#1821 - What Is A “Good Friend”?

Have you ever wondered what truly makes a friendship meaningful? In this episode, Kevin and Alan share personal stories about friendship, mutual understanding, and what makes a relationship work. They talk about the importance of accepting others’ choices and the emotional maturity it takes to maintain meaningful connections. Listen now to reflect on your friendships and discover how aligned values can make a lasting impact.

Link mentioned:
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Show notes:
(2:05) Kevin reflects on visiting his best friend, Matt
(3:17) Kevin talks about being asked to be Matt’s best man
(5:21) Discuss on feeling seen, understood, and valued in friendships
(6:55) What makes a good friend? Kevin and Alan share their thoughts
(13:10) At NLU, we want you to win! So, we’re giving tools and resources to ensure your success. Join our Monthly Meet-up every first Thursday of the month at 5 PM. 

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

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Transcript

Speaker 1 0:00

you and I's friendship will always be easier for us than you and that other person's friendship, because we value things more closely. I don't care if you come to anything it doesn't bother me. I could care less. Don't care, doesn't bother me, and you don't care. If I come to anything either, don't care. That's because that's an aligned value, that we both have a shared value.

Speaker 2 0:21

I'm only looking for the people who are looking for me. In business, that's a way to go out of business. But in life, I think that we all kind of know if you don't have any desire whatsoever to reach your potential, you're not going to like me, because that's who I am and what I am.

Speaker 1 0:38

Welcome to Next Level University. I'm your host, kevin Palmieri, and I'm your co-host, alan Lazarus. At NLU, we believe in a heart-driven but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers.

Speaker 2 0:52

Our goal with every episode is to help you level up your life love health and wealth.

Speaker 1 0:58

We bring you a new episode every single day, on topics like confidence, self-belief, self-worth, self-awareness, relationships, boundaries, consistency, habits and defining your own unique version of success.

Speaker 2 1:14

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Speaker 1 1:21

Welcome to Next Level University completely free. Welcome to Next Level University, Next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level.

Kevin reflects on visiting his best friend, Matt

Speaker 1 1:33

University, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. Today, for episode number 1,821, what is a good friend? I went to see Matt, my best friend. I can have two best friends Alan's a best friend and Matt's a best friend friend, I can have two best friends alan's a best friend and matt's a best friend. So I have two best friends. Sue me if it's not legal, whatever it is what it is. And we had a blast. We got dominoes and played a little call of duty which was never, never, never, lower cow.

Speaker 1 2:05

I told him. I said we're gonna do whatever. I'm not, I don't care, no, we're gonna party. We're gonna party tonight. I only see you once every couple months, once every three months. I'm okay with eating a little bit extra.

Speaker 2 2:17

You're not a fan of bone-in chicken wings never, bomb, never dominoes.

Speaker 1 2:22

Knows what they're doing I would never get bone-in chicken wings from a dominoes. They were good. I am offended. Never, never, I'm telling you pretty good? No, because I one time I got the chicken bites and I caught a vein. You ever catch a vein?

Speaker 2 2:41

no, no yeah, yeah, yeah, not. It's par for the course that there's pros and cons with everything.

Kevin talks about being asked to be Matt’s best man

Speaker 1 2:45

We should do an episode on that that's why I avoid the pros, because I'm not down with the cons, son, oh nice. So Matt asked me. Matthew asked me to be his best man because he's engaged and he's getting married next August. And I was super grateful and I felt a lot of pride and yeah, I said I would be honored, I'd be honored to be your best man. And I said what, what's off limits? What do you want to do? What do you not want to do for the bachelor party? What do you want to do? And he said I'd love to go golfing. And I was like, oh shit, and that's, this is gonna be, that's gonna be bad for me and all everybody else plays golf.

Speaker 1 3:17

I don't. This is gonna be terrible.

Speaker 2 3:18

You're gonna rent a little like colored putter, I don't know what mini golfing. Here go mini golf.

Speaker 1 3:23

I was gonna set it up figure something out and at one point he said but I already told a couple of the other guys that he you'll probably lean on them more than the normal quote-unquote best man would, because I know how busy you are and I know you'll burn to the ground if you're trying to do everything and put that together. And I told alan that. I said I think that would make for a really good episode because I don't know if we did an episode on this, but we asked it in group coaching, amy asked it in next level nation what's?

Speaker 2 3:53

the question do we do? What's the question? What does it mean to be a friend to you? No, no, no. What's the question.

Speaker 1 3:58

You wish you were asked more. No, we didn't do an episode on that yet. I think that's kind of hand in hand with this. What'd you say? I don't know, I don't remember. That's always a hard one for me. I don't know. The answer to that Depends on the day. Would you like me to do all of your work so you can stay in bed? Yes, yes, please.

Speaker 2 4:23

You know, would you like a small business?

Speaker 1 4:25

loan of $25 million.

Speaker 2 4:28

With zero interest.

Discuss on feeling seen, understood, and valued in friendships.

Speaker 1 4:30

Yes, and you don't even have to ever give it back, we'll just give it straight to you. So I told Alan that and he said well, how did that make you feel? And I said I felt. Well, he, he, alan, guessed. He said seen, feel, felt, heard. And I said yeah, for sure, for sure. I appreciate the fact that that must have gone into his preparation. When he was thinking about it, he was thinking of me as much as he was thinking of himself, and that means a lot. And he got me a whiskey and we had a couple glasses of whiskey together and that was wonderful. It was a great bonding moment. I feel like an adult man. I felt like one of those real moments, you know, yeah, and it was very strange, but that felt really aligned, it felt like I was really valued. So let me get this straight what?

Speaker 2 5:21

Let me get this straight real quick yeah, yeah. You're hanging out with Matt, who you've known since you were.

Speaker 1 5:30

Oh, 12?. Yeah, probably Long time.

Speaker 2 5:34

You're eating pizza, drinking whiskey Definitely Playing Call of Duty, of course and you feel like a real man.

Speaker 1 5:41

Well, that's not how it happened.

Speaker 2 5:43

It started with I'm kidding.

Speaker 1 5:47

We hung out for a bit. Yeah, then we. Then he asked me then we had whiskey yeah then I'm gonna just no, no, because that is still a real man moment, even though it's that was the real man moment for me yeah it was very yeah, it was very surreal.

Speaker 1 6:05

I didn't have a best man because I didn't have a wedding we eloped, so for me it was different, so I didn't have to ask anybody and obviously you wouldn't be able to choose. I mean, well, it'd be so hard, you probably wouldn't even come. You know it's like what day is it?

Speaker 2 6:17

I'm literally kidding. I think it probably should have been matt I would have two best men.

Speaker 1 6:21

That's's what I would do by definition. I don't live by definitions, son. It's my wedding, I can do whatever I want. I'd have three. I would have best men and then best cats. I'd have you, Matt Fudge and Ace in little cat tuxedos.

What makes a good friend? Kevin and Alan share their thoughts

Speaker 2 6:37

We got ice cream from an ice cream truck and played can jam, so that was awesome that's not real man stuff, that's real kid stuff right there oh, that was at your uh wedding party, big kids yeah big kids.

Speaker 1 6:55

it's fun. But that's kind of the thought for this episode is what? What is a good friend? What is a good friend to you? Have you identified it to you? Have you identified it? Do you allow more misalignment now than ever because it's harder to find friends? I know as you get older it's probably harder. I don't necessarily that's going to sound super arrogant, I don't really care because I'm not really looking for more friends. I'm a very keep your circle tight, quality over quantity. I'm not really looking for more friends, but I can imagine as you get older it becomes more and more and more and more challenging to find friends and it probably feels necessary to have less and less and less and less standards. When the pool of humans is getting smaller, it's really hard to keep your standards high.

Speaker 2 7:47

I think when your standards increase, the pool gets smaller.

Speaker 1 7:51

Well, but let's just say if you're 30 and then you're 31, then you're 32, then you're 34, then you're 35,. A lot of other people already have their core group of friends.

Speaker 2 8:04

Yeah, but I think a lot of people change friend groups a lot as they grow is you have data backing this up?

Speaker 1 8:13

or is this just yeah, coming from the kid who never leaves the house, I have hey, I was at a lake this weekend.

Speaker 2 8:20

I didn't want to hear it for some reason. Google today is a marshmallow with chocolate. It's a s'more.

Speaker 1 8:27

I have no idea why, probably National S'mores Day.

Speaker 2 8:30

That would make sense. No, I don't have any data. We have a framework. Try to belonging, feeling seen, understood, valued. That's what I think Matt did. Is he made you feel seen, understood and valued, because if he hadn't thought about how challenging your life is in terms of the business side, you probably would have been honored but also felt a little unseen.

Speaker 2 8:57

I've been asked to be the best man a few times, and one of them in particular, it was across the country. It was in California. It was a four-day endeavor during the week and I sent a long audio saying I really appreciate it and I'm honored, but it was like a nine-minute audio. But I just can't do that right now. Kevin and I are in it, we're in it every day and that's not aligned, unfortunately, and he hasn't spoken to me since and I don't know if he ever will again and honestly, I don't. I'm beyond a place in my life where I'm going to try to go make something work that might not need to work or maybe shouldn't work or isn't aligned or whatever. I'm not. This is scary to share, but I'm not here for that. I'm here to maximize my potential, to reach my potential and to help others do the same and everything in alignment with that is what I'm here for and that's I've just gotten very clear.

Speaker 2 9:51

I was on with someone on Friday who was asking me and this goes back to that question in Next Level Nation what question do you wish you were asked more? Mine was how are you actually doing that? But anyways, so he asked me those questions how are you? I don't understand why. Because I showed him the mountain, the desktop background, all that I don't want to make this about me. Because I showed him the mountain, the desktop background, all that I don't want to make this about me. I felt seen, understood and valued, though, because he actually wanted to know how he's a new podcaster. Why, why did you guys do you went nine years without taking a vacation, like I don't understand. And I said, well, we've gone on trips and stuff. We just I've. I've gone nine years without, without taking a day off. And he said, well, why, why would you ever do that? And I he actually wanted to know he wasn't attacking me. Usually people like why, why? And it's listen, I'm not here for vacation, that's not why I'm here.

Speaker 2 10:59

Now and I also made it clear. Sometimes it's two hours, sometimes it's five hours, sometimes it's 12 hours, but it's never a full day where I'm not contributing to the business or the mission in some way. Anyways, fast forward. That conversation made me feel seen, understood, valued so much, and I think that the lesson that I can bring to anyone watching or listening to this, at least something that I've come to is in some ways, I've almost given up on being seen, understood and valued. In some ways, I've almost given up on being seen, understood and valued Because, in a way, I don't know if Everyone think about and this is unique to each of us, so everyone think about something about you that feels unseen, undervalued, underappreciated, misunderstood, something you feel misunderstood in.

Speaker 2 11:56

It's most likely just the most unique parts about you. It's the statistical anomalies, it's the things that are on the fringes. You can spend the rest of your life trying to be seen, understood and valued for those unique parts of you, to be seen, understood and valued for those unique parts of you. But it's a losing game, except for with a select group of people, like a Matt in your life.

Speaker 1 12:22

Who is also an entrepreneur.

Speaker 2 12:25

Exactly, kevin, when you said you were having your after party or wedding party, I don't remember what you called it.

Speaker 1 12:36

I think it was called a happily ever after. Yeah, happily ever after party or wedding party, I don't remember what you called it. I think it was called a happily ever after.

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Speaker 2 12:39

Yeah, happily ever after party and you said it was at a winery and you told Taryn, I might not even go, that made me feel really seen, understood and valued. I did go, but the fact that you would have been okay if I didn't, that means you understand me and most people could never understand that. They could not possibly understand that because they value that so much. And if you don't come to mind I, that is totally fine well, you know, yeah nlu listener what is happening?

Speaker 2 13:12

I just wanted to jump in here and let you know if you want to get to the next level faster. We have a free virtual monthly meetup at the first thursday of every month. You can connect with like-minded people and become a bigger part of this amazing global community. The link to register will be in the show notes. That's the irony, though, isn't it? It's you wouldn't want to miss it me. That's what it. It's not about me.

Speaker 1 13:36

That's what it is. It's not about me. It's not. Yeah, it's as much about you as it is about me. I don't want you to come if it's not aligned, I'd rather you not come. Yeah, that's a unique thing we have.

Speaker 2 13:54

But you are like that too. I don't want anyone to come unless they really want to come Same Same. That's not normal, I don't think.

Speaker 1 14:03

I don't. Well, this is the thing, and this is what makes it super hard there is, there is a part of me that understands why that friend of yours is upset. Yeah, of course, right. That's not my, that's not my view, I wouldn't be, but I understand why he is. For sure, agreed, I can understand.

Speaker 2 14:25

I think that's one of the reasons Go ahead.

Realization of freedom and emotional maturity in relationships

Speaker 1 14:27

I was just going to say there's a part of me that wanted to say at some point you've got to get over it. But no, not necessarily Not. If that's something you value, a 10 out of 10.

Speaker 2 14:37

It's understandable if you wouldn't at this point, and I think that's one of the ways that I've been able to let go of. I'm trying really hard to stop to opt out of games that are unwinnable, particularly games that are unwinnable for you being at all. My friends. Weddings for me is not aligned, and I know for a lot of people they, they want, they want to be there. That's what they want to do with their life and that's okay. I'm not making that wrong. So but the the sort of reframe for everyone out there is what? What are the unwinnable games you're playing? Because you told me this early on when I had high school friends and college friends and corporate friends and you said there's no way, alan, you're not even going to be, you're not going to be able to see that like hang out with that person in the future. Not, not on the trajectory we're on. You have other priorities. You said it in other ways, but it's so obvious now.

Speaker 2 15:35

I think I was delusional in thinking that I yeah, I was delusional in the amount of time and effort this would take. I was also delusional in my ability to be good at many things. That's one thing that I'm maturing a lot in. I don't. It's really, really delusional to think you're going to be a great best friend, a great acquaintance, a great colleague, a great husband, a great podcaster, a great trainer league, a great husband, a great podcaster, a great trainer, a great speaker, a great business owner, a great parent, a great. That's mathematically impossible. You could be good at all of them, but you can't be great at any any 10 of them. You're only going to be. That's like being a professional baseball player who also is in the NBA, who also wins an Olympic gold medal, who also swims on the side semi-professionally. It's not ever going to be a thing that's important.

Speaker 2 16:29

And so you kind of called me out way back then and called me out for how delusional that was to think that I'm going to be able to allocate all that time to all those different people, and in hindsight I really wish that I had been more discerning. But to bring this back to the try to belonging where do you feel the most seen? Where do you feel the most understood? Where do you feel the most valued? Those are the rooms you're going to want to be in. However, you can't let that stop you from getting outside your comfort zone, because the cop out there is well if I don't feel seen, understood and valued, I'm not even going to do this, like only the rooms that are ready for me as a speaker. I'm only looking for the people who are looking for me in business that's a way to go out of business.

Speaker 2 17:09

But in life, I think that we all kind of know, if you don't have any desire whatsoever to reach your potential, you're not going to like me, because that's who I am and what I am. And so what is that for you? And most likely, the people in your inner circle are the people who are the closest to your thing. All the people closest to me are the people who want to reach their potential.

Speaker 1 17:39

Well, I'm willing to bet the relationships that work the best in terms of that work, the best in terms of not not work the best, meaning they last the longest. They work the best, meaning both parties in the relationship are actually fulfilled, aligned, excited. With the relationship there's less sacrifice. I'll put it that Is, the relationships that have similar core values and core beliefs and core aspirations, and the ones that are harder In theory. You and I's friendship will always be easier for us than you and that other person's friendship, because we value things more closely. I don't care if you come to anything, it doesn't bother me. I could care less, don't care, it doesn't bother me. I don't care if you come to anything, it doesn't bother me. I could care less. Don't care, it doesn't bother me. And you don't care if I come to anything either, don't care. That's because that's an aligned value that we both have a shared value.

Speaker 2 18:33

I do have to say this, and I hope that this is a lesson that can illuminate for all of us, myself included. It's not that I don't care, it's that I'm not egocentric enough to think that you should come to my thing.

Speaker 1 18:48

The world is a big place.

Speaker 2 18:50

No, no, I really want to say this the world is a big place. You can't live your life in a way where you have you believe that other people should put you at the center of it. That's it's a very egocentric way to live, and I know that a lot of people are that way, so I'm scared to share this, but ultimately that is a very immature way to live. Like expecting everyone else to reorient their life around your wedding is very egocentric. It's very me, me, me. And so it's not that I don't want you there. It's that I understand that you have a life outside of Alan Lazarus and I think that that's a very mature way to live. And the scary part of that is, I think that anyone who is immature is going to hear that and villainize me potentially, when in reality, the truth of the matter is people have bigger problems and things going on, and I know that it seems like they don't care about you if they're not there for you, but the truth that's not true.

Speaker 2 19:59

I agree they might have goals and dreams and priorities that are, you don't really know what's going on in their life. You don't know how hard their life is. You don't know what their goals and dreams are. You don't know, I mean everyone. Picture a friend who's always there. This is going to be very, uh, scary for me. Picture a friend who's always there. There, you call them in the middle of the night. They're there. You call them anytime. They're there. You text them. They text you right back that person.

Speaker 2 20:30

Unfortunately, the truth underneath this, the hard truth, is they don't have large goals and dreams. They don't have to protect their time as much. They aren't like and again I want to use this you're not going to call up Oprah and say, hey, I have a week-long wedding next week. Can you make it? She's going to say I can't Because Oprah has hundreds of thousands of people who would love to have her at their wedding.

Speaker 2 20:58

When you become a high-value individual who is very sought after, you have to allocate your time accordingly, and it's very difficult to do that and I don't think people fully understand. Like if you didn't come to my wedding, it would not be taken personally. It doesn't mean I don't want you there. It means I get that you have really important work to do, really important things to do really important. There's other persons, places, things and ideas in Kevin's life that are more important, and that's okay, and I know that you'll be there and that's the irony, and I think that's the thing I really want to illuminate for everyone. When you stop caring so much, people actually want to be there.

Speaker 1 21:35

No, if it's within their core values, core beliefs, core aspirations. Yes, I would want to be there regardless. Because of you, it's not, but what I mean is because of who I've become. Yeah, but it's because you and I have similar core values. There are some people that if you don't go to theirs, they're not coming to yours, they're just not going to, regardless of whether you want them there or not, they're not coming yours, they're just not going to. Regardless of whether you want them there or not, they're not coming.

Speaker 2 22:09

You know what I mean, right.

Speaker 1 22:11

But for me? I don't. Yeah, I would want to come.

Speaker 2 22:20

Let's say you had your happily ever after party and people that you invited didn't want to come. Would that hurt you? No, okay, what is different about us? Because same I don't have, whatever that thing is one of my core values is freedom.

Speaker 1 22:37

You do what you want. Do what you want. Same I'll invite you. But an invitation does not you don't think any part of that is just emotional maturity, just realizing that other people have lives outside of kevin palmieri as someone who has had to had to slash desire to say no to a lot of things, I want to give other people the opportunity to do the same.

Speaker 2 22:55

So, yeah, maybe I think it's just very emotionally mature, genuinely, I'm sure it's, I'm sure it's a piece of it.

Speaker 1 23:01

I would rather somebody not come and be happy. I would rather somebody say no and be fulfilled and aligned than say yes and regret it. That's the way I am in business too. I would rather somebody not work with me than work with me and be regretful.

Speaker 2 23:15

Same that's such a unique thing. Yeah, well, I think it's a long term, I think a lot of that is just emotional maturity, because the truth is you say, well, you just don't value it. It's like, no, I do, I absolutely do, but not as much as you value choice. Yes, definitely not. Maybe, that's what it is. Freedom is such a core value for us.

Outro

Speaker 1 23:29

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I value, I don't want anyone doing anything in one minute. Group coaching starts October 8th, 5 pm Eastern Standard Time. We'll have the link in the show notes. Nlu listener will get you 30% off, as always. We love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you. And at NLU we don't have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow.

Speaker 2 23:53

Please reach out.

Speaker 1 24:14

Thanks. Thank you again and we will talk to you tomorrow.