#1838 - Regret Vs Fulfillment - Freestyle Friday

Have you ever wondered why some choices leave you regretful while others bring a deep sense of fulfillment? In today’s episode, Kevin and Alan explore the powerful lessons regret can teach us and how it helps shape a truly fulfilled life. Through honest reflections and life experiences, they offer guidance on turning regrets into stepping stones for a more meaningful and prosperous future.

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Show notes:
(03:00) Alan’s journey of regret and how it shaped his pursuit of fulfillment
(05:13) The role of regret in persona

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:00

having all of the data. So you have the benefits, you have the detriments, you have the ups, you have the downs, you have the goods, you have the bads, you have the pleasures, you have the pains, but you wouldn't change the process of what you're doing. That's kind of how I think of fulfillment.

Speaker 2 0:19

Everyone wants to get to a place, and I will blanket statement this one everyone wants to get to a place, and I will blanket statement this one everyone wants to get to a place where they are both externally successful and internally fulfilled simultaneously, and that is really, really freaking hard to do.

Speaker 1 0:34

Welcome to Next Level University. I'm your host, Kevin Palmieri.

Speaker 2 0:38

And I'm your co-host, Alan Lazarus.

Speaker 1 0:42

At NLU, we believe in a heart-driven but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers Alan Lazarus self-belief, self-worth, self-awareness, relationships, boundaries, consistency habits and defining your own unique version of success.

Speaker 2 1:10

Self-improvement in your pocket, every day, from anywhere, completely free.

Speaker 1 1:17

Welcome to Next Level University, next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level Nation what the episode is going to be. Until we do the episode and then then we write the title. Usually we have the title beforehand. What has been on my mind lately, alan, is something that we had in our remember how we did the up the episode on the top three lessons. From a speech we did three years ago. One of the things on there was regret and fulfillment are the two best teachers. That was one of the points that we talked about.

Speaker 2 2:09

Are you?

Speaker 1 2:09

hearing background noise.

Speaker 2 2:12

No, what am I hearing? Do you got stuff going on outside the window's open?

Speaker 1 2:19

I don't think you should be able to hear it. I can't hear it. I hear something it's okay Could be you Nope Could be your brain's overheating like an omelet on pavement, your brain on drugs. I think the window's open. That's what that is. Maybe, maybe it's not. Maybe I lied to you. Now it's confirmation bias. Now it is in your head. No, my window's open. I can tell it's a nice fall day in New Hampshire and I love fall More than the listener's audio quality.

Speaker 1 2:51

I know we're going to run it through the thing. It's going to not a problem. Okay, yeah, don't let that bother you. Regret and fulfillment. What are your thoughts on all that?

Speaker 2 3:00

I was just on a podcast earlier with a man named Gregory, older gentleman, meaning that it's just awesome to talk to someone who, so he said, I was also an engineer. I was an electrical engineer in the 80s, so I graduated in 1980. And I was around for the very first computers.

Speaker 1 3:24

Interesting.

Speaker 2 3:25

Yeah, he said pre-internet. It was very fascinating. I love to pick the brains of older folk for lack of a better phrasing Older folk. I like that, yeah, but anyways, the reason I bring this up is because he asked me a bunch about fulfillment and how do you optimize for it? Why does it matter? What does fulfillment even mean? What's the difference between happiness and fulfillment? And also, he had me tell my story and, kev, you had told your story, which I got great feedback on, by the way. Thank you. Thank you to anybody who gave great feedback on, by the way. Thank you, thank you to anybody who gave great feedback.

Speaker 2 4:07

Yeah, I'll keep it anonymous, but they said that episode was super powerful. That's good news. But I told my story and my story has a lot of regret in it my car accident and how I was filled with regret. And then the book the Top Five Regrets of the Dying, and how the number one regret of the dying, according to Bronnie Ware, who worked in hospice for eight years with the terminally ill, was I wish I had lived a life true to myself and not what others expected of me. And it makes sense in hindsight why that was such a big one for me, Because so much of my life was so unconsciously catered to the people around me rather than what I actually believe is most optimal. And so I've been rewiring, unwiring, rewiring, unwiring that for the last almost a decade I was 26. I'm about to be 36 in November the 3.6 version of Alan Lazarus and it's wild to think about that being a decade ago it is crazy yeah, but fulfillment and regret two best teachers.

Speaker 2 5:13

I think we all are trying to unconsciously get more and more and more fulfilled, and I think that when you look at what you regret, it's usually something that was outside of alignment with your growth, your contribution or your quality of life. Usually it was a short-term win for a long-term loss and that's why you regret it, because you look back. I always use this in speeches. Everyone think of something that you did in high school that was really dumb, and it doesn't take long for everyone to go got mostly all of it, yeah, mostly all of it, mostly all of it and I have my own as well.

Speaker 2 5:57

Uh, the the story of me losing my virginity was just stupid, just dumb. It's in the back seat of a car. Probably too much information, but at the end of the day it was stupid.

Speaker 2 6:07

We talk about it all around here. We talk about it and it was stupid, and so I'm sharing that because I want everyone to think of something they did stupid in high school. And why would you not do that thing again? If I could go back, I wouldn't do that. I would still. I would still have sex, I just wouldn't do it that way.

Speaker 2 6:31

That was, that was stupid. Okay Now, why? Because I am now more aware of the potential long-term consequences of that short-term stupid choice. Luckily, everything went well. There was no you know long-term repercussions, fortunately. But in hindsight, I mean, it's a risky game and I didn't know her. You know super well and we had only met a week and a half before that, and even all that is probably taboo to talk about.

Speaker 2 7:00

But ultimately, everyone in high school makes less intelligent choices that are short-term rather than long-term, and I think that that's what regret is. Regret is your current self, the 3.5 version of us. I can, I'm so grateful I can say that, now that you're actually 35, the 3.5 version of Kevin and the 3.5 version of Alan is sitting there, going okay. From this vantage point, from this perspective, from this level of intelligence and awareness and understanding, that was stupid, and that's okay, and I regret it, and even though I'm grateful for where I've ended up, if I could go back, I would make a more intelligent choice. And here's the cool part about regret and fulfillment is now you have the opportunity to do so, and so maybe you wouldn't go back and make a new choice. Maybe you do want every bit of where you've ended up. However, you can learn from regret and then make a better choice, starting tomorrow. I would not do that. I mean no way. So that's what growth is, I think.

Speaker 1 8:00

The quote from this episode is I would have sex, just not in the same way.

Speaker 2 8:06

It's profound right there, that is profound well, I'm not the first high school kid to do something stupid, you know? Uh, no, nor nor are you the last? Yeah, she was far older than I. So well, I was young and naive. What can I say?

Speaker 1 8:23

we all were at one point right right. What does fulfillment feel like?

Speaker 2 8:33

You know, when you have it, it's when you value and cherish your life so much, I think, fulfillment what if life sucks kind of on the day-to-day?

Speaker 1 8:45

Hypothetically speaking, yeah, not from experience. But what if it did?

Speaker 2 8:50

remember back when and you told your story so I can provide. This is good, because the person who would give me feedback has been listening to NLU for millennia no, has been listening to NLU for a while and she said I had never heard his story like that and she'd heard of it, but not the whole thing at once in that same way Crushed it. But I can provide context now because if you listened to yesterday's episode, this will make sense if you didn't check it out. But ultimately, kev used to be and had suicidal ideation and I think, being fulfilled and I'm going to exclude some of the mental health challenges around, uh, that people go through, because I know there's extenuating circumstances. I don't want to make a blanket statement that excludes those, but but I'm going to say that in advance.

Speaker 2 9:49

That said, I do think fulfillment means you value your life and you value yourself to such a high extent that you want to cherish every bit of it, and not cherish every bit of it in the sense that of it and not cherish every bit of it in the sense that it's like when you have a really nice car and you just cherish it.

Speaker 2 10:12

I remember back when I had a 2009 crappy sort of Subaru, I didn't care about putting stuff on the hood, I would just put my coffee cup right on the ceiling. I don't do that in the Tesla, and one of the reasons why is I've never valued a car at this level. I value it, so I treat it better, and I think that that's a good metaphor for what it is to be fulfilled. You treat yourself better. You treat your life like it has meaning. You know that you matter and you cherish every bit of it. You cherish your intimate relationship. You cherish your physique and your body. You cherish your career. You cherish your best friend and or your family the person's, places, things and ideas that you surround yourself you cherish, and I think that that's where you eventually got to in your life well, it's hard.

Speaker 1 11:08

It's such a hard thing to explain. It's hard to explain a feeling. What does pain feel like? And it hurts? Well, what does hurting me? It doesn't feel good. Well, what does feel good? Well, this, but okay, why? I don't know. I don't know how to explain a feeling in words because that's not, that's not the way you do it, but for me it's having all of the data. So you have the benefits, you have the detriments, you have the ups, you have the downs, you have the goods, you have the bads, you have the pleasures, you have the pains, but you wouldn't change the process of what you're doing. That's kind of how I think of fulfillment. Because would I do? I want different results maybe.

Speaker 1 11:59

I mean yeah, yes, I do. I want different results. I want more results. Maybe Let me think about it. Do I want to change the process? No about it. Do I want to change the process? No, I don't want to change the process.

Speaker 2 12:12

You had something well, you, you've been talking a lot about worth it is it? Worth it. I think that's a really good frame to look from I think it.

Speaker 1 12:24

it's dangerous, though, because you can time. Would it be worth it for me to stay at this job for another three years so I can get my pension? Well, that's not fulfilling, that's survival, yeah.

Speaker 2 12:38

You know what I mean.

Speaker 1 12:39

Next level nation. What is happening? If you've thought to yourself, I want to try coaching, but you don't really know where to start, group coaching would be a wonderful place for you. That's really why we created it in the first place. We start a new round every 90 days. So if you're hearing this, go to the website nextleveluniversecom and we have the landing page where you can actually hold your spot right now. Even if there's a group going on right now, you can still lock your spot for the next one. The biggest thing that we've seen is, as we get closer and closer to the date, unfortunately, some people end up missing. The group fills up and they can't do it, and then they end up regretting that. So please head over to the website. The link will be in the show notes and we would love to see you there.

Speaker 2 13:23

In the episode with the older gentleman, the older folk, gregory, I said that I actually think success alone by itself, external success, is actually pretty easy and fulfillment alone by itself is actually fairly easy. I think doing them together is unbelievably difficult and I gave a reason, which is because usually the most meaningful work to you, the economy is not set up to pay you well for it. Very few people are living their dreams, statistically speaking, and the reason why is because the most meaningful work Is rarely what the economy pays for and it's very hard to put yourself in a position To where the work that's the most meaningful is also what you get paid the most for. So for us, holistic self-improvement we adore that, we love that, we're working on that, we're helping people with that, but it's very difficult to be paid for that, whereas it's very difficult to be paid for that, whereas it's not hard to be paid for fixing cars, because everyone needs their car fixed. And again, I don't want to blanket statement, it can be hard because there's a lot of competitors and mechanics. I'm not, but ultimately it's harder to. It's harder to get paid for self-improvement than it is to get paid to plumb. Yeah, do plumbing right. So the, the fulfillment piece. Is it worth it piece?

Speaker 2 14:54

In the last episode I talked about the four buckets. The first bucket is you're unsuccessful and unfulfilled. So, kev, I'm going to reference your story again from yesterday, yesterday's episode, two episodes ago. Two episodes ago, oh, that's right, gas station Kevin was unsuccessful and unfulfilled, meaning your external success was pretty low, all things considered, and your internal fulfillment was pretty low. Okay, in comparison. That's stage one in life, I think. I think we all start there Me, cart kid, bus boy hated it, hated it, was mistreated, awful. Okay, but grateful to have a job. So it's a duality, okay, and we're in high school. So let's be honest, you've got to be grateful for starting somewhere.

Speaker 2 15:46

Our next piece, I actually think, is successful and unfulfilled. So then it was, kev external success $100,000 a year without a college degree, beautiful girlfriend, sports car, nice apartment in Boston, whatever. And I know that I meshed a lot together there. I realize that, okay, but externally successful, but internally unfulfilled. Then the third stage is what we did together, which was go past broke. Super happy, healthy, productive, fulfilled, super fulfilled, but not externally successful. That's when you talked about how your car wouldn't work at red lights and all that Took many, many, many years, took till our 30s to become both successful externally at this level and fulfilled, and ultimately, if you can sit down and say, I want my future to be an amplified version of what it already is right now, I believe that that is proof that you've gotten to the fourth bucket and that's what everyone wants to get.

Speaker 2 16:55

Everyone wants to get to a place and I will blanket statement this one everyone wants to get to a place and I will blanket statement this one Everyone wants to get to a place where they are both externally successful and internally fulfilled simultaneously, and that is really really freaking hard to do and very few people statistically actually get to that place and it takes so much work to freaking sustain it.

Speaker 1 17:20

Yeah, it's hard, it's the whole thing's hard, because I'm thinking you and I us this whole thing, we probably don't look super fulfilled in terms of we pretty much do this all the time Not a lot of concerts, not a lot of stuff like that, we don't really do that. But when I see someone who's always at a different concert or doing this or doing that or doing this, and it just seems like an empty thing, I feel like that's not fulfilling, because you're escaping from your real life to go do something that is exciting. And I'm not making that wrong, I'm not making that wrong, but I know when I did that stuff the most, I was the least fulfilled Same.

Speaker 1 18:12

Right when I was going to the bar. That's escapism.

Speaker 2 18:14

I actually thought that when you were talking, I said that's a little bit of escapism. There's a difference between this concert is going to amplify my fulfillment Right, I'm already fulfilled in my real life and I'm going to go to a concert too. That's awesome, versus and I'm not a fan of concerts. Personally, I don't really care for them. But that's different than I kind of don't like my job and I don't like my life and I don't like my wife or husband. I think it's extra pleasure, yeah.

Speaker 1 18:41

When you're fulfilled, it's just extra pleasure.

Speaker 2 18:44

Yeah.

Speaker 1 18:44

It's not the thing that you're counting down to, it's not the thing that you're counting down to, to bring your life back up to a certain happiness quotient, fulfillment quotient, and then it fades until you do the next thing and it fades until you. That's not it. I think it's. It's a benefit. I don't. The reason I don't like concerts and stuff is because I don't. I like doing this. I'm good with this. I like doing this. Do I still like sunday off? Yes, I do. I enjoy sunday off. I do.

Speaker 1 19:12

But I want the future to be an exponential, multiplied version of this. I just I want a podcast, I want to coach, I want to speak, I want to go to the gym. Same thing, pretty much the same thing. It's not really going to change that much. And here's the truth it hasn't changed that much in the last seven years. If you think about it. Maybe we have different opportunities now and we have different privileges in terms of coaching certain people and we work really hard to gain those privileges. It's the same thing, it's different, it's busier, it's more productive, it's more aligned, but it's essentially the same skeleton of what it was before. It's just different. But I understand, because it's very, very hard to look at somebody who's fulfilled and actually see fulfillment. I think it's really hard. I cannot recognize fulfillment from social media.

Speaker 2 20:11

Yeah, you really can't, you can't. That's got to be one of the fundamental issues A hundred percent.

Speaker 1 20:15

I say that all the time. People say why do people portray it on social media? And I say because it's easy to portray happiness on social media. It's not easy to portray fulfillment on social media Because some of the most fulfilling things you do are just behind the scenes and nobody's ever going to see.

Speaker 2 20:36

Well, you and I we've done meetups and we do group coaching and we've pulled up pictures of you in 2009 and you were so clearly unfulfilled compared to now compared to now. Yeah, there's one of them of you at a graduation 2007. You were at your girlfriend's graduation yeah 2009.

Speaker 2 20:54

I think, yeah, yeah, it was 2009, cause you were two years older than her Right. Yeah, so, and in that picture, it's very obvious to me that you are unfulfilled in comparison to now. So you can see it, it's an energy. You can see it in the energy. But you can see it because you're fulfilled.

Speaker 1 21:12

I don't know if you're not fulfilled.

Speaker 2 21:19

I don't know if you can see it yeah, that is a whole nother conversation.

Speaker 1 21:20

Yeah, you know, you only have two minutes before your next call.

Speaker 2 21:22

Yeah, I think it's obvious when you pull up, so I I do a one of the group coaching sessions of the six is optimizing for fulfillment. I think that's what it's actually called too. Is that what it's called?

Speaker 1 21:32

I believe. So how to level? No?

Speaker 2 21:34

how to level up your fulfillment or how to find finding finding you named or how to find fulfillment.

Speaker 1 21:36

Is it finding fulfillment?

Speaker 2 21:37

You named it how to find fulfillment. I would have called it optimizing for fulfillment it doesn't matter.

Speaker 2 21:43

The point is it's really good, but there's one part in it that shows the picture of me at my worst, my least fulfilled, and me at my most fulfilled and, again, most fulfilled. It's a specific photo of Emilie and I with little tucker, and I remember that day and it was just a wonderful day. Now, me at my most fulfilled is pick my best day in the last quarter probably, but it's so obvious when you put them neck and neck and there's a, I know we gotta go the. The brain has what's a very unsophisticated contrast apparatus. In other words, you can't tell that kevin's short until he's next to me. You can't tell when someone's unfulfilled until you're next to someone who's really fulfilled. And that's why it's so hard to go back and look at old content. I mean, if you look at a I don't know, gary v, for example, I don't want to. Yeah, look at gary.

Speaker 2 22:42

We went and watched his 1000th wine library. It was his thousandth youtube video. It's hot garbage compared to him now because he's improved so much. The cameras have improved, youtube has improved, audio quality has improved, his speaking has improved. Somehow he looks better. He's definitely more fulfilled than he was back then. He doesn't probably booze as often and and at the end of the day, that's one of the reasons why it's so hard to recognize is because you think you're in shape until you're around someone in really good shape, and the contrast is another part of it. But ultimately, the regret and fulfillment thing are you more fulfilled than you used to be? And if not, why not? And is the 3.6 version of Alan going to be more fulfilled than the 3.5 version of Alan? I would say yes, by a significant margin, and I'm I'm working really hard to make sure that's the case. But that's also what I'm optimizing for. I'm not optimizing for pleasure.

Outro

Speaker 1 23:35

Very deep, a very deep episode for Freestyle. Friday Group coaching starts October 8th, 5pm Eastern Standard Time. Alan has coaching spots available. If you're a podcaster and you need help, I have coaching spots available. And Podcast Growth University is always free. A podcast about podcasts Subscribe excuse me, I can't speak If you want to make sure you never miss an opportunity to get to the next level. All of that happy jazz, as always. We love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you at nlu. We don't have fans, we have family.

Speaker 1 24:02

We will talk to you all tomorrow keep after it thanks for joining us for another episode of next level university. We love connecting with the next level family.

Speaker 2 24:13

We mean it when we say family. If you ever need anything, please reach out to us directly. Everything you need to get a hold of us is in the show notes.

Speaker 1 24:25

Thank you again and we will talk to you tomorrow.