention this on the podcast before I read this somewhere? Again, I'm not 100% certain. It's a fact but I'm like 99 certain it's a fact that certain actors in their contracts have a a no-lose clause where they're not legally able. You cannot write in the script that they lose a fight. In one of the movies that the rock is in, the rock fought jason statham and they both have the same clause, so in the fight scene they both landed the same exact amount of punches. So nobody won the fight, just want to throw that out there.

Speaker 2

That's got to be one of the dumbest things I've ever heard. It's a little strange for me. I know you're protecting the brand.

Speaker 1

But come on, guys, we're not children anymore, come on.

Speaker 2

That's got to be one of the dumbest things I've ever heard, and I'm not even gonna. There's a part of me that doesn't want to say that out loud, but I want to be my true self. I think that's one of the dumbest things I've ever heard now uh.

Speaker 2

I want to make this very clear because I've I quit drinking five years ago, really more than that, but I struggled, so I officially quit uh back in 2019. I want to say I should. I used to know the date j July 9th I think, or something like that Doesn't matter. The point is I don't drink tequila, but Kevin and I were talking about speaking of things that you love. Love conquers all. I was talking to Kev. Quick synopsis I loved tequila. I loved it. Just because I love it doesn't mean it's what's best for me, and that's why I think the thesis of this episode is I don't drink.

Speaker 2

Is your partner what's best for you? That? If you can't say hell yes to that question, is Alan being my business partner what's best for me? If you can't say hell yes to that, then that is your answer, and if I can't say the same, that's my answer. Is Emilia what's best for me? It's not even a question. It's not even a question. Yes, absolutely. If I had asked myself that question In my mid-20s or my my last relationship, it would have been hell, no, absolutely not. Regardless of her and her values and her dreams or lack thereof, whatever. This is not me beating her up. This is, metaphorically this is me realizing that is a terrible idea. She is not what's best for me, she's not aligned with the best version of Alan, and that's okay, and I'm definitely not what's best for her.

Speaker 1

Although, because it's much easier to try to fit a puzzle piece into a spot that it doesn't fit than go find another puzzle piece. Learn all about the puzzle piece. Introduce your stuff to that puzzle. It makes total sense. Of course we try to fit things in all the time Because I'm convinced a lot of us would rather be misaligned than alone, Understandably so. Been there most of my life, Same. Most of my life I've been there.

Speaker 1

But if the purpose in life, if one of the purposes in life and if one of the purposes in growth is to be the most you, to be the most authentic, aligned, fulfilled version of yourself, it is going to require you being you. And it's going to be really hard to be you in a misaligned relationship. And I think oftentimes we hear misaligned and we assume, oh, the person is misaligning you. No, maybe their values are different than yours and you want to keep rapport and you want to keep love. So you do things that you shouldn't necessarily do. I know in back in the day, in older relationships, it was really hard for me to spend time with friends because there was always this subconscious pull of I don't want you to leave. I'd rather you spend more time with me, not with your friends, and then eventually that just becomes a behavior and that becomes a whole thing. I've been there a couple times, unfortunately.

Speaker 2

This person who ended the relationship. He said, oh no, she's an amazing person One of the best people I've ever met.

Speaker 2

She's an amazing person, one of the best people I've ever met. She's an amazing mother. She's kind, she's honest, because I, we, went through his, all his relationships and looked at bright spots and dark spots, things that were compatible, things that weren't. Essentially and it has nothing to do with the fact that she's not wonderful it has to do with the fact that it's not aligned with his best version of himself.

Speaker 2

And if we had asked the right questions, I'm telling you we would have made better choices, and not just we, but the metaphorical we, all of us, the collective way. So I certainly didn't. I didn't want, I didn't ask those questions. I wasn't asking hey, is this person what is ultimately aligned with the best, highest value, most virtuous version of Alan? Is this relationship helping me grow to my maximum potential? That's a question I really wish I had asked, because maximizing my potential is my number one focus in life and if I had asked that question, I would have gotten an answer I didn't like and then I would have had to take a courageous moment and break something off that I did love or someone that I did love. And yeah, that's the hardest thing ever. Sometimes you don't ask the question because you're afraid of the answer, because you know once you answer it you're gonna have to take the next move and that's gonna be painful. You can't put it back in the box.

Speaker 1

You can't put the answer back in the box, baby.

Speaker 2

You could try. Yeah, you could try, and that's where tequila comes in. Well, you can. Here's the thing you can put the answer back in the box, but I think you can always hear the whisper yeah, and then it's like one of those jack-in-the-box where eventually it pops out at you in the middle of the night, when you least want it, when you least want it.

Speaker 1

All right. Next level nation. As you have heard, october 8th, 5 pm, eastern Standard Time, is the next round of group coaching. We talk a lot about relationships, we talk a lot about fulfillment, we talk about finances, obviously. We talk a lot about tracking habits and we help you reverse, engineer what habits you need in order to accomplish the goals that you are setting for the 90 days we have together. We talk a lot about health, fitness, all the stuff. So if you are interested, we'll have the link in the show notes below. It is 96, with the discount code nlu listener which you can enter at the checkout, and it'll be the best 90 days of growth ever. Hopefully. That is the goal. That is what we aspire to.

Speaker 1

I'm there, alan is there and Amy, our amazing assistant coach and just pillar of the community, is also there. So I'll have the link in the show notes. I do podcast coaching, free podcast breakthrough sessions for anybody who's interested. I actually had a wonderful call with somebody from the community Shout out to Scarlett today, heard about it on the podcast, booked a call and we chatted and it was wonderful. Alan is doing calls for his. He'll do free calls for coaching as well. See if you're a fit Worst case.

Outro

Speaker 1

Hopefully, alan will add some value into your life. And it's always interesting when we get to meet community members because it feels like you know us, because you kind of do, because you hear us every single day, and you know us because you kind of do, because you hear us every single day, and it's always fun for us to to get to see the other side of that. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you. In an NLU, we don't have fans. We have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow. Please reach out.

Speaker 2

Thanks for joining us for another episode of next level university. We love connecting with the Next Level family. We mean it when we say family. If you ever need anything, please reach out to us directly. Everything you need to get a hold of us is in the show notes.

Speaker 1

Thank you again and we will talk to you tomorrow.