Next Level University

#1831 - The Goal Of A Relationship Is Growth - Freestyle Friday

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Share episode

Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.

0:00 | 46:15

Have you ever wondered why some goals are more accessible than others? In this episode, Kevin and Alan explore the “Worth It Factor,” a crucial mindset for success. They share personal insights on self-belief, the fear of failure, and assessing if something is worth the effort can either drive or hinder your progress. Plus, learn about the importance of vulnerability, humility, and growth in relationships. Join us for a candid conversation that helps you grow in life, love, health, and wealth.

Links mentioned:
Next Level Group Coaching - https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/group-coaching/
Group 16 - The 1st call is on Tuesday, October 8, 2024, at 5 PM EST, and the group runs for 3 months. Discount Code for N.L. Group Coaching (30% off): NLULISTENER

Next Level Dreamliner: https://a.co/d/9fPpxEt

______________________

NLU is not just a podcast; it’s a gateway to a wealth of resources designed to help you achieve your goals and dreams. From our Next Level Dreamliner to our Group Coaching, we offer a variety of tools and communities to support your personal development journey.

For more information, please check out our website at the link below. 👇

Website 💻  http://www.nextleveluniverse.com

_______________________

Any of these communities or resources are FREE to join and consume
Next Level Nation - https://www.facebook.com/groups/459320958216700
Next Level 5 To Thrive (free course) - ​​https://bit.ly/3xffver
Next Level U Book Club - https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/next-level-book-club/
Next Level Monthly Meet-up:  https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/monthly-meetups/

_______________________

We love connecting with you guys! Reach out on Instagram, Facebook, or via email. We’re here to support you in your personal and professional development journey.

Instagram 📷
Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/neverquitkid/
Alan: https://www.instagram.com/alazaros88/

Facebook ✍
Alan: https://www.facebook.com/alan.lazaros
Kevin: https://www.facebook.com/kevin.palmieri.90/

Email 💬
Kevin@nextleveluniverse.com
Alan@nextleveluniverse.com

LinkedIn ✍
Kevin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kevin-palmieri-5b7736160/
Alan: https://www.linkedin.com/in/alanlazarosllc/

_______________________

Show notes:
(01:54) Fear of success and self-sabotage
(06:41) Vulnerability and amplifying strengths
(14:30) Understanding the worth it factor in marriage and life decisions
(25:28) Meet like-minded people and jumpstart your journey to achieving your dreams while optimizi

Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Speaker 1

yes, you have to believe it's possible, and possible for you. Yes, but I think after that it's easy to forget that if you don't think it'll be worth it in whatever means the most to you.

Speaker 2

For me, the three beliefs you must have to achieve anything is you must believe it's possible. You must believe it's possible for you and you must believe it'll be worth it. The first two, those are very dialed in.

Speaker 1

Welcome to Next Level University. I'm your host, Kevin Palmieri.

Speaker 2

And I'm your co-host, Alan Lazarus.

Speaker 1

At NLU, we believe in a heart-driven but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers.

Speaker 2

Our goal with every episode is to help you level up your life, love, health and wealth.

Speaker 1

We bring you a new episode every single day on topics like confidence, self-belief, self-worth, self-awareness, relationships, boundaries, consistency, habits and defining your own unique version of success.

Speaker 2

Self-improvement in your pocket, every day, from anywhere, completely free.

Fear of success and self-sabotage

Speaker 1

Welcome to Next Level University, next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. Today, for episode number 1,831, it is Freestyle Friday, which means we don't really know what we're going to talk about, because we're just going to freestyle it. I don't really have anything off the top of my head, alan. Usually I have kind of a thought of like maybe we haven't talked about this before. Let's talk about it In 60 seconds or less. What is the lesson that you have learned this week? Put you on the spot here. Alan didn't know I was going to do this.

Speaker 2

I didn't know I was going to do this, it's the one I've been saying, which is you're never going to amplify the pros of something, that you're afraid of the con, which is when people talk about self-sabotage. I that you're afraid of the con, which is when people talk about self-sabotage. I think that's what they're talking about. I think they amplify a strength or they go for something and they go for it, and then they get scared because the thing that comes with going for it, it's like wanting to be famous but not wanting to be villainized, and that's a metaphor. I'm not saying that I want to be famous, but that it's. You want to successful, but you also want to fit in.

Speaker 1

Well, isn't that just fear of success?

Speaker 2

Yes, like a symptom of fear of success.

Speaker 1

Yes.

Speaker 2

And I think the opposite is I'm out of my 60 seconds.

Speaker 1

No, no, you can go now. I'll give you an additional 30. You bought 30 with a good answer, real quick 30.

Speaker 2

You bought 30 with a good answer real quick. So the opposite would be I am afraid of this weakness and I don't want the cons that come with that weakness.

Speaker 1

I I knew we were going, I knew I was screwed on that one that's part of the reason I wanted you to do it, because I've done that on podcasts before, where I'm talking about one end of something and then I'm like and also, and then I start going down there and I say cancel that, I don't think that's real at all.

Speaker 2

I don't think that. Just let's just stick with the first. The second one Hold on.

Speaker 1

You're afraid to highlight the pros because you're also going to highlight the cons. So you'd be afraid to highlight the cons because you'd also be afraid to highlight the pros Can you give an example.

Speaker 2

Yeah, please, examples are so important. Here we go. Okay, I believe in myself a lot. Okay, think about that. Isn't that a good thing? You would think that's a good thing, yeah.

Speaker 1

No, no, hold on. You know who would think that's a good thing. No, no, hold on. You know who would think that's a good thing? Somebody who doesn't believe in themselves a lot. I, when I first heard that, it was like dude, how could you ever complain about having so much self-belief? Right, because it's hard to empathize with something that seems like the, the fix, that seems like the solution to all of your problems, like, oh well, you know what a shame it must be to be 6'2", blonde-haired and blue-eyed. Yeah, that must be terrible. As a 5'5" manlet who can't reach, I have to put my wife up on my shoulders to get something off the top shelf, son, you know.

Speaker 2

You know that's a perfect example, because you don't understand the cons that come with it. Right Now, if I had to choose between six foot two, blonde hair, blue eyed versus a five of five man lit, I would still choose my end. However, you really don't understand what comes with that, and that's think a great discussion, I do.

Speaker 1

So is there any truth to the opposite?

Speaker 2

Yeah, there's pros to you being a man for lack of a better phrasing, I'm so sorry. No, no, I used it.

Speaker 1

No, no, but is there? Would it be the opposite? So you don't want to highlight your cons? I think this is vulnerability in a nutshell. You don't want to highlight your cons think this is vulnerability in a nutshell.

Speaker 2

you don't want to highlight your cons, so you actually don't get any of the pros that come with that either yeah that's what I think courage is on the other end, agreed but courage for someone who is fearful of highlighting their weaknesses is they need to show their weaknesses so that they can learn from people who have the strength and progress For someone who's on the other end. They need to amplify their strengths and face the fear of the downside that comes inevitably with it. And so, for example, believing in yourself is a great thing. But if I go on social media right now and do a Facebook Live and say I believe in myself more than anyone I know, except for my beautiful girlfriend Emilia, what the downs? Okay, that I do believe that is true. I do believe in myself. I think more than anyone I know, except for Emilia.

Speaker 2

If I were to say that, what's the con that comes with that? There's a huge con, and here's, there's a bunch of cons. It's harder to have humility. It's easy to be overly optimistic. Most people mirror your beliefs, so you can't really tell if they do or don't believe in themselves. Most people are insecure around you. You're unrelatable, there's a bunch of so you cannot, you will never unconsciously amplify a great thing about you if you're fearful of the downside of it. And then what was the one for your side is, you won't ever show the downside of it.

Speaker 1

Yeah, you won't ever show the cons, so you'll never get the potential upside that comes with it. I think vulnerability you and I recently I was very vulnerable. I don't remember what we were talking about. It was something behind the scenes and I just said, hey, man, I don't remember what it was, I genuinely don't, or I would say it. I just don't remember what it was. If you remember, you can say it. I don't remember, but that thing that felt like such a con at the time brought us closer, which ended up being a pro, and I never would have got the upside if I wasn't willing to at least face the potential downside.

Speaker 2

I think it was something along the lines of you felt lost for something Probably. Yeah, and you owning that with me is exactly what helped you get more found for lack of right I now more than ever, I'm really starting to.

Speaker 1

So. I used to think self-worth, a self-belief, was everything like if that is the differentiator. The differentiator is, if somebody has really high self-belief, they can accomplish anything. I still think it's drastically important, especially for external results. Yeah, if you were to pick one thing would it still be that?

Speaker 2

Self-belief, self-belief. Okay, yeah, same.

Speaker 1

What's number?

Speaker 2

two Self-worth.

Speaker 1

Interesting. Self-worth is number two, and then because I think in order to have high self-belief and in order to have accurate self-belief and accurate self-worth, I think you have to have humility. I think that's a byproduct of those two.

Speaker 2

Interesting. I was going to say humility for number two.

Speaker 1

Humility is not even on the list because I think it's a requirement, but we can dig. Third one is the worth it factor. Huge biceps I have them. I'm joking, I have them. I'm joking, I'm not, I'm very serious. I've been working diligently on my guns lately. This shirt is also drastically tight. I don't know what is happening, but everything is shrinking and I'm not getting bigger. I don't think so. Something's going on, something's in the laundry machine. The laundry gnome is making my clothes smaller.

Speaker 2

Making gains man, Maybe Making gains.

Speaker 1

I think the worth it factor is something that is drastically, drastically, drastically under-talked about A lot of the podcasts I've been on. Oftentimes I get asked the question, but as I learn more about myself, my answer changes. I don't want to just give the same answer every time. I want to answer what I think is truthful. The question is always well, how did you keep going? How did you keep going? Well, I had a business partner, so I felt more guided than I would have if I was by myself. Accountability is there. Necessity is there. Honestly, I always believed it would be worth it. There is something to that it. There is something to that I. Today I was going through a list of all the podcasts I've been on 900 and something as of today, nice, which is awesome.

Speaker 2

It's wild awesome to think of what's really cool under that instead of just it's awesome. Real quick, please. How much have you learned? Think about what you learned so much about yourself.

Speaker 1

I mean mostly about myself not that I haven't learned from other people, but so much of that was internal.

Speaker 2

Well, of course, because the one of the coolest parts about podcasting is that you are asked questions you've never asked yourself before and you come up with answers you didn't realize. It brings the unconscious conscious and it gets you to contemplate a ton. There's so much learning that happens on these microphones and it's it's so hard to say this without sounding like such an arrogant butthead. Butthead, I'm going to say something I believe to be accurate and I know in advance that it's going to sound. I'm going to sound like an arrogant butthead. We podcast for a living about self-improvement and about self-awareness and about human beings and about how to help them get to the next level and success and fulfillment all these things. And then we go on other podcasts and what do they interview us on? Usually those similar things. So when I go into, when I talk to people at I don't know, at grocery store, I feel like they're so much less aware than I am, just because they haven't had thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands of deep conversations contemplating existence.

Speaker 2

And they haven't read thousands of books and contemplated the books, and then they haven't coached hundreds of couples or dozens of, yeah, hundreds of couples, hundreds of couples. So the accumulated compound effect of those 901 interviews, I mean that's why that's so cool, I just think it's you know so much more than Kevin prior to those.

Speaker 1

So much more For sure, more than Kevin prior to those. So much more, yeah, sure, the. That's the hard thing is it wouldn't be accurate, it wouldn't be arrogant for someone to say I've studied football for the last seven years and I have a podcast about football and I all my friends are into football. I know way more than the average person about football. I just think it's a weird thing when it comes to awareness, and that's a weird thing. It's a weird thing where it comes to awareness, and that's a weird thing. It's a weird thing where it's could we have?

Speaker 2

set ourselves up for failure anymore. Probably not. No, probably not I.

Speaker 1

I think it's just harder. It's easy to personalize.

Speaker 2

Yeah, human stuff versus hey I? I've been studying physics for the last decade, right, yeah, that's so true, like of course you know more if you don't know more about.

Speaker 1

If you've been studying physics for the last seven years and you don't know more about physics than I do, you're messing up because I don't know almost anything.

Speaker 2

It is a thing when I say I know more about Of course, of course, yeah. So people don't want to believe that you know more about them than they know about themselves. I think that is a very very, very hard thing to imagine for most people, understandably so. One of my clients said that to me today you know more about me than I know about myself. That's why.

Speaker 1

I'm working with you twice a week. But imagine someone who doesn't think. Imagine if somebody didn't think that would be worth it. Then it's just a giant pain in the ass. Just a giant pain in the ass. Just a giant pain in the ass.

Speaker 1

Yeah, the point in going down that podcast route was I was looking at the shows that I have been on, or some of the shows that I think I did pre-calls for, but I never ended up going on. I don't know exactly, but one of them was a doctor that had, I think, a PhD from Stanford, a very, very, very developed human being, and I was like I wonder how their podcast is doing. They did two episodes and then they stopped their podcast and I was thinking to myself super high self-belief, most likely. I mean, look at all of the things you've done. I could be off. That could be me projecting what I would expect. But let's just say you have super high self-belief. You didn't think it would be worth it. You didn't think it would be worth it to keep going Because all the other stuff, I mean I went on their website and I was looking at their resume. It's like everything they do they have done to excellence. But I'm sure they probably believed it would be worth it.

Speaker 1

And I don't think they believe this would be worth it. And there is something to that. The reason Tara and I had a conversation on our way up to Vermont. I said that the weird thing about marriage for me is I never really I don't know. I never really saw myself getting married. That was never. I didn't think about it, I wasn't super conscious of that and I said the thing that I like the most about marriage is I would rather go through any problem with you than go find a relationship elsewhere, even if it was quote unquote easier. I don't want that. I know this will be worth it. I, that is what it is and I know it wouldn't be worth it elsewhere.

Speaker 2

that and we had a really cool conversation on that because it's it's very just like well, you know you won't regret it that's kind of what it is is when you know it'll be worth it. And again that can shift for sure. Because I resonated with what you said about the PhD person and I told this to you early on. And again, very courageous and vulnerable here, because now I understand how I sound. It's so much harder now that I know how I sound. I want to go back to delusion.

Speaker 1

Do you want to talk about the fact that ignorance is bliss, potentially? Does it make sense now?

Speaker 2

Yeah, it's temporary bliss. So I used to say this to Kev. I used to say I never stopped doing something because I didn't believe it was possible. I only ever stopped doing it because I stopped wanting the result. I've never once stopped trying toward a goal because I didn't think it was possible. I stopped trying because I decided no, this isn't worth it.

Speaker 2

For me, the three beliefs you must have to achieve anything is you must believe it's possible, you must believe it's possible for you and you must believe it'll be worth it. The first two, those are very dialed in. But you know, one of the things I don't go for, things that I don't think are accurately possible or possible for me. Like, it is impossible for me to win an Olympic gold medal in strongman competitions. That is impossible, no matter what I do. I know that that's impossible. I can say that authentically. But I can't say that.

Speaker 2

If you were to say, alan, do you think you could be president and I were to be actually truthful with you, I would say I think it's possible. With my current trajectory it's definitely not probable. But I could change trajectories tomorrow and start optimizing for that and I could potentially do it. I mean, look who there's some presidents that you know I could certainly do a better job of. I think and I know that sounds so freaking arrogant, but I think it's mathematically true I'm a more well-rounded, holistic individual than some of the presidents we've had.

Speaker 1

And I know that that's good, probably most the fact that, again, we don't talk about politics. We're not going to talk about politics, but the fact that Arnold Schwarzenegger was a governor is truly mind-blowing when you think about it.

Speaker 2

I'm just going to throw that out there. That's weird as shit, that's weird, Definitely Okay. So let's get off that, because I think that's an extreme example and I go to the extreme examples which I think to try to make points. I realize that I think those extreme examples actually do the opposite.

Speaker 1

I think they do. Yeah, I think they make points for you.

Speaker 2

If you heard that point, you'd be like yeah, yeah that makes sense, but I think most people probably know that I don't know how to go to the extreme example, because toes and little toes and candy corns.

Speaker 1

It's like everybody's, everybody's. I think everybody's little toe probably looks a little bit like a candy corn. I'm certain of it. They have to and most people never thought about that once I know, but I think maybe some, maybe some other people have I Funny, funny, funny story really quickly. I had the weirdest dream last night. Okay, I was at an airport and for some reason I got a job quickly at a cafe, somehow. I just walked in there like hey, we need someone and I was like yeah, I'm your guy, let's do this. What?

Speaker 2

is it? What do we need?

Speaker 1

And they're like we just need you to do the register. I was like yeah, I'm your guy, let's do this.

Speaker 2

What is it? What do we need? And they're like we just need you to do the register.

Speaker 1

I was like I'm sure I could do it. Yeah, I was the CFO of a almost successful business. It's like I could probably handle this. And the first person comes up to me and I swear to you, it was like they were speaking a language that I did not understand and I had no clue what was going on. I had no clue what I was doing, I couldn't figure it out and I got fired in, I think, about 10 minutes. They already had applications that they sent. They had applications live and they're like yeah, we already had people fill out the applications and I was like shit, that was quick. You guys were anticipating this was going to go bad.

Speaker 1

I put that on my story and somebody reached out to me today and said I resonate a million percent with what you said, because that is what it was like for me to work in the restaurant industry and I was like my goodness. So I have a new perspective on every time I go to get coffee. I think the worth it thing is a new wrinkle for me when it comes to next getting to the next level. You have to yes, you have to believe it's possible. Impossible for you, yes, but I think after that it's easy to forget that if you don't think it'll be worth it, in whatever means the most to you. Because here's the thing. Let's say you don't. You know it's humanly possible to be the strongest person in the world. It's not personally possible.

Speaker 2

It's not going to happen for you, and I want to say that. I want to make that very clear. Yeah, yeah, it's not possible.

Speaker 1

It's not possible for Alan to be the strongest person in the world.

Speaker 2

No, no matter how many drugs, no matter what I do, there's no way.

Speaker 1

But what if you believed it would be worth it to try anyway?

Speaker 2

Then I would be way stronger than I am now, but I would never win.

Speaker 1

But even that's a good perspective of why am I crying? Because I was laughing so hard, but you can see it, because my studio is so dark and the lights are hitting me just right. It's interesting, interesting why. What if you just think it would be worth it? What is that? What does that?

Speaker 2

lead to Kev. If you were ever to review this episode I'm going to review it you would see my eyes go.

Speaker 1

I just saw it, that's why I started laughing.

Speaker 2

Yeah, but I've done it a few other times. That's all right, I'm used to that. No, it's fun.

Speaker 1

When we give speeches together, I'm always very I'm always kind of looking at Alan when I'm speaking to make sure that his he's not making bad faces at me, cause that means I'm I'm either going off the rails or he's having his own internal crisis.

Speaker 2

It's just fun because I can tell we've done this so many times I can tell when you're headed in an area that will not be valuable. I was headed there, yeah. And I can tell when you're headed in an area that will not be valuable I was headed there, yeah. And I can tell when you're headed in an area that you will find a way to make valuable, and I can tell when you're headed somewhere valuable.

Speaker 1

Well, that was the first one. That was the first one In this case that was the first one. What do you have to say about that? The tapping into. I don't know if I can do it, but I think the process of me trying to do it would end up being worth it.

Speaker 2

There's got to be something in that I had a client asked me that earlier not that exact question, but similar. She said you, she listened to the episode about potential and she heard me talk about how I thought your potential was higher than it really was in the beginning and you thought it was lower than it really was, and how we both have driven to five and now I think we're both more accurate about your true potential. Yes, and she said well, what do you think about my potential? And how did you know? And I said I took me out of the equation. I try to.

Speaker 2

I never used to do this, me and my best friend growing up. His name was Kiki and we were going to both go to WPI together and we were both going to start a company called Laz Corps and we were both going to live together at college and we were both going to get straight A's and we were both going to be engineers and we're both going to start our own company. I never took me out of the equation, so I didn't know that he wasn't going to do any of that without me. I did those things. I didn't start LazCorp, but I started my own company. So he never started his own company. So what I didn't realize is that I was the catalyst to a large percentage of those outcomes.

Speaker 2

And so now I've gotten really good, I've tried to get better at taking me out of the mathematical equation, and so what does that have to do with the worth it factor?

Speaker 2

When she asked me earlier what I think about our true potential, I said now I'm more certain plus or minus 5% error of what your true potential is because I've taken me out of the equation and and but. But anyway. So the worth it piece, do I believe someone is better off or worse off? And you and I have argued about this for seven years? Argued is the wrong term, but we've discussed this, contemplated this for seven years, because there have been people in our lives who have come and gone and people who you believe are worse off for having been poured into in a way that was not aligned with their true potential. And I disagreed and I said well, they're better off now than they were before. And this is going to be hard to unpack, but essentially, if, if we take someone beyond where they could go without us, and then we take us out, you think they're more in over their head than they were before.

Speaker 1

I think it's really, it's a really really hard reality to look at your old life and know it's potentially not going to be, the future's not going to be as bright as your past was and again, I'm not saying that from a like an ego place, but it's a if go ahead, go ahead.

Growth in Intimate Relationships

Speaker 2

Let me make it practical. I think this will land. I had a client who asked. I used to do fitness coaching for years and I had a client who was came to me and wanted me to help her lose weight and I dialed in the system. I helped hold her accountable, I poured into her, I made sure she was on point, I tracked her stuff and I helped her weigh her food and it was just. It was a lot of positive, constructive work. However, it was also a lot of handholding. If I'm truthful with myself. She got to 127 pounds, which was her dream weight, and she was blown away and she had this massive transformation. It was wonderful.

Speaker 2

When I stopped coaching her in fitness, she slowly gained all the weight back and then some, and she without proper guidance. I do not believe anymore that she will ever get back to 127. Now it doesn't mean she can't. The only way. In my opinion, she will, based on her current awareness and I haven't talked to her in a while so I don't know but if she doesn't learn and grow and have the humility to get another coach who can get her there, she's not going to be able to do it on her own.

Speaker 2

That's my actual truth is is I don't think she's going to be able to get back to that on her own, and she's older now and it's way harder now. So, just like you, don't think I'm going to get back to the dream physique that I had when I was a fitness coach, fitness competitor, fitness model. My whole world was revolved around fitness and I'm deluding myself to think I can get back there, naturally, while 36 instead of 28, while running a business three businesses between the two of Emilia and I. I think you're probably more accurate. Now I am holding on to exactly what you're talking about, which is it'll still be worth it for me to try. I'm going to try forever because I think it'll be worth it and I'll be better off otherwise. Is that true for everyone? I don't know, and I would ask you the same question.

Speaker 1

Next level nation. What is happening? If you've thought to yourself I want to try coaching, but you don't really know where to start, group coaching would be a wonderful place for you. That's really why we created it in the first place. We start a new round every 90 days. So if you're hearing this, go to the website nextleveluniversecom and we have the landing page where you can actually hold your spot right now. Even if there's a group going on right now, you can still lock your spot for the next one. The biggest thing that we've seen is, as we get closer and closer to the date, unfortunately, some people end up missing. The group fills up and they can't do it, and then they end up regretting that. So please head over to the website. The link will be in the show notes and we would love to see you there. I think as long as you feel like the progress is worth the effort.

Speaker 2

if you're weighing it, out the problem is you won't know that until after the progress comes.

Speaker 1

In my mind at least, I'm thinking. Right now. I'm dieting and my goal is to get to like 165, 167-ish, and I also have had the conversation with myself, though, of if I get to 169 and I'm sick of it, I feel like that'll be worth it. It'll be worth it to suffer to that, because I'm still in a better place.

Speaker 2

I'll be in a better place than I am. What? How are you calculating whether or not it'll be worth it? Because that's based on core values. This is a cost-value analysis. Just making shit up, Taryn. How have you calculated that? It'll be worth it Because all of us are making these calculations. It doesn't mean we're accurate, and I'm not saying you're inaccurate, by the way.

Speaker 1

No, no, no, Okay, I'll kill you. You better watch your foot.

Self-worth, humility, and growth in relationships

Speaker 2

But it is based in something I mean. To leave Emilia would be the dumbest thing I've ever done in my life, because I I know there's no one else like her available for me, and I know that I'm what's best for her and and she's what's best for me, and and I'm calculating all of that by statistics. I don't know what you're doing oh, just winging it.

Speaker 1

I'm serious, probably just winging it. A lot of it's just a feeling I feel like I can't. It's been a challenge, not in bad way, but it's a challenge being married to an entrepreneur, for sure. Especially, what we do is very unique and, again, a lot of people do very unique things. I'm not, I'm not pumping our tires, but you self-righteous.

Speaker 2

I'm the best at everything I do.

Speaker 1

I'm the man. When Tara and I got together I was very broke right, like we've been through the ringer together. It has been. It has been a challenge. I can't imagine it being easier with anybody else.

Speaker 2

That's kind of my thought is like I don't think so you are calculating it, yeah, and well, and again this. I'm sorry to interrupt you, the, the. I am the I'm so to interrupt you, you should be, I am. I'm so grateful that you can have conversational agility.

Speaker 1

So important. I don't know Most of the time, honestly, if I'm going to be real with you. Most of the time I don't really know what the hell you're saying. So I just kind of flow with it and then I wait for silence and then I inject, and then you interrupt me and then the process just rolls again.

Speaker 2

Pretty much seven years. The point, the purpose, the purpose. The purpose of an intimate relationship is growth. I and again, I'm not just saying this, I'm calculating it too the an intimate relationship whether or not you are the yin and the yang for each other, whether or not it's constructive or versus destructive. I think that the point of relationships are to amplify each other, like to grow. So we were.

Speaker 2

We had tori leto, one of our guests, come to a live event and she spoke on stage and she said something I'll never forget. She said the purpose of an intimate relationship is growth. Yes, and I thought that was so powerful because I had never thought of my relationships from that place. My intimate relationships were determined on how sexually attracted I was to the person, how attractive I thought they were, how well we got along, how much fun we had together, how funny they were. Different, things like that.

Speaker 2

I had never, until emilia, had my metric be whether or not they were best for my growth. And so the question becomes and that's what I'm ultimately calculating is there's no one I believe who is better for emilia's growth than me. There's no one I believe that's better for my growth than Emilia, and if that were to ever change. I don't think that it ever will. I would encourage her to leave me, because if there's a man that's better for Emilia than me, she should leave me, because the purpose, the poipus, the purpose of life is to grow to your true potential, to reach your true potential, and I do believe that she can do that with me. I don't believe she can do that with anyone else, and I think that that's ultimately what determines this, at least in my calculation. So don't let me project my calculation onto you but it all depends on your core values.

Speaker 1

Potential is our, one of our core values, right I talked to the wonderful tori aletto yesterday or two days ago. Nice sent her, Sent her a text to check in see how she's doing. Tori is a wonderful human behind the scenes and in front of the scenes, for sure, but just a sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet human.

Speaker 1

The most the interesting thing to me about what you said is when I was younger, I wanted the opposite of growth. I wanted easy. I wanted easy. I wanted no resistance, I wanted no growth necessary, I wanted just me. Being me is enough. I think that has evolved. That's a big piece of the evolution of like a really conscious, aligned, growth driven relationship. Yeah, is you don't want to just be able to show up? It's not?

Speaker 2

that's not what it's about. Well, one thing I'll always adore about taryn is she's studied in relationships. She's always I mean she had more relationship awareness than I did when I first met her, and she's always brought. I can tell that she focuses a lot on making sure you two have a magnificent relationship. I can tell that her dream is to have a magnificent marriage. I can just tell that's like her dream and honestly she's held you accountable to being a better man.

Speaker 1

For sure.

Speaker 2

And I know there was times in you and I's relationship where when I was single and you weren't, and I had to kind of rein myself in for lack of better phrasing because you needed to uphold those core values in order to be with her. And I think anyone who wants to be in a relationship, that's just easy. That's a recipe for disaster, in my opinion, for sure.

Speaker 1

Well, I don't think I don't. I won't say that disaster, in my opinion, sure for sure. Well, I don't think I don't. I won't say that. I was gonna say I don't think you respect something at the same level if it's easy. I think that's fair. I'm sure you don't appreciate it at the same level, right?

Speaker 2

yeah, imagine everyone wakes up with a six-pack with no, with no effort, I won't say you don't respect it, because I think that can be, but.

Speaker 1

But I don't think that's true, but I think I do think that it's hard to appreciate something that's super, super, super easy.

Speaker 1

And I think that's the thing that you remember is the stuff that you've gone through, especially in a relationship. Where was I going to go with all that? I had a point that I was going to make the worth it factor. Oh, I'm sure it's probably similar. I don't know that. I'm thinking about it. I guess for me In my past, when I was in relationships, anytime something would pop up and it would be like, oh, this is a resistance, or this is a problem, or this is an issue, or whatever, the next thought would be what's the exit strategy Like this isn't going to work. Whoa, fixed mindset, yeah and now it's not.

Speaker 2

The next thought would be what's the exit strategy? Like this isn't going to work.

Speaker 1

Whoa Fixed mindset, yeah, and now it's not. That doesn't it's like? Yeah we'll figure this out. We'll figure it out. It's not that big of a deal and I'd rather go through the resistance of figuring out than not have that at all as an opportunity, Like I'd rather take that with a relationship than have a relationship that is without that.

Speaker 2

So if someone doesn't believe something's worth it, they're not going to invest all of themselves, and if you don't invest all of yourself, it won't be worth it. That's the conundrum.

Speaker 1

Self-fulfilling prophecy yeah exactly. That's why we did episodes on this in the past where people say, like I just care too much, you gotta be careful with that. You gotta be careful with that. Maybe you do. Maybe you care more for someone else than they care for you.

Speaker 2

That's a possibility maybe what you just said. That's fine. I appreciate that you do have to be careful with that even the one who cares more might be the winning long-term strategy.

Speaker 1

That might be everything. Again, I think a lot of the perspective and a lot of the mindset is dependent on the people around you. The best example I can think of for that is I think it's very important to take ownership in a relationship, unless you're with someone who likes to punt ownership to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that it's. I. Ooh, that it's, that's. I think that's where it's wonky. So that's why you can't blanket statement anything. It's like oh yeah you probably should take more ownership.

Speaker 2

It's like no, no, no.

Speaker 1

If you take 98% of ownership and your partner's still trying to give you the 2% that they refuse to take, you're Jeffed.

Speaker 2

Yeah, you're jeffed. Yeah, you're jeffed. Unfortunately, we talked about that at a live event yesterday.

Speaker 1

I know, do we have a time? We gotta jump. So we've been over. Yeah, no, we've been over. That's right. It's it's freestyle friday. The lights are off, you know?

Speaker 2

whatever, man the the relationship talks event yesterday was talking about the inequities equal partnership, partnership, invisible work, cognitive labor. Instead of these just random words, I'm saying let me define them. So invisible work is all the stuff behind the scenes that gets done, that no one necessarily knows is getting done. I'll use being a business owner, as a certain a lot of people think, and she says this in the documentary. She thinks it's hilarious. You'll think this is funny. In the documentary she said yeah, for whatever reason, I figured if I started my own business I'd have more time freedom.

Speaker 2

And she said that was the dumbest thing I've ever thought. It's so funny. It's the opposite for the first decade, but anyway. So in business there's a lot of invisible work that goes behind the scenes to make all this possible. So our production team, everything we've done over the last six, seven, almost eight years, seven years has accumulated to this right now. How much have we reviewed our own speaking? How much have we tried not to use filler words? How much has the Amazing Ron and the NOPS team worked on their craft, on video audio, all of it? How many audio messages have you sent to the team about production and the change in the camera angle and the Freestyle Friday versus Small Talks, versus Scratching the Surface, versus topic and title and episode title YouTube thumbnail. It's insane. It's insane the amount of invisible work that's gone in to make this one episode most of it most of it and that's the the problem with this worth it thing.

Speaker 2

And cognitive labor is even more invisible because it's thinking a lot of my life. I remember I told you I was having an identity crisis as ceo of most of my life. I remember I told you I was having an identity crisis as CEO of most of my life. Now it just feels like thinking that was a phase. It's not that now. Now it's only doing, but it feels very unproductive.

Speaker 2

I'm just sitting here thinking about the horizon and long-term strategy and metrics and all these things, but there's so much cognitive work and invisible labor that goes into being a business owner, that goes into running a household, goes into being a pet owner Parents, I'm assuming is 10 times more than any of that probably, but I don't know yet because I haven't experienced that, but I can imagine. And then the equal partnership thing is Kevin and I. If we have an equal business partnership, it means that my time is as valuable as Kevin's partnership. It means that my time is as value as valuable as kevin's. Now I'm ceo and technically it's a little bit more my time's quote unquote more value, whatever. We're not going to get into that, but my point is and I was telling this to emilia that relationship talks about. I'll tie this all together. Emilia said that there are a lot of people out there, particularly men, who unconsciously believe that their time is more valuable than their wife, and statistically that is true. I've met them and I can tell you mean statistically.

Speaker 1

There are people out there that think that not necessarily that what they think is true. Yes, yes, yes.

Speaker 2

Thank you for clarifying. Yes, I don't think that's true at all, and I said this on a podcast earlier with Conscious Couples. I said if Emilia and I are both blue belts, our time is of equal value in karate. If you are in an intimate relationship where you are leagues ahead of the partner in physical, mental, emotional and spiritual development, then technically speaking, you're always going to be the one pouring more. If you are in an equal partnership, it means that there's yin and yang ke Kevin is ahead in some things, taryn is ahead in others and then you feed each other awareness, belief, comfort, love, whatever value. It should be a mutual exchange of value. Now, is it going to be 50-50? Absolutely not. Some people have higher potential, some people grow at faster rates, some people have coaches and mentors and therapists, but it shouldn't be 90-10. And I've been in intimate situations in the past, situations where it was 90-10. And I was. I can't do this. This is, I'm too far ahead to where I feel more like a mentor than a peer and I can't do this. And so what does this have to do with the worth it factor? If you don't think personal growth is going to be worth it, you're not going to invest in the books and the courses and the therapist. I was on a therapy call earlier. You're not going to invest your time and effort into this podcast.

Speaker 2

Everyone out there watching or listening to this right now you on some level whether subconscious or unconscious or conscious believe watching or listening to this right now. You, on some level, whether subconscious or unconscious or conscious believe that listening to me right now will be worth it. Whether or not you still think that in 30 seconds is a different story, but you do believe it'll be worth it. And one of the things we talked about on the huddle earlier is how do we have the credibility and the reviews and the branding and the marketing and the social media to make it so that people are more likely to believe it'll be worth it to listen to the show? And if they listen to the show, how do we make it more likely they'll believe group coaching will be worth it? And how do we help them understand how much a one-on-one coach can change their life if it's the right coach? Those are that what selling is. How do you help someone believe it's worth it?

Speaker 2

And I think that you have to sell yourself, and I think that's really what I was trying to get to is, if you can't expect someone to come sell you on it, you have to sell yourself or you have to have people around you that are willing to hold up the mirror and say hey, listen, you are not reaching your potential, you're not firing on all cylinders, you're not investing in yourself, you're not taking courses, you're feeling sorry for yourself and you're not putting in the work. And Emilia is the one who held up the mirror of hey, you're leaving a lot on the table by not having a therapist. And my goodness, was she right. And I wouldn't be the man I am today if I didn't have someone who I believed it would be worth it to do the work to earn being with her, and I think that that's just really powerful. Yeah.

Evaluating what's "worth it" in everyday life

Speaker 1

And there's something to it. There's something to it. It's not something we've talked about a lot in depth this is probably the deepest we've gone in it but I think it's something that, if you can, if you can connect to, why don't? I think doing this thing will be worth it. I feel like there's an unlock in there somewhere, especially if you believe you can do it. Okay, I know I can go to the gym. I know there's a. Here's my vehicle, I have a key fob, I can get in. I know where to go Awesome, I know how to drive there. I don't feel like it'll be worth it. Why, what's that? Where do you not feel like it'll be worth it? Why? Well, my knee's been sore, and every time I go, it re-aggravates it. Honestly, it might not be worth it. Okay, what else can we do, though, instead of going to the gym and doing that? Can we do this, do this, do this? I think there's a lot of exploration in that, and I will leave it at that.

Speaker 2

Yeah, what would be worth it? What would be worth it? Maybe mobility or whatever.

Speaker 1

Yeah, that's great. Or what would be more worth it? Nice, what would be more worth it? And if you don't want to do something, what would be less worth it? I'm telling you, when I'm getting ready to order fast food and I don't want to do it, I think to myself when it's a 10-minute drive, it's going to cost $30. By the time I get home, it's going to be $7.45. I'm not going to feel good after I do it. I'm on a diet. I'm going to end up doing cardio tomorrow. It's not worth it. It's not worth it. It's not worth it.

Speaker 2

It's not worth it. What's Kevin doing there? He's selling to himself. Not to do it. We're always selling ourselves.

Speaker 1

Unfortunately I'm bad at sales, so usually I get that burger son. No, I'm just kidding.

Speaker 2

You got to be careful. What you convince yourself of right A hundred percent.

Speaker 1

All right, next up a nation If you want to be the most consistent, aligned, fulfilled version of yourself for a 90-day period. We have our 16th round of group coaching, starting on October 8th at 5 pm Eastern Standard Time. The new year is going to be upon us very soon and I know a lot of us are going to be making New Year's resolutions and wanting to make very, very quick changes that just aren't sustainable. Get a jumpstart on the new year. So it starts in October. It is three months, so that'll bring you into January.

Speaker 2

Finish the year strong. Yeah, finish the year strong finish the year brings us right through to january right through to january I think the last session is in late december.

Speaker 1

Yeah, so there you go if you want to get the year off to a strong start and end this year in a very strong manner, please do group. Group coaching ends up being 25 per call. You get two calls with alan, myself and the wonderful amy, and then two calls a month with the wonderful amy and you will be the most consistent version of yourself.

Speaker 2

I can't guarantee much in life, but I can guarantee that for sure speaking of q4 being the most so october, november and december we're heading to the tail end of 2024. We have the next level dreamliner. I have it in front of me. It's got fingerprints all over it. There you go, at the top, there's a star which represents your dreams, and we break your dreams down into annual goals, into milestones, and then into inch pebbles and metrics, and so essentially, what this does is it takes you through a process called dreamlining. There's a commitment to consistency page.

Speaker 2

I, alan Lazarus, promise myself I will use this dreamliner on a daily basis. Stay consistent, keep an open mind, get outside my comfort zone, not give up on myself. And I signed it and dated it right there. It every single day. I will show you today real quick, if you are on YouTube hold on, hold on, hold on, and I can tell you this with absolute certainty. So I've been using it. I notice that my days are more likely to go off the rails when I don't do this first thing. So I notice you don't know the value of something until you take it away. We've all experienced that. All of a sudden you get injured, your right shoulder hurts. Now you're like why wasn't I more grateful? The Dreamliner is so valuable and I know that because when I don't do it, I notice it. Achieve your dreams 90 days at a time. We have hard copy versions, we have paperback versions. We have three different colors. The link will be in the show notes on Amazon, which is cool.

Outro

Speaker 1

You can get them on Amazon. If you order Amazon, you can get them on Amazon. And they there you go. Bada bing, bada boom, make it easy. All right, we're going to head out. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you, and at NLU, we don't have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow.

Speaker 2

Please reach out.

Speaker 1

Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University. We love connecting with the Next Level family.

Speaker 2

We mean it when we say family. If you ever need anything, please reach out to us directly. Everything you need to get a hold of us is in the show notes.

Speaker 1

Thank you again and we will talk to you tomorrow. You.

Head Shot

Alan Lazaros

Host
Head Shot

Kevin Palmieri

Host