#1838 - Regret Vs Fulfillment - Freestyle Friday

Have you ever wondered why some choices leave you regretful while others bring a deep sense of fulfillment? In today’s episode, Kevin and Alan explore the powerful lessons regret can teach us and how it helps shape a truly fulfilled life. Through honest reflections and life experiences, they offer guidance on turning regrets into stepping stones for a more meaningful and prosperous future.

Links mentioned:
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Show notes:
(03:00) Alan’s journey of regret and how it shaped his pursuit of fulfillment
(05:13) The role of regret in personal growth and learning from past mistakes
(08:33) What does fulfillment feel like, and how does it differ from happiness
(12:39) Meet like-minded people and jumpstart your journey to achieving your dreams while optimizing your life. Join Next Level Group Coaching.
(14:54) The challenge of finding both success and fulfillment in today’s world
(18:12) The difference between living a life of escapism and true fulfillment
(23:56) Outro

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:00

having all of the data . So you have the benefits , you have the detriments , you have the ups , you have the downs , you have the goods , you have the bads , you have the pleasures , you have the pains , but you wouldn't change the process of what you're doing . That's kind of how I think of fulfillment .

Speaker 2 0:19

Everyone wants to get to a place , and I will blanket statement this one everyone wants to get to a place , and I will blanket statement this one everyone wants to get to a place where they are both externally successful and internally fulfilled simultaneously , and that is really , really freaking hard to do .

Speaker 1 0:34

Welcome to Next Level University . I'm your host , Kevin Palmieri .

Speaker 2 0:38

And I'm your co-host , Alan Lazarus .

Speaker 1 0:42

At NLU , we believe in a heart-driven but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers Alan Lazarus self-belief , self-worth , self-awareness , relationships , boundaries , consistency habits and defining your own unique version of success .

Speaker 2 1:10

Self-improvement in your pocket , every day , from anywhere , completely free .

Speaker 1 1:17

Welcome to Next Level University , next Level Nation . Welcome back to another episode of Next Level Nation what the episode is going to be . Until we do the episode and then then we write the title . Usually we have the title beforehand . What has been on my mind lately , alan , is something that we had in our remember how we did the up the episode on the top three lessons . From a speech we did three years ago . One of the things on there was regret and fulfillment are the two best teachers . That was one of the points that we talked about .

Speaker 2 2:09

Are you ?

Speaker 1 2:09

hearing background noise .

Speaker 2 2:12

No , what am I hearing ? Do you got stuff going on outside the window's open ?

Speaker 1 2:19

I don't think you should be able to hear it . I can't hear it . I hear something it's okay Could be you Nope Could be your brain's overheating like an omelet on pavement , your brain on drugs . I think the window's open . That's what that is . Maybe , maybe it's not . Maybe I lied to you . Now it's confirmation bias . Now it is in your head . No , my window's open . I can tell it's a nice fall day in New Hampshire and I love fall More than the listener's audio quality .

Speaker 1 2:51

I know we're going to run it through the thing . It's going to not a problem . Okay , yeah , don't let that bother you . Regret and fulfillment . What are your thoughts on all that ?

Alan's journey of regret and how it shaped his pursuit of fulfillment

Speaker 2 3:00

I was just on a podcast earlier with a man named Gregory , older gentleman , meaning that it's just awesome to talk to someone who , so he said , I was also an engineer . I was an electrical engineer in the 80s , so I graduated in 1980 . And I was around for the very first computers .

Speaker 1 3:24

Interesting .

Speaker 2 3:25

Yeah , he said pre-internet . It was very fascinating . I love to pick the brains of older folk for lack of a better phrasing Older folk . I like that , yeah , but anyways , the reason I bring this up is because he asked me a bunch about fulfillment and how do you optimize for it ? Why does it matter ? What does fulfillment even mean ? What's the difference between happiness and fulfillment ? And also , he had me tell my story and , kev , you had told your story , which I got great feedback on , by the way . Thank you . Thank you to anybody who gave great feedback on , by the way . Thank you , thank you to anybody who gave great feedback .

Speaker 2 4:07

Yeah , I'll keep it anonymous , but they said that episode was super powerful . That's good news . But I told my story and my story has a lot of regret in it my car accident and how I was filled with regret . And then the book the Top Five Regrets of the Dying , and how the number one regret of the dying , according to Bronnie Ware , who worked in hospice for eight years with the terminally ill , was I wish I had lived a life true to myself and not what others expected of me . And it makes sense in hindsight why that was such a big one for me , Because so much of my life was so unconsciously catered to the people around me rather than what I actually believe is most optimal . And so I've been rewiring , unwiring , rewiring , unwiring that for the last almost a decade I was 26 . I'm about to be 36 in November the 3.6 version of Alan Lazarus and it's wild to think about that being a decade ago it is crazy yeah , but fulfillment and regret two best teachers .

The role of regret in personal growth and learning from past mistakes

Speaker 2 5:13

I think we all are trying to unconsciously get more and more and more fulfilled , and I think that when you look at what you regret , it's usually something that was outside of alignment with your growth , your contribution or your quality of life . Usually it was a short-term win for a long-term loss and that's why you regret it , because you look back . I always use this in speeches . Everyone think of something that you did in high school that was really dumb , and it doesn't take long for everyone to go got mostly all of it , yeah , mostly all of it , mostly all of it and I have my own as well .

Speaker 2 5:57

Uh , the the story of me losing my virginity was just stupid , just dumb . It's in the back seat of a car . Probably too much information , but at the end of the day it was stupid .

Speaker 2 6:07

We talk about it all around here . We talk about it and it was stupid , and so I'm sharing that because I want everyone to think of something they did stupid in high school . And why would you not do that thing again ? If I could go back , I wouldn't do that . I would still . I would still have sex , I just wouldn't do it that way .

Speaker 2 6:31

That was , that was stupid . Okay Now , why ? Because I am now more aware of the potential long-term consequences of that short-term stupid choice . Luckily , everything went well . There was no you know long-term repercussions , fortunately . But in hindsight , I mean , it's a risky game and I didn't know her . You know super well and we had only met a week and a half before that , and even all that is probably taboo to talk about .

Speaker 2 7:00

But ultimately , everyone in high school makes less intelligent choices that are short-term rather than long-term , and I think that that's what regret is . Regret is your current self , the 3.5 version of us . I can , I'm so grateful I can say that , now that you're actually 35 , the 3.5 version of Kevin and the 3.5 version of Alan is sitting there , going okay . From this vantage point , from this perspective , from this level of intelligence and awareness and understanding , that was stupid , and that's okay , and I regret it , and even though I'm grateful for where I've ended up , if I could go back , I would make a more intelligent choice . And here's the cool part about regret and fulfillment is now you have the opportunity to do so , and so maybe you wouldn't go back and make a new choice . Maybe you do want every bit of where you've ended up . However , you can learn from regret and then make a better choice , starting tomorrow . I would not do that . I mean no way . So that's what growth is , I think .

Speaker 1 8:00

The quote from this episode is I would have sex , just not in the same way .

Speaker 2 8:06

It's profound right there , that is profound well , I'm not the first high school kid to do something stupid , you know ? Uh , no , nor nor are you the last ? Yeah , she was far older than I . So well , I was young and naive . What can I say ?

Speaker 1 8:23

we all were at one point right right . What does fulfillment feel like ?

What does fulfillment feel like, and how does it differs from happiness

Speaker 2 8:33

You know , when you have it , it's when you value and cherish your life so much , I think , fulfillment what if life sucks kind of on the day-to-day ?

Speaker 1 8:45

Hypothetically speaking , yeah , not from experience . But what if it did ?

Speaker 2 8:50

remember back when and you told your story so I can provide . This is good , because the person who would give me feedback has been listening to NLU for millennia no , has been listening to NLU for a while and she said I had never heard his story like that and she'd heard of it , but not the whole thing at once in that same way Crushed it . But I can provide context now because if you listened to yesterday's episode , this will make sense if you didn't check it out . But ultimately , kev used to be and had suicidal ideation and I think , being fulfilled and I'm going to exclude some of the mental health challenges around , uh , that people go through , because I know there's extenuating circumstances . I don't want to make a blanket statement that excludes those , but but I'm going to say that in advance .

Speaker 2 9:49

That said , I do think fulfillment means you value your life and you value yourself to such a high extent that you want to cherish every bit of it , and not cherish every bit of it in the sense that of it and not cherish every bit of it in the sense that it's like when you have a really nice car and you just cherish it .

Speaker 2 10:12

I remember back when I had a 2009 crappy sort of Subaru , I didn't care about putting stuff on the hood , I would just put my coffee cup right on the ceiling . I don't do that in the Tesla , and one of the reasons why is I've never valued a car at this level . I value it , so I treat it better , and I think that that's a good metaphor for what it is to be fulfilled . You treat yourself better . You treat your life like it has meaning . You know that you matter and you cherish every bit of it . You cherish your intimate relationship . You cherish your physique and your body . You cherish your career . You cherish your best friend and or your family the person's , places , things and ideas that you surround yourself you cherish , and I think that that's where you eventually got to in your life well , it's hard .

Speaker 1 11:08

It's such a hard thing to explain . It's hard to explain a feeling . What does pain feel like ? And it hurts ? Well , what does hurting me ? It doesn't feel good . Well , what does feel good ? Well , this , but okay , why ? I don't know . I don't know how to explain a feeling in words because that's not , that's not the way you do it , but for me it's having all of the data . So you have the benefits , you have the detriments , you have the ups , you have the downs , you have the goods , you have the bads , you have the pleasures , you have the pains , but you wouldn't change the process of what you're doing . That's kind of how I think of fulfillment . Because would I do ? I want different results maybe .

Speaker 1 11:59

I mean yeah , yes , I do . I want different results . I want more results . Maybe Let me think about it . Do I want to change the process ? No about it . Do I want to change the process ? No , I don't want to change the process .

Speaker 2 12:12

You had something well , you , you've been talking a lot about worth it is it ? Worth it . I think that's a really good frame to look from I think it .

Speaker 1 12:24

it's dangerous , though , because you can time . Would it be worth it for me to stay at this job for another three years so I can get my pension ? Well , that's not fulfilling , that's survival , yeah .

Speaker 2 12:38

You know what I mean .

Meet like-minded people and jumpstart your journey to achieving your dreams while optimizing your life. Join Next Level Group Coaching.

Speaker 1 12:39

Next level nation . What is happening ? If you've thought to yourself , I want to try coaching , but you don't really know where to start , group coaching would be a wonderful place for you . That's really why we created it in the first place . We start a new round every 90 days . So if you're hearing this , go to the website nextleveluniversecom and we have the landing page where you can actually hold your spot right now . Even if there's a group going on right now , you can still lock your spot for the next one . The biggest thing that we've seen is , as we get closer and closer to the date , unfortunately , some people end up missing . The group fills up and they can't do it , and then they end up regretting that . So please head over to the website . The link will be in the show notes and we would love to see you there .

Speaker 2 13:23

In the episode with the older gentleman , the older folk , gregory , I said that I actually think success alone by itself , external success , is actually pretty easy and fulfillment alone by itself is actually fairly easy . I think doing them together is unbelievably difficult and I gave a reason , which is because usually the most meaningful work to you , the economy is not set up to pay you well for it . Very few people are living their dreams , statistically speaking , and the reason why is because the most meaningful work Is rarely what the economy pays for and it's very hard to put yourself in a position To where the work that's the most meaningful is also what you get paid the most for . So for us , holistic self-improvement we adore that , we love that , we're working on that , we're helping people with that , but it's very difficult to be paid for that , whereas it's very difficult to be paid for that , whereas it's not hard to be paid for fixing cars , because everyone needs their car fixed . And again , I don't want to blanket statement , it can be hard because there's a lot of competitors and mechanics . I'm not , but ultimately it's harder to . It's harder to get paid for self-improvement than it is to get paid to plumb . Yeah , do plumbing right . So the , the fulfillment piece . Is it worth it piece ?

The challenge of finding both success and fulfillment in today’s world

Speaker 2 14:54

In the last episode I talked about the four buckets . The first bucket is you're unsuccessful and unfulfilled . So , kev , I'm going to reference your story again from yesterday , yesterday's episode , two episodes ago . Two episodes ago , oh , that's right , gas station Kevin was unsuccessful and unfulfilled , meaning your external success was pretty low , all things considered , and your internal fulfillment was pretty low . Okay , in comparison . That's stage one in life , I think . I think we all start there Me , cart kid , bus boy hated it , hated it , was mistreated , awful . Okay , but grateful to have a job . So it's a duality , okay , and we're in high school . So let's be honest , you've got to be grateful for starting somewhere .

Speaker 2 15:46

Our next piece , I actually think , is successful and unfulfilled . So then it was , kev external success $100,000 a year without a college degree , beautiful girlfriend , sports car , nice apartment in Boston , whatever . And I know that I meshed a lot together there . I realize that , okay , but externally successful , but internally unfulfilled . Then the third stage is what we did together , which was go past broke . Super happy , healthy , productive , fulfilled , super fulfilled , but not externally successful . That's when you talked about how your car wouldn't work at red lights and all that Took many , many , many years , took till our 30s to become both successful externally at this level and fulfilled , and ultimately , if you can sit down and say , I want my future to be an amplified version of what it already is right now , I believe that that is proof that you've gotten to the fourth bucket and that's what everyone wants to get .

Speaker 2 16:55

Everyone wants to get to a place and I will blanket statement this one everyone wants to get to a place and I will blanket statement this one Everyone wants to get to a place where they are both externally successful and internally fulfilled simultaneously , and that is really really freaking hard to do and very few people statistically actually get to that place and it takes so much work to freaking sustain it .

Speaker 1 17:20

Yeah , it's hard , it's the whole thing's hard , because I'm thinking you and I us this whole thing , we probably don't look super fulfilled in terms of we pretty much do this all the time Not a lot of concerts , not a lot of stuff like that , we don't really do that . But when I see someone who's always at a different concert or doing this or doing that or doing this , and it just seems like an empty thing , I feel like that's not fulfilling , because you're escaping from your real life to go do something that is exciting . And I'm not making that wrong , I'm not making that wrong , but I know when I did that stuff the most , I was the least fulfilled Same .

The difference between living a life of escapism and true fulfillment

Speaker 1 18:12

Right when I was going to the bar . That's escapism .

Speaker 2 18:14

I actually thought that when you were talking , I said that's a little bit of escapism . There's a difference between this concert is going to amplify my fulfillment Right , I'm already fulfilled in my real life and I'm going to go to a concert too . That's awesome , versus and I'm not a fan of concerts . Personally , I don't really care for them . But that's different than I kind of don't like my job and I don't like my life and I don't like my wife or husband . I think it's extra pleasure , yeah .

Speaker 1 18:41

When you're fulfilled , it's just extra pleasure .

Speaker 2 18:44

Yeah .

Speaker 1 18:44

It's not the thing that you're counting down to , it's not the thing that you're counting down to , to bring your life back up to a certain happiness quotient , fulfillment quotient , and then it fades until you do the next thing and it fades until you . That's not it . I think it's . It's a benefit . I don't . The reason I don't like concerts and stuff is because I don't . I like doing this . I'm good with this . I like doing this . Do I still like sunday off ? Yes , I do . I enjoy sunday off . I do .

Speaker 1 19:12

But I want the future to be an exponential , multiplied version of this . I just I want a podcast , I want to coach , I want to speak , I want to go to the gym . Same thing , pretty much the same thing . It's not really going to change that much . And here's the truth it hasn't changed that much in the last seven years . If you think about it . Maybe we have different opportunities now and we have different privileges in terms of coaching certain people and we work really hard to gain those privileges . It's the same thing , it's different , it's busier , it's more productive , it's more aligned , but it's essentially the same skeleton of what it was before . It's just different . But I understand , because it's very , very hard to look at somebody who's fulfilled and actually see fulfillment . I think it's really hard . I cannot recognize fulfillment from social media .

Speaker 2 20:11

Yeah , you really can't , you can't . That's got to be one of the fundamental issues A hundred percent .

Speaker 1 20:15

I say that all the time . People say why do people portray it on social media ? And I say because it's easy to portray happiness on social media . It's not easy to portray fulfillment on social media Because some of the most fulfilling things you do are just behind the scenes and nobody's ever going to see .

Speaker 2 20:36

Well , you and I we've done meetups and we do group coaching and we've pulled up pictures of you in 2009 and you were so clearly unfulfilled compared to now compared to now . Yeah , there's one of them of you at a graduation 2007 . You were at your girlfriend's graduation yeah 2009 .

Speaker 2 20:54

I think , yeah , yeah , it was 2009 , cause you were two years older than her Right . Yeah , so , and in that picture , it's very obvious to me that you are unfulfilled in comparison to now . So you can see it , it's an energy . You can see it in the energy . But you can see it because you're fulfilled .

Speaker 1 21:12

I don't know if you're not fulfilled .

Speaker 2 21:19

I don't know if you can see it yeah , that is a whole nother conversation .

Speaker 1 21:20

Yeah , you know , you only have two minutes before your next call .

Speaker 2 21:22

Yeah , I think it's obvious when you pull up , so I I do a one of the group coaching sessions of the six is optimizing for fulfillment . I think that's what it's actually called too . Is that what it's called ?

Speaker 1 21:32

I believe . So how to level ? No ?

Speaker 2 21:34

how to level up your fulfillment or how to find finding finding you named or how to find fulfillment .

Speaker 1 21:36

Is it finding fulfillment ?

Speaker 2 21:37

You named it how to find fulfillment . I would have called it optimizing for fulfillment it doesn't matter .

Speaker 2 21:43

The point is it's really good , but there's one part in it that shows the picture of me at my worst , my least fulfilled , and me at my most fulfilled and , again , most fulfilled . It's a specific photo of Emilie and I with little tucker , and I remember that day and it was just a wonderful day . Now , me at my most fulfilled is pick my best day in the last quarter probably , but it's so obvious when you put them neck and neck and there's a , I know we gotta go the . The brain has what's a very unsophisticated contrast apparatus . In other words , you can't tell that kevin's short until he's next to me . You can't tell when someone's unfulfilled until you're next to someone who's really fulfilled . And that's why it's so hard to go back and look at old content . I mean , if you look at a I don't know , gary v , for example , I don't want to . Yeah , look at gary .

Speaker 2 22:42

We went and watched his 1000th wine library . It was his thousandth youtube video . It's hot garbage compared to him now because he's improved so much . The cameras have improved , youtube has improved , audio quality has improved , his speaking has improved . Somehow he looks better . He's definitely more fulfilled than he was back then . He doesn't probably booze as often and and at the end of the day , that's one of the reasons why it's so hard to recognize is because you think you're in shape until you're around someone in really good shape , and the contrast is another part of it . But ultimately , the regret and fulfillment thing are you more fulfilled than you used to be ? And if not , why not ? And is the 3.6 version of Alan going to be more fulfilled than the 3.5 version of Alan ? I would say yes , by a significant margin , and I'm I'm working really hard to make sure that's the case . But that's also what I'm optimizing for . I'm not optimizing for pleasure .

Speaker 1 23:35

Very deep , a very deep episode for Freestyle . Friday Group coaching starts October 8th , 5pm Eastern Standard Time . Alan has coaching spots available . If you're a podcaster and you need help , I have coaching spots available . And Podcast Growth University is always free . A podcast about podcasts Subscribe excuse me , I can't speak If you want to make sure you never miss an opportunity to get to the next level . All of that happy jazz

Outro

Speaker 1 23:56

, as always . We love you , we appreciate you , grateful for each and every one of you at nlu . We don't have fans , we have family .

Speaker 1 24:02

We will talk to you all tomorrow keep after it thanks for joining us for another episode of next level university . We love connecting with the next level family .

Speaker 2 24:13

We mean it when we say family . If you ever need anything , please reach out to us directly . Everything you need to get a hold of us is in the show notes .

Speaker 1 24:25

Thank you again and we will talk to you tomorrow .